[We open to a shot from behind Jerri Li as she combs her hair in the mirror. There is a picture of Steve Studnuts thumbtacked to the wall as she starts rubbing her lipstick off with a towel.]
JL: I'll never look pretty enough for him, but I can't get him out of my mind.
[She turns her head slightly to the side, hiding one of her ears.]
JL: I must look like a Picasso painting compared to the women he's usually with.
[She applies blood red lipstick this time and smiles to make sure she didn't get any on her teeth.]
JL: Yellow and furry as always. Maybe I should spruce myself up a bit for him.
[Jerri then starts trying on different slutty bikinis whilst digging toothpicks into Studnuts' flexing photo.]
JL: I'm going to hurt you so good Steve.
["Right Now" by Korn is playing as we fade in on a ballroom inside Caligula's Palace in Sin City. Steve Studnuts, the man who holds the Swiss Army Belt was jawing with some fans as he walked down the aisle.]
Styles: Hello everyone, and welcome to Brawlers On a Budget's Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! And we're ready to start this one off with what will no doubt be a brutal, EXTREME, affair.
Scotty Whatbody: Affair? What's, he coming out here to take Heidi back to a seedy motel?
Styles: No. You know why Steve Studnuts is out here. To face Dr. Thrilla!
SW: Thrilla and Studnuts? Are you high?
Styles: It's our opening match! And it's for the Swiss Army Belt.
SW: Ohhhh, right. Now we're on the same page. (Sounds of pages flipping.) I should really start checking out these things before we go live. Heh.
Nurse Heidi: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the opening contest of Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION, and is a no disqualification, falls count anywhere match.
Styles: It is?
SW: Bring on the blood. Woohoo!
NH: Introducing first. From Phoenix, Arizona, he weighs in at 262 pounds and holds the Swiss Army Belt. Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Studnuts!
SW: Hey, Styles, did you hear there's a bootleg Studnuts/Heidi sextape out there?
Styles: Can't say I did.
SW: Yep. I heard it's called "Heidi's Anatomy," and Studnuts plays the role of "McCreamy." I have NO idea what that means, but I know I want to see it!
Styles: That's terrible. I want to know how this match became a no DQ, falls count anywhere match.
[Cut to Seth Harker.]
Seth Harker: Yes. How odd.
[Back to the ring.]
Styles: I guess we just got our answer.
[Cut to Trey Vincent.]
Trey Vincent: Yes. How odd.
[Back to the ring.]
SW: The hell?
[Cut to BigBOSS.]
[Eliza "The Jobber Slayer" steps in front of the camera wearing a strapless white dress, long white gloves, and dangling diamond earrings.]
Eliza: Oh, Randy. AHHHHHH!
[Back to the ring.]
SW: Miss Eliza-beth? Oh, baby! Think they're snorting coke, too?
Styles: Scotty! That's horrible!
SW: Well, all I know is there is gonna be some kind of blow in that room.
Styles: That's just outrageous. And factually inaccurate.
SW: Who wants to party with vodka and painkillers, Styles?
Styles: Forget it. Well, now I don't know what's going on with this show. Do we have footage of Michelle saying "How odd"? Or maybe Li'lBOSS? No? Great.
["Under The Knife" by AC/DC plays.]
NH: And his opponent. From Tijuana, Mexico, being accompanied to the ring by Cecil, this is Dr. Thrilla.
[Dr. Thrilla steps out to a good pop. He's carrying an Adopt-A-Highway sign still attached to a pole in one hand, and what I assume is a brick in a sock in the other hand.]
SW: It's Mr. Bricko.
Styles: The only man to ever receive life on a civil malpractice suit is now trying to win the Swiss Army Belt for the first time tonight. Thrilla beat the legal system. Can he beat Steve Studnuts tonight?
SW: Man, how much does it suck to be Generic Ref.
Styles: Yep. No doubt he's gonna have his hands full with this match.
SW: Huh? Oh, yeah, I guess. I just meant it must suck to be Generic Ref.
Styles: Oh. OK. Thrilla's in the ring and we're ready to get this one underway. There's the bell and here we go! Collar, elbow and weapons tie up!
[All the weapons fall to the mat.]
Styles: Studnuts with an eye poke and he grabs Thrilla's arm and there's an arm bar. He grabs the Swiss Army Belt. And that foldout screwdriver is adding some more pain to this EXTREME arm bar! Oh my GOD! Studnuts drops the belt. Those scissors are sticking straight up! Oh no! NO! BULLDOG ON THE SCISSORS! OH MY GOD! Cover! One, two and no! Thrilla kicks out.
SW: This may be a BOB record for quickest blade job. Or, well, scissor job, I guess if you wanna get technical.
Styles: Thrilla rolling out of the ring, trying to get a breather here. Studnuts giving chase after Thrilla. Oh, Cecil just tripped Studnuts. And Steve doesn't look happy after taking that face first spill on the floor. He grabs Cecil by the throat. INCOMING! DDT SUICIDA? Are you kidding me?
