[Pan the interior of a ballroom in Caligula's Palace in lovely Sin City, USA. Such witty signs can be seen as "Seth Harker!" and a burning "Kevin Burned My Sign." Uh, security? Somebody with a fire extinguisher? Fire! Cut to the EZ Break Announce Desk and your hosts…]
Styles: Hello everyone, and welcome to another Wednesday edition of Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION on G5TV! Welcome to Brawlers On a Budget! I'm Mikey Styles, along with Scotty Whatbody.
Scotty Whatbody: Yep.
[Scotty's cell phone rings.]
SW: Hang on.
Styles: Oh, come on, Scotty. This is worse than having your phone in during a movie! You're actually working!
SW: Hello? What marriage proposal? Who are you again? Two weeks ago? I have no idea what you're talking about honey. Don't call here again.
[Scotty hangs up.]
SW: Sorry. Some crazy chick.
Styles: Was that Eliot Titzer?
SW: Maybe. You wanna marry her? She sounds really desperate.
Styles: Save her number. Fans, we've got a loaded show tonight.
SW: Trey's been drinking and writing again? (Flips through his script.) I think you misspoke, Styles. This is the type of show you fans need to be loaded to enjoy. Get your beer now. We've got two chicks in a boxing match? Who the hell is Amy Liquorfront?
Styles: She's making her debut tonight in a boxing match against T&A XX Division Champion Nikki Mantle, Scotty.
SW: Is she hot?
Styles: I'm not sure. But we'll have an announcement about UnFOURgiven and the T&A XX Division Title. Stay tuned. Also, we've got Joe Bananas against Kevin the Pyromaniac and in our main event, Seth Harker takes on The Great!
[In Seth Harker's office, Seth Harker was seated behind a desk when a bunch of arguing headed his way.]
Trey Vincent: How dare you bring back The Domino, Seth! Whose side are you on?
Steve Studnuts: I will *BEEP* you up and take that belt whether you're Trey's sperm dumpster or not.
Sarah "The Jobber Slayer": Oh, don't even…hey! Quit trying to set my hair on fire, Kevin!
Kevin The Pyromaniac: Hey, Seth, can I get a raise?
Seth: What smells like lighter fluid?
Sarah: That would be my head. I need to go shower.
Seth: Kevin, put the lighter away.
TV: Seriously, Seth, The DOMINO?
Seth: That was Kay's choice.
Sarah: Oooh, I loved that song, "Not An Addict." I think they played in Cloudydale once.
Seth: What? No, no, not K's Choice, Kay Fabe's choice.
TV: That's a really stupid name for a band.
Seth: That's not a band name, Trey. You remember Kay Fabe? Redhead? Reformed lesbian. My girlfriend?
TV: Oh, right. Where the hell has she been?
Seth: Contract dispute.
TV: With me? I'd pay her whatever she wants. Assuming you make The Domino tip over for Sarah in that match next week.
Studs: What's the matter, Trey? You afraid she can't even beat some never-was-been *BEEEEEEEEP* who hasn't wrestled in two *BEEP*in' years?
Sarah: Domino's a *BEEEEEEEEP*?
[Everyone looks at Seth.]
Seth: I wasn't dating her then. Seriously. Why are you all here?
TV: You know. Main eventers. We start the show. What's the plan for tonight?
Seth: Um…a boxing match.
Studs: Heh, everyone's always wanted to see her box.
Sarah: Ha ha ha. Very original, Studs. At least my crotch would have to be lit on fire by Kevin to be burning. How is the (she claps her hands a couple times and smiles at him evilly)?
Seth: No, no, not Sarah. Or any of you. As a matter of fact, none of you are booked tonight.
Kevin: I am!
TV: He was talking about main eventers.
Kevin: I have a title!
TV: Dude, you got pinned by a title belt and a jumpsuit last week.
Kevin: But we defeated Coma and Hallucination Boy, assface!
TV: Thanks to me! Kevin, why don't you go get ready for your match against Joe Watermelon or whoever the *BEEP* that guy is. We've got business.
Kevin: I'll show you. I'll show all of you!
TV: Right. Oh, hey, by the way…
[Trey hands Kevin something. Kevin looks at it and pockets it. Kevin extends a hand in friendship to Trey.]
