Skeeter: Hey, welcome back! This is Steve "Skeeter' Skeet, Whatever Wrestling Federation's "Ghostwriter", and along for the ride is John "Da Webguy" Leary...
Leary: That's right. So buckle up kiddies, we're about to take a trip back in time. To a simpler time we like to call 1999.
Tornado Thursday Night 7/22/99
Skeeter: 1999. It was a good year. For cheese.
Leary: Would you like a little wine to go with your cheese...wait...that's supposed to be cheese with your whine, isn't it? Oh whatever!
[We pan the Interior of The Dome.. Yes, we're still at the Dome.. The same place we've been for weeks.. We've put up some banners and stuff since last week, but it's still The Dome... Oh well, never mind.
Leary: Saturday Night was at the same arena for four weeks in a row, weren't they?
Skeeter: Yep. I was getting sick of The Dome, quite frankly. My later WWF cards would emenate from a couple of different arenas. Kind of a forerunner to BOB's nation-crossing tour.
Sammy and Scotty are at their usual table, wearing huge Styrofoam Cowboy hats, with the words "EZI-CHEEZE" emblazoned on them.]
SSS: WELCOME to TORNADO THURSDAY NIGHT! Brought to you tonight by "EZI-CHEEZE"! The Worlds Third-most popular canned-imitation-processed-cheese food!
Leary: One of the strangest inventions of modern man.
Skeeter: Now, I have to tell you, i thought I was incredibly brilliant and funny inventing this bizarre food-product called 'Ezi-Chees". Not being an American, I was kind of blown away to find out there really WAS a thing called 'Easy Cheese".
Leary: Yep. I'd be blown away if I knew anybody who ate it.
SW: Tasty AND nutritious, Sammy!
SSS: Indeed! Well, we've got a spectacular show lined up for you tonight! Birdboy defends his World heavyweight Title against The Guy, fresh from his stunning defeat at the hands of SMP and The Domino last week!
Skeeter: I've got no idea when that happened. I'm assuming the dates of these cards have gotten completely bollixed in the last four years, and we're commentating them out of sequence. Like it really matters...
Leary: Hmm...did they eliminate him in the battle royal maybe?
Skeeter: Might have been another card entirely, for all I can remember.
SW: Explain to me again how this works? The Guy loses a match and gets a title shot? Does that mean Pigeon and Big Head Ralph get a title shot next week?
Skeeter: That seems to indicate it was AFTER the battle royal card, though, with Barry's w\in over those two. Maybe a card between both was lost.
Leary: Yep, must be. Lost in cyberspace.
Skeeter: Danger, danger Webguy Robinson! *laugh* I remember I getting frustrated at Marty's booking, occasionally. Booking title shots despite the champ booked in a defense at a PPV three weeks later, that kind of thing
SSS: Well, anything can happen in the..
[A small man in a suit moves into shot and hands Sammy a piece of paper.]
SSS: Well, according to our lawyer, if I finish that sentence, I'll be sued. So let's just get straight down to Bubba for our first match, shall we?
Leary: Yep. There's a sentence you'll never hear these days, complete or uncompleted...
Skeeter: Yep, the Panda will sue THEM!
Bubba: This match is scheduled for one fall, or it's metric equivalent. Introducing first, accompanied by his manager, I Can't Believe It's Not Butterbean, weighing 150 pounds.. OINGO BOINGO!
Skeeter: I've re-used that "metric equivalent" gag more times than I care to count.
Leary: First time I've noticed it.
Skeeter: It's made a few BOB appearances, though...
SSS: Well, here comes Oingo down to the ring. This is the first time we've seen his manager. What do you think, Scotty? A good manager, or just an excruciating pun?
SW: I'd have to see him in action, Sammy. That song's kinda catchy though.
Skeeter: I'd never actually seen Butterbean before I wrote this. So he basically didn't do anything except stand outside the ring like any normal manager...
Leary: That sounds about right for him. He didn't do anything for me, ever. Or the ratings.
Skeeter: Or Bart Gunns career. And by the way, Vince... if you've got a southpaw with a knock-out punch, you COULD have dubbed him the "Left-Handed Gunn". Just a thought.
Leary: I'm still waiting for that big Bart Gunn push...
Skeeter: Keep waiting, brother...
SSS: Here comes Mishimoto San, to some even catchier Oriental hard rock. I Can't Believe It's Not Butterbean steps in his way, and we have a stare down in progress! Neither man willing to yield. OH! That's gotta hurt!
SW: ICBIN Butterbean will have a hard time retrieving THAT chopstick!
Skeeter: There's a visual for you...
Leary: So very wrong.
SSS: Oingo Boingo is outraged at the mistreatment of his manager. He leaps onto the ropes and launches a springboard plancha! Mishimoto goes down hard! Ongio pinwheels off the steps and delivers a crushing tornado DDT! Amazing offense by smaller man!
Skeeter: I've always liked writing for cruiserweights. That's probably where Seth Harker ariginated from... someone who could hit the kind of crazy spots I was seeing in WCW by Mexican wreslters Bischoff couldn't give a shit about.
