Brawlers On A Budget

>> home
>> upcoming shows
show archives
> 2009
> 2007
> 2006
> 2005
> 2004
> 2003
> 2002
> 2001
> 2000
> 1999
>> forums
>> roster
>> title history
>> rules
>> application
>> eWrestling wiki
>> credit
>> links

Kid Pirate

[Backstage at iMPLOSION Kid Pirate and Pretty Boy walk the halls until they finally stop in front of Seth Harker's locker room. OK, it's a janitor's closet with "Harker" written in red crayon and the word "Janitor" crossed out with the very same crayon. Kid Pirate smiles and strokes Pretty Boy's head.]

Kid Pirate: YARRRRR!  Pretty Boy, we be gettin' the thrones of BOB soon enough, me hearty.  Soon Harker will be at Kid Poirate's sword and I'll make that land lovin' land lover walk the plank.  YARRRR!

Pretty Boy: Walk the plank!  Walk the plank!  RAWK!

Kid Pirate: Aye, that be the plan, Pretty Boy.  Seth Harker is walkin' into the clutches of Kid Poirate like a three year-old chasin' a lollypop hangin' out of Gary Glitter's under garments.  YARRR!

Pretty Boy: Gary Gli-  RAWK?

Kid Pirate: YARRRR! Kid Poirate just spewed a little in the back of his throat he did.

Pretty Boy: Gross.  RAWK!  Gross.

Kid Pirate: YARRRR!  It be gross, it be.

[The Pirate Icon of BOB continues to peg it down the hall, preparing for his match.]

Trey Vincent

[Trey Vincent, BOB's Vice President in Charge of Everything, is seen at his desk, typing away on a calculator. Ah, he must be working on the BOB budget, perhaps?]

TV: Oh, this can't be right. 5,537,8008? What's so funny about that?

[Vincent turns his calculator upside down.]

TV: Nope. Still not funny.

Kay Fabe

[Kay Fabe walks into the room.]

KF: Did you hear? BigBOSS and Mrs. Behave had their baby! You should come and check out the pic he sent.

TV: Did he name it Trey like I instructed?

KF: Um, no.

TV: Then I'm not interested.

KF: You're going to be one sad, old man.

TV: No worries. I won't make it to 50 with the things I've done to my body. Did he say if he's coming back?

[Kay shrugs and leaves.]

TV: That can't be good. BigBOSS had the kid. I need a raise. Damnit, he's going to give my raise to that baby! Maybe I can beat the baby in a raise on a pole match at MegaBrawl.

[Trey ponders that for a moment.]

TV: Nah, I've already jobbed out to a three-year-old. Never again. Think, Trey, think. Damnit, do I need a drink.

[Trey pulls out his wallet.]

TV: Damnit I need money.

[Trey eyes the Beer in the Belly briefcase.]

TV: Axl better have that $50 bribe if he wants that match against me.

[Trey taps his fingers on the briefcase. There's a knock at the door.]

TV: Opportunity? Is that you?

[The door creaks open.]

TV: You? What do you want?

Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #11

Seth HarkerKamikazie KenInsano ManoComaHallucination BoyKid Pirate

[Pan the Generic Ballroom in Sin City where a sold out crowd of a couple hundred people is doing nothing noteworthy. "Rising Sun" by Bexta is playing as Seth Harker leads out his teammates, Kamikazie Ken and Insano Mano.]

Styles: Hello everyone, and welcome to Brawlers On a Budget's Total Non-Action Wrrrrestling iMPLOSION! I'm Mike Styles, as always joined by the one and only, Scotty Whatbody. Scotty, tonight we'll see The Great and "Stupendous" Stephen Hawking battle it out to become the number one contender for the Swiss Army Belt.

SW: Man, we're gonna be blinded by stupidity here tonight, Styles. And The Great's in trouble if he thinks The Great's Figure Eight will get him a submission from BOB's paralyzed genius.

Styles: Also in action, you will see Kobe Gyant and Black Chair in what should no doubt be a heated contest.

SW: It's been said that Ric Flair could carry a broomstick to a three-star match. I guess we'll see if Kobe's got any "black magic" to turn that match into anything worth watching.

Styles: But right now, let's send it to Nurse Heidi for the announcements!

