Tornado Thursday Night 6/24/99
(Camera opens to the not so sold out Dome. A pan of the audience reveals several people yawning and a few zealots wearing On Time t-shirts. The cameras zoom to "Sellout" Sammy Smith and Scotty Whatbody.)
SSS: Welcome folks to this weeks edition of Tornado Thursday Night. We've got a, well, mediocre card for ya, with a couple of good matches thrown in. I am really looking forward to the main event tonight. BirdBoy finally gets his shot at glory as he faces off against the Masked Marauder in the Hamster Cage match.
SW: I can't believe they screwed the Mosheen out of what should rightfully be his. I hope he comes out and steals the belt. He deserves it ya know.
SSS: Well, I'm not going to argue with you, because it is hopeless. So lets just go to Bubba for the ring introductions for our first match.
Bubba: Our first event is set for one fall. Introducing first, from somewhere in the Orient, here is MISHIMOTO SAN!!!
(Heavy metal sounding Oriental music plays as Mishimoto San and Chef Shang Hi make their way to the ring. They stop to bow to the fans every ten feet or so. Finally, they make it to the ring.)
Bubba: And his opponent, standing 6'9" and weighing 303 lbs, here is THE DOMINO!!
(The theme to the Domino Rally commercials plays as The Domino makes his way to the ring to a colossal heel pop. He is wearing, as always, his "The Bookerman is a dirty bastard" t-shirt. He throws a couple of them into the crowd. A couple of people actually catch them and wear them.)
SSS: Well, we've got an established wrestler in The Domino taking on the newbie Mishimoto San. Should be a good test for the newbie.
SW: Don't ever count The Domino out, though. He always has something up his sleeve.
SSS: They lock up and a huge bodyslam by Mishimoto San. And a cover already? 1...Kickout by The Domino!
SW: He went for a cover way too early that time. Quick pins almost never work.
SSS: Now Mishimoto San with a big bearhug on The Domino and he's squeezing the life out of him.
SW: He's swinging him around like a rag doll. That has got to be humiliating.
SSS: And Mishimoto San tosses him into the corner and follows with an avalanche type maneuver. Now he picks him up and drops him with a gorilla press slam.
SW: I've never seen The Domino in this much trouble before. With all this work on his back, he may not be able to execute the Domino Rally.
SSS: Now a vicious Irish whip into the far turnbuckle crumples The Domino to his knees. And Mishimoto San is slowly walking over to him.
SW: He's getting ready to finish him off.
SSS: AWWWW!!!! And a big time low blow by The Domino sends Mishimoto San to the mat. He really felt that one. Now he picks him up for a scoop slam, but he back won't allow it and Mishimoto San falls on top of him. 1....2......NO!!! The Domino kicks out.
SW: The Domino just can't seem to get anything going here. But Mishimoto San is having a really great showing.
SS: Mishimoto San with a HUGE powerbomb.
SW: Um, a really well built guy wearing a white and blue mask just walked out to ringside and clobbered Chef Shang Hi.
SSS: Now, Mishimoto San executes the Overgrown Bomb. 1....2.....NO!!! The Masked Man just pulled the ref out of the ring and is arguing with him. He points into the crowd and as Supey looks on, he throws a tire tool to The Domino who whacks Mishimoto San with it.
SW: That guy looks familiar.
SSS: Supey is back in the ring as The Domino makes the pin. 1...2...3!!!
Bubba: Here is your winner...THE DOMINO!!!
(Mishimoto San and Chef Shang Hi leave ringside as The Masked Man climbs into the ring. The Domino has a surprised look on his face as if he wasn't expecting any help. They stand eye to eye, then The Masked Man turns and walks off. The Domino gives him an odd look and exits himself.)
SSS: What was that all about? I guess we'll find out soon enough.
SW: Honestly, I'm stunned. I like The Domino personally, but he's not too popular backstage, so I have no clue as to who would want to help him.
