Tornado Thursday Night 7/22/99
[We pan the Interior of The Dome.. Yes, we're still at the Dome.. The same place we've been for weeks.. We've put up some banners and stuff since last week, but it's still The Dome... Oh well, never mind. Sammy and Scotty are at their usual table, wearing huge Styrofoam Cowboy hats, with the words "EZI-CHEEZE" emblazoned on them.]
SSS: WELCOME to TORNADO THURSDAY NIGHT! Brought to you tonight by "EZI-CHEEZE"! The Worlds Third-most popular canned-imitation-processed-cheese food!
SW: Tasty AND nutritious, Sammy!
SSS: Indeed! Well, we've got a spectacular show lined up for you tonight! Birdboy defends his World heavyweight Title against The Guy, fresh from his stunning defeat at the hands of SMP and The Domino last week!
SW: Explain to me again how this works? The Guy loses a match and gets a title shot? Does that mean Pigeon and Big Head Ralph get a title shot next week?
SSS: Well, anything can happen in the..
[A small man in a suit moves into shot and hands Sammy a piece of paper.]
SSS: Well, according to our lawyer, if I finish that sentence, I'll be sued. So let's just get straight down to Bubba for our first match, shall we?
Bubba: This match is scheduled for one fall, or it's metric equivalent. Introducing first, accompanied by his manager, I Can't Believe It's Not Butterbean, weighing 150 pounds.. OINGO BOINGO!
SSS: Well, here comes Oingo down to the ring. This is the first time we've seen his manager. What do you think, Scotty? A good manager, or just an excruciating pun?
SW: I'd have to see him in action, Sammy. That song's kinda catchy though.
SSS: Here comes Mishimoto San, to some even catchier Oriental hard rock. I Can't Believe It's Not Butterbean steps in his way, and we have a stare down in progress! Neither man willing to yield. OH! That's gotta hurt!
SW: ICBIN Butterbean will have a hard time retrieving THAT chopstick!
SSS: Oingo Boingo is outraged at the mistreatment of his manager. He leaps onto the ropes and launches a springboard plancha! Mishimoto goes down hard! Ongio pinwheels off the steps and delivers a crushing tornado DDT! Amazing offense by smaller man!
SW: Guess you shouldn't mess with his manager.. WOW! Nice reversal out of the Frankenstiener by Mishimoto, turning it into a Powerbomb!
SSS: Hey! I'm the play-by-play man here! Stick to inane color commentary please!
SW: *sigh* Okay. Y'know, that chick in the front row has gigantic..
SSS: On, second thoughts, just shut up and let me call the match. On third thoughts, let's talk about the upcoming title bout between The Guy and Birdboy.
SW: Why? It's going to be a screwjob fest, after all. We're less than a month from our next pay-per-view, "Barnyard Blitzkreig!" There's never any decisive winners this close to a major event. Nice move there by Mishimoto San.
SSS: So it was. Let's talk about the "YGBCIADT" title match tonight. You think THUMP SMP can THUMP snatch the gold THUMP from Kamikazie Ken? SMASH! TINKLE
SW: Hey, I was drinking that!
SSS: Oingo Boingo: Sorry, I'll go hit his head into the stairs, shall I?
SW: Thank you. Well, SMP has been given a second title shot in a week.. but this is the first time he's been in a Hardcore Match.. and I believe there's some special stipulations for this one.
SSS: Sounds good. Anyway, back to the match at hand..
SW: Oh, crap, it's over. Who won?
SSS: Well, Oingo's celebrating with ICBINB and the ringside fans are going crazy! I guess he did something really cool to win this one. Sorry, people. We'll try to stay a little more focused on the next match.
Bubba: The following match is for the "YGBCIADT" Title!
SW: What the hell? According to the script.. *ahem*.. I mean, according to my notes, the next match is supposed to be The Pissed Teens and The Barbados Skanks!
Bubba: The Pissed Teens are late. Just go with me, okay?
Bubba: This match has also been declared, A HELL IN A HOSPITAL match!
[The Crowd pops, in a confused "what-the heck-is-he-talking about" kind of way.]
Bubba: The combatants in this match.. SMP and KAMIKAZIE KEN!
SW: Hell in a Hospital? Someone please explain this to me..
[We cut to the QuiteBig-Tron, which shows us a still shot of a large hospital building. We cut to an interior shot of the same hospital. We're in the Reception Area. The swing doors burst open and Ken and Plants tumble out. Ken has a large bandage wrapped around his neck, and SMP is trying to strangle him with it.]
SW: Okay, I get it. Kind of like a boiler room match, only bigger.
