Tornado Thursday Something-Or-Other
(We pan the interior of the Slobberknocker. The not-quite-capacity crowd is going nuts, in a slightly-confused way. The pyro guys set off a few flares just out of habit, before we pick up the announce table.)
Angus "Vince" McMadden: Welcome everyone to Tornado.. Thursday.. Something.. what the hell is this anyway? Captain Twilight, any insights?
Captain Twilight: I'm not wearing any underwear.
AVM: Super. Jamal?
Jamal Tupac Mustapha: Yo, V, wassup wid dis?
AVM: I have no idea! And who the heck are you two?
(The shot widens out to reveal two extra announcers at the table.)
Sammy "Sellout" Smith: Allow me to introduce myself.. I'm Sammy "Sellout" Smith, and this is my colleague, Scotty Whatbody, and WELCOME... to TORNADO THURSDAY SOMETHING OR OTHER! The first-ever Whatever Wrestling Federation/STWF Crossover!
AVM: I thought the Whatever Wrestling Federation went out of business months ago?
Scotty Whatbody: Hey, we've got to eat! Just this once, okay?
AVM: Well, I don't know if we should allow this...
SSS: Pleeeease? I mean, I don't want to beg or anything, but I'm a desperate man, here! I have bills, a family to feed, a roulette addiction to finance!
CT: Well, I think he's got a point, Vince.
JTM: Cool wid me, V.
AVM: All right, all right! How bad could it be, anyway?
SW: That phrase is gonna come back and haunt you, Vince!
SSS: All Right! Let's go to ringside... no, wait.. first we have the result of the WWF's "Fictional Friday Night"! All dark matches, all the time!
SW: Are you still doing that old joke, Sammy?
SSS: Yup! Here's the results!
The Disco Twins beat Harry "The Albino" Jones and the Syracuse Skinhead with the "Platform Stomp" in 10:34.
"Icky" Mel Malone upset Wet Willy Williams with the "Snorkelbuster" in 10-34
The Violet Capsicum and The Man With A Cauliflower On His head battled to a draw, as no-one could work out what they were doing.
And in the Main Event, Rancid Ron lost his "It Doesn't Really Exist" title to Benny "The Blob" Brown after Brown applied the "Flabulator" 15 minutes in! Great stuff there from our new "IDRE" Champ!
AVM: Well, that was pointless. And speaking of pointless, here comes the participants in our first match!
Announcer Lad: This is a special Tag-team match, scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, the team of DOUJA and STONED TOKKKKERRRR!
(The strains of "Mr Tambourine Man" fill the arena as the two chemically-fuelled grapplers stumble down the aisle, passing a blunt back and forth.)
AL: And their opponents... LENNY "THE FORCE" BAXTER and LENNY DUCK!
(The two Lenny's enter to "Are You Gonna Go My Way" by Lenny Kravitz. Well duh.)
SSS: Well this should be one heck of a match!
SW: If you don't get out much and are easily entertained.
***Bell Rings. Which is odd, as the Creepy Timekeeper hasn't arrived yet.
AVM: And here we go! Lenny Baxter locks up with Stoned Toker. Hip-lock takedown from Baxter sends Toker to the canvas. Toker rises on the second attempt, only to be met with a dropkick from Baxter. He tags in Lenny Duck already! Elbow drop! Tag to Baxter. Kneelift! Tag to Lenny Duck!
SW: Wrestlers with ADD: Tonight on Springer!
CT: Really? I thought it was "I Married my Cousin, But Now She's Sleeping With My Brother"?
JTM: Dat wass last night! Tonite is "Hermaprodite Strippers Who Moon Nuns"
SW: No, that's Sally Jessse. Or was it Rikki?
CT: No, Rikki's doing "Serial Killer Makeovers". Maybe it was Roseanne?
AVM: Can we just call the match here?
SSS: Thank goodness there's at least ONE sensible announcer here! And anyway, Jerry's doing "I Stole Your Boyfriend and He Turned To Be A Transvestite."
JTM: Oh, yeah, dat's da one! Hey, how did douja get dat figure-four on da Duck?
AVM: Beats me! Anyway, he's really got it cinched in.. look at the anthropomorphic duck struggle.. can he reverse it? YES! He's got douja caught in the middle of the ring! Toker comes in to make the save... Big Elbow drop!! That's gotta hurt!
douja: Yeah, it did!
