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Caption: Earlier Today

Christian St. ChristianScatmanKamikazie KenInsano Mano

[Christian St. Christian and Scatman are seen walking down a hotel hallway. The camera pans down to reveal Scatman is leaving little brown footprints with every step.]

CSC: Here it is. Room 830.

[CSC knocks on the door. After a couple seconds, the door clicks and opens. Inside is Kamikazie Ken.]

KK: Guys, glad you could make it. Mano! Let's go!

IM: ¡Estoy viniendo, yo estoy viniendo!

[Cut to a restaurant. CSC, Scatman and Ken have taken seats.]

KK: Now boys, obviously last week on iMPLOSION, you and I had some issues with each other. But I see no reason we can't get along. After all, you wear a mask, I wear a mask. You wear poo on your face…um…Mano poops? Anyway, to bury the hatchet, we wanted to invite you out to dinner here tonight before the show and just settle this all once and for all.

[Insano Mano appears with a giant tray containing food.]

KK: Now, not everyone knows this, but Insano Mano isn't just a hardcore luchadore. He's also a hardcore cook.

CSC: Insano Cooko?

KK: Exactly. He wears an apron that says Chairshot The Cook, that's how hardcore his kitchen is. And he's been busy making you guys a dinner you'll never forget. Up first, a bit of an appetizer. What is this one, Mano?

IM: ¡Tentáculo frito!

[Mano places plates in front of all three guys, as well as one at his own empty chair.]

Scatman: That some kind of Mexican dish?

KK: Um, Mexican seafood with just the hint of Japanese hell. Here, have some slime sauce. Dipping it just makes it taste all the much better!

[Ken dips one of the tentacles and chows down.

Scatman: Wow. I can't wait for this!

[Scatman grabs unrolls his napkin. In the process, his fork slips through and lands on the floor.]

CSC: This is really decent of you guys to make us a meal.

Scatman: Say, Mano. I just dropped my fork on the floor. Could I get another one?

KK: You're covered in POO! The fork was only on the floor for two seconds!

Scatman: No.

CSC: (With a mouth full of food) This is finger food anyway.

Scatman: Stop spitting on me. That's so gross. Just get the fork outta here, Mano. Please.

Caption: A while later…

KK: Ah, looks like we're ready for the next course. Excellente. Mano, tell the fine freaks what they'll be chowing down on now.

IM: ¡Bestia de tierra!

KK: Sounds great. How's that new fork working for you, Scatman?

Scatman: Much better, thanks! Mmmmm! This is tremendous! Just needs a little something.

[Scatman pulls out a shaker. Little brown flecks fall out.]

KK: Pepper?

IM: *Snort* ¿Pimienta? ¿Ése era el nombre del perro que Bossman grande hecho nieve del Al come en SmackDown, la derecha?

CSC: Huh?

Scatman: Faecal flakes, actually. Just gives it that little extra kick.

KK: Ahh.

Caption: Time for the main course…

[Mano wheels out a rolling cart with a giant covered platter on top.]

KK: Well. Boys, I hope you've enjoyed the appetizers, because this main course is absolutely to DIE for. Especially if your name is Tentacle Beast.

CSC: Tentacle Beast? Yeah, where is he? I almost totally forgot about him.

[Ken gets up and walks around to the cart. He pulls off the lid and…]

Tentacle Beast

CSC: Tentacle Beast? You killed Tentacle Beast? You bastards!

KK: Sure, we killed him. How'd did you enjoy your Fried Tentacle and Ground Beast?

Scatman: We ate Tentacle Beast? *Covers his mouth* I think I'm gonna puke.

KK: You eat POO! How can THIS make you want to puke?

Scatman: Poo is tasty! Tentacle Beast was my friend. *Covers mouth again and chokes down digested Tentacle Beast*

CSC: Hmm. I guess we're even now, hey boys?

KK: That's right.

CSC: Oh, relax, Scatman. This is the best meal we've had in months.

Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #13

[The show opens in the dark, as The Flunky drums on a snare drum with one hand and moves around a lighter to simulate fireworks. Lights on to reveal a disappointed crowd has filled the BOB Ballroom yet again.]

Styles: Hello everyone, and welcome to Brawlers On a Budget's Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! I'm Mikey Styles, and tonight as always, I'm joined by Scotty Whatbody.

Scotty Whatbody: We're just about a week away from October Surprise. I hope everyone's ready for some screwjobs and randomly thrown together On-Demand matches!