SSS: Well, we're just getting word that this match was proposed by SMP just a few hours ago, and Ken accepted straight away. Look at the two of them go at it! Ken finally snaps that bandage Plants was using and goes on the offensive, hiptossing him onto a gurney! Grabs a crutch off a nearby patient and begins whaling away with it!
SW: I think we've got a lawsuit on our hands from that guy with the crutch. Someone help him up, PLEASE!
SSS: Ken grabs the gurney and pushes it straight towards the reception desk. SMP on a ride to nowhere! WHAM!! Nice somersault over the desk from the Doctor!
SW: Yup! The doctor is IN.. trouble, that is..
SSS: Well, as usual Scotty, you're about as funny as an impacted wisdom tooth, but I better chuckle along and keep the illusion up. WHOA! SMP smashes a pot plant over Kens noggin! Grabs the phone and adds yet more cranial trauma to Kens already-abused skull! Check out the skills from SMP. Swinging the telephone receiver like a bola! Ken taking a battering!
SW: Ken needs to mount some offense.. but he's in SMP's backyard now! Look Out! Plants grabs the coffee pot! OH!! No cream, no sugar! That's taking it like a man, Ken!
SSS: Kenny shakes off the effects of that and staggers around looking for a weapon! He's got an orderlies clipboard! Paintbrushes SMP with it! They lock up and fight their way through the doors into the ER! This is going to get brutal, folks!
[The camera follows the two into a typical ER-type set. Dozens of way-too-good-looking doctors are running around shouting things. Incomprehensible things like "Coffeeandchocolatedonut, STAT!"]
SSS: Ken drop-kicks SMP over a table! Leaps to his feet and begins ramming the smooth Operators head into one of those heart machines that goes "Ping"! Kens not done yet! He seizes one of those elctro-shock thingees and charges it up!
SW: Glad to see you researched this match before calling it, Sammy...
SSS: Hey, the Ambulance Jockeys may know what it's called, but I sure as hell don't. Look out! Ken's moving in with the shocky-thing!
SSS: Oh Baby! He just jump-started SMP! I bet he got a charge out of that!
SW: Shocking pun, Sammy..
SSS: Just keeping up with "current" events, Scotty. Ken makes the cover! Wait a minute, do we have a referee for this match? Oh, good, a jittery intern has stepped in to make the count! 1..2.. kickout by Plants. Ken scoops him up and delivers a bodyslam on the floor. Legdrop! The Hard-core luchador in control again! He bounds onto a gurney and executes an Asashi moonsault! SMP just rolls away at the last second and Ken meets the hard, unforgiving ground! Plants covers.. kickout at 2.. The two men begin trading lefts and rights now as they move into the corridor.
SW: And right into an elevator. Who knows where they'll end up, now..
SSS: Certainly not our cameraman, who wasn't game enough to get in there with them. Guess we'll come back to that one later. In the meantime, lets return to the ring for the Teens/Skanks matchup! The Skanks are in the ring, but there's still no sign of the former Tag Team Champs! Where could they be?
[We cut to a shot of the Pissed Teens watching TV.]
Mike: Huh huh huh.. this show is cool.
Tim: No it isn't. This sucks! Turn it over!
Mike: No way, dude. That chick might like.. get naked or something.
Tim: Oh, yeah.. that would be cool... heh heh heh..
[They watch the TV for a few moments. We cut between them, the ring and the morgue of the hospital, where SMP and Kamikazie Ken are slamming each other into the refrigerator door.]
Mike: Uhhh.. actually, you're right. This does suck.
[He changes the channel to show a picture of themselves from the live feed.]
Mike: Uhh.. this sucks even worse. This is just two ugly guys on a couch. No-one would watch this.
Tim: No, no.. this is cool.. It's these two guys right.. and they're like "Ya wanna do stuff" and the other one's like "No let's just stay on the couch" and stuff.. heh heh heh.. cool..
Mike: You buttmunch..
[He starts slapping Tim around. The on-screen Mike does the same.]
Mike: Hey, this show just got better.. check it out, Tim..
SSS: Well, I think SupeRef is beginning the count-out on the Pissed teens now..
SW: Good call. They're never going to remember about the match.. seven, eight, nine.. and it's over..
Bubba: The winners of this match, due to a forfeit.. THE BARBADOS SKANKS!
SW: Well, at least we can lose those Spanish Girls with the acoustic guitars now... the crowd seemed to be tiring of that 12-minute long version of "Hey Jude" they were playing.
Bubba: Tornado Thursday Night continues with this one fall match, with an 11 minute time-limit. Introducing first, from Orlando, Florida, weighing in at 295 pounds.. the former WWF Heavyweight Champion... ROY D. RAGE!
