[Fade in on the Four Dragons Casino in Sin City. "Takin' Care of Business" is playing as the camera tries to find all the biggest boobs attached to hot or semi-hot girls it can find. Sadly, not too many hot chicks or huge racks to be found. Hey, is that girl even legal? Naughty, Clive.]
Styles: Hello everyone, and welcome to Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! I'm Mikey Styles, along with Scotty Whatbody. And this promises to be one of the biggest nights in Brawlers on a Budget history!
SW: Three title matches. BigBOSS is back. Big whoop. Axl still works here.
Styles: That aside, we've got Trey Vincent and Kevin the Pyromaniac defending the Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team Titles against Mr. Paradox and Dr. Silaconne M. Plants. The Great will challenge Dr. Thrilla for the Swiss Army Belt. And in our main event, Steve Studnuts challenges Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. And there is a LOT to talk about in that one after what's happened this week.
SW: That's not the only thing we've got to talk about. BigBOSS's favorite Slayer, Eliza, made some news while we were off. She appeared on that loud, annoying Thursday night show. She went up against a black, and she ain't ever coming back.
SW: What? Awesome Kong is black. And Eliza is fired. Find one thing that's factually inaccurate in that statement.
Styles: You are such a racist.
SW: I am not you cracka ass cracka!
Styles: Let's here what the BigBOSS has to say about Eliza "The Jobber Slayer."
SW: I wonder what kind of impact this had on his pants? Think he's come up with some sort of trouser stimulus plan?
BigBOSS: As some of you know, Eliza has crossed the line, so I had to fire her. And I'm very sad. Which means I want money. So, BOB Wrestling is proud to present the BigBUCKS BigBOSS Bribeaganza! All you have to do is go to this page and register. Ready? It's www.bobwrestling.com/implosion-bribeaganza. Go ahead. I'll wait. Can I get a drum roll please!
SW: Oh, sweet. I can bribe BigBOSS? Me vs. all the XX Division girls in a shirts and skins match! Woohoo!
[Sounds of typing on a keyboard as The Flunky runs out and hands BigBOSS a turkey leg.]
BigB: No, that's a drumstick. Drum ROLL!
[The Flunky runs back and brings a basket full of bread.]
BigB: No! Not dinner rolls, DRUM ROLL!
[The Flunky angrily stomps to the back. A snare drum flies past his head.]
BigB: *Sigh* Close enough.
SW: This is gonna be GREAT, Styles. Hey, this doesn't look like—
Rick Astley: We're no strangers to love. You know the rules and so do I. A full commitment's what I'm thinking of. You wouldn't get this from any other guy. I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling. Gotta make you understand. Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.
SW: Noooooo! SONOFA--
BigBOSS: Suckers! Your code is I'veJustBeenRickrolledBitch! Right then, moving on. Here's the deal. Send me your money. And I'll send you UnFOURgiven! Exclusively on BOB-On-Demand! July 5, 2008!
SW: Oh man! All this for a lousy On-Demand plug?
BigB: You will see the finals of the Grand Slam tournament in which it's winner take all and losers take nothing. You will see the Beer in the Belly Ladder Match, featuring Insano Mano, Steve Roydz, Axl, and three other people. You will see Viruz vs. Kurt Angel in an Enter the Vortex match. You will see Jerri Li vs. Nikki Mantle for the T&A XX Division Title. You will see Mr. Fantastic vs. Duke Thompson. And we'll figure out the rest of the details by the end of tonight or by iMPLOSION 9, the final iMPLOSION before UnFOURgiven. Speaking of which, let's get this show underway with the tag team title match. Now start sending us your money!
["Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley hits.]
SW: Haha! Suck on that! BigBOSS just got Rickrolled!
Styles: Payback's a Rick.
Big: Hey! Play my music or you're fired!
[Needle scratch sound effect. "Takin' Care of Business" plays out the BigBOSS.]
[Backstage, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" was sitting against a wall, the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS hanging over her knees. She sniffed loudly and wiped her nose.]
Sarah: Hi Mike.
Mike Monroe: Sarah, you've had a week from hell. How are you doing?
Sarah: I've got Death stalking me. I've got an incredible bad luck streak. And now, He-Who-I-Must-Lorena-Bobbitt broke up with me for…I don't even know why! But Mike, anybody who knows me knows I'm not a quitter. Screw him, and screw Studnuts. I've still got the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, and that's the only thing that matters. Tonight, Studnuts, your initials are TV.
