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Nic FlareRubba Ray DrudleyD-Van DrudleySmall Tyke DrudleySoilman
Tommy ScreamerRob Van SpamHam Ham GigoloSuper Gluey

[Show opens in a hallway of the Clown's Pocket Hotel in Sin City. Several former BOBsters are lined up: Nic Flare, Rubba Ray Drudley, D-Van Drudley, Small Tyke Drudley, Soilman, Tommy Screamer, Rob Van Spam, Ham Ham Gigolo (shoot, didn't he DIE?), and Super Gluey. All of the former BOBsters are holding envelopes or folded up pieces of paper, chatting and wooing. They're waiting outside a door with a sign on it that says "Free Chainsaw Giveaway Winners!"]

Dr. Silaconne M. Plants

[After a few seconds, BOB's Acting Vice President in Charge of Everything emerges from inside the room.]

Dr. Silaconne M. Plants: OK. Let's see here. Is Nic Flare here?

Nic Flare: Wooooo! I! AM! HERE! FAT! BOY! WOOOO! WOOOO! WOOOO! That's right. That's right. That's right.

SMP: Shut up. Come on.

NF: Give me a chainsaw! I've already got a chainsaw!

[SMP takes Flare inside the room and closes the door. The rest of the BOBsters move up in line.]

*BONE-CRUNCHING, LIMB HACKING CHAINSAW TERROR!*

*THUD*

*WHUMP*

*SQUISH SQUISH SQUISH*

[The door opens.]

SMP: Rubba Ray Drudley?

RRD: MY CHAINSAW BETTER BE TYE-DYE YOU MOTHER*BEEEP*R

[The door closes.]

RRD: OH *BEEP*!

*SKULL-CRACKING, APPENDAGE MANGLING CHAINSAW HORROR!*

*THUD*

*WHUMP*

*SQUISH SQUISH SQUISH*

[The door opens.]

SMP: D-Van!

D-Van: What!?

SMP: Get your black ass in here!

[D-Van goes in. The door closes. The line gets closer.]

*CARTILAGE TEARING, EXTREMITY DISMEMBERING CHAINSAW MANIA!*

STD: I am too stoned for this.

*THUD*

*WHUMP*

*SQUISH SQUISH SQUISH*

[The door opens.]

SMP: Small Tyke.

[STD waves, then enters. Door closes.]

*SPLATTERED BRAINS, MEAT HOOK SODOMY, AND OTHER CANNIBAL CORPSE THEMED CHAINSAW BUTCHERY!*

*THUD*

*WHUMP*

*SQUISH SQUISH SQUISH*

[The door opens.]

SMP: Soilman? Who the hell is Soilman?

Soilman: I was on BOB is Boobs!

SMP: What were you, enhancement talent?

Soilman: Drunk as hell, mostly. I can't remember.

*Craps himself*

[Soilman follows in SMP, walking a little funny.]

*FESTERING ANAL NECROPSY PUSTULATING RENAL BIOPSY CHAINSAW MUMMIFICATION!*

*SPLASH*

*SPLASH SPLASH SPLASH*

*THUD*

[The door opens. A flood of yellow and red liquid spills out. I'm assuming beer from Soilman's insides?]

SMP: Tommy Screamer? Oh, too perfect. Hi, Tommy.

Tommy: HI!!!!

[Door closes.]

*FLESH EATING, MARROW MAIMING, BODY ASSASSINATING, RIB OBLITERATING CHAINSAW CHAOS TORTURE!*

*THUD*

*WHUMP*

*SQUISH SQUISH SQUISH*

[The door opens.]

SMP: Mr. Send Us Money. Rob. Van. Spam.

RVD: d00d, I'm thinking I don't need a chainsaw, d00d.

SMP: You can make a bong out of it.

RVD: Oh yeah? Cool, d00d.

[RVD and SMP go inside. The door closes. There is silence for several seconds. The door opens again.]

SMP: Say, Gigolo and Gluey, this segment's running a bit long. Would you mind coming and getting your chainsaws now as well?

SG: I'm Super! And I'm Gluey! I'm Super Gluey!

HHG: Yeah, well I'm fat and bald. Shut up!

[Both go into the room.]

*HOLY MOTHER OF GOD SATAN WOULD PISS HIS PANTS AT THE SOUNDS COMING OUT OF THAT ROOM CHAINSAW HELLACIOUSNESS!*

Garth Vader

[After several thuds, and then a few seconds of silence, Garth Vader emerges from the room, covered in blood, followed shortly after by Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, who is completely clean.]

