[Straight to ringside we go to Mikey Styles and Scotty Whatbody.]
Styles: Hello everyone, and welcome to Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! We are live in Sin City at the Clown's Pocket in Sin City! And Scotty, what a way to start of the show. Death. Steve Studnuts. ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS! Steel cage!
[Styles and Scotty stare at the camera for several seconds.]
SW: Um. Any day now Heidi…
[Pulls out a laptop.]
SW: Guess I'll go search for porn while Heidi tries to get her microphone working.
Styles: Wait, let me check my e-mail.
SW: Get your own laptop!
[Finally, we get a shot of the cage. It's the family friendly eyesore. The Big Ugly Orange Cage. Nurse Heidi is behind bars. Cue Scotty's excitement…]
SW: Woohoo! Heidi behind bars! I swear I've had this dream before.
[Cue some "extreme" hype.]
Styles: This one will no doubt be…EXTREME!
[Right then. "Killed by Death" by Motorhead hits. Crowd goes boo.]
NH: Ladies and gentlemen, this opening steeeeeeel caaaaaage contest is set for one fall, and will be for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS! Introducing first, the challenger and number one contender. He hails from the Netherworld, and is a former ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. THIS. IS. JEOPARDY! I mean, DEATH!
Styles: As Death makes his way out, let's take a look at how Death became the number one contender.
[The bell rings.]
SW: Generic Ref saw it? Oh, COME ON!
[Back to now.]
SW: That's IT? The flipping hell was that?
Styles: It was an On-Demand, and fans, it's still available at www.bobwrestling.com! Send us money and see the full UnFOURgiven match to find out more! And while you're there, check out Power is Stolen and Running on Empty! Send us your money!
SW: When did we turn into an infomercial? And when did you turn into Kevin Trudeau? If you start shilling natural cures that they don't want you to know about, I will end you.
["Dead Between the Walls" by Pelican plays next. The crowd jumps to their feet after I send an electric pulse through all their chairs. Mwahahahaha!]
NH: And his opponent. He is from Phoenix, Arizona, and weighs 262 pounds of solid muscle. He is the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, and represents the iAd, ladies and gentlemen, Steeeeeeve Studnutsssssss!
SW: Woohoo! Greatest champion ever.
Styles: Now let's take a look at how Steve Studnuts won that title.
SW: Oh boy…dare we?
Styles: Studnuts with the double cover. No! No! No! Oh no.
[Back to the present.]
SW: Sadly, that is the best we've ever done on showing clips. Did we stop hiring people off the short bus and start hiring minorities or something? Are Mexicans really cheaper labor than retards now?
Styles: Scotty! That's terrible!
SW: But true. TIMMY~!
Styles: Stop it! Death and Studnuts are both in the cage. These two are former members of the Skull & Bones Society, a group that dominated BOB for years here.
SW: Not to mention they had the greatest commentator in BOB history as a member of the Skull & Bones.
Styles: I don't remember GBH being in the Skull & Bones.
SW: What? No! ME!
Styles: You? Are you sure you're talking about you?
SW: Yeah. I think…Can I swear at you?
Styles: No! We're on cable.
SW: What the fedge!
Styles: Studnuts and Death are eye to eye socket here. Fans, I've been waiting YEARS to see this one!
SW: Yeah. Great thing we're not making any money off of this main event caliber match and we're just throwing out there for free. We really are TNA, aren't we?
Styles: Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! And what a way to return to G5TV! And Studnuts heading right for the cage. And I don't blame him.
SW: I hope Studs is wearing a cup. Death is known for making men permanently limp.
Styles: Death with repeated knee lifts into Studnuts back.
SW: He has to repeat. He only has three moves.
Styles: Studnuts down to his knees, and now Death trying to climb the cage.
Crowd: Let's go jerkweed! *Clap, clap, clapclapclap* Let's go jerkweed! *Clap, clap, clapclapclap* Let's go jerkweed! *Clap, clap, clapclapclap*
SW: Which one are the fans rooting for?
Styles: Hard to figure. But I think Studnuts, since he's the heel here. Studnuts now unloading on Death with punches. Studnuts is actually outbrawling Death here. Whip to the corner is reversed. Death with a running clothesline! Oh my GOD! Sideslam! Death could be closing in on the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS for the second time. Touch Of Death coming up! But Studnuts blocking the attempt.