SSS: Nevertheless, let's go to Bubba for our second match.
Bubba: This next match is a special "Paddle" match, and is set for one strike. Introducing first, "Cold Stone" Steve Roberts!
("Cold Stone" walks out, ignoring the crowd. They ignore him back.)
Bubba: And his opponent, representing the Pink Corner, "Handsome" Hank Hawkins!
("Lola" by the Kinks plays as Hank skips, Mom following, with her Big Wooden Spoon TM. He blows a kiss at a particularly large man in the front row, who smiles at him, revealing all three teeth in his mouth. Even Hank declines that one.)
SSS: Well, this is a paddle match. The rules are simple.
SW: So is our audience, explain slowly.
SSS: Mon's Big Wooden Spoon TM, will be suspended on a pole, just above the far turnbuckle.. the match ends as soon as one combatent gets it and strikes his opponent's, um, backside.
SW; Sounds like Saturday Night at the Rebel Lounge to me.
SSS: It should. That's where Hank got the match idea.
SW: So THAT'S who that was, sure explains a lot.
SSS: Anyway, SupeRef rings the bell, and the wrestlers prepare to lock up. Hank is eager to lock up, but Roberts seems a bit tenative.
SW: I would to. You never know where he's going to try to lock up with you next.
SSS: Roberts finally does, and he forces Hank down.
SW: Not a first for him, I would assume.
SSS: That was awful Scotty, where do you come up with that stuff?
SW: I steal it.
SSS: Oh. Look at this! Hawkins is claiming that Robert's pulled his hair. SupeRef, of course, admonishes him. Roberts is a little mad.
SW: But while he's arguing, Hawkins sneaks toward the turnbuckle.
SSS: Roberts notices that and cuts him off with a stiff axhandle to the back. He workd Hank over a little, with viscious kicks, until he turns to aknowledge the crowd.
SW: They still don't care about him. I don't either.
SSS: Well, that gives Hawkins a chance to get back to his feet and clothesline Roberts out of his shoes.
SW: Literally, one size 12 just flew into the crowd. They care now, I bet.
SSS: Roberts starts to his feet, but Hawkins drops to his knees, and ends that with a viscious low blow.
SW: Hawkins is mad at himself, he mombles something about "damaged goods". Wonder what he means by that.
SSS: I don't, and I hope to never find out. Roberts is out of it for now. Hank climbs the turnbuckle, and grabs Mom's Big Wooden Spoon TM. He's after Roberts now!
SW: Roberts, after having this done to him before, is scared silly, he turns and rushes out of the ring. Mom, glares at him, and he pauses.
SSS: Just long enough for Hank to catch him and deliver the goods
SSS: There's the striking, and SupeRef rings the bell, this one's over.
Bubba: Here is your winner..."HANDSOME" HANK HAWKINS!!
SSS: And yet again, "Cold Stone" goes down to Hank.
SW: Don't you mean goes down on?
SSS: I can't believe you just said that. Frankly, you sicken me.
Bubba: Ladies and gents, our next bout is for the WWF YGBCIADT Title. Introducing first, THE EXTREME JOCK!!!
(The Jock does cartwheels out to the ring and leaps over the top rope.)
Bubba: And his opponent, he is the current WWF YGBCIADT Champion, here is THE DUDE!!!
(The Theme Music plays as The Dude makes his way to the ring.)
SSS: And they lock up. A snap suplex by The Jock has The Dude on his back. Now he is stomping away at the midsection of The Dude.
SW: A quick start by The Extreme Jock.
SSS: Indeed. Now a DDT by The Jock. 1....2...NO!! A kickout by The Dude. Now they are trading punches in the center of the ring. The Dude takes the advantage and clotheslines The Jock over the top rope. Now a suicide dive by The Dude!!!
SW: This is turning out to be pretty exciting. I think the Dude will drop the strap though. He is taking too many risks.
