Tornado Thursday Night 8/19/99
IF UNSATISFIED, PLEASE RETURN TO THE GHOSTWRITER FOR A FULL REFUND.
[The show this week comes from the Richard M. Nixon Memorial Arena in Whatahooley, Idaho which has stepped into the breach as The Dome is undergoing hurried renovations. (That's what happens when you play host to the "U.S Disgruntled Postal Worker Society" Annual General meeting.) The crowd is going crazy as we pan around, but that's not surprising, as the local water supply is contaminated with the run-off from a Prozac manufacturing plant. Tons of badly-spelt signs are waved, including "I'm Plarnted", "The Fumbuckas Are going Down. (As Usual)" and "Go Kame.. Kamike..Go Ken!" We pick up Sammy and Scotty, who are at their usual spot at ringside. Their table has been painted with a large, conspicuous bulls-eye. A third man sits at the table, surrounded by dozens of empty beer cans.]
SSS: Welcome to Tornado Thursday Night! The 7th Hottest parody wrestling show on the Net! I'm "Sellout" Sammy Smith, along with Scotty Whatbody and our special guest commentator, former "Insulting Racial Stereotype Wrestling" legend, Drunken Mick!
SW: Nice to have you here Mick!
DM: Ahh, shut ya gob, ya eejit!
SSS: How... rustic. Anyway, before we kick off tonight's show, let's bring you the results from the WWF's first-ever "Fictional Friday Night!" Our not-quite-good-enough-to-broadcast house show! Featuring the cream of our not-on-the-roster midcard sub-superstars! Fictional Friday! All dark matches, all the time!
SW: Another winner of a concept, Sammy.
SSS: Anyway, here's what went down...
"The Modern-day Viking" Jurgen Lurgensonsonson defeated The Golf Pro with the 'Loot and pillage' in 12:34.
"Squiggly" Mason made El Luchadore Generico submit to the "Hfffurhhr" Nose-lock in 8:43
The Persian Rug and Captain Comb-Over gained a somewhat suspicious win over The Cajun Avenger and Frankie "Blue-Eyes" Morocioni after the illegal use of a canned ham.
John "The Trekkie" Casco and The Man with the Giant Squeaky Inflatable Octopus wrestled to a time limit draw.
And the Main Event Pick-up Soccer Game was won by the Faces, beating the Heels 3 goals to 2. The winning goal was headed in by Birdboy, off a nice Sillicone M. Plants cross.
SW: I still think Nurse Heidi should have played for the heels..
SW: The Heels were Skins!
DM: Ahh, she's a foine wimmen, that Heidi!
SSS: Well, that's as maybe, but it's time to get on with the fine night of Sports Entertainment we have lined up! And we're kicking it off with a Title match! Birdboy defends the "YGBCIADT" Gold against Lenny Duck!
SW: And it's the Tar and Feathered Match! We've even got an ACME(TM) Instant Tar and Feathering machine! (As seen in the Road Runner cartoon "Guided Muscle")
SSS: So let's go to Bubba for the introductions!
Bubba: This match is the Tarred and Feathered match for the "YGBCIADT" Title. Introducing first, The Challenger.. weighing.. something.. and from.. somewhere.. LENNNNNY DUCK!
[The Duck wanders down to the ring, along with a large, muscular woman. Apart from that I can't tell you much.. looks like the Boss hasn't updated the Roster recently..]
Bubba: And His opponent.. the champion.. BIRRRRRDBOY!
SSS: Well, what a long row to hoe for Lenny Duck in his debut. He's taking on a two-time "YGBCIADT" Champ, the former World Champ and a member of the Bosses' Club to boot.
SW: Yeah. If he could win here, it'd be the biggest upset in years!
[The commentary team look at each other and start laughing hysterically. Lenny looks slightly miffed.]
SSS: Well, the match is under way as these two men lock up. Hammerlock from Lenny.. reversed by Birdboy.. reversed again by Lenny.. and again by Birdboy.. well, this match is off to the usual scintillating start.. but we're prepared for that this week!
SW: Oh, no.. you didn't!
SSS: I sure did. Here to keep us entertained during boring moves like chinlocks and spinning toe holds is "The Bard of Ballybondy" Seamus O'Malley!
[We cut to a pale-looking Celtic Fiddle player in a tattered kilt. He begins to play a jig.]
Seamus: Oh, the Piper of McFindalsnatcher,
Roamed upon the moor!
And he ate a giant haggis..
[We cut back to the ring.]
SSS: ...And Birdboy waffles Lenny with that electric frypan! Remember, there's no disqualification's in a "YGBCIADT" match! But Lennys got an ink-jet printer and he levels Birdboy with it! Birdboy is down.. Lenny tosses away the remains of the printer and slaps on an armbar..
[Cut back to Seamus.]
..He fought a water-kelpie,
And met a colleen fair..