SW: Studnuts just crawled through Death's legs! BWAHAHAHA! Death's fingering himself!
[The camera suddenly pulls back WCW style.]
SW: Hey! I can't see it anymore! What's the meaning of this? Free speech is overrated, I guess. Censorship reigns.
Styles: Studnuts has Death up now. OH MY GOD! Studnuts with a pumphandle fallaway slam into the cage! The champion is down! And we've got to take a break! Fans, don't go anywhere, we'll be right back!
Wrestling fans, October Surprise is coming soon! Don't you dare miss it! Get drunk, get stoned, and most important of all, get out your credit cards and send us money! October Surprise! Coming in October, live on BOB-On-Demand!
Styles: Welcome back fans. And during the break—
SW: Studs lost his smile. But then he found it again. It was a very touching moment.
Styles: Studnuts has Death locked into the Climax, which is like–
SW: A reverse cowgirl combined with dragon sleeper?
Styles: Close enough. I was going to say surfboard, but leave it to you.
SW: I have to have some fun with these stupid PG rules on G5. Boy, are the fans who order our On-Demands going to be shocked by my filthy mouth.
Styles: They sure will. Our On-Demands are totally uncensored, just like October Surprise will be! Death is somehow getting up? Sideslam breaks the submission hold. Not that it would've worked in this match. The only rule is to escape the cage. Now Death crawling up the cage.
[The 2-Cheap 2-Own TV lights up. Katie Vicks-Death, Death's zombie cheerleader wife, is watching the show on a television set. Zombie Mr. Fantastic shuffles onscreen with an acoustic guitar covered in maggos and cockroaches. He begins strumming some "music."]
ZMF: Rar rarrr ra rar Mrs. Vicks-Death. Raarr raarr rar raar raar rar raar raar. Rar brains rar, raaarr Mrs. Vicks-Death. Raarrr raarr r raarr rar raarr rar raar. Braaaaaains, braaaaains, braaaaaains.
[After a loud mess of noise, Zombie Mr. Fantastic looks down to see his fingers have all fallen off thanks to the guitar strings.]
Katie Vicks-Death: Rar raarr raar rar ra?
[Back to the ring.]
Styles: Studnuts charges, but Death with a bony foot takes the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS down.
SW: Was that sung to the tune of "Mrs. Robinson"?
Styles: I honestly couldn't tell.
SW: Wow. That was awful. Zombie Mr. Fantastic is moving in on Death's piece of dead ass.
Styles: Studnuts has Death now. Skull meets cage. Jerkweed Death Drop! Unbelievable! Now Studnuts looking to escape the cage. But Death is back up. He's behind Studnuts now. Oh no!
SW: Netherworld Death Drop?
Styles: Inverted DDT from the top rope! Wow. It's Death Drops for everyone. Too bad Generic Ref isn't in there, or he could help one of them do the old Drudley Death Drop of Doom.
SW: Please. Generic Ref gets winded picking up a sandwich.
Styles: Netherworld Powerbomb coming up! Oh no! Not into the cage!
[A slot machine bell rings.]
Styles: The cage wall just collapsed! Studnuts literally was thrown through the cage! And he rolled off the cage onto the floor.
Crowd: Holy crap! Holy crap! Holy crap!
SW: But he was also thrown through the cage! Which means he just won. Death can't believe it! Hahaha! Nice.
Styles: I think this was a plot by the iAd to screw Death!
SW: What? Why? Our cages fall apart all the time.
Styles: Studnuts never climbed on that side of the cage. He only crawled over there right before Death went for the move. He must've known Death would want to incapacitate Studnuts before trying to climb out.
SW: I will not stand for these allegations! But I will keep sitting through them since they're so outrageously stupid. And I'm very, very lazy.
NH: Here is your winner, and STILL BOB ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, Steve Studnuts!
Styles: It's The Great! The Great is behind Studnuts. And now The Great is unloading on the Grand Slam Champion. The Great's bringing Studnuts back to the ring! And here comes Trable.
SW: Oh no! Somebody stop this! Trey! Seth! Where are you guys?
Styles: This is like Running on Empty all over again, except this time Steve Studnuts is GREATly outnumbered. Trable's got the mic?
SW: Oh boy.
Pete "XFactor" Trable: Yo to yo to the fother mucking yo.