Styles: Kobe Gyant and Al U-Minium Ladder will take on Steel Chair and Red Chair. Kay Fabe goes one on one with Jerri Li. And our HUGE main event is the Swiss Army Belt Scrabble Scramble Match, as Steve Studnuts defends against Death, Pete Trable, The Great and Stephen Hawking!

Zombie Mr. FantasticKid Pirate

["Yo Ho (A Pirate's Life for Me)" by Jonas Brothers hits.]

Styles: But let's kick the action of right now. It's Kid Pirate vs. Zombie Mr. Fantastic! Let's send it up to Nurse Heidi for the intros!

NH: This opening match is just here to set up the much more important angle to follow it. Introducing first, already in the ring. He weighs about 300 pounds and hails from Bacon, Ohio. Zombie Mr. Fantastic! And his opponent, now entering the ring. He is being accompanied by Pretty Boy. He weighs 153 pounds and hails from the Seven Seas. This is Kid Pirate!

Styles: Pretty Boy has been having some issues with Kamikazie Ken in recent weeks, and those problems will continue at October Surprise when Pretty Boy takes on Kamikazie Ken.

SW: Meanwhile, Zombie Mr. Fantastic is trying to get in Katie Death's panties, even though she's married to Death. What a frigid bitch.

Styles: She can't help being frigid. She IS dead.

SW: Note to Zombie Mr. Fantastic: make sure to bring lots of lube to avoid chafing.

Styles: You have some experience in this area, Scotty?

SW: What? No! Her vag has to be bone-dry though. As you point out, she is a walking undead corpse.

Styles: Kid Pirate with a quick rollup attempt, but Zombie Mr. Fantastic grabs Kid Pirate's arm and is trying to bite it! Talk about finger food, Scotty!

SW: Yeah. Kid Pirate better be careful if he doesn't want a hook for a hand.

Half Crowd: What do we want?

Other Half of Crowd: Brains!

Half Crowd: When do we want them?

Other Half of Crowd: Brains!


Seth HarkerSteve StudnutsTrey Vincent

Styles: Seth Harker's in the ring! And he just blasted Kid Pirate's peg leg with a cane. And here comes Studnuts! Trey Vincent? I thought he was on vacation?

SW: No shocker, there. Trey's never seen a paycheck he didn't like.

Styles: He's SEEN a paycheck from BOB?

SW: He writes them. Who do you think he pays first?

Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"

Styles: Harker, Studnuts and Vincent, the iAd is stomping away on Kid Pirate. Oh no! Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" is in the ring. The iAd is holding Kid Pirate down. Oh no, Sarah! She's going to try and break his peg leg!

The GreatPete "XFactor" Trable

[The crowd cheers as The Great and "XFactor" Pete Trable hit the ring.]

SW: No fair! They're evening up the odds!

Styles: Where's Death?


SW: He's coming. He just takes his time getting down the aisle. Uh oh. He just spied Zombie Mr. Fantastic!

Styles: Death grabs Zombie Mr. Fantastic and pulls him out! Death and Zombie Mr. Fantastic are going at it now! The Great, Trable, Kid Pirate are fighting back against the incurable Apathy disorder now! This is the kind of fight I like to see.

SW: I'd much prefer see all the chicks in the T&A Division in a human tetris match, but what do I know.

Styles: Pretty Boy and Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"! It's a CAT FIGHT! CAAAAAAATFIIIIIIIIIIGHT! Now what?

Kamikazie KenInsano Mano

Styles: It's Kamikazie Ken and Insano Mano? Sarah's masked stooges from the Fall of Man project are coming to help out the iAd as well now.

SW: Stooges? How dare you insult hardcore luchadores of such loose moral standards!

Jerri LiChristian St. ChristianScatman

Styles: Jerri and the Fetish Freaks are here! Oh my GOD! Absolute chaos!

SW: Bwahahaha. No more Tentacle Beast. I can't believe those idiots ate their stable mate!

Styles: And the faces have cleared the ring.

SW: I think it was the FECES that cleared the ring. Nobody wants to get near Scatman.

Dr. Silaconne M. Plants

["Smooth Operator" by Sade hits. The crowd erupts again as BOB's Acting Vice President in Charge of Everything walks out.]

Styles: Dr. Silaconne M. Plants is here.


[Crowd pops.]

SMP: Well, well, well, what have we here? Seth Harker, it seems like you just can't get enough of Kid Pirate to me. And as your Acting Vice President in Charge of Everything, I'm all about resolving conflicts between our roster members. So, let's deal with things the old fashioned way. Inside a steel cage!