Leary: Yep. Poor bastards still can't get past being squashed by bigger guys or curtain jerking though.
SW: Guess you shouldn't mess with his manager.. WOW! Nice reversal out of the Frankenstiener by Mishimoto, turning it into a Powerbomb!
SSS: Hey! I'm the play-by-play man here! Stick to inane color commentary please!
SW: *sigh* Okay. Y'know, that chick in the front row has gigantic..
Leary: I see signs of the Scotty I love there.
Skeeter: Yep, when your attention wanders, scope out the crowd for chicks in skimpy clothes.
SSS: On, second thoughts, just shut up and let me call the match. On third thoughts, let's talk about the upcoming title bout between The Guy and Birdboy.
Skeeter: It's almost a rule in wrestling... ignore the match and shill the Main Event. Then ignore the Main Event and plug the Pay-Per-View. This is pretty much a Michael Cole moment these days. In '99, I was probably doing Schivonne and Hudson.
Leary: Easily. Hype hype hype.
SW: Why? It's going to be a screwjob fest, after all. We're less than a month from our next pay-per-view, "Barnyard Blitzkreig!" There's never any decisive winners this close to a major event. Nice move there by Mishimoto San.
Leary: Hmm...now I think this show came before the last show.
Skeeter: Very possibly. The site was so mangled by the end, it could have been anywhere. I love Scottys generic commentary, there. "Nice move". Could have been a piledriver or a plancha...
Leary: Cole learned well from Scotty. Thanks for reading, Michael.
SSS: So it was. Let's talk about the "YGBCIADT" title match tonight. You think THUMP SMP can THUMP snatch the gold THUMP from Kamikazie Ken? SMASH! TINKLE
SW: Hey, I was drinking that!
SSS: Oingo Boingo: Sorry, I'll go hit his head into the stairs, shall I?
Skeeter: This is like WWF RAW for the visually impaired. Just take a guess at what they're doing to each other, folks.
Leary: Tinkle has me stumped...
Skeeter: Don't panic, that wasn't a pee-pee gag. They wouldn't start until Urine joined BOB.
SW: Thank you. Well, SMP has been given a second title shot in a week.. but this is the first time he's been in a Hardcore Match.. and I believe there's some special stipulations for this one.
SSS: Sounds good. Anyway, back to the match at hand..
Skeeter: My usual blown-off match. I mean, who really cares about the curtain jerkers? Toss 'em out a face-led squash to get he crowd amped is my thinking. Lucky I'm not a booker, huh?
Leary: Yep. Unless you got in good with the bosses daughter, then you could do whatever you want.
SW: Oh, crap, it's over. Who won?
SSS: Well, Oingo's celebrating with ICBINB and the ringside fans are going crazy! I guess he did something really cool to win this one. Sorry, people. We'll try to stay a little more focused on the next match.
Skeeter: That acronym spells "Ick Binbi"... sounds like he's Iraqi by descent.
Bubba: The following match is for the "YGBCIADT" Title!
SW: What the hell? According to the script.. *ahem*.. I mean, according to my notes, the next match is supposed to be The Pissed Teens and The Barbados Skanks!
Bubba: The Pissed Teens are late. Just go with me, okay?
Skeeter: I really should have pushed that as the WWF slogan. "It'll be the greatest Pay-Per-View in... ahhh, whatever."
Leary: It's no worst than "It's Out There!"
Skeeter: What, the Truth? I want to believe, honest!
Bubba: This match has also been declared, A HELL IN A HOSPITAL match!
[The Crowd pops, in a confused "what-the heck-is-he-talking about" kind of way.]
Leary: Ah yes, there were some great gimmick matches in the WWF. This was a rather good one.
Skeeter: Incidently, that's the same type of pop you get at a Joe Cocker concert. "Yayy... Now what was he talking about?".
Bubba: The combatants in this match.. SMP and KAMIKAZIE KEN!
SW: Hell in a Hospital? Someone please explain this to me..
Skeeter: The mis-spelling of "Kamikaze" was an actual mis-spelling, by the way. I just never bother to correct it once I was told by DK.
Leary: I figured it was like how some people but z's instead of s's in their names to sound tougher.
Skeeter: Remarkably, the "Main Event" video game actually spelt it right, and that was Japanese....
[We cut to the QuiteBig-Tron, which shows us a still shot of a large hospital building. We cut to an interior shot of the same hospital. We're in the Reception Area. The swing doors burst open and Ken and Plants tumble out. Ken has a large bandage wrapped around his neck, and SMP is trying to strangle him with it.]
SW: Okay, I get it. Kind of like a boiler room match, only bigger.
Skeeter: There's an indication of how big the WWF was meant to be. Not a Jumbo-Tron, but a heck of a lot better than the 14-inch, black-and-white BOB-tron.
Leary: Well, the WWF was supposedly airing on the WB, wasn't it?
Skeeter: Possibly, although I always aimed for a kind of "regional" feel to it..
Leary: Ahh. I was just theorizing if the WWF had better funding than BOB being on public access most of it's life, that could have explained it.
Skeeter: Yep, although I think the League of Armenian Beggars and Street Urchins has better funding than BOB...