Kevin: Thank you, sir!
[Trey smiles and reaches for Kevin's hand.]
Kevin: Indian BURRRRRRRRRN!
[Kevin runs away laughing maniacally.]
Seth: Look, I've got tons of work to do. So, if you all could just fill out a comment card and leave it with my assistant, that would be just great. Speaking of Great, fans, stay tuned for the biggest match in iMPLOSION history as I take on The Great in the main event tonight!
Sarah: Your assistant?
Homicidal Hank: Use a NUMBER TWO pencil or I'll rip your heads off!
[Trey, Sarah and Studnuts all look at each other and slowly back away toward the door.]
Homicidal Hank: And as for you (he says pointing at the camera). ORDER UnFOURgiven, or I'll get you!
Cameraman: OK! I swear, I will! Jesus Christ!
[The camera crashes to the floor and we lose the feed.]
[Back to the Ballroom, where "Sister of Pain" by Vince Neil is playing. A tattooed woman with dark hair, wearing only a red bra and unbuttoned jeans wanders out.]
Nurse Heidi: Ladies and gentlemen, the opening contest is a boxing match. Introducing first, making her BOB debut, she can't weigh much more than an Ethiopian with implants, and she hails from London, England. Amy Liquorfront!
[The crowd seems baffled by the woman, who just wanders aimlessly down the aisle, bumping into the Flimsy Guardrail™ and eventually gets to the ring.]
SW: Holy crap.
Styles: I know. She looks sickly. It's terrible.
SW: What? Oh, no, no. I've seen much worse, Styles. She's smoking. I meant this song. Vince Neil? Who even remembers this song?
Styles: Apparently, you do. I understand it was either use this song or some Reverend Horton Heat, though I'm not sure why.
Styles: You know. They did that song, "One Time For Me." You'd like it. From what I'm told, Amy Liquorfront is actually quite well-known overseas for her in-ring, and out of the ring exploits. She's apparently quite good.
SW: Right. Well, she considering it looks like she hasn't eaten in about two weeks, she fits right in here with the rest of our starving wrestlers.
["Not A Pretty Girl" by Ani DiFranco plays.]
SW: Now here's someone who hasn't missed any all-you-can-eat buffets.
Styles: I thought you told me she liked box lunch?
NH: And her opponent. From the back alleys of the softball diamond. The T&A XX Division Champion, Nikki Mantle.
SW: I still don't get how she won the title. She's never even cut a Rant. Has she even spoke once since she's been here?
Styles: Does the phrase, "Say hello to my little wetvac" ring any bells?
SW: Oh, yeah! She totally gave Anne Zeno that illegal abortion with a vacuum. Whatever happened to Anne?
Styles: I believe she's suing BOB.
SW: And Nikki didn't even have to drop the belt as punishment? Must be an angle.
Styles: Angle? What? She sucked out a fetus with a dustbuster, Scotty. Our fans were outraged by that action.
SW: Yeah, remember everyone was posting all over the BOB Forums about how disgusted they were by that? Right, neither do I. Grow up, Styles.
Styles: Well, fans. We're about ready to get this one underway. Both girls have their gloves on. You can win by a knockout or by the judge's score.
SW: Judges? Did somebody forget the judges?
[Two seconds of gray static.]
NH: And now, introducing the judges! First, she is from Intercourse, Pennsylvania, Jerri Li. And judge number two, she is from Buttzville, New Jersey, and star of the great new straight-to-DVD release, *BEEP*ing Misty Waters, this is Misty Waters! And our third judge...I guess is me, since Trey Vincent didn't plan very far ahead.
Styles: Flying by the seat of our pants again.
SW: That Amy chick is already flat on her face! Bwahahaha. That's great. Why didn't I think of coming here drunk?
Styles: Generic Ref trying to help Amy Liquorfront up. And poor Heidi, Misty and Jerri. They have to sit at that cheap Hierarchy announce desk.
SW: I give Amy a 10. Can I give Nikki a negative score?
Styles: Based on what?
SW: Her face. Her body. I swear, you could start a fire just by rubbing her gigantic thighs together!
Styles: This isn't a beauty contest. It's a boxing match. And she could cripple you, Scotty.