[In the ballroom, "Enter Kevin, Enter Trey" by Vietallica is playing.]
NH: Ladies and gentlemen, this opening contest is a Grand Slam tournament match and is for the Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team Titles. Introducing first, the champions. At a combined weight of something, they hail from different places. Kevin the Pyromaniac and Trey Vincent, the Divine Comedy!
[Kevin and Trey walk out and head to the ring to a mix of boos and apathy.]
SW: Hey, they finally came up with a tag team name?
Styles: Sounds like a play on Dante's Inferno. Makes sense.
SW: Why? Because Kevin is such a joke? He's gotten pinned by a pile of burning leaves! How do you get pinned by leaves?
Styles: No. What I was referring to was the word inferno. Kevin and infernos go together.
SW: Or, maybe this match will be worse than being in the ninth circle of hell.
Styles: Also a possibility.
["Are We Ourselves?" by the Fixx plays. The crowd pops as Mr. Paradox steps out.]
NH: And their opponents. First, he's from South Dakota. This is Mr. Paradox.
Styles: This will be the first time Mr. Paradox and Dr. Silaconne M. Plants have been a tag team. And it's all thanks to the way this tournament was set up. One of the stipulations was that the tag team champions had to defend their titles against whoever came up in the seeding.
NH: And his partner…
["Smooth Operator" by Sade hits. The crowd boos.]
NH: From Naples, Italy, the Sinister Surgeon, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants!
Styles: If SMP and Paradox win this match, then that means they'll forfeit their spots in the Beer in the Belly Ladder Match, which they have already qualified for in the first round. If they lose, however, they they'll still be in that match and in a matter of weeks will be opponents.
SW: Feuding tag team partners? I've never seen THAT before.
Styles: Hold on, Trey's got the mic, of course.
TV: Greetings, humans. Before we get this one underway, I need to make an announcement about this tag title match. Now, I know we advertised Trey and Kevin vs. SMP and Paradox, but, crap, let's be honest. I want to win this tournament. So, as of now, may I introduce to you, my new tag team partner, Mr. Paradox!
Styles: What? He can't do that? Can he?
[Cut to BigBOSS, who is on the cell phone.]
BigBOSS: What did I tell you about bothering me when I'm on the phone?
[Back to the ring.]
SMP: You can't do that, Vincent. Kevin is your partner.
TV: I can do whatever I want. Just ask Heidi.
TV: Don't worry, Doc. I know it's a new feeling for you getting screwed, but don't worry. It'll be a one-time thing.
Kevin: Trey! I made you MY partner! You can't do this to me you mother*BEEP*er!
TV: Oh, did you hear us? Sorry, your mom, she's SUCH a screamer.
Styles: Kevin is FURIOUS at this betrayal by Trey Vincent! And I think he's about to be fuming mad. He's spraying his leg with lighter fluid! But Trey just decked him, and this match is underway. It's now Mr. Paradox and Trey Vincent against Kevin the Pyromaniac and Dr. Silaconne M. Plants. What a shocking way to kick off iMPLOSION.
SW: Yeah. Well, it would have been a bigger shocker if Trey had picked SMP for his partner. Because SMP didn't even do a Rant this week.
Styles: What's that have to do with anything?
SW: SMP's gonna J-O-B.
Styles: This is a match. It has nothing to do with Ranting.
SW: Not according to that leaked memo.
Styles: Vincent just pounding away on his former tag team partner. This is bizarre. Who is defending the titles now?
SW: I guess once again, it's winner take all. Trey is the Vice President in Charge of Everything. And I think he's finally starting to use his power for good.
Styles: Yeah, his OWN good.
SW: What, do you want to be the ONLY WORLD CHAMP or something?
Styles: No thanks, I don't want to sleep with Trey. I'm quite fine doing the announcing here.
SW: Sarah was sleeping with Trey, but even that wasn't enough apparently for Trey. In case you missed it, Trey broke up with Sarah in a Rant this week. Unless it was all a ruse and Trey and Sarah are really planning to screw Studnuts later. I don't know if that's the case because they didn't send me the last few pages of the script! Bastards. I need to know NOW!
Styles: Kevin manages to dive and tag in SMP. Are we finally about to see Trey and SMP lock up for the first time?
SW: Bwahaha! No. Trey just tagged out to Paradox.
Styles: Lock up, no, as Paradox with a cheap shot to a huge cheer from this Sin City crowd. Paradox stomping away on Plants. I've been waiting to see Plants and Trey in the same ring since earlier this year when Trey pulled shenanigans to avoid matches against the Mama'z Boyz.
