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Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #16

[Open with pictures of bombs, falling buildings, black holes, and a graph of BOB's television ratings and buy rates. It's iMPLOSION time, kids. Cross the Lame! Fade in on the BOB Ballroom, where a bunch of drunken BOB galaxians have gathered to waste some brain cells on tonight's offering. The pirate ship setup is still in effect, except instead of the usual wrestling mat, it has been replaced by an ugly green shag carpet. I hope somebody stole that from a dumpster and didn't pay for it. Let's head to ringside, where your hosts are waiting.]

StylesScotty WhatbodySarah "The Jobber Slayer"

Mikey Styles: Hello everyone, and welcome to Brawlers On a Budget's Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! I'm Mikey Styles, along with Scotty Whatbody and…Sarah Whatbody?

Sarah: *Sigh*

SW: Oh yeah! Best. Super Bowl. Ever! Woohoo!

Sarah: Styles, I swear we haven't consummated the marriage.

SW: You may not have. But your clothes say otherwise!

Sarah: I'd burn my wardrobe, but I can't afford any new clothes right now. (She pouts)

Styles: I warned you Scotty could out drink you.

Sarah: I tried to drink myself to death after Pittsburgh scored that b.s. touchdown. But my old buddy Death was a no-show, and honestly, the rest of the evening is a blur.

SW: It's all legal. (Scotty waves around a laminated piece of paper.) That's your signature, Mrs. Whatbody.

[Sarah puts her fist to her mouth and makes a dry-heaving sound. Do you know how to write a "dry heaving" sound? Feel free to PM the bookerman for future reference.]

Styles: When can we expect to see footage of Super Bowl Sunday?

SW: I'm working on it. I was too busy playing Madden this week to get around to it. My QB is now at 53 touchdowns and over 5,000 yards passing with two more games to play.

Styles: Well, at least you were doing something important. (Rolls his eyes.)

SW: Wasn't it national Don't Do Jack For Your Job Week?

Styles: No!

Sarah: What's up with the ring, Styles?

Styles: I'm not sure, Sarah. It's not on my format. What I do know is that you're in the main event tonight against Steve Studnuts.

Sarah: Do I have to? He really kinda kicked my ass last time we met. Really don't need to feel any worse about myself right now.

SW: I'm looking forward to Kobe Gyant vs. The Great myself. But what's up with giving away a potential future main event on TV?

Sarah: I smell screw job. And body odor. Scotty, seriously, take a shower.

SW: Don't make me smack the bitch down with my friend Mr. Jericho (he says raising the back of his hand).

Sarah: Oh, bring it, lover.

Styles: Yeah, you sound married alright. OK.

[Some generic music begins playing. An older man with white hair, glasses and a beard steps out. He's wearing a black suit and carrying a piece of bamboo in one hand and a plaque in the other. He walks the plank and gets in the ring. Heidi hands him the microphone.]

Man: Hello BOB fans. My name is Willie Stroker, and I represent Just The Bear Facts, a bear appreciation society here in Sin City. And I'm here tonight to present the Bearitarian of the Year Award to a member of BOB!

SW: Willie Stroker? Bwahahaha!

WS: So ladies and gentlemen, please make some, as they say, noise, for American Panda!

Sarah: Bearitarian of the Year?

American Panda

["American Pie" by Don McLean hits. The BOB galaxians pops. After a few seconds, the masked panda walks out on all four legs before standing on his hind legs and letting out a roar. American Panda then runs into the ring.]

WS: American Panda, on behalf of Just The Bear Facts, I would like to recognize you for your amazing work and for showing that bears are equal to, if not better than, us lowly humans.

SW: Oh, brother. This dude will probably be seeking a proposition for bear marriage in November.

Sarah: All hail our new furry overlords.

[Willie and American Panda shake hands, er paws…whatever as some photographer takes pictures of the two holding the plaque. Willie then hands over the bamboo, which American Panda begins nibbling on. American Panda then takes his special microphone.]

AP: Well, thank you very much, Willie. My, your jugular looks mighty tasty…

[The galaxians roar in unison. Literally.]



AP: I'ma eat it! If ya want American Panda to eat his *BEEEEP* jugular, gimme a ROAR!


Dr. Silaconne M. Plants

["Smooth Operator" by Sade, the theme song of BOB's ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, hits. The galaxians boo. Then cheer, remembering he's a heel. Then it's a mix of cheers and boos because the Sin City people are just too confused by this whole anti-hero/heel feud. But there is no SMP. Instead, the 2-Cheap-2-Own TV lights up with SMP's angry face. American Panda nibbles on the bamboo in the corner, expecting SMP to blabber on and on for a bit.]

SMP: American Panda? Bearitarian Of the Year? You haven't even prevented any forest fires. This is a sham! You ate my ex-tag team partner Luke Warm!

[Galaxians cheer.]

SW: Wow, Luke even gets postmortem pops?

