Tornado Thursday Night 8/26/99
Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy. Whatever
Caption: EARLIER TONIGHT.
[The Backstage area of The Dome. Roy D. Rage is in his dressing room, applying his facepaint. The door slowly swings open, revealing SMP, who's backlit for dramatic effect.]
RDR: What do you want, Plants?
SMP: Listen, my friend. We know this main event tonight is going to be a screwjob. You're already booked to defend your title at "Pay For Nothing." And I'm a face now, not to mention I already hold a title! So why don't we avoid the sham of a two minute match and meet tonight, not in a battle of strength, but in a test of wills. Meet as gentlemen.
RDR: Sounds interesting. What did you have in mind?
[We cross fade to the opening titles. (Yes, we now have opening titles!! They only show highlights from our first 6 shows, but we got Weezer to play the theme song! Well, okay, a Weezer Covers-band called Weezel.. but you can hardly tell the difference, honest!)
The titles finish and we cut to The Dome, where the crowd has been whipped up into a frenzy by the first appearance of The WWF Girl. However, she was arrested by local law enforcement mere seconds after she released the mongoose and put on her rubber gloves, so we probably won't have her on next week. We find Scotty Whatbody and Sammy "Sellout" Smith at an extra-long table. Two Spanish announcers are sharing the table, as are two French announcers, one from Norway, two Native Americans and a guy dressed as The Phantom. Stoners all over the country are uttering a collective "Oh, wow!" at this somewhat surreal sight.]
SSS: Welcome to the GREATEST TORNADO THURSDAY NIGHT EVER! Probably. And it's going to be a fantastic night! And why? Because we get to see the Bookerman get his you-know what kicked!!
SW: Hey!! Try to remain objective, jerk!
SSS: What, like you?
[The shot widens out to reveal a huge pile of Green Mosheen merchandise piled up by Scottys chair.]
SW: Yeah.. like me. Wanna T-shirt, Sammy?
SSS: No. Well, let's bring you up to speed on last weeks "Fictional Friday Night". We had some great matches.. as well as some real stinkers... but here's the results anyway:
The Flying Zamboni Brothers defeated The Uninteresting Alliance with a Double Flying Gourdbuster in just under 6 minutes to start things off.
Captain Cliche made Polar Bear Pete submit to the "This Will Hurt Me More Than It will Hurt You" in 12:21.
In the six-man Time-filling tag match, Internet Geek, Johnny "Limpet" Smith and The Prince of Porno were soundly beaten by the team of Googoo Cachoob, The Tongue and "Don't Call Me Iggy" Johnson. The Tongue finished off Internet Geek with the "Slip Ya One" in just under 17 minutes.
Mooloo Man and Rancid Ron clashed to decide the vacant "It Doesn't Really Exist" title. Rancid Ron emerged victorious, after the "Nasal Assault" Cross-face Armpit hold. It's his first reign as "IDRE" champion, and he was reported to be "pretty-damn pleased" about it.
And in the Main Event, Pigeon and El Jaboronie Loco wrestled for near on three minutes before a completely predictable attack by "Wingnut" Weaver forced a no-contest. "Wingnut" claims he was "Too drunk to figure out who he was hitting" and later apologised to all concerned.
So, on with the show! And it won't be long before we find out who the Dominos' MYSTERY PARTNER is!!!
SW: Do you have to shout! Every time you say "Mystery Partner" you nearly deafen me!
SSS: Sorry. But I have to hype it!! It's the "Schivone" clause in my contract. All play-by-play announcers have it! Any thoughts on who the MYSTERY PARTNER will be, Scotty?
SW: Uhh.. The BOSS? Bubba? Boogie Woogie?
SSS: Well, I deserved that for asking you a direct question.. Here we go folks!! Pigeon is on his way to the ring, so let's go to Bubba for our first match!!
Bubba: This opening match is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, weighing 275 pounds.. PIGEON!
[Silence. A cricket can be heard chirping in the distance.]
Bubba: And his opponent.. currently residing in Greensboro, North Carolina, weighing 119 pounds.. NURRRRRSE HEEEIIIDDDDIIII!!!
[Enormous pop as Heidi makes here appearance. Scotty and Sammys lips are moving, but what they are saying is anyones guess. Eventually the noise subsides.]
SSS:...with a MELON?
SW: Apparently so..
SSS: Interesting. Well, this match is under way, as Pigeon and Heidi lock up in the center of the ring. Hammerlock by Pigeon. Standing switch from Heidi into a drop toe-hold. Pigeons face meets the canvas! Elbowdrop to the back of his head! Camel Clutch!