SW: I see Tokers' perceptional difficulties haven't improved. Nice headbutt there, though.
Referee: Ow! Headbutt me again and you're out of here!
Toker: Whoa... like, chill, dude...
SSS: In the meantime, douja has managed to escape the figure-four! Biiiiig bodyslam! He tags in Toker... Tokers going up the ropes! High risk territory here! Lenny Duck's up!
SW: Does Toker know that?
CT: Obviously not! Here he comes!
AVM: Ooooh! 450 Splash in an empty pool! Tokers in trouble! Baxter's in and going for the Head Explody.. or maybe it's the Head Implody.. some type of pychokenetic-assisted cranial maneuver, anyway.. Good Lord! Tokers tapping out!! Or maybe it's a muscle spasm.. but the refs calling for the bell anyway!
AL: Here are your winners.. LENNY "THE FORCE" BAXTER and LENNY DUCK!
SSS: What an opening match!
JTM: Yeah, whuteva...
SSS: And now, a quick word from our sponser...
We cut to a nerdy-looking man in a cheap suit. He opens a dictionary at random.
Nerdy-looking Guy: Exceptionable.
SSS: And we're back!
AVM: What the hell?
AL: This special Hardcore/Softcore match is scheduled for one fall, as per usual. Introducing first, the reigning WWF "You Gotta Be Crazy, I Aint Doing That" Champion, BIRRRRRDBOY!
("Fly Away" by Lenny Kravitz plays as Birdboy runs to the ring. Big night for all the Kravitz fans in attendance...)
AL: And his opponent... "SOFT CORE" ZACK!!!
("Enter Sandman" (Pat Boone/DJ Fled Remix) plays. Big pop for Zack, DJ Fled gets booed off stage. The Dumpster of Doom is dutifully wheeled out by Deviance.)
AVM: And we're underway! Birdboy cartwheels across the ring, and delivers a stunning forearm shot to Zack! What a maneuver! Zack reels back as Birdboy presses the attck!
SSS: Birdboys' a tough customer alright! Knife-edge chop! Hangmans' neckbreaker! Birdboy showing the skills that took him to the WWF Heavyweight Title! He slingshots Zack to the ropes and delivers a powerful facejam! Going for the pin.. not even a one count!
SW: Go for the weapons! Let's see some blood!
JTM: And some puppies!
CT: And a Geritol on the rocks, no chaser!
AVM: Birdboy slides out to the floor and drags the Big Box O' Hardcore Props (TM) out from under the ring! Business just picked up! Deviance throws Zack a Nerf(TM) Baseball bat! Birdboys' got a non-stick frying pan! Zack leaps off the apron and blasts Birdboy with his baseball bat!
SSS: Interesting, though ineffectve! Birdboy waffles Zack with the frypan! Look at that thick steel warp like so much cheap aluminium! Zack crashes to the arena floor! Legdrop to the back of the neck! Birdboy pauses to decide between the trash can, the cookie sheet and the kitchen sink...The trash can it is!
JTM: Bust his @ss open, man!
AVM: Zacks in real trouble! He reaches under the ring and find a fire extinguisher!
CT: I was wondering where that was! Excuse me.
AVM: Captain Twilight has left the broadcasting position! I wonder why?
(Cut to the backstage area, where a small fire is blazing merrily in Captain Twilights dressing room.)
AVM: Zack managed to get the upper hand before Captain Twilight took the extinguisher off him. He drags Birdboy up the aisle and slams him against a crate full of ping-pong balls! Deviance hands Zack a sack full of novelty foam rubber bricks! Zack in charge now as he bounces those almost weightless foreign objects off Birdboys body! Wait a minute! Someones coming down the aisle!
SW: It's the Green Mosheen! Go get him Green! Show him your stuff!
AVM: OH! Double Famouser from Birdboy and Zack! The Mosheen is down!
SW: Aw crap! YOU SUCK, GREEN MOSHEEN! BOOOO!
AVM: Zack grabs the distracted Birdboy and slings him towards Deviance... Big Devi-bom.. Deviancebomb... Nice powerbomb from Deviance! Right on the ramp! Zack looks for another not-too damaging weapon... and he finds.. BILL! Look at the beating he's dishing out with the STWF's most-injured wrestler! They're in the backstage area now!