And then he went and got drunk,
And shaved off all her..
[Back to the ring.]
SSS:...What a move! I've never seen such effective use of a Twinkie in my life! What a battle! Birboy staggers back to his feet! Full Nelson by..
..whisky, whisky, whisky,
And then a whisky more..
[Back to the ring.]
SSS: ..what the Hell! There's someone in the aisle.. it's..it's.. Lenny "The Force" Baxter and the Original Toilet Duck? They're not even in this fed!
SW: I don't think they care! Look at the beatdown they're delivering to Lenny Duck!
L"TF"B: Steal our names, will you? Take this! Bwa-hahaha!!
TD: Yeah! BLEEP-ing BLEEP-er. Quack.
SSS: OH! Lenny just got a taste of Toilet Ducks "Worst Gimmick of the Year" Award over his skull! He's out cold! Birdboy pins.. and there's a three count! Birdboy wins it!
SW: And look at that arrogance. He just tossed Lenny over the top rope! Look out for that...
SW:...tar and feathering machine! Are you okay, Mick?
SSS: Well, that shut him up. We could hardly get a word in edgewise with him here! Let's move on, shall we?
SW: Wait a minute! It's my new interview segment next! "Sammys Sound-off"! And let's bring out my first guest...
[Cut to Seamus.]
Walkin' in the heather,
And tossing a big caber.
Fighting at the local,
And whippin out my sabre!
[Back to the ring.]
SW: Thanks for you time, Mr Bookerman!
SSS: Fascinating. Well, our next match is also a title match! SMP and The Mime! The Mime is already in the ring, so I guess he won't win this one. And here comes SMP to the thunderous cheers of "Show us your.."
SW: I'm guessing that chant is for Heidi, Sammy.
SSS: Probably. Anyway, the big question is.. will The Mime quit the WWF if he loses here tonight? I mean, everyone else seems to!
BONG! BONG! BONG!
SW: That's one hell of a bell they got here!
SSS: The Mime and SMP lock it up! Big shove by The Mime! SMP up to his feet and delivers a stinging chop! Arm-wringer..
..And then I...
[To the ring.]
SSS: ..But the Mime short-clotheslines SMP to break the arm-wringer! Puts on an arm-wringer of his own..
[To the ring.]
SSS: But SMP escapes the hold instantly! Standing dropkick! The Mime is knocked back a step! Another drop-kick! Jumping headbutt by the Silky Surgeon! Lefts! rights! The Mime with a forearm! Huge avalanche! This is getting good...
[We cut abruptly to a badly-placed commercial.]
EdisonCo presents the NEW AND IMPROVED GERBIL-O-MATIC! For all your gerbil-cleaning needs! Only $14.95. For speedier delivery, send $25. If you're exceptionally gullible, send more! From EdisonCo! EdisonCo... TIMING IS EVERYTHING!
[Back to the Ring.]
SW: WHAT A MOVE! I've never seen anything like that in my life! I can't even begin to describe that!
SSS: I don't even know what to call it! SMP covers, but it's academic after that one! 1..2..3! That was un-believable!! The Mime was in total control until that stunning maneuver by Plants!
SW: The crowd is still in shock! Can we get a replay? No? Oh, well, never mind. Must be time for a commercial...
SSS: Apparently not.. so we'll crack on to our one non-titled match of the evening. Take it away, Bubba!
Bubba: This is the "Pancakes and Syrup" match scheduled for one pants-stuffing. Introducing first, at a total combined weight of 539 pounds, representing The Pink Corner.. The FBLEEPRS!!
SW: Why was Bubba censored on that intro?
SSS: New Web-host..
[The FBKs (As they will be referred to until our new host trusts us.) arrive at the ring in a Pink Cadillac. Their theme song-du jour is "Pink Cadillac". How original.]
Bubba: And their opponents.... The BLEEPS!!!!
SW: And why was that one bleeped?
SSS: Because Bubba didn't feel like announcing all those D-names.
[The D-men run to the ring to... something.. Curse that non-updated roster...]
SSS: Well all four men in the ring now, and here comes the special celebrity Pancake chefs, Mark Wahlberg and the guy that plays Screech on "Saved By the Bell". Whatever his name is. We're all set to go now, and SupeRef signals the timekeeper..
THUD! THUD! TING!
SSS: ...the bell rings.. kind of.. and we're underway! DDS immediately levels Leon with a huge forearm! Diontray dropkicks DDU to the mat! Leon grabs a pancake from the former New kid on the Block and hurls it at DDS! Missed!
SW: Someone in the front row just got a snack!
SSS: Diontray grabs a squeezy bottle of maple syrup and blinds DDU with a big, sticky blast! Bulldog! DDU is stuck to the mat! And look! Someone's coming down the aisle!
SSS: It's... The Green Mosheen!
SW: WHAT?? NOOO! Stay out of there, Green!!