SW: Your wet fanboy dream is about to come true, Styles. Trey just tagged in.
Styles: Vincent just unloading with stomps on The Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling Today. Trey with a cover. One, two and a kickout by Plants.
SW: If this is no DQ, why are they tagging?
Styles: You're looking for logic in BOB?
SW: It must be inside the Holy Grail.
[Cut to Coma and Hallucination Boy, who are trying to stop a giant cartoon foot from crushing them.]
Coma: One, two, five!
Hallucination Boy: Three sir!
Coma: THREE! Ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!
[Back to the ring.]
Styles: Paradox back in. Plants with a kick, but Paradox with a brutal clothesline just planted Plants. Cover! One, two and no. Another quick tag and BOB's Vice President in Charge of Everything is back in. Scoop slam. Vincent drags up SMP. And sends him back down with a punch.
SW: Plants needs to win this match if he has any hope of finding out the code to that safe that holds the secrets of that night with Studnuts and Nurse Heidi.
Styles: Is that even true? Why would Heidi write the numbers to the safe on those titles?
SW: She's blonde?
Styles: Plants just avoided the leg drop and Plants quickly up and off the ropes. Dropkick into Vincent's face by Plants.
SW: Plants couldn't jump any higher off the mat or he'd break a hip trying to do that move.
Styles: Plants desperately needs a tag, and now so does Vincent.
SW: Is it really a good idea to tag IN Kevin? What is that idiot doing? Is he setting his hand tape on fire? What is this, a really hot tag?
Styles: We're about to find out. Kevin's in! Paradox is in! Kevin with a fiery slap. Kevin with a flaming punch to Paradox! And another. And another. Kevin's sleeve just went up! Flaming clothesline on Paradox! Oh my GOD!
SW: Now THAT'S a clothesline from hell!
Styles: Wish I had thought of that one. Now Kevin's spraying his knee. I think Kevin's about to debut his brand new finisher, the Go 2 Hell! Paradox is up! Trey's back in! He grabs Kevin! What is this? Rock Bottom?
SW: Close. Trey calls that move "TNA iMPACT's Ratings!" Which, I guess is as accurate as saying "rock bottom." But less mean!
Styles: TNA IMPACT's Ratings connects, but Vincent's partner, Mr. Paradox, also took a Samoan drop in the process. Trey with the cover. One. Two. Plants jerks Trey off--
Styles: My bad. Nipple Cutter on Trey! That's gonna be it! Plants will go on to the finals! One! Two! Trey kicked out? Trey Vincent kicked out!
Styles: You're only cheering him because he signs your checks.
SW: You say that like it's a bad thing.
Styles: Plants drags a groggy Trey Vincent back up. SMP sets up TV on the top turnbuckle. I think he's going for the Scalpel's Edge, Scotty. That will finish this match for sure! Can SMP put this one away! Trey kicks his way free.
SW: Shocking Conclusion! Not to be confused with a STONECUTTER, even though they look exactly the same.
Styles: SMP has been knocked silly by that similar move numerous times. Will it do him in now? One! Two! Three-NO! Plants kicked out! He kicked out, but I don't know how.
SW: Look out for Kevin. He's ready to attack. Springboard crossbody on Plants? Bwahaha, what a retard!
SMP: *BEEP*hole, we're partners.
Kevin: Oh right! Forgot.
Styles: Kevin charges at Trey but gets caught. Oh no nononono! Fallaway slam over the top rope from Trey!
Crowd: Holy crap! Holy crap! Holy crap!
Styles: As always, thanks to our fans for censoring themselves.
SW: Hey, Paradox just grabbed his sword and is in the ring.
Styles: And now Heidi's in the ring! She's covering up Plants? Heidi, for the love of GOD, get out of there!
SW: Trey will take care of this. He's spanking Heidi! Oh, that'll never work. Her ass has to be totally desensitized to taking a pounding after all these years.
Styles: There's a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen. Only in wrestling can you get away with spanking your employees. Oh, get away from her! Did you see what Paradox just did? He just threw her into the corner. And now Vincent's holding SMP by the arms.
TV: You sure about this?
MP: What could possibly go wrong?
TV: Have you ever WATCHED sports entertainment?
Styles: SMP got an arm free. NIPPLE CUTTER ON TREY!
SW: Not only a Nipple Cutter. He also just dropkicked Paradox out of the ring with the same move! Oh no!