[We cut to Seamus O'Malley. The 16-ton weight falls on him before he can start to sing.]
SSS: Pigeon struggles to his feet, with Heidi still on his back. Snap-mares her over his shoulder! Heidi hits the canvas hard! Pigeon stands over her and.. oh, man, that's disgusting. Leave the gyrations to The Pink Corner, please!!
[Sudden Crowd shot. All the male fans cringe simultaneously.]
SSS: OOOH! That testicular claw has got to hurt! Heidi heaves Pigeon up by his own genitalia.. HEIDIVALLEY DRIVER!
SW: Cover..1..2..no! Pigeon kicks out!
SSS: Heidi is looking good! Heidi-kanrana! Heidi-bomb!! Heidi-front-facelock! Heidi-spinning-toehold!
SW: Don't milk the gag, Sammy..
SSS: Just one more?
SW: Well.. okay..
SSS: HEIDI-HAMMER!!! 1..2..3!! It's over! Pigeon never even attempted to kick out of that move.
SW: Would you?
SSS: Not with where she was lying, no..
Bubba: Here is your winner of this squash.. NURSE HEIDDDDDI!!
[Not such a big pop this time, as Heidi is still fully clothed.. oh, well.. maybe next time..]
SSS: Well, It's time for our special Sky-diving match, so let's go to our guest commentator, Alex Escargot the Third, who's with our competitors!
[We cut to the interior of an airplane. Lenny Duck and Kamikazie Ken are in full skydiving attire. A small announcer wearing a parachute, tutu, comedy arrow-through-the-head and legwarmers is standing nearby.]
AE3: Thank you Sammy, mon ami! Well, any last thoughts on the match, boys?
Ken: No, not really.
Lenny: Me either.
AE3: Okay, then let's GET IT ON!!
[A bell rings. Both Ken and Lenny run out the back of the plane and leap into space. Alex follows them, as does a referee and a camera-flyer.]
AE3: And here we go! Ken launches a drop-kick at Lenny! He gets a low-blow as he comes in! Hikanrana by Ken, not too useful when there's no mat, but nice try anyway. Flying forearm finds the mark by Lenny. Short clothesline! Ken tries a head-scissors takedown. No effect! Ken isn't faring to well. He's just not used to not having a mat to work with! Reverse Chinlock.. Ken releases it quickly as the ground is rapidly approaching. Lenny gives Ken an elbow to the head. Ken looks dazed...
AE3: ..And both men's parachutes have deployed. They drift slowly to the ground, Ken landing first... WOW! Lenny comes down and scores with a beautiful double-footed cranial kick on Ken. Lenny picks him up and slams him in the dust of the runway! Elbow-drop! A cover.. but the referee hasn't landed yet! Here he comes.. but Ken has managed to kick out. Lenny is dragging Ken back to our second plane which is standing by! WHOA!! Ken just slammed Lennys head into the side of the plane! I think he was playing possum! That's not how I play possum, though... I play it like this..
[Alex begins running in circles, squeaking and hitting himself with a clipboard.]
AE3: I'm a possum! SQUEAK! I'm a possum! Eek!
[We cut back to Sammy and Scotty.]
SSS: Well, it'll take a while for the plane to get back to the required height for the next jump, so we'll move to our tag-team rumble! Any thoughts on that what we just saw, Scotty?
SSS: Super. Over to you, Bubba!
Bubba: This contest is a four-corners elimination tag, and it will determine the NEW WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD!!
[The fans go nuts. There's nothing like "Nickel Beer Night" to keep the energy levels up.]
Bubba: Introducing first, at a total combined weight of 351 pounds.. THE PISSED TEENS!
[The Beastie Boys blare out over the Domes tinny speakers as the cranially-challenged teens head to the ring, gaining a good crowd reaction from all the slackers out there.]
Bubba: Introducing team two.. at a total combined weight of 539 pounds.. THE FU-BLEEP-ERS.
[Leon, Diontray and Jeeves the Gay bartender run through a garbage shower to the ring. Big boos from the homophobes in attendance, some pop from the female fans, because "They're just so sensitive.."]
Bubba: And team three... weighing in at 480 pounds.. THE AMBULANCE JOCKEYS!
[The Theme from "Chicago Hope" plays, as we having legal problems with the makers of "ER". Barry and Garry come out to a mammoth pop. ]
Bubba: Finally.. at a total combined weight of.. hey, who mixed up my cards? Anyway.. it's DDS and DDU!!