SSS: And all four men leap on him! They're beating him senseless! For no apparent reason! They heft him out of the ring.. INCOMING!
SW: So that's what the bulls-eye meant... you okay, Sammy?
SW: Oh, good, I get to call the match! DDS and DDU are double teaming Leon! Double back suplex! Diontray to the rescue! Flying headbutt to the.. lower extremities of DDS! DDU delivers a dragon suplex to Diontray! He grabs one of Screechs' pancakes and attempts to stuff it down Diontrays trunks! I think Diontrays going to let him! But NO! Leon makes the save! Diontray looks a but put out about that! Great match, huh Sammy?
SW: It's getting intense now! Axe kick from DDS sends Leon down again! Diontray goes for a pancake.. so does DDS.. WAIT A MINUTE! Screech and Wahlberg just attacked Diontray and DDS! And.. they're going to.. going to...
DING! CLANG! OINK!
Bubba: Ladies and gentlemen.. here are your winners.. the team of MARK WAHLBERG and THE GUY WHO PLAYS "SCREECH"!!!!
SW: You have GOT to be kidding!! Is every match tonight going to be a two-minute screwjob?
[Cut to a short, pale twenty-something hunched over a computer in a room full of Humphrey Bogart posters.]
The Ghostwriter: Hey, I have a life too, you know! Get off my back!
[Back to the ring.]
SW: Well, our celebrities are celebrating their upset victory in the ring. Leon is having some harsh words with them.. or maybe he just wants a pancake as well..
[Cut to a lone STWF fan wearing an Oddjobber "Can I Have A Pancake?" T-shirt. Back to the ring, which has miraculously cleared. The BOSS is in the aisle. The sound guys get the hint and cue "Born In the U.S.A"]
BOSS: Ladies and Gentlemen, there has been a change to the program! The two Half-Title bouts are now a DOUBLE MAIN EVENT! Bubba, here's your new cards.
Bubba: Thank you.. *ahem*.. Introducing first.. the Challengers.. "HANDSOME" HANK HAWKINS and THE DOMINO!!
SW: What's going on now? Is this a tag match?
SSS: Nope.. the double main event is going to be held simultaneously, it appears.
SW: This should be.. interesting..
Bubba: And their opponents.. The reigning Half Heavyweight Champions.. ROY D. RAGE and KAMIKAZIE KEN!!
[The champs run to the ring to a weird combination of their theme music. (AC/DC and Wagner just DON'T mix!) The crowd pops big for them. Handsome Hank climbs on a turnbuckle to try to get some support. Three minutes of crowd shots later we cut back to the ring.]
SSS: I'm not even going to try to describe what Hank just did..
SW: I think the pictures told the story..
WHUMP! AHOO-GA! GEEHUFFA!
SSS: And here we go! Ken and Hank lock up! Rage gives the Domino a knee-lift! Wait a minute, SupeRef is separating them.. guess they still have to wrestle the ones they were scheduled to.. Roy has the idea now.. he shoulderblocks Hank to the mat! Ken unleashes a springboard-rana on the Domino! Nice move!
SW: Rage just ran into a nice elbow shot there! Hank picks him up for a tilt-a-whirl-round-the-world-over-and-under..
[Cut to Seamus.]
Seamus:..And there was a man from Inverness..
SW: Hey! I am NOT boring! Anyway, there's a great spinning neckbreaker by the Domino! Snap-suplex into a jackhammer by Rage! The Domino misses a leg-drop. Can Ken capitalise?
SSS: Since when was I the colour commentator, Scotty? And yes, he can.. nice running head-scissors takedown from Ken. German suplex from Rage! Hawkins in a world of hurt! Abdominal Stretch! Ken slaps on a cross-face on the other side of the r..
Seamus:..Oh, I went a rambling, upon the ocean wave..
[A 16-ton weight falls on Seamus. The crowd pop is thunderous.]
SSS:... Rage delivers a double-underhook DDT on Hank! I think he's setting up for the Clean and Jerk! Ken drops the Domino with a Famouser! Hank is going up.. wayyyy up! Wait.. where's Ken going? He's got his half of the belt and.. GOOD LORD! He just smashed Rage in the head with it!! What's going on?? Rage goes down like a sack of potatoes! Ken hits him again! And again!. This is insane! Ken climbs to the top rope and.. 450 CORKSCREW PRESS!!! Rage is out! And now Hank AND The Domino join in the assault! The crowd is going crazy! What is Ken thinking?
SW: Uhh.. "Gee, I'm a Heel now"?
SSS: Possibly, Scotty.. The beating is continuing in the ring.. we're almost out of time.. wait a second!
SW: SMP and BIRDBOY are on their way! And here comes the Ambulance Jockeys! It's all on now!!
SSS: Fans, we're out of time.. DID YOU SEE...!!!!
(Cut to Black)
© 2004 BOB Home Video!
1999 Whatever Wrestling Federation