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Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION 4

Seth HarkerSarah "The Jobber Slayer"Trey VincentKevin the Pyromaniac

[The show opens in the ring inside the Ballroom at the Camel's Toe in Sin City. There is a mixture of apathy and indifference for the BOBsters who were in the ring, namely: BOB's Figurehead Seth Harker, THE ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS Sarah "The Jobber Slayer," and the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Champions Trey Vincent and Kevin the Pyromaniac.]

Seth Harker: Monkeys and monkettes, may I present to you, Trey Vincent.

[Cheers.]

Seth: Sarah "The Jobber Slayer."

[Cheers.]

Seth: And Kevin the Pyromaniac.

[*Hic* Yes, I'm drinking. You'd be drinking too if you got jobbed to Axl last week. Cheers. But I'm not talking about the crowd.]

Seth: Steve Studnuts sadly could not join us as we haven't seen him around since his night out with Nurse Heidi. What DID you do to him, Heidi?

[From her seat at ringside, Nurse Heidi smiles and winks at the camera.]

Seth: Anyway, I decided to have ourselves a little photo op, as no doubt, the four of us should easily make it to the finals of the Grand Slam tournament at UnFOURgiven. No offense, Steve. But, let's face it. With me in control now--

TV: Uh, Seth? I'm in control.

Seth: Yeah, sure, Trey.

[Trey scratches his head in confusion.]

Seth: It seems BigBOSS didn't show up tonight, so I'll be taking over his duties.

Kevin: Ahahaha! Duties!

Seth: So, as CoolBOSS, I have arranged for a photo op.

TV: A photo op? Seriously? That's why you wanted us all out here?

Seth: That's right, Trey. There's nothing more entertaining to all the viewers at home, aside from two future opponents standing nose to nose for several minutes straight, than seeing future main eventers pose for cameras.

TV: Are you sure this isn't just a flimsy excuse to stir up some, duty, amongst all of us?

Seth: What could I stir up? I -- uh, Kevin? Why are your pants off?

Kevin: You said we were going to take some pictures! I get Sarah first, I hate sloppy seconds! And no gay stuff, Trey! We may be partners, but we aren't PARTNERS.

Seth: Kevin, this isn't a porno shoot! And put your pants back on for god's sake!

Sarah: He has green pubes?

TV: I'm honestly surprised he hasn't burned his pubes off.

Kevin: It's been a slow month!

Seth: So, I got some orange jumpsuits for all you guys to wear over here.

[Seth retrieves a box and pulls out jumpsuits for Kevin, Sarah and Trey to put on.]

Seth: One size fits all.

Kevin: This smells like piss!

Seth: Why? Did you just pee on it?

Kevin: Maybe. Wait. *Sniff* No. It doesn't smell like my pee. Let me check.

TV: Oh, good god. Seth, you've got some stroke around here. Can I get a new tag team champion?

Seth: No. Now. All of you line up.

Sarah: Where's your jumpsuit?

Seth: Orange isn't my color.

Sarah: Screw this.

[Sarah shoves the jumpsuit away. Kevin jumps on it and begins humping her jumpsuit. A photographer appears in the ring.]

Photographer: Yes! Yes! Make love to the jumpsuit!

Sarah: Look. We're not here to be on the orange jumpsuit fetish web site. Where I come from, you woman up and say things to people's faces.

Seth: Where is this magical place?

Sarah: Cloudydale.

Seth: Wow. Where I'm from, people usually tell things to each other's belly buttons. This concept is so foreign to me.

[Sarah gets in Seth's face.]

Sarah: I know you aren't too pleased with me tickling the piss out of your old girlfriend Eliza, but you better calm the hell down and realize that I am the power around here, not you, because I've got this title. Hell, Seth, you couldn't even win the Swiss Army Belt.

Kevin: Yeah! And he got pinned by a title belt! How lame is it to get pinned by inanimate objects! AhahahahaAHHH!

[Kevin slips and the orange jumpsuit falls on him. Generic Ref slides in the ring.]

GR: One! Two! Three! Here's your winner, Orange Jumpsuit!

Kevin: *BEEP*!~

Seth: Oh, this has nothing to do with Eliza.

Sarah: Oh. Well, maybe it has something to do with your other girlfriend. You know. The one who *BEEP*s you and wishes you had my vagina!

Seth: Excuse me? Kay Fabe does not wish that I had your vagina.

TV: Where is Kay? I haven't had any good jerkoff material lately on these shows.

Sarah: EXCUSE ME?

TV: Huh?

Sarah: What am I?

TV: Uhh…no offense, honey, but I bang you every night. A man needs some variety of the redheaded kind.

Sarah: Look. A lot of people might not like that I'm the champion again, but a lot of them sure as hell do.

Seth: That's great, Hillary. Listen--

Sarah: Hillary?

Seth: Oh, yeah. Everyone's so proud that you're breaking that proverbial glass ceiling. Just don't sever your jugular on your way back down through it.

Sarah: I am the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. You are a lazy highspot monkey. What do you, wrestle like three times a year?

Seth: Yeah, that sounds about right.

[Trey steps in between Sarah and Seth.]