SW: Holy crap!
DT: *metal clanging*
SW: And look at Thrilla clanging, uh, spit at Studnuts.
Styles: Thanks for censoring yourself.
SW: It's really much smellier than spit.
Styles: I think the fans got the gist, thanks. Thrilla drags up Studnuts. Oh, DAMN. He just rammed Studnuts ribs first into the apron. And now he shoves Studnuts into the ring. Cover! One! Two and no! Studnuts kicks out. Thrilla grabbing Studnuts up. Oh man, Thrilla just drove the knees right into Studnuts ribs with that maneuver. It's pretty obvious what body part Thrilla is focusing on in this one early on, Scotty.
SW: Heidi's jugs?
Styles: No! Studnuts' ribs!
SW: Oh, right, you said THRILLA. I'M the one focusing on Heidi's jugs.
Styles: Thrilla has Studnuts in the corner and is just stomping away on the man the man who holds the Swiss Army Belt. Cecil sliding the Adopt-A-Highway sign over to Thrilla. And Thrilla drops it on Studnuts' face. What's this.
Styles: OH MY GOD!
Crowd: Holy crap! Holy crap! Holy crap!
SW: Thrilla is 2Extreme.
Styles: Thrilla just used the middle rope as a launch to propel himself up, only to arc back down into a dropkick that smashes that sign into Studnuts skull! Damn! Thrilla drags Studnuts out. Cover! One. Two! And no! Studnuts got the shoulder up! Thrilla grabs a headlock. Oh no! He's biting Studnuts with those bear-trap teeth!
[Blood begins dripping onto the mat.]
SW: Holy crap! I think Thrilla's trying to squeeze all of Studnuts' blood out through his forehead now! Sick. I love it!
Styles: This is sickening. Look at the blood literally raining down on the mat.
SW: It's raining, it's pouring, boy, aren't headlocks boring?
Styles: Instead of Steve's usual post-show pints of beer, I think he'll be looking for pints of blood tonight. Studnuts if fading a bit, as he's losing a lot of blood. Studnuts with a couple shots, but Thrilla rams Studnuts bloody face into his knee. And there's a brutal kick to the ribs by Thrilla! And Studnuts just collapsed in the corner. Thrilla setting up that highway sign again on Studnuts face.
SW: This should be the Thrilla-ing conclusion to this match.
Styles: Thrilla charges!
[As Thrilla jumps for his dropkick, Studnuts grabs the sign and holds it out straight into Thrilla's crotch, and for about a second, it was like Thrilla had jumped onto a bicycle without a seat for lack of a better description. Or, let's say if we were having an object on a pole match, Thrilla would have been the object on the pole.]
Styles: OH MY GOD!
SW: Thrilla's gonna need an Adopt-A-Testicle sign after that. Yowza!
Styles: Studnuts is up. He clotheslines Thrilla down using that metal sign post. And there's another one. Damn, that was stiff. Studnuts has him up. Spinebuster bomb! And Studnuts just spied that brick. Oh, come on! Cecil just slid in the ring and beat Studnuts to it.
Styles: Heidi's in the ring! HEIDICANRANA on Cecil.
SW: Does this qualify as a catfight, Styles?
Styles: It's pretty close. Cecil IS English. But I'll have to save it for another time, Scotty. Hang on. What's going on at the entryway?]
Styles: Is that Mr. Paradox? He's got his sword drawn and? Seth's there? Paradox is holding off BOB's Figurehead Seth Harker from getting involved in this match. Last week, Thrilla left Harker and his brother Homicidal Hank a bloody mess.
SW: Low blow by Thrilla on Studs nuts! And Thrilla just ran headfirst into Studnuts' crotch, and both men fall out of the ring to the floor.
Styles: Did Cecil just rake Heidi's eyes? Oh, don't you dare? Scotty, he's got that brick! Don't you dare hit her!
SW: Why don't you go stop him then big shot?
[Dr. Silaconne M. Plants charges into the ring and grabs the brick from Cecil. He's about to smash Cecil in the face when Mr. Paradox charges into the ring.]
Styles: All hell is breaking loose on iMPLOSION!
SMP: Heidi? Where's your pen?
[She tosses him a pen. Mr. Paradox laughs.]
SW: Idiot. The pen isn't mightier than the sword! That's just a stupid saying!
[SMP aims the pen at Paradox and then twists it. A bright blue light temporarily blinds Paradox.]
Styles: SMP with a little LED on Paradox. NIPPLE CUTTER!
SW: Where the hell are Studnuts and Thrilla?
Styles: There they are! They're brawling through the crowd. Oh, you've GOT to be kidding me. Generic Ref is heading with them, because falls count anywhere.
SW: Do we have a camera back there?
Styles: Um…I'm being told, no. Fans, we'll be right back. This match is apparently going to continue when we return.
