Skeeter: Okay, hi there! Welcome to the first of the Season One "Extra" shows! We're about to take a look back at the Whatever Wrestling Federation, and I'm Steve "Skeeter" Skeet, the writer.
Leary: I'm John Leary. The, uh, other guy watching this and talking about it. I had no part in this show or federation. I'm only here because Steve promised beer.
Skeeter: Canadian beer, if he's lucky.
Tornado Thursday Night 7/15/99
NOW WITH EXTRA FIBRE
Skeeter: So we're all the way back to what, July of 1999? This isn't actually the first card I ever wrote, but due to curse of broken links, this is the earliest surviving me-penned WWF show.
Leary: How did you stumble upon this federation initially?
Skeeter: Well, in '99 there was still enough Parody e-feds out there to warrant having a central hub site. I chased a few links to places like COIN, LoL and Special Ed wrestling before finding the WWF. I liked Martuys style and sense of humor, joining initially with Kamikazie Ken. Shortly after, Marty asked if I could write a card for him. That one card basically catapulted me into the full-time writing job. Guess Marty was going through the same brain-burnout most of us get after a year or two.
Leary: Were you still in the STWF at this time?
Skeeter: Yep... I was doing WAY too much at once, really. Roleplaying for the STWF and a serious fed, writing for the WWF and trying to learn enough HTML to open my own site. I couldn't do that now. *laugh* Hard enough gettting one thing done at a time.
Skeeter: That tagline is a good way of telling my cards from Martys, by the way. His all had "Now in Technicolor" up to this point.
SSS: WELCOME everybody to the TTN you thought you'd never see! I'm "Sellout" Sammy Smith, and along with me as usual, Scotty Whatbody!
SW: What the hell is this, Sammy? I thought we had the week off?
Skeeter: And in all honesty, we did. Marty was going away for a week, and therefore there wasn't going to BE a TTN. I was in the Zone, obviously, because I booked and wrote a card just for fun.
Leary: Fun? In e-fedding? Sheesh. You were young then.
Skeeter: And stupid.
SSS: Well, yes, but with the Boss on.. *ahem*.. a business trip...
(We cut to the Boss, who's sitting on a tropical island, sipping a drink from a coconut shell.)
Skeeter: As you can see, the Boss later inspired the BigBOSS. Although this guy obviously had a little more cash than the BOB Boss.
Leary: Yep. I guess glomming off the WWF name might confuse a few people and get you some extra bucks now and then.
Skeeter: The commentary team here was a bit of a pain in the keister at times. "Sellout" Sammy Smith and Scotty Whatbody meant a buttload of "S''s to type and I was always getting the wrong intials in the wrong place.
SSS:...I thought, what the heck! I can book a card just as well as he can! So let's get ready for a spectacular night of sports entertainment! Culminating in my all-time favourite! The "Every-man-for-himself-over-the-top-rope-Battle-Royal"! With the winner getting a trip to Paris, a set of steak knives, and a title shot at the Tornado Thursday Night following Barnyard Blitzkrieg!
Leary: Ah, yep, definitely one of your cards. A main event battle royal.
Skeeter: Even in the early days, I'm STILL booking those things. I love the Royal Rumble... is it obvious yet?
SW: Oh, are you going to be in Soooo much trouble when the Boss gets back..
SSS: I'll ignore that. Let's go straight to Bubba for our opening bout!
Skeeter: I came into the WWF fairly late, so I honestly had no idea what the guys gimmicks were meant to be. Luckily, a ring announcer called "Bubba" can be fairly generic.
Bubba: This is a triangle elimination match, scheduled for two falls! Introducing first, weighing 230 pounds.. BIG HEAD RALPH!
(Ralph waddles down to the ring, a tiny Sabres cap perched on his mammoth melon.)
Skeeter: I did like THIS gimmick, though. Tiny little body, massive melon. His finisher was a Big Headbutt, of course.
Leary: Ah, such a simple but effective gimmick.
Bubba: Secondly, weighing 275 pounds.. PIGEON!
Leary: This was the Raven parody character, right?
Skeeter: I think so. To me, this guy seemed to have no discernable gimmick. Just a heavily pierced guy with a limited moveset and a wierd name. I think of him more as "Prince Albert" than Raven.
SW: Brilliant. Two jobbers in the ring already. What are you doing, pulling names from a hat?
SSS: Shhh.. you want the STWF to sue us?
(Rustling paper is heard from under the announce table.)
Skeeter: That was a staple of the Stereotype Wrestling Fed. Drawing wrestlers out of a hat during the show. Now I think about it, it's probably the unconcious inspiratiojn for the Medium-Sized Bucket.
Leary: Yep. And we still carry on that tradition. Because randomness it's next to funniness.
Skeeter: Only if Coma wrote the dictionary.
SSS: Here you go, Bubba.
Bubba: And finally.. representing Club Med..from Brown Summit, North Carolina.. BARRY "THE BACKBOARD" BROWN!
Skeeter: "Club Med"... J's characters always lead to puns, both good and bad.
Leary: So J was also here? You two part of a package deal?
Skeeter: Just a coincidence. We still hadn't even hooked up as a writing team at this stage... once we did, "Club Med" was disbanded and the "Head Trauma Club" was formed.
SW: So, two jobbers and half a tag team.. way to book 'em, Sammy...
(The Theme from ER plays as Barry runs down to the ring, still pulling on his tights.)
Barry: Jeez, thanks for the warning, guys!
Leary: Now there's a real impromptu moment if there ever was one.
Skeeter: See here's were I insert more reality than the real WWF. If there's a spontaneous, impromptu match, the guy really should arrive in his street clothes. Doubly so if he's an announcer.
SSS: Well, all three men in the ring now.. SupeRef checks the boots.. and the
Leary: Superhero referee? Able to withstand big bumps?
Skeeter: Ahh, good old SupeRef. He never really did anything overly super, sadly. He'd still bump around like any normal ref. Maybe striped shirts were his kryptonite?
SSS: ...and this one is under way! Both Ralph and Barry turn on Pigeon straight away! They're both chopping away in perfect syncronicity! They whip him to the ropes for a double elbow! Great teamwork from these two, which is odd, seeing as this is a randomly-booked match... Oh, that's better.. big headbutt from Ralph sends Barry reeling! Pigeon crawls to a corner as Ralph and Barry lock up!
Skeeter: A little shot at those "impromptu" matches that turn into well-rehearsed spotfests.
Leary: Ralph begins to use his head. Are there any 'head' jokes coming up from Scotty here?
Skeeter: Afraid not. Scottys character was a lot less sleazy in the earliest cards. His major character trait was cheering for "The Green Mosheen", who tended to get poummeled week in and week out. I never found out why that was, but went along with it anyway.
SW: Good tatics from Pigeon. Barry gets slammed by Ralph.. falling headbutt! That's gotta smart.
Skeeter: See, there Scotty misses a great opportunity for "head' jokes. That'd never happen now.
Leary: Ah, the much cleaner world of 1999. ... Wait a second...Vince Russo was booking then.
Skeeter: *laugh* We, WE were cleaner anyway. For a week or so.
SSS: Well, with a noggin that big, I'd tend to agree! But Ralph is having trouble regaining his feet after that move.. Barry lets him get to his knees.. oh! Big sweep kick to the forehead sends him down again! And a chop to Pigeon who was trying to look inconspicuous in the corner. Inverted atomic drop has Pigeon writhing in pain! Barry clotheslines him to the mat! Bounces off the ropes and gives a double-footed dropkick to Ralph!
Skeeter: Now I like the head-related offense, there. You got a HUGEctarget, why not kick him in the forehead?