[The DDudes run out to the strains of New Zealand 70's supergroup DD Smash. (It was the most appropriate thing we could find.)]
SSS: Well, everyone's in the ring now. It's going to be Mike and Leon to start things off, as a result of an exciting game of "Rock, paper, Scissors" that was played earlier. The two of them circling now. Collar-and-elbow tie-up. OOH! Kneelift into the guts from Leon! Mike wasn't expecting that! Hiptoss sends him to the mat! Reverse chin-lock! Tim leaps over the top rope to help out! Dropkick to the back of Leons head! SupeRef comes over to break this up, but the damage is done. Mike has the advantage now! Tim leaps back over the ropes!
SW: And he misses the apron. Co-ordination plus...
SSS: Pump-handle slam from Mike! He tags out to DDS! DDS comes in and delivers a stinging chop to Leon! Whips him to the ropes! Drops his head way too early! Face-breaker! DDS is hurting now! DDU is in the ring! Flying Headbutt on Leon! Diontray comes in! DDT from DDU!
SW: DDU better get out PDQ or he'll be DQ'ed!
SSS: He's getting out ASAP, Scotty! In the meantime though, Leon just lowblowed DDS! Tag to Barry Brown! The Ambulance Jockey is in! Spinning heel kick!
SW: On who?
SSS: I don't know! I'm losing track of this one! And our producer is now telling me Ken and Lenny are over the drop-zone again!
SW: Why don't we just shut up and let the pictures tell the story?
SW: Good call..
[We to the Sky-dive Match, where Ken and Lenny are tumbling out of the plane again. Alex follows them, still going "Eek" every so often. Ken has Lenny in a headlock. Back to the ring, where Barry Brown is on the receiving end of a dropkick from Tim. Tim tags out to Leon as we cut back to Ken and Lenny. Lenny has Ken in a Giant Swing, which is very impressive, in an X-Games'y kind of way. Back to the ring, where Garry Greene and DDS are exchanging forearms. Tim is involved in a brawl on the outside with Diontray. Mike is leaning over the railing, trying in vain to impress a chick at ringside. Back to the Skydive Match. Ken executes a Mid-Air-Spear on Lenny. Back to the ringside area. Tim is being helped up the aisle by Mike. Leon is showboating as only a Fumbucker can. DDS is climbing on the buckle behind him. As Leon turns, DDS launches a cross-body block. Somehow, Leon uses DDS's momentum to reverse the pin and gets a "handful-of-tights" assisted three count. Back to the runway of the airfield. A shadow on the ground increases rapidly in size. Without warning, Kamikazie Ken lands on the ground, travelling at around 120 mph. As the dust settles, Lenny drifts gently down on his parachute and covers. The ref lands and makes an easy three-count. Lenny jumps for joy as he gets his hand raised in victory.]
AE3: Are you okay, Ken? That looked painful...
[Ken gives a shaky-looking thumbs-up. His parachute suddenly deploys, covering him like a silk sheet. We cut back to Scotty and Sammy.]
SW: What un upset!! Lenny Duck has defeated one of the Half-Heavyweight Champs! That's gotta increase his chances of a title shot!
SSS: In this Fed? Yeah, right.. Anyway, back to the tag Team title match.. Just two teams left in it now! Barry Brown of the Jocks and Diontray of the FBK's are duking it out in the center of the ring! Barry tags Garry. Double gut-buster! Snap-suplex from Garry! Neck-breaker! He covers..1..2..NO! So close! Garry tags Barry back in! Great teamwork from the Jocks!
SW: They're really cutting the ring in half here!
SSS: Nice observation, Scotty.. we'll make a play-by-play man out of you yet! Barry powerslams Diontray! A dropkick knocks Leon off the apron! Barry's going to the top! Frog-Splash!! Cover! 1..2..2-and-a-quarter..2-and-a-half..thr... NO! Kickout before the three-count!
SW: Biased officials? Nahhh..
SSS: Barry is going for a submission move.. Bow-and-arrow!! Diontrays in trouble! Garry and Leon are brawling on the outside! Leons' desperately trying to get into the ring but he can't! Diontrays may have to submit!
SW: WAIT A MINUTE! That guy in the Phantom costume just jumped in the ring! Legdrop on Barry!!! Superef never saw it! As usual. And.. POWERBOMB on Barry!! The Phantom Guy just dragged Diontray over Barry!