Garth Vader: *Wheeze* Have I done thy bidding, my master?"

[Plants smacks Garth's helmet off. It's…Steve Leary?]

Steve Leary

SMP: Leary, you chud. That better teach you to waste a great angle on a tool like Axl.

SL: *Bleepitybleepbleep*

SMP: Feel better now?

SL: Oddly, no.

SMP: I was hoping you'd say that.

[Plants rips the "Free Chainsaw Giveaway Winners" sign off the door and puts up a new sign: "Woods."]

SMP: Oh, American Panda!

[Crowd laughs.]

SL: LOL!!

Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #12

StylesScotty Whatbody

Styles: Hello everyone and welcome to Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! I'm Mikey Styles.

SW: And I'm confused. Why did SMP and Leary just chainsaw all those ex-BOBsters? Are they suing us for the whole "independent contractor" thing?

Styles: I don't know. Maybe we'll find out later tonight. Speaking of tonight, we've got a new Acting Vice President in Charge of Everything, and it is Dr. Silaconne M. Plants. Throughout the night, we'll be checking in with Mike Monroe, who is outside the Scrabble room, where Steve Studnuts, The Great, Pete Trable, Death, and "Stupendous" Stephen Hawking are playing.

SW: I hope they don't have to play with those Subway Scrabble tiles. What a rip off that game was. Note to Subway: don't make me sit through a minute of Flash just to not win anything! A-H-O-L-E-S!

Styles: The big question, Scotty, is who bought the Beer in the Belly last week on iMPLOSION? We know it wasn't Axl, because he was banned from the building.

SW: Not to mention the forums. I don't know, Styles. Maybe Trey was lying. Maybe Trey's gonna cash in the thing during Snore Games at October Surprise and shock Studnuts. Everyone here is broke, it doesn't make any sense.

Styles: It could be anybody in the Snore Games match at October Surprise, or it could be someone else entirely! We just don't know. This is a first in our sport, fans. Studnuts better watch his back at all times.

Luke WarmAmerican Panda

[Sounds of stuff breaking fill the ballroom. The crowd boos as Luke Warm stomps down the aisle.]

NH: Ladies and gentlemen, this opening contest is set for one devouring. Introducing first, from Bumbeldink, Texas, he weighs 255 pounds, Luke Warm!

SW: One devouring? I hope American Panda's bringing his Texas Lukebecue sauce.

Styles: The steaks, couldn't be higher in this one!

SW: Human steak?

Styles: That's what I was going for with the pun, yeah. I'm sick, leave me alone!

SW: You don't sound sick.

Styles: Not me. The guy writing the script.

["American Pie" by Don McLean hits. The crowd cheers as Unari Yukusha leads out American Panda, the masked panda bear.]

NH: And his opponent, being accompanied to the ring by Unari Yukusha, from Birmingham, Alabama, he weighs 291 pounds, American Panda!

Styles: And Luke Warm isn't waiting to get this one underway! Warm meets American Panda in the aisle and is unloading with punches on American Panda. But American Panda fighting back with claws to the face. Damn! Spinning back paw connects! CLAWSLINE! Oh my GOD! Luke Warm is down and HURT!

SW: What the hell? American Panda is looking for a table? Man, he's gonna be pissed when he realizes the plunder budget was cut for iMPLOSION. Hello, Unari.

[American Panda roars.]

Unari Yukusha: American Panda wonders why BOB still pays Axl a salary, but can't afford to buy a cheap ass wooden table.

SW: Bwahahaha! That is a good question. We'd get much more use out of tables.

Styles: American Panda scoops up Warm and drops him throat first on the Flimsy Guardrail®. Luke Warm is in some trouble.

SW: Say, Unari. I heard American Panda's a pretty good singer. Is that true.

UY: Of course. He's a BEAR-itone!

Styles: Oh boy. And I thought MY jokes were bad.

SW: Are you writing Unari's jokes?

Styles: Don't blame me, I'm just reading them. American Panda putting his *ahem* BEAR feet to use as he stomps away on the Thirstiest S.O.B. in BOB. Luke Warm desperately trying to get his BEAR-ings.

[American Panda roars.]

UY: American Panda says if you don't stop it with the lame bear jokes, he'll be crapping out your glasses and cheap-ass tie in about 24 hours or so.

SW: Dookie Styles! BWAHAHAHA! I love it. Oh my god! That would be EXXXXXXcrement! Hahahaha!

