Tornado Thursday Night 7/15/99
NOW WITH EXTRA FIBRE
SSS: WELCOME everybody to the TTN you thought you'd never see! I'm "Sellout" Sammy Smith, and along with me as usual, Scotty Whatbody!
SW: What the hell is this, Sammy? I thought we had the week off?
SSS: Well, yes, but with the Boss on.. *ahem*.. a business trip...
(We cut to the Boss, who's sitting on a tropical island, sipping a drink from a coconut shell.)
SSS:...I thought, what the heck! I can book a card just as well as he can! So let's get ready for a spectacular night of sports entertainment! Culminating in my all-time favourite! The "Every-man-for-himself-over-the-top-rope-Battle-Royal"! With the winner getting a trip to Paris, a set of steak knives, and a title shot at the Tornado Thursday Night following Barnyard Blitzkrieg!
SW: Oh, are you going to be in Soooo much trouble when the Boss gets back..
SSS: I'll ignore that. Let's go straight to Bubba for our opening bout!
Bubba: This is a triangle elimination match, scheduled for two falls! Introducing first, weighing 230 pounds.. BIG HEAD RALPH!
(Ralph waddles down to the ring, a tiny Sabres cap perched on his mammoth melon.)
Bubba: Secondly, weighing 275 pounds.. PIGEON!
SW: Brilliant. Two jobbers in the ring already. What are you doing, pulling names from a hat?
SSS: Shhh.. you want the STWF to sue us?
(Rustling paper is heard from under the announce table.)
SSS: Here you go, Bubba.
Bubba: And finally.. representing Club Med..from Brown Summit, North Carolina.. BARRY "THE BACKBOARD" BROWN!
SW: So, two jobbers and half a tag team.. way to book 'em, Sammy...
(The Theme from ER plays as Barry runs down to the ring, still pulling on his tights.)
Barry: Jeez, thanks for the warning, guys!
SSS: Well, all three men in the ring now.. SupeRef checks the boots.. and the
SSS: ...and this one is under way! Both Ralph and Barry turn on Pigeon straight away! They're both chopping away in perfect syncronicity! They whip him to the ropes for a double elbow! Great teamwork from these two, which is odd, seeing as this is a randomly-booked match... Oh, that's better.. big headbutt from Ralph sends Barry reeling! Pigeon crawls to a corner as Ralph and Barry lock up!
SW: Good tatics from Pigeon. Barry gets slammed by Ralph.. falling headbutt! That's gotta smart.
SSS: Well, with a noggin that big, I'd tend to agree! But Ralph is having trouble regaining his feet after that move.. Barry lets him get to his knees.. oh! Big sweep kick to the forehead sends him down again! And a chop to Pigeon who was trying to look inconspicuous in the corner. Inverted atomic drop has Pigeon writhing in pain! Barry clotheslines him to the mat! Bounces off the ropes and gives a double-footed dropkick to Ralph!
SW: Barry's getting confident.. check out the little Ali Shuffle there! And he's reaching into his tights for something.. it looks like.. a pocket-sized version of "How YOU Can Become part of The Exciting World of Pro Wrestling!".
SSS: Damn, you've got good eyesight, Scotty! Barry checks out a diagram carefully.. sets himself up.. and.. TORNADO DDT on Ralph! Covers..1..2..3! Ralph is out of here! And Barry is jubilant! He leaps onto a turnbuckle and is showboating like there's no tomorrow!
SW: Pigeon is still in this one however.. he takes the opportunity to pluck Barry off the turnbuckle and deliver a Pigeons Edge! Cover..1..2.. NO! Kickout by Barry!
SSS: Could Pigeon pull off a stunning upset and win this one?
SW: You tell me, you're booking 'em..
SSS: Retorical question Scotty..
SW: A what?
SSS: That means I didn't want an answer.. Understand?
SW: Sorry, I thought that was a retorical question.
SSS: Getting back to the match now.. Barry appears to be in control.. somehow.. Can we get a replay of how he did it? No? Oh well, cest la vie..
SW: Say la what? Whoa! Big head-to-head collision there.. both men are down..
SSS: Barry struggles to his feet.. he's slapping on a hold.. it's a.. a.. what the heck is that?