NH: This is the opening contest, and it is scheduled for lots of random silly noises. Introducing first, now making their way to the ring. First, from Suicida, Mexico, Insano Mano! From Banzai Falls, Georgia, Kamikazie Ken! And from Parts Unknown, he is BOB's Acting BigBOSS, Seth Harker!

Styles: Harker was named the Acting BigBOSS back on Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! 8. But as everyone backstage heard earlier this week, BigBOSS and Mrs. Behave welcomed their Li'lLi'lBOSS into the world.

SW: Yep, BigBOSS has gotta be ecstatic. Mainly for tax deduction purposes.

Styles: I hear BigBOSS's baby is the spitting image of his father.

SW: Dear god. I hope the baby's healthy at least!


["Yo Ho (A Pirate's Life For Me)" by Jonas Brothers hits. The crowd boos, probably more at the song than the wrestlers coming out. Possibly. Maybe. Perhaps?]

NH: And their opponents. First, from Parts Forgotten, this is Coma! Next, from Parts Imagined, Hallucination Boy. And from the Seven Seas, he's accompanied to the ring by Pretty Boy, Kid Pirate!

Styles: Quite an interesting team here, Scotty.

SW: If brain cells were firewood, these guys would all freeze to death.

Styles: It was 95 degrees today, Scotty.

SW: Fine! If they were in Alaska then.

Styles: Ha ha ha ha. Hey look. Hallucination Boy is dressed up like Charlie Haas. Look, he has a smoothie.

HB: I don't know funny. *Sips smoothie* Not over! *Sips smoothie*

Styles: (Forced laughter) Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh man, my sides are SPLITTING!

SW: What's the joke? Haas ISN'T funny. Haas, seriously, leave it to the parody professionals. Whoa. Has Coma been in black face this entire time?

Styles: OH MY GOD! He has!

SW: The World's Worst Tag Team?

Styles: I'm afraid so.

SW: Oh boy. This match is going to hurt my eyes and brain. Lovely.

Coma: Me. Gold. Nurfle! Narf! Are you ready for some weasels, poink!

SW: Well, at least he cuts a better promo than Shelton Benjamin.

Styles: Well, I think we're ready to get this one underway finally. Kid Pirate made his return at Running On Empty and jumped right back into the action, helping out Coma, Hallucination Boy, and Little Good who were rake victims.

SW: Pretty Boy's hardcore. I can't wait for Ken vs. Pretty Boy in an exploding ring death match or something.

Styles: Mano and Kid Pirate starting us off. Mano whipped to the ropes. Asai spinning headbutt connects! Kid Pirate wasn't expecting that one. Mano looking for a slam, but Pirate reverses. Dropkick!

Crowd: YARRR!

SW: DQ him! He just used a foreign object!

Styles: Scotty, that's his leg.

SW: His leg is made of wood, Styles.

Styles: It's his LEG!


Styles: LEG!

SW: Mano is picking splinters out of his mask. How can that be legal? If THAT'S legal, why aren't 16-year-olds and pot? I don't understand this world.

Styles: Kamikazie Ken in now. Kid Pirate with a monkey flip!


Styles: Seems like the crowd is having fun with Kid Pirate in control. Tag in to Coma. Achilles tendon puller on Ken! But Ken fighting back now. Coma ducks. Ken to the ropes. Flapjack Neck Press.

SW: A what? That isn't a real move!

Styles: You just saw it.

SW: I wasn't paying attention. This porn isn't gonna watch itself.

Styles: Is that an iPorn?

SW: Yep. Greatest invention ever. Steve Blowjobs is a genius.

Styles: *Ahem* Did we get away with that?

SW: How could we not? It's his name!

Styles: Right. Um.

Crowd: Poink standard! *Clap, clap, clapclapclap* Poink standard! *Clap, clap, clapclapclap*

Styles: Coma with a turnbuckle stomp!

SW: Does he think he's wrestling the turnbuckle? Or is he just having another confused episode?

Styles: Hard to tell. Look out. Ken with a dropkick…to the turnbuckle? What is going on?

SW: Maybe there's a spider on there. I don't know.

Styles: Ken grabs Coma now. Tornado bulldog? Interesting move there. One! Two! No! And now Ken's on Coma's back. Oh, he's literally riding him.