Styles: This match still hasn't made it to the ring. Warm fighting back. INCOMING!

*SMASH*

Styles: OH MY GOD! Spinebuster through the EZ Break Announce Table! American Panda is down!

UY: Luke Warm will pay for that. He's going to look worse than Britney Spears' vagina when American Panda gets through with him.

SW: Whoa!

Styles: It is absolute PANDA-monium here tonight on iMPLOSION! as American Panda is back up! Unbelievable! Luke Warm is waiting for Panda to get in the ring now.

SW: Oh, this should be interesting.

[American Panda easily pulls himself up along the steel post and crawls over the top rope.]

SW: Or not.

[We finally get a bell.]

Styles: Luke Warm punches American Panda. No effect. And again. No effect! Third time, same result! Luke tries again. Panda blocks it. Claw! Claw! Claw! Luke is whipped to the ropes. Butt bump! American Panda slowly off the ropes. Drops the leg! COVER! ONE! TWO! AND NO! Luke somehow kicked out.

SW: Forget an ass-kicking. I want a face eating!

Styles: American Panda waiting on Luke Warm to get up now. Oh. My. GOD! Bear Hug! And now American Panda's nibbling on Warm's jugular!

SW: How does your jugular learn to not get eaten by a 6-foot tall panda bear?

Styles: Luke's tapping out! And he's wearing the crimson scarf?

[Cut to a generic crowd shot. The women and children are covering their eyes, while the men are giving standing ovations to American Panda.]

SW: American Panda is eating Luke Warm alive! This is the sickest *BEEP* I've ever seen!

Styles: Just wait until the Fetish Freaks come out here next.

SW: Well, actually, I had a really sick dream last night. Hot brunette chick was on her hands and knees totally nude on my bed, but she had bloody anal leakage. Not cool.

Styles: Scotty!

SW: What? She was leaking when I got there! I didn't even tell you the worst part about it.

Styles: Please don't.

SW: *cough*Ilickedit*cough*.

Styles: OHMYGOD! Is there anything lower than the lowest common denominator? Because that's our demographic today.

[After several seconds, the camera returns to the ring, which is covered in blood.]

American Panda: *BUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRP*

[One of Luke Warm's knee braces falls out of American Panda's mouth.]

Axl

[Suddenly, Axl is in behind American Panda!]

*CRACK*

*CRACK*

*CRACK*

Styles: Oh my god! Axl unloading on American Panda with bamboo shots to the skull!

*CRACK, CRACK, CRACK, CRACK, CRACK, CRACK, CRACK, CRACK, CRACK, CRACK, CRACK, CRACK!*

SW: Man, American Panda's gonna have a concussion to go along with some mighty bad indigestion now!

Styles: Axl has just made a statement here tonight! And the fans don't like this one bit. What does Axl have against American Panda?

SW: Maybe Axl's picnic basket full of lube got stolen once when he was camping with the Boy Scouts and he never got over it. Who knows, Styles? Not me.

Dr. Silaconne M. Plants

["Smooth Operator" by Sade hits. Huge pop, as Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, the Acting Vice President in Charge of Everything, steps out.]

Dr. Silaconne M. Plants: Axl, I was hoping I'd see you out here tonight in *BEEP* CITY!

[Crowd pops for the diss, natch.]

SMP: Trey Vincent is gone for two weeks, and The Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling Today is making the rules. You know, Kurt, er, I mean, Axl. You and Kurt Cobain have a little something in common. Nirvana did a song called "I Hate Myself and Want to Die," and I hate you, and I wish you'd die!

[Crowd cheers.]

SMP: For YEARS, I've been winning titles! Main eventing! And I've touched more tits then you'll ever see, pal! Not that you'd even know what to do if you saw a pair. You want to brag about Michelle? Pal, have I got news for you. Been there, enhanced those! Go back and look at how flat-chested she was before the Sinister Surgeon came back to BOB in 2005!

SW: Oh MAN! SMP is on fire tonight!

Axl: Plants, you idiot. I've still done one thing you've NEVER done, and one thing you'll NEVER do. And that's win the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS! I took out American Panda with my BARE hands! You may think you're better than me, but face it, Plants. Heidi needed a younger man to do the job that you couldn't. You've had plenty of experience choking, and it sure as hell hasn't all been in the ring.

SW: Choking his chicken?