[The instrumental version of Thunderstruck plays as Roy runs to the ring, tassles a-fluttering. He leaps into the ring, snagging himself on the turnbuckle. We cut away from the ring, not wanting the former champs plight to be broadcast to his dwindling fan-base.]
Bubba: And his opponent.. from his mom's place.. "HANDSOME" HANK HAWKINS!
[Hank makes his way to the ring, as trash rains down from the stands. He almost gets beaned by a paper cup, but no biggie.]
SSS: Well, both men in the ring now, and with only an 11-minute time limit, this should be a fast-paced matchup!
SW: It better be.. we need all the time we can to set up the Jell-O pit for the Ambulance Jockeys/Fumbuckers encounter. Check out the face paint on Hank!
SSS: Looks like the Avon factory just exploded! Roy attempting to get the fans behind him now.. Hank attacks him from the backside..
SW: Surprise, surprise.. like he's never done THAT before..
SSS: Hank's dragging Roy head first to the buckle..
Crowd: One! Two! Three! Four!!
SSS: Guess we really are running short of time.
SW: Hey, six turnbuckle shots saved could be all the difference, Sammy. Roy whipped to the ropes for a Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig back body drop!
SSS: I like that.. let me try it! Roy's down.. and there's a biiiiiiig reverse chinlock from Hank! And a biiiiiiiiiiiiig spinning toehold!
SW: Tell me again how you got this job, Sammy?
SSS: My sister's married to the producer... That's also the reason my paycheque is bigger than yours.
SSS: Hank is all over Roy! Gut-wrench suplex! Backbreaker! Neckbreaker! Testicle Breaker!
SW: That's a new one..
SSS: Whip to the buckle from Hank.. Roy bounces out and NAILS Hank with a big.. sorry ..a biiiiiiiig lariat! Scoops up Hank for a Death Valley Driver. Plants him!
[The director mistakenly takes this as cue to return to the Sillicone M. Plants/Kamikazie Ken match. We cut to the hospital, where SMP and Ken are drinking coffee and talking. We cut back just as quickly.]
SSS: Gut-wrench suplex from Rage! Backbreaker! Neckbreaker! Testicle Breaker!
SW: That's a ne.. wait, what page of the script are we on?
SSS: Oh, sorry, we're up to page seven, aren't we? I thought this match was getting repetitive fast.. Spinning Heel kick from Rage drops Hank to the canvas! Roy scoops him up and slaps on a bearhug!
Hank: Oooh! I'll give you half an hour to let go!
SSS: Rage lets go quickly, looking disgusted! He clotheslines Hank to the ground and executes a mammoth guillotine legdrop! The former champ well in control! He's going to the outside.. He's at the top... SHOOTING STAR PRESS!!! I've never seen Rage use that before!
SW: And I've never seen anyone miss by that much before!
SSS: Roy is hurt! Hank drags him over to the corner. Oh my God! Hank's going for a 300-pond Bronco Buster!
Roy: Oh, Good Lord, NOOOOO!!!!
SSS: Rage is tapping out! He's tapping out!!! What an upset!! Hank gets the victory, and that's gotta shoot him WAY up in the rankings!
SW: Maybe he'll even get a title shot at "Barnyard Blitkrieg"! But probably not..
SSS: Well, as our ring crew moves in to set up the Jell-O pit, let's take you back to the hell in a Hospital match!
[We cut back to the hospital. SMP has Ken in a headlock. They both are standing perfectly still.]
Offscreen Voice: Three... two.. one.. ACTION!
[They begin grappling wildly.]
SSS: Unbelievable action here! Do you think we can edit that blooper out before we go to air, Scotty?
SW: *ahem*.. this LIVE broadcast is brought to you in part by EZI-CHEEZE!
SSS: Oh, right.. yeah. Well folks, these two are still going at it! That laboratory will never be the same! A tray of blood samples goes crashing to the floor as they grapple! Plants grabs a vial of.. well, some type of fluid, anyway and hurls it at Ken! Ken ducks and overturns a tray full of surgical equipment for no readily apparent reason.. this is just an orgy of destruction here!
SW: And the hospital staff seem to have had enough! They're mobbing both Plants and Ken! Good Grief! Two helpless pro wrestlers are being mugged by enraged medical practitioners here! I've never seen anything like it!
SSS: And here comes an anaesthetist! Is he..? Yes he is!! He's ANETHATISING BOTH OF THEM! They're both down and in dreamland! The intern is declaring it a no-contest!
SW: Told you... too close to a pay-per-view.. and besides, my sources tell me SMP gets yet another title shot at Barnyard Blitzkreig...