Leary: I'm still impressed inconspicuous is spelled correctly.
Skeeter: Yeah, it's amazing I was writing quicker, yet with less misspellings. The logic of it escapes me...
SW: Barry's getting confident.. check out the little Ali Shuffle there! And he's reaching into his tights for something.. it looks like.. a pocket-sized version of "How YOU Can Become part of The Exciting World of Pro Wrestling!".
Skeeter: That's a pure J joke there. The Jocks gimmicks was that they were fed-up EMTs who wanted to be wrestlers. So Barry got a mail-order book on wrestling and away they went..
Leary: Little did they know they'd end up in the WWF.
Skeeter: Just not THAT WWF, sadly.
SSS: Damn, you've got good eyesight, Scotty! Barry checks out a diagram carefully.. sets himself up.. and.. TORNADO DDT on Ralph! Covers..1..2..3! Ralph is out of here! And Barry is jubilant! He leaps onto a turnbuckle and is showboating like there's no tomorrow!
Leary: Ralph's big head comes back to bite him on the ass there.
Skeeter: Yikes, Sounds like he's doing Yoga. Now, would Terry Taylor have gotten the Red Rooster over more if he'd had that book?
Leary: I don't think free money would have gotten that character over.
Skeeter: *Laugh* Sad, but true.
SW: Pigeon is still in this one however.. he takes the opportunity to pluck Barry off the turnbuckle and deliver a Pigeons Edge! Cover..1..2.. NO! Kickout by Barry!
SSS: Could Pigeon pull off a stunning upset and win this one?
SW: You tell me, you're booking 'em..
Leary: Ah, breaking kayfabe in the good old days too.
Skeeter: Scotty major trait, all right. I think his philosophy is "How many people watching this crap are going to complain?"
SSS: Retorical question Scotty..
SW: A what?
Skeeter: And he's always been a less-than educated commentator, too. Very much a beer-and-the-football-game kind of guy.
Leary: And hooters, of course.
Skeeter: Well, that goes without saying.
SSS: That means I didn't want an answer.. Understand?
SW: Sorry, I thought that was a retorical question.
Leary: *Laugh* That's a perfect Scotty reply there.
SSS: Getting back to the match now.. Barry appears to be in control.. somehow.. Can we get a replay of how he did it? No? Oh well, cest la vie..
SW: Say la what? Whoa! Big head-to-head collision there.. both men are down..
Skeeter: Pretty much EVERY parody fed seems to have trouble with replays. The STWF even had a named replay guy, Chet... and he was a very tempermental guy who'd refuse to give replays if you didn't ask nice. BOB just tended to give the wrong replay, if at all.
Leary: Replay is one of those luxuries. It did turn into a few good gags in BOB's early days, though it seems to have fallen away recently. We should bring in John Madden. Then we'd have a reason for replays and a telestrator. Assuming we could afford his food budget anyway...
Skeeter: Scotty'd just use the telestrator to draw boobs on everyone.
SSS: Barry struggles to his feet.. he's slapping on a hold.. it's a.. a.. what the heck is that?
SW: You've got me.. wait a minute.. here come Garry Greene, the other Ambulance Jockey!
Skeeter: Barry and Garry... Gotta love tag-teams with names like that.
Leary: Gotta love e-fed announcers who don't know what moves are called. Make up your own damn moves, readers. What, do we have to spell everything out for you?
Skeeter: Actually, this was more a set-up gag... wait for it... wat for it...
SSS: He picks up Barry's book and flips open a fold-out diagram.. He holds it up so Barry can study it.. Barry adjusts the hold...
SW: Oh, it was a Dragon Sleeper! More study required there I think..
Skeeter: Ba-doom ching!
Leary: Ahhh, nice. That is a tricky move for an amateur.
SSS: But now Barry has it really cinched in.. and Pigeon has no choice but to tap out.. this ones over!
Bubba: Here is your winner.. BARRY "THE BACKBOARD" BROWN!
Leary: A rare win. These boys were pretty unsuccessful jobbers when they moved on to BOB, if I remember correctly.
Skeeter: Yeah, J had moved on a little and was concentrating more on SMP and Viet Kong by then. His first series of roleplays for them prior to their STWF debut were amazingly funny, though.
SSS: Wow! What a terrific match to start things off.. right, Scotty?
SW: I'll assume that was a retorical question..
Skeeter: Proof that you should NEVER offer Scotty the opportunity for a running gag, or he'll use it at will.
SSS: Well, if you liked that.. you'll love this.. it's time for the "Big-Wheel-'O-Gimmicks"!
(We zoom out to reveal a multi-colored casino wheel next to the announcers table.)
SW: You gotta be kidding me...
Leary: Oddly, the WWE would use this gimmick a few years later in Las Vegas...
Skeeter: Yes, we pre-empted "Raw Roulette" by about three years, here. Where's my fucking check, Vince?
SSS: Trust me, this'll work! Spin the wheel, Scotty, you're closest.. and let's see what our next match will be!
SW: I don't believe this..
Skeeter: Scotty wears his heart on his sleeve when it comes to bad ideas. If only someone could do the same in the WWE.
Leary: *Laugh* Nowadays this would probably be a good idea compared to the many traumas Scotty's seen since.
Skeeter: *laugh* I reckon.
SSS: Scotty gives the wheel a huge spin.. will it be the "Klondike-Log-Rolling" contest? The "Alabama Greasy Pig Rumble"? The good old "Brass Knuckles on a Pole" match? It's stopping.. it's stopping.. its the.. "MOTOCYCLE WALL OF DEATH" Match! This should be great!
Leary: Did any of those other matches ever get used?
Skeeter: Nope. Just throw-away gags. The "Greasy Pig' rumble could be a winner, though... although with BOB's current "anything goes" attitude, it could be a shade distatseful these days.
Leary: I'll leave that one for you. You have more taste out of the two of us, which, sadly, isn't saying much. *Laugh*
(We cut to the exterior of the Dome. A large metal sphere is there. A motocyclist is inside, engine idling.)
Skeeter: The "Wall of Death" was a pretty standard British carnvial attraction, which I read of in a ton of 'Boys Own'-style books as a kid. Riding a motorcycle around and around the walls of a wooden shaft at high speed. The name alone must have garanteed a big crowd.
Leary: This sounds like a match made for Kamikazie Ken...
SW: Yikes!! Who's in this match, Kamikakie Ken and El Jaboronie Loco?
Skeeter: Man, was I predictable or what? *laugh* El Jabronie Loco was your standard "Insane Luchador" in the WWF. I'd assume that he was also Special Ed Wrestlings "UNORTHODOXO" under a differnet mask, and later evolved into Insano Mano.
Leary: Ken did have some interesting gimmick matches in the WWF from what I remember. A match in a hospital if I remember correctly. Something involving parachuting prior to a fight. It seemed like a natural fit here.
Skeeter: Yep, and most times Marty came up with those stipulations. Then let me work out what the hell they were supposed to be. Total creative freedom is nice, but I know for a fact I often e-mailed him pleading "What the HELL is a "Insert Name Here" Match?"
SSS: That's a good guess, Scotty.. but no! It's Mishimoto San and El Gigolante!
Leary: It's a swerve!
Skeeter: El Gigolante was one of DK's guys. Imagine Paul Wight as a smooth-talking ladies man. Mishimoto San was listed as weight 450 pounds.
SW: Right... our two LEAST-mobile wrestlers in a cage with a motorcyclist.. do they know about this?
SSS: They do now.. here they come!
Leary: More impromptu wackiness.