Styles: ONE! TWO! TREY kicks out! What does SMP have to do to put away Trey Vincent and move on in this tournament? Trey has given Plants Kevin as a tag team partner, and now Trey's managed to kick out of TWO Nipple Cutters.
SW: Yeah, and SMP's reached his limit on Nipple Cutters on Trey. He doesn't have any more nipples to cut.
Styles: Oh, whatever, Scotty. He's pulling out something extra special! It's Med Degree time! SMP has Trey set up. But Trey reverses SMP. Oh no. What an unbelievable reversal by Vincent! Now Trey has SMP! Coming Down! ONE! TWO! THREE! NO! SMP kicked out!
SW: Man, this is On-Demand quality right here. And that's why everyone should order UnFOURgiven!
Styles: Now Vincent is pounding away on SMP relentlessly. This is brutal! SMP doesn't have enough left to block any of these blows.
SW: Do I smell burning flesh? Look out! There go Kevin and Paradox.
Styles: They're brawling right near us. And I hope there's a fire extinguisher handy.
NH: Trey, stop! Stop it!
Styles: Heidi pleading with Vincent to stop pounding on SMP, who has been busted open by those repeated fists to the skull. Hey! No! Leave Heidi alone!
SW: Oh no! Trey, don't!
Styles: Trey has Heidi. Don't you dare! NO! OH MY GOD NO! Fishermanbuster onto SMP! Oh, this is insane!
[The bell rings. The crowd boos, of course]
SW: What happened?
Styles: Generic Ref just stopped the match. Trey crossed the line.
SW: Are you sure? Maybe we should send it over to Heidi to get the official…oh, right, she just got fishermanbusted.
Styles: How can you make light of this?
SW: I wasn't? My short-term memory is just terrible lately.
Styles: Heidi is laying unconscious on top of a bloody Dr. Silaconne M. Plants in one of the most sickening ends to a match I've ever seen. Is this supposed to be funny?
SW: Trey's laughing.
Styles: He's the only one, Scotty.
SW: Poor SMP. He's finally getting Heidi laying on him, and he's unconscious! Poor bastard.
Styles: Stop it. Fans, we've gotta go to a break.
TV: Your winners, and somewhat new tag team champions, Mr. Paradox and Trey Vincent.
Styles: We'll be back.
Caption: DID YOU KNOW?
Caption #2: BOB is broadcast in 1 recognized language (Babel Fish doesn't count, does it?) from the United States via G5 TV. If you can't understand English, then screw you!
[In a hallway of the casino, Seth Harker was chilling when BigBOSS walked by.]
BigB: Is Kay Fabe ever coming back to BOB?
Seth Harker: Was it ever really here?
BigB: Not it. She.
Seth: Oh, the redhead? Yep. She'll be back.
BigB: Hold on, I'm vibrating.
Seth: I hope it's from a cell phone.
BigB: Hello? You're what? Well, who's the father? My father got your pregnant? How dare he! I…What do you mean it's ours, you just said…but that would mean…
[BigBOSS lowers the phone.]
Seth: Did somebody break two and a half mirrors? Or just a condom?
BigBOSS: Mrs. Behave is pregnant.
Seth: Congratulations. I think. When's little Stuart Seth due?
BigBOSS: What? Only a cruel bastard would name his son Seth. Oh, sorry, Seth. Didn't realize you were standing there.
[Seth looks around.]
Seth: Who did you think you were talking to this whole time? Well, now you'll have the heir and a spare, I guess. Hmm. I wonder which one is which. The adopted daughter, or the blob in the goo. Can't wait to find out.
BigB: Look, I've got to go. I assume I'll be too busy for the next few months taking her to the doctor, taking her to classes, picking out baby clothes from laundromats when their rightful owners aren't looking and then running like hell. You know, the usual fatherly things. Can you do me a favor while I'm away? I need you to be acting BigBOSS. Can I trust you in this role?
Seth: (Seth shrugs) Sure.
BigB: Good. Well. I've gotta go. (As he's running off) And don't let Trey give you a hard time now that you've got more power than him.
Seth: Well. Isn't this interesting…
["(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" by Rolling Stones plays, eliciting boos from the crowd. Yes, I just wrote eliciting. Ain't I smrt? SMART! D'oh.]
XXXtreme Machine: teh faloin m\ash iz skedult 4 1 fal!! inerdosin fristk , frm st loos, tis iz teg grate!!