TV: Sarah, Seth. This is silly here. Seth, Sarah is my girl. And Sarah? Seth is my best buddy in the world. I will not allow this to go on.

Kevin: Take it bitch, yeah, yeah, yeah!

TV: Quit humping that jumpsuit!

Kevin: I'm not letting this bitch get away with making me look like an idiot!

Sarah: Right, because humping a jumpsuit makes you look sooo much saner. And remember, the champ…is…her! And by her, I mean, me!

Seth: Oh, how clever. Well, here's a catchphrase for you. Yer, yer, yer.

TV: You're fired!

Seth + TV: Hooray!

[Seth and Trey chuckle at some sort of inside MSTie joke.]

Sarah: Zuh?

Kevin: Hey, Sarah. Can we exchange mid-ring blows?

[Sarah kicks Kevin in the face. THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS falls on him.]

Generic Ref: One! Two! Three! Here's your winner, THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS!

TV: Looks like somebody else just got beaten by a title belt, huh, Seth?

Seth: Yes. It sure does, Trey.

TV: Maybe you could start the Job To A Title Belt Club. You could be president of that.

Seth: Well, Sarah. It's been great talking to you. Oh, by the way, before the end of the night, you'll find out who you'll be facing in round one.

TV: She will?

Seth: She will. It was actually Kay's suggestion.

Mikey Styles: Is this what we're going to see at UnFOURgiven? Seth vs. Trey vs. Sarah vs. Kevin the Pyromaniac?

Scotty Whatbody: Or maybe the Orange Jumpsuit will make it further in the tournament than Kevin. That jumpsuit's hardcore!

Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"The Great

[In a hallway of the Camel's Toe, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" was walking when The Great walked up to her.]

The Great: May The Great have a word, Kate?

Sarah: My name is Sarah. And no, you can't.

The Great: The Great says save the date, Kate.

Sarah: It's SARAH!

The Great: Here's a Great update. At UnFOURgiven, The Great's fans will get there early to tailgate. Then, The Great guarantees that the winner of the Greatest Beer In The Belly Ladder Match of all time will be none other than The Great. And then the Great will bribe your boy toy Trey Vincent with the beer like The Great used to bribe a loose date. Then, the Great will lie in wait. And if by some fluke, the winner of the UnFOURgiven main event is you, Kate, The Great will then be your sparring mate before going on to become the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS in a match that on a five-star scale would be an eight. The Great is the uncrowned CHAMPION at any rate. The pain of your loss to The Great will never abate.

Sarah: You can rhyme all the threats you want, but I'm walking out of UnFOURgiven with every championship.

The Great: Winning the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS is The Great's fate. And The Great won't be late. Kate.

Sarah: SARAH! Argh! I've got to go talk to Trey about this!

StylesScotty Whatbody

[At ringside, Mikey Styles and Scotty Whatbody were sitting by.]

Styles: Wow. The Great guaranteeing he'll win Beer in the Belly AND the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS at UnFOURgiven? That's extreme!

SW: Has he even qualified yet? You honestly think he can beat Seth Harker?

Styles: We'll actually find out next week as Seth Harker and The Great collide in another first round match that doubles as a Beer in the Belly qualifying match. The Great will have to put his money where his mouth is.

SW: I think his wife will take that money before he can put it anywhere.

Styles: Well fans, up tonight, another big night of BOB wrestling action. Kamikazie Ken takes on Steve Roydz in a Beer in the Belly qualifying match, as well as the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Championship will be on the line as Trey Vincent and Kevin the Pyromaniac defend against Coma and Hallucination Boy. Plus, Joe Bananas is set to debut right now.

SW: But against who?

Styles: I have no idea. But we're about to find out!

Joe BananasHomicidal Hank

["Put it On" by Big L plays.]

Nurse Heidi: Ladies and gentlmen, this is the opening contest of Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! and it's scheduled for one winner. Introducing first, making his BOB debut, he hails from Kingston, Jamaica, and weighs in tonight at 200 pounds. This is Joe Bananas!

Styles: What do you know about Bananas, Scotty?

SW: Nothing.

Styles: Great insight as always, Scotty.

SW: I live to inform.

NH: And his opponent…

[Several seconds of silence pass. Then, "Du Hast" by Rammstein hits. Pretty good pop.]

SW: Wow, they really like that song.

Styles: I don't think that pop was for the song. I think it's for the man who's about to come out?

SW: Who? RVD, that communist jobber who bitched about not getting a title, then made his own title, then asked to job so he could make up funny rules about how he retained the title on technicalities, then complained about jobbing all the time?

Styles: What an odd thing to remember. But no! He's not genocidal. He's not suicidal. But he DAMN sure is HOMICIDAL!

NH: From Intercourse, Pennsylvania. He weighs in at 257 pounds and is accompanied to the ring by Spike. Homicidal Hank!

Styles: Homicidal Hank is back in BOB.

SW: And nepotism is alive and well in BOB. Man, Seth gets some power and hires family?

Styles: I won't mention a certain cousin of yours that BOB hired because of you.

SW: Good. Who was that again?

Styles: You know who I mean.

SW: Dustbuster Boy? Oh, riiiiight. MY cousin. Yeah. Man, what's up with Joe Bananas. What a terrible tan. He looks like was in the tanning booth so long that he burnt!