[Crowd pops.]

SMP: So, at October Surprise, it will be Death. It will be "XFactor" Pete Trable. It will be The Great. It will be Jerri Li. AND, it will be Kid Pirate vs. the iAd and Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"!

Styles: The crowd likes that!

Steve Studnuts: Hey jerkweed, I'm sure you flunked out of fifth grade, which explains why you're such a total gat damn idiot and can't count for crap. But the iAd ain't agreeing to a five on four match at October Surprise. I'm fine with adding another jerkweed for the iAd to beat on to the match, as long as we make the odds even.

[SMP looks around at the crowd, which doesn't want SMP to give in to Studnuts' demand.]

SMP: All right, partner. Who do you want as the fifth member of your team for Snore Games, the main event at October Surprise?

[Studnuts huddles up with Vincent and Harker. Vincent peeks out over Harker and stares at SMP for a few seconds and flips him off before rejoining the huddle.]

iAd: Break!

Studs: OK. We have decided. And Trey, I'm glad you've still got that psychic ability of yours so we could have this video ready. You're like a real life Hero without all the gat damn plot holes. Roll the tape, faggots!

Caption: Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #2

[Dr. Silaconne M. Plants runs up from behind and dumps a bucket of…something over Kid Pirate's head.]


Pretty Boy: RAAAARK!

SW: Eww. I think that's all the fluid they drained out of Plants' sack!

[And Kid Pirate slips and falls on the liquid, natch.]

KP: Yar. What be the meanin' of this?

SMP: Peg leg. Balls. Ring any bells?

KP: Bugger.

[Plants grabs Pretty Boy.]

KP: Get yer mitts off Pretty Boy!

Pretty Boy: SQUARK!

Styles: OH MY GOD! NIPPLE CUTTER ON PRETTY BOY! Plants just Nipple Cuttered a PARROT!

Kid Pirate: Nooooo! Nooooo! Blast ye ta hell, Plants! I'll get ye for this!

Studs: Oh yeah, and at October Surprise, you'll get the chance to finally get payback for your parrot, Captain Jack Swallows. Because I'm naming Dr. Silaconne M. Plants as our fifth man!

SW: Whoa! But Plants is a face on a heel team! That's not cool.

Styles: SMP may be a fan favorite, but he's the iAd has just guaranteed that Kid Pirate will be gunning for SMP in that match!

SW: Genius! Absolutely brilliant!

Styles: At Totally Dead, Kid Pirate unleashed the Black Pearls on SMP's crotch. At TNA 2, SMP got his revenge and then some. But at October Surprise, they will finally meet in Snore Games! There is tons of hatred on both sides of this match. Even among teammates now! Wow. What a way to kick of iMPLOSION! What an October Surprise it's going to be! We'll be right back!

Dr. Silaconne M. Plants

[Dr. Silaconne M. Plants is in a hallway, reading a paper on a clipboard.]

SMP: Kay Fabe vs. Jerri Li? I don't remember booking that. Oh boy. Leary! Get me G5!

Steve Leary: (Offscreen) Yes sir!


Viruz: Dr. Plants.

SMP: Viruz? Shouldn't you be jack hoffing or dick pulling or something?

Viruz: Huh? No. (He scratches his masked head, confused by the question.) I just wanted to let you know that since Axl is gone, I guess that means there's an open spot at October Surprise.

SMP: For you? *Pfffft* No.

Viruz: Wait, wait. I have a great idea. First off, here, watch this tape and I hope you'd consider MSTing it.

[SMP looks at the tape and tosses it over his shoulder.]

Viruz: Umkay. I want to fight American Panda in a "Fish on a Bamboo Pole" match. A fish would be suspended on a bamboo pole, and the first competitor to retrieve it would win. Just thought it'd be a stupid gimmick to try and make things interesting.

SMP: Now, does the word "interesting" mean completely retarded in that brain of yours?

Viruz: No. It'll be great!

The Great

The Great: The Great's son drops more greatness into the toilet than you'll ever have in your whole body!

[The Great wanders away.]

SMP: OK. First off, pandas don't eat fish. They eat BAMBOO! And the occasional child or bald Texan. *Snort* (Pauses.) Hmm. How about Viruz vs. American Panda in a bamboo on a bamboo pole match? That way, either you get a weapon to use in the match, or American Panda gets a snack.

Viruz: Groovy.

SMP: Fantastic. Get eaten.