SW: Aw, man. Heidi just had to go get herself fishermanbusted, didn't she?
Styles: I'm far more disturbed that he's wearing a nurse's outfit.
SW: Oh, is that why I went blind?
Styles: XXXtreme Machine forgot to mention that this is for the Swiss Army Belt. The winner of this match will join Trey Vincent and Mr. Paradox in the main event of UnFOURgiven on July 5th.
SW: The less he says, the better. Well, at least it isn't Axl. There's nothing that could compare to the torture of hearing him ramble on and on about nothing.
["Under the Knife" by AC/DC plays. The crowd pops ]
XM: n hiz oponint!!! frum teeuwana mesizo dr thilrrrraaaa!!!
SW: It sounds like XXXtreme Machine just vomited!
Styles: Thrilla is the Wet-Vac Assassin.
Styles: MOTHER*BEEP*! What the hell is wrong with you?
Axl: Nothing, anymore. Scotty always tells the world how much he loves jugs, so I just smashed one over his lying skull. What's that Scotty? You like being driven through the EZ Break Announce Desk? No problem. Check it out, Scotty, you're in luck. Here's "The Next NEXT Big Thing" Steve Roydzner! You'll love this finisher. It's quite refreshing…
[Roydz throws Scotty up onto his shoulders.]
Styles: OH MY GOD! Scotty Whatbody was just F5'd through the table! Why are you attacking Scotty?
Axl: You love watching videos. I suggest you go back to iMPLOSION 7. Scotty wants to ridicule me and my army? Then he has to pay the price.
Styles: Why don't you just make fun of him? Why did you have to attack him?
Axl: What can I say? George Bush is my hero. But you're in luck. Even though Pigeon was injured last time out in the Royal Flush Rumble at the hands of that old decrepit never-has-been Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, I've provided him for color commentating. He won't say "poink" too much. Hopefully. I don't think his brain was injured quite that much.
Pigeon: hur hur. wheee! duh, what dis?
Styles: That's Scotty Whatbody's injured body, Pigeon.
Pigeon: i used to rule the world
seas would rise when I gave the word
now in the morning I sleep alone
sweep the streets I used to own
i used to roll the dice
feel the fear in my enemies eyes
listen as the crowd would sing:
"now the old king is dead, long live the king!"
quoth the Pigeon, coldplay.
Styles: OK. Well, fans, we've got to get Scotty out of here, we'll be right back with The Great vs. Dr. Thrilla for the Swiss Army Belt!
Styles: Welcome back everyone, and this one started out quick during the break. Both men pounded away on each other and The Great nearly hit his finisher quick, but Thrilla was able to escape.
Pigeon: that's right, styles. dr. silaconne m. plants will pay. everyone dr. silaconne m. plants cares about will pay for what he did to me. his wife? dead. his family? dead. his pets? dead. the spiders in house? dead. his lawn? dead! his car battery? dead! i'll make him pay, along with the help of my Hierarchy brethren. how dare he smash a birdfeeder over my head. what about me? what about PIGEON!
Styles: Plants isn't married. I don't even think he owns a car. Why are you talking about Plants? Besides, I think he had enough trauma this evening.
Pigeon: not from me.
Styles: Can we please focus on Dr. Thrilla and the Great.
Pigeon: fine. anybody who works for BOB is an idiot, thrilla and the great included. i just do what the boss wants.
Styles: You mean Axl?
Pigeon: i mean the boss.
Styles: Big slam by Dr. Thrilla on The Great. Thrilla quickly drags up the Great and whips him to the ropes. Big boot sends The Great right back down. How has The Great adapted to BOB in your opinion, Pigeon?
Pigeon: like a pig to crap styles.
Styles: Guess that makes sense. Thrilla drops an elbow. Now Thrilla focusing his brutal offense on The Great's midsection, no doubt getting ready for his finisher, Exploratory Surgery.
Pigeon: winning is overrated. the only time it's really important is in surgery and war.
Styles: No wonder Thrilla and the Bush administration got sued so often. The Great is trying to fight back and get some momentum. And The Great is now rocking Thrilla with rights. The Great off the ropes, but right into another big Thrilla boot. Since you are here, Pigeon, what's the deal with this "superior power" we've been hearing so much about?
Pigeon: i'd tell you, but I'd have to kill you. wait, that sounds like a win-win to me. The Superior Power is--
Styles: Never mind. I don't want to know now. Thrilla's got The Great up! This could be in. Exploratory Surgery! No! Great escape by The Great. And The Great with a hard clothesline takes Thrilla down. Great Figure Eight time! He's got it locked in. Will Thrilla tap out?