SW: Yippee-ki-yay, motherpoinker.

Styles: Look out for Hallucination Boy. Uh oh. Here it comes! The dreaded smoothie mist to Ken's eyes! Now Ken and Coma both need to make the hot tags.

SW: Yeah, seriously. Take it home, boys.

Styles: Tag to Harker! Tag to Hallucination Boy. Superkick takes Hallucination Boy down. But here comes Kid Pirate. Sweet Splinters in Your Chin Music takes Harker down! Mano with a shooting star DDT! AY DIOS MIO! He just took Coma out with that one.

Crowd: Mierda santa! Mierda santa Mierda santa

Styles: Kid Pirate up top. Skull & Crossbones takes down Harker! But now Ken on the attack.

Pretty Boy: RARK!

Styles: Ken's going after Pretty Boy! Kid Pirate with kip up? He's got Ken. Spinebuster!

[The crowd rises to their feet as Kid Pirate looks around at the the crowd. Kid Pirate spreads Ken's legs then bounces off the ropes.]

SW: It's time for the most painful move in sports entertainment today!


NH: Here are your winners of the match, Kid Pirate, Coma, and Hallucination Boy!

SW: Son of a…Pretty soon, Kid Pirate's gonna be one of those dead men who tell no tales. Count on it. Harker won't stand for this. And speaking of not standing, Stephen Hawking will be out here a bit later.

Styles: Scotty! Well fans, there are your winners.

Steve StudnutsTrey VincentSarah "The Jobber Slayer"

[Steve Studnuts, Trey Vincent and Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" hit the ring.]

SW: Yes! Finally, some good stuff!

Styles: Vincent assaulting Coma and Hallucination Boy with that skull cane he's been using of late, and Studnuts is using his multiple title belts to brutalize Kid Pirate! Oh no!

SW: Yo ho, yo ho, getting the snot beat out of him is the life for Kid Pirate! Bwahahaha!

Styles: The iAd, Sarah, Ken, and Mano are brutalizing Pirate, Coma and Hallucination Boy.

The GreatDeathPete "XFactor" Trable

[The crowd erupts as more people run in.]

Styles: The Great is here! Death, XFactor Pete Trable coming to the rescue against the men they'll face in Snore Games at October Surprise later this month!

SW: Now this is the hype I like to see. A bloody brawl! If only Jerri Li were out here this would be perfect. It's perfect catfight weather today.

Styles: Neither team giving an inch right now. Studnuts and Death! Vincent and The Great! Harker and Kid Pirate! Pretty Boy is pecking the hell out Kamikazie Ken! Fans, it's absolute chaos! ORDER OCTOBER SURPRISE! We'll be right back!

SW: Hey! Does the NHL go to commercial during a fight? Wait!

Wrestling fans, October Surprise is coming soon! Don't you dare miss it! Get drunk, get stoned, and most important of all, get out your credit cards and send us money! October Surprise! Coming in October, live on BOB-On-Demand!


[Outside of the hotel, Axl arrived with Michelle. Both of them approached the front door of the hotel.]

Security Guard: Excuse me, sir. You've been banned from the building tonight.

Axl: I've WHAT? I have a meeting with Trey Vincent! The Vice President in Charge of Everything.

Security Guard: Not according to this list.

Michelle: Am I allowed in?

Security Guard: Sure. Go on.

Axl: But I'm with her! Who the *BEEP* are you to ban me from the *BEEP* building?

Security Guard: Sir, there's no need to yell at me.

Axl: *BEEP* you!

[He pulls out a walkie-talkie.]

Security Guard: We have a situation at the front door.

Axl: What did I do to f*BEEEEP* deserve this? Call Trey! Why is everyone against me? I've been up for 27 hours to get here!

[Axl grabs a potted plant and smashes it.]

Security Guard: Sir, why do you hate the planet? Do you know how many polar bears you just killed by hurting that plant?

Axl: *BEEP*. YOU!

[Two large goons exit the hotel wielding computer keyboards.]

Goon 1: Sorry Axl, you are banned from using this hotel!

Goon 2: Question…

Goon 1: *DELETED*

Goon 2: Oh, don't start that again.

Goon 1: Mwahahaha!