The three of us ain't gonna let this lil biznotch Studnuts go
It don't matter to me if your boy here dies
So we about to lay out a challenge for October Surprise
Hey, iAd, we'll pop a bony finger in yo' boy's ass and watch y'all go down in flames
If y'all don't get out here and accept our challenge…for Snore Games!
Styles: Whoa! Death, Trable and The Great vs. the iAd at October Surprise? What a match that will be!
SW: The iAd doesn't negotiate with terrorists or terrible white rappers. No way this is happening!
["Not All Who Wander Are Lost" by DevilDriver hits. Trey Vincent and Seth Harker emerge from the back, looking a bit concerned for their iAd brother.]
TV: Look, look. Whatever you do, Pete, there is no need to anally invade Studnuts butt.
TV: All right. As a sign of good will, how about you let one of the hostages go. You give us something, then we'll give you something.
PT: That sounds fair—
Death: No it doesn't! We only have ONE hostage you idiot!
PT: Oh. Yeah! Whadafxupwitdat?
TV: Fine, I can see you're too smart to fall for that. Fine. Seth, what do you say?
[Seth strokes his chin for a moment, then grabs the microphone.]
Seth: As Acting BigBOSS, I am inclined to approve this match.
Seth: On one condition. We also get Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" on our team. And you can have. *Snort* Jerri Li.
The Great: WHAT? That Jerri Li imposter is afraid of spiders and papercuts. She faints at the sight of blood! The Great says she's useless to Team GREAT. Especially if they bring pieces of papers filled with bloody spiders into the ring!
Death: I said fine. Trust me.
The Great: The Great? Trust YOU? The Great trusts you about as much as you trust your wife around Zombie Mr. Fantastic.
Crowd: Ohhhhhhhh! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Death: Oh really, Mr. The Great Is Getting A Turkey Dinner Cooked By Angelina X If He Lays Down For A Cripple Next Week On iMPLOSION 11? How does your wife feel about you cheating on her cooking? And how do I even know I can trust you if Nurse Heidi offers to make a sex tape with you?
Styles: Whoa. How did Seth do that?
SW: It was the old "the camera's not on him" trick.
PT: Yo! Our hostage just got stolen by Seth Harker!
Dude, you as old and weak as Bob Barker
Death: Am not!
PT: Are too! D2. Foo'!
Hey, Trey, tell Sarah I can't wait to get my head between her thighs
I'll spank that blonde slayer's ass until she cries
I don't need no title belts, just a slice of that sweet poontang pie
See all you bitches in the cage at October Surprise
Styles: Wow. What a start to iMPLOSION! We've got a main event for October Surprise! But can The Great, Pete Trable, Death and Jerri Li co-exist? They'll be going against a united iAd in Steve Studnuts, Trey Vincent, Seth Harker and Sarah "The Jobber Slayer." Fans, still to come tonight. Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" is in action against Misty Waters! Plus, Axl takes on Luke Warm.
SW: Ohhhhh! Axl? I hope Michelle will be out here for commentary at least.
[Cut to darkened room with fuzzy orange carpet and peeling, lime green wallpaper. We hear nothing but water dripping from a tap for a few moments until the door explodes open. Three disgusting looking individuals charge in.]
Christian St. Christian: I worked my fingers to the bone putting this ritual together, you knuckleheads had better not *BEEP* up.
Scatman: He started it!
CSC: This took too much preparation for it to be just thrown to the dogs with your constant bickering. Scatman, help me set up, Tentacle Beast, you go and bring the girl in. Be gentle with her, she isn’t one of your precious Japanese schoolgirls.
[The hulking squid-like monster leaves as CSC and Scatman begin pulling the carpet up with knives.]
Scatman: So what do we do, piss pentagrams onto the floorboards?
CSC: We killed that girl earlier for a damned good reason Scatman.
Scatman: I gotta piss real bad though.
[Tentacle Beast returns with a bound and gagged Kay Fabe. He uses his slimy tentacles to untie her and sits her down on the floor.]
Kay Fabe: Let me go you freaks!
Tentacle Beast: We can’t.
Kay Fabe: Oh my God, is that guy covered in dookie?
CSC: Kay Fabe, I swear no harm will come to you. We need your Wiccan powers, you’re the only person alive we know that can bring the dead back to life.
Kay Fabe: Let me take a wild guess, you want to bring Jerri back, right? Or was Kevin kinkier than I thought?