SSS: The Dude rolls The Extreme Jock back into the ring. And he devastates the neck of The Extreme Jock with a piledriver. And he follows it with a Brainbuster. Now he's signaling to the crowd. And they go crazy as he hits The Dude's Rage. 1....2....3!!! Its over.
SW: See, I told you that The Dude would retain the belt.
Bubba: Here is your winner and STILL WWF YGBCIADT Champion...THE DUDE!!!!
SSS: And The Dude retains his title in convincing fashion. Next, we have The Guy defend his NQGETBWC title against The Embalmed Guy. Let's go to the ring.
Bubba: Our next match is for the NQGETBWC title. Introducing first, the challenger, accompanied to the ring by Bag, here is THE EMBALMED GUY!!
(The Embalmed Guy makes his way out to the ring with his titanium walker in tow. It takes him a full fifteen minutes to get in the ring.)
Bubba: And the champion, here is THE GUY!!!
(Some other theme music plays as The Guy walks to the ring. He is totally focused on the old man in the ring.)
SSS: WOW!! The Guy jumps right in and starts wailing away at The Embalmed Guy. He picks him up and delivers a vicious brainbuster. And he follows it with a chokeslam. 1...2.....NO!! Embalmed Guy kicks out.
SW: Who would have thought an old man could kick out after so much punishment?
SSS: And The Guy kicks TEG in the gut, bounces off the ropes and executes the Famouser. 1...2......KICKOUT!!! WOW!
SW: Embalmed Guy must be on crack or something. Homeboy is damn near invincible.
SSS: Now The Guy picks him up and sends him through the mat with a huge powerbomb. And he throws him out of the ring to the floor.
SW: The Embalmed Guy is in serious trouble now. I don't know if he can't make it much longer.
SSS: The Guy follows him out to the floor. OH MY!!! The Embalmed Guy was playing possum and he just whacked The Guy with his titanium walker. He rolls The Guy back into the ring.
SW: Ewww, why is he reaching into his bag and pulling out a pancreas?
SSS: So he can apply his Really Really Nasty Mandible Claw. And there it is. The Guy drops to his knees....and Supey is calling for the bell. We've got a new champ!!
Bubba: Here is your winner, and NEW WWF NQGETBWC Champion...THE EMBALMED GUY!!!
SSS: Wow! What a turn of events. The Embalmed Guy came back and snatched victory from the jaws of defeat.
SW: Don't you mean The Guy snatched defeat from the jaws of victory?
SSS: Let's just go to our tag title match.
Bubba: Our next match is for the WWF Tag titles. Introducing first, the team of Roy D. Rage and a mystery partner!
(The insrumental version of "Thunderstruck" plays, but nobody ever comes out.)
Bubba: Um...okay. Let's try it this way. Introducing our tag champions, THE PISSED TEENS!!!
("Fight for your Right (to Party)" by The Beastie Boys plays. Ironically, The Pissed Teens never come out from behind the curtain either. A quick camera pan to the back shows Rage, a masked man who is apparently his partner, and The Pissed Teens all lying in a heap. They have evidently all been attacked.)
SSS: Well, I guess we won't have a match for the tag titles tonight, so I guess we'll just go to the main event. Our next match is the hampster wheel match between Birdboy and the Masked Marauder. Right now, our ring attendents are setting the hampster cage up, and taking the ring down.
(Camera shifts to where the ring once was, it is now gone, and is slowly being replaced by a large hampster cage, complete with wheel.. okay, so it's just the wheel with a generic cage around it.. Pigeon is assisting Kindike Mutabwe, the Cliq, and a man that looks eerily familiar... yup, that he does, big belly with a Pigeon's Personal Security half shirt on it, bad head and three teeth.... naw, it couldn't be)
Man: Why couldn't he have just signed the contract? I could've been a star! Why, Chris, why?
(Fade back to "Sellout" Sammy Smith and Scotty Whatbody in the booth.)
SSS: Well, I'm going to explain these rules too.. The first man to get the pin wins.. it is in an enclosed cage with nobody let in. Even SupeRef will make the three count from the outside. Now, who do you think will win, Scotty?
SW: As if... the Mosheen will win.
SSS: But he's not wrestling.
SW: So, I don't like Birdboy, he took the YGBCIADT title, and well, the Marauder makes me feel all icky inside.
SW: Yes! It's a word.. look it up.
SSS: Oooooook let's just go to the intros, shall we?
SW: You can, I'm staying here.
Bubba: This next match is out main event, and also a hampster wheel match for the WWF Heavyweight title. Introducing first, the challenger, a former YGBCIADT champ, and number one contender for the number two belt.... Birdboy!
(Taking a page from the spectacular entrance book, "Fly Away" by Lenny Kravitz (wow! not Bird's the Word?) plays, as the lights dim. Pigeon apologizes and cuts them back on, just in time to see a speck at the top of the Dome... and then see Birdboy walk out down the ramp. (not even WE would do that.... not yet anyways) The crowd is cheering, since he's a face... yet he's facing an even bigger face in the MM... hmmm.)
Bubba: And his oponnent, the current WWF champ, and a legend in the sport, the Masked Marauder!
("Real American" (When it comes crashin down and it hurts inside....) plays as the Masked one makes his way, ever so slowly, to the cage. He stops halfway there, pulling an extra mask off of his head, giving it to a kid at ringside.... The kid promply sells it and buys some crack. At least he didn't pop a cap in somebody's ass)
SSS: And here we go, the cage is locked and the match has started. The two men circle each other on the wheel.
SW: They're moving, yet they don't go anywhere...
SSS: That's true Scotty, this IS a hampster wheel match, sheesh, you act like you've never seen one before.
SW: Well, down at the Dew Drop Inn one time... damned but that Helga chick was quick, you would figure at 500 pounds that Jarry Lee could get awy, but no!!
SSS: Stop it Scotty, you're rambling.
SW: Really? Well, my shrink calls it therapy.
SSS: The two men lock up, and the Marauder back Birdboy up...
SW: Well, Birdboy walks backwards, but he don't really back up.
SSS: Of course... Birdboy is running backwards now.. still not moving. Finally they break the tie up, and the Marauder levels him with a lariat.
SW: The Mosheen would have already beaten them both.
SSS: I'm ignoring you Scotty. The Mosheen drops an elbow on the fallen bird, following it up with a cover. 1..2..
SW: He kicks out. The Marauder can't beat anybody.
SSS: Both men up to their feet. Birdboy looking for a way to throw the larger Marauder offbalance. He grabs one of the bars of the wheel. Marauder runs after him.
SW: Birdboy is still holding on! He's actually riding the wheel!
SSS: Birdboy drops on top of the Marauder in a cross body block. 1..2.. kickout by the champ.
SW: Yes! We have company.
SSS: It's the Mosheen. Why is he here? He has issues with both the Marauder and Birdboy. And what is that with him?
SW: That's two of his pet lobsters, Andy and Vicky. And he's gonna get 'em I tells ya!
SSS: He reaches the cage, not able to fit through.
SW: But the lobsters are!
SSS: Vicky and Andy are through the bars. They are chasing both Birdboy and the Mosheen! With the added weight, Birdboy is aboe to carry his smaller frame faster than the wheel! He springs off of the wheel, executing a fly away on the Marauder!
SW: No! He squished Vicky! Go! Get away Mosheen, take Andy and run!
SSS: He does, and Birdboy follows with the cover. 1..2.......3!!!!! We have a new champion! Birdboy has finally done it! Watch out WWF, Birdboy is YOUR World Champ!
(Scene fades to a "She's the Sheriff" repeat)
© 2004 BOB Home Video!
1999 Whatever Wrestling Federation