Trey VincentSarah "The Jobber Slayer"

[Cut to Trey Vincent.]

TV: I wonder if I should edit in "Crush 'Em" by Megadeth into the background of this video.

Sarah: Meh.


[Michelle enters the room.]

Michelle: Will you please tell your goons to let Axl into the hotel?

TV: I would…but my wallet just got a lot fatter today.

[Michelle looks around.]

Michelle: Where's the Beer in the Belly case?

TV: I sold it on eTrey.

Michelle: eTrey?

TV: Yep. I have a lot of useful things apparently. And I'm going on vacation for the next two weeks.

Michelle: Wait. What? What about Axl's match against you for the Beer in the Belly match next week?

TV: That? That's SO off. Axl's a Chinaman's cock away from getting fired. I need a break from him, you, and hell, everybody here.

Michelle: Break? You've only been working for…one day!

TV: Two weeks. *Winks*

Michelle: We taped this all on the same day.

Sarah: Kay's gonna spank you for that one.

TV: Kamkorder Kid, get that one on tape, too!

KK: Yes sir!

Michelle: What are you doing! You're the Vice President in Charge of Everything!

TV: Not for the next two weeks, honey.

Michelle: If you aren't…then who is?

TV: Guess you'll find out with everybody else…later tonight.

[Trey leaves the room.]

Black ChairKobe Gyant

[Black Chair is in the ring as we return. "Hit Me Baby, One More Time" by Britney Spears is playing.]

NH: The following match is set for one fall. Introducing first, already in the ring, Black Chair.

["Me So Horny" by 2 Live Crew hits. The crowd pops a bit.]

SW: These Sin City fans are so strange. I can't figure out who's a heel anymore. Isn't Kobe the face? Why's he getting cheered? I demand more heel fans, damnit!

NH: And its opponent. From Los Santos, he weighs 280 pounds, Kobe Gyant!

Styles: Kobe was the victim of a brutal attack at Running on Empty by Steel Chair's newest group, the 4 Steelchairs. Black Chair is now part of the most elite group of inanimate objects in wrestling, Scotty.

SW: Woo frickin' hoo.

[Cut to a black man in the audience holding a sign: "If Kobe Loses…I Riot…If Black Chair Wins, I Riot…Basically, I'm Rioting Tonight No Matter What...Shoot If I Sneeze, I'm Rioting, B!tches!]

Styles: And here we go. Kobe on the attack with a kick to the Black Chair's seat. Kobe unloading with rights now. Black Chair is down! And listen to the crowd. Kobe drags up Black Chair. Black Chair with a leg to Kobe's midsection. Kobe doesn't even flinch! UPPERCUT by Kobe! Black Chair goes for the ride into the corner.

SW: And, he's got a…uh…chair leg submission bar thing locked on. He's going for the submission on a CHAIR? Oh boy.

Styles: Cross chairleg breaker is locked on! And that's how you win in Snore Games at October Surprise. It's submit or surrender.

SW: What's the difference between submitting or surrendering?

Styles: Gee, you know, I guess there really isn't much.

SW: Pick up a Thesaurus sometime, nerd.

Styles: Hey!


[The bell rings?]

Styles: Black Chair just tapped out! Kobe Gyant picks up the win by submission here on Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION!

SW: Black Chair did NOT tap out. Kobe lifted up Black Chair and made Black Chair tap! Black Chair was framed! Is that Mark Fuhrman in a Generic Ref mask?

Va-Jay-Jay DillonSteel ChairRed ChairBeige Chair

["Fly on the Wall" by Miley Cyrus hits, which brings out none other than Va-Jay-Jay Dillon, the manager of the 4 Steelchairs, and the remaining 4 Steelchairs, Steel, Red, and Beige.]

SW: I hope the other Steelchairs are planning to sneak attack Kobe tonight.

VD: Kobe Gyant!

SW: BWAHAHAHA! I'm sure that's one VD Kobe was glad to get rid of!

VD: It was a very difficult decision I had last week to make.

KG: Va-Jay-Jay, I believe that, considering you went into rehab because you were hooked on phonics.

[Crowd laughs.]

KG: All right, what did you do last week?

VD: I got rid of your baby!

KG: Really? Thanks!

VD: What do you mean, thanks?