Viruz: Oh, I get it! That's like break a leg, right?

SMP: Sure, break a leg too. Then it'll be easier for American Panda to catch you, rip you to shreds, and eat you.

Viruz: *Gulp*

[Viruz turns around and walks away. Once he's out of SMP's eyesight, he looks at the camera and winks.]

Styles: Was that Axl dressed up as Viruz?

SW: I guess he doesn't understand the concept of a loser leaves BOB match. He's the biggest loser of them all. Ah well, who cares. As long as one of them gets eaten at October Surprise, the fans will get their money's worth.

Steel ChairRed ChairKobe GyantAl U. Minium-Ladder

[Back to the ring, "Me So Horny" by 2 Live Crew is playing. All four competitors are already in the ring.]

NH: The following is a tag team match. Introducing first, being accompanied to the ring by Va-Jay-Jay Dillon, Beige Chair and Black Chair, this is Steel Chair and Red Chair! And their opponents, first making its BOB debut tonight, from London, England, Al U-Minium-Ladder! And his partner, from Los Santos, Kobe Gyant!

Styles: Kobe and Red Chair to begin this one. And Kobe's taking it to Red Chair right off the bat. Rights and lefts.


Styles: Gorilla press slam! Kobe looking for a belly to steel suplex here. But Red Chair blocks it! Oh, Red Chair with a belly to steel suplex of its own!

[Kobe grabs Red Chair and tosses it up in the air.]

Styles: Kobe avoids the leg drop!

SW: Seriously, we're going to get a half-hour of this silliness in Snore Games? *Sigh* Who thought THIS was gonna be a good idea?

Styles: Save it until after our fans have bought October Surprise, Scotty.

SW: Yeah, that'll happen. *Pfffft*

Styles: Gyant onto the middle rope. Elbow right into the steel heart of Red Chair! Kobe looking for another one. Another elbow drop connects! But that one hurt his elbow a little bit there. Did Red Chair get a reversal?

SW: No! It's made of STEEL you moron! It can't reverse a fat guy sitting on it and farting, how could it reverse an elbow drop?

Styles: Kobe shaking off the pain and there's a tornado DDT on Red Chair! Kobe may be looking to end this one. Hold on, Steel Chair is apparently distracting Kobe?


Styles: Careful, Scotty, don't break the table with your head.

SW: This match SUCKS! I'd rather be smashing the head of whoever booked this thing on this table instead of my own.

Styles: That distraction by Steel Chair just gave Red Chair the opening. Leg lariat connects! Oh no! I guess you could call that a big alley-oops by Kobe, huh, Styles?

SW: (Groans)


Styles: And there's a tag by Red Chair to Steel Chair.


Styles: Con-chair-to by Steel and Red Chair! Kobe is down and hurt.

SW: So is my brain. Can I tap out and end this match? Please?

Styles: Steel Chair stomping a faint imprint on Kobe in the corner now.


Styles: Clubbing shot to the back of Kobe's head.

SW: Please! Kobe is hitting himself!

Kay Fabe

Kay Fabe: Hey, Styles. Scotty, you need a spanking.

SW: Woohoo!

KF: And to provide that spanking, please welcome,

SW: Jerri Li?

KF: No.

SW: Misty Waters?

KF: No.

SW: You?

KF: No.

SW: Sarah?

KF: NO! Will you let me tell you?

SW: No! If it isn't any of them, it's going to be really bad.

KF: Oh, yes. It's going to be bad. You've been naughty. Please welcome…*Flick*

SW: Owww! You flicked me.

KF: Yeah. We couldn't afford a hot chick cameo this week. *Flick Flick*

SW: Hey! Quit flicking me!

KF: Quit being a dick hole. *Flick*

SW: Me? *Flick* Ow! No! *Flick* Ow! Stop!

Styles: Cover! One, two, and no! Kobe Gyant able to kick out. Kobe pulled up. Whip to the corner. Steel Chair with a dropkick! Hold on. Kobe with a kick. POWERBOMB on Steel Chair! Kobe needs to make the tag to Al U. Minium-Ladder, which could see its first BOB action in just a few seconds.

SW: I guess this would be a "cold" tag technically?

Styles: Possibly.

KF: There just aren't enough jugs in that ring right now. Seth should hire a new referee. Preferably, a blonde.

SW: With gigantic boobies!

KF: Of course. Sorry I flicked you, Scotty. I forgot we have so much in common.

SW: You can flick me anytime, Kay.

KF: OK, ewww.