SSS: Zack still in control! He tosses away the now-useless BILL and hits Birdboy with an inflatable squeaky hammer! A slab of foam insulation! A potted geranium!
JTM: Hank's gonna be P.O'ed!
SSS: Birdboy reverses the flow as he whips Zack into a convenient roller door! Slams him into an ice cream truck and batters him with a plastic pipe! This is Harrrrrrrd-core, folks!
JTM: Hey, theys going outside! Yo, Kamera Kid, you gots ta folla them!
KK: Forget it! It's raining!
AVM: Great. We'll have to go to our backup camera.
(Cut to a blurred shot of two tiny figures in the distance.)
JTM: Thass a security camera! An' it aint even ours!
SW: Yeah, it's about three buildings away! How can we call this match?
SSS: Since when has that ever bothered you in the past, Scotty? Anyway, in the meantime, here's another word from our sponser...
(We cut back to the guy with the dictionary.)
AVM: What happened? Is it over?
AL: Ladies and gentlemen.. the winner of this contest..and NEWWWWWWWW WWF "YGBCIADT" Champion... "SOFT CORE" ZACCCCCCK!
AVM: He won? How, I will never know!
SW: And with the reputation of your replay guy, neither will anyone else!
SSS: Anyhoo, it's time for our next match... and this one's going to be a doozy! An all-in three-team elimination match!
SW: You love these confusing, no-one-knows-who-they're-fighting-matches, don't you Sammy?
SSS: Well, let's just say that you're talking to the inventor of the "Blindfold Battle Royal", Scotty!
AL: This is the "Super Seven" Elimination Match. Three teams of seven will batlle it out until only one remains! Introducing first, TEAM WWF!
Voice Over: WE'RE THE DEPLOY-MENT! OF UNEMPLOY-MENT!
(A generic pounding beat heralds the arival of Team WWF, who are greeted with a chorus of boos.)
AL: Introducing... "HANDSOME" HANK HAWKINS!
EL JABORONIE LOCO!
MIKE AND TIM, THE PISSED TEENS!
(The music changes slightly, gains a little bass, and is now overdubbed with "THE 'NO SAYS..THE 'NO SAYS...")
AL: And team captain.. THE DOMINO!
(The WWF-ers line up in the center of the ring and flip a simultaneous bird to the crowd.)
AVM: Why is Plants on the WWF team?
SW: We still have him under contract...
AL: Secondly... TEAM STWF!!
(Huge pop as the home team comes out to "The Impression That I Get" by The Mighty Mighty Bosstones.)
AL: Introducing... THE TIGER!
SCULDER of THE AGENCY!
and team captain..
(The sound of stuff breaking fills the arena... Thunderous pop drowns out Announcer Lad as the Bald-headed Texan enters the facility.)
SW: Wait a minute! Why is Plants on both the WWF Team and the STWF team?
AVM: Comedy relief.
AL: And, finally.. TEAM COIN! Comprising of NEIGE THIRTEEN!
("All By Myself" plays as the lone ex-Coin-er heads to ringside.)
SW: I knew they couldn't scrape together 7 wrestlers.. even Caleb Cordes refused to participate!
SSS: Oh, well, never mind. Bell's gone, this one is under way! And it's The Tiger, Mike and Neige Thirteen to start things off! El Tigre nails Mike with a standing side kick! Neige spears The Tiger! Great move! Quick kip-up from Mike! He tags out to Oingo Boingo! Oingo slaps a full-nelson on The Tiger! Neige is on the recieving end of a nasty eye-rake from Oingos' free hand!
JTM: Say whut? Hey, dat dude gots three arms!
SSS: Nice spotting, Jamal! Nice hip-toss escape from the Tiger! A quick tag to Billy Polar! The kind-of luchador is in and on fire! Check out that spinning heel kick!
AVM: Oh Yeah! The STWF at it's finest!! For whatever that's worth! Oingo Boingo and Billy Polar all over each other... Neige 13 slides back into his own corner to rest! Hikanrana sends Oingo skidding across the mat! Polar's snapping! He dropkicks Oingo! He dropkicks The Domino! He dropkicks Bohemoth! That may have been a mistake!
Bohemoth is in the ring! CHOKESLAM! CHOKESLAM! Polar's down! Oingo tags in El Jaboronie Loco! He looks like he's going for the fabled 720 Corkscrew Plancha! Here it comes...!!