KG: Do you know how many mouths I've got to feed? I should walk around with a hanger and a vacuum, girl. I have superhuman semen.

VD: I just wanted to let you know what we're over!

KG: Is Sherlock in here? Because it certainly smells like shhhhh.

VD: You're just jealous that I've found four chairs that are worthy of having me! Red Chair! Steel Chair! Black Chair. Beige Chair. The 4 Steelchairs.

KG: That's great. I found four ladies at the bar who were worthy of having me all at once last night. There was a red one. I think she was a Nava-ho. There was a black one, too. Her name was Q’J’Q’Sha. No Steel colored chicks, but there was one thing there that was hard as steel. In my pants, you know…Beige? Are Orientals beige? Anyway, maybe they could form a stable, too. The Four Whoreswomen?

[Va-Jay-Jay begins French kissing the chairs.]

SW: Chair gangbang video coming up! Woohoo!

Styles: Scotty!

SW: I just hope Kobe doesn't have to hump Wood Table. Imagine the splinters. Ouch.

Trey VincentAmerican Panda

[Inside Trey Vincent's office, American Panda was seated behind the desk.]

AP: RooooAAAr!

TV: BWAHAHAHAHA! Oh man, I never heard that one before!

Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"

[Sounds of stuff breaking filled the office. Trey Vincent looked over to his left. Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" was in high heels breaking lightbulbs. Kamkorder Kid was filming it.]

TV: Sexy.

[When Trey turned around Luke Warm was there.]

Luke Warm

TV: Oh, crap. Nice going, Sarah.


TV: Hey, Rick.

Luke Warm: My name is Luke Warm.

[Trey notices the camera.]

TV: Ohhhhh, right. Luke. *Ahem* What can I do for you.

LW: I want a rematch against

AP: *RoooooAAAArrr*

TV: Yes, he really is unbearable, isn't he?


LW: Is that supposed to be funny? Huh? Is it supposed to be funny? Do you see me laughing? Do I look amused? Do you see any gray in my beard? Am I a gray beard? Am I eating bamboo? Do I swing from the trees like a monkey? Do I look like my name is Lukeadore? Do I do a bearaconrana? Why do your Rants rhyme? Does it look like sunrise? Do I look like Osama bin Luken? Does this look like Star Wars? My name is Luke, should I come to the dark side?

TV: Hey, watch the beastiality references. G5 is all over our dark sides about some of the jokes we did last week. We're all about family entertainment here.


LW: Do I look like a family. Do I look entertaining? Do I look like the number one contender for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS? What makes you think you're the number one contender for anything, American Panda? Do you *BEEP* in the woods? Are you married? Is she a BILF?

[American Panda stands up, knocking over his chair, outraged by Luke Warm.]

TV: OK. Hang on now! I can see that we can't settle this now. How about next week? Luke Warm vs. American Panda? Axl already beat you Warm. *Snort* Sorry. You got beat by AXL! *Ahem* Your contract is so almost over. All right. Sound good?

StJS: Does this really turn on men?


LW: What does Luke Warm say to a panda with two black eyes? Don't make me tell you three times bitch!

[Luke gives American Panda a double thumbs up and leaves the room.]

Styles: Fans, up next, it's The Great vs. "Stupendous" Stephen Hawking. The winner gets a shot at the Swiss Army Belt against the Grand Slam Champion, Steve Studnuts! Don't go away.

Wrestling fans, October Surprise is coming soon! Don't you dare miss it! Get drunk, get stoned, and most important of all, get out your credit cards and send us money! October Surprise! Coming in October, live on BOB-On-Demand!

"Stupendous" Stephen HawkingThe Great

[As we return, "Stupendous" Stephen Hawking is in the ring and The Flunky is working on tightening up the ropes. A large wheelchair ramp has been erected in the aisle.]

SW: We're the only fed that needs a handicapped-accessible ring.

Styles: Welcome back everyone! It's been an amazing night, but now it's about to get even greater!

SW: You did see that Hawking's IN the ring, right?

["(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" by Rolling Stones hits.]

Angelina X

NH: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your main event and the winner will become the number one contender for the Swiss Army Belt. Introducing first, already in the ring, he is accompanied to the ring by Angelina X, "Stupendous" Stephen Hawking. And his opponent, now making his way into the ring, from St. Louis, this is The Great!