Styles: I second that. Kobe dives and makes the tag! Ladder over the top rope.


Styles: Flying crossladder block on Steel Chair! Now Kobe wedging Red Chair in the corner. Is Al U-Minium-Ladder about to dial it up?

SW: Dial what up?

Styles: The 020!

SW: 020? Is that the area code of London, England or something?

Styles: Quite possibly. And if not, hopefully one of our English viewers will correct us.

KF: Oooh! I speak English.

Styles: British English?

KF: Oh, we should ask Little Good! He sounds British Englishy. He's all wanker this and bollocks that.


Styles: There it is! Now what? Kobe and Ladder heading up top? Oh no! Tandem leg drop by Ladder and splash by Gyant on Steel Chair! Unbelievable! COVER! ONE! TWO!


Va-Jay-Jay DillonBeige ChairBlack Chair

Styles: DAMNIT! Va-Jay-Jay Dillon just hit Kobe with Beige Chair! And now it's on! All four of the 4 Steelchairs are assaulting Kobe Gyant and Al. U. Minium-Ladder!

[Translation: Dillon is hitting them with the various chairs.]

Styles: Black Chair. Red Chair. Steel Chair. Beige Chair. It's a gang beating!

SW: Man, I haven't seen a beating this bad since I tried to join that fraternity!


Styles: OH MY GOD! Va-Jay-Jay Dillon just blasted Generic Ref with Black Chair!

SW: Oh man. Are you kidding me? Look at this.

Mike MonroeWoody TableAcoustic Guitar

[The crowd cheers a bit as Mike "Monotone" Monroe heads down the aisle with Woody Table under one arm and Acoustic Guitar in his other hand.]

SW: Mike frickin' Monroe?

Styles: Is Mike Monroe the fifth man?

KF: *Snort*

Styles: And the odds and stupidity have just evened up. Acoustic Guitar goes right after Red Chair. Wood Table just took out everyone else with a crosstable block! And Mike Monroe is in. He's got Va-Jay-Jay? Oh no. Don't tell me. We've got a catfight?

SW: Kay, can you please go in there.

KF: Gladly!

[Kay runs to the ring, grabs Mike and tosses him aside. The crowd pops huge as Kay and Va-Jay-Jay Dillon start scratching and clawing at each other.]


SW: Woohoo! I don't know if this cat fight will sell pay-per-views, but ratings have gotta be through the roof!

Styles: It's absolute chaos out here right now. Hopefully this can all be settled in Snore Games at October Surprise. It will be The 4 Steelchairs and Va-Jay-Jay Dillon vs. Kobe Gyant, Al U. Minium-Ladder, Woody Table, Acoustic Guitar, and, I think, Mike Monroe. No doubt Mike is even looking for payback after what Steel Chair did to him at Power is Stolen.

SW: Oh, let's show that bloody pic of Mike. I love it!

Mike Monroe


Styles: Well, Kobe and Al pick up the win by DQ in this one. I think. Generic Ref is unconscious, so who knows.

Kurt AngelMisty Waters

[Meanwhile, Kurt Angel is sitting on a couch in the lobby of the hotel. Misty Waters wanders by.]

KA: Hey, Misty.

MW: Uh, hi, Kurt. What's up? I mean, other than the huge sales of my latest straight-to-DVD softcore classic, Max Pleasure?

KA: I want you to be the first to know.

MW: Oh? Groovy.

[Misty pulls out a flask of something and takes a swig.]

KA: That's right. The first to know that I'm challenging Zombie Mr. Fantastic to a match at October Surprise.

MW: Wow. Is that popcorn or the buy rates I hear popping? (Beat) Definitely popcorn.

KA: You know what? I've declaring zombie jihad, Misty. A zombie ate my freakin' hair! I had to shave my head bald!

MW: Wow, that's rough. I hope zombies don't chomp on my hair pie.

KA: And then Zombie Mr. Fantastic is trying to commit adultery with Death's wife, Katie Death? That's just wrong. Zombies without morals? What's this world coming to! Zombie Mr. Fantastic is a bad, bad, zombie man. Let me tell you something Zombie Mister! At October Surprise, you're not going to be screaming "brains, brains." You're gonna be screaming Ooooooh! Rah! Rahhhhhhhh! Oh yeah. I also wrote you a poem.

MW: Really? How sweet.

KA: Not YOU. Zombie Mr. Fantastic!

MW: Why am I even here?

KA: Dismembered zombie
His head rolling on the floor
Soccer anyone?