[Backstage, Axl and Rose were seen walking.]
SW: Wait. Why are we seeing them? Now? This match hasn't even ended yet!
Styles: Viruz is scheduled to face Insano Mano in a Beer in the Belly Match, since Insano was screwed out of his match against Kurt Angel on the debut of iMPLOSION. Don't tell me they're coming out now! What the hell?
["The Imperial March" plays, and the curtains part. Four Dollar-Store Troopers march down the ramp in single file, the lead Trooper carrying a standardized Dark Side Super Soaker. The two middle troopers each carry a trash can, and the one bringing up the rear, the chubbiest of the three, carries a long piece of cardboard. Once the Troopers arrive outside the ring, they set up the Hierarchy Announce Desk, with the trooper carrying the water gun setting up two steel chairs. They then take a standing position behind the makeshift "table".]
["I Am Evil" by Darc-Soulz hits, and the audience begins to boo rauceously, letting Axl and Rose have the full force of the crowd's hate as they make their way through the curtains. Axl and Rose stop on the stage, as Axl turns toward Rose and the two begin to kiss... Axl slowly lifting his foot up behind him. As they finally remove themselves from eachother's lips, the couple walks down the ramp until they come to the desk. Rose sits down, but Axl poses for the crowd, even blowing a kiss, before Ross pulls Axl down onto his chair.]
Rose: Hello, and welcome to another thrilling edition of Hierarchy iMPLOSION!!!~1 I'm Rose, and with me as always is my girlfriend, Axl. Say hello to the humanoids, dumpling.
Axl: Hey there, hi there, ho -
Rose: Today, you will all bare witness to one of the most fast paced, in your face, death defying, thrill rides of a match EVER presented in wrestling history!
Axl: The only way it could get better is if I were involved!
Rose: If you were in there instead of your brother, it wouldn't be fast paced, it wouldn't be death defying, and sure as hell wouldn't be a thrill ride. You're kinda like the Randy Orton of BOB, honey.
Axl: I am not! At least I don't use an OMGCHINLOCK~!!! every five minutes...
Rose: Yeah, you manage to bore the crowd to tears without resorting to a resthold. All of your matches are like one giant resthold anyway. Called the 'Bathroom Break'.
["Mexican Hat Dance" by the Arriba Brothers plays, and Insano Man bursts through the curtains, running down the ramp and sliding into the ring, before flipping over onto his feet in one fluid motion. Insano springs onto a turnbuckle, pumping a fist into the air, as he gathers a few cheers from the audience. Mano hops back down from the post, and stands in the center of the ring, fists at the ready... When suddenly, Axl grabs a microphone and stands up behind the Hierarchy Announce Desk.]
[Insano turns toward Axl, his fists as ready as ever for a fight.]
Axl: I forgot to mention something at the start of this match. In celebration of this being the... uh... 6th episode of Hierarchy iMPLOSION!, You're going to face my brother Viruz in a special... HANDICAP match! That's right. You... are going to team with a partner. And that partner? Is THIS man!
["You Spin Me Right Round" plays... and a forklift emerges from the curtains. A forklift carrying a washing machine.]
Axl: Oh, did I say "man"? I meant CLEANING APPLIANCE! He's a former NWA:ROH EastSouthNorthern West Division JuniorSuperHeavyweight Champion! He is... UNIT FOURTY-TWOOO!!! He goes by the nickname of "The Answer", as every single question in Life, the Universe, and Everything Else leads to his bright, shiny, metal exterior! Forklift operator, wheel Mano's partner down to the ring and just... dump him. I'm sure he can manage to climb onto the apron himself. ;-)
Mano: EL POOPOO HEADO!!!! *spits on the mat in Axl's direction*
Axl: Meh, the same to you taco breath! Oh... and by the way...
[As the forklift drops 'Unit 42' off at ringside, an evil smirk spreads across Axl's face, as he clutches the microphone in his grip...]
Axl: I didn't exactly mean this was going to be a 2 on 1 handicap match in your favor... What I MEANT... was the following match is a 2... on SIX handicap match! MUAHAHAHAHA!!! Your ass is grass, Mano, and this time? It won't be you mowing it! Viruz, bro, bring out the infantry!!!
["Twisted Transistor" by Korn plays, and the four Dollar Store Troopers that were standing behind the Desk make their way toward the curtains before exiting through them. Viruz comes out, and is followed by Bluemaga, and they are soon joined by four men who look like VERY cheap imitations of the WWE's Randy Orton, JBL, Triple H, and John Cena. In fact, the JBL rip off is black, and besides the attire, bears more of a resemblence to Bradshaw's old partner Farooq. The Cena rip off is perhaps even lamer looking than Cena, Vanilla Ice, AND Pete Trabel wrapped up into one great big giant wigger ball. Randy Orton's imposter.... well, really, he looks just as dumb as the real thing. But as for the HHH imposter, he looks to be three times as large as the man he's ripping off... and NOT in muscle. It's obvious this guy isn't roided up, as he looks to have eaten everything in catering and then some before even making his entrance.]