SSS: Three Title shots in three appearances? The man's ego will take over the world and destroy us all!
SW: Not if he ends up 0-3...
SSS: This is true.. we'll just have to wait 2 weeks.. or there abouts.. for the chance to see if he finally gets his hands on the gold! Anyway, on to the Jell-O Pit match! The Fumbuckers on their way to the ring, followed not-to-closely by The Ambulance Jockeys, who have found some all-over luge outfits for the match.
SW: Closest thing to a full-body condom they could get, I guess...
SSS: The bell rings and we're under way! Tell me, are there any particular rules for a Jell-O pit match, or do all four guys just beat up each other until someone gets pinned?
SW: That was my understanding of it.
SSS: Fine, just checking.. Diontray and Barry mixing it up in one corner, while Garry executes a drop toe-hold on Leon for comedic purposes! Leon takes a header into the Jell-O!
SW: Man, I hate Jello..
SSS: Oh, come on, there's always room for...
[The lawyer moves back into shot.]
SSS: Oh, we'll get sued for that one as well? Nuts. And I didn't even LIKE 'Ghostbusters II'. Anyway, there's almost too much action to call here, so let's talk about the upcoming Pay-per..
SW: Oh, no you don't! We already did that during Oingos match! Barry and Leon exchanging headbutts now, while Garry gets an enormous Diontray Driver into the Jell-O! Now was that too difficult to call?
SSS: Diontray Driver?
SW: Like a Juvi-Driver, only much, much sillier..
SSS: Right. Powerbomb from Barry! he goes for the cover, but unfortunatly he can't find Leon in the mountain of Lime jell-O! This is getting messy! Heidis on the edge of the pit yelling encouragement to her boys! Diontray chops Garry! Barry chops Diontray! Leon pops up out of the flavoured gelatine dessert and chops Barry! Garry leaps over and Bulldogs Leon right back down again! Wait a minute, someones on his way to the ring!
SW: An interference already? Geez, I hate pay-per view set-ups...
SSS: It's J.C Brawley and the Barbados Skanks! They're surrounding Heidi! What is going on? The Jocks are still up to their waists in Jell-O, so she's on her own.. Brawley is saying something to Heidi that I can't make out, although the had gestures he's making are pretty self-explanitory.
SW: Do you believe the grapefruits on Brawley to talk to her like that! How's she gonna react??
SSS: GOOD LORD! A Heidi-kanrana on Brawley, that's how!! He flies into the Pit! The Skanks advance on Heidi and she dives into the pit to escape them!
SW: YEAHHHHH! Heidis in the Jell-O! Now if that chick from "Titanic" was in there too, that dream I had last week would have come true!
SSS: Lovely, Scotty.. All six men duking it out now! OH! HIEDIBOMB on LEON!! HEIDIBOMB!!! Barry pins!!! 1..2...3!!!!
SW: The Jocks win it.. somehow.. but the fight is still going on.. and here comes The BOSS!
Boss: I just wanted to say that though the Jocks beat the Fumbuckers, the poster for "Barnyard Blitkrieg have already been printed. Therefore.. the tag team title shot goes to.. THE FUMBUCKERS!
Garry: What??!! And what do we get for beating them?
Boss: You get.. to wrestle for the number One contendership.. against.. wait for it... THE BARBADOS SKANKS!
Barry: Big, fat, hairy deal, BOSS...
BOSS: Shut the hell up, Barry!
Barry: Nice comeback..
SSS: Well, let's go to our main event.. as soon as we get the Jocks and the Skanks out of the ring that is... C'mon guys! We're running behind! Get your butts in the back! No, get away from the table! Don't touch that..
[Static fills the screen.. we cut to a sombre looking announcer in a studio. A publicity shot of Birdboy and The Guy standing face-to-face is on the wall behind him.]
SSS: We apologise for the loss of our live feed. Instead, here is some still pictures of the Birdboy/Guy mtach, accompianed by some light music from John Tesh. Umm... there's Birdboy doing a moonsault.. there's The Guy putting a reverse chinlock on Birdboy.. sorry, the pictures are so fuzzy. Umm.. that looks like an inziguri, but I'm not sure who delivered it.. and there's the screwjob ending as The Bookerman hits The Guy with the bell. Why, I'm not sure... but he did. So, Birdboy retains the title after the DQ, and once again, our apologies for not being able to bring you the match in full. So till next time, from the WWF, be good to yourselves.. and to each...
[The lawyer walks into the studio and hands the announcer a writ from Jerry Springer, citing catchprhase violation. We fade out.]
© 2004 BOB Home Video!
1999 Whatever Wrestling Federation