SW: Oh, don't think I won't walk off this show, Styles. I'll do it.
Styles: Go ahead.
SW: Maybe I will.
Styles: Go on.
SW: Nah, screw that.
Styles: OK. It looks like we're ready for round one. From what I understand, Amy Liquorfront is unbeaten in boxing matches, as is Nikki.
SW: Yeah. Quite a stellar combined record of 0-0.
SW: And Amy's down again after that vicious uppercut. Yowza. Think she's related to Amy Pokerrear?
Styles: I doubt it, they don't have the same last name. Wait a second…
SW: Oh, brother. Is this one of those matches where the point isn't that match, but what happens after, you know, like every TNA match ever on iMPACT?
Styles: Nikki with a pin? In a boxing match? Of course. What else is new for BOB. One. Two. Three.
SW: Well, Generic Ref does have a tough time counting after he hits four. And would somebody please get that lady a squash?
Styles: Squash? Wait, hold on. Nikki has just asked for the microphone? Take it away Nurse Heidi.
NH: The T&A XX Division Champion of BOB. Nikki, congratulations on a great, hard-fought victory here tonight. We also have to give credit to Amy Liquorfront.
SW: For what?
NH: Champ, congrats.
Nikki Mantle: —
Jerri: Hey, Nikki. Please, let me be the first to attack, I mean, congratulate you on being the T&A XX Division Champ.
NH: Thanks, Jerri. I'm trying to do an interview here with Nikki if you don't mind. So, just, shoo! Shoo!
Jerri: Right. Hey, Nikki. I think you're the toughest T&A diva in the world today. I'd also like to go ahead and be the first one to attack, I mean, CHALLENGE you for that championship.
Nikki: Jerri. I'm honored that you want to challenge for my title, but Jerri, you've been in Intercourse playing with circular saws, chocolate sauce and bees while I've been the T&A XX Division Champion. And that's just the way it is. I'll face whoever they tell me to face. Hell, there are only like five chicks on the roster right now.
JL: Are you really saying I'm not a contender? Are you saying that I'm not good enough!?
Nikki: Um, no. I'd be glad to face you for this title. But it is what it is. I'm the champ.
NH: Settle down, Jerri. Now, shoo!
JL: Please, please, I was just kidding. I don't really want to challenge you for the T&A Title. I was just kidding. Can we?
[Jerri extends a hand to Nikki.]
JL: Or would you prefer a little tongue?
[Jerri sticks out her studded tongue.]
NH: Ewww. I'm outta here.
Styles: Oh my GOD! Jerri just attacked Nikki, whose gotta be somewhat tired after that one punch she threw a couple minutes ago. What a shocker.
SW: Sorry, Styles, I can't hear you! I'm a few miles ahead of you, apparently since I saw this assault coming way before you!
Styles: Jerri Li is hammering Nikki on the floor at ringside here. Oh, this is brutal, fans. I can't believe what we're witnessing! Oh no! No! NO! Jerri's got her up! She just tombstoned Nikki through the Hierarchy announce desk! Jerri Li has snapped!
[The Sin City fans, naturally, cheer for Jerri's brutal attack on Nikki, since they love a good heel attack. "Right Now" by Korn hits.]
SW: Uh oh. That's not Jerri's music. That Steve Studnuts' music!
[Steve Studnuts walks out, carrying the Swiss Army Belt. He smirks at the crowd and then calmly walks down the aisle. He looks down at Nikki and pretends that he's taking a piss on her for a second before stepping over her unmoving body. Studnuts goes right for Jerri, who isn't aware he's out there, odd, considering his music was playing. He grabs her by the hair and then tosses her into the ring.]
Styles: What now?
[He gets a microphone from Heidi. Jerri is on her knees, staring up at Studnuts with a wicked smile on her face.]
Studs: Hey, bitch. Some jerkweed backstage told me that if I wanted to send a message to a certain person, I should give that message to you. Well, Lucy *BEEP*in' Liu, I want you to give a message to Dr. Thrilla from me.
[Studnuts throws down the microphone and pulls up Jerri by the hair.]
SW: Oh no! Death Valley (Of The Sun) Driver on Jerri Li!
SW: She liked it?
Styles: Dr. Thrilla's had a huge crush on Jerri Li from what I understand.