Pigeon: does this look like ringworm to you?
Styles: Get away from me! I don't want ringworm! Thrilla desperately crawling toward the ropes. Will he make it? He's just inches away! He got the bottom rope. And The Great breaks the hold. Now The Great waiting on Thrilla to get up. Kick. Twist of Great! Thrilla with a nice reversal into a back suplex. Cover! One, two and no! The Great gets his foot on the bottom rope! What a match, Pigeon.
Pigeon: what a match? what about a PIGEON match?
Styles: You weren't booked. Thrilla's heading to the floor? He just grabbed his scalpel. Oh no! I don't think there's any DQ in this one because there MUST be a winner! Ooooooh! The Great just kicked the middle rope as Thrilla was climbing in.
Pigeon: his nads were just caught between a cock and hard place.
Styles: TWIST OF GREAT! COVER! ONE! TWO! THREE! HEGOTHIM!
Pigeon: man, this we should change the name of this title from swiss army belt to michelle belt since it's getting passed around like such a whore lately.
Styles: Where the hell did THAT come from?
XM: herz ur weinr n nu sess rmy chqmp!! ehte graaaatt!
Styles: The Great just brought home his first title in what some might call an upset, but not me. What a victory. And The Great goes on to the final four at UnFOURgiven, joining Trey Vincent and Mr. Paradox for the chance to become the Grand Slam champion. Fans, we've got one match left tonight, and it's gonna be HUGE. Steve Studnuts. Sarah "The Jobber Slayer." The first-time ever meeting and it's for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. And it's next!
[In a hallway, Mike Monroe was standing by.]
MM: Steve Studnuts, you're about--
SS: *BEEP* off you *BEEP*in' BEEP* No autographs, jerkweed.
[Studnuts keeps walking right by Monroe.]
MM: Um. Back to you?
Trey Vincent: What the hell is this *BEEP*? Seth Harker's doing ring announcing? Did we go through a worm hole back to 2002?
Styles: As you can hear, I'm being joined by BOB's Vice President in Charge of Everything, Trey Vincent, who earlier tonight, along with his new partner Mr. Paradox, moved onto the finals of the Grand Slam tournament.
TV: I am such a genius, Styles. Stephen Hawking even offered to give me his wheelchair as a sign of respect, I'm so damn smart.
Seth Harker: Ladies and gentlemen, the following match is your main event, and is for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.
["Dead Between the Walls" by Pelican plays. The crowd erupts in a mix of cheers and boos and, of course, apathy.]
Seth Harker: Introducing first, the challenger. He weighs in tonight at 262 and 7/8th's pounds. He hails from Phoenix, Arizona and is a member of the incurable Apathy disorder. Steve Studnuts!
Styles: This night's been so chaotic, I haven't even had time to discuss the situation between you and Sarah in detail this week. You broke up with her because she wouldn't do a three-way?
TV: What can I say? I like my hot Asian sluts. I hadn't had any Japanese for a while. I had a craving for some sushi. She wanted something, that being the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, she got it. But if she wanted to keep it, she would've done the right thing.
Styles: You are sick, Trey.
Styles: Pigeon had ringworm. I'm sure you've caught it by now since you're sharing the same headset.
Styles: What about Studnuts? Have you two made up? And what about Connie Lingus?
TV: Connie's sweet. And I'm sure she'd never betray Steve Studnuts. But maybe, we can ask her. Connie? Come on out honey.
Styles: She's, here?
TV: Does the term fustercluck mean ANYTHING to you, Styles?
["Take it Off" by The Donnas plays. And the crowd pops huge as the lovely Connie Lingus bounces out from the back.
TV: Oh yeah, we've got fripples!
Styles: Is that why the AC's been so cold in here tonight? Just for this segment?
TV: Ratings, through the roof!
Styles: And Steve Studnuts can't believe this.
TV: Steve Studnuts isn't the only man who can make amateur sex tapes. You've heard of "America's Got Talent," right? Well, how does this grab you: "Trey's Got Taint"?
Styles: Can you say "taint" on G5?
Styles: Fans, I don't know. Whenever Trey gets out here, this whole show just becomes pure chaos.
TV: Hi, Connie.
Seth Harker: And his opponent…
["Chinese Burn" by Curve plays. The crowd erupts in mostly boos.]
