[Seth Harker emerges from his room, licking his lips.]
Harker: Damn. I'm thirsty.
[Harker slowly looks side to side, as "Rising Sun" by Bexta plays in the background. Styles and Scotty talk for a couple seconds over Harker's cool hallway scan.]
Styles: Seth Harker is thirsty, folks!
SW: OMG! Get the man a beverage!
Styles: I think Harker would like a Yoo-Hoo!
SW: American Panda would use you as an hors d'ouevre, Styles.
[Harker leaves his room, still going in slow-mo to head toward the direction of a soda machine. There's a *needle scratch* sound effect as Harker spots something shiny at the end the hall. His jaw falls open wide as realizes it's a treasure chest.]
SW: Let's go hunting for treasure, Scotty.
Styles: We are WAY on the verge of copyright infringement here, Styles.
SW: Last time I had a treasure chest I had to scrub it for a week. Last time I get German schizen hookers.
[As though hypnotised by the shiny, Harker walks down the hall toward the treasure chest. There is a noticeable crackle beneath his feet. Seth looks down to find himself standing in a pile of leaves on the carpeted floor.]
Harker: Leaves? What gives?
Voice: NOW DINESH!
[After the shout, the leaves move beneath Harker's feet, and Harker finds himself hoisted into the air inside of a net.]
Harker: What gives?
SW: He's been captured, Styles. Call the FBI! Call the paramedics! Call me while I'm in my bubble bath.
Styles: You really ARE incorrigible, Scotty. You really are!
SW: If I knew what that word meant, Styles, I would either be really angry or really hungry.
Styles: Seth Harker has just been captured in a net folks. We're about to find out the mastermind behind his capture.
Seth: You! I should have known! I am the Acting BigBOSS after all.
[Kid Pirate swaggers into the camera's view, nodding his head at Harker, carrying a plastic sword.]
SW: He's ARRRmed, Styles!
Styles: Yeah, with a plastic sword, nonetheless. His real sword was removed when he nearly gave Jerri Li and accidental hysterectomy.
SW: That's the only piercing she DOESN'T have!
[Kid Pirate pokes Harker right in the ass, causing his eyes to light up and him to try and snatch the sword.]
Harker: You are now literally a pain in my ass.
Kid Pirate: YARRR! Harker, ya land lovin' land lover. Ye be the captain of a ship I wish to be the captain of. YARRR!
Harker: I don't captain any ship, Jack Whack-o.
Kid Pirate: YARRRR! But ye do, lad. Ye do. Ye see, Harker, ye be the Captain of the HMS BOB and Kid Pirate would loike ta be the captain of this here ship, lad.
Harker: You might have more success captaining the Titantic these days. Besides, I'll never hand the Acting BigBOSS title across to an idiot with a peg leg.
Kid Pirate: I be challengin' ye to a "Walk-the-Plank Match" to be the Captain of BOB, Harker. And I'll nay let yer land lovin' land lover arse doon 'til ye agree. YARRRR!
[The Baddest Pirate on the Eight Seas gave Harker another prod in the arse just for good measure.]
Harker: Do you mind? That's a mildly annoying.
[Prods him again.]
Seth: Fine. Just let me down.
Kid Pirate: YARRR! Not til ye say that you'll face me at MegaBrawl II for the Acting BigBOSS Captain of BOB match, Harker, ye swine!
Harker: *Grumbles* That you'll face me at MegaBrawl II for the Acting BigBOSS Captain of BOB match, Harker, ye swine. Cool? Now let me down you idiot!
Styles: Well, Harker certainly took that literally.
Kid Pirate: Dinesh!
[Kid Pirate nods at Dinesh who lets go of the rope. Harker falls to the floor with a thump as Dinesh the Dhastardly picks up the treasure chest.]
Kid Pirate: YARRR! Attaboy, Harker. I be lookin' forward to steerin' this here ship, Harker. And ye be thrown in the brig when I do. 'Til I figure oot what ta do with ye. YARRRR!
[Kid Pirate gives him one more jab in the ass before leaving Harker fuming in the middle of the hall.]
[Inside of a bright pink bathroom, Scatman has a can of a green spray paint and is coloring everything in sight.]