MW: You suck.

[Misty walks away.]

KA: Wait, Misty. (Following her) That was my old gimmick. My DAMN old gimmick! Misty! Misty! I'm bald now darnitall! I'm bad ass now!

XXXtreme MachineSnapmare KidMichelle

[Cut to a stage with a red carpet. XXXtreme Machine and Snapmare Kid are seated on tall chairs, both dressed in ratty suits that look like they were bought at a really old person's yard sale for less than 10 cents. A sign behind them reads "t0n h@l dabait!!!"]

Michelle: Good evening from Sin City. I'm Michelle, and I'll never forgive Dr. Silaconne M. Plants for making me be in the same room as these two losers. *Sigh* Welcome to the first ever Fingerbang XXX town hall debate, sponsored by Mr. Fantastic's Brains In A Can. Mmmm…brainy. Hopefully they won't burn the set down this week. *Ahem* Here's how it works. The audience, made up of uncommitted October Surprise buyers, will ask questions of these two in the hopes of deciding whether to buy October Surprise, exclusively presented by BOB-On-Demand at Now sadly, please welcome, XXXtreme Machine and Snapmare Kid.

[The audience boos.]

Michelle: OK. Let's go to some crazy old lady first.

[A woman in the audience stands up with a microphone.]

Crazy Old Lady: Um, yes. XXXtreme Machine, the world wants to know who will kick The Wizard and Thomas Largeman's ass more thoroughly at October Surprise — you, or your tag team partner?

XM: the wiz iz a seecrest abra muzlim~!!!!!

Michelle: Snapmare Kid? Your response?

SMK: My response?

[Snapmare Kid snapmares the tall chair.]

SMK: I'm pumped up on burritos and have plenty of gas left in my tank! You can change my initials from SMK to SBD, Crazy Old Lady! I'll be running to the border, and The Wizard and Thomas Largeman will be running for gas masks! We need biological warfare!

Michelle: Ewww. OK. Next up, we have Short Old Guy With A Beard and a Pointy Hat who has a question.

Short Old Guy With A Beard and a Pointy Hat: Um, yes. How much does the fWo suck in your opinion?

XM: wathz tge fw)?

Short Old Guy With A Beard and a Pointy Hat: My apologies, wrong question. Tell me, how much does this hurt?

[XXXtreme Machine's chair suddenly levitates and rams into him from behind, knocking him to the floor.]

XM: ow.

Michelle: Snapmare Kid? Your response?

SMK: Um. No?

[Snapmare Kid's chair suddenly rolls toward SMK and trips him.]


SMK: I'd like to change my answer to a bit, Michelle!

XM: ur a fip fluppr!!!

Michelle: Let's send it to Coma and Hallucination Boy for wrap up? Oy.

ComaHallucination BoyThomas LargemanThe Wizard

[Coma and Hallucination Boy stand in front of a giant TV screen that shows The Wizard and Thomas Largeman storm the stage and beat up XXXtreme Machine and Snapmare Kid. Hallucination Boy is busy smashing his microphone on the floor in various places.]

HB: Holy Google, it's spiders vs. the world wide web! Cache this, esse!

Coma: The Mongols are coming, Marie Antoinette, narf! The Mongols are coming, Alice in Wunderground, neep! There's a 10 percent chance of POINKAMANIA 3!

Kay FabeJerri Li

[Thankfully, we head back to the ring. "Rising Sun" by Bexta plays.]

NH: The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Making her way to the ring, from Parts Unknown… Kay Fabe!

Styles: Kay Fabe may be looking to regain Sarah’s trust after she was forced to resurrect her opponent from the dead at iMPLOSION! 10.

SW: She just did it for eye candy.

Styles: She’s a former lesbian, Scotty.

SW: Right. And I'm a former alcoholic. No such thing as "former."

Styles: It looks like Generic Ref has recovered from that brutal chair shot in the last match.

SW: You sure? He isn't even checking out Kay's ass.

[“Hung” by Napalm Death plays next.]

NH: And her opponent, from Intercourse, Pennsylvania… Jerri Li!

[Jerri walks out wearing nothing but saran wrap.]

SW: Oh baby! Even your glasses are steaming up Styles!

Styles: I just have something in my eye. Jerri’s attire certainly leaves little to the imagination.

SW: Hahaha. Call the Lesbian Rehab Center. Kay's having a relapse!

Styles: Well, she’s going to have her hands full tonight.

SW: Yeah, with Jerri's boobs!