Axl: Everyone already knows Bluemaga, but I've rounded up four other men who are so totally NOT just Dollar Store Troopers in different outfits. ... Seriously... they aren't. ... They're a few other former champions from NWA:ROH champs. Introducing - John Semen ... Randy Moron ... Ron "Damn" Layfield ... and "The Girth", TRRRRRIIIIPPPPLLLEEE AY-CHAAA!!!
[Wow, HOW original. Always SO creative, Axl...]
Axl: HEY! Names don't matter. If they did then David Flair would actually be relevant! So shut your damn Detached yap, slut bag!
[... You suck.]
Axl: I try.
[You TRY to suck?]
Axl: MOVING ON. [drops the microphone and sits back down at the desk, with Rose smiling at her BOY TOY. Yeah, I said it...]
Rose: I'm proud of you, ya know?
Axl: Hey, I may be your bitch, but I still know how to handle my business. There's no way in HELL Mano's getting past Vi with those guys backing him. I mean... I know my bro can take care of things himself, but everyone needs a little back up sometimes, ya know?
Rose: Well, as long as he's ok with it, I don't see the problem. Hell, it's not like Mano was gonna stand a chance in there against Vi even without back-up. Adding a few men on his side couldn't really do that much harm... right?
Axl: Damn straight. Viruz stands at the opposite side of the apron than the side where Unit 42 is, er, "taking a break". Viruz motions for Bluemaga to enter first. Oh, and by the way, this is an ELIMINATION handicap match... for Mano, I mean. While Viruz's team doesn't have to pin Unit 42, Mano DOES have to pin all SIX members of Viruz's team. I'd like to see Mano even ATTEMPT to do that!
Rose: Dammit, why'd you have to say that Axl!? Now Mano IS trying! As soon as Bluemaga enters the ring, Mano goes for a flying forearm... which connects, knocking Bluemaga for a loop. The large Blue Jersey native stumbles out of the ring through the top and middle ropes and crashes to the floor outside... Dammit Viruz, send someone else in there!!!
Axl: Here comes RDL, the richest black wrestler on Wall Street.
Rose: Isn't he the ONLY black wrestler on Wall Street?
Axl: ... Well, that's neither here nor there. The point is - CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL!!! ... MISSED?! WHAT THE CRUNK?!?!
Rose: Mano just ducked under the clothesline from Ron Layfield... he springboards off the ropes, turns around in mid-air, Ron turns around... Spinning Arm Drag! Ron rolls out of the ring, and in comes... aw hell, Randy Moron. Maybe you shoulda gotten a better quartet of stooges, ya think?
Axl: Moron runs toward Mano... Mano leapfrogs over the oncoming self-proclaimed "One Man Dentistry". I think he may have meant "Dynasty" when he coined that phrase, but God only knows with a man of his IQ... or lack thereof.
Rose: After Mano leaps over him, Randy spins around quickly and lowers to the canvas... crouching... waiting to strike with his patented RetardKO. Mano turns around and Randall goes for his move... but that damn Insano drops Moron backward with a back suplex... followed by a pinfall! 1-2-DAMMIT NO! The beaner bastard just eliminated Randy Moron!
Axl: I knew I shoulda given him the HBK gimmick. Then he wouldn't have been ABLE to job. It woulda been IMPOSSIBLE!
Rose: Well, speaking of which, here comes Triple Ay-Cha. But he's not exactly in "That Damn Good" of shape...
Axl: Triple Ay-Cha has a sledgehammer. A plastic, toy sledgehammer, but a sledgehammer nonetheless. It's as full of hot air as the REAL Triple H!
Rose: Ay-Cha swings the hammer... but it merely pops upon coming in contact with one of the horns of Mano's mask. Ay-Cha goes for a clothesline, but Mano leaps into the air... he grabs Ay-Cha's head, and snaps off the tornado ddt!!! This is NOT looking good...
Axl: Mano heads up top with Ay-Cha sprawled out across the mat... Mano goes for the Insano Sault... and it CONNECTS!!! FV#K! Mano goes for the pin... but John Semen comes in with a chain wrapped around his fist, dropping it down against the back of Insano's head! Ay-Cha regains his senses... Peticure from Triple Ay-Cha... Semen rips Mano back up to his feet... FUCK-YOU!!! Semen just hit the Fuck-You, and is now wrapping Mano in the Shut The Fuck Up! This has GOT to be it!
Rose: Both Semen AND Ay-Cha are going for the pin... Wait... who's that standing in the rafters? ... KAMIKAZE KEN!!! Last week Mano ALMOST helped Ken pick up the victory over Steve Roydz. I expect that the word 'almost' is going to come up this time as well! Ken pulls on a helmet, and what in the hell is this guy thinking? ... OHMYGOD!!!