SSS: Well, we're just getting word that this match was proposed by SMP just a few hours ago, and Ken accepted straight away. Look at the two of them go at it!
Skeeter: I'm almost certain this one was my original idea. I just figured it'd be cool to have a guy with a medical gimmick fighting on his "home turf', so to speak. I remember J was pretty happy with how it turned out.
Leary: Yep. This was one of the Ken matches that stood out for me. This would be one of my top 5 favorite Ken matches. Of course, not as high as Insano Mano/Ken from Pay-Per-View, but this one's still up there.
Skeeter: Yep, that one was a CLASSIX, all right. Can't wait to do the commentary for that one.
Ken finally snaps that bandage Plants was using and goes on the offensive, hiptossing him onto a gurney! Grabs a crutch off a nearby patient and begins whaling away with it!
SW: I think we've got a lawsuit on our hands from that guy with the crutch. Someone help him up, PLEASE!
Skeeter: In case you didn't spot him, that's a cameo from INSANO PATIENT-O! Possibly. I love re-writing my own history.
Leary: *Laugh* He must have been injured from a backyard fed.
SSS: Ken grabs the gurney and pushes it straight towards the reception desk. SMP on a ride to nowhere! WHAM!! Nice somersault over the desk from the Doctor!
Skeeter: Nice bump. I'd hope we padded the floor, though.
Leary: Putting the ER in hardcoER.
Skeeter: *laugh* That's a gag you can only do on a visual commentary.
SW: Yup! The doctor is IN.. trouble, that is..
SSS: Well, as usual Scotty, you're about as funny as an impacted wisdom tooth, but I better chuckle along and keep the illusion up.
Skeeter: Another line stolen from "The Wired World of Sports". But I'd pay to see a commentator snap and shoot on their fellow announcer one day. "Shut the FUCK up about puppies, you bastard!"
WHOA! SMP smashes a pot plant over Kens noggin! Grabs the phone and adds yet more cranial trauma to Kens already-abused skull! Check out the skills from SMP. Swinging the telephone receiver like a bola! Ken taking a battering!
Leary: You know what I picture Ken being in the future? You ever seen the movie "Hot Shots"?
Skeeter: Many times...
Leary: I picture Ken being that president character. With all those replaced body parts. Lloyd Bridges.
Skeeter: Robo-Ken! "I'll be back to hurt myself in an amusing fashion."
SW: Ken needs to mount some offense.. but he's in SMP's backyard now! Look Out! Plants grabs the coffee pot! OH!! No cream, no sugar! That's taking it like a man, Ken!
Skeeter: Now, when Americans say "cream", they mean that non-dairy creamer, right?
Leary: You're asking a non-coffee drinker. But I believe so, yeah.
Skeeter: You see, I work the bar in a tourist attraction. The number of Americans I've had to explain the mysteries of espresso to is amazing. "A cappa-what-a-chino"?. *sigh*
SSS: Kenny shakes off the effects of that and staggers around looking for a weapon! He's got an orderlies clipboard! Paintbrushes SMP with it! They lock up and fight their way through the doors into the ER! This is going to get brutal, folks!
Skeeter: There's my long-term strategy for Hardcore Matches. When you run out of ideas for weapons, move to another location and find some new ones.
Leary: Yep. That's how most specialty hardcore brawls end up.
The camera follows the two into a typical ER-type set. Dozens of way-too-good-looking doctors are running around shouting things. Incomprehensible things like "Coffeeandchocolatedonut, STAT!"]
Skeeter: I never watched "ER". An overly-graphic episode of "MASH" makes me want to hurl. As for the medical documentaries my wife watches? Ick...
Leary: Yep, even those bloody shots and opened up bodies make me switch the channel.
SSS: Ken drop-kicks SMP over a table! Leaps to his feet and begins ramming the smooth Operators head into one of those heart machines that goes "Ping"! Kens not done yet! He seizes one of those elctro-shock thingees and charges it up!
SW: Glad to see you researched this match before calling it, Sammy...
Skeeter: That's probably a little inside joke at J's expense. He was well-versed in medical jargon. I sure as hell wasn't, though.
Leary: For those playing at home, that would be a heart monitor and a crash cart, I believe.
Skeeter: It's also a Monty Python refernce, with the 'Machine that Goes PING!".
SSS: Hey, the Ambulance Jockeys may know what it's called, but I sure as hell don't. Look out! Ken's moving in with the shocky-thing!
Skeeter: Someone has to shout that, yeah? Total medical drama cliche...
Leary: When in a hospital, do as the dramatic doctors would do.
SSS: Oh Baby! He just jump-started SMP! I bet he got a charge out of that!
SW: Shocking pun, Sammy..
SSS: Just keeping up with "current" events, Scotty.
Skeeter: Boo! Booo! Those puns suck!
Leary: The atmospher is electric tonight!
Skeeter: So does that that one... *laugh*
Ken makes the cover! Wait a minute, do we have a referee for this match? Oh, good, a jittery intern has stepped in to make the count! 1..2.. kickout by Plants.
Leary: Did the WWF only have one referee as well, that SupeRef fellow?