Styles: Jerri slides into the ring and there’s the bell! Collar and elbow tie up. Kay Fabe reverses into a hammerlock. Jerri with an elbow and a go behind into the waistlock. She goes for a German suplex but Kay frees herself in mid air and runs to the ropes. Flying cross body attempt caught and turned into a powerslam… but countered into an armdrag mid-fall!

SW: Wow, that was athletic.

Styles: Jerri charges with a head full of steam and gets taken over with a big back body drop! Kay Fabe with a snapmare and a stiff kick to the back. She pulls her up by her hair and slams her head into the top turnbuckle. Jerri shakes it off and slams Kay’s head into the turnbuckle as well before scooping her up and putting her into the tree of woe. She dashes to the opposite corner and hits a hard basement dropkick right to Kay Fabe’s face.

SW: And I’m starting to feel lightheaded as her saran wrap begins to peel away.

Styles: Kay Fabe falls to the floor like a rag doll and Jerri uses her razor sharp nails to claw at her face until blood appears. She’s wearing the crimson mask!

SW: Already? Jerri doesn’t waste time.

Styles: Kay spits blood in Jerri’s eyes and gets back to her feet. She puts her in a headlock and runs up the ropes. Swinging bulldog connects! 1, 2 and no.

SW: Kay Fabe is on fire tonight!

Styles: And she’s taking it right back to Jerri with nails dragged along the face. She’s digging them in as deeply as she can but Jerri just seems to be lying there and taking it.

SW: She loves it.

Styles: Jerri grabs Kay Fabe by the sides of her head and kisses her!

SW: Yes!

Styles: Kay Fabe pulls herself away, shocked. Jerri stands up and headbutts Kay, blood flies off both girls’ faces. Jerri kisses her again and bites at her lips. Kay Fabe pushes her back and knocks her down with a push kick to the face.

SW: She’s pretending she doesn’t like it.

Styles: Well I doubt she ever liked having her lips nearly ripped off. Jerri pulls herself up in the corner, still dazed as Kay Fabe runs at her screaming. Jerri dodges a high kick and Kay Fabe’s leg gets caught on the top rope. Dropkick sends her tumbling to the outside!

SW: She’s on Jerri’s home turf now.

Styles: Jerri follows and throws Kay Fabe shoulder first into the flimsy guardrail, which collapses from the force! The fight is going into the crowd now as Jerri throws Kay Fabe into a row of steel chairs!

SW: Empty chairs, Styles. The fight can’t go into an audience that isn’t there.

Styles: Jerri picks Kay back up by the hair and drags her to ringside. She tries to drive her head into the ring post but Kay blocks by putting her foot up. Kay switches behind Jerri and backdrop suplexes her onto the unprotected concrete floor!

SW: Generic Ref isn’t even making a count.

Styles: As Kay Fabe celebrates Jerri kips up and levels her with a clothesline. She rolls her back into the ring and climbs up onto the apron. Slingshot leg drop hits nothing but canvas as Kay scrambles out of danger and reacts quickly with a dropkick. 1, 2 and Jerri kicks out again!

SW: Jerri is practically naked now, the saran wrap has almost been completely torn off.

Styles: The censors wont let you see anything.

SW: I’m not watching this on TV, they can’t stick a big ‘censored’ logo over my eyes.

Styles: They’ll make me blindfold you. Kay Fabe now with a suplex attempt but Jerri kicks free and flips forward onto her feet. She spins and tries to lock Kay in a sleeper but gets a back elbow to the jaw. Kay Fabe goes for a hoodancanrana but Jerri powerbombs her with authority. 1, 2 and no. Kay Fabe just manages to kick out!

SW: I see London, I see France…

[A ‘too rude for TV’ image appears on the screen as Jerri’s clothes now cover little more than her nipples and vagina.]

SW: Talk about beaver! At least she shaves her legs I suppose.

Styles: Generic Ref is trying to cover Jerri up with a bathrobe.

SW: No! Fire him! Damn you Ref, my dreams have finally come true and you try to take them away!

Styles: Jerri is reluctant to wear the robe and argues with the Ref. Kay Fabe, back on her feet now, attacks from behind with a forearm and knocks Generic Ref down in the process. Jerri hits a spinning back fist that just knocks Kay Fabe out cold.

SW: We’ve got outside interference again, it better not be to make Jerri where that bathrobe.