Styles: Uh, Scotty? He's black.

SW: Right. My point exactly.

Styles: I mean, he was born in Compton. Do the math.

SW: Ooohhhh. Gotcha. He had to get that tan so all the black people wouldn't shoot him. Right.

Styles: Moving on…Hank as always accompanied by his potted geranium.

SW: I hope that troublemaker Spike doesn't interfere and cost Bananas this match.

Styles: Here we go. Lockup and Hank with a side chokelock? Oh my GOD!

SW: You won't get a technical masterpiece with Hank in there. Actually, any resemblance to actual wrestling will be purely coincidental.

Styles: Generic Ref warning Hank to break the hold or be disqualified.

Hank: SCREW YOU, DICKWEED!

SW: Bwahaha! Doesn't Hank hold some kind of record for most referees powerbombed in one match? If I were Generic Ref, aside from crying myself to sleep every night, I'd just let Hank do his thing.

Styles: Right you are, Scotty. As a matter of fact, Homicidal Hank lost his first 100 matches because, well, powerbombing the referee was basically a hobby to him! And yes, he holds the Florida record for most referees powerbombed during one match. It was eight.

SW: Well, we only have enough budget for one referee. Maybe he could powerbomb Generic Ref NINE times!

Styles: I'm sure Generic Ref will love to hear that. Hank eyeing Generic Ref, but he grabs Bananas. Back suplex. Cover! One. Two and no! Just barely a two on Bananas. Hank whips Bananas into the ropes. Uppercut misses. Bananas with a backslide! One, two, no! Bananas almost got this one over quick. Hank grabs Bananas and whips him hard into the corner. Hank climbing up.

[Hank punches Bananas.]

Crowd: One!

[Hank smashes his own head into the top turnbuckle?]

Crowd: One!

[Hank punches Bananas.]

Crowd: Two!

[And once again smashes his own head into the turnbuckle.]

SW: What a freak!

Crowd: Three!

Styles: The crowd counting along here as Hank pounds away on his opponent, and himself!

Crowd: Three!

Styles: But Bananas just snuck out from underneath. He grabs Hank. Oh MAN! Backdrop backbreaker from the middle rope! Cover! One! Two. And…no! Bananas off the ropes and he drops the knees into Hank's chest.

SW: Spike's starting to look a little concerned. See, his leaves are getting all droopy.

Styles: Bananas has Hank up. I think we're about to see a Banana Tree of Woe. And oh woe is Hank! Bananas charges!

Crowd: Ohhh!

Styles: Hank tried to sit up, but only got about halfway up, and Joe just ran right into Hank's skull.

SW: C'mon, Styles. That was intentional. Look. Hank's fine. Bananas is the one who got hurt from that move.

Styles: Hank frees himself from the ropes and charges. Forearm shot takes Bananas down and hard. Gutwrench suplex by Hank! He's got Bananas' legs. Oh no!

SW: Headbutt right to Bananas banana!

Styles: Glad you got that line. Oh no! Here it comes. Hank lifting up Bananas. Stop! It's Homicidal Hammer time!

SW: Great. MC Hammer references in 2008. You're relevant.

Styles: That's it. One. Two. And NO? Bananas leg fell on the bottom rope. Oh no. Hank doesn't look happy at all with this! Oh no! He's got Generic Ref! POWERBOMB!

[Huge pop!]

Styles: That's a disqualification right there. Bananas is going to win this one by DQ and advance in the tournament, as Hank once again runs afoul of a referee.

SW: Yep. You know what they say. You can't make a Homicidal Hank change his spots that pop the crowd.

Styles: Oh no, Scotty. You might just get your wish here. He's pulling up Generic Ref again! POWERBOMB! Oh, somebody stop this!

Seth HarkerKevin the Pyromaniac

[Cut to the hallway. Seth Harker is with Kevin the Pyromaniac.]

Seth: You've gotta get Hank out of there. Put on this referee shirt and show him who's the boss!

Kevin: FIAHHH!

[Kevin runs out. Back to the ring.]

Styles: And Kevin the Pyromaniac is on his way down, wearing a referee shirt? Oh, Seth Harker just set him up to get a severe powerbombing. Kevin's in.

SW: BWAHAHAHA! Look at the front of that shirt! It says, "I'm A Referee, Ask Me How." Hey, did you see that? Spike just tripped Kevin!

Styles: Somebody call Kevin's parents. They're going to have to identify the body. POWERBOMB CITY! Kevin the Pyromaniaic was 17. Now Hank putting Spike on top of Kevin? Oh no! Hank with the count. One. Two. Three. SPIKEGOTIM!

SW: Man, Kevin's having a really bad night.

Styles: Now what's this? Hank's ripping the referee shirt off Kevin and putting it on Joe Bananas? POWERBOMB ON JOE! And the crowd is loving it! Hank may have lost a match tonight, but he definitely won over these Sin City fans. We'll be right back!

Joe BananasKevin the Pyromaniac

Caption: Do ring the commichael rbark!

Styles: For those of you fans who can't read Retard, during the commercial break, Joe Bananas and Kevin the Pyromaniac had a heated exchange. Here's what happened.