Jerri Li: What the hell is he doing?
Christian St. Christian: I think he’s on acid.
Scatman: Boiling blue in a bodybag! Torn newspaper! Believe!
CSC: Yep, he’s hit the point where Coma sounds normal.
Jerri Li: Shucks, I didn’t ask you guys back here to smoke a cigarette where Generic Ref wont find us. Seeing as Tentacle Beast is dead I was hoping to ask for a very special match to be booked involving you two with a very special gimmick, but I needed to know what you both of thought of it.
CSC: A handicap match against Ken War?!
[Scatman holds his fingers up to his hair (dookie stained hair that is) and charges around the room like a bull.]
CSC: Jesus, don’t break any of the mirrors.
[Jerri Li stares at St. Christian like this is important.]
Jerri Li: I was going to ask for you, Christain, to fight against Scatman in a singles match.
CSC: What?! That’s a squash!
Jerri Li: Puns about your dumb crush fetish aren’t going to get you anywhere with me.
CSC: Oh, I get it. You want to see who the most dominant Freak is! Am I right?
Jerri Li: Well, I’m kinda in the main event at that show. I just wanted you guys to beat the fudge out of each other. Sorry, censors!
CSC: Oh right. So it’s another sickening Hell-o in a Jell-o match with dookie in place of jell-o?
Scatman: Ferrero Rochet you are spooling us!
Jerri Li: No, it’s a… hardcore snowball fight! Broadcast live from the Arctic!
CSC: What am I supposed to do? Crush seals? I need my complimentary basket of fruit God damnit!
[Scatman pukes into a sink, mistaking it for a toilet bowl.]
Scatman: I poo all day, I poo all night, never ever did see a poo that didn’t catch my sight.
CSC: You’re going to need that esoterically trip into the fourth dimension, Scatman, because I am going to prove once and for all… that I am the strongest and most hardcore Fetish Freak.
Jerri Li: Dude, I already told you I’m the strongest out of you pervs. I’d have a brass knuckle boxing match against my self if BOB didn’t want extra T&A to draw ratings.
Scatman: Decrease the apple of my eye! Wax on wax off! The atom bomb hooked the clouds like a rubix cube.
CSC: I can already see the steam billowing off his artic stench.
[The BOB ballroom. Outside of the ring is a movable kitchen island with a stovetop on it. Various cartons of eggs and milk, meat, veggies, plates, and frying pans are scattered on the counter.]
Styles: Hello everyone, and welcome to what will hopefully be the final iMPLOSION of 2008! We've got one match and it's gonna be a big one. It was so big we didn't even have time for it last week!
Scotty Whatbody: Will you quit doing exposition and introduce me!
Styles: Oh, right, where ARE my priorities. I'm Mikey Styles, along with Scotty Whatbody. And Scotty, what are you expecting to see here tonight?
SW: I want to see somebody's head get scrambled! Will Studnuts go over easy, or if he'll face a devil of a challenge from one of the young foes, such as The Great, who's looking to eggs-it with the Swiss Army Belt for the second time? Death, however, is a hard-boiled veteran. He told me earlier tonight that he learned from a pet chicken that wouldn't cross the road because it didn't have enough guts. Death says he has the guts tonight. Then there's an XFactor Pete Trable, who didn't grow up too far away from San DiEGGo, the young foo' who no doubt hopes to win through some fowl play. But the fourth challenger, "Stupendous" Stephen Hawking, got himself in quite a pickle last week and unfortunately egg-celerated down a stairwell.
Styles: Bottom line, fans, it's about to get egg-treme!
NH: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your main and only event, and it is the Swiss Army Belt Scrabble Scramble Match!
["Hells Bells" by AC/DC hits.]
NH: Introducing first, representing your Sin City Icons!
Styles: Yeah, week six was rough.
SW: Hopefully the Icons are still stinking up the joint and haven't just won two weeks straight whenever this show airs, or else none of this will make any sense at all.
Styles: It MAKES sense?
SW: To two people, at least.
NH: At quarterback, Aaron Rodgers! At wide receiver, Brandon Marshall, Reggie Wayne, Isaac Bruce and Calvin Johnson! At running back, LaDainian Tomlinson--
Styles: Tomlinson off to a very slow start this year.