SW: Yeah. Thrilla's gonna be pissed that Studnuts is beating up his girl. I'm sure Thrilla wanted to beat her up first!
Styles: This is so disturbing. Jerri's getting up. She just flipped off Studnuts! Are you kidding me? Studnuts picks up the Swiss Army Belt. NO! He just smashed her in the face with the belt!
Jerri: Uhhhhh! Ohhhh! Ohhhhh!
SW: That sounded like orgasmic pain, Styles.
Styles: I know. This is just getting more disturbing by the minute.
Jerri: Do it again!
[Jerri slaps herself. And then she punches herself in the nose, drawing blood after a few seconds. Dude, you can't make this stuff up!]
Styles: I don't believe what I'm seeing.
SW: Now, Jerri's heading under the ring. What the hell?
Styles: Oh my god! She's got plywood COVERED in BARBED WIRE! And now she's got two chairs? She's setting up the barbed wire board on the chairs?
[Studnuts looks around, scratches his head, a bit confused, and then shrugs.]
SW: It's the most extreme coffee table ever.
Styles: She charges at Studnuts. Nonononononono!
Crowd: Holy crap! Holy crap! Holy crap!
[Jerri is laying, with a peaceful smile on her face, in the middle of splintered wood and barbed wire like it's nothing more painful than a bed.]
Styles: Death Valley (Of The Sun) Driver on Jerri through the barbed wire board. My word. The censors aren't gonna like this. Fans, we'll be right back.
SW: I think Jerri's lust for pain has finally been sated.
Styles: Welcome back everyone. And if this show wasn't bloody enough already…
[‘Put It On’ by Big L plays.]
NH: The following contest is a hardcore match and is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, from Kingston, Jamaica. Weighing in at 200 lbs, Joe Bananas.
[Joe walks to the ring carrying a basket of fruit. He takes out a pineapple and climbs into the ring.]
Styles: Ladies and gentlemen, this match should be EXTREME!
SW: I’ll put my earplugs in.
Styles: Fans, I understand that Dr. Thrilla is furious backstage. He's apparently on a rampage looking for Steve Studnuts. If anything happens, we'll go immediately backstage.
SW: Man, those losers up in Stamford brag about 100 episodes of that crappy ECW on SciFi show? I guarantee what you're about to see will be more extreme than ANYTHING you've seen in the entire 100 episodes of that SciFi snooze-fest.
[‘Enter Kevin’ by Vietallica plays next as Kevin walks out with his half of the NGETFA Tag Team Championship over his shoulder and a gasoline can in his hand.]
NH: And his opponent, from Stinking Bay, Arkansas. Weighing in at 82 lbs, Kevin The Pyromaniac.
Styles: Kevin is throwing gasoline onto the ropes from the outside, but before he can finish Joe knocks him onto the floor with a baseball dropkick. He follows to the outside and starts hitting Kevin with that pineapple.
SW: This guy’s going to use a fruit salad as a weapon isn’t he?
Styles: Kevin kicks Joe away and climbs to his feet before sliding into the ring. He has a box of matches as he points to the ropes.
SW: Someone needs to stop him doing what I think he’s about to do, we can’t afford a new set of ropes.
Styles: Joe is up on the apron and uses a vicious right hand to knock Kevin down. Joe climbs up top as Kevin stumbles back up. Plancha! 1, 2, Kevin kicks out.
SW: At least he saved our ropes, I swear Kevin is too much of a fire hazard for BOB’s budget.
Styles: Joe rolls out of the ring and looks under the canvas for a weapon, this type of match is both of these men’s specialty, so I’m curious to see what happens.
SW: Yeah, fark each other up!
Styles: Joe pulls out a garbage can as Kevin spills to the outside. Joe kicks him and forces the garbage can down over his head and pushes him into the guardrail. Joe hops onto the apron and springboards onto the top rope for a split legged moonsault! That had to hurt.
SW: That was damn near insane, what if he hadn’t hit him with his body?
Styles: Joe pulls the garbage can off Kevin’s head, but Kevin is still conscious and locks Joe in an iron claw. He holds Joe at arms length as he tries blindly to swing his fists.
SW: It’s like the Three Stooges!
KTP: Give me the gasoline!