Skeeter: Yep, just the one. He had to be pretty bump-resistant, otherwise we were screwed. The ref here is a guy inspired by 'Intern Man' in the STWF. J always had him jittery as hell, due to his own experiences with 18-hour plus shifts as an EMT.
Leary: Yep, lots of coffee, barely any sleep. It's the American medical system. No wonder there are so many lawsuits.
Ken scoops him up and delivers a bodyslam on the floor. Legdrop! The Hard-core luchador in control again! He bounds onto a gurney and executes an Asashi moonsault!
Skeeter: Three weeks on the job and I STILL hadn't spelt that move correctly.... considering how often I used it, I should have had it right buy now.
Leary: Ah, one day that move will come back to haunt you.
SMP just rolls away at the last second and Ken meets the hard, unforgiving ground!
Skeeter: Sammy was such a cliche-spouter. I could have written matches in advance and just pasted the names of the guys in, I think.
Leary: Yep, I can only think Gorilla Monsoon with all these cliches. Though I honestly can't remember Gorilla's play-by-play too well anymore.
Skeeter: Gorillas was one of my favourites, so it's not surprising that he can be heard in Sammy. Gorilla and Bobby Heenan together was the best team the WWF ever had. I'm surprised Gorilla was able to sty in character as well as he did...
Plants covers.. kickout at 2.. The two men begin trading lefts and rights now as they move into the corridor.
SW: And right into an elevator. Who knows where they'll end up, now..
SSS: Certainly not our cameraman, who wasn't game enough to get in there with them. Guess we'll come back to that one later.
Skeeter: This is probably one of the first times I did this... write myself into having two matches running simultaneously.
Leary: A spontaneous hardcore brawl that doesn't have another camera waiting where the action is going. Oddly, in a parody fed, this bit makes some actual sense.
Skeeter: This is true. I mean, does Vince simply station fifteen cameramen all over an arena, just in case the walk-and-brawl turns up in thatparticualr spot? Yeah, right...
In the meantime, lets return to the ring for the Teens/Skanks matchup! The Skanks are in the ring, but there's still no sign of the former Tag Team Champs! Where could they be?
Skeeter: I think I dismissed this as a time-filler match when i wrote the card. The Skanks were getting pushed, the Pissed Teens had stopped roleplaying. I could have written a squash, but where's the fun in that?
Leary: And yet, the Skanks look like they are being set up here to be squashed, getting the jobber arrival and all.
We cut to a shot of the Pissed Teens watching TV.]
Mike: Huh huh huh.. this show is cool.
Tim: No it isn't. This sucks! Turn it over!
Skeeter: Okay,who HASN'T spotted the reference here?
Mike: No way, dude. That chick might like.. get naked or something.
Tim: Oh, yeah.. that would be cool... heh heh heh..
Skeeter: I was SO fucked off with "Beavis and Butthead" at this stage. The show was held back for months as people complained about it in advance, and when it finally arrived on kiwi TV.... boring, boring, show.
Leary: Yep, but sadly, a window into American life. We love to embrace stupidity over here. Myself included. I liked the show at the time, but in all fairness, I was in high school.
Skeeter: Yep, and by the time it came out here, I was probably too old to enjoy it.
[They watch the TV for a few moments. We cut between them, the ring and the morgue of the hospital, where SMP and Kamikazie Ken are slamming each other into the refrigerator door.]
Skeeter: "Keep it down, we're trying to be dead in here!"
Skeeter: I hate death... I can actually trigger a panic attack in myself by thinking about it too long. If I go senile at 80, don't try to cure me, thanks. I'll be quite happy thinking I'm a banana.
Leary: I hope Death didn't hear that. He might take offense, Steve.
Skeeter: No offense, Big Guy. "TOUCH OF DEATH!". Thud.
Mike: Uhhh.. actually, you're right. This does suck.
[He changes the channel to show a picture of themselves from the live feed.]
Mike: Uhh.. this sucks even worse. This is just two ugly guys on a couch. No-one would watch this.
Skeeter: Ooh, smell the subtle sarcasm from Skeeter.
Tim: No, no.. this is cool.. It's these two guys right.. and they're like "Ya wanna do stuff" and the other one's like "No let's just stay on the couch" and stuff.. heh heh heh.. cool..
Mike: You buttmunch..
Skeeter: Now, "Buttmuch" is a wayne-ism, right? That was stupidity I liked, y'know? Headbanging to Queen, the word "Schwinggg!", that kind of stupid.
Leary: Nope, I think I first heard that on Beavis & Butt-head, actually.
Skeeter: Oh, okay. Denied.
Leary: I'm just trying to imagine hearing Mike Myers say buttmunch as Wayne now. *Laugh*
[He starts slapping Tim around. The on-screen Mike does the same.]
Mike: Hey, this show just got better.. check it out, Tim..
SSS: Well, I think SupeRef is beginning the count-out on the Pissed teens now..
Skeeter: SupeRefs' major advantage over the Generic Ref... better counting skills.
Leary: And the name, of course.
Skeeter: Yep, he really needed a heroic fanfare or something.