Joe: (To the crowd) Thanks for your indifference. Get up, Kevin!

[Kevin pulls himself up using the ropes.]

JB: Yo. How did I get this referee shirt on? You think it's funny that I got powerbombed by Hank? I just won my first match. This is the only highlight of my professional career and you went and ruined it! Next week, let's settle this once and for all. I have no respect for you. You think you're hardcore? Let's find out next week on the smallest stage of them all. I want you next week on iMPLOSION! Joe Bananas vs. Kevin the Pyromaniac. Hardcore rules.

[Kevin looks down at the mat.]

Kevin: You want me hardcore style? As long as you aren't planning on a barbed wire dick slapping me, because it kind of sounded really gay right there. But fine! Next week. It will suck to wrestle you!!!

[Kevin wraps barbed wire around his hand and extends it. Bananas does the same. Camera zooms in to show a close up of their bloody handshake.]

Garth VaderAxl

[The Hierarchy Announce Table has been set up outside the ring, and Axl and Rose have taken their positions. Suddenly, the Imperial March begins to play, and the fans quickly turn their attention to the entrance...]

Axl: Garth? ... I thought he was away in space tuning up the Jobbertothe Star? ... Or something?

Rose: Axl, the Jobbertothe Star isn't really a space ship. It's like...an Earth ship.

Axl: Soo... it's a boat?

Rose: No.

Axl: ...

Rose: Anyways, since this is Hierarchy's iMPLOSION!, and since Generic Ref's injured, I've decided to appoint him as the special guest referee for this next match-up.

Axl: Ah... Well, why couldn't I be the ref? I'm fair. I always call things like I see them. And most importantly, I can count to three, unlike OTHER refs! Generic, I'm lookin' at you! And besides, I'm hot! Garth is... well... If he was so hot he wouldn't hide behind a mask, right?

Rose: Yeah, yeah, but you have to sit by me and call this match. If you get involved in the ring, who knows what'll happen. You might start making out with Kamikaze Ken or something.

Axl: I WILL NOT!

Rose: Of course you won't... But the temptation's still there.

Axl: >:-(

Rose: Hey, I call things like I see them too, ;-)

[Garth Vader emerges from the curtains, wearing a long, flowing black cape, his trademark black helmet, and a new addition to his wardrobe ; a referee's t-shirt, only instead of the usual black and white striped affair, the white stripes have been replaced with darkish silvery ones, reinforcing the 'dark side' of Vader.]

Nurse Heidi: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following contest is both a first round bout in the Grand Slam Tournament, as well as a qualifier for the Beer in the Belly six-man ladder match at UnFourGiven! Please welcome the special guest referee for the following contest, he is the Dark Lord of the Ring, Garth... VADERRR!

Axl: Honey, I think I would have made an alright referee! I mean, I can slap my hand on a floor... I can yell at people to stop choking out other people before the count of five...

Rose: Can you shut up?

Axl: Yes, sweetie...

Kamikazie KenSteve Roydz

Nurse Heidi: And now, introducing first - Weighing in at 230 pounds ; Standing 5 feet, 11 inches ; Hailing from Banzai Falls, Georgia... Kamikazeee KENNN!!!

[Almost as soon as "Ride of the Valkyries" begins to play, the sound of a record scratching is heard, and the music is replaced by the sounds of War's "LowRider". Ken comes through the curtains... driving, of course, a lowrider.]

Rose: What in the hell is that idiot doing?! If he's planning on running over Steve...

Axl: Don't worry honey bunch, if he tries anything funny, then I'll give him a taste of Evil-Lution!

Rose: ... Let's hope Steve can handle things...

[Ken stops the vehicle, and begins to kick in the hydraulics. The car's front wheels begin to bounce up and down off the floor a few times... each time, the bounce becoming higher and higher... until - ]

Axl: HOLY -

*CRASH!*

Rose: Holy HELL! ... YES! Forfeit! Forfeit! Ken can't compete, so Steve wins! In your FACE Kamikaze 'TARD!

[Unfortunately for Ken, the car bounced so far up, that it actually fell BACKWARDS, landing on it's top. Leave it to Ken to make even driving a lowrider XTREME~! Of course, knowing Ken, that only left him with a few scrapes and bruises...]

Axl: I cannot BELIEVE it! He's climbing out from underneath the wreckage... and the bastard just did a Guerrero style shimmy shake! Pig Latino Heat must be spinning in his grave!

Rose: He's dead?

Axl: ... Uh... Yup. ... Probably.

Rose: ... Ah.

Axl: But unfortunately, Ken isn't. DAMMIT, now Steve does have to fight! Garth better do his job...

Rose: Axl, Garth will do his job. You just do YOUR job and call the action. ... Ok, sweetie?

Axl: Of course, sugar bear...

Rose: I've got an idea. Ken wants to pull a Guerrero? Well, I've got something up my sleeve. Steve's been looking to find a good gimmick to latch onto, and I've been talking to him about it. So, beginning tonight... Steve Roydz goes HOLLYWOOD!

Axl: ... Say what now?