SW: You've got me.. wait a minute.. here come Garry Greene, the other Ambulance Jockey!
SSS: He picks up Barry's book and flips open a fold-out diagram.. He holds it up so Barry can study it.. Barry adjusts the hold...
SW: Oh, it was a Dragon Sleeper! More study required there I think..
SSS: But now Barry has it really cinched in.. and Pigeon has no choice but to tap out.. this ones over!
Bubba: Here is your winner.. BARRY "THE BACKBOARD" BROWN!
SSS: Wow! What a terrific match to start things off.. right, Scotty?
SW: I'll assume that was a retorical question..
SSS: Well, if you liked that.. you'll love this.. it's time for the "Big-Wheel-'O-Gimmicks"!
(We zoom out to reveal a multi-colored casino wheel next to the announcers table.)
SW: You gotta be kidding me...
SSS: Trust me, this'll work! Spin the wheel, Scotty, you're closest.. and let's see what our next match will be!
SW: I don't believe this..
SSS: Scotty gives the wheel a huge spin.. will it be the "Klondike-Log-Rolling" contest? The "Alabama Greasy Pig Rumble"? The good old "Brass Knuckles on a Pole" match? It's stopping.. it's stopping.. its the.. "MOTOCYCLE WALL OF DEATH" Match! This should be great!
(We cut to the exterior of the Dome. A large metal sphere is there. A motocyclist is inside, engine idling.)
SW: Yikes!! Who's in this match, Kamikakie Ken and El Jaboronie Loco?
SSS: That's a good guess, Scotty.. but no! It's Mishimoto San and El Gigolante!
SW: Right... our two LEAST-mobile wrestlers in a cage with a motorcyclist.. do they know about this?
SSS: They do now.. here they come!
(The shot widens out to reveal Mishimoto San and El Gigolante staring at the cage. The motorcyclist revs up and begins driving around and around the sphere, looping off the walls. The sheer terror on the wrestlers faces is unmistakable.)
SSS: And don't forget, BOTH men will be in the Main Event Battle Royal! If they haven't suffered a major injury, that is...
SW: Mishimoto San and El Gigolante are in the cage now.. the stunt rider barely missing them on each pass. SupeRef calls for the bell..
SSS: And we're under way. Hammerlock from Mishimoto San...
El Gigolante: I give! I quit! Look, I'm tapping out! Watch me tap! See? Ring the Bell!
Bubba: The Winner of the match... MISHIMOTO SAN!
(Both men simultaneously dive for the cage door. We cut back to Sammy and Scotty, as the sound of squealing brakes fills the air, followed by a meaty THUD. Both announcer wince as they watch their monitors.)
SW: Not one of your better ideas, Sammy.
SSS: You could be right... anyway, the should have regained conciousness by the time our Main Event rolls around. Let's go to a commercial!
(The shot remains on both Scotty and Sammy, who light up stogies and crack a couple of beers. They talk among themselves. Their mikes are off, so only lip-readers know exactly what they were talking about. Two minutes later they stub the cigars and hide the brews.)
SSS: And we're back! This next match should be a doozy! It's a "Gee, Do These Guys Still Work For Us?" match. Take it away Bubba!
Bubba: The following contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, weighning 220 pounds.. STOOONNNED TOKERRRRR!
("With A Little Help From My Friends" as sung by a really stoned Joe Cocker plays. Stoned Toker makes his way down the aisle like a pinball, bouncing off assorted pieces of equipment. He negotiates the ropes on the second attempt and slumps in a corner, giggling.)
Bubba: And his opponent, weighing 230 pounds.. KILLERRRRR POOCH!
("How Much is the Doggie in The Window" plays. K.P enters and barks at a few fans, who are looking puzzled.)
SW: Well, two guys with no fan base, no angles and have done as many interviews as Trigger the Wonderhorse. What up, Sammy?
SSS: They're under contract. We're payin' these guys, therefore, they have to make two appearances a month. This is one..
SW: Let me guess, they're in the Battle Royal for their second?
SSS: You catch on quick. Pooch and Toker lock up.. big shove sends Toker down. Pooch follows up with a headbutt to the crotch! And he's putting on a Sharpshooter! Is this one over already?? OH! A huge clothesline from SupeRef breaks the hold..