Christian St. Christian

Styles: It’s Christian St. Christian! One of the Fetish Freaks! He hops over the guardrail and immediately drags a table out from under the ring. Jerri pulls Kay Fabe by her arms out of the ring as St. Christian finishes setting up the table and lays her on top of it. St. Christian is climbing up onto the top turnbuckle. Double Stomp through the table!

SW: And Generic Ref will start to regain consciousness as soon as the evidence is gone, you watch.

Styles: Jerri and St. Christian roll Kay Fabe back into the ring and kick the splintered wood back under the ring. And no sooner has the evidence been swept under the carpet Generic Ref starts to come round.

SW: Told you.

Styles: Jerri Li has Kay Fabe up… Tombstone Piledriver connects! 1, 2, 3! Hold on. WHAT happened?

Angelina X"Stupendous" Stephen Hawking

[Somewhere in the hotel, Angelina X is at the bottom of a stairwell kneeling over her man "Stupendous" Stephen Hawking. Hawking is on the floor out of his chair. The wheelchair is turned on its side.]

Styles: I'm being told that somebody pushed Stephen Hawking down the stairs! Oh my GOD!

SW: Well, look at the bright side. At least he can't get hurt any worse than he already is! Plus, he just proved the Big Bang theory. Too bad he caused all the noise when his chair was crashing down the stairs! Bwahahaha! So much for zero gravity.

Styles: You are going to a special place in hell.

SW: See you there.

Styles: Who could have done this?

SW: How do we know Angelina didn't throw him down there anyway? Didn't she kill Mr. Fantastic? Maybe she's a black widow.

Styles: Why would Angelina do it?

SW: She's a bitch?

Zombie Mr. FantasticSteve StudnutsSarah "The Jobber Slayer"Trey VincentSeth Harker
Insano ManoKamikazie KenXXXtreme MachineSnapmare Kid

[The camera pans around to show Zombie Mr. Fantastic, Steve Studnuts, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer," Trey Vincent, Seth Harker, Insano Mano, Kamikazie Ken, XXXtreme Machine, and Snapmare Kid all standing around the hallway and whistling innocently as the camera finds them all.]

Caption: To Be Continued...

October Surprise! Coming in November! Most likely! (Last time we bloody name an On-Demand after a month...)

And don't forget, coming soon. March Mayhem? Oh, screw THAT!

October Surprise, exclusively on BOB-On-Demand! Order now! Buy three, get one free*!

*Full price

Pretty BoyKamikazie Ken

[Backstage we see Pretty Boy flying down the corridor, merrily on his way.]

Styles: There's Pretty Boy, Scotty.  Did you know he's actually a she?

SW: I had that issue in high school.

Styles: Huh?

SW: For three years after my junior high school year I had an inny instead of an outy after an accident on the monkey bars.

Styles: Yikes!

[Kamikaze Ken emerges from his locker room, near knocking Pretty Boy over.  She and Ken begin a stare down in the hall way.  Nose to beak.  Eye to eye.  The intensity is thicker than something REALLY, really thick.]

SW: Whoa!  There's some tension there, Styles.

Styles: SEXUAL tension, I'll bet.

SW: I bet you'd bet.

Styles: I bet you'd bet I'd bet so I bet fifty bucks.

SW: You that I'd bet on your betting about a bet?

Styles: You bet!

SW: Ermmm... my head hurts... STARE DOWN!


[Pretty Boy eventually wings Ken on her way past, nudging him to the side.  Leaving him staring down the corridor after her.  Possible checking out her tail feathers.]

Dr. Silaconne M. Plants

[Elsewhere, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants is in a small room seated at a desk in front of a telephone.]

SMP: So, we're running a bit long. Can we go past the top of the hour, like "Nitro" used to do all the time back in the day? Or like a two-part season finale thingee?

Voice: Sure, once you start posting 3's in the ratings.

SMP: Crap.

Voice: It's not my fault you didn't save any time for your main event and have a bunch of retarded monkeys for editors. But here's what you can do, Plants. Next week, run another show. Show the Scrabble Scramble Match. Throw in some filler to hype up your next On-Demand. Voila. Problem solved.

SMP: Works for me. So you heard the voice on the phone. We're out of time. So next week, we'll really, honestly, quite possibly actually finally maybe deliver this Swiss Army Belt Scrabble Scramble Match. Get it? Got it? Good! Am I still in charge?

Voice: Sure.

SMP: Good. So for Mikey Styles, Scotty Whatbody, this is Dr. Silaconne M. Plants saying…whoopsie?

©2008 BOB Wrestling.


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