SW: Good call. They're never going to remember about the match.. seven, eight, nine.. and it's over..
Bubba: The winners of this match, due to a forfeit.. THE BARBADOS SKANKS!
SW: Well, at least we can lose those Spanish Girls with the acoustic guitars now... the crowd seemed to be tiring of that 12-minute long version of "Hey Jude" they were playing.
Skeeter: That's a private joke... The Muzak system at the casino I worked at once played a Spanish Guitar version of "Hey Jude". Jose Felliciano, I think. At the end, I swear to god, a ten-minute-long guitar solo. Trying to deal high-stakes baccart and prevent yourself from cracking up is hard work.
Leary: *Laugh* You are a very strong man, my friend.
Skeeter: It was a fun day...
Bubba: Tornado Thursday Night continues with this one fall match, with an 11 minute time-limit. Introducing first, from Orlando, Florida, weighing in at 295 pounds.. the former WWF Heavyweight Champion... ROY D. RAGE!
Leary: An 11 minute time limit?
Skeeter: That's a fairly random limit, i'll admit. I'm sure there was a good reason for it. Or not. *laughs*
[The instrumental version of Thunderstruck plays as Roy runs to the ring, tassles a-fluttering. He leaps into the ring, snagging himself on the turnbuckle. We cut away from the ring, not wanting the former champs plight to be broadcast to his dwindling fan-base.]
Skeeter: Rage has a touch of Ultimate Warrior Syndrome by now. Time to retire, but try telling him that...
Leary: Roy asked his Nation to speak to him, and received nothing but silence, eh?
Skeeter: Oh well, at least it means he'll be cheap if BOB ever needs a faded star for a PPV appearance.
Leary: Speak to me Ragers!
Bubba: And his opponent.. from his mom's place.. "HANDSOME" HANK HAWKINS!
[Hank makes his way to the ring, as trash rains down from the stands. He almost gets beaned by a paper cup, but no biggie.]
Skeeter: J used to throw paper cups at Ric Flair when he was a kid. That's probably him in the stands...
Leary: *Laugh* Flair never got over that, by the way.
Skeeter: You turned him heel, J... *laugh*
SSS: Well, both men in the ring now, and with only an 11-minute time limit, this should be a fast-paced matchup!
SW: It better be.. we need all the time we can to set up the Jell-O pit for the Ambulance Jockeys/Fumbuckers encounter. Check out the face paint on Hank!
Skeeter: Hey, look, I did have a reason... how 'bout that?
Leary: Is that really face paint?
Skeeter: With Hank, I really, really hope so.
SSS: Looks like the Avon factory just exploded! Roy attempting to get the fans behind him now.. Hank attacks him from the backside..
SW: Surprise, surprise.. like he's never done THAT before..
Skeeter: There is no match easier to make jokes about than one with a Billy & Chuck gimmick...
Leary: Wrestling has so many jokes of this sort already built in, as we've found many times doing our MSTies. I've noticed it since when I'm writing and about to use the phrase 'trading blows.'
Skeeter: Hell, even amatuer wrestling has you in the "down position'...
SSS: Hank's dragging Roy head first to the buckle..
Crowd: One! Two! Three! Four!!
SSS: Guess we really are running short of time.
Skeeter: *laugh* Ahh, it's a Smackdown match.
SW: Hey, six turnbuckle shots saved could be all the difference, Sammy. Roy whipped to the ropes for a Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig back body drop!
SSS: I like that.. let me try it! Roy's down.. and there's a biiiiiiig reverse chinlock from Hank! And a biiiiiiiiiiiiig spinning toehold!
Leary: A Schiavoni tribute, yeah?
Skeeter: Yep, once again. And a nod to Terry Funks spinning toehold. Lethal in Japan, boring as hell to the rest of the world.
Leary: Well, I guess the old saying 'bigger is better' might help sell these moves. But who would I be kidding?
Skeeter: Hey, in a sport where people job to the Worm, bigger IS better.
SW: Tell me again how you got this job, Sammy?
SSS: My sister's married to the producer... That's also the reason my paycheque is bigger than yours.
Skeeter: Scottys' taking notes there... he'd become the master of Nepotism in BOB.
Leary: Definitely. Though his pay didn't get much of a bump.
Skeeter: Probably a cut...
SSS: Hank is all over Roy! Gut-wrench suplex! Backbreaker! Neckbreaker! Testicle Breaker!
SW: That's a new one..
Leary: Testicle breaker? That an inverted atomic drop?
Skeeter: I dread to speculate, really. A tilt-a-whirl testicle breaker would probably pop the crowd, though.
SSS: Whip to the buckle from Hank.. Roy bounces out and NAILS Hank with a big.. sorry ..a biiiiiiiig lariat! Scoops up Hank for a Death Valley Driver. Plants him!
[The director mistakenly takes this as cue to return to the Sillicone M. Plants/Kamikazie Ken match. We cut to the hospital, where SMP and Ken are drinking coffee and talking. We cut back just as quickly.]
Leary: Ah, still a favorite of mine to see on shows, wrestlers breaking kayfabe accidentally.