(The shot widens out to reveal Mishimoto San and El Gigolante staring at the cage. The motorcyclist revs up and begins driving around and around the sphere, looping off the walls. The sheer terror on the wrestlers faces is unmistakable.)
Skeeter: I'd like to see this today. Throw A-train and The Big Show in there and improve the calibre of the Raw main event by a long, long way after they're carried out on stretchers.
Leary: Couldn't hurt their product any worse.
SSS: And don't forget, BOTH men will be in the Main Event Battle Royal! If they haven't suffered a major injury, that is...
Skeeter: Even Sammy is proabbly realising the insanity of this situation right about now. The only thing is, Sammy wouldn't care, so long as it made for good TV.
Leary: He's booking the show. So it has to be good.
SW: Mishimoto San and El Gigolante are in the cage now.. the stunt rider barely missing them on each pass. SupeRef calls for the bell..
SSS: And we're under way. Hammerlock from Mishimoto San...
El Gigolante: I give! I quit! Look, I'm tapping out! Watch me tap! See? Ring the Bell!
Skeeter: That's got to be some sort of first, surely? How many other pople have submitted to a hammerlock?
Leary: Hmm...guess he's got more brains than most other big men in the sport.
Bubba: The Winner of the match... MISHIMOTO SAN!
(Both men simultaneously dive for the cage door. We cut back to Sammy and Scotty, as the sound of squealing brakes fills the air, followed by a meaty THUD. Both announcer wince as they watch their monitors.)
Leary: Ah, but it wouldn't be funny if they escaped uninjured. First rule of comedy, right there.
Skeeter: Yep... the stunt rider knocked cold, those two walk out fine. Then I would have been stealing from the "Paul Wight Falls off a Building" bit in WCW, of course.
Leary: Ah yes. I tried to repress that memory...
Skeeter: Maybe if they'd put him in a car and dropped him off a forklift... wait, that wouldn't work either.
SW: Not one of your better ideas, Sammy.
SSS: You could be right... anyway, the should have regained conciousness by the time our Main Event rolls around. Let's go to a commercial!
(The shot remains on both Scotty and Sammy, who light up stogies and crack a couple of beers. They talk among themselves. Their mikes are off, so only lip-readers know exactly what they were talking about. Two minutes later they stub the cigars and hide the brews.)
Skeeter: I always get the feeling that's what the newsreaders do when the ads are on...
Leary: I figure that's what David Letterman does during commercial breaks.
SSS: And we're back! This next match should be a doozy! It's a "Gee, Do These Guys Still Work For Us?" match. Take it away Bubba!
Skeeter: A little commentary on the short-term attention span of many e-fedders coming up. I swear I've had a TON guys join BOB and never show up after their first promo.
Leary: Yep. Let's join a fed and then forget to ever go back to it. So frustrating sometimes it makes you want to do embarassing things to their characters. Witness: XXXtreme Machine.
Skeeter: Well, I consider him a special case. "Specail" as in "Education", of course.
Bubba: The following contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, weighning 220 pounds.. STOOONNNED TOKERRRRR!
("With A Little Help From My Friends" as sung by a really stoned Joe Cocker plays. Stoned Toker makes his way down the aisle like a pinball, bouncing off assorted pieces of equipment. He negotiates the ropes on the second attempt and slumps in a corner, giggling.)
Skeeter: Now THIS gimmick I understood! Due to a former room-mate, mainly.
Leary: Ah yes, stoners are good for one match every couple of years. I tried to run one but found him quite limited for material.
Skeeter: Yep. douja was about the only guy who could maintain the gimmick, although he WAS pretty violent for a toker.
SW: Well, two guys with no fan base, no angles and have done as many interviews as Trigger the Wonderhorse. What up, Sammy?
SSS: They're under contract. We're payin' these guys, therefore, they have to make two appearances a month. This is one..
SW: Let me guess, they're in the Battle Royal for their second?
Skeeter: "What up"? Man, Scotty Wiggerbody.
Leary: *Laugh* He's got street cred, yo.
SSS: You catch on quick. Pooch and Toker lock up.. big shove sends Toker down. Pooch follows up with a headbutt to the crotch! And he's putting on a Sharpshooter! Is this one over already?? OH! A huge clothesline from SupeRef breaks the hold..
SSS: Yeah, we're not paying these guys for a one minute squash.. Supes has been ordered to make sure this one goes a reasonable distance.
Leary: *Laugh* Now I wasn't expecting that! That ref's got some balls.
Skeeter: He's not just a ref.. he's SUPEREF! Able to leap tall logic gaps in a single bound.
SW: Oh, Lord...
SSS: Killer Pooch scoops up Toker for a back suplex. Lazy cover, allowing an easy kickout by Toker. The Pooch with a shoulderblock! Toker regains his vertical base in time for an axe kick! The Pooch darts to the top rope. Toker rises, looking majorly groggy.. TOP-ROPE SPEAR!
Skeeter: I gave Pooch some half-decent offense, considering he never even did a single promo. Interesting combination of styles, though. Booker T's ring-style, Rick Steiners gimmick.
SW: Now if the Pooch hadn't rammed his own head into the mat on the way down, that would have been a great move.
SSS: That's for sure! Toker trying to get focused now.. Northern Irish Whip to the ropes.. drop-kick! If he could get the timing right, that could do some damage.
Leary: If not for the blown spots and insane booking, this would no doubt be a classic.
Skeeter: *laugh* Thanks for the vote of confidence. I've got no idea why that's a "Northern Irish" whip. Or what the difference is. Possibly it's just done with a little impetu if he finds out you're a Protestant.
Leary: Maybe it's a tad drunker and sloppy?
SW: If he got the timing right, he might actually hit something..
SSS: Toker tries again.. whips Pooch to the ropes, drop-down.. leapfrog.. drop-down.. leapfrog... leapfrog..
SW: This is really getting borrring...
Skeeter: See THERE'S the first instance of someone getting stuck in a move. I was stealing from myself by the 3rd BOB card, huh?
Leary: Yep. But hey, if it works, use it over and over and over and over. Because repitition is funny. And repition is funny. Not to mention repition is funny.
Skeeter: *laugh* Point well made. Repeatedly.
SSS: Leapfrog.. leapfrog.. leapfrog.. you're right.. drop-down. Pooch is getting tired with all this running back and forth.. leapfrog..NO! Pooch catches Toker and gives him a powerbomb! And he's going for the Doogy Nap!
SW: Doogy Nap?
SSS: That's what it says in his profile. Look, right here.. D-O-O-G-Y N-A-P.
Skeeter: Killer Pocch'es bio was written in that odd language known as AoL-ese, of course.
Leary: TV: Doogy Bowser, M.D.
SW: Suddenly I'm glad he never roleplayed.. We would have needed an interpreter to read it..
Skeeter: Scotty goes WAY out-of-character... Even he's MSTing the guy.
Leary: Yep. Mentioning roleplays was always a no-no. But the whole system is messed up anyhow. I used to make fun of how stupid roleplays are in e-fedding in serious feds. And still would today if I was in an RP-based fed.
Skeeter: Let's face it, when the whole premise is to pretend to be a bad-ass wrestler and insult someone in a creative way, how serious can it really be taken? Don't answer that, Neige.
SSS: Anyway, it's a Sleeper, no matter how you spell it.. and Toker is going down... arm is raised once.. twice.. and it's OVER!
Bubba: Here is you winner.. KILLLLERRRRRRRRR POOCH!
SW: When did we get WCW's ring announcer?
Leary: Wow, a sleeper hold that actually works. I'll be damned.