(Cut to the Nerdy Guy.)
(Back to the ring.)
AVM: WHOA!! What a move! 1..2..3!! Polar is gone! Loco scores the first pin.. but look out!!! Mad Cow just gave Loco The Bull Rush!! And Neige 13 adds injury to injury with a Senton Splash! Loco is all done! 1..2..3! No way was he getting up from that combo! Plants comes in for the WWF team! Short-arm clothesline to Neige 13! Rakes the eyes of Mad Cow! A Gutbuster on the North American champ! Pure arrogance from the Silky Surgeon!
JTM: "Arrogance"? Are dey selling dat again? Coo', I gots to get a bottle!
SW: I prefer Calvin Kleins "Pretentiousness" myself..
AVM: Will you two idiots shut up! Plants headbutts Neige to the mat! Tag to Tim! Mad Cow over to make a tag as well.. to S.M.P?
SW: It's legal! Plants isn't happy, but that's what you get for freelancing!
AVM: Tim of the Pissed Teens kicking and chopping at his two opponents now! He's a house of fire! A One man assault force! A severe over-acter! Look at this boy go! Charges Neige 13... Clothesline city! Side Russian leg-sweep from SMP drops Tim.. Plants tags to...
(Huge pop drowns out the announce team momentarily.)
AVM: ...at him go to work! Luke atomic drops Neige Thirteen! Stomping away at him now! He's opening a can of Luke-Hoo on the Coin-er! Tim comes in to help... STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER!! STONECUTTER!!!! Say goodnight Tim..1..2..3! He's gone! Mike comes in immediatly.. STONECUTTER!! He's gone as well!! Luke's cleaning house! Handsome Hank Hawkins in for the WWF. Luke tags out to Sculder!
SW: Uh-oh! Hanks got a well-documented penchant for well-dressed men!
AVM: And he's chasing the agent around the ring! Sculder looks horrified! Niege Thirteen is in his way! He drops a shoulder and the Agent goes flying!
SW: Notify Air Traffic Control!
SSS: Sculder ends up in the fourth row! Neige 13 seizes the opportunity and bulldogs Hawkins! Covers...kickout at two by Hank! Neige tries for a powerbomb.. reversal into a backdrop from the leader of The Pink Corner! He tags out to SMP! No rest for the doctor in this one!
AL: Sculder, has been COUNTED OUT!
AVM: Sculder is out of here! Bohemoth is in! Plants and Neige are locked up in the center of the ring.. The Big Bo goes to the top... SMASHER!! Covers both..1...2...3!! They're both gone.. no! Ref says that Neige got a shoulder up! Plants has been eliminated though! He climbs out of the ring..only to be tagged by Bohemoth! He's still in the match as a STWF-er!
JTM: Dass right!
AVM: Sorry, I thought you had more dialouge, Jamal...
JTM: Man, I only gets about three line in dis whole damn match! Ahhh, I'm outie!
AVM: Well, as Jamal leaves the booth in disgust, the action continues in the ring! Nice maneuver from the Tiger there!
SW: When did he get in? And who eliminated Plants?
AVM: Who can tell? Chet, a replay?
(Cut to a replay of the match, viewed from an overhead Goodyear-blimp-type shot.)
SW: Well that helps...
SSS: Anyway, things are thinning out now.. The Tiger, Bohemoth, Mad Cow and Luke (Massive Pop).. still there for the STWF, Neige 13 hanging in for Coin, and Oingo Boingo, Hawkins and The Domino left for the WWF! The Tiger gives Oingo Boingo a German Suplex! Neige with a Belgian Suplex on El Tigre! Hawkins with a Lithuanian Underhook Suplex! Tiger with a Reverse Danish Suplex! Tag to (Thunderous pop) and the Texan is setting something up....