Axl: Ken... Ken just leaped from the rafters! And is plummeting toward the ring... The ref's counting... 1... 2... DAMMIT! Ken falls right on top of Ay-Cha and Semen just as the hand is falling for the three! While Semen rolls under the bottom rope and falls to the outside, Ay-Cha and Ken roll under the bottom and fall on top of Unit 42. Ken pulls himself up, along with Triple Ay-Cha... Ken struggles to pull the tubby guy up to his feet... but Ay-Cha is able to counter, and WAMMO! Arn Anderson Spinebuster to Kamikaze Ken on the lid of the washing machi- er, Unit 42!
Rose: Inside the ring, Mano slowly reaches his feet by clinging to the ropes... He turns around... CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL!!! Ron Layfield just creamed Mano with a DEVESTATING clothesline, flipping the Lucha Sensation nearly three times in the air! Mano crashes and burns! Now we're cookin' with gas!
Axl: Ron pulls Mano back up, and loads him for the Dominator... SON-OF-A-PORCUPINE!!! Mano with the spinning Flatliner!!! Ron layed out on the canvas, and Mano goes for the pin... 1...2..3!!! One word... DAMN!
Rose: Just as soon as Mano raises up, though, he's attacked from behind at the hands of both Triple Ay-Cha and "The Ching-Chang Choldier" John Semen! Get 'im boys!
Axl: Ay-Cha and Semen set Mano up for a double chokeslam... but somehow he manages to leap into the air and drop them BOTH with a double ddt! He goes for a pin on both men, and gets the 1, 2, 3! That means we're left with only TWO men! My bro... and the man that's sneaking up from behind Mano...
Rose: Mano's spun around and lifted into the air by Bluemaga, who raises his taped pinkie high into the air... but Mano soars out of the clutches of Bluemaga, over the monster's back, and rolls him up in a sunset flip! 1-2-3!!! DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT!!!
Axl: I can't believe this crap! That damned Mano MUST be cheating! There's no way on Earth he could be defeating our men fair and square!
Rose: Mano is on his knees, trying desperately catch his breath...
[Suddenly, the lights cut out... and a lime green 'X' appears on the Tiny-Tron.]
Speakers: Coming soon... the greatest video game console to ever grace your pathetic excuse for a home entertainment system... The X-Station Wii60. From ViTech. Because we're better than you.
[Mano turns his head to stare at the X on the screen, and as he does so, Viruz sneaks up from behind and locks on the Viruz Skan dragon sleeper.]
Axl: YES! Excellent planning by my bro!
Rose: Mano's on the verge of tapping out!!! Oh CRAP, here comes that damn Kurt Angel! Kurt slides into the ring... Heavenly Slam! DAMMIT! And Kurt rolls Mano over onto Vi... 1... 2... NOOO! Mano just pinned your brother!
[Kurt quickly rolls out of the ring and walks up the ramp, high-fiving a few fans on the way. Kurt reaches the stage and turns around to pose one last time, but Viruz is holding a microphone.]
Viruz: KURT! That's it! I've had all I can stand and I can't stand anymore! At UnFOURgiven... it's gonna be you... and me... in the first ever 'Enter the Vortex' match!!! You're going to experience the debut of my greatest creation... The X-Station Wii60! You like pain? You're gonna get more than even YOU can handle, because every ounce of pain you feel in the game? You feel... for REAL. Your Judgement Day is approaching, Kurt... and this time? You WON'T be going to heaven!!!
[Viruz drops the microphone with a loud clatter and static. Viruz locks eyes with Kurt from across the arena... a deadly gaze shared between the two... as the audience backs Angel.]
[We head over to BOB's announcers now.]
Styles: Fans, we're back and our cameras, well, camera, is trying to catch up with Studnuts and Thrilla. We understand they've been fighting their way through the halls of Caligula's Palace and…they're almost at the casino?
SW: Bwahahaha. I doubt all those zombie gamblers will even notice.
Styles: But right now, we're going to go live via satellite to check in on Jerri Li. We saw her briefly at the top of the show. And Jerri, first up, I've got to ask, how are you doing after being put through the barbed wire at the hands of Steve Studnuts?
[Cut to Jerri Li.]
JL: Never been better, Styles. It was such a rush. I've been ripping open my wounds all week. *Shivers* Sooo good. And Steve? I'm comin' for ya.
[She looks longingly at her picture of Steve Studnuts. Cut back to Styles and Scotty Whatbody, whose mouth is hanging open in lust.]
Styles: So, uh…you're at home recuperating, and no doubt getting ready for the big match at UnFOURgiven, as you'll take on Nikki Mantle for the T&A XX Division Title.
[Back to Jerri, who begins licking a battery.]
Styles: Stop that! Oh my GOD! Are you worried about Nikki Mantle coming back for vengeance? You did tombstone her through the Hierarchy announce desk.
JL: Nah, she agreed to that before the show.