Skeeter: Mine too. Doesn't happen as often since WCW's crack production crew lost their jobs, though. I still love that shot of Andre the Giant laughing after "choking" Bob Uchre at Wrestlemania IV. The huge, evil heel being played by one of wrestlings true nice guys.
SSS: Gut-wrench suplex from Rage! Backbreaker! Neckbreaker! Testicle Breaker!
SW: That's a ne.. wait, what page of the script are we on?
Skeeter: The page that says, 'testicle breaker is funny, use it twice".
SSS: Oh, sorry, we're up to page seven, aren't we? I thought this match was getting repetitive fast.. Spinning Heel kick from Rage drops Hank to the canvas! Roy scoops him up and slaps on a bearhug!
Hank: Oooh! I'll give you half an hour to let go!
Leary: *Laugh* That's just downright scary there.
Skeeter: Total line-steal there, from the Australian spoof movie 'Hercules Returns". In fact, remind me to send you a tape of it sometime, you'll love it.
SSS: Rage lets go quickly, looking disgusted! He clotheslines Hank to the ground and executes a mammoth guillotine legdrop! The former champ well in control! He's going to the outside.. He's at the top... SHOOTING STAR PRESS!!! I've never seen Rage use that before!
SW: And I've never seen anyone miss by that much before!
Skeeter: And quit stealing our bits, Brock Lesnar!
Leary: It is odd to see things we've done years ago that have since happened for real in the big league.
Skeeter: Yeah, true. Some just wacky soincidences, some I'm sure the result of a WWE writer with writers block and an internet connection.
Leary: Just like us!
Skeeter: Yeah, except we only steal from each other.
Leary: And The Simpsons.
Skeeter: And Buffy. And... we're digging ourselves a really big hole, aren't we?
Leary: Yep...I'm shutting up now. *Laugh*
SSS: Roy is hurt! Hank drags him over to the corner. Oh my God! Hank's going for a 300-pond Bronco Buster!
Roy: Oh, Good Lord, NOOOOO!!!!
Skeeter: *laugh* 300-pond? Where is he, the Land O' Lakes?
Leary: Rikishi almost stole that spot. He just turned it around.
SSS: Rage is tapping out! He's tapping out!!! What an upset!! Hank gets the victory, and that's gotta shoot him WAY up in the rankings!
SW: Maybe he'll even get a title shot at "Barnyard Blitkrieg"! But probably not..
Skeeter: And typically, Scotty was right.
SSS: Well, as our ring crew moves in to set up the Jell-O pit, let's take you back to the hell in a Hospital match!
[We cut back to the hospital. SMP has Ken in a headlock. They both are standing perfectly still.]
Offscreen Voice: Three... two.. one.. ACTION!
Leary: If they could get anyone better, I'm sure that producer was fired.
Skeeter: This is pretty much how I imagine the REAL hardcore Brawls were filmed... just better edited.
[They begin grappling wildly.]
SSS: Unbelievable action here! Do you think we can edit that blooper out before we go to air, Scotty?
SW: *ahem*.. this LIVE broadcast is brought to you in part by EZI-CHEEZE!
Leary: Ah, poor Sammy. You know things are bad when Scotty is correcting you.
Skeeter: Yep, Scotty seems to cope better when things go horribly wrong. Just more practise at it, I guess.
SSS: Oh, right.. yeah. Well folks, these two are still going at it! That laboratory will never be the same! A tray of blood samples goes crashing to the floor as they grapple! Plants grabs a vial of.. well, some type of fluid, anyway and hurls it at Ken!
Skeeter: Answers as to what type of fluid was in there on the back of a postcard to...
Leary: There should have been a disclaimer that no diseases went undiagnosed as a result of this portion of the match.
Ken ducks and overturns a tray full of surgical equipment for no readily apparent reason.. this is just an orgy of destruction here!
Skeeter: You have to have some sort of random destruction during a hardcore match. A pile of building materials in the middle of a corridor? Slam him on it! Glass window? Coming through! It's like the rule where a wedding cake always ends up in someone's face.
Leary: Or the pregnant valet loses her baby.
Skeeter: Yep, that too.
SW: And the hospital staff seem to have had enough! They're mobbing both Plants and Ken! Good Grief! Two helpless pro wrestlers are being mugged by enraged medical practitioners here! I've never seen anything like it!
Leary: When Doctors Attack, this summer on FOX.
Skeeter: J LOVED this finish. He always described his job as 'scraping up drunks and stopping schmucks choking on prime rib", so it was nice to see the quacks win for once.
SSS: And here comes an anaesthetist! Is he..? Yes he is!! He's ANETHATISING BOTH OF THEM! They're both down and in dreamland! The intern is declaring it a no-contest!
Skeeter: That's probably one of my more original screwjob finishers. Beats a run-in, any day.
SW: Told you... too close to a pay-per-view.. and besides, my sources tell me SMP gets yet another title shot at Barnyard Blitzkreig...
SSS: Three Title shots in three appearances? The man's ego will take over the world and destroy us all!
SW: Not if he ends up 0-3...
Leary: *Laugh* Plants didn't have the best win-loss record, but he still acted as if he were as good as Flair.