Seth Harker: She is from Clouydale, Connecticut, and weighs in tonight at 99 and 99/100th's pounds, the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer."
Connie Lingus: Hey, Trey. It's sooo nice of you to invite me out. Steve never takes me anywhere anymore. It seems like all I do is live in his gigantic mansion. You gonna show me your gigantic mansion later tonight, Trey?
TV: (Nervous) Ahahahahumhum.
Styles: His studio apartment?
TV: Shut up, Styles!
CL: Doesn't matter either way. I just want to party. Do these look real to you, Trey?
TV: Maybe you better let me feel them to make sure. Stand up for a second, honey.
Styles: Oh my GOD! Studnuts is gonna get you, Trey. You can't even show this on G5! Trey has gone right to Playboy channel territory. What is the deal? You're trying to piss off both Sarah and Studnuts?
TV: God sent me to piss the world off.
Styles: Sarah tried to get the jump on Studnuts, but it looks like, will you get out of my way, Trey? This is disgusting!
TV: You feel pretty real to me, honey. Let me just keep checking.
Styles: Trey! I can't see the match!
TV: The fans can see what's going on, don't worry. My words are far more entertaining.
Styles: Sarah just got steam-rolled by a Studnuts shoulder block. And now Studnuts and Vincent with an icy staredown.
TV: Hey Connie. (Rapping) Throw your legs in the air, and spread 'em like you just don't care.
Styles: Sarah with a clothesline that surprised Studnuts and takes him down. Sarah pounding away on Studnuts in the corner and now she's putting the boots to him. Studnuts whipped to the opposite corner. And Studnuts eats an elbow. Studnuts is down! Cover! One! Two! No! Studnuts easily kicks out.
TV: Hey, Connie. I got you a present. Check this out.
CL: Wow, a T-shirt? "I'm With A Smart Guy With A Huge *BEEP* Who Can *BEEP* Me Harder and Longer Than Steve Studnuts On His Best Day." Aww, that's so sweet. I love the font. What is that?
TV: Magic marker. Money's tight. Recession and all.
Styles: Sarah unloading with more punches in the corner on Studnuts. Studnuts takes her down with a hard kick to the midsection. Sarah's back up! 360 discus kick and Studnuts—
TV: You *BEEP*ed up! You *BEEP*ed up! That didn't even come close to connecting. Sports entertainment is SO fake. But those juggies sure aren't. Can I play motorboat with you, Connie?
CL: Whatever you want, Trey.
Styles: Please! Focus, Trey.
TV: On what?
Styles: The match!
TV: Oh, look. Main event spinebuster~! And Sarah's in a very familiar position. Flat on her back.
Styles: What exactly did she do wrong, Trey?
TV: I brought Sarah back. I got her into that match against Death at Totally Dead. I helped her win the title. I helped her get through this far in the tournament. And what do I get? Aside from some very hot rough sex, not a damn thing. She's too good to make me dinner? To do my laundry? To wash my car?
Styles: Get a maid!
TV: That's what I thought I was getting! She's a pig! If she didn't have a vagina, I'd swear she was a man. I've already got one slob living in my apartment, me! I don't need another. Connie, will you do my laundry?
CL: I'll do you on top of the washer as I'm doing your laundry.
TV: Well, we better do it late at night, then. There's only one room in my apartment building that has washers and dryers. Bring the coins.
Styles: Studnuts now brutalizing Sarah. Gorilla press slam on Sarah. Cover. One, two and no. Sarah is still in this one. But just barely. I don't think she's ever met anyone with the physique of Steve Studnuts.
Styles: What, did you wrestle her?
TV: Yes. I think so. Look, Styles. I lusted after Sarah. But then I banged her. End lust. Now I'm free to lust after Connie or any other XX Division chick, or any chick I meet anywhere. I'm a free bird.
Styles: Trey "B.S." Vincent everyone. Studnuts drops a knee right into her chest. Another cover. One, two, and no! Sarah once again kicks out. Studnuts dragging up Sarah. Abdominal stretch coming up. And now he grabs Sarah's leg.
TV: The abdominal vaginal stretch?
CL: Steve does that to me all the time. Usually we're naked, though. I especially love the part where he plays with my clit--
TV: Lovely, Connie.
Styles: Wait a minute, how is that even possible? How many hands to he have?
CL: Just two. We're both VERY flexible.
TV: Hey! Focus. Steve's a douche. He treated you like crap. I'm gonna treat you right.
CL: I dunno, Trey. You've got a small apartment. Make me cheap gifts.