JL: Scotty, Styles, I'm in BOB to injure and be injured. I'm here to be the S&M Champion!
Styles: Don't you mean the T&A Champion?
JL: No. Tell Nikki something for me. At UnFOURgiven…bring barbed wire softball bats. Bring tai pei softballs. Bring light tubes filled with piranhas. I don't care! She can bring whatever she wants. I want to get hardcore with Nikki at UnFOURgiven! Because by the time we get to FOUR, I'll be ready to play!
[Scotty tips over in his chair.]
JL: And one day, this place will be called BOJL!
JL: Brawlers On Jerri Li! Because I want everybody to fight me and hurt me at Sadomasochistia 69!
Styles: Thanks, Jerri. I hope you feel, uh, worse? Right. Are you OK, Scotty?
[Scotty returns to his seat.]
SW: Sadomasochistia 69? I'd love to brawl on Jerri. Among other things I'd like to do on her.
Styles: Easy. Hold on. I'm being told we've finally got our camera with Thrilla and Studnuts. Go, go, go!
[Cut to Caligula's Casino. Studnuts is dragging Dr. Thrilla toward a Blackjack table. Studnuts smashes Thrilla's head on the edge of the table.]
Gambler #1: Hit me!
[Dr. Thrilla punches the guy, knocking him off his stool.]
"Black" Jack Dealer: Busted!
SW: Hey, didn't he used to be in the STWF?
Gambler #2: Hit me!
[Studnuts hits the guy, knocking him off his stool.]
"Black" Jack Dealer: Busted!
[Gambler #3 stares at the bloody faces of Studnuts and Thrilla both staring at him.]
Gambler #3: (Pause) Um, I'll stand.
"Black" Jack Dealer: Blackjack! Dealer wins!
Styles: Studnuts and Thrilla are taking their brawl deeper into the casino. Thrilla with a hiptoss onto the roulette table! Oh my GOD! Studnuts kicking at Thrilla, but Thrilla avoids. Thrilla grabs a handful of chips and he's trying to stuff them down Studnuts' throat.
SW: But Studnuts just grabbed a win marker! Oh no, he's trying to shove it in Thrilla's eye. This is brutal!
Styles: Thrilla is forced to let go. Studnuts has Thrilla. Oh, he just smashed him into a slot machine.
[Studnuts stops a waiter. He grabs a glass off the tray, downs it…]
[And smashes the glass over Thrilla's head. He grabs the two other glasses, downs those drinks quickly, and…]
[Also smashes those glasses over Thrilla's head.]
Styles: Now he's got the tray.
SW: Now he's got the waiter. He just smashed the waiter and Thrilla's heads together. Bwahahaha!
Styles: Oh no. Thrilla has the waiter now. He throws the waiter at Studnuts. Studnuts catches him and drops him on the floor. And now Studnuts catches a knee to the jaw that sends him down. Thrilla drops a knee. Cover. Cover?
DT: *confused metal clanging*
[Dr. Thrilla looks around.]
SW: That idiot Generic Ref is playing video poker! Thrilla had Studnuts beat!
DT: *angry metal clanging*
GR: But I've got a full house!
DT: *angrier metal clanging*
GR: Fine, fine.
Styles: Studnuts with a school boy roll…yes, in the middle of a casino. One! Two and NO! Thrilla kicked out! Thrilla charges. Studnuts ducks. Mohegan Sun-set Flip! One! Two! Studnuts kicks out.
SW: Care to explain that name?
Styles: Mohegan Sun is a casino in Connecticut.
SW: I always knew you were a degenerate gambler! Haha. Oh man, what do you wanna bet these two are going to end up fighting all the way through the desert if this thing doesn't get over soon. They may still be fighting next week.
Styles: And the Swiss Army Belt is on the line. Thrilla looking to win the belt for the first time, while Studnuts looking to have a successful first defense. What? We need to take a break? NOW? Argh. Fans, we'll be back. Still to come, The Domino vs. Sarah "The Jobber Slayer."
[As we return to the ballroom, "Not All Who Wander Are Lost" by DevilDriver is playing while Trey Vincent puts on a headset, to the surprise of no one.]
Styles: Welcome back to Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION, and we're being joined by the Vice President in Charge of Everything, and one-half of the Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team Champions, Trey Vincent.
TV: Just for the record, I am good enough to fight alone. Kevin the Pyromaniac named me his partner. But I'm never one to turn down a title, regardless of what it's called. And Styles, Scotty, it's been a wild night, hasn't it, Styles? Did you see Studnuts and Thrilla fighting in the casino? And they're still not done?
Styles: They are apparently still fighting through the hotel. Lord knows where they'll end up next. But that match still isn't done.
TV: That's right, Scotty.
Styles: Um, I'm Styles, boss.
TV: Don't correct the VPICOE! If I call you Scotty, you change your damn name to Scotty!
SW: What do you think of The Domino, Trey?
TV: I think The Domino is going to job. That's what I think.