Speakers: Booyaka, Booyaka... Booyaka, Booyaka, 6-1-, 6-1-9... Booyaka, Booyaka... Whatcha Gonna Do When We Come For You?!

[Suddenly, "Booyaka 619" by POD begins to play, and a small blast of pyro hits on stage... Possibly a firecracker or something. One of those small... child-safe ones... And thanks to quick editing, Steve Roydz appears, hopping up slightly to try and give off a 'Mysterio soaring into the air' effect. Of course, although it was only a mild hop, I'm sure for ol' Steve it was like a leap of monumental effort... Wait, is that jackass wearing a Mysterio mask? ... So, what, is his new gimmick that of a luchadore? Hey, if Rey-Rey got a push by taking steroids, then this guy HAS to have the Grand Slam tourney in the bag... I wonder why Super Crazy hasn't gotten the message yet?]

Axl: So... uhm... I'm sorta confused here. Steve's wearing his usual black and red 'Super Man/Scott Steiner' tights... and a Mysterio mask. That barely fits. ... Rose?

Rose: Like I said, he's going Hollywood! Anything any OTHER wrestler can do, he can do BETTER. And from now on, he's going to prove it!

Axl: He can't do what I do!

Rose: Of course not, darling. HE'S not gay. ;-)

Axl: >:-(

Rose: Anyway -

Axl: HE'S A BODYBUILDER! ALL bodybuilders are gay! ... Dag nabbit...

Rose: ANYWAY... It looks as though we've got a new chapter in the legendary Mysterio/Guerrero feud.

Axl: Well, as long as Steve-o has as much luck as the original Mysterio did against the original Guerrero, everything's peachy... He messes this up though? He'll have to answer to ME!

Rose: Axl.

Axl: I meant you... pookie.

Rose: Much better. And besides, THIS Mysterio's 20 times larger and heavier than who we have for Guerrero!!! Steve's a shoe-in.

Axl: I'm sure you're right, baby cakes...

Nurse Heidi: And the opponent, weighing in at 256 pounds ; Standing 6 feet, 3 inches ; Hailing from Hollywood, CA... he is the master of the HeadLock... Steveee ROYDZ!!!

Axl: Steve climbs into the ring, and I think that's the first time I've seen a 'luchadore' get into the ring by climbing over the top rope...

Rose: Ken doesn't stand a chance! He's standing on one side of the ring, Steve on the other, and Referee Garth stands between the both of them. And as Ken walks up to Steve, patting himself on the chest ala Guerrero, Roydz simply shoves Ken away like he was a child! HA! Chump...

Axl: And Garth seems to be whispering something to Steve... I'm sure it's just a few pointers on how to take down a BOB veteran like Ken...

Rose: Of course...

Both: ... BWAHAHA!

Axl: Ahhh, I kill myself.

Rose: But seriously folks, Garth has just signalled for the bell, and as soon as it sounds, Steve rushes toward Ken with what looks to be a simply massive clothesline... DAMMIT, Ken ducks under... he springboards off the ropes, and as Steve turns around, Ken goes for a cross-body... thank GOD Steve catches the little monkey! Steve hits a Fallaway Slam -

[Almost killing Ken in the process... The guy seriously needs to go back into training...]

Rose: WAS I TALKING TO YOU?!

[Hey, unlike your bitch of a boy toy Axl Van Halen - ]

Axl: IT'S JUST AXL! AXL! ARGHHH!

[... Unlike AXL, I don't take crap from some sleaze bag tramp!]

Rose: You ASShole! Nobody speaks to me like that! That's IT! From now on, we're having a REAL narrator narrate Hierarchy matches!!! BJ, take over!]

{Bah Gawd folks, and welcome to another slobber knockerin', hall-fahr and brimstonin'- }

[OH HELL NO! TOUCH OF DEATH!]

{Bah Gawd, I'm chokin' on bar-bee-cue sauce! I'm sorry good ol' Axl, I'm... I'm... *urp*}

Axl: NOOOOOO!!! NOT Good ol' BEN JOSS!!! YOU KILLED HIM! YOU BASTARD!!!

[HA! Now it looks like Ken's going for... The Three Amigos? ...]

Axl: Does he ACTUALLY think he's going to pick Steve up even ONCE?! Hahaha, this really IS going to be easy!

Rose: Steve easily shoves Ken off, before kicking him in the gut, doubling the poor dummy over.

Axl: Steve tosses Ken between his knees, picks him up, and plants him into the canvas with a massive powerbomb!

[Sloppy...]

Axl: - BUT EFFECTIVE! Grr... I'll never get over the loss of BJ...

[I'm sure you miss BJ, alright. You probably haven't had a good BJ since Tifa left your ass!]

Axl: I DROPPED TIFA!!!

[Phff... twas only a matter of time before she kicked your ass to the curb. And speaking of kicking, just as Steve picked up Ken, Kam hit a very nice eziguri, sending Steve tumbling backwards... and out through the ropes, slamming hard to the outside! Looks like you guys are about to be down one member in the tournament!]

Rose: I wouldn't lead my horses before they've hatched!

[... Jigga-wha'?]