Skeeter: Yes, I WAS sick of Micheal bloody Buffer by mid '99. Used as a novelty good, mangling the main event intros every week, just a shade desperate.
SSS; I think we have to switch Bubba to de-caf... Well, it's time for our Main Event.. but first.. a major proclomation!
(Sammy runs into the ring.)
Skeeter: I really wanted to push the fact that absolute power was having the usual corrupting effect on Sammy. Giving this guy the book is like letting Frodo have a whole handful of Rings of Power.
Leary: Or Eric Bischoff with Ted Turner's wallet. For all you longtime wrestling fans who have no clue who Frodo is.
SSS: Ladies and Gentlemen! I would like to announce a change to the line-up for Barnyard Blitzkrieg! As you may know, Nurse Heidi was due to wrestle Pigeon.. however, in an attempt to boost our flagging ratings, Nurse Heidi will now wrestle J. C Brawly in a "Loser-Strips" Match!
(The crowd erupts in the biggest pop in WWF history. A "J.C! J.C!" chant is even started. Sammy waves to the crowd and returns to his seat.)
Leary: Winning booking there.
Skeeter: Yep, the evil influence of Russo and Bischoff was making it's prescence felt...
SSS: That oughta push the buy-rates up!
SW: I'll say.. now, you did get the Boss' permisson before you said that?
Skeeter: Look how camly Scotty takes the news. He'd be turning handsprings today.
Leary: Yep, he was a bit more restrained. Must have had a chicky on the side then.
SSS: *ahem* ...and now, the BATTLE ROYAL Main Event.. and as you can see, we have three rings set up! Yes.. 30 men! 10 to a ring! When we get down to 10 left, they'll all move to the centre ring to fight it out to the finish!
SW: This looks eerily familiar.. someone call our lawyers..
Leary: A nod to the classic WCW World War 3, except not quite as cluttered.
Skeeter: Yep. The "World War III" Pay-Per-View was one I quite liked, actually. But by the end of the WCW, their production crew had become really, REALLY good at showing the wrong ring at the wrong time. Probably a lot better for the live audience.
(The lights dim. Cheap pyrotechnics explode, and rock music plays. A single laser light waves randomly in the air.)
SW: There goes the budget for this quarter!
Skeeter: Still, it a laser light and about fifteen fireworks better than BOB could afford.
Leary: Yep. We may get a laser pointer one of these days. It'd be a start anyway.
Bubba: Ladies and Gentlemen, here are the participants for Ring Number 1!
Skeeter: Now I'll try and tell you what i can remember about he WWF-ers during this intro bit, okay? The old memory may let me down a bit, I warn you.
ROY D. RAGE!
Skeeter: Rage was the Main Event Face of the company. He was one of the first player-handled characters and the one that always got the "Rock-sized" pop.
Leary: Any good steroid jokes off this dude?
Skeeter: I'm sure you would have come up with a few. Thanks, by the way... I'll now always think of Rage as a Scott Steiner lookalike.
Skeeter: One of Martys, creted to fill the early roster. He was... well, just a guy, really.
Leary: Fitting name then.
Skeeter: The Fumbuckers were of curse the flagrantly homosexual tag-team. Once again, Vince owes us a check for that whole "Billy and Chuck" fiasco.
Leary: Eh, I wouldn't be taking much credit for that crap. *Laugh*
Skeeter: *laugh* Yeah, good call. Keep it, Vince.
SILLICONE M. PLANTS!
Skeeter: I think we're all familiar with Sil...
MIKE THE PISSED TEEN!
Leary: *Laugh* Great name. I think I can figure THAT gimmick out.
Skeeter: The Pissed Teens were Beavis and Butthead clones... even though they sounded like drunkards to me intially.
EL JABORONIE LOCO!
Skeeter: We've already disussed this pair. Later on, we staged a Parody Invasion of a "serious" e-fed with El G., Kamikazie Ken, Lance Mayhem and "Invicible Guts Machine", who had a westerner-in-Japan gimmick. Oddly, we actually IMPROVED the standard of roleplaying in the Meatworld Wrestling Federation considerably after the 'serious" guys caught on to our style.
"COLD STONE" STEVE ROBERTS!
MIKE "THE HAMMER" COLLINS!
Skeeter: These two were a tag-team. Roberts is a pretty obvious 'homage"...
Leary: Yep. Austin is probably the most 'parodied' characters of all time.
Skeeter: For sure. I have no idea is Collins is related to Greg "The Hammer" Valentine, though.
And to make up numbers, from the STWF.. HEAD TRAUMA BOY COMA!
Leary: Duh, who dat?
Skeeter: And there's one of my guys. Coma was a combination of influences. His bizzare sentences came from Viz magazines' "Roger Irrelevant" comic strip, his silly noises from "Pinky and the Brain". Altered from "Poit!" to "Poink", to avoid litigation. Coma's tendancy to fall over a lot probably came from my own clumsyness. I walked into a dehumidifier in the dark last night while trying to avoid waking the wife.
Leary: *Laugh* Yep, funny how you'll sometimes end up being louder when you're trying to be quiet.
Skeeter: *laugh* always.
(The wrestlers walk down to the ring, or in El Gigolantes' case, limp. The crowd cheers, boos and throws stuff, depending on whos in range.)
Skeeter: Good selling by El Gigolante, huh?
Leary: I forget if it was mentioned before, but was this a independent size following the WWF had? What did you picture as a usual crowd size here?
Skeeter: Errrm, probably somewhat larger than BOB, but smaller than the STWF. I'd say it would be like a moderately-successful indy fed, especially as it had a regular venue in The Dome. Later on i moved it around a little to avoid being stale, though.
SW: Who was that last one?
SSS: We got him cheap. Anyway, he sucks, so he won't embarrass us by winning.
SW: Good. Interesting to see that the tag champs are in the same ring.
Skeeter: The Head Trauma Boys were pretty much there for comedic value, rather than racking up wins. One of the reasons I never did the win-loss page in BOB was to avoid people getting too serious.
Leary: Yep. Everyone jobs a lot in BOB regardless.
Bubba: In Ring Two.. THE MIME!
Skeeter: The Mime was a great character. Not a REAL Mime, you understand, just a fat guy who'd imitate everything you did. In all honesty, he should have been called "The Mimic".
Leary: Ah, yep. BOB and STWF had their own StreetMime. I figured WWF would have one as well.
Skeeter: StreetMime was one of DK's original jobbers. We just "picked up his contract" after the STWF folded. With DK's eventual blessing, of course.
THE GREEN MOSHEEN!
Skeeter: This was Scottys favourite in the WWF. I had no idea what his gimmick was, though... no bio page.
Leary: It's a name fit for a parody fed anyhow.
"HANDSOME" HANK HAWKINS!
Skeeter: This was our "Violent Gay Heel". I always find it slightly insulting that you can make a dude a heel by saying he's gay. And I'm a happily married man, I might add.
Leary: Well, when your entire hobby mainly built on angry teenagers, that's what you get.
Skeeter: Yeah, but let's face it, wrestlers roll about on the floor with other men, five nights a week. What's to be afraid of? "Don't try to cop a feel! Now, put your head between my thighs, I want to piledrive you."
Leary: Yep. It's a very gay sport. We could go off on a long philosophical tangent on this topic, I'm sure, but hey! We're a funny fed! Poop! See? We make you laugh.
Skeeter: *laugh* Works for me, anyhow.
GARRY "THE GURNEY" GREENE!
Skeeter: I assume Powers was an Ahmed Johnson take-off... Can't really remember him, though.
Leary: Could be. Just another dick joke waiting to happen.