SMP: Yeah, and you've had plenty of experience with reach arounds on dudes in rest stops, but that's not the point. The point is, I am sick to death of you. As in, the end. It ends here tonight! BOB isn't big enough for the two of us anymore. Here's what you still don't seem to understand. You think you should be a main eventer, yet everything you do screams LOSER! You! Are! A! Tool! You're lame as HELL! And I'm not just going to say it. I'm going to prove it right here tonight. Axl vs. SMP. Loser leaves BOB!

[Huge pop!]

SMP: If I can't beat you, I don't DESERVE to be in BOB or in this sport anymore! I may have lost a few matches, but at least people will REMEMBER them!

Axl: Right. They'll say, "Hey, look, it's that LOSER SMP! Way to lose, LOSER!" How does it feel to be the Chicago Cubs of BOB, SMP?

SMP: Well, it's better than wishing I had shards of glass to cut my own head off, rather than listening to you blabber on and on and on!

Axl: Who are you? When's the last time you even DID a Rant? Five years ago? Lazy *BEEP*!

Styles: Good lord, this is getting personal.

SW: Yeah! It's great!

SMP: Axl, I'd rather watch an old lady drop dookies in a diaper than listen to you speak ever again. And tonight, this ENDS. You and me. No outside interference. No rules. No EXCUSES.

["Smooth Operator" by Sade hits as the crowd cheers on Plants.]

Styles: Wow. What a match.

SW: The Axl era ends tonight! Oh man!

Mike Monroe

[Mike Monroe is standing in front of a door that is open a crack. The sounds of arguing can be heard inside.]

MM: Hello, BOB fans. Mike Monroe here, and inside this room, Steve Studnuts, Stephen Hawking, The Great, Death, and XFactor Pete Trable are waging verbal warfare in the form of Scrabble.

[Screen goes dark. After several seconds, the camera return to ringside.]

StylesScotty Whatbody

Styles: What happened? Fans, I guess we're having technical difficulties.

SW: Oh, is that what we're calling writer's block this week?


Wrestling fans, October Surprise is coming soon! Don't you dare miss it! Get drunk, get stoned, and most important of all, get out your credit cards and send us money! October Surprise! Coming in October, live on BOB-On-Demand!


Kamikazie KenInsano ManoScatmanTentacle Beast

[“Ride Of The Valkyries” plays.]

NH: Ladies and gentlemen the following is a tag team match and is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first… the team of Kamikazie Ken and Insano Mano!

[Mano walks out carrying a tin of grease and pours it over the floor in a straight line. He then drags a wooden ramp out from under the ring and sets it up a few steps away from the apron.]

SW: What the hell is he doing? And where’s Ken?

[All of a sudden Kamikazie Ken appears from behind the curtain riding a unicycle.]

Styles: This can only lead to trouble!

SW: And stupidity.

[Ken cycles with tremendous speed along the grease until he hits the ramp. He flies through the air, doing as many twists and turns as he can, until he lands face first onto the ring canvas with a thud. “Enema Bulldozer” by Cock & Ball Torture plays.]

NH: And their opponents, representing The Fetish Freaks… Scatman and The Tentacle Beast!

Styles: Two of the most vile and disgusting individuals to ever step foot in BOB.

SW: Did you watch their first rant? Oh baby.

Styles: To be honest I found it kind of sickly.

SW: Even the chick sucking on a lollipop?

Styles: It was simulated pornography! There is no place in BOB for that sort of thing.

SW: Just girls with big racks soaping each other, right Styles?

Styles: Generic Ref calls for the bell and this match is underway!

SW: And two girls with big breasts are rolling around on the ring covered in soap suds!

Styles: Where?

SW: Sorry, I’m daydreaming again.

Styles: Scatman starts this one off with a big clubbing forearm to the back of Insano Mano’s head while he has his back turned! He was arguing with Ken about who had to start this match, I doubt either man will want to tag in.

SW: I don’t blame ‘em, it smells like an elephant took a dump in a fish market in there.

Styles: Scatman locks Mano in a full nelson and drags him over to his corner. He makes the tag and rams Mano’s head into the turnbuckles. The Freaks are unloading on Mano! Ken tries to make the save but Generic Ref stops him from entering the ring.

SW: Yay, heels!

Styles: Tentacle Beast lifts Scatman up onto his shoulders and uses him as a battering ram on Mano… but there’s no one home, Mano slipping out just in time. Dropkick sends Scatman crashing down to the floor outside! Spinning wheel kick smacks hard against Beast’s jaw! Mano is on fire! Standing moonsault connects! 1, 2 and no.

SW: I can’t believe these idiots are getting over as faces.