Axl: Ken bounces off the set of ropes farthest from Steve's position out on the floor... Ken comes running toward Steve's side, springboards off the top rope with a shooting star press, but Steve manages to catch him over his shoulder, he turns around and... Snake eyes on the apron! Ken's head rattles hard against the side of the ring... Steve rolls Ken back in under the bottom rope, and climbs onto the apron. Ken finally stands up, turns around... wait... Steve seems to be trying to leap onto the top rope... What the hell is he doing???

Rose: Isn't it obvious? He's going for his signature West Coast Pop! Duh!

Axl: Oh... silly me. Steve uses all his agility to jump onto the top rope, but as he does, he tangles up with the top rope, trips, and falls to the mat. ... Tell me again why he tried that?

Rose: Axl, don't you DARE get snippy with me! Steve knew what he was doing! He's trying to throw Ken of, that's all. Trying to give him a false sense of security... I hope...

Axl: Ken rolls Steve over, goes for the pin... but Steve tosses Ken off, sending him all the way over Garth, and rolling across the canvas to the other side of the ring. Steve hooks Ken by his mask, pulls him to a verical base, whips him across the ring, and on his way back, Steve brings Ken down lying over the middle rope with a drop-toe-hold. Steve lifts a finger into the air... what is he going for now?

Rose: His move! The move that's going to put Ken away for good! The C19...H2802.

Axl: ... What in the hell is THAT?

Rose: The chemical formula for testosterone.

Axl: ... Wow. ... Anyway, Steve runs toward Ken, still draped over the middle rope... He goes to swing through - ... I said, he goes to swing through - ... Well, he TRIES to swing through the ropes anyway... All he really seems to be doing is running toward the ropes, stopping, and then throwing a fit and kicking at the ropes and pulling on them like a rabid chiauaua. Why doesn't he understand the fact that he's NOT a luchadore? He's a friggin' BODYBUILDER for God's sake! The only way he's getting through those ropes is if he... welp, there ya go...

Rose: Dammit, the big bull-headed oaf just fell through the damn ropes! And now Ken's gotten back up and he's heading up top! SON-OF-A-BITCH, he just hit the 780 Ken-ton! Steve's shaking violently from the impact... Axl, you HAVE to do something! This is the Hierarchy's show, now go... DO SOMETHING!!!

Axl: Yes, my queen!

Rose: Ahem!

Axl: ... my... king?

Rose: Get over there!!! And make it quick!

[Axl rushes toward the pile of Ken and Roydz... Axl slowly drags Steve up, barely able to lift him, and shoves Steve back into the ring under the bottom rope... Axl slides into the ring and whispers something to Garth... Garth's counting Ken out!!!]

Rose: YES! 1-2-3-4-5!!! Finally, Axl uses some brain power! 6-7-8-9- DAMMIT, NO! Ken rolled back into the ring!!! This cannot be happening!!! That's it, time for some back-up. Vader, call in the reinforcements!!!

Garth Vader: Hmm... *wheeze* ... Dollar-Store Troopers, fall out!!!

["The Imperial March" plays, and about ten or so men walk through the curtains, dressed in the cheapest looking Storm Trooper outfits imagineable. A few of the 'Troopers' look to be 300-400 pounds, barely fitting in the suits' crappy material. The men surround the ring, holding guns at the ready (super soakers, of course), and as they stand still, Axl standing beside Vader, with both participants of the match lying weary on the mat, Vader calls out once again...]

Garth Vader: And now... *wheeze* ... My brother.

[His... brother? "Duel of the Fates" plays and... wait a minute. Two Dollar-Store Troopers standing by the entrance pull the curtain open... the lights dim a bit, and out comes...]

Garth Maul

Rose: GARTH MAUL!!!~1 YES!!! Prepare to suffer, Kamikaze FOOL!

[Holy hell... First Vader... now Maul? Pretty soon we're gonna have a whole friggin' Star Wars convention in the Camel's Toe... "Garth Maul" walks out, wearing full red and black paint, and he's carrying what appears to be a broom stick, painted black in the middle and red on both ends. Maul walks slowly to the ring, before stepping up the ring stairs, and through the top and middle ropes...]

Rose: Give him a taste of your double lightsaber! Make Ken feel the wrath of the Dark Side!!!

[Axl and Vader both grab Ken by an arm, leaving him prone for multiple shots from the "lightsaber". Axl and Vader throw Ken to the ground... wait a minute, it's Insano Mano!!! Ken's friend/rival is charging down the ramp, carrying a chair! Mano roars into the ring, swinging wildly, as Axl, Vader, and Maul scatter like roaches! Mano rolls out of the ring, but as soon as he does, the ten or more Storm Trooper rip-offs pounce.]

Rose: Kill the bastard! Keep him from going back in the ring! Mano can NOT take out Steve with that blasted chair! The Troopers are tearing Mano apart, one of them even using Mano's own chair against him. This is great! Wait a minute, Steve is stirring... but so is Ken!!! Ken tries for a last ditch flying forearm shot... but Steve catches him, turns the masked man around and... HEADLOCK! HEADLOCK! He's got Ken trapped in the HeadLock! The most dreaded submission hold in the history of the game! Choke him out, Steve! Ken's becoming limp... he's drooping... here comes Duff with a referee's shirt on! Duff slides under the bottom rope into position, and lifts Mano's hand up once... it falls. Twice... it falls again! Come on Steve-o, do it for the Hierarchy!