SSS: Yeah, we're not paying these guys for a one minute squash.. Supes has been ordered to make sure this one goes a reasonable distance.
SW: Oh, Lord...
SSS: Killer Pooch scoops up Toker for a back suplex. Lazy cover, allowing an easy kickout by Toker. The Pooch with a shoulderblock! Toker regains his vertical base in time for an axe kick! The Pooch darts to the top rope. Toker rises, looking majorly groggy.. TOP-ROPE SPEAR!
SW: Now if the Pooch hadn't rammed his own head into the mat on the way down, that would have been a great move.
SSS: That's for sure! Toker trying to get focused now.. Northern Irish Whip to the ropes.. drop-kick! If he could get the timing right, that could do some damage.
SW: If he got the timing right, he might actually hit something..
SSS: Toker tries again.. whips Pooch to the ropes, drop-down.. leapfrog.. drop-down.. leapfrog... leapfrog..
SW: This is really getting borrring...
SSS: Leapfrog.. leapfrog.. leapfrog.. you're right.. drop-down. Pooch is getting tired with all this running back and forth.. leapfrog..NO! Pooch catches Toker and gives him a powerbomb! And he's going for the Doogy Nap!
SW: Doogy Nap?
SSS: That's what it says in his profile. Look, right here.. D-O-O-G-Y N-A-P.
SW: Suddenly I'm glad he never roleplayed.. We would have needed an interpreter to read it..
SSS: Anyway, it's a Sleeper, no matter how you spell it.. and Toker is going down... arm is raised once.. twice.. and it's OVER!
Bubba: Here is you winner.. KILLLLERRRRRRRRR POOCH!
SW: When did we get WCW's ring announcer?
SSS; I think we have to switch Bubba to de-caf... Well, it's time for our Main Event.. but first.. a major proclomation!
(Sammy runs into the ring.)
SSS: Ladies and Gentlemen! I would like to announce a change to the line-up for Barnyard Blitzkrieg! As you may know, Nurse Heidi was due to wrestle Pigeon.. however, in an attempt to boost our flagging ratings, Nurse Heidi will now wrestle J. C Brawly in a "Loser-Strips" Match!
(The crowd erupts in the biggest pop in WWF history. A "J.C! J.C!" chant is even started. Sammy waves to the crowd and returns to his seat.)
SSS: That oughta push the buy-rates up!
SW: I'll say.. now, you did get the Boss' permisson before you said that?
SSS: *ahem* ...and now, the BATTLE ROYAL Main Event.. and as you can see, we have three rings set up! Yes.. 30 men! 10 to a ring! When we get down to 10 left, they'll all move to the centre ring to fight it out to the finish!
SW: This looks eerily familiar.. someone call our lawyers..
(The lights dim. Cheap pyrotechnics explode, and rock music plays. A single laser light waves randomly in the air.)
SW: There goes the budget for this quarter!
Bubba: Ladies and Gentlemen, here are the participants for Ring Number 1!
ROY D. RAGE!
SILLICONE M. PLANTS!
MIKE THE PISSED TEEN!
EL JABORONIE LOCO!
"COLD STONE" STEVE ROBERTS!
MIKE "THE HAMMER" COLLINS!
And to make up numbers, from the STWF.. HEAD TRAUMA BOY COMA!
(The wrestlers walk down to the ring, or in El Gigolantes' case, limp. The crowd cheers, boos and throws stuff, depending on whos in range.)
SW: Who was that last one?
SSS: We got him cheap. Anyway, he sucks, so he won't embarrass us by winning.
SW: Good. Interesting to see that the tag champs are in the same ring.
Bubba: In Ring Two.. THE MIME!
THE GREEN MOSHEEN!
"HANDSOME" HANK HAWKINS!
GARRY "THE GURNEY" GREENE!
THE EMBALMED GUY!
THE EXTREME JOCK!
HEAD TRAUMA BOY FLATLINE!
AND.. SCOTTY WHATBODY!
SW: YOU BLEEP-ING WHAT??!!!!!
SSS: Sorry, I forgot to tell you. We didn't have enough wrestlers to fill the ring.. off you go Scotty.. don't worry, I can call this thing by myself! Give it the old college try!
SW: Oh, you are SO dead!