Styles: Well they are athletically gifted, Scotty, and the crowd seems to love them.

SW: What crowd? Winos and hookers without anywhere else to sleep?

SW: Scotty! Mano makes the tag to Ken, who charges with a head full of steam at Tentacle Beast… but Scatman out of nowhere hits him with an inflatable sheep!

SW: He’s out cold!

Styles: Now Scatman and Tentacle Beast are setting up that inflatable sheep in the middle of the ring. Mano tries to stop them but Generic Ref holds him back.

SW: That doesn’t make any sense!

Styles: Scatman holds Ken between his legs. He puts his hands on his head and rotates his hips, could he be going for the Poowerbomb?

SW: *laughs*

Styles: He lifts Ken up onto his shoulders as Tentacle Beast stands ready, but Ken counters, somehow taking both men over with a hoodancanrana right into that inflatable sheep!

Crowd: Holy poo! Holy poo! Holy poo!

Styles: And the crowd is going ape *BEEP*!

SW: Scotty! You can’t say that!

Styles: Sorry folks, I got a little carried away. Ken makes the tag and both men lift their opponents up onto opposing turnbuckles. They head up top and… frankensteiner connects on both members of the Fetish Freaks! The heels have been laid to waste!

SW: Generic Ref’s counting, this can’t be good.

GR: 1!

Styles: All four men have been rendered unconscious.

GR: 2!

SW: BOB’s going to need to hire a full time janitor with all that slime, mucus and dookie all over the ring.

GR: 3!

Styles: Tentacle Beast is the first up!

GR: 4!

SW: His squishy body fat must have softened the fall.

Styles: Tentacle Beast is beating his chest with those slimy tentacles. Ken and Mano are in dire straits as he lifts them up with a double gorilla press, what power! Beast sends both hardcore luchadors flying through the air, sending them crashing down onto the poorly protected floor on the outside!

SW: He’s feeling froggy Styles!

Styles: Tentacle Beast uses his tremendous strength to lift his 400 lbs up onto the top rope. Diving Plancha connects! And now Scatman’s up! He runs to the ropes and springboards into a Poo Plancha!

SW: Only in BOB do you get faecal related move names.

Styles: And now Scatman and Tentacle Beast are stomping a mudhole in Ken and Mano.

SW: The ring looks like a motocross track in the rain.

Styles: And Scatman sends Insano Mano’s head bouncing off the second hand, rusty steel steps. Meanwhile Tentacle Beast rolls Kamikazie Ken back into the ring and climbs back up to the top turnbuckle. Shooting Starfish Splash misses as Ken hastily moves out of the way.

SW: They’ve been here two weeks and already have a bunch of moves with silly names?

Styles: It looks like that move took a lot out of Tentacle Beast. Ken steadies himself on the ropes, trying to regain his composure. He jumps up onto the top rope and spins through the air like a madman… 540 lionsault connects! 1, 2, 3Scatman breaks up the pin!

Crowd: Boo!

Styles: Scatman is taunting to the crowd as they boo. Kamakazie Ken takes a step back and kicks him as hard as he can south of the border. But… Scatman doesn’t react to the low blow! He turns around to face Ken and laughs. He’s laughing! What a sick *BEEP*

SW: Scotty, stop swearing! That’s supposed to be my job.

Styles: I’m sorry again fans, it’s just that these… these… FREAKS get under my skin.

SW: Go Fetish Freaks!

Styles: Ugh. Tentacle Beast comes from behind and wraps his tentacles around Kamikazie Ken for the bearhug. That’s his move! Insano Mano makes the save with a missile dropkick out of nowhere, but inadvertently crushes Ken under Beasts weight! Scatman grabs Mano’s legs and hits a headbutt to the groin! He’s smiling!

SW: He’s one sick puppy, that’s for sure.

Styles: Scatman rolls Tentacle Beast off Ken and lifts him to his feet. Stiff headbutt! And Kamikazie Ken is wearing the crimson mask!

SW: He’s wearing a blue mask.

Styles: I mean he’s bleeding!

SW: Oh, right.

Styles: And Scatman hits a chop to the throat before going back out to the apron and tagging himself in. Rake to the eyes!

SW: He’s using heel moves!

Styles: Scatman with an inverted atomic drop before booting Ken into the corner. He charges and hits a Stinker Splash that makes Ken fall to the floor. Oh no.

SW: Oh yes.

Styles: Could he be going for the Stinkface? He does! But Mano pulls Ken out of the ring just in time!