Skeeter: Why am I not surprised?
THE EMBALMED GUY!
Skeeter: Yep, another "Guy" guy. Probably a forerunner to Da Man and Da Man's Friend in PWA.
Leary: Hmm...that isn't a repackaged Dead Man Not Walking from another parody fed, is it? Is he walking to the ring?
Skeeter: I'd assume so. I think he was another of Marty's roster-filler characters.
THE EXTREME JOCK!
Skeeter: Now I'll be honest here... I can't remember jack shit about the jock.
HEAD TRAUMA BOY FLATLINE!
Skeeter: This guy I can, because he's one of mine. Once again, a paper-thin Beavis and Butthead rip-off. In jest, I once accused the Pissed Teens of gimmick infringement. Their reply? "Uhh... we're not, like, brain-damaged. We're just, like, stupid."
Leary: *Laugh* That would sum it up. Poor Flatline these days. Coma has made it huge, but Flatline's just sort of been lost. He's Coma's Marty Jannetty, I guess...
Skeeter: Yeah, a bit sad, but Coma was always the more interesting character to write for.
AND.. SCOTTY WHATBODY!
SW: YOU BLEEP-ING WHAT??!!!!!
Skeeter: The first in-ring appearance by Scotty. Probably one of his last, too.
Leary: Yep, though I think I've used him a couple times lately in the ring. Most recently against Kay Fabe, which he, naturally, volunteered for...
SSS: Sorry, I forgot to tell you. We didn't have enough wrestlers to fill the ring.. off you go Scotty.. don't worry, I can call this thing by myself! Give it the old college try!
SW: Oh, you are SO dead!
Skeeter: A Battle Royal is a pretty good place to start, I feel. I mean, it's usually just punching and kicking at the start, anyway.
Leary: Yep. I think that's why the Royal Rumble remains the best battle royal. With less people in at the start, it allows a bit more offense than the World War III match ever could.
Skeeter: Much easier to tell a coherant story, too.
Bubba: And in Ring Three.. FUMBUCKER DIONTRAY!
TIM THE PISSED TEEN!
Skeeter: The other two of the tag-teams. "Diontray"... I always liked the sound of that.
Skeeter: One of Leary's favourite guys... this was BEFORE he became the Rock Impersonator, though.
Leary: Yeah, what was his original gimmick anyhow?
Skeeter: I honestly can't recall. I think he was just a wrestler who wanted to tip you over like a domino.
Skeeter: Oingo Boingo was an interesting gimmick. A three-armed ex-circus freak with one HELL of a full nelson.
Leary: *Laugh* That would be a little scary.
BARRY "THE BACKBOARD" BROWN!
THE BARBADOS SKANKS
Skeeter: The Skanks were brilliant. Two huge natives with a skinny teenage manager. He was a rich kid who wanted to be in wrestling... so he hired these two guys and bought his way into the WWF. Oddly, they had two Spanish Girls with guitars that would send the native guys into a rage if necessary. Their handler was one of the funniest guys I ever met, but he didn't stick around too long, sadly. A huge disappointment.
Leary: Sounds like a winner of a gimmick. Ah well. Too many good writers find better things to do. One day we might too, Steve. Maybe...possibly.
Skeeter: Yeah, right. I keep meaning to get a life... I hear they're quite useful.
SSS: Well, all thirty men have made it to the rings. SupeRef motions to the timekeeper..
SSS: ...AND HERE WE GO! Absolute chaos breaks out right off the bat! I'll try and call it the best I can! Right in front of me, Mishimoto San and the Domino are pounding on Diontray! Kamikazie Ken executes an Asashi Moonsault and levels Toker!
Skeeter: Yet another attempt at "Asahi" moonsault from me. I think I spelt it fourteen different ways. And each time, it was being done INTO the ring, so it was actually a Lionsault.
Leary: Aren't they the same move? Or is the Asai from the top rope instead of the middle rope?
Skeeter: Pretty much the same, but an Asahi moonsault tends to be done off the apron onto the floor. I think. Scott Keith, I ain't.
Leary: Yep. Now, when you're writing these matches, do you generally have a plan ahead of time or do you just kind of write and let the match decide who eliminates who?
Skeeter: I tend to really only know who's going to win the thing. Everything else just happens as the whim strikes me, unless I have a spot in mind for a specific person. And that's a fairly rare occurence.
The Embalmed Guy is getting pounded by Johnston Powers. The Mime is right next to them, imitating Johnston punch for punch!
Skeeter: I quite liked the gimmick of The Mime. He'd be an interesting tag-team partner, that's for sure.
Leary: Yep, I still can't get passed seeing StreetMime when I hear his name though *laugh*.
Roy D. Rage is getting double teamed by both Roberts and Collins! The tag champs are taking no chance with our former Heavyweight champ! They pick him up for a crushing double powerslam! Pissed Teen Mike and Coma are exchanging headbutts in Ring 1! Scotty Whatbody has gotten Killer Pooch down and is stomping away on him! That's the spirit, Scotty!
Leary: Go Scotty!
Skeeter: Now we never saw it, but I KNOW Scotty either kicked Pooch in the 'nads or eye-raked him.
Leary: I would hope so. He is a heel after all.
In Ring 3, Carl X is pummeling Tim, while Carl's partner Loomis is ramming Barry Browns head repeatedly into the turnbuckle! This is pure, unadultarated insanity! And it's not even a pay-per-view!
Leary: Was Carl X in the intros? I don't remember him.
Skeeter: Yep, he's a Barbados Skank. Carl X. and Loomis the Vile. That "pay-per-view' line sounds like a sly shot at WCW's last-gasp ratings ploy of throwing out huge matches on Nitro.
Leary: Oh yeah, a total Schiavone line right there.
OH! Fumbucker Leon gets a stiff-arm clothesline from El Gigolante and is blasted over the top rope! And so Leon has to suffer the indignity of being the first man eliminated!
Leary: Yep. You always have to feel like the biggest piece of crap when the bookers choose you first to be put out.
Skeeter: I'd occasionally pull names out of a hat to decide the elimination order. Otherwise you KNOW someone's going to feel hard done-by.
"Handsome" Hank has The Green Mosheen pinned in a corner now, and is standing over him, gyrating away wildly! That's not a pretty sight, I'm telling you. But The Mosheen plucks Hank up and delivers an inverted atomic drop!
Skeeter: EVERY atomic drop in the first year was done inverted! And I have no idea why. Answers on a postcard to...
Leary: I'm gonna guess you were a Sting fan at the time. There's my guess.
Skeeter: *laugh* Not guilty, your honour.
The Extreme Jock has Scotty Whatbody and The Embalmed Guy! Double noggin knocker! Back in Ring 1, the Hammer and "Cold Stone" are still double-teaming Rage. But Rage fights back like a true ex-champion!
Leary: Interesting line there...fights back like a true ex-champion. Almost a slap in the face.
Skeeter: We were really pushing Rage as the huge face, coming back from some time off. Kind of a Hogan thing, but with two more moves and slightly more mobility.
Headbutt on Collins! Elbow right between Roberts eyes! Rage picks up Collins in a firemans carry.. DEATH VALLEY DRIVER over the top rope!! Say goodnight Mike, your party's over!
Skeeter: That's kind of a cool spot. I like the Death Valley Driver, even though you're just kind of placing the guy firmly on his back.
Leary: Yep. It is odd how fans will buy certain moves over others as more devastating when they're all about the same.
Skeeter: Yeah, cough cough, biglegdrop, cough.
2 men down, 28 to go.. make that 27!! Johnston Powers is drop-kicked over the top rope by Garry Greene! The Mime shrugs and follows suit, imitating Powers tumble almost perfectly! 4 men gone now!