Styles: Are you going to interfere?
TV: No. I'm not going to do a run-in. That's so last week.
Voiceover: IF YA SMELL (beat) WHAT THE DOMINO (beat) IS STIRRIN'!
["The Domino Rally Theme" plays. The Domino steps out to boos from the Sin City crowd. He turns around, bends over, and unleashes the People's Gas, then begins waving his hands near his ass, as if he just farted and is fanning the smell toward the crowd.]
NH: This is the main event, and is for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. Introducing first, the challenger. From Frostproof, Florida. He weighs in at 265 pounds. The Domino!
TV: The Domino forgot his leather jacket, white T-shirt and hair grease, I think.
SW: Can you believe the WWE ripped off another of our characters?
TV: We should sue them for copyright infringement. If only I hadn't wasted all my money buying bootleg WWE DVDs and selling Dudley Boyz T-shirts. Whoops. Did I say that out loud?
[Kamikazie Ken and Insano Mano charge out from the back with burning rakes!]
TV: Oh, yeah! Time to turn the Domino into the deuce that he is!
Styles: I thought you said you weren't running in!
TV: I'm not! The match hasn't even started yet.
SW: Hahaha! Brilliant!
Styles: Look at this! Kevin the Pyromaniac, Insano Mano and Kamikazie Ken are assaulting The Domino in the aisle. And I sure as hell hope those rakes don't set off the sprinklers, or we'll never be allowed back inside this place again!
SW: And we still don't have a referee out here? Who the hell was the referee in that Hierarchy match?
Caption: PLOT HOLE 345 of 1,438,018 FOUND!
Styles: Are we living in Grand Theft Auto now? This isn't right. The Domino is being decimated.
SW: Oh, please. It's not like our fans are chanting "one more match" at him. Nobody cares about The Domino.
Styles: Now, the group known as The Fall of Man, whose job is apparently to protect the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS at all costs for Sarah "The Jobber Slayer," have done just that. The Domino has been burned. Literally and figuratively.
["Metal Storm/Face The Slayer" by Slayer hits. The crowd pops.]
SW: Oh, yeah! Time to finish off The Domino. I think she'll easily beat him in 30 minutes or less. Think he's been delivering pizza for a living since he left BOB?
Styles: That would make sense.
NH: And his opponent. From Cloudydale, Connecticut, she weighs in at 100 pounds, and is the reigning ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer."
SW: Hell, the Domino's so out of shape, we should call him Fats Domino!
Styles: He's not that fat.
SW: Right. Next thing you'll be telling me Heidi isn't that much of a slut.
Styles: *Ahem* Right. Well, we still don't have a referee out here. Oh, let me guess, one of them has a referee shirt on?
[Right on cue, Trey Vincent rips open his T-shirt to reveal he is wearing a black and white referee shirt. The bell rings. Trey suddenly grabs his eye and falls to the mat in pain as if he got hit by something.]
Styles: And the Academy Award goes to...
[Sarah charges into the ring as Trey now grabs his leg and rolls around in pain. She pulls The Domino up, tosses him the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.]
Styles: TRIPLE KICK! Oh my GOD! The Domino is done. And Trey just made a miraculous recovery. How can he not notice the title belt? It's right in front of him. And there's the three. That was ridiculous!
SW: What do you expect with these guys? A wrestling clinic? They're sports entertainers, not wrestlers.
[The crowd erupts as a bloody Dr. Thrilla and an even bloodier Steve Studnuts are now brawling down the aisle.]
SW: They're STILL fighting? Holy crap. And finally, Generic Ref is back out here.
[The Fall of Man clears out of the ring.]
Styles: Now we've got an impromptu lumberjack match?
[The crowd erupts again as several people head out from the back. Death. XXXtreme Machine. Dr. Silaconne M. Plants. Mr. Paradox. Pigeon. Axl. Steve Roydz. Duff. The Great.]
SW: Look. It's everybody who's advanced to round 2 of the Grand Slam tournament.
Styles: And now we REALLY have a lumberjack match. Studnuts and Thrilla are continuing to brawl in the ring.
["The Imperial March" plays. Garth Vader walks down the aisle, surrounded by Four Dollar-Store Troopers.]
SW: Garth Vader? Who the hell is this guy?
Styles: I don't know. But he has at least one friend in a very high place within BOB apparently.
Seth Harker: Don't mind if I join in, do you?
Styles: Of course not.
Seth: Hey, Trey.
TV: What are YOU doing out here? Are you going to screw Studnuts?
Seth: Or are you?
TV: No. I'd never screw my best friend. Unless my best friend was a really hot chick, of course.
SW: Man. This is chaos out here. Studnuts and Thrilla continue to battle in the ring, and we've got arguments all over the place out here. Now Vader is huddling with Axl, Pigeon, Roydz and Duff.
GV: The Script is with him. *Wheeze*
Styles: Something bad is about to happen. Seth, do you know who Garth Vader is?