SW: Scatman is *BEEP* off.

Styles: I thought you said not to swear?

SW: Oops. I’m used to swearing in every sentence, friggin censorship.

Styles: Well Scatman certainly does some ticked off as he helps Tentacle Beast up onto his feet… uh, I mean tentacles. They run to the ropes, possibly going for some sort of dive, but Ken and Mano trip them up. They hop up onto the apron and hit stereo slingshot planchas! Mano drags Scatman to the center of the ring as Ken heads for the top rope. He’s calling for he Suicide Squadron!

SW: Who’s that?

Jerri LiChristian St. Christian

Styles: There are two people pushing their way through the crowd. It’s Jerri Li and Christian St. Christian! Jerri walks up the steel steps and dropkicks Ken down to the canvas, landing herself back first on the steps.

SW: She’s back to destroy herself even more.

Styles: And there’s the bell!

NH: Ladies and gentlemen, the winners of the match due to a disqualification… Kamikazie Ken and Insano Mano!

Styles: Jerri and St. Christian aren’t done here and crack a steel chair over Insano Mano’s skull! St. Christian has a metal chain and chokes Kamikazie Ken with it. Jerri has a microphone!

SW: Where the hell did she pull that out from? She’s only wearing a leather bikini wrapped in barbedwire. Yikes.

Jerri Li: That’s right Sarah! These may only be vague associates of yours, but we The Fetish Freaks are out here tonight to make an example out of them.

Styles: St. Christian drags Ken by the throat to the corner and calls for Scatman.

SW: Stinkface!

Styles: Scatman is rubbing his backside and shaking about as Kamikazie Ken struggles as hard as can to break free.

Jerri Li: At October Surprise I will finally get my hands on you again, and when I do I am going to squeeze every last ounce of life out of you for taking MY T&A XX Division championship. I was so embarrassed I let Zombie Mr. Fantastic eat me. But I’m back and now Jerri Li has a posse!

[Tentacle Beast raises his tentacles in the air and waves him like he just don't care.]

Jerri Li: BOB was originally just my playground for pain, but now I have made an enemy out of you Sarah. You think these sickos I’ve teamed up with are disgusting? Well, take a look at this Sarah, because this is nothing compared to what I will do to you at October Surprise! Scatman, do your thing!

[The screen suddenly goes black, followed by a giant "CENSORED" on-screen. Yes, Scatman is too extreme for cable TV. So we'll go to a to the Scrabble room. I mean, a black screen. Argh!]

Styles: I guess we're having more technical difficulties backstage. Mike, can you come out here for the main event and let us know what's going on?

SW: Or even better, NOT come out here.


Wrestling fans, October Surprise is coming soon! Don't you dare miss it! Get drunk, get stoned, and most important of all, get out your credit cards and send us money! October Surprise! Coming in October, live on BOB-On-Demand!


Xamfir

[XamfARRR is sitting by a fireplace with a book in his lap.]

XamfARRR: Hello, BrawlARRRRs On a Budget viewARRRRs. It be me, XamfARRR. Coming soon to BOB…

[XamfARRR opens his book.]

XamfARRR: Holding on to his ARRRRm he screamed in pain. The bullet was lodged deep in his bicep and his fingers were fARRR too slippARRRRy with blood to pull the bullet out.

XamfARRR: Thomas LARRRgeman was a private investigatARRR. Or was. Now he’s dead now.

XamfARRR: The wizARRRd stood above him, his fingers still pulsating with the recoil of the shot.

XamfARRR: The wizARRRd was a stoner. Sorry, is a stonARRR.

XamfARRR: Oh, and he’s magic. The dude is magic.

XamfARRR: This book also has zombies.

XamfARRR: Anyway, so LARRRge is hanging on to his arm and digging his fingARRRs ARRRound trying to pull the bullet out so that he can stem the bleeding, he’s lying on the floor because The WizARRRd, well he’s kicked his butt, right? And anyway, Large, he gets the bullet out. He tosses the bullet to the floor.

XamfARRR: “Why?” he gasps. “Why did you shoot me again?”

XamfARRR: For Thomas LARRRgeman has been shot by the wizARRRd before.

XamfARRR: “Did you see him?”

XamfARRR: LARRRRgeman looks up, his eyes red with rage, he hisses “Who?”

XamfARRR: “Him.” The WizARRRRd rebuts.

XamfARRR: “No. Not yet.”