Leary: Wow, he is a good mime indeed. Now that's impressive.
Skeeter: I had a lot of fun with him... his match at "Barnyard Blitzkrieg" was probably the best one, but that's an entirly different commentary.
And would you believe Scotty's still in this thing! Of course, he is getting paintbrushed by The Extreme Jock, but he's lasted longer than I thought he would!
Skeeter: There's the big hint thta Sammy threw Scotty in there just to see him get pumnmeled.
Leary: Yep. If only you had mic'ed Scotty for his colorful commentary during the match. "Owww. Gahhh. Sonofa! OWWW!"
Rage is on the recieving end of a big Avalance from El Gigolante! Oingo Boingo and Kamikazie Ken execute an astonishing double hikanrana on the Domino!
Skeeter: Man, the Domino must have one HELL of a long neck, huh?
Leary: A hikanrana?
Skeeter: Yeah, terrible attempt at "hurricanrana". This must have been before I printed out the "Big List O' Moves".
The two of them working very well together.. double dropkick sends Mishimoto San reeling back.. and Stoned Toker pulls the top rope down! Mishimoto San tumbles over and he is out of here! Oingo gives Ken a trio of high-fives and then headbutts him! So much for that little partnership!
Skeeter: Put it there! And there! And there!
Carl X with an enormous Samoan Drop on Barry Brown! The Embalmed Guy gets a Swinging Neckbreaker courtesty of The Extreme Jock. The Jock scoops him up and tries to get rid of him.. he gets some help from Scotty... YES! The Embalmed Guy is history!
Skeeter: Okay, we HAVE to credit Scotty with an elimination, I think.
Leary: Man, it would have been something to have Scotty win this thing. But that probably wouldn't be fair to the roster, eh?
Skeeter: Yep. And this was AFTER Vince McMahon won the Rumble, I might add.
Meanwhile Pissed Teen Mike tries a flying forearm on The Guy! A nice last-second duck by the Guy, and Mike is gone! How many are left now? Where's the nifty on-screen graphic we were supposed to have?
(We cut to a shot of some nameless WWF flunky holding a card marked "23")
Skeeter: That guy was probably the subconcious forerunner to The Flunky. Or just a nameless flunky.
Leary: I was just about to ask if he could be yet another man stolen by BigBOSS for BOB. Say, BigBOSS didn't exist here before his BOB appearance, did he?
Skeeter: Nope, just inspired by The Boss of the WWF, I think. I was too lazy to think up an original name for my fedhead.
SSS: Better than nothing I suppose. Back to the action! Scotty Whatbody is involved in a fist-fight with Garry Greene... Garry suddenly drops to all fours.. and Head Trauma Boy Flatline uses Garrys back as a launching pad!
Skeeter: Poetry in... uhhh.. uhhh.. something. Yeah.
Big shoulderblock on Scotty! He reels back to the ropes.. and a double clothesline from Garry and Flatline sends him to the floor! A brave effort by my broadcast colleague there!
SW: *cough*.. *pant*.. You.. *hack*.. are soooooo dead...
Skeeter: Scottys blown up after, what five minutes in the ring? Remind me never to put him in an Iron Man match.
Leary: So noted.
SSS: Look out! Vertical suplex from SMP on The Guy! The Guys outstreched foot connects with Coma on the way!
Skeeter: That's a blown spot of I ever saw one...
Leary: So many flying parts, it's bound to happen. You see? This is how you can tell the WWE events are too well choreographed to the point of unbelievablility.
Skeeter: Yeah, that's it, it's not a blown spot, it's realism! I feel much better now.
El Jabaronie Loco leaps onto the ropes and springboards into Ring 2, sending Killer Pooch down with a head-scissor takedown! Well, no-one said he had to STAY in the ring he stared in! E.J Loco is all over the place! He leaps onto the turnbuckle.. jumps into Ring 3! But Kamikazie Ken was waiting and meets him with a mid-air dropkick! What action!
Skeeter: You realise we are almost certainly seeing the first Kamikazie Ken/Insano Mano spot there?
Leary: Yep indeed. My memory may be wrong, but I'm pretty sure in an undercard match at World War III, some cruiserweights ended up doing some cool spots along these lines, doing ring to ring hopping. But that wasn't during the battle royal itself. Leave it to Skeeter to do that.
Skeeter: If it's chaotic, unfilmable mayhem, I can book it!
Diontray picks up Loco and tries to eject him from the ring. He's going.. he's going... wait a minute! Barry comes up from behind and uses Diontrays own momentum to send him out along with El Jaboronie Loco! Two for the price of one! Barry waves to the crowd and turns.. just in time to get squashed between Carl X and Loomis! Barry is easily eliminated after that little taste of the Skank-wich! We're at the one-third point!
Skeeter: The Skank-Wich.. I don't think I ever re-used that name, but I should have. Sometimes I feel like Michael Cole, inventing cool names for moves, then forgetting them a week later.
Leary: Cole invented a cool name once? *Laugh* I find that hard to believe.
SW: Oh, man, my neck is never gonna be the same! You're getting my chiropracters bills, Sammy!
SSS: Oh, quit complaining! Check out the pummelling that Rage and SMP are dishing out to The Guy! I didn't even know an arm could bend like that! In the centre ring, Handsome Hank just gave Killer Pooch a Backdoor Buttslam!
Skeeter: THAT'S HIS MOVE! *laugh* Yes, that actually WAS his finisher.
Leary: Does that resemble a pumphandle slam? Or dare I ask what it really is?
Skeeter: I think I've repressed the memory of what it entailed...
SW: That's doin' it doggie-style!
SSS: And the Pooch leaps over the top rope and eliminates himself! I think he's headed for the shower before Hank can get there!
Skeeter: Whatever it was, I think Pooches reaction really sold it, though.
Leary: Yep. Doggy-style his butt.
Skeeter: I just had a weird vision of guys selling the move the way people used to react to Jake Roberts releasing "Damian".
Leary: Really? I had the same thing, except it was their reaction to Billy & Chuck. *Laugh*
Back in Ring 1, The Guy, SMP and Rage have now teamed up on El Gigolante! Can they get the 370-pounder out? They're having difficulty, due to his low center of gravity! Wait a minute, when did Carl X get eliminated?
Skeeter: Typical Battle Royal moment, there. There's pnly so many camera angles you can get at once.
Leary: Yep. It was always nice when the announcers wouldn't even bother to mention people being tossed out when you could see it happen yourself. That was my only complaint with battle royals. I need to HEAR it for it to be official.
Skeeter: "Who was that? A Bolshevik? Ahh, forget him, let's talk about Hogan some more"
SW: Beats the heck out of me... I was watching Nurse Heidi. Check THAT out!
SSS: Oh my GOD! Sorry about that mosiac pattern over Hiedis... *ahem*.. pectorials, fans. She's got everyone in Ring 1 stunned.. except SMP and Coma, that is..
Skeeter: Heidi was always more liable to do the T&A spot in the early days. She's a shade more 'liberated' now.
Leary: Ah, the good old days.
SW: Well, according to this tabloid, she's been seeing both of them, so I guess they've seen both of THOSE before..
Skeeter: Now that's a nod to a concurrent storyline in the STWF, where Heidi ditched SMP and started dating Coma. I guess she likes a man who can make her laugh.
Leary: Yep, Coma will do that, I suppose. I always thought she wanted a man who could make her scream though.