Seth: Don't care. Didn't even notice him, honestly.
SW: You ever dress Kay up as Princess Leia and pretend she's your sister?
[Seth's cell phone rings.]
Seth: Kay's calling. Thanks, Scotty. I always get into trouble whenever I talk to you.
SW: Always glad to help.
Styles: Thrilla's got Studnuts up! Studnuts slips out. Death Valley (Of The Sun) Driver connects! COVER! ONE! TWO!
[Mr. Paradox pulls out Generic Ref to a good pop. And a gigantic brawl breaks out at ringside as Plants attacks Paradox, and then Plants is jumped by The Hierarchy en masse, and then everybody is suddenly fighting with everybody.]
Kamikazie Ken: Hey, quit punching me. We're on the same team!
Kevin the Pyromaniac: Oh, right. My bad!
XXXtreme Machine: ow!
[Sarah slides into the ring with the title belt. She blasts Studnuts in the face with it to a huge pop! Trey slides into the ring and they start yelling at each other.]
TV: How the *BEEP* could you do that?
Sarah: It was easy!
TV: I told you not to interfere!
Sarah: I didn't listen!
[Jerri Li is suddenly in the ring behind Sarah.]
SW: Jerri Li's here?
[Jerri sprays the RED MIST~!]
Styles: Sarah's been blinded by the red mist!
SW: Do all Asians know how to do that? What the hell do they eat over there? Is that from eating sushi?
Styles: That could be blood for all I know, considering how sick Jerri Li is. Trey just swung at Jerri's head, but she ducked.
Styles: And Trey goes down after that thunderous kick to the head! Well, at the start of this show, Jerri Li promised to hurt Studnuts good. Is she about to deliver on the promise? But check this out. She's alone in the ring with Studnuts AND Dr. Thrilla. Who will Jerri chose to hurt here?
[Both men drags themselves to their feet.]
Styles: Jerri's looking back and forth between both men. She heads over to Studnuts and grabs him. Oh, you sonofabitch! He just forearmed her in the face. Death Valley (Of the Sun) Driver coming up. SPEAR BY THRILLA! And Jerri also just landed hard there.
SW: I think she liked it, Styles. Don't worry.
Styles: Thrilla drags up Studnuts. EXPLORATORY SURGERY connects! Generic Ref's back in! COVER! ONE! TWO! THREE! New champion! New champion!
NH: Here is your winner, and NEW Swiss Army champion, Dr. Thrilla!
SW: No way!
[Seth Harker is quickly to the ring. He hits a springboard guillotine leg drop on Thrilla before he can even get off Studnuts. Harker punches away on an exhausted Dr. Thrilla.]
Styles: Harker drags up Thrilla. Harker Driver '08 on the Swiss Army Belt! Oh man! I can't believe this. Two of the three members of the iAd are gone from this tournament! But Harker is apparently on a mission to make sure Thrilla doesn't last much longer. Here comes Paradox.
[We go slow-mo, as Harker does a backwards bend to avoid the sword slash. The camera returns to normal speed, and Harker quickly rolls out of the ring. He pulls Trey and Sarah to safety. Paradox sees Studnuts still down and stands over him with the sword.]
Styles: Oh nononononononono!
[Paradox raises the sword up, with the tip pointing right at Studnuts' chest.]
SW: WHORE! WHORE! WHORE!
Styles: Jerri Li just saved Studnuts life with that spear to Paradox. Nipple Cutter by SMP on Jerri? Pigeon's in. PIGEON DROP on Plants! Fireball to Pigeon by Kevin the Pyromaniac! The Great just hit Kevin with a Twist of Great! Duff just knocked down the Great. House of the Rising Sun locked in on The Great!
SW: It's a finishing move blowout. Every finishing move must GO!
Styles: Insano Sault by Mano takes out Duff! Now Roydz has Mano. The HeadLock! Luke Warm has arrived. DOUBLE STONECUTTER on Roydz and Mano! Sinister Slice by Axl on Luke Warm! Death is right behind Axl! But Axl grabs Death and hits ANOTHER Sinister Slice! Is he psychic? How the hell did he know Death was right behind him?
SW: I think he used the awesome power of the Script. Page 26.
Styles: Sonofa…And another Sinister Slice for XXXtreme Machine. Axl is the last man standing? Are you kidding me?
["The Imperial March" plays. Vader nods in approval, turns around and walks away.]
Styles: Fans, it's been an unbelievable night. Dr. Thrilla's got the Swiss Army Belt. And in two weeks, round two will begin. I'm also being told that there will be an important announcement in the Newz Zone shortly about Round 2 of The Grand Slam Tournament.
SW: What's on here next week?
Styles: A classic episode of BOB.
SW: A repeat?
Caption: ©2008 BOB Wrestling!
Styles: Yes, a repeat. Or some sort of clip show. Tune in and find out. Until then, fans, thanks for joining us. Good night everybody!