Styles: Kevin tries to drag Joe by his face to get his can of gasoline but it enables him to free himself and knock Kevin down with a big clothesline.
SW: I’m not surprised nobody helped that little mutant.
Styles: Joe lifts that crushed garbage up over his head and drives it into Kevin’s skull. Falls count anywhere as Joe makes the cover 1, 2, Kevin manages to kick out. Joe goes back under the canvas, not seeing Kevin crawling away.
SW: He’s going for that gas can, someone stop him!
Styles: Joe has a lightube! Oh my God!
SW: Where the hell did that come from?
Styles: Joe walks around the ring waving that lightube in the air. Kevin is crouched on the other side with his back turned to Joe. Joe goes to hit him over the head with the lightube but Kevin spins around and… FIREBALL! Kevin just blew fire at Joe! Now Kevin has the lightube and smashes it on Joe’s head!
SW: I didn’t see that coming.
Styles: Kevin looks underneath the ring and pulls out a steel chair. He turns to Joe and wraps it around his skull with a sickening shot. Kevin goes back and gets more steel chairs, sliding them under the bottom rope one after the other. He hauls Joe up to his feet and rolls him into the ring. He follows and starts pouring gasoline from a small container he had in his pocket onto one of the chairs.
SW: How many times has that catchphrase been parodied?
Styles: Kevin has a lighter and the chair lights up like a Christmas tree. Kevin spins around as Joe gets up and drills that flaming chair into the side of his head. There’s the cover 1, 2, Joe gets the shoulder up somehow!
SW: Both these guys are just plain retarded, they can probably only barely manage writing with a crayon after the kind of crap they do to each other.
Styles: Kevin lays one of the chairs over Joe before heading for the top rope. He points up to the sky as he prepares for some sort of high flying move but Joe kips up with the chair in his hand and throws it full force straight to Kevin’s head. Kevin is dazed and confused as Joe runs up to the top rope and brings him down with a frankensteiner. Cover 1, 2, Kevin kicks out.
SW: What the hell?
Styles: Joe Bananas has a grapefruit! And he squirts it in Kevin’s eye!
KTP: My eye!
SW: Kevin has no chance now, I know how much those things sting.
Styles: Joe Bananas pulls a joint out of nowhere and lights it up. Shades of douja here on iMPLOSION! as Joe bogarts a phatty.
SW: Damn, I can’t even drink beer on this job.
Styles: Joe is pointing to the turnbuckle as he tokes on his spliff. He flexes his biceps as his eyes become redder and redder.
SW: Maybe he’s like Popeye.
Styles: Joe slowly climbs to the top rope with joint in mouth. He inhales deeply as the crowd cheers him on. 450 splash! 1, 2, Kevin kicks out!
SW: That certainly wasn’t like douja.
Styles: Joe jumps to the ropes for a lionsault but Kevin gets the knees up. Kevin drags himself out of the ring as Joe convulses in pain. Kevin pulls something out of his pocket. Is he making a call on a cell phone?
SW: How did he afford that?
Styles: And who is he calling in the middle of a match? He’s talking underneath the ring so we can’t hear what he’s saying. He’s back now and with a table, which he slides into the ring before grabbing his trusty can of gasoline and box of matches and throwing them in the ring. Now he has a baseball bat as he climbs back in. He swings at Joe, but he dodges and dropkicks the bat into his face. He’s searching Kevin and finds a brown paper bag with a smiley face drawn on. He opens it up and pours the contents onto the canvas… it’s thumbtacks!
SW: These guys want to kill each other.
Styles: Joe is searching Kevin again and pulls a handful of nails and a hammer out of his pants and starts putting the nails into the baseball bat.
SW: Does Kevin just carry a bunch of weapons around with him?
Styles: Joe with the spiked bat shot to Kevin! Now he’s raking it across his forehead. Kevin is wearing the crimson mask! Joe lifts him and spins him round, holding his arm around his throat and hooking the other arm before suplexing him right on top of his head! He calls that move the Coconut Crusher ’03.
SW: God, how man guys have to name their moves after the year they first did them?
Styles: All Kevin cares about is the first part of that name right now as his head is covered in thumbtacks. Joe makes the cover 1, 2, 3 NO, Kevin kicks out!! How the hell did he manage that?