Bubba: And in Ring Three.. FUMBUCKER DIONTRAY!
TIM THE PISSED TEEN!
BARRY "THE BACKBOARD" BROWN!
THE BARBADOS SKANKS!
SSS: Well, all thirty men have made it to the rings. SupeRef motions to the timekeeper..
SSS: ...AND HERE WE GO! Absolute chaos breaks out right off the bat! I'll try and call it the best I can! Right in front of me, Mishimoto San and the Domino are pounding on Diontray! Kamikazie Ken executes an Asashi Moonsault and levels Toker! The Embalmed Guy is getting pounded by Johnston Powers. The Mime is right next to them, imitating Johnston punch for punch! Roy D. Rage is getting double teamed by both Roberts and Collins! The tag champs are taking no chance with our former Heavyweight champ! They pick him up for a crushing double powerslam! Pissed Teen Mike and Coma are exchanging headbutts in Ring 1! Scotty Whatbody has gotten Killer Pooch down and is stomping away on him! That's the spirit, Scotty! In Ring 3, Carl X is pummeling Tim, while Carl's partner Loomis is ramming Barry Browns head repeatedly into the turnbuckle! This is pure, unadultarated insanity! And it's not even a pay-per-view! OH! Fumbucker Leon gets a stiff-arm clothesline from El Gigolante and is blasted over the top rope! And so Leon has to suffer the indignity of being the first man eliminated! "Handsome" Hank has The Green Mosheen pinned in a corner now, and is standing over him, gyrating away wildly! That's not a pretty sight, I'm telling you. But The Mosheen plucks Hank up and delivers an inverted atomic drop! The Extreme Jock has Scotty Whatbody and The Embalmed Guy! Double noggin knocker! Back in Ring 1, the Hammer and "Cold Stone" are still double-teaming Rage. But Rage fights back like a true ex-champion! Headbutt on Collins! Elbow right between Roberts eyes! Rage picks up Collins in a firemans carry.. DEATH VALLEY DRIVER over the top rope!! Say goodnight Mike, your party's over! 2 men down, 28 to go.. make that 27!! Johnston Powers is drop-kicked over the top rope by Garry Greene! The Mime shrugs and follows suit, imitating Powers tumble almost perfectly! 4 men gone now! And would you believe Scotty's still in this thing! Of course, he is getting paintbrushed by The Extreme Jock, but he's lasted longer than I thought he would! Rage is on the recieving end of a big Avalance from El Gigolante! Oingo Boingo and Kamikazie Ken execute an astonishing double hikanrana on the Domino! The two of them working very well together.. double dropkick sends Mishimoto San reeling back.. and Stoned Toker pulls the top rope down! Mishimoto San tumbles over and he is out of here! Oingo gives Ken a trio of high-fives and then headbutts him! So much for that little partnership! Carl X with an enormous Samoan Drop on Barry Brown! The Embalmed Guy gets a Swinging Neckbreaker courtesty of The Extreme Jock. The Jock scoops him up and tries to get rid of him.. he gets some help from Scotty... YES! The Embalmed Guy is history! Meanwhile Pissed Teen Mike tries a flying forearm on The Guy! A nice last-second duck by the Guy, and Mike is gone! How many are left now? Where's the nifty on-screen graphic we were supposed to have?
(We cut to a shot of some nameless WWF flunky holding a card marked "23")
SSS: Better than nothing I suppose. Back to the action! Scotty Whatbody is involved in a fist-fight with Garry Greene... Garry suddenly drops to all fours.. and Head Trauma Boy Flatline uses Garrys back as a launching pad! Big shoulderblock on Scotty! He reels back to the ropes.. and a double clothesline from Garry and Flatline sends him to the floor! A brave effort by my broadcast colleague there!
SW: *cough*.. *pant*.. You.. *hack*.. are soooooo dead...
SSS: Look out! Vertical suplex from SMP on The Guy! The Guys outstreched foot connects with Coma on the way! El Jabaronie Loco leaps onto the ropes and springboards into Ring 2, sending Killer Pooch down with a head-scissor takedown! Well, no-one said he had to STAY in the ring he stared in! E.J Loco is all over the place! He leaps onto the turnbuckle.. jumps into Ring 3! But Kamikazie Ken was waiting and meets him with a mid-air dropkick! What action! Diontray picks up Loco and tries to eject him from the ring. He's going.. he's going... wait a minute! Barry comes up from behind and uses Diontrays own momentum to send him out along with El Jaboronie Loco! Two for the price of one! Barry waves to the crowd and turns.. just in time to get squashed between Carl X and Loomis! Barry is easily eliminated after that little taste of the Skank-wich! We're at the one-third point!