SMP: You know what, American Panda? I'ma show you what you have in store for you at Bearly Legal.

[SMP holds up a stuffed panda bear toy.]

SMP: Say hello to Ming the Merciless! By the way, beware of his Tongan Death Grip.

Sarah: WCW references? How OLD is this guy?

Styles: You got it.

Sarah: Yeah, but you MADE ME watch all those videos. Still traumatized.

SMP: American Panda, this is YOU at Bearly Legal on Feb. 28th!

[SMP grabs Ming's head and viciously begins pulling. And pulling. And pulling.]

AP: So, you're saying you're going to try to rip off my head but fail miserably?

[The galaxians laugh.]

SMP: God damn toy! Why can't you be cheap Chinese crap? Hold on. Kurt! Hey, Kurt, come here for a minute.

Kurt Angel

[The camera widens out, and Kurt Angel enters the shot.]

SMP: Let me borrow your lighter.

KA: Are we gonna smoke the panda?

SMP: No! We're going to burn it. Cutting a LIVE promo here.

[Kurt notices the camera.]

KA: Oh! Hey, American Panda. Sure, Sil. Here you go.

SMP: Now, hold the bear.

KA: Hold on, Sil. I could probably trade this bear to a little girl or a boy for some weed money.

[SMP repeatedly whacks Kurt with the panda.]

KA: Hey, hey, hey, buster! There's no need for black and white on white violence!

SMP: Just hold the bear. I promise it will release all sorts of noxious gases once it's in flames.

KA: It better.

[SMP tries to light the bear on fire. Unsuccessfully. For a minute or so.]


AP: So, let me get this straight, SMP. You're going to unsuccessfully tear my head off, then fail to set me on fire. What else aren't you going to do to me? Oh wait, I know. Successfully defend your ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS and not have your *BEEP* jugular eaten!

[Galaxians cheer.]

SMP: Hmm. Well. That should be enough time.

AP: …

[American Panda suddenly falls over.]

SMP: Sucker!

[The TV screen shuts off. Willie Stroker suddenly rips his beard off. Then his wig.]

Dr. Silaconne M. Plants


SMP: I guess, you can say, that I'm smarter than the average bear!

[The BOB galaxians have to cheer this heelish development.]

SMP: American Panda can't say anything right now. Or move really. I spiked your bamboo with a neuromuscular paralytic.

Styles: That son of a bitch! American Panda is helpless now!

Sarah: Oh no! SMP just smashed that Bearitarian Of The Year plaque right into American Panda's skull! Ouchie. And now he's digging it in there.

[The camera zooms in to reveal that American Panda's forehead has been busted wide open. As has his luchador mask.]

SW: Bear blade job? Now that's a first for our sport.

SMP: Aww, this isn't fair is it? We should kiss and make up. Heidi? Can I borrow some lipstick?

SW: Lipstick? Is SMP going fag?

Sarah: I've heard of "bears" before, but I didn't know bears literally meant bear love.

Styles: SMP is using the lipstick to paint American Panda's mouth.

SW: What's that old saying? You can put lipstick on an Alaskan governor but she's still a pig?

Styles: I don't think that's right.

SMP: There's the makeup. Now for the kiss. So pucker up and kiss the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS ASS!

Styles: SMP is squatting over American Panda's head.

Sarah: Is he trying to fart on him?

Styles: Oh no. He's got American Panda's mouth on his butt. He's literally making AP kiss his butt! This is heinous!

SW: Anus?

Sarah: Strangest opening segment in YEARS.

SW: Definitely.

Styles: Here come some guys in "Security" shirts to break up this assault.

SW: Hey, doesn't that guy wrestle in HHHW? And that guy? And THAT guy! Hey! They aren't security!

Styles: Scotty!

SW: What? Did I expose the business.

Sarah: That better be ALL you expose tonight.

Styles: Galaxians, we'll be right back. Scatman takes on Christian St. Christian, we've got a hardcore title match, Kobe Gyant vs. The Great and Sarah vs. Steve Studnuts! Stay tuned!

ScatmanChristian St. Christian

[As we return to the ballroom, the shag carpet has been removed and things are as back to normal as possible for a wrestling ring in the middle of a pirate ship.]

Styles: Welcome back everyone. Our first match is a ‘friendly’ contest between the only two surviving members of the Fetish Freaks.

SW: BOB certainly attracts some weirdos. One of these guys looks like he stepped out of that 2 Girls 1 Cup video and the other is like the nazi dude from "Hellboy."

[“Enema Bulldozer” by Cock & Ball Torture plays.]

NH: The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, from Chocolate Bayou, Texas. Weighing in at 180 lbs… Scatman!

SW: The walking goatse returns to BOB… I really wish he hadn’t.

Sarah: And even covered in poo. He's still sexier than you.

SW: Hey!

Sarah: I'm a poet and didn't even know it!

[