SW: I don’t think head injuries hurt Kevin as much as other people.
Styles: Because he’s extreme?
SW: No, he’s a retard.
Styles: Well, he seems as dead as a doornail as Joe sets up that table in the middle of the ring. He goes to lift Kevin up but gets a low blow right in the nuts! Kevin gets that spiked bat and prepares to swing for another low blow but Joe overcomes his pain and elbows Kevin out of the ring.
SW: That kind of violence would have probably gotten Kevin arrested, Joe would have died.
Styles: He’s still in pain though and drops to the floor while Kevin pulls thumbtacks out of his head on the outside.
SW: I don’t think children should watch this match.
Styles: You're just realizing this NOW? Kevin has a cheesegrater! He gets back in the ring and goes for Joe, but he kicks him in the head to protect himself. Joe gets up and lifts Kevin for a backdrop, but drops to his knees as he’s across his shoulder. That’s a backdrop backbreaker, a move Joe apparently learned in Japan. Now Joe has that cheesegrater and starts making the wound on Kevin’s forehead even bigger. This is sickening, blood is flowing everywhere.
SW: Who’s that?
Styles: It’s… it’s Trey Vincent! Trey Vincent is coming to the ring and he has a chair! Chairshot to Joe with a loud thud!
SW: His stoner powers wont help him now.
Styles: Trey lifts Joe back up and hits the Coming Down onto those thumbtacks! Joe is out cold. Trey helps Kevin up and gives him the can of gasoline and box of matches. Kevin pours gas over the table and his own arm. Trey lifts Joe up onto the table as Kevin climbs to the top rope.
SW: Trey’s getting the *BEEP* out of dodge.
Styles: Kevin lights a match and sets his own arm on fire before tossing the match down onto the table, both go up in flames and Kevin takes to the air. Burning elbow drop through a flaming table! 1, 2, 3! Kevin wins! Go to the back! Something's going on!
[Seth Harker is walking down the hallway, talking on a cell phone.]
Seth: Make sure you watch it. I'm heading out to main event right now. Hank? Hold on, Kay.
[Seth runs toward his office. Hank is flat on his back, his face covered in blood.]
Seth: Who did this to you?
[STOP sign to the skull from behind.]
[Dr. Thrilla repeatedly smashes Harker in the head with the STOP sign and then starts kicking him.]
Dr. Thrilla: *Angry metal clanging*
Cecil: The good doctor says he has a message for Steve Studnuts.
DT: *Angry metal clanging*
Cecil: And since the good doctor can't seem to find Steve Studnuts anywhere, you'll have to suffice as the message.
[Thrilla gets down and chomps down on Harker's forehead. Harker screams out in pain, which I don't think any BOB viewers has ever heard before.]
Styles: OH MY GOD! He's biting Harker with those bear trap teeth! This is unbelievable.
SW: Yeah. Bloodiest show ever! Man, Hank's a bloody mess. Now Harker's WHOA! Look at the blood rain down his face.
Styles: And he's got a match? Next? He's just been obliterated by Dr. Thrilla!
DT: *Slightly tired metal clanging*
Cecil: Meat, indeed.
[We return to ringside with Styles and Scotty.]
Styles: Fans, if you're just joining us, you've missed one HELL of a show. From Jerri Li taking out the T&A XX Division Champion, Nikki Mantle, to only then herself be destroyed by Steve Studnuts.
SW: Voluntarily, no less. That girl is so hot!
Styles: Then the crazy Kevin vs. Joe Bananas match, and just moments ago, Dr. Thrilla single-handedly took out both Homicidal Hank and Seth Harker! And now, I don't know how Seth is going to be able to compete against The Great. But we're about to find out.
["(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" by The Rolling Stones starts playing.]
NH: The following contest is your main event, and is a first-round Grand Slam tournament match, as well as a Beer In The Belly Qualifying match. Introducing first. He's from St. Louis, Missouri, and weighs in at 225 pounds. This is The Great!
Styles: Last week, The Great told Sarah "The Jobber Slayer," that he plans on not only winning the Beer in the Belly match, but also taking the title from her if she manages to retain the OWTTM, Scotty.