Styles: What happened to the end of the match?

Trey Vincent

[Cut to Trey Vincent in the "production truck," which looks an awful lot like Trey Vincent's apartment?]

TV: The fans don't deserve to see the end of the match! MWAHAHAHAHA! No, actually, we're not giant dicks like the WWE cutting to black at the end of a match. No, it was just a bad editing job tonight, actually. Don't drink and edit, kids! Whoopsie. My bad. Steve Roydz won. And Scotty, my apologies in advance for stepping on your line right now. If you'll excuse me, the Continuity Police have requested my presence at the station. Later, fackjucks.

Kevin the PyromaniacTrey VincentComaHallucination Boy

[Back to the ballroom.]

NH: This is the main event of Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION and it is for the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Championship.

["Enter Kevin" by Vietallica plays.]

NH: Introducing first, from Stinking Bay, Arkansas. He weighs in at 82 pounds when he's wet and wearing boots filled with gasoline. This is one half of the Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team Champions, Kevin the Pyromaniac.

[Kevin steps out with a burning Singapore cane. He raises it in the air, walks down the aisle and pulls out a can of lighter fluid from his burnt jean shorts, guzzles it, then holds the burning cane in front of his mouth. He blows, sending a ball of fire up in the air. And burning off his eyebrows, natch. Then he smashes the can into his face, busting himself open.]

Styles: This entrance seems oddly familiar…aside from the fire portion, that is.

SW: Man, Kevin's gonna have to find a new gimmick soon. You think we can afford to let him keep using gasoline to burn stuff at $4 a gallon?

Styles: Maybe Detached Narrator can go back in time and buy some cheaper gas.

[We've got a supply. Don't worry, Styles. That was part of the mission. Our war with 1997 was TOTALLY for gasoline.]

Styles: Wow, we truly work for an evil company. Not that I'm surprised.

SW: Sweet. Maybe we can burn some Prius's, really piss off those wimpy planet lovers. What has this planet ever done for you?

["Not All Who Wander Are Lost" by DevilDriver plays next.]

NH: And his partner. From Sin City, by way of Minneapolis, Minnesota. He weighs in at 260 pounds and is the other half of the Not Good Enough Tag Team Champions, Trey Vincent.

[Trey heads down the aisle, soaking up the various reactions of the crowd.]

SW: Hey, it's Not Good Enough To Fight Alone. She just called our boss "Not Good Enough."

Styles: Well, she has slept with him.

SW: Trey's gonna have to punish her for that subordination. I suggest she be sentenced to an hour of spanking at my hands!

Styles: You would suggest that. Well, Trey's in the ring, and now we're just waiting on the challengers.

SW: Yeah. Hit their music already. We're already running late as it is.

Styles: Fans, we'll stay with this as long as we can.

SW: Or, maybe we'll just randomly cut to our production truck and then fade to black for no *BEEP*damn mother*BEEP*ing reason other than to piss you all off as one big *BEEP* you as thanks for watching our *BEEP*ty product!

Styles: Calm down, Scotty. This isn't a BOB-On-Demand event. They'll censor all your colorful language.

SW: Colorful? It just looks like a black font to me.

Styles: Where are Coma and Hallucination Boy?

[Trey takes the microphone from Heidi.]

TV: Umm. Production? Hello? What's going on?

Female Voice: Sorry, Trey. iTunes just quit on us.

TV: So? Send out Coma and Hallucination Boy without their music so we can kick their asses!

Female Voice: Oh, no, Trey. This is sports entertainment. Sports entertainers can't enter an arena without music. It's physically impossible. They'd, like, die or something.

TV: Really?

Female Voice: Oh, yeah. You never noticed that even for a run-in, guys have to have their music played. Isn't it amazing how their music is always cued up and waiting?

TV: Hmm. I guess I never noticed that. OK. Well…what should I do?

Female Voice: You're the Vice President. I'm sure you'll think of something.

TV: You're right! OK. Let's see. Heidi, let's make sure your microphone isn't malfunctioning.

NH: The one you're holding right now?

TV: Right!

[Trey hands her the microphone.]

TV: Read this.

[Trey hands her an index card.]

NH: And their opponents? From Parts Forgotten, Coma and Hallucination Boy, the Exploding Holy Grail?

TV: Sounds fine to me. How about you, Kevin?

[Trey turns around and finds Kevin on the mat, trying to sort some lighter fluid on a mirror using a razor blade.]

Kevin: Huh?

TV: Never mind. You're busy.

Kevin: Hey, can I borrow that index card for a minute?

TV: Sure.

[Trey hands Kevin the index card. He begins rolling it up.]

TV: What else can we check. Hmm. Flunky? Does our ring bell still work? Ring it, just to make sure.

*DING DING DING*

TV: Sounds OK. Nice work, Flunky. How's the music situation?

Female Voice: Give us a minute or two.

TV: Perfect. I mean, OK! What else can we do. Say, Generic Ref, have you had your eyes checked?

GR: Lately?

TV: Sure.

GR: What'd you say?