Skeeter: Trey Vincent will probably offer to take up THAT position. Thinking back, of all the guys I created, coma was probably the only one I could never turn heel. He just seemed too "cute" in character to make evil. I did a quasi-heel turn with the HTBs', but the meanest thing Coma ever did was hit people with his teddy bear.
Leary: Was it loaded with a brick at the time?
Skeeter: Nope, that was much later on. Coma just went with the soft, squidgy bear of doom.
SSS: And there goes El Gigolante, upended by SMP and Coma! That's what happens when your attention wanders like that! Meanwhile, The Green Mosheen and Flatline are trying to eliminate Toker! Handsome Hank comes in to help out.. or maybe just cop a cheap feel.. and Toker is out of it!
SW: So what's new? He's always out of it...
Skeeter: Scotty's lack of reaction to Heidi flashing seems a lot funnier these days. It'd be like Jerry Lawler discussing his taxes during a bra and panties match.
Leary: *Laugh* Yep. He has gotten a bit more colorful since then. Blue, mainly.
(We cut to the card-holding guy, who's holding up a "15" sign.)
SSS: And we're at the half-way point! Both Head Trauma Boys go to the top ropes in thier respective rings. Double flying headbutts! On each other! Are they insane? Anyway, they just eliminated themselves, so we're down to a lucky 13 wrestlers!
Skeeter: That's an evil spot, even for the HTB's. Then again, their rarely-used finisher was the 'Severe Tire Damage', where Flatline would literally superplex Coma onto people.
Leary: Ah, very nice. Though I am a bit lost how they got eliminated there.
Skeeter: Me too. Either they hit each other hard enough to fly over the top, or someone just rolled them out afterwards. I'd asume the latter.
SW: Not so lucky for Oingo Boingo! He just got back-dropped out by The Domino! Only Loomis the Vile, Kamikazie Ken and The Domino remain in Ring 3!
Skeeter: I lifted the back-drop from Randy Savage at Wrestlemania 7, I think. His match against the Ultimate Warrior. I marked out so badly when he took that bump.
Leary: Yep, always a cool spot. I've seen that a bit more common of late too, I think with either Rey Mysterio or Kidman, one of the cruiserweights. Still a very sick spot.
Skeeter: When Savage was still in his prime, my God could he sell a bump. Now he makes US sell by rapping. Times change, huh?
Leary: Ohhhh, yeah...
SSS: And the Domino is taking it to both of them. Predictably, the action in the other rings slows down so we can focus on this! Bodyslam on Ken! Bodyslam on Loomis! Standing side kick for Ken! Short Clothesline drops Loomis.. The Domino a one-man assualt force!
Skeeter: A World War III staple... one of the big names suddenly clearing his ring while everyone else just throws a few punches. I think one year they had Paul Wight toss out everyone in his ring right off the bat.
Leary: Yep. And Nash one year took out an entire ring in about two minutes.
Skeeter: That might be who I'm thinking of, actually.
He scoops up Ken for a belly-to-back suplex! Beautiful execution! He's making the old "over-the-top" sign to the crowd.. and there goes Loomis!
Skeeter: So at this stage, The Domino seems to be ripping-off Hogan rather than the Rock. Gotta move with the times, I guess.
The Domino turns his attention to Ken.. Gorilla Press!! He walks him to the ropes and tosses him over! Ken, ever the showman does a somersault and breaks a table on the way out! What a professional he is!
Leary: The Wile E. Coyote of e-fedding strikes again.
Skeeter: Ever get the feeling there's a guy on the ring crew who just follows Ken around with a shitload of tables?
Leary: Yep. Like that guy on "The Simpsons" who followed Homer around with the hot dog cart...
Skeeter: "He's putting my kids through college!" *laugh*
SW: Well, the Domino thinks he can take a rest, seeing as how he cleared his ring..
Bubba: As we now have 10 men left, all the remaining wrestlers will move to Ring 2!
Domino: Awww.. crap!
Leary: That line stayed with Domino even until the time when I hijacked the character. It always sounded funny.
Skeeter: Yep. It does make a nice "cymbal crash" to round out a joke.
SSS: Well, just ten men left.. The Domino, The Extreme Jock, Garry Greene, SMP, Handsome Hank, The Guy, Roy D. Rage, Tim...
SW: A Pissed Teen is still in?
Skeeter: Yes, he is. Mainly because I forgot about eliminating him, i think.
Leary: Yep, that'll happen in a real battle royal too. There'll be some idiot stuck in the end with the top guys in the fed. And you know he's going first.
Skeeter: Oh, yeah. I still remember an incredbly thin, young Shane Douglas hanging around in a Royal Rumble for WAY too long one year.
SSS: Feeling like a loser, Scotty? Anyway, Steve Roberts and The Green Mosheen round out the final 10!
SSS: And here we go again! Wait a minute! Here comes Birdboy!
Skeeter: First rule of Battle Royals... thirty men are never enough! Make with the run-ins!
Leary: That's right. I still remember one of the most fun Royal Rumbles had Kaientai running in every once in a while to cause havoc.
Skeeter: Until poor old TAKA landed on his head on the way out, and the producer was kind enough to show us thirty-seven replays of it.
Leary: *Laugh* That was classic Lawler calling that.
He leaps in the ring and tackles The Guy! Do you believe it?! Birdboy raining punches on The Guy now! Birdboy has the crowd firmly behind him! The noise is deafening! Birdboy grabs The Guy by the seat of his pants.. and ELIMINATES HIM!!
SW: Oh, man! YOU SUCK, BIRDBOY! BOOO!
Skeeter: I forgot what the feud was between Birdboy and The Guy, but I;m guessing it was an Austin/Vince Corporate thing...
SSS: Way to remain neutral, Scotty. Birdboy out to the apron.. FLY AWAY on The Guy!!! The Champ is taking The Guy to the cleaners! The two of them brawling their way up the aisle now! Just listen to those fans!
SW: Back in the ring, the remaining nine wrestlers are going at each other like there's no tomorrow!
Leary: Ah, smell the cliches. Taking him to the cleaners. Like there's no tomorrow.
Skeeter: The "Brawl Up The Aisle" bit always amuses me. You KNOW that the moment they're behind the curtain it's 'So, where you going for a beer tonight? How 'bout those Packers?" as they head back to the coffee machine.
SSS: Rage DDT's The Mosheen! SMP is delivering elbows repeatedly to The Domino! The Extreme Jock leaps onto the top turnbuckle.. CORKSCREW PLANCHA! Handsome Hank goes down..
SW: On who?
SSS:...to the mat after that one...
SW: Oh, good.
Skeeter: "Going Down" Joke, Variant number 34b.
Leary: Yep, it's a good one. Ewrestling is just loaded with all sorts of inneundoes that never get poked fun at.
SSS: Meanwhile, Garry drills Tim with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Hefts him up onto his shoulders. The other wrestlers are giving him lots of room so it could be something good coming up here...
Leary: The parting of the Red Sea, wrestling style!
Skeeter: *laugh* This is probably the MOST choreographed Battle Royal I ever wrote, and THAT'S saying something.
SW: Oh Yeah! Fall-away slam over the top rope!!! So long Tim!
Skeeter: Bradshaw, you may use that spot anytime you want. Try it out on Trip and hopefully fuck up his quad again.
Leary: *Laugh* I always marked out for Scott Hall when he did the fallaway slam. That and Bradshaw's top rope fallaway. Can't say I've seen it used yet to toss someone to the floor.
SSS: Garry looks exhausted, though.. he leans on the ropes to catch his breath..and here comes the Barbados Skanks back to the ring! Loomis reaches up and simply drags Garry out! And we've got a three man beat-down in progress! Loomis winds up and gives Garry a lariat from Heck! All three men stomping away now! And I don't think I have to remind you that the Jocks and the Skanks will clash at Barnyard Blitkrieg!