Kay Fabe: Never mind. It doesn’t look like I have a choice in the matter does it?
[Tentacles Beast wriggles one of his tentacles in front of her face and strokes her ear. Her skin visibly crawls.]
Kay Fabe: Let’s just get it over with.
[CSC gives her a dusty book and a golden chalice filled with blood. Kay Fabe looks up at him quizzically.]
CSC: We needed blood to make it work so we called the girl BOB hired to fill in for her.
Kay Fabe: Well that wraps everything up into a neat little package doesn’t it? I suppose I have to drink this, am I right?
Scatman: Just pretend it’s wine or a strawberry milkshake.
[CSC flips through the pages and points at a line of writing.]
CSC: Once you have consumed the sacrificial blood read these words and we should see some fireworks.
Kay Fabe: Okey-dokey.
CSC: Stand back guys.
[Kay Fabe winces and drinks the blood. She holds her hand to her chest and suppresses the urge to vomit.]
Kay Fabe: Beelzebub geboren in marteling sta herboren geroepen Jerri Li toe om van de branden van hel te zijn!
[White light appears through the cracks in the floorboards and the room begins to shake. The wood shatters and a skeleton covered in slime crawls out, screaming like a newborn baby. Flesh begins to appear on its bones and hair grows out of it’s head.]
CSC: Welcome back, Jerri Li.
Jerri Li: Where am I? And who are you?
CSC: We are at a BOB show. My name is Christian St. Christian. That guy covered in faeces is Scatman and this is Tentacle Beast. We would like you to join our group.
Kay Fabe: Can I go now? Sarah’s going to be pissed at me.
[Mike Monroe stood before the camera with Unari Yukusha and the most talked about wrestler in Sports Entertainment, American Panda. AP sat on his plush behind and chewed on a stick of bamboo.]
Mike Monroe: I am here, folks, with American Panda and his translator, Unari Yukusha. Unari, what can we expect from American Panda in BOB?
[Before Unari can answer, American Panda rolls onto all fours and the stands on his hind legs.]
American Panda: GRRRRRrrororororrwowr!
[Mike blinks at Unari.]
Mike Monroe: What's all that about? Feeding time at the zoo?
Unari Yukusha: No, Mike. It's about you directing your questions at me and not at American Panda.
Mike Monroe: You can't be serious. He's a panda for Christ's sakes.
Unari Yukusha: Not just ANY panda, Mike. He's AMERICAN Panda!
[American Panda beats his chest before snatching the microphone out of Monroe's hand. Mike falls into the foetal position and rocks back and forth. American Panda stares down the barrel of the camera.]
American Panda: Rowowowwrrrr GRRR grrr gr GRRRowr WOWr!
Unari Yukusha: American Panda said "he's going to eat the BOB roster alive for breakfast!"
[Mike pipes up hearing this, laughing uncomfortably.]
Mike Monroe: Surely, American Panda jokes, right?
Unari Yukusha: I am afraid not, Mike. In fact, in American Panda's spare time he hunts paparazzi and interviewers.
[More nervous laughter before Monroe spins on his heels and bolts down the hall away from American Panda.]
American Panda: GRRR! Rowrorooororowr grrrRRRRROWR!
Unari Yukusha: "And Axl! Your the, how-you-say, apperitifs!"
American Panda: RUAH!
Unari Yukusha: Erm... [clawing at the air looking pathetic like] "Roar!"
[An edited version of "Fuck and Run" by Liz Phair is playing as we return to the ballroom.]
SW: Oh baby! Misty Waters is here! And never has bacon smelled so sweet. Woohoo!
Styles: Excuse me?
SW: I'll explain it to you later, dumbass.
NH: The following contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, from Buttzville, New Jersey, Misty Waters!
[Misty Waters walks down the aisle dressed up in a cop's uniform, with the top unbuttoned to reveal tons of cleavage, and pants that are so tight that it looks like her crotch is eating her pants.]
SW: Damn, do I want to get that hoof print on my forehead.
SW: I haven't used any swear words or dirty words, Styles. I'm quite clever with my wordsmithing. A cunning linguist, one might say.
Styles: Uh-huh. Misty, of course, is starring in the new direct to DVD flick, "Lickyou Terrace."
SW: It's great. In the movie, Misty acts as the voyeur of the neighborhood, and learns some important lessons about interracial three-ways in the end. Very touching. And sexy.