AVM: STONECUTTER on Oingo!! STONECUTTER on Neige!! STONECUTTER on Hank!!! One for The Domino! Bohemoth gets one! So does the Tiger! Mad Cow is STONECUTTERed! The ref! The timekeeper! Sculder finally gets out of the stands and even he gets one! All the Spanish announcers get a STONECUTTER! A popcorn salesman, three of the ringcrew, DJ Fled, and Jamal get STONCUTTERS! Lukes in the backstage area now, Stonecutting anyone in range!!! Homicidal Hank gets one! So does Spike! STONECUTTER on The Organ Grinder! Sir Hungalot! El Spheros!! Coma! B.F Sack who was just here to shoot "Even More Secrets Of Pro Wrestling You Already Knew IV"!! It's a STONECUTTING Rampage! Mittens gets one! So does the Violent Pacifist! Good Lord, that was the Doomsday Chicken! Is he still around? STONECUTTER for him, anyway! All our jobbers line up for a STONECUTTER! StreetMime, BILL, Hammond Egger! The former No-Talent Soldiers go down like bowling pins! Luke's in the carpark! STONECUTTER on the valet parking guy! STONECUTTER on HIMSELF!! Do you believe it??!!
AL: *ahem*... Luke Warm... has been COUNTED OUT!
AVM: Announcer Lad? How did you avoid getting a STONECUTTER?
AL: I was hiding under the ring... you think I'm stupid?
AVM: Good call! Back in the ring, Neige has covered Oingo Boingo for the three-count! The Domino is finally in for the WWF! Drop-kick on Neige ! Mad Cow piledrives The Domino! Big Headbutt on Neige! The Notorious C.O.W is going to work!
SW: Moooo-ve it or lose it, I guess...
AVM: When did you get back, Cap? Double arm DDT on Neige.. a cover... and Neige is finally out of it after a marathon solo effort! The pride of the now-defunct COIN returns to the locker room!
SSS: The Domino has tagged out to Hawkins... Oh MY! Backdoor Butt Slam on The Mad Cow! M.C MC isn't going anywhere after that! 1..2..3! And we're down to 2 on 2! Bohemoth and the Tiger versus Hank and the Domino! And predictably enough all four men are in the center of the ring, slugging it out! The ref can't control the action, even though he had no trouble when there was 15 men out there!
AVM: The Tiger is knocked over the top! Samoan Drop for Hank!! Cover by Bohemoth... The Domino makes a desperate save! And there's a lowblow from behind by Hank! The Domino blasts Bo with a taped fist at the same time! The ref finally gets Domino out, but the damage has been done! Cover by Hank ..1..2..3!!!! Bohemoth's gone! It's two on one!
CT: Hey! The Domino has got something in that tape.. it's a horseshoe!
SW: I thought his hand looked swollen!
AVM: No wonder Bo went down so hard! The Tiger is facing huge odds here! Hank is out on the floor, slamming El Tigres' head into the steps! Ooh! Mule kick evens up the score! The action returns to the ring! Tiger slingshots Hank to the ropes! Drops his head and pays the penalty! Huge Jawjacker from The Handsome One! Tag to Domino! Gut-wrench suplex! A series of elbow drops now! This looks bad for The Tiger!
SW: WWF! WWF! WWF! Go boys!
SSS: Double team move coming up! Domino to the top, while Hank holds The tiger immobile! Here comes that loaded fist!
AVM: OH! Tiger gets away! Hank just took the full force of that horseshoe between his eyes! He's down! Tiger covers..1..2..3!!! It's down to one-on-one!!
SW: C'mon Domino.. you can do it! You can do it!! You can..Awwwww CRAP!!
AVM: TIGER DRIVER!!! One..TWO...THREE!!! The former STWF Champ wins it!
AL: Here is the Sole Survivor... THE TIGER!!!!
(Huge pop from the fans for the two-time Champ.)
SW: Damn that home ground advantage!
AVM: Marvellous victory for the Tiger there, and a spectacular match!
SSS: Yes, indeed! The only problem with that match was the fact that it ran overtime! So, instead of bringing you the Roy D. Rage/Kamikazie Ken WWF Heavyweight Title Unification Match Main Event, here is the edited highlights!
(We cut to 1 minute and 15 seconds of still photographs from the match, over which AC/DC's "Back In Black" is being played.)
Voice Over: Here is your winner.. and UNDISPUTED WWF CHAMPION... ROY D. RAGGGGGGE!!!!!! And for your added enjoyment.. An unneccesary 5-on-1 beatdown of the new champion!!!
(Cut to 30 seconds of footage of Ken, The Domino, The Fumbuckers and Handsome Hank pummeling Roy D. Rage. We fade out just as Luke Warm arrives and begins STONECUTTing people at random.)
© 2004 BOB Wrestling Home Video!
2000 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre/Whatever Wrestling Federation International/COIN Enterprises Ltd (In receivership)