Tornado Thursday Night 5/19/99
[Camera pans the interior of The Dome located in Somecity in the great state of <-Name Withheld->. We focus in on our commentators "Sellout" Sammy Smith and Scotty Whatbody.]
SSS: Welcome fans to the latest edition of Tornado Thursday Night. We've got nice weather under The Dome tonight, to go with a great card. But I don't think anything can stack up to the great action we saw last Thursday. There was even a death on national TV!!
SW: Yeah, but nobody saw it. After all, we ARE on the WB network.
SW: Yeah right. That sick bastard of a BOSS only watches it for the fine, um, acting ability of that superb actress Nikki Cox.
SSS: You better watch what you say. He IS The BOSS, ya know. He signs your paychecks.
SW: I'll be good.
SSS: Alright then. Let's get to the opening match of the evening. Bubba, take it away.
Bubba: Ladies and gentlemen, our first contest is set for one fall with a ten minute time limit. Introducing first, already in the ring, here is BIG HEAD RALPH!!!
[Big Head bows to the crowd and winds up toppling over. SuperRef helps him back to his feet.]
Bubba: And his opponent...making his debut here in the Whatever Wrestling Federation, here is THE EXTREME JOCK!!!
["We Will Rock You" plays over the house speakers as The Extreme Jock roars down to the ring on a moped. The crowd gives him a decent size debut pop. He circles the ring and leaps off the moped onto the apron. He hops over the top rope and into the ring.]
SSS: Well, Scotty, this is going to be our first look at The Extreme Jock here. What do you think about this matchup?
SW: I am pretty sure that he is gonna kick Ralph's ass.
SSS: That's it?
SW: Yep. Pretty much.
SSS: Alrighty then....here we go. And Ralph rushes right at The Extreme Jock. And the Jock meets him with an armdrag takedown into an armbar. Ralph stands up and The Jock begins wringing Ralph's arm. That's gotta hurt.
SW: I expected The Extreme Jock to start off a little faster than this. What with his ring entrance and everything...I figued he'd be a high flyer.
SSS: Well, we DID just get started. Now The Jock with a pickup into a bodyslam. And he drops a knee across the throat of Ralph. He's got Ralph in trouble.
SW: I toldja he'd kick his ass.
SSS: Now he's got him around the waist and connects with a German suplex...followed by another..AND ANOTHER!!! Into a bridge.. 1....2.....KICKOUT!!! He almost had him.
SW: Yeah, but its just like what the monkey said when he got his tail cut off....it won't be long now.
SSS: How......interesting. And now he slaps the Crash 'n Burn on Ralph. And he's tapping out. This one is over.
SW: Told ya.
Bubba: Here is your winner as a result of submission....THE EXTREME JOCK!!!
SSS: We're gonna hafta get some medical attention in here for Big Head Ralph. It looks like The Jock hurt his neck pretty bad with that finsher.
SW: I told you that The Extreme Jock would kick his ass!! Toldja toldja toldja!!!
SSS: Yeah, okay okay...you told us. Its not like it wasn't a foregone conclusion anyway. Let's just go to Bubba for the next match.
Bubba: Our next contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, accompanied to the ring by The Guy and The Managing Guy, here is THE DUDE!!
[The Dude comes to the ring accompanied by The Guy and The Managing Guy.]
Bubba: And his opponent..KILLER POOCH!!!
[Killer Pooch walks out to the ring with a spiked collar around his neck and a bone in his mouth.]
SSS: This should be interesting. They lock up and Killer Pooch takes a piledriver right off the bat.
SW: If KP doesn't watch out, he will end up like Atom Bomb. I wouldn't mind another death though...
SSS: SCOTTY!! This is family programming. Now an eye gouge by The Dude. Boot to the gut followed by the Dude's Rage!!! 1..2..3!!! He got him. Its over.
SW: No its not. Who's that waddlin, er, running to the ring?
SSS: I don't know, but he's wearing BirdBoy's trunks and wings...although the trunks don't fit very well. He looks more like a plumber to me.
SW: He doesn't look like Dusty Rhodes to me.
SSS: No, you moron. Dusty Rhodes was the SON of a plumber. And he looks like the Green Mosheen to me.
SW: No, I'm pretty sure that's BirdBoy. I heard him talkin' about it in the locker room.
SSS: Oh my!! He just waffled The Dude with a chair. And now he's waddling off really fast.
SW: Wow! What a shot!! They heard that one two blocks over.
SSS: Sure enough. Well, while we're waiting for them to help The Dude out, we have a special interview.
[The theme from the Domino Rally commercials begins to play over the speakers. The crowd immediately begins booing as The Domino makes his way to the ring. As he climbs into the ring, he steps over The Dude's lifeless body as they roll him under the bottom rope. The Domino begins to speak.]
The Domino: Alright, shut up all you fat, out of shape, beer swilling losers. I'm fed up with each and every one of you. I come out here and bust my butt for you and you boo me. I try to give you nice t-shirts and ballcaps and shot glasses, but you just throw them back at me. Well, I'm sick of it. If you can't appreciate me and my talents, then you can all just go to hell. I don't need you to cheer for me. I can kick ass and take names on my own. Now, I have a match at On Time against some loser known as B.F. Sack.