Styles: Misty Waters and Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" is next!
[Daytime. A shot of a couple moving into a home. Cut to Misty Waters, who is hanging out with a Chinese woman.]
Chinese Woman: You gonna say helro to stoopid people?
MW: Nah, I'll give them a chance to settle in.
[Cut to an overhead shot of a generic suburban neighborhood. Cut inside a home.]
Guy: I always wanted to say this. We're an interracial couple!
[Girl gasps. Once he walks away, she pulls a "pocket friend" out of her pocket and giggles.]
[Cut to night. Guy is pulling into his garage. There's a knock on his window so he rolls it down]
MIsty Waters: Give up the lovemuscle man. Give it up!
[Insert sounds of moaning and groaning here.]
MW: (Wipes off her chin) Welcome to the neighborhood.
Guy: You banged the hell outta me, girl!
MW: Imagine that.
[Cut to nighttime. Guy and Girl are apparently naked when some spotlights shine into their bedroom.]
MW: (Bullhorning) Don't mind me!
[Guy looks out the window to see an entire film crew filming them.]
MW: I got nothing against you. I just need you guys to have your sex in your pool behind your house so I can watch. Maybe there are some places where that isn't "cool." So maybe that's where you oughta live.
Guy: Stay out of my pants!
[Cut to nighttime. The sound of a car alarm is going off.]
Guy: Oh man! The backseat is covered in DNA!
Girl: Hey, the back door's open. And there's Misty! Misty! Did you see anyone?
MW: No. But turn around so I can see that boo-ty! Oh baby!
[Cut to a restaurant.]
Random Black Guy: She's got the color issue on her side. And that color is...blue.
[Insert various shots of Misty ripping open her blue police uniform top from behind to distract street criminals.]
PREPARE TO CROSS THE THIN BLUE LINE
MW: I'm the police mutha*BEEP*! You have to do what I say! And it starts with a three and ends in a way.
Guy: She's trying to menage a trois us!
Different Guy's Voice: You guys are lucky. You have a horny cop next door.
[A shot of Misty Waters laughing.]
CUMING SOON TO DVD!
["Metalstorm/Face the Slayer" by Slayer is playing as we return from commercials.]
NH: And her opponent. She is from Cloudydale, Connecticut, and is the reigning T&A XX Division champion! Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"!
[Sarah, dressed in a white sleeveless shirt and tight black leather pants, bounces up and down at the entryway, getting ready for the match, which gets a good pop from the crowd.]
[And Scotty. After a few seconds, Sarah heads down the aisle and slides into the ring.]
SW: By the way, did you see that Jerri Li, the REAL Jerri Li is back?
Styles: How could I not notice. That group is vile.
SW: At least I'm assuming she's the real Jerri Li. All those Asians look alike to me. Amazingly, I'd consider those Fetish Freaks the third worst stable in BOB history.
Styles: I think I know which two you'd rank as worse than them. Hold on, Kay Fabe is coming out here now?
SW: Yes! Our redheaded lesbian quota has been lacking lately. Can't somebody hurt Heidi again?
SW: Hey! Don't throw your microphone at me, Heidi!
SW: Or the bell!
SW: Oh baby! Throw the other shoe! Aww, c'mon!
KF: Is that Heidi's shoe?
SW: Get your own, Kay!
Styles: What brings you out here, Kay?
KF: My feet.
KF: Hey! Where did Heidi get that drum set? That wasn't very nice.
SW: I think she was aiming at you on that one. Who's writing your material?
KF: The same knucklehead as always.
SW: Are you recoverd from that not-quite-a-virgin-anymore sacrifice dealie?
KF: I'm groovy. Though I could use some mouthwash.
SW: Is that what you call Seth's love juice?
Styles: Easy, Scotty. Tie up in the middle. Misty whips Sarah to the corner. Misty charges. Triple kick! Cover! One! Two! Three! SHEGOTHER!
SW: Wow. I guess Trey didn't like the movie. What about that, Kay?
Styles: Sarah's the best. I can't believe we weren't friends for so long.
Styles: Yeah. Must've been the whole turning on her thing and turning evil.
SW: Yep. Glad Sarah finally came to the cool side.
Styles: Well, Kay, great to see you. Sorry the match only lasted three seconds.
SW: Is that longer than a night in the sack with Seth?