TV: How's the hearing?

GR: Speak up!

TV: Your ears still ringing from Homicidal Hank powerbombing you earlier?

NH: Actually, he's never really had good hearing. He's legally deaf. And blind. All he was qualified for was being a wrestling referee.

TV: I see. Well, LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN SEE! WHAT IS THIS NUMBER?

[Trey holds up a flash card.]

GR: L?

TV: No, NUMBER, not letter! WHAT IS THIS NUMBER!

GR: Uh, I?

TV: NO! NO! NUMBER!

GR: Uh…1?

TV: Yes! Nice work! How about this NUMBER?

[Trey holds up another card.]

GR: @.

TV: Great. Now try taking the caps lock off…*Sigh*

GR: 2!

TV: There you go. How about this one?

GR: 3!

TV: Awesome! How about this one?

GR: Uh…9?

[Trey looks at the card.]

TV: Eh, 4, 9, what's the difference? Now, here's your final test. You ready? WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU ADD THIS NUMBER (he says holding up the 1 card) AND THIS NUMBER (he says holding up a 0 card)?

Generic Ref: Simple. 1! 1 + 0 equals 1!

TV: Er, NO, NO. I didn't mean add. Uh, how can I rephrase. WHAT NUMBER IS BETWEEN 9 and 11?

Generic Ref: Iraq?

TV: NO! NO! Damn Bush linking Iraq and 9/11 together.

Generic Ref: A slash mark?

TV: NO! It rhymes with, uh, zen, Ken, men, starts with a T?

Generic Ref: Ohhhhh! 10!

TV: Awesome work. You pass!

Generic Ref: Woohoo!

Styles: What in the HELL is Trey up to?

SW: What do you mean? He's just killing time. And possibly Generic Ref's brain cells.

TV: How's iTunes coming?

Female Voice: Almost there!

TV: Uh. Flunky? Try the ring bell again. I don't want to have any more malfunctions when we're ready for this match to finally start.

*DING DING DING*

TV: Beautiful. Heidi. Let's test this mic again. Read this.

*SNIIFFFFFFFFFFF*

*WHOOOOOOSH*

Kevin: OWWWWW!

Styles: Oh my GOD! Did you see that?

SW: He just snorted lighter fluid and lit it on fire?

Styles: Kevin is insane.

Kevin: *ACHOO*

*WHOOOOSH*

SW: Whoa! He's like Godzilla, except instead of a cool giant Japanese dinosaur, he's a small little white kid shooting fire out of his nostrils when he sneezes!

Styles: Kevzilla everyone.

NH: *Ahem* Here are your winners, Trey Vincent and Kevin the Pyromaniac? What the hell is this?

TV: BWAHAHAHA! I fooled you all! BWAHAHAHA! I'm such a genius.

Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"

[Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" steps out into the aisle, dragging Coma and Hallucination Boy by their T-shirts.]

Sarah: Fixed iTunes, honey! Aww, did they get counted out?

TV: Yep. 'Fraid so.

Styles: DAMNIT!

SW: Oh, man! Trey and Kevin just swerved us! And Sarah was the mysterious female voice! Brilliant!

Kamikazie KenInsano Mano

[Kamikazie Ken and Insano Mano step out and help drag Coma and Hallucination Boy to the ring.]

Styles: The Fall of Man must have attacked Coma and Hallucination Boy. Oh, there'll be hell to pay for Insano Mano and Kamikazie Ken. Somebody stop this. Now Trey, Sarah, Ken and Mano are just brutalizing Coma and Hallucination Boy.

SW: And nobody can come in to the rescue because iTunes is broken! Brilliant!

Styles: This is disgusting. Oh no! They're setting up a table. With Kevin in there?

SW: Kevin, Ken and Mano all in there?

Styles: Coma and Hallucination Boy are dead. DEAD I tell ya!

Voice-over: IF YA SMELL, WHAT THE DOMINO'S, STIRRIN'!

SW: WHAT?

The Domino

["The Domino Rally" theme plays and it's The Domino!]

Styles: The Domino is back in BOB? He hits the ring. DOMINO RALLY on Kamikazie Ken! Domino Rally on Insano Mano! DOMINO RALLY THROUGH THE TABLE on Kevin the Pyromaniac! What's this? Domino's digging into his tights. He's got a sock?

SW: Oh no! The Cock 'N' Sock Connection has been reunited? They haven't been together since the Whatever Wrestling Federation!

Styles: And that sock is full of dominoes, Scotty! He's beating on Trey Vincent with that sock. And Trey's running like a dog that's being beaten with a sock full of dominoes! And that leaves The Domino alone in the ring with Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"!

SW: I think we just found out Sarah's first challenger for THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS!

Styles: Sarah charges! DOMINO RALLY ON SARAH!

Seth Harker

[Seth Harker steps out from the back and stares at the chaos in the ring. Slowly, he raises his hands and begins clapping slowly, a slight smirk showing on his face.]

©2008 BOB Wrestling!

Styles: Fans, we're out of time! Next week. Joe Bananas vs. Kevin the Pyromaniac, hardcore rules. And Seth Harker vs. The Great! Don't miss it!

 

© BOB Wrestling!

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