SSS: He's covering!! One.. Two.. THREE!! It's over!! We've got new tag champs!!
Bubba: Here is your winners.. and NEWWWWWWW WWF Tag Team Champions.. THE FUM-BLEEP-ERS!!!
SSS: Who was that guy?? He's right out here by us! Wait, he's taking off his mask! It's.. oh, I don't believe it! It's Handsome Hank Hawkins!! He was at ringside the whole time! The Pink Corner just screwed the Jocks out of the Tag Team Titles!
SW: The Jocks are lucky that's all the screwing the Pink Corner did..
SSS: You're loving this, aren't you, Scotty?
SW: Hey, if it works, do it, I say!
SSS: Fine. Let's move on to the Special tag Team match-up!! And as you can tell by the mixed reaction, Birdboy and The Bookerman are on their way to the ring! And there's an equally mixed reaction for The Domino, who just appeared at the top of the ramp! But where's his partner?? No-ones there! Who is it!
SSS: Oh, no, not that!
SW: Hey, I was right! Boogie Woogie is in the House!
SSS: Domino does NOT look happy at this turn of events! I smell the Bookermans input in this one! But Boogie Woogie will be The Dominos partner in this one! And it's going to be Birdboy versus The Domino to start us out!
Bubba: This contest is scheduled..
SW: Too late, Buuba! They turned up while you were in the can!
Bubba: Oh, sorry..
SSS: And here we go! Test-of-strength in the center of the ring.. Domino winning it easily! Birdboy turns it into a hiplock takedown! Drops a headbutt! standing splash! Kickout at one from the Domino! Irish whip to the ropes. Domino ducks an elbowshot.. Float-over DDT! Great move! The Domino stomping away at Birdboy! he tags Boogie! The veteran drags Birdboy to the corner!
WHOOO! WHOOO! WHOOO! WHOOO!
SW: No expaination required there!
SSS: Too true, Scotty. Eye gouge from Birdboy gets him out of trouble. Chop Block! Boogie falls into the corner. He squirms around a little to get himself in perfect position to receive a BRONCO BUSTER! BRONCO BUSTER!!
SW: BRONCO BUSTER!!
SSS: No, it was only two of them... Tag to the Bookerman! now we'll see if he can wrestle! Big forearm! Tag to Birdboy!
SW: Did you see that execution of the forearm! Textbook!
SSS: Are you kiddin' me? Anyway, Boogie reverses a suplex! Shoulder-breaker! Three-quarter Nelson! I haven't seen these old-school moves since the last time Hogan and Flair wrestled!
SSS: Tag to The Domino! Back-breaker! Cover! Kickout at two by Birdboy! Jackhammer! Snow Plow! The Bookerman is looking worried! He's reaching for something! It looks like a script! And he's scribbling away furiously.. OH! Boogie just coldcocked The Domino!! Why, Boogie, WHY??
Boogie: Hey, he's the Bokerman.. I gots ta do whut he says! OWWW, MERCY!
Bubba: Here is you winner as the result of a disqualification.. The DOMINO!!
SSS: Well, I should expect no less from our Bookerman.. At least he didn't pencil in a beating for the unconscious Domino. Well, looks like it's main event time. Here's Bubba with the intros.. wait a minute!
SW: A whole minute?
SSS: Shut up! A nameless WWF flunky has just told me that the Main Event is in progress already! In.. the Edwin R. Warthog Lounge of the Domes' exclusive club, The Victorian!
[We cut to the club. Roy and Plants are dressed in smoking jackets and smoking cigars. A chessboard is on a table between them.]
Rage: Another port, old chap?
SMP: Please. Hmm.. Knight to B5.. check.
Rage: Well done.. but I think you fell into my trap. Bishop takes Knight.
SMP: Oh, good show, old boy. I never spotted that.. hmm.. Queen takes Bishop.
Rage: Rook to A7.. check.. and mate, I believe.
SMP: Well played. Another game?
Rage: Why not?
Bubba: Here is your winner as a result of the Rachmaninov/Stussbacka Defense.. ROY D. RAGGGE!
SSS: What a stupid way to end a TTN.
SW: Yeah, I would have played the Waskinov Strategy. Then Rages' Rachmaninov would have backfired and would have had to resort to the Reverse Dunlap/Obermacrh Theorem...
[We fade out as Sammy begins hitting Scotty with the script.]
© 2004 BOB Home Video!
1999 Whatever Wrestling Federation