SW: He could do it. The Great has yet to be pinned in BOB. And I don't think that's going to change tonight, especially now that Seth Harker's been beaten to a bloody pulp by Dr. Thrilla. I can't stand The Great. He probably paid Thrilla to attack him!
Styles: I thought you liked The Great.
SW: I did until he paid for the attack tonight.
Styles: Will you stop it? Stop spreading lies.
["Rising Sun" by Bexta plays.]
NH: And his opponent. He's from Parts Unknown, and weighs in at 217 pounds. He is BOB's Figurehead, The Darksider, Seth Harker!
[Seth stumbles out, a bloody towel held to his head. He stumbles down the aisle.]
SW: Oh, man, Seth's not looking too cool right now. It looks like somebody just gave birth on his head!
Styles: Wow. OK. But Harker is here and he's apparently going to give this thing a go. Harker's in the ring. The fans are just staring at Harker, unsure how to react. We're ready to get this underway. Collar and elbow tie up. Twist of Great! Cover? One. Two. Three. He got him?
NH: Here is your winner. The Great!
SW: Um. Wow. That was, short.
Styles: Harker's a bloody mess. What did you expect?
SW: More than that. He just blew a chance to win every title in BOB at UnFOURgiven. And it's all The Great's fault!
Styles: Will you please? Well, now what? This was supposed to be our main event. Trey? Got any bright ideas back there?
SW: We'll be right back.
[The TinyTron lit up with a television set showing static. It was then blasted with a sledgehammer and green light came out like water, filling the screen. "The TV Show" rolled across the screen as "Big Ego's" by Dr. Dre hit.]
NH: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the TV Show, starring Trey Vincent. Tonight, Trey welcomes The Domino!
[The crowd cheers.]
NH: Tonight, featuring Hate Mail! And now, the man of the hour, the biggest star in Brawlers On a Budget and the entire sports entertainment world, Treeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy, VINCENT!
[Trey gets a standing ovation as he walks out from the back, dressed in a black suit with a solid green tie.]
NH: Hubba hubba. *Ahem* I mean…
[Heidi leaves the ring as Trey walks down the aisle and gets in the ring. He grabs a microphone.]
TV: Thank you everybody!
[Trey takes a seat behind the EZ Break Announce Table, which has apparently been moved into the ring. The mat has also been covered with a forest green rug. Like how the WWE usually covers the mat with a blood red rug. Get it? Trey begins scribbling on what is apparently a script, ala Jon Stewart.]
TV: Wow. I haven't done this thing since 2003. Speaking of old tired acts from 2003, I'll be joined shortly by The Domino!
TV: Damn straight. I've got some hard-hitting questions for the Domino. And please, get your "Die, Domino, Die" chants ready. Now, in case you missed it, last week, myself, Kevin the Pyromaniac, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" and a couple other guys wearing masks were outnumbered one to five by this sick, sick, person. Apparently, while I was busy making BOB into a worldwide global enterprise, this guy was busy playing Tiger Woods Golf. Well, buddy, you're looking at a guy whose scored 50 under par! Aside from being the next BOB Grand Slam champion, I also won four majors in a row. And, as Tiger says, that's a Grand Slam! Granted, of the video game variety. Nonetheless! Domino, get your ivory-coated ass out here right now!
Voiceover: IF YA SMELL (beat) WHAT THE DOMINO (beat) IS STIRRIN'!
["The Domino Rally Theme" plays. The Domino steps out to boos from the Sin City crowd. He turns around, bends over, and then begins waving his hands near his ass, as if he just farted and is fanning the smell toward the crowd. The People's Gas? After this, The Domino walks the aisle, starting straight ahead at Trey Vincent. He gets on the second rope and raises his right hand in the air before jumping off and getting in the ring and taking a seat across from Trey.]
Crowd: DIE, DOMINO, DIE! DIE, DOMINO, DIE! DIE, DOMINO, DIE!
TV: Oh, they hate you tonight, The Domino. You think you're something special, don't you? Let me tell you something. Only losers talk in the third person. Hell, I could talk in the third person. I'm sure it would be easy.
The Domino: Very funny, Trey. The Domino guesses all these fans just conveniently forgot that you used to exclusively speak in the third person for the last five years or so? You must think they're idiots. The Domino says never, and THE DOMINO MEANS EVER! Talk down to my fans!