SW: Wow. It's getting about that time.

Styles: What time?

SW: Run-in time!

Steve Studnuts

Styles: Oh no! Steve Studnuts just jumped the guardrail. The bell rings, but Studnuts just got in the ring! Nut shot on Hawking!

SW: Hawking's no-selling the nut shot?

Styles: He's not no-selling it! He probably couldn't feel it!

SW: What's the point of living if you can't feel your nuts?

Styles: Studnuts and The Great now fighting once again! Oh man! October Surprise is going to be a blood bath at the rate things are going between the iAd and The Great's team!

SW: Team Greatful Dead?

Styles: Good name. Nice one, Scotty. Hawking trying to help out The Great, ramming his wheelchair into the back of Studnuts legs! Oh, The Great takes a hard punch there. Oh no! Steve, no!

SW: Studnuts is lifting Hawking up over his head in the wheelchair! Oh no!

Styles: Angelina X is begging Studnuts not to hurt Hawking.

SW: That won't be hard. How do you hurt a paraplegic?

Styles: OH NO!


[Hawking crashes wheelchair first through a ringside table!]

Styles: OH MY GOD!

SW: Hawking may be CRIPPLED after that…oh wait.

Pete "XFactor" TrableDeathKid Pirate

[Pete Trable, Death, and Kid Pirate charge down the aisle and Studnuts clears out.]

Styles: Studnuts is the sorriest son of a bitch I've ever known! Putting a cripple through a table! And he's our champion? This crowd is even turning on Studnuts after that move!

SW: Yeah. We need a better audience. Our regulars would be giving a standing ovation for such a dick heel move.

Dr. Silaconne M. Plants

["Smooth Operator" by Sade hits? The crowd erupts in cheers as Dr. Silaconne M. Plants steps out.]

Styles: NOW what?

SMP: Studnuts! You may think you may have just avoided determining a number one contender for your title, partner, but you would be dead wrong!

SW: So what does SMP care?

SMP: Who should get the shot, who should get the shot on iMPLOSION 13, the show right before October Surprise. Maybe it should be The Great. Maybe it should be "Stupendous" Stephen Hawking. Maybe it should be "XFactor" Pete Trable. Or maybe it should be…Death?

[Crowd pops.]

SMP: Well, I say, how about all four in a Swiss Army Belt Scrabble Scramble Match!

[Crowd pops again.]

Styles: What IS a Swiss Army Belt Scrabble Scramble Match?

SMP: Now, I'm sure some of you are wondering what exactly a Swiss Army Belt Scrabble Scramble Match is, assuming Styles followed the script.

Styles: I did!

SMP: And it's real simple, Studnuts. Twenty minute time limit. You can have as many pins as you want, but whoever gets the LAST pin will be the Swiss Army champ. And the order of entry will be determined next week on iMPLOSION when you all play a game of Scrabble. Winner with the highest score will enter last. Winner with the lowest score enters first. Ya dig?

[Crowd pops.]

Steve Studnuts: Hey, Plants, whatever dope your smokin' can I get some of it? You can't make any matches here, jerkweed. The iAd runs this show!

SMP: Oh, I beg to differ.

[SMP digs into his suit and pulls out a cardboard sign with a string attached to it. SMP puts it around his neck. The crowd pops as they see the letters "AVPICOE" along with Trey Vincent's signature underneath!]

Studs: No gat damn way!

[Cut to Trey Vincent's office door. A sign is hung on the door: "Gone Drinkin'". Back to the ballroom.]

SMP: That's right, Studs. For the next two weeks, I'm the Acting Vice President in Charge of Everything. I bought it on eTrey! And Studnuts, you better show up the next two iMPLOSIONS, pal, or I will strip you of ALL those titles! Jerkweed!

SW: Oh NO!

Studs: Stop stealing my material!

SMP: Surprise!

©2008 BOB Wrestling!

Styles: Talk about an October Surprise! Good night everybody! Oh my GOD!


© BOB Wrestling!

Brawlers On a Budget is an online fantasy parody wrestling sports entertainment federation (or e-fed) designed to be somewhat funny.

WARNING: This site contains adult content. Surfer discretion is advised.