TV: I had a rough divorce. Bitch.
CL: Hehe, I'm just teasing, relax. Steve was good. But that's so over. Though that abdominal vaginal stretch was amazing.
TV: I'll stretch your vagina…
Styles: Please! You're making our viewers sick! And probably bordering on getting us fined by the FCC. Studnuts using the ropes now to get some more leverage.
TV: Studnuts is a cheater. If he would grab a rope, no doubt he'd grab the nearest young blonde thing, Connie.
CL: I know the way he's been looking at that Jerri Li whore! I wanna just rip all those nose rings and lip rings out and shove them up her ass!
TV: She's probably enjoy that, actually.
Styles: Sarah's fighting back. Repeated elbows break her free of the submission move. Studnuts with a whip and Sarah crashes hard into the turnbuckles. Studnuts drags her up again. And into the opposite corner. Sarah can't even get up. Studnuts covers her with one boot. One. Two. Sarah gets a shoulder up, but just barely.
TV: Hi Studs.
Styles: Are you trying to piss him off?
TV: Connie, can you go find me a steel chair?
CL: Sure. Brb.
Styles: A steel chair? What do you need with a steel chair?
TV: How are you allowed to wear glasses and be that dumb? Obviously, I'm going to hit somebody in the head with it. What other purpose to chairs have?
Styles: For sitting on?
TV: Besides that!
Styles: Sarah trying to get back into this one. She's kicking at Studnuts. Clothesline! Rights. And lefts. She's rocking Studnuts, and the crowd is hating it. But not me. Go, Sarah, go! Oh! Belly to belly overhead suplex ends that comeback. And it may end the match! One! Two! ThreeNO! Sarah once again escaped.
[Studnuts flips off Trey.]
TV: He just called me number one! Or he wants to *BEEP* me. I'll assume it's the first thing.
Styles: Don't you feel anything as you see Studnuts now dropping your ex-girlfriend with punches?
TV: Yeah. I feel my crotch. My free, free, crotch. Ah, the good life.
Styles: Sarah once again trying to get back into this match, once again unloading with punches. HOODANCONRANA takes Studnuts down! Another one! NO!
TV: BWAHAHAHAHA! That was great!
Styles: Powerbomb by Studnuts! Oh my GOD! What an impact!
TV: Thanks, Connie. Well, Styles. It's been fun, but we're into the last minute of the show, and you know what the means…run-in! Spoiler alert: somebody's about to get their head bashed in. And their first name starts with an S!
[Sounds of a headset falling.]
Styles: Vincent's in the ring behind Studnuts! And Studnuts knew it! Trey's been caught.
CL: But Sarah's getting up behind Studnuts!
Styles: It was a trap all along! Sarah and Trey are in this together? I don't believe it! Low blow by Sarah! Studnuts is wide open for a chairshot! Trey just tossed Sarah the chair!
CL: Hey, some fan just ran in the ring. And he's a bloody mess!
Styles: That's not a fan! It's SMP! Silaconne M. Plants just hit the ring. NIPPLE CUTTER on Trey! And listen to that crowd boo! Wait! Studnuts is up? How did he recover so quickly from that ball shot?
Styles: You SONOFABITCH! Studnuts just blasted Sarah with the chair! A bloody SMP is pummeling Trey on the floor now. Death Valley (of the Sun) Driver! Studnuts with the cover! NO! NOO! NOOO!
CL: Studnuts just won the title? *BEEP* Trey! Yay, Steve!
[Steve digs into his shorts and pulls out a cup and throws it in Sarah's face! Connie rolls into the ring and hugs her man?]
Seth: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner, and NEW ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, Steve Studnuts!
Styles: Fans, I'm completely confused now. How did Studnuts know Trey and Sarah's plan? DID he know their plan or has he just watched enough wrestling to finally figure out the counter to low blows? Why didn't Seth Harker get involved? Are Trey and Sarah really even broken up? And what's up with Connie? Was Connie playing Trey? Fans, there are a TON of questions that need to be answered, probably even more that I can think of right now. But what's for sure right now. Trey Vincent will be in the finals. Steve Studnuts will be in the finals. The Great will be in the finals. And Mr. Paradox will be in the finals at UnFOURgiven. Steve Studnuts is your new ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS!
Caption: ©2008 BOB Wrestling!
Styles: We'll see you next week for the final iMPLOSION before UnFOURgiven, exclusively on BOB-On-Demand! Good night everybody!