SW: Yeah. Oh woe is his toe. And Trey's team because of it!
NH: Michael Pittman and Willis McGahee!
SW: Wow. Don't expect McGahee to stick around much longer. He is despised.
NH: And finally, kicker Nick Folk!
SW: They didn't bring the D but they brought the kicker? Weak.
Styles: It looks like Rodgers will be, pardon the pun, manning the eggs. Should be interesting to see how he distributes the eggs. Think he'll throw or pass more eggs?
SW: I'm hoping he passes more. More chances for spills.
["X Gonna Give it to Ya" by DMX hits. The crowd gives him some love, especially since he hasn't been forced to use the word "gram gram" in months.]
NH: Introducing the first challenger. From Fresno, California, weighing in at 275 pounds, "XFactor" Pete Trable!
Styles: Trable looking for his first title in BOB.
SW: I hope it's a never-ending search.
Styles: Trable has the mic? Oh no.
Pete: Yo yo yo. I'm about to win myself the Swiss Army Belt.
Hey Heidi, that's a nice outfit. Is it made of felt?
[Pete grabs her ass. Crowd pops. Heidi blushes.]
Pete: Heidi, I've gotta beat not one, not two, not three, but four
And then it's off to October Surprise where I'll go to Snore
So who I gotta beat tonight? Stephen Hawking?
Hey look, it's live man not walking.
Pete: Swiss Army Belt? Dude you haven't got a prayer
After that show I'll be having sex,
With Angelina X,
In your own damn wheelchair!
Pete: And then there's Big Bony, who must need some Viagra
Hey, Katie, I know I make you wetter than the falls at Niagra
Death, dude, you better hurry up and do something drastic
Before she starts getting eaten out by Zombie Mr. Fantastic!
SW: Whoa! Can he SAY that on TV?
Styles: Oh. My. God.
Pete: Then there's the dude who calls himself The Great
Let me ya'll a little secret: his first name's not Nate
May be a mystery
Even to me
But there is one thing that I know about the Great's wife
You've heard my raps, you know about Barney Fife and word life?
Then you also know I'd love to be in her face, sucka
And you could call Pete Trable a mother— *mic in the air*
Styles: OH MY GOD!
Pete: Yo, jerkweed, don't think I forgot about you.
Studnuts? Beat ME? Foo'!
Mr. Grand Slam Champ, living it up in Sun Valley
Next time I come visit, I'll drive an XFactor up Connie's back alley
I float like a butterfly and sting like an Africanized honey bee!
Just ask Connie
Yo, Studs, YOU CAN'T BEAT ME
BUT I KNOW YOU WISH…YOU COULD BEAT ME!
Styles: And the crowd loving Pete Trable here in Sin City after hilariously tearing his opponents to shreds.
["Killed by Death" by Motorhead hits. Death is greeted by a mixed reaction of apathy and indifference.]
NH: Introducing challenger number two. From the Netherworld. This. Is. DEATH!
Styles: Fans, we will bring the Scrabble Scramble Match next!
You're not going to buy October Surprise? What are you, racist? Or maybe you're a radical terrorist communist Marxist socialist Muslimist? No? Then PROVE IT!
October Surprise! Exclusively on BOB-On-Demand on November 8! Order it, or we're calling Big Brother on you!
[Cut to the cafeteria where XXXtreme Machine is ordering a burger. He peels the bun off what he receives to reveal meat covered with squirming maggots.]
Lunchlady: Enjoy your meal.
[Christian St. Christian, not looking where he’s going, bumps into XXXtreme Machine and knocks his worm burger onto the floor.]
CSC: Sorry bud, did I catch you?
[As XXXtreme Machine goes to scoop the spilled food off the floor Scatman skids into shot next to St. Christian.]
Scatman: Do you have any chocolate ice cream left?
XXXtreme Machine: u giz ulredi ded uh sig~!”
Scatman: Man, I tried putting baby powder on that rash but it just became infected. I think I went too far with that ab toner belt.
CSC: You always go ‘too far.’
[Scatman jumps up and down on the spot.]
Scatman: I know, I know. But I can’t sit down.
[Then Jerri Li appears with a tray in her hands.]
Jerri: You got any hotdogs left?