KF: No, the nights have been really long lately. He's just begging and begging and begging. I need my beauty sleep. Seth was a bad puppy, and he's gotta pay for leaving me after Jerri put me through all those tables at Power is Stolen. Now, if you'll excuse me…
[Kay grabs the title and heads to the ring. She slides into the ring and rises up to Sarah's crotch level to offer her best friend the title belt.]
SW: Is she sniffing Sarah's crotch?
Styles: *Ahem* It looks like it. Well. This show just brings the disturbing. Well fans, up next, Axl takes on Luke Warm! We'll be right back!
BOB FACT: BOB has an Alexa rating of 11,234,468! Look out site #11,234,467! We're coming for you!
[Sounds of stuff breaking fill the ballroom. The deafening sounds of pissed fans booing the crap out of the man who will shortly enter to that noise soon follow. And here he is.]
NH: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your main event, and it is scheduled for at least a dozen STONECUTTERS! Introducing first, from Bumbeldink, Texas, he weighs 255 pounds, Luke Warm!
SW: Speaking of imposters. Why can't somebody grind up his bones and turn him into some hot Asian chick?
Voiceover: KEN-NE-DY! GOT ME BAN-NED-Y'D!
["Do You call My Name" by Ra hits. Deafening boos continue. Camera finds some black dude with dreds who's eating a banana with one hand and holding a sign that says "Rodney KING Axl." Now THAT'S irony, baby! The camera then cuts to the floor where Axl is getting a standing ovation from some pests. Odd…]
NH: And his opponent. From Sinister City, Utah. He weighs 666 pounds, give or take 400 pounds, this, is, Axl!
SW: Yes! Luke Warm will take care of Axl in like two minutes. Axl doesn't stand a chance.
[As Axl walks down the aisle, he catches sight of some Spanish guy with a goat.]
Spanish Guy: I tolded joo…
[The Spanish Guy suddenly drops to his hands and knees and then gets under the goat. HEY! Cut away! Camera cuts away just in time as the dude is about to get Biblical…make that Satanic Biblical with the goat.]
Styles: Did I almost just see what I think I almost just saw?
SW: Was that guy going to *Ffffffff* *Ffffffff* *Fffffffff* a goat?
Styles: It sure looked like it.
SW: Is Axl still watching him *Fffffffff* the goat?
Styles: I can't look. How can we have bestiality on our show and still be rated TV PG?
SW: By not showing it, I guess?
Axl: Dude, I was being SARCASTIC!
Spanish Guy: *Unintelligible mumbling* (Possibly, "I wasn't"?)
SW: Man. That Spanish guy's gonna look like Luke Warm after he's poured a Luke-Hoo all over himself.
Styles: Thanks for THAT mental image. And making me vomit in my mouth. Alright. Luke Warm and Axl are apparently ready to start this one now. Lock up in the middle of the ring. Axl backs Warm to the corner and now is unloading on the Thirstiest S.O.B. in BOB. Kick to the face by Axl.
SW: I haven't seen Axl this pissed since Ellen didn't send him an invite to her wedding.
SW: Jeff Hardy and Bono beg to differ. Bwahahaha!
Styles: Axl slams…slams…holds Warm a really long time.
SW: Did Axl train to wrestle at a Catholic Church? Yowza!
Styles: And finally slams Warm. And I think Luke's gonna need an extra long shower tonight.
["American Pie" by Don McLean hits. The crowd erupts in cheers as BOB's newest signee, American Panda, is led out by Unari Yukusha.]
Styles: Axl laid out a challenge to American Panda in the Rant Zone. Is American Panda coming out here to scout Axl?
SW: Hopefully he's here to eat him.
American Panda: ROAR!
Styles: And American Panda caused enough distraction to allow Luke Warm to start unloading on Axl with rights. Kick! STONECUTTER! NO! SINISTER SLICE BY AXL! Cover! One! Two! Three! Damn!
SW: Did Axl just WIN? Oh *BEEP* me. I knew Luke didn't stand a chance.
Styles: No you didn't!
[American Panda points a paw in Axl's direction before Unari Yukusha pulls American Panda to the back. Axl meanwhile, heads out to the floor and takes a chair into the ring, and then takes Heidi's microphone. After dumping Warm to the floor, Axl takes a seat in center ring.]
Axl: I'm not leaving this ring or letting this show go off the air until I get my BEER back!
SW: Beer? What beer?