XamfARRR: The WizARRRRd looks disappointed. They’ve tried the shooting experiment 8 times, this was only the 3rd surprise experiment, and man was it bombing.

XamfARRR: “Wiz…” LARRRge whispers.

XamfARRR: “Dude?”

XamfARRR: “Wiz, can you put me back now?”

XamfARRR: “Oh, shoot, sorry.” The Wiz pulls on his beard and looks concerned. He straightens his sleeves and pushes a green light from the edges of his fingARRRtips. The stream isn’t direct though, it’s almost like smoke. But in lasers. Smoky lasers.

XamfARRR: The smoke cascades over LARRRge’s body and the wound on his arm and stomach healed almost immediately. His body levitated a little, too.

XamfARRR: The Wizard stops the smoke right away and LARRRge’s body is dumped to the floor, his ribs making heavy contact with the ground.

XamfARRR: “Dude!” exclaims LARRRgeman as he grabs his chest and rolls on to his side.

XamfARRR: The two best friends embrace as Large gets to his feet and…

XamfARRR: WizARRRd and LARRRRgeman. Coming soon to BOB as soon as they get anothARRR joint to continue their adventures.

XXXtreme MachineSnapmare Kid

[XXXtreme Machine and Snapmare Kid bust onto the set.]

XamfARRR: What be the meaning of this!

XM: b0kx sux!!!! tey rnt hrdcor!!

[XXXtreme Machine throws the book into the fireplace. The book catches on fire, then knocks over the wood inside. The fire quickly spreads.]

XM: ahhhhh!!!!

[Everyone runs away. Back to the ballroom.]

StylesScotty WhatbodyMike Monroe

SW: Crap, Fingerbang XXX is reuniting at October Surprise?

Styles: Oh, Scotty! You spoiled the surprise!

SW: Please. As if Fingerbang was a draw EVER in BOB.

Styles: Fans, we're running short on time, but G5 has told us they're going to stick with us to the end. Oh, hi, Mike.

Mike Monroe: Styles, Scotty, it's great to be out here.

AxlDr. Silaconne M. Plants

["Do You Call my Name" by Ra hits. The crowd boos as Axl walks out carrying his bamboo stick thingee.]

NH: This is your iMPLOSION main event, and it is a Loser Leaves BOB match. Introducing first, from Sinister City, Utah, he weighs in at 202 pounds, and represents the Hierarchy, this is Axl!

MM: Really quickly, here's what went down backstage. The winner of the Scrabble game was none other than "Stupendous" Stephen Hawking, who amazed everybody with such words as quixotry and antidisestablishmentarianism.

SW: That's the best he could come up with? *Pfffft*

MM: It's also a good thing the camera weren't in the room with the words Studnuts was spelling out. Though he did impress with the word, um…it rhymes with puntstuffer.

SW: BWAHAHAHA!

Styles: That isn't TWO words?

MM: The judge allowed it.

Styles: Who was the judge?

MM: Seth Harker.

Styles: Of course.

["Smooth Operator" by Sade hits. Crowd pops big again as Dr. Silaconne M. Plants walks the aisle.]

NH: And his opponent. From Naples, Italy. He weighs in at 240 pounds, the Sinister Surgeon, the Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling Today, the Breast Man for the Job, the Acting Vice President in Charge of Everything, and one half of the Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team Champions, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants!

MM: So Studnuts will enter fourth. Trable will enter first because he got disqualified for abuse of the English language. "Cracka" and "foo'" aren't acceptable in Scrabble. It was quickly realized that allowing him to play would just be a waste of everyone's time. Number two entrant will be Death, who managed to spell out such words as "kill," "zombie," "mister," "fantastic." (Pause.) I'm sure that was just a coincidence. And The Great will be third, with such highlights as lightweight, sedate and conjugate.

SW: Even his Scrabbling rhymed?

Styles: Thanks, Mike. That should be great next week as Pete Trable, Death, The Great, Steve Studnuts and "Stupendous" Stephen Hawking all battle it out in a Scrabble Scramble Match, with the FBL's Sin City Icons around ringside making scrambled eggs for use as weapons! That one will no doubt get egg-treme!

SW: The Icons better not choke again this weekend or my bookie's gonna break my thumbs.

Styles: And here we go! Axl unloading with rights in the corner on SMP. But SMP fighting back and nails Axl with a clothesline!

Crowd: SMP! AVP! SMP! AVP!

Styles: SMP just unloading punches on Axl here. And now SMP going to work on Axl's back. Backbreaker on Axl connects. Naples crab locked on! SMP not only looking to make Axl leave BOB, but tap out on his way out.