Lunchlady: Sorry, we’re all out of hotdogs. We’ve got plenty of Tentacle Beast meat and Brains in a Can though.
Jerri: BOB, shameless merchandising extraordinaire. They’d sell their own kids just to make money.
[Dr. Silicone M. Plants walks into the scene, sipping a beer and eating a bread roll.]
Plants: The Fetish Freaks. I wish I hadn’t run into you guys.
Scatman: You know you love us!
Plants: I saw your little segment earlier. While I’d like nothing more than you two faggots beating the snot out of each other, in terms of storyline it just doesn’t do anything. BOB wants you guys to work as a tag team, so I’m making it a tag team match.
Scatman: But I was going to kick the crap out of this queer!
CSC: If anyone’s gay it’s you!
Plants: You’re both fruitier than a love child born out of a Richard Simmons and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy gangbang. But, you are hardcore. So I’m booking some former BOBsters to face off against you in this hardcore snowball fight thing of yours.
Plants: That… is an October Surprise. Oh, and by the way. I saw your ‘baby poo’ segment the other day. I know you guys are trying to be disgusting for the sake of being disgusting, but you crossed a line. Don’t pull dookie like that again or you’ll be licking the toilets clean for a living.
Scatman: Sounds good to me.
Plants: Ugh, nevermind. We are getting some ratings from the gay pervert web hit crowd for you guys, but talking about raping babies is burning your bridge and trying to cross it.
Scatman: That was Tentacle Beast!
Jerri: Yeah, and now they’re serving him here in the cafeteria.
Plants: Whatever. Just get out of my way so I can pay for the damn beer.
[Plants barges past them and knocks XXXtreme Machine’s burger back onto the floor.]
XXXtreme Machine: haie~!!1
[The lunchlady hands the Fetish Freaks free pumpkin lollipops.]
Lunchlady: Happy halloween!
Styles: Welcome back everyone. The bell has just sounded and we are ready to go. Pete Trable and Death.
SW: Man, those eggs smell good.
Styles: Aaron Rodgers was an amazing three for three on his opening drive, with no dropped passes. He completed passes to Brandon Marshall and Calvin Johnson, and they're cooking now. And no doubt, those eggs will come into play soon.
SW: I wonder if Rodgers could throw an egg into one of Death's sockets from there?
Styles: I don't think he'd dare! Trable with a quick rollup! One! Two, but Death easily kicks out. Oh, Death just kicked Trable head over feet! Quick cover! One! Two! No! We should go over the rules very quickly here, Scotty. This match has a 20 minute time limit. The goal is to either pin every other competitor in the match, or to score the final pin before time expires. There are no disqualifications or countouts.
SW: So even if Studnuts gets only one pin, and it's the last pin of the match, he retains the title?
SW: What a weird match concept. Did they think this up on one of the famous BOB writing staff LSD retreats?
Styles: Most likely. Shoulder block takes Trable down. Cover. One. Two. Trable kicks out. Trable's got Death in a small package! One! Two! No! Very quick nearfall attempts early on. Trable with a whip, reversal by Death. Death charges, but Trable avoids the charging Death. Sunset flip by Trable! One! Two! Death kicks out.
SW: C'mon, Death. Where are those kneelifts? No wonder why he's struggling. He always struggles when he doesn't get his kneelifts in at the start of a match.
Styles: Death with a side slam!
SW: And Styles, this match is so unfair that SMP booked. Studnuts has to face all these guys at October Surprise!
Styles: Yes, but you've also got to consider that Trable, Death and the Great will be tag team partners going into Snore Games. Things could get out of hand tonight. Then what will happen in Snore Games?
SW: Oh, right. Maybe it was genius then. Maybe SMP and Studnuts are just pulling an iAd-like swerve. After all, Plants and Studnuts are on the same team at October Surprise.
Styles: There are a lot of unanswered questions as we go into October Surprise. Plus, you've got Jerri Li and Kid Pirate, the iAd and Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" all involved in that main event match. It should be one of the most violent matches in BOB history.
SW: I can't wait. It'll be like an orgy of violence! Especially with Sarah and Jerri behind bars. Oh baby! I hope the surprise is nudity!