Skeeter: Oooh, angle development! That's a raity for me these days. And a Lariat. I must have watched an Acolytes match before writing this.
Leary: Clothesline from heck. On your best behavior as well still. Free hosting will do that to you.
Skeeter: Yep, we had a list of things a mile long that would get us kicked off the sites host. The first WWF site was on a horrible Webjump server that took up the top third of the screen with adverts. I laways felt like I needed to duck when I read the cards.
SW: But you will, anyway.. WAIT A MINUTE! Here comes Barry! He's got a chair! Neither of the Skanks have noticed him, despite the huge pop from the fans!
Leary: Yep, heels playing dumb. Always very annoying.
Skeeter: It's traditional though. You NEVER notice the attacker, even if they arrive playing their theme music.
SSS: WHAM! Carl is knocked into the middle of next week! Loomis keeps pounding Garry, being a little slower on the uptake than Carl.. Barry blasts him right over the head! Loomis keeps stomping.. but finally his body gets the message from his brain and he goes down like a ton of bricks! J.C steps in to interfere.. and Heidi takes care of that!
SW: Hope he wasn't planning a family anytime soon!
Skeeter: Loomis the Vile was kind of a human brontosaurus. Gigantic, brain the size of a walnut. Step on his tail, watch as he roars ten minutes later.
Leary: That's like a great character from the Letterman show way back. Larry Bud Mellman doing Delayed Reaction Man. Dave would ask Larry a question. No response. Ask another one and then get the answer to the first one.
Skeeter: *laugh* Nice...
SSS: Soprano City all right! And here comes security! They drag the Skanks and Jocks apart! Carl still manages to break away from the eight guys holding him and get a few more punches in! It looks like they're going to fight all the way back to the locker room! We haven't seen the last of this! Not with a Pay-per-view a week away, anyway!
Skeeter: That's a WCW spot... The fourty-eight guys that would hit the ring and STILL couldn't keep the guys apart.
Leary: Yep. Fitting for the company, though. Inferior security, inferior product.
Back in the ring, the Extreme Jock just got knocked for a loop by The Mosheen!
SW: Do you belive the Green Mosheens still in this thing! That's my boy!
Leary: He must have been Scotty's cousin, like Dustbuster Boy today.
Skeeter: As previously mentioned, I had no idea why Scotty was a Mosheen mark. That's a good theory, though. either that or he was managing him on the sly and trying to get him pushed so his cut was bigger.
SSS: The Green Mosheen drags the Jock to the ropes.. he's got him half-way over.. can he do it??
SW: C'mon Green! Go! GO!!
SSS: And the Jock is teetering.. and there he goes!
Skeeter: I have now placed the carpet directly under Scottys feet... and....
SSS: The Mosheen turns around.. and a double clothesline from Rage and Hank lifts him off his feet and out!
SW: NOOO! Rage, you BLEEP!! Son of a BLEEP!!!
Skeeter: Whip! There it goes!
Leary: It is nice when you can set up jokes like that. They usually take too much planning though.
SSS: Why don't you tell us how you really feel, Scotty? WHOA! Big powerbomb on Roberts from The Domino! Picks him up and runs him to the ropes! Simply flings him over the top! Roberts is gone! Just Rage, Hank, Plants and the Domino left!
Skeeter: That pretty much summed up the WWF upper echelon, along with Birdboy. Hank dropped out eventually, replaced by Kamikazie Ken in the Main Event spot.
Leary: That's a pretty good final foursome to have. Usually there's a fringe guy left by now, but Roberts ends that. It's anybody's ball game, folks.
Gut-wrench suplex from Plants levels Hank! The Domino gets a big knee-lift from Rage! Leg-drop! He's got the Domino prone in the center of the ring! Bunces off the ropes.. GIGANTIC splash! He's got the Domino right where he wants him! SMP is chopping away at Hank in the corner!
Skeeter: There's the typical pairing-off, although I've broken the rules badly. Heel vs heel, face vs. face here.
Leary: Yep. Plus you missed the let's team up until we turn on each other in two minutes rule.
Skeeter: I was still only learning the cliches. That's not necessarily a BAD thing, of course.
Rage drags Domino to his feet and sets him up for a whip to the buckle! Here it comes.. REVERSAL! Rage comes straight back towards Plants and Hank.. SMP drops a shoulder.. RAGE IS GONE! Backdropped out by Plants!
SW: HA! Seeya Roy! Thanks for coming!
Skeeter: Oops, repeated a spot. Well, it's not like THAT never happens in real life.
Leary: There's only so many ways to go over the top rope anyhow.
Skeeter: Yep. And you may as well repeat the GOOD spots...
SSS: Just three men left! SMP and the Domino are going at it furiously! Lefts and rights being exchanged! SMP gets his jaw jacked! Responds with a clothesline from nowhere!
Leary: Is nowhere near heck?
Skeeter: *laugh* Just a few miles west, I think. This was deliberate... they were already booked for a match the following week at 'Blitzkrieg". So, why NOT give the fans a preview.
Slingshots Domino into the buckle! SMP slaps on a cross-face chicken wing! He's literaly dragging Domino to the ropes.. can he get rid of him?
SW: Here comes Hank! He's sneaking up from behind!
Skeeter: Now, there's few places in the world I 'd like Hank less than sneaking up behind me...
Leary: *Laugh* Yep. Nothing but badness can come of this.
SSS: He sure is! Domino and Plants leaning way too far out over the ropes.. Hank strikes.. and DUMPS BOTH OF THEM OVER THE TOP! It's OVER!!!
Skeeter: That is a stupid fucking place for an exclaimation mark. Was a ringing bell THAT exciting? I think not...
Leary: The bell ringer could have been excited by the great way the match ended and rang it extra loud.
Skeeter: DING! Dude, relax...
Bubba: Here is the winner of the Battle Royal... "HANDSOME" HANK HAWKINNNNNNNNS!!!!!!!!
Skeeter: A heel wins a battle royal... what an innovator I was. *laugh*
Leary: Hmm...you know, you're right. How rare is it that a heel wins?
Skeeter: It's pretty rare... and usually you'll have a face punk him out afterwards. Brett Hart and Bad News Brown at Wrestlemania 4, for instance.
SSS: What a match! And it'll be Hank who wins the trip to Gay Paree... appropriately enough.. and will also get a World Title shot at an upcoming Tornado Thursday Night!
SW: If the Boss doesn't negate that once he finds out about this, Sammy...
Skeeter: And guess what? I don't think Hank ever DID get his shot.
Leary: Oh well. The WWF was how far away from ending here?
Skeeter: Ooh, a couple of months. Of course, everyone thought the place was going strong. It literally died overnight, with Marty booking a card, then never updating the page. Three months or so later, he sent round the "Sorry, we're closed" e-mail.
Leary: Ah, so his full burnout hadn't hit here yet.
Skeeter: Nope. He had basically handed everything writing and creative-wise over to me, which probably extended the lif by a few months. I know he did one more card at the end before it imploded.
SSS: Anyway, thanks for joining us tonight, and for Scotty Whatbody, I'm "Sellout" Sammy Smith, saying "See you at BARNYARD BLITZKRIEG!" So long, everybody!
© 2004 BOB Home Video!
1999 Whatever Wrestling Federation
Leary: Good night, Sammy.
Skeeter: And ebi-dee-ebi-dee-ebi-dee-that's all folks! Catch you later!
© 1999/2004 BOB Wrestling!