[The crowd, inexplicably, boos.]
TV: Technically, I only did that for four years, since I was out for a year in a coma. And no offense to The Great. Big fan. You know. The Great is like a younger, cooler, paler version of you. Your thoughts?
The Domino: The Great is a phenomenal young athlete, and The Domino can't wait to one day get in the ring ONE ON ONE with The Great one. Great. One. Great?
TV: Yeah, I'm confused, too. Moving on. What's the deal with you being Sarah's opponent? You know I'm banging her, right? Which means it's my duty to shove a driver up your ass. Hell, I should stand you on your head, put a golf tee in your anus, and instead of teeing off, just hammer that tee into your ass like a nail with that driver, then jam a whole bunch of golf balls up there, and then just shove the driver up there until you're crapping golf balls and tees and drivers for the next week! Then, in your moment of glory, you can say, FINALLY, The Domino, HAS DISLODGED, the golf ball…from his *BEEP*hole!
Crowd: TV! TV! TV! TV! TV!
[The Domino chuckles.]
The Domino: That's pretty kinky. Is that what Sarah likes. Or do you prefer to imagine sticking objects up men's anuses?
TV: Hey, I'm totally hetero, fackjuck!
The Domino: That's not what your uncle told me.
The Domino: The Domino has FINALLY, come back, to BOB, to win the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, the Swiss Army Belt, the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Titles, the Hirohito, Where Am I? This Is Not Tokyo Title, The Middle Eastern Camel Toe Title, The Intercontinental Cruiserweight "This Is Not A Championship Belt But It's Close," or even the Loob Up That Banana With Lots of KY Jelly Championship.
TV: There is no such—
The Domino: IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THERE IS NO SUCH TITLE!
The Domino: Although The Domino is pretty sure either you or Sarah has that title.
TV: Well, Barack O'Domino, I guess there's nothing else to say. Let's just shake hands and I'll wish you the best of luck against Sarah next week.
The Domino: Hold on, Trey. What happened to the hate mail segment? The Domino just so happens to have some hate mail for you right here.
[Trey rolls his eyes.]
The Domino: Dear Trey. Why was The TV Show so much funnier back in 2003? You suck now. You need to drink more. Signed, John Leary? Who the hell is that?
TV: Ahahaha. Very funny. Now, let's shake—
The Domino: Hold on, there's more. Trey, I can't believe how small your penis is. Want a penis pump for Christmas? Signed Sarah T.J. Slayer.
TV: I know you've been away from wrestling for a few years, but, at some point, you're supposed to wrap up this segment. Preferably with me putting you through this table.
The Domino: You think you're gonna put The Domino through that table?
TV: Oh, not me. Her.
[He points as if there is somebody behind The Domino. He buys it and gets up ready to defend himself. Trey uses the opportunity to grab a skull cane and blast him in the back of the head to a huge pop. Trey starts putting the boots to The Domino. He drags The Domino up on top of the desk and readies him for his version of the Pedigree, a move Trey calls The Glass Ceiling. However, The Domino reverses and backdrops Trey to the mat with a big thud. The Domino waits on Trey for a few seconds to stumble up to his feet. He locks him in for the Domino Rally and moves Trey in position to drive him through the table.
[However, suddenly Kamikazie Ken and Insano Mano slide into the ring. Ken rakes a rake down Domino's back.]
The Domino: Do I look like a tree, jabroney?
IM: ¡Moron, solamente blondes rastrilla las hojas en árboles!
[Sarah slides in from behind and low blows The Domino. Trey hits a Shocking Conclusion on The Domino (which is Trey's version of the Stone Cold Stunner). And where the hell are Styles and Scotty? My fingers are getting tired. Ken and Sarah are setting up The Domino on the EZ Break Announce Desk. The hell? Trey, Sarah, Mano and Ken are all climbing up on the four corners of the ring? No way!]
Crowd: HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP!
[Four-way splash absolutely crushes The Domino through the table! Mano gets up with a rake stuck in his mask.]
Caption: ©2008 BOB Wrestling!
[And as we fade out, Sarah, Trey, Ken and Mano (still with a rake hanging from his mask), stand dominant.]