Styles: Anything can happen on a BOB-On-Demand event.
SW: Yeah. Like I can say *BEEP* without getting beeped.
Styles: Death working a neck vice on Trable here, but Trable looking for some moral support from the crowd.
SW: Morals? From these people? Good luck.
Styles: Trable back up. Trable with rights. Off the ropes. Trable ducks a bony foot. Oh, but he gets kneed in the head that time! Damn. Death faked the big foot, and then damn near knocked out Trable there. Oh no! Netherworld Powerbomb coming up! No! Oh my GOD! He just Netherworld powerbombed him into the turnbuckles!
Crowd: Holy crap! Holy crap! Holy crap!
Styles: Death with the cover! One! Two! Trable gets his foot on the bottom rope!
SW: Hold on. We've got a handoff to running back Michael Pittman. He's in the ring and delivers a plate of scrambled eggs to Death. What egg-related offense do you think we'll see here?
Styles: I think we're about to find out. Death puts the plate of eggs against the top of Trable's head. Oh NO! He just smashed his knee into the plate!
SW: BWAHAHAHA! This is your brain! This is your brain covered with eggs!
Styles: And Trable is hurting from the heat of those eggs, not to mention having that plate smashed into his skull with Death's knee. Now Death piling up the eggs he can on that plate. Suplex on the scrambled eggs!
SW: Oh, Reggie Wayne just broke an egg trying to catch it. Ahahahaha. He's got egg on his face. And his hands. And his uniform!
Styles: One! Two and no! Trable once again kicks out somehow. Trable showing a lot here tonight on iMPLOSION.
SW: Hopefully he won't show as much as when he pretended to be a cyborg. I still have nightmares about that.
Styles: We've got more eggs cooking now. It looks like Bruce and Marshall are cooking up a couple plates. Hold on, here comes McGahee with the second plate of eggs. Fumble! Fumble!
SW: Damn it!
Styles: And it looks like McGahee injured himself trying to get into the ring.
SW: There's a shocker. That guy injures himself getting out of bed this year!
Styles: Oh, here comes Nick Folk for the field goal attempt. The Flunky to hold. The kick is up and…Death catches it! It's good! But this is gonna be bad for Trable!
SW: And Trable just fell harder and faster than O—
Styles: Scotty! Do you WANT Scott Hall to come beat you up.
SW: I'm surprised you don't!
Styles: Me too, actually. Death putting the bony feet to Trable now. Death is in control here, but we're expecting The Great to come into the match in just a few moments. Death dragging up Trable. Touch of Death! No! Trable avoids it. CD! No! Death slips free! Powerslam by Trable connects! Is it time for a little three card monte?
SW: Ugh. I hope not. This move blows.
Styles: Trable off the ropes. Yes! Three Card Monte! Where's the lady, where's the lady?
SW: I don't know about a lady, but I see the lame wigger.
Styles: Leg drop! One! Two! No! Death and Trable trading rights now.
["(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones hits. The crowd gets to their feet.]
NH: Now introducing challenger number three. He is from St. Louis, Missouri, and weighs 225 pounds, this is The GRRRRREAT!
Styles: And The Great is taking his time heading down the aisle. You've gotta wonder if what Trable said earlier will have any impact on who The Great helps out here.
SW: I think The Great's in this match for The Great.
Styles: Meanwhile, Death and Trable are now brawling on the apron near us, Scotty. Death trying for a sideslam from hell?
SW: Oh man! Trable would be finished. Get him, Death!
Styles: The Great's in the ring now. The Great charges! OH MY GOD! The Great just took out Death and Trable with that suicide dive! Now all three competitors are down on the floor.
SW: Here comes Tomlinson to deliver some scrambled eggs into the ring. Wow. That's a rare site. LT actually got in where he was supposed to go. Hooray. Guess it's easier when there's no defense.
Styles: Pittman brings in another plate. Rodgers is back for a pass. To Marshall! Oh, right through the hands.
SW: BWAHAHAHA! That just hit that old dude in the front row! Priceless! OH MAN! He's got crutches? BWAHAHAHA!
Styles: That's terrible, Scotty. The Great tosses Trable back into the ring. Cover! One. Two? No! I didn't expect to see Trable and The Great fighting, I figured they'd team up against Death here.