[Crowd gives HUGE pop. They begin chanting, "We want Sack. We want Sack." The Domino reaches down in his trousers and pulls out a lead pipe.]
Domino: I'll give you some Sack. You want to see what I think of your precious B.F. Sack? Get a camera to the back. NOW!!
[Camera cuts to a dressing room in the back. B.F. Sack is lying face down on the floor. He has apparently been attacked with a lead pipe, although, mysteriously enough, there are no marks on his cranium or back to indicate such an attack. Several other wrestlers such as BirdBoy and El Gigolante are trying to revive the former champ.]
Domino: So what do you think of your hero now? He isn't so tough when he gets hit with a pipe. And its gonna be that much worse at the ppv. I'm gonna make you feel the wrath of the Domino Rally. And there ain't a damn thing you can do about it. Now hit my music.
[The theme to the Domino Rally commercials plays as The Domino leaves the ring. Several fans taunt and yell at him. He just spits at them.]
SSS: Wow! Strong words from The Domino. But he will have a tall order at On Time...especially after that little attack.
SW: Tell me about it. I don't particularly care for Sack, but even I hafta admit that he is one of the most superb technical wrestlers around, and he can really hurt ya if he wants to.
SSS: Well, in light of the recent events, lets go back to Bubba for out next match.
Bubba: Our next match is set for one fall. Introducing first, already in the ring, THE GARBAGE COLLECTORS!!
Bubba: And their opponents, THE FUMBUCKERS!!!
[The Fumbuckers mince their way to the ring and climb through the ropes.]
SSS: This one should be a dandy. It will be Leon and Trashcan Man starting this one out. And Leon has a pink hanky waving it at TC Man. And he charges Leon like an enraged bull. He spears Leon out of his boots. Now he's on top of him beating the daylights out of him.
SW: Hm, I'll bet that isn't the first time that Leon has been on the bottom.
SSS: You're sick. You do know that, right?
SW: I try.
SSS: Now TC Man sets Leon on the top turnbuckle. Looks like he's gonna go for a ten punch, but Leon won't have any of it. He gives Trashy a few kicks to the ribs and nails him with a tornado DDT!! He goes for the cover. 1....2....kickout by Trashcan Man! And Leon tags in Diontray.
SW: Ya know, I heard that Diontray used to be a White House intern.
SSS: Shut up Scotty. Now Diontray has Trashy in an abdominal stretch. And he's holding Leon's hand for leverage.
SW: You sure it isn't just a public display of affection?
SSS: That's enough Scotty. And TC Man hiptosses out of it and makes the tag to Compactor Bill who runs right into a lariat from Diontray. Now Leon and Diontray are both in the ring beating the snot out of Bill.
SW: I'll bet both of the Fumbuckers are really enjoying this.
SSS: And Trashcan Man runs in to help his partner, but the Fumbuckers catch him and tie him up in the ropes.
SW: OH GOD NO!!!! Trashy is in such a vulnerable position now. That isn't good at all.
SSS: What's this? Diontray picks Bill up into a gorilla press and Leon is climbing the turnbuckle. ITS THE HOMOHAMMER!!!! The cover by Diontray. 1...2....3!!!
Bubba: Here are your winners...THE FUMBUCKERS!!!!
[Leon plants a big wet kiss right on the lips of Compactor Bill and on their way to the back, they both smack Trashcan Man on the ass while he is still tied in the ropes.]
SW: Yech! I'm glad I don't wrestle any more. I'd hate to hafta lock up with those guys. As much as I hate to admit it...they ARE a good tag team. They will definitely be in contention for those tag straps.
SSS: Yeah, you're right. The Anthropomovers are definitely gonna hafta watch their backs now that the Fumbuckers are here. Pun intended. But I digress. Let's go to Bubba for our next bout.
Bubba: Ladies and gentlemen, our next match is set for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. He stands 6'5" and weighs in at 275 pounds, here is MIKE "THE HAMMER" COLLINS!!!
["The Hammer" walks out to the bottom of the ramp with a cup of steaming coffee in his hands. He inhales the steam into his mouth and blows it out through his nose very intimidatingly. Then, he spills a little on his chest and screams like a weenie.]
Bubba: And his opponent. At 6'9" and wighing in at 303 pounds..here is THE DOMINO!!
[The theme to the Domino Rally commercials plays as The Domino walks to the ring. He insults the fans and makes lewd gestures at them. He is wearing a shirt that says, "The Bookerman is a dirty bastard."]
SSS: Well, I for one, hope that Mike Collins makes The Domino pay dearly for having the audacity to wear that shirt to the ring.
SW: Why? Its just the truth.
SSS: Scotty, how dare you? I can't believe this. Let's just get to the action. They lock up and Collins takes control with a top wristlock, and he's really bearing down on the Domino.
SW: He really has it locked in tight. Look at the pain on The Domino's face. C'mon Domino. You can take 'im.
SSS: He lets go of the hold and moves into a Russian legsweep followed by a reverse chinlock.
SW: This Collins guy is kinda impressive. He's had control throughout the whole match.