Skeeter: And that's the mark of the consummate heel. Act like you own the world, even after looking at the lights for the face.
SSS: This is true.. we'll just have to wait 2 weeks.. or there abouts.. for the chance to see if he finally gets his hands on the gold! Anyway, on to the Jell-O Pit match! The Fumbuckers on their way to the ring, followed not-to-closely by The Ambulance Jockeys, who have found some all-over luge outfits for the match.
SW: Closest thing to a full-body condom they could get, I guess...
Leary: If only they could've gotten Bill Cosby to do the ring announcing for this one.
Skeeter: You can probably guess which team had the choice of stipulations. In fact, I think this has to be a first... four MEN wrestling in Jell-o for a wrestling show.
Leary: Might as well have a degrading match for the men too.
SSS: The bell rings and we're under way! Tell me, are there any particular rules for a Jell-O pit match, or do all four guys just beat up each other until someone gets pinned?
SW: That was my understanding of it.
Skeeter: We'll have to call Russo to confirm, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't a high-concept kind of thing.
Leary: And the Jell-O, of course, can be used as a weapon.
Skeeter: I'd like to see how, exactly. *laughs*
SSS: Fine, just checking.. Diontray and Barry mixing it up in one corner, while Garry executes a drop toe-hold on Leon for comedic purposes! Leon takes a header into the Jell-O!
Leary: And if he's feeling a bit hungry, he can take a bite.
Skeeter: Don't tell Leon that, he'll get confused and it'll turn into an NC-17 rated match...
SW: Man, I hate Jello..
SSS: Oh, come on, there's always room for...
[The lawyer moves back into shot.]
SSS: Oh, we'll get sued for that one as well? Nuts. And I didn't even LIKE 'Ghostbusters II'.
Skeeter: I kinda did, though. Not as good as the first, but goofy fun.
Leary: Yep, I'd have to agree. I did think that painting dude was very creepy.
Skeeter: Oh, my man Vigo. Yep, he was a very cool bad guy. The flick got a little sentimental with the Lady Liberty bit, but still worth a watch.
Anyway, there's almost too much action to call here, so let's talk about the upcoming Pay-per..
SW: Oh, no you don't! We already did that during Oingos match!
Skeeter: And THAT'S what Mike Tenay needed to do from time-to-time.
Leary: I think it'd be interesting to see Scotty in a professional fed. I bet he'd be considred a face announcer in one.
Barry and Leon exchanging headbutts now, while Garry gets an enormous Diontray Driver into the Jell-O! Now was that too difficult to call?
SSS: Diontray Driver?
SW: Like a Juvi-Driver, only much, much sillier..
Skeeter: Man, there's a name from the past. Juvis' been the forgotten man of wrestling since his litle "smashed off my tits on E" stunt in Australia...
Leary: Yep. Though I do recall seeing him in NWATNA not too long ago. Wonder if he's managed to stick it out with them.
Skeeter: It's always a sad day when someone talented goes off the rails due to drugs. Hell, it was even sad when Scott Hall did it, three moves and all.
Leary: Yep. One day, someone will get smart and do a "Behind the Wrestling" type of series. It would be just like the VH1 "Behind the Music" show. But sadder.
Skeeter: "Dead. Dead. Arrested. Paralysed. Dead." Depressing stuff.
SSS: Right. Powerbomb from Barry! he goes for the cover, but unfortunatly he can't find Leon in the mountain of Lime jell-O! This is getting messy!
Skeeter: Lime is in fact my favourite flavour of Jell-o. Leary?
Leary: I'm actually a bigger fan of the Jell-O pudding. Chocolate and vanilla. Mmm mmm...
Skeeter: Hmm.. must be an American thing. Sounds good, though.
Heidis on the edge of the pit yelling encouragement to her boys! Diontray chops Garry! Barry chops Diontray! Leon pops up out of the flavoured gelatine dessert and chops Barry!
Skeeter: Whoo! Whoo! Splat. *laughs* Did I already do this gag?
Leary: It's the recycling business. Even if you did, you'll probably forget and do it again.
Garry leaps over and Bulldogs Leon right back down again! Wait a minute, someones on his way to the ring!
SW: An interference already? Geez, I hate pay-per view set-ups...
Skeeter: You see, with like, 45 pay-Per-Views a year, there's constant interefence nowadays. When it was only 4 or 5, you could always tell how close to it you were by the amount of screwjobs.
SSS: It's J.C Brawley and the Barbados Skanks! They're surrounding Heidi! What is going on? The Jocks are still up to their waists in Jell-O, so she's on her own.. Brawley is saying something to Heidi that I can't make out, although the had gestures he's making are pretty self-explanitory.
Leary: I'm not sure I want to know what hand gesture that is. I doubt it's a middle finger...
SW: Do you believe the grapefruits on Brawley to talk to her like that! How's she gonna react??
SSS: GOOD LORD! A Heidi-kanrana on Brawley, that's how!! He flies into the Pit!
Leary: I doubt that Brawley would be complaining. Doing that to him would only encourage him to speak to her like that again.