SW: The Great's got two plates.
Styles: Great-o Plate-o! Cover! One! Two! No! Trable kicked out! The Great didn't have enough body weight to keep him down, apparently. Trable whipped the ropes. Flying Forearm Smash 2 by The Great!
SW: The Great's offense, designed by Smackdown vs. Raw. We seriously need a wrestling school for these losers.
Styles: Cover. One. Two. No! The Great with some Angry Stomps now on Trable.
SW: Think Pete really had sex with The Great's wife?
Styles: He has used that line about having sex with your wife in many raps. He might be living the gimmick.
SW: Change his name to Pete "MILF-Hunter" Trable.
Styles: Cover. One! Two! No! Trable again kicks out. Trable whipped to the corner. The Great with Punches to Head now. Whip to the opposite corner. Trable evades! Quick rollup! Feet on the ropes! TWO! THREE! HEGOTHIM? Oh my GOD! Trable just cheated his way to that one. Oh! Death just nailed Trable with that foot.
SW: Wait. Trable could ACTUALLY win the title now?
Styles: If nobody else gets a pin in the time remaining, he will be the champion.
SW: Oh man. ANYBODY! Do something! Tell Kid Pirate there's treasure buried in Pete's stomach, anything!
Styles: The Great's looking for some eggs. Oh no he's not. He just grabbed one of those hot frying pans!
SW: The Great? Is he about to go Eggs Benedict on Trable?
Styles: He just might! Suplex by Trable on Death! But Death kicks out at two. Trable and Death up, and Trable runs right into a knee. Death unloading now with knees to Trable's gut. NETHERWORLD POWERBOMB!
Styles: OH MY GOD! The Great just blasted Death from behind with that hot frying pan! Death is out to the floor. The Great drags up Trable. Twist of Great! COVER! One! Two! Three! HEGOTHIM!
Trey Vincent: What the hell! McGahee! You suck!
Styles: What is Trey Vincent doing out here?
SW: Oh boy.
TV: You guys are nothing but disappointments! Do you know how much money I've lost on you guys? For what? A .500 record? Sure there's that one team that'll never win a game, I'm sure, unless somebody else runs his team for him…but seriously. The hell, guys?
Styles: Um, Trey? Don't think you want to piss off football players!
SW: Why? Because they're black?
Styles: NO! Because they'll kick his behind all over Sin City!
[Trey begins throwing eggs at the Sin City Icons! The crowd starts going wild as they can't believe Vincent is doing this!]
Styles: Oh no. LT's got a frying pan. And Trey is getting swarmed by his own players! Oh, this is going to be brutal!
SW: Why do I have the feeling that that handle is going to end up in a very smelly place?
Styles: We better take a break and get this match back under control! Fans, we'll be right back!
You're not going to buy October Surprise? What are you, racist? Or maybe you're a radical terrorist communist Marxist socialist Muslimist? No? Then PROVE IT!
October Surprise! Exclusively on BOB-On-Demand on November 8! Order it, or we're calling Big Brother on you!
[Back to the ballroom. "Dead Between the Walls" by Pelican hits. The crowd erupts in a mix of boos and cheers as the Grand Slam champion Steve Studnuts steps out.]
NH: Introducing next, he is the reigning Grand Slam Champion! He's from Phoenix, Arizona, and weighs in at 262 pounds, Steve Studnuts!
Styles: Steve Studnuts, the only man to hold the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, Swiss Army Belt, and both Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team Titles at the same time. And he did it at UnFOURgiven.
Styles: Nice insight, Scotty. Studnuts drops the belts and is in the ring. And he's going right after The Great! The man who would keep the Swiss Army Belt if nobody else gets pinned! Studnuts and The Great unloading on each other, and the fans are electric!
SW: Man, I haven't heard them this loud since Heidi's last wardrobe malfunction.
Styles: Studnuts has The Great up. Spinebuster slam! Oh my GOD! He just punted Trable's face like a football! Studnuts dragging Trable to mid-ring now. Studnuts off the ropes.
[Studs simulates jerking off on Trable.]
Styles: Here it comes! The, uh…Knuck Fuckle Shuffle! The Great charges at Studs, but Studnuts uses The Great's own momentum to toss him over the top rope to the floor!