SW: I wish I had a white towel, I'd throw it in the ring right now. That would work with Generic Ref. He's an idiot.

Styles: But Axl makes it to the bottom rope. And he's holding onto that thing for dear life.

SMP: You work for me! Give HIM the five count!

GR: What?

SMP: If he doesn't let go of that rope, he gets DQed!

GR: I thought this was a no DQ match?

SMP: I'm the boss! Do what I say NOW, not what I said a few minutes ago!

Styles: And a first in our sport. Axl is being given the five-count for holding onto the ropes during a submission move.

SW: Yes! Oh, this is perfect! Bye bye, Axl.

Styles: Axl breaks the rope hold at four. But how is he going to get out of this move? Axl pushing up. He manages to get through Plants legs and nails a heinousconrana!

SW: Anusconrana! Bwahahaha!

Styles: Heinous!

SW: Bwahahaha! Anus!

Styles: Axl with A Shot In the Dark! That superkick connected, and both brawlers are down. Axl trying to recover now and go on the attack to inflict some damage on SMP. Axl finally manages to drag himself up.

SW: Where's Michelle? I need to ask her about those breast implants she got from Plants.

Styles: Not to mention stare at them. Nice neck breaker by Axl. And I think the fans were expecting SMP to end this one quickly, but Axl's got some fight in him.

SW: You know what else Axl has inside of him? A dead gerbil.

Styles: Axl now punching away on Plants in the corner. Springboard dropkick by Axl. Cover! One! Two and no! Axl looking for a suplex here, but Plants blocking it. SMP with a suplex of his own! Plants gets an arm over Axl. One! Two! No! Now Plants is shoving Generic Ref! Generic Ref shoves back and Plants goes down! Plants wants some of Generic Ref and SPEAR by Axl out of nowhere! Axl and SMP tumble to the floor.

SW: Man, I'm sure the last thing Plants ever wanted to do was take a tumble with Axl.

Styles: Axl in the mount position and raining down punches on Plants once again.

SW: I'm sure Axl wishes he was raining something else down on Plants from that position. Yich. Axl makes Clay Aiken look straight.

Styles: Back inside now. Axl looking for a full nelson now. Axl looking to make SMP submit.

SW: I can't say I've ever seen a full nelson performed with dry ass humping before. Leave it to Axl.

Styles: Low blow by Plants. Axl jumps on Plants' back! Sleeper hold is on. SMP grabs Axl. NIPPLE CUTTER! OH MY GOD!

[Huge crowd pop as everybody stands up.]

Styles: All Plants needs to do is make the cover. He's got it! ONE! TWO! THRE-NO! Axl with a foot on the bottom rope. Plants hooks the leg! One! Two! Axl kicked out!

SW: Oh man! C'mon, Plants! Don't choke now!

Styles: Plants now looking for the Scalpel's Edge! He's got Axl up. Axl slides free. Sinister Slice? No! Nipple Cutter? Axl slips free! Kick. Axl looking for the Evil-ution! Plants with a back drop, but Axl lands on his feet! Shot In The DarOOOOOOH!

SW: Shot to the NUTS by Plants!

Styles: Plants has Axl hooked now. MED DEGREE! COVER! ONE! TWO! THREE! HEGOTHIM!

[HUGE POP!]

Styles: PLANTS DID IT! HIT THE ROAD, AXL!

SW: Oh, I need some champagne and a cigar. I never thought I'd see this day! Drinks are on me tonight!

[Cut to Heidi pouring a bottle of water over Scotty.]

SW: I didn't mean literally! Stop that! Pour some on those gazongas!

NH: *Sigh* Here is your winner, the Acting Vice President in Charge of Everything, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants!

Styles: Fans, we are out of time. Next week. Swiss Army Scrabble Scramble! It's the last show before October Surprise, don't you DARE miss it!

SW: And 100 percent Axl Free! Woohoo!

©2008 BOB Wrestling!

Styles: Good night everybody!

[Fade to black.]

Caption: A While Later…

Dr. Silaconne M. Plants

[Back to the "Woods" room where the various jobbers were slaughtered earlier. Dr. Silaconne M. Plants is nailing shut a giant crate, which I assume is full of jobber body parts and a giant bear turd. Once he's done nailing the box shut, he puts on a sticker. The camera zooms in on the address label: "UnFed, c/o Axl-hole. Fag City, Oklahomo." GIGANTIC POP! End show.]

 

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