Skeeter: Heidis' move-set owed a a lot to Sable, I think. Pick a move, add her name in there somewhere and let the fans enjoy.
The Skanks advance on Heidi and she dives into the pit to escape them!
SW: YEAHHHHH! Heidis in the Jell-O! Now if that chick from "Titanic" was in there too, that dream I had last week would have come true!
Skeeter: *laughs* Yep, I'd finally found Scottys' true persona. THAT'S the reaction we've come to expect from him.
Leary: Yep. I probably would have had Scotty say, I'd love to have Heidi go down on me like the Titanic.
Skeeter: Well, of course you would. I'm the model of restraint when compared to you and J.
Leary: If you moved to America, you'd toss out your morals in a couple weeks too.
SSS: Lovely, Scotty.. All six men duking it out now! OH! HIEDIBOMB on LEON!! HEIDIBOMB!!! Barry pins!!! 1..2...3!!!!
Skeeter: I was actually highly impressed the first time I saw Rena Mero powerbomb someone. Well, I was impressed the first time I saw HER, but that's a different story.
Leary: *Laugh* Yep. I popped for the Sable-bomb back in the day. Especially when she did it on Marc Mero.
SW: The Jocks win it.. somehow.. but the fight is still going on.. and here comes The BOSS!
Boss: I just wanted to say that though the Jocks beat the Fumbuckers, the poster for "Barnyard Blitkrieg have already been printed. Therefore.. the tag team title shot goes to.. THE FUMBUCKERS!
Leary: *Laugh* A bit of BigBOSS in there.
Skeeter: Yep, he's a pretty transparent clone. The "poster" remark pretty much cements this as being an unexpected card... Marty posted the line-up for "Blitzkrieg', then threw in another show for me to write.
Garry: What??!! And what do we get for beating them?
Boss: You get.. to wrestle for the number One contendership.. against.. wait for it... THE BARBADOS SKANKS!
Barry: Big, fat, hairy deal, BOSS...
Skeeter: Garfield reference... one of my favourite cartoons as a kid.
Leary: Didn't catch that reference. But yep, Garfield is a classic. Though I always preferred The Far Side.
Skeeter: I lovbed the Far Side too, but I was a Garfield mark from the time I was about 5 or 6. Consistenly funny stuff...
BOSS: Shut the hell up, Barry!
Barry: Nice comeback..
Skeeter: That's J's catchphrase for the Ambulance Jockeys... About this time, i invented a band for Claude 'Lightning Fingers' Leroux, the Insane Claude Posse. Their breakout hit... "How about a Glass of Shut The Hell Up? (Barry)".
SSS: Well, let's go to our main event.. as soon as we get the Jocks and the Skanks out of the ring that is... C'mon guys! We're running behind! Get your butts in the back! No, get away from the table! Don't touch that..
Skeeter: This show must have had the most technical fucks-ups in E-wrestling history.
Leary: Yep, it's quite a mess. WCW would be proud.
[Static fills the screen.. we cut to a sombre looking announcer in a studio. A publicity shot of Birdboy and The Guy standing face-to-face is on the wall behind him.]
Skeeter: Why I hyped the PPV like this, I'll never know. The last Main Event before a big show is always chaos, but this is probably more chaotic than most.
Leary: This is like a trip to Stamford studios.
SSS: We apologise for the loss of our live feed. Instead, here is some still pictures of the Birdboy/Guy mtach, accompianed by some light music from John Tesh.
Leary: Oh good God. Not John Tesh!
Skeeter: *laugh* Yep, the Chin That Ate New York City... I just found the idea of Tesh playing music incredibly funny. Luckily, I've never actually heard him play.
Leary: Consider yourself lucky. New Age music is just awful.
Skeeter: Oh, God, he's a New-Ager? Anyone that plays New Age music deserve a pan-pipe rammed in a painful place, in my opinion.
Umm... there's Birdboy doing a moonsault.. there's The Guy putting a reverse chinlock on Birdboy.. sorry, the pictures are so fuzzy.
Skeeter: The WWF flunky and a Polaroid camera. not a good mix. We're lucky there wasn't a picture of his thumb.
Leary: Maybe there's a UFO in the shot too.
Umm.. that looks like an inziguri, but I'm not sure who delivered it.. and there's the screwjob ending as The Bookerman hits The Guy with the bell. Why, I'm not sure... but he did.
Skeeter: Yes, I had no idea how to book that match, lthough I'm oddly pleased with how it turned out.
Leary: It's one of the more unique main events I've seen.
So, Birdboy retains the title after the DQ, and once again, our apologies for not being able to bring you the match in full. So till next time, from the WWF, be good to yourselves.. and to each...
[The lawyer walks into the studio and hands the announcer a writ from Jerry Springer, citing catchprhase violation. We fade out.]
Skeeter: The man's got the fastest legeal team i've ever seen.
Leary: Vince has cameras everywhere. We've got lawyers everywhere. Ours is still more realistic.
Skeeter: Yeah, in America I'm surprised lawyers don't tumble out when you open the closet door. And we are out of here. Catch you next time!
© 1999/2004 BOB Wrestling!