SW: Do we have an update on Trey?
Styles: Nope. We may have just seen the last of Trey Vincent, Scotty. Those football players were pissed off.
SW: Well, Trey can't be dead. Death is still here for now.
Styles: Speaking of, Studnuts with a brutal clothesline on Death. Studnuts pounding away on the entity he defeated at iMPLOSION 10 in a cage to retain the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. Death whipped to the rope and taken down with a lariat.
SW: Oh yeah! Here it comes, Styles. Death Valley (of the Sun) Driver!
Styles: No! The Great just connected with a Spinning Wheel Kick! Trable's back up and just dumped The Great. Death has Trable! Trable fighting out of the Netherworld Powerbomb! Facebuster! Great counter by Trable there. Death is whipped into Studnuts in the corner. Trable charges. Corner spear! Trable with a cover on Death! The Great breaks it up at two!
SW: Is Hawking coming out next?
Styles: I don't think so, Scotty. I was told he was rushed from the building on a stretcher.
SW: Think the stretcher or his wheelchair is more comfortable? Or can he feel either one?
Styles: Such deep thoughts. Don't drown in them.
SW: I haven't yet!
Styles: Doubt you ever will. Death with a Samoan drop on The Great!
SW: C'mon! Death's way too pale and skinny to be Samoan.
Styles: Studnuts and Trable trading shots. Death whips The Great, who crossbody blocks Studnuts and Trable! Great quickly off the ropes and dropkicks Studnuts in the face. But Death with a clothesline stops The Great's momentum. Death drags up The Great now. NETHERWORLD POWERBOMB! NO! Great reversal by The Great with a hoodanconrana! Studs goes after The Great. Both men trading shots. Double clothesline. All four men are down in the ring!
["Smooth Operator" by Sade hits! HUGE crowd pop!]
Styles: What is this?
NH: And introducing, the final challenger, he is from Naples, Italy, and is substituting for "Stupendous" Steve Hawking. He is the Acting Vice President in Charge of Everything, Dr. Silaconnnnnnnnne M. Plannnnnnts!
Styles: Plants as the VPICOE, has inserted himself into this match. And Plants is in. Plants has Death.
Styles: OH MY GOD! He just tossed Death all the way onto that stove!
SW: I hope the burners were off! Damn! Death must not be feeling very egg-cellent right now. Look! His cloak is covered in food and milk. And his wife never does any dry cleaning!
Styles: Plants goes right for Studnuts! I CAN BARELY HEAR MYSELF TALK! THE FANS HAVE ERUPTED! Plants is pounding away on the Grand Slam Champion! Spinning neckbreaker! The Great charges at SMP, but SMP ducks. NIPPLE CUTTER! Studnuts charges at SMP, but SMP backdrops Studnuts to the floor!
SW: This isn't right!
Styles: Trable's up. MED DEGREE! COVER! ONE! TWO! THREE! Plants is now the man to beat! And Death goes right after SMP. Death and SMP, the main event of last year's MegaBrawl, doing it one more time! SMP was just seconds away from the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS but time ran out. And these two are renewing their rivalry, just like they'll do at October Surprise!
SW: SMP is probably the only guy here who's older than Death.
Styles: Oh, come on, Scotty. Death and SMP fighting on the floor now. Trable and Studnuts alone in the ring at the moment. Death Valley (of the Sun) Driver on Trable! One! Two! Three! And Studnuts just took over ownership of the title he currently holds. Can he hang on for the remainder of this match without being pinned or allowing anyone else to get a pin?
SW: Of course! He's iAd! They run this place! At least when they're not being caught in nets or being gang-beaten by angry football players.
Styles: We're just under three minutes left now. The Great's back in. Studnuts levels him. Trable now heading up top for some sort of move. Very rare for Trable to go up top.
SW: SMP just tripped him! What a cheater!
Styles: Studnuts and The Great are trading shot after shot in the opposite corner now. SMP heads up to the middle rope. What in the world? OH MY GOD!! MED DEGREE FROM THE TOP ROPE! ONE! TWO! THREE!
SW: And it looks like Pete's nose is busted.