Styles: Is he talking about the Beer in the Belly beer?
SW: Trey? Not drink beer? Don't you remember that kid's book Trey wrote. See Trey. See Trey spot beer. See Trey drink beer. Why Trey drink beer? Life is better drunk.
Styles: Well…I guess we can't end the show then.
SW: Sure we can. Let's just rip out these last three pages of the script and put up the copyright notice.
["My Michelle" by Guns 'N' Roses hits. Michelle, wearing a white blouse unbuttoned to her cleavage and black pants, heads down the aisle and gets in the ring.]
SW: Michelle is getting into the ring! My gawd, Styles. Can you believe it? She's standing on her two feet without falling over. And she's breathing!
Styles: Please don't tell me you've been watching Don West again. I will cut your microphone.
SW: Ratings are already no doubt in the toilet. Axl's on the screen.
Michelle: Axl. I don't know exactly what's going on with us lately. You don't call. You don't write. Your credit cards are maxed out. But what I do know is that I'm the Head Writer! And if you want that match, I will make it happen!
Axl: Really? Sweet.
Michelle: Say, do you have 50 bucks? There are these shoes that would totally match this outfit?
Axl: Are you saying that if I don't give you 50 bucks, that you won't give me the match?
Michelle: I am NOW.
Axl: Why didn't you think of this, y'know, like, four months ago?
Michelle: Hello, shopping like crazy. I thought of it now, isn't that all that matters? I want to make you a credible champion, and me a woman with no spending limits on your credit cards.
Axl: I guess. Fine.
[Axl hands over the $50 as "Not All Who Wander are Lost" by DevilDriver hits the speakers. Trey Vincent, the Vice President in Charge of Everything steps out with Sarah "The Jobber Slayer."]
SW: I smell a bi-curious tag match!
Styles: Trey's bi-curious?
SW: I'm sure he would be if he got drunk enough.
Styles: Let's see what the VPICOE has to say.
TV: First off…Scotty, I am NOT bi-curious. I'm strictly a boobs, vaj, hooters, legs, jugs, feet, funbags, stomach, mouth, breastises, ass and...did I mention knockers? MAN! Second off…Axl, since I'm feeling generous, I will give you that match against me for the Beer in the Belly. In TWO weeks.
[Crowd gives a confused "why should we care? we won't be here in two weeks" reaction.]
TV: However. For this match to happen, you must give ME something as well.
[Trey extends his hand outward. Axl gives him "five."]
TV: Remind me to wash my hand with gasoline and a lighter later, Sarah.
TV: I don't want "five." I want $50 as well.
Axl: But…I don't have any more money.
TV: What if we went to the ATM?
Axl: I'm still waiting for my last BOB check. Can you check on my invoice for me?
TV: Ah! Perfect! So I can have your check?
Michelle: All of it?
Sarah: You stay out of this. You're the reason Trey's begging for money now.
Michelle: Oh, sell some of your porn on eBay. Jesus.
TV: You already did. When I was in the coma. Remember?
Michelle: *Sigh* Borrrrrrred!
TV: Think about it, Axl. You. Me. Main event. iMPLOSION 12. You could win the Beer in the Belly. Guaranteed ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. Maybe you could sell some of Viruz's computer crap or his luchadore masks, hell, maybe you can pimp out yourself to all your buddies in Sinister City for some extra cash, I don't know. I'm sure you can find something that's worth some money. Bottom line. You have two weeks. Make sure I get the money, and you can get the match against me. (Trey chuckles) Of course, then you also have to BEAT me. Which ain't happening EVER, jackoff.
Styles: Can you believe this? Trey is so desperate for money that's he trying to get Axl to bribe him for a shot at the Beer in the Belly!
SW: Oh, Trey! Don't do that! I can't stand King Axl, let alone ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS Axl.
Styles: Fans, it's been a crazy night. How will Axl raise the money to pay off Trey? Join us next week. The Great and "Stupendous" Stephen Hawking will try to become the number one contender for the Swiss Army Belt. You'll see six man action as Kid Pirate, Coma, and Hallucination Boy face Seth Harker, Insano Mano and Kamikazie Ken. And you'll also see Kobe Gyant taking on Black Chair of the 4 Steelchairs.
©2008 BOB Wrestling!
Styles: Thanks for joining us everybody! See you next week! For Scotty Whatbody, this is Mikey Styles saying…oh my GOD!