SSS: The Domino is trying to get to his feet...he does! And he drops Collins in a jawbreaker. Bodyslam by The Domino. He bounces off the ropes and connects with an elbow smash. He sets Collins on the top turnbuckle. He's going for a superplex. But Collins pushes him off. "The Hammer" sizes him up and connects with a frog splash!!!! The cover. 1...2.....NO!!! The Domino kicks out!
SW: Mike Collins lookin' good here against The Domino. Uh oh! Who's that comin' from the back?
SSS: That's "Cold Stone" Steve Roberts. What's he doing out here?
SW: I don't know, but he sure does have The Hammer's attention.
SSS: And that may be a mistake because The Domino is back on his feet. And he bounces off the ropes and connects with the Domino Rally!!!! He goes for the cover. 1....2......3!!!! That's it.
Bubba: Here is your winner...THE DOMINO!!
SW: The Domino has left, but Roberts is beating the crap out of Mike Collins with a chair. He may have injured The Hammer.
SSS: "Cold Stone" has left now, but the paramedics are helping Collins out of the ring and to the back. What a tragic chain of events. I'm sure Mike Collins will have something to say about this. Well, lets go to the ring for our main event.
Bubba: Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for the main event of the evening. It will be a three way dance for the WWF tag team championship. Introducing first, from Silicon Valley, here is COMPUTER VIRUS!!
[The Pentium sound cue is played over and over as Ian and Justin walk to the ring.]
Bubba: One of their opponents, weighing in at a total combined weight of 351 pounds, here are Mike and Tim, THE PISSED TEENS!!!
["Fight For Your Right (To Party)" by the Beastie Boys plays as The Pissed Teens stumble out to the ring. Mike is wearing a Guns -N- Roses t-shirt while Tim is wearing a KISS t-shirt. They roll under the bottom rope into the ring.]
Bubba: And their opponents. They are the current Whatever Wrestling Federation Tag Team Champions of the Woooooooooooooooorld, Pretty Fly and Disco Beaver, THE ANTHROPOMOVERS!!
["Tryin' to Stay Alive" by Wyclef Jean plays as Pretty Fly and Disco Beaver strut their stuff to the squared circle. They take off their belts and hand them to SuperRef.]
Bubba: Before we get started, I was asked by The BOSS to remind everyone that this is a three way DANCE. Each team will dance to their theme music, and we will determine by crowd reaction who the champions are.
SSS: Wow! I thought it was a triangle match. And look at The Pissed Teens and Computer Virus. They aren't all too happy with this turn of events.
SW: Well, you can't blame them. I'd be ticked too.
SSS: Well, it looks like Computer Virus will be the first to go. Here comes their music.
[The Pentium sound cue plays and Ian and Justin begin to disco to the best of their abilities to the beat. The crowd laughs in unison at their feeble attempt to dance.]
SW: What a joke! But this isn't fair. They don't have dancin' music.
SSS: Good point Scotty. Now it looks to be the Pissed Teens' turn.
["Fight for Your Right (to Party)" plays and The Pissed Teens begin doing moves which look like the equivalent of an epileptic seizure on the mat. The crowd is silent. Apparently they think that there is something physically wrong with the Teens. They get up off the mat and look, well, pissed.]
SW: Well, didn't that suck?
SSS: Um, yeah. I guess its the Anthropomovers turn. I got a feelin' they are gonna win. After all, they ARE the dancinest tag team in the WWF.
["Tryin' To Stay Alive" plays and The Anthropomovers get down with their bad selves. Pretty Fly begins breakdancing while Disco Beaver does his best Saturday Night Fever impression. The crowd gives them a huge pop. They begin chanting their names.]
Bubba: Here are your winners of the three way dance..THE ANTHROPOMOVERS!!!
SSS: I don't think that's gonna sit well with the Teens. Mike just nailed Disco Beaver with a chair from behind. And they're pounding the Anthropomovers mercilessly. Now they're turning on Computer Virus and cleaning their clocks.
SW: Gee, they really ARE pissed.
SSS: Now they're really concentrating their attack on Disco Beaver. They are gonna put him out for a while. They're pouding away at his left knee. THE CARNAGE!!
SW: Ewww, what are they doing with the belts?
SSS: Ugggghhh!! They are wiping their butts with them. And now they're leaving with the titles. What a travesty.
SW: I'm sure nobody else will want them now.
SSS: Probably not. But I have a feeling that this might get settled at the pay per view. Wait, I'm being told that The BOSS has some words.
["Born in the USA" by Bruce Springsteen plays as The BOSS comes out to the entryway. ]
BOSS: Due to Disco Beaver's injury, I have no choice but to vacate the tag team titles at this time. And at On Time, Computer Virus will meet The Pissed Teens to settle once and for all who are the tag team champions of the world. Good night and have a safe drive home.
SS: Well, you heard it here folks. Computer Virus vs. The Pissed Teens at On Time for the straps. I guess the Teens will just hold on to them until then. Well, for Scotty Whatbody, this is "Sellout" Sammy Smith saying good night from The Dome.
© 2004 BOB Home Video!
1999 Whatever Wrestling Federation