Styles: It sure is. Pete's got the crimson moustache going on right now. TWO MINUTES TO GO! Plants is the champ right now. Can anyone else get a pin before time expires?
SW: I can't believe SMP booked himself to the title. This is so like him!
Styles: Death trying to get back in the ring. Twist of Great on Death! Cover! One! Two! Three! Studnuts couldn't break it up in time, and SMP didn't realize it in time. Studnuts and SMP with an EPIC staredown. But The Great attacks SMP, and a bloody Trable attacks Studnuts! The Great tosses Plants! INCOMING! PLANCHA~!
SW: Five more minutes! Five more minutes! Let Studs get his title back!
Styles: Trable and Studnuts catch Death. Double Death Valley (of the Sun) Driver on Death! Oh MAN! Both men cover, but Trable shoves Studnuts off. And Studnuts shoves off Trable. Trable and Studnuts brawling now. Man, Trable looks bad.
SW: The Great's wife is gonna be so sad that Trable's face got so bloodied, and it wasn't because she was on the rag.
Styles: Scotty! The Great's back in. Twist of Great on Studnuts! The Great doesn't need to make a cover here, just play a LOT of defense and keep everybody down on the mat. Another Twist of Great on Death! There's one for Trable.
Styles: Is that SMP or Nick Folk? Wow. SMP just split The Great's uprights with a low blow kick! Studnuts trying to get back up.
SW: Oh NO!
Styles: SMP kicks Studnuts! MED DEGREE~! COVER! ONE! TWO! THREE! SMP just pinned the Grand Slam Champion! Oh my GOD!
[The bell rings.]
Styles: SMP is the champ!
SW: Time expired, right? Please tell me time expired before he got the pin! It didn't count! It COULDN'T have counted!
NH: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner….and NEWWWWWWWW Swiss Army champion! DR. SILACONNNNNNNNNNNNNE M. PLANNNNNNNNTS!
[Crowd pops. Generic Ref hands SMP the title. A huge smile is across SMP's face.]
Styles: Unbelievable! Finally, the Doc has won the Swiss Army Belt in BOB! And he did it by pinning the Grand Slam Champion! Wow. What a match!
SW: Whoop-de-frickin'-doo. He still jobbed to Justin Voss.
Styles: Plants is asking for the microphone now.
Crowd: SMP! SMP! SMP! SMP!
SMP: After I leave this ring, I'm no longer the Acting Vice President in Charge of Everything. BUT…I WILL be leaving with the Swiss Army Belt and as half of the Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team Champions.
SMP: And I'll also be leaving as the challenger for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS…AT MEGABRAWL II!
[Huge crowd pop. Studnuts is just coming to, and staring up at SMP in disbelief. Heidi hands SMP what appears to be a contract. SMP holds it up over Studnuts.]
SMP: In my last act at Vice President, I'm making the match. Steve Studnuts vs. Dr. Silaconne M. Plants at MegaBrawl II! Not just for the ONLY WORLD TITLE. But for every title! We're through after MegaBrawl II. And there will be a NEW BOB Grand Slam Champion.
Styles: What a main event at MegaBrawl II! SMP vs. Studnuts, every title on the line!
SW: And these guys are going to be partners at October Surprise inside the cage at Snore Games? Holy crap!
Styles: Holy crap indeed.
[SMP mocks Studs' masturbation routine and drops the contract on Studnuts for his "money shot."]
Styles: SMP just dropped the bomb on Studnuts and all of us. How many more surprises can there be?
SW: Only one way to find out, I guess. Order October Surprise!
Styles: October Surprise! You'll see TWO Snore Games Matches, as Kobe Gyant leads his team against Steel Chair's team, and the iAd's team takes on Team Greatful Dead! Viruz takes on American Panda in a Bamboo on a Bamboo Pole Match. Fingerbang XXX takes on Thomas Largeman and The Wizard. Christian St. Christian and Scatman takes on two former BOBsters. Kurt Angel vs. Zombie Mr. Fantastic. It's going to be an amazing night. And if you don't order, it'll be a regret you'll never forget!
©2008 BOB Wrestling!
Styles: For Scotty Whatbody, this is Mikey Styles saying, ORDER OCTOBER SURPRISE! GOOD NIGHT!