SW: Oh, man, my neck is never gonna be the same! You're getting my chiropracters bills, Sammy!
SSS: Oh, quit complaining! Check out the pummelling that Rage and SMP are dishing out to The Guy! I didn't even know an arm could bend like that! In the centre ring, Handsome Hank just gave Killer Pooch a Backdoor Buttslam!
SW: That's doin' it doggie-style!
SSS: And the Pooch leaps over the top rope and eliminates himself! I think he's headed for the shower before Hank can get there! Back in Ring 1, The Guy, SMP and Rage have now teamed up on El Gigolante! Can they get the 370-pounder out? They're having difficulty, due to his low center of gravity! Wait a minute, when did Carl X get eliminated?
SW: Beats the heck out of me... I was watching Nurse Heidi. Check THAT out!
SSS: Oh my GOD! Sorry about that mosiac pattern over Hiedis... *ahem*.. pectorials, fans. She's got everyone in Ring 1 stunned.. except SMP and Coma, that is..
SW: Well, according to this tabloid, she's been seeing both of them, so I guess they've seen both of THOSE before..
SSS: And there goes El Gigolante, upended by SMP and Coma! That's what happens when your attention wanders like that! Meanwhile, The Green Mosheen and Flatline are trying to eliminate Toker! Handsome Hank comes in to help out.. or maybe just cop a cheap feel.. and Toker is out of it!
SW: So what's new? He's always out of it...
(We cut to the card-holding guy, who's holding up a "15" sign.)
SSS: And we're at the half-way point! Both Head Trauma Boys go to the top ropes in thier respective rings. Double flying headbutts! On each other! Are they insane? Anyway, they just eliminated themselves, so we're down to a lucky 13 wrestlers!
SW: Not so lucky for Oingo Boingo! He just got back-dropped out by The Domino! Only Loomis the Vile, Kamikazie Ken and The Domino remain in Ring 3!
SSS: And the Domino is taking it to both of them. Predictably, the action in the other rings slows down so we can focus on this! Bodyslam on Ken! Bodyslam on Loomis! Standing side kick for Ken! Short Clothesline drops Loomis.. The Domino a one-man assualt force! He scoops up Ken for a belly-to-back suplex! Beautiful execution! He's making the old "over-the-top" sign to the crowd.. and there goes Loomis! The Domino turns his attention to Ken.. Gorilla Press!! He walks him to the ropes and tosses him over! Ken, ever the showman does a somersault and breaks a table on the way out! What a professional he is!
SW: Well, the Domino thinks he can take a rest, seeing as how he cleared his ring..
Bubba: As we now have 10 men left, all the remaining wrestlers will move to Ring 2!
Domino: Awww.. crap!
SSS: Well, just ten men left.. The Domino, The Extreme Jock, Garry Greene, SMP, Handsome Hank, The Guy, Roy D. Rage, Tim...
SW: A Pissed Teen is still in?
SSS: Feeling like a loser, Scotty? Anyway, Steve Roberts and The Green Mosheen round out the final 10!
SSS: And here we go again! Wait a minute! Here comes Birdboy! He leaps in the ring and tackles The Guy! Do you believe it?! Birdboy raining punches on The Guy now! Birdboy has the crowd firmly behind him! The noise is deafening! Birdboy grabs The Guy by the seat of his pants.. and ELIMINATES HIM!!
SW: Oh, man! YOU SUCK, BIRDBOY! BOOO!
SSS: Way to remain neutral, Scotty. Birdboy out to the apron.. FLY AWAY on The Guy!!! The Champ is taking The Guy to the cleaners! The two of them brawling their way up the aisle now! Just listen to those fans!
SW: Back in the ring, the remaining nine wrestlers are going at each other like there's no tomorrow!
SSS: Rage DDT's The Mosheen! SMP is delivering elbows repeatedly to The Domino! The Extreme Jock leaps onto the top turnbuckle.. CORKSCREW PLANCHA! Handsome Hank goes down..
SW: On who?
SSS:...to the mat after that one...
SW: Oh, good.
SSS: Meanwhile, Garry drills Tim with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Hefts him up onto his shoulders. The other wrestlers are giving him lots of room so it could be something good coming up here...
SW: Oh Yeah! Fall-away slam over the top rope!!! So long Tim!
SSS: Garry looks exhausted, though.. he leans on the ropes to catch his breath..and here comes the Barbados Skanks back to the ring! Loomis reaches up and simply drags Garry out! And we've got a three man beat-down in progress! Loomis winds up and gives Garry a lariat from Heck! All three men stomping away now! And I don't think I have to remind you that the Jocks and the Skanks will clash at Barnyard Blitkrieg!
SW: But you will, anyway.. WAIT A MINUTE! Here comes Barry! He's got a chair! Neither of the Skanks have noticed him, despite the huge pop from the fans!
SSS: WHAM! Carl is knocked into the middle of next week! Loomis keeps pounding Garry, being a little slower on the uptake than Carl.. Barry blasts him right over the head! Loomis keeps stomping.. but finally his body gets the message from his brain and he goes down like a ton of bricks! J.C steps in to interfere.. and Heidi takes care of that!
SW: Hope he wasn't planning a family anytime soon!
SSS: Soprano City all right! And here comes security! They drag the Skanks and Jocks apart! Carl still manages to break away from the eight guys holding him and get a few more punches in! It looks like they're going to fight all the way back to the locker room! We haven't seen the last of this! Not with a Pay-per-view a week away, anyway! Back in the ring, the Extreme Jock just got knocked for a loop by The Mosheen!
SW: Do you belive the Green Mosheens still in this thing! That's my boy!
SSS: The Green Mosheen drags the Jock to the ropes.. he's got him half-way over.. can he do it??
SW: C'mon Green! Go! GO!!
SSS: And the Jock is teetering.. and there he goes!
SSS: The Mosheen turns around.. and a double clothesline from Rage and Hank lifts him off his feet and out!
SW: NOOO! Rage, you BLEEP!! Son of a BLEEP!!!
SSS: Why don't you tell us how you really feel, Scotty? WHOA! Big powerbomb on Roberts from The Domino! Picks him up and runs him to the ropes! Simply flings him over the top! Roberts is gone! Just Rage, Hank, Plants and the Domino left! Gut-wrench suplex from Plants levels Hank! The Domino gets a big knee-lift from Rage! Leg-drop! He's got the Domino prone in the center of the ring! Bunces off the ropes.. GIGANTIC splash! He's got the Domino right where he wants him! SMP is chopping away at Hank in the corner! Rage drags Domino to his feet and sets him up for a whip to the buckle! Here it comes.. REVERSAL! Rage comes straight back towards Plants and Hank.. SMP drops a shoulder.. RAGE IS GONE! Backdropped out by Plants!
SW: HA! Seeya Roy! Thanks for coming!
SSS: Just three men left! SMP and the Domino are going at it furiously! Lefts and rights being exchanged! SMP gets his jaw jacked! Responds with a clothesline from nowhere! Slingshots Domino into the buckle! SMP slaps on a cross-face chicken wing! He's literaly dragging Domino to the ropes.. can he get rid of him?
SW: Here comes Hank! He's sneaking up from behind!
SSS: He sure is! Domino and Plants leaning way too far out over the ropes.. Hank strikes.. and DUMPS BOTH OF THEM OVER THE TOP! It's OVER!!!
Bubba: Here is the winner of the Battle Royal... "HANDSOME" HANK HAWKINNNNNNNNS!!!!!!!!
SSS: What a match! And it'll be Hank who wins the trip to Gay Paree... appropriately enough.. and will also get a World Title shot at an upcoming Tornado Thursday Night!
SW: If the Boss doesn't negate that once he finds out about this, Sammy...
SSS: Anyway, thanks for joining us tonight, and for Scotty Whatbody, I'm "Sellout" Sammy Smith, saying "See you at BARNYARD BLITZKRIEG!" So long, everybody!
© 2004 BOB Home Video!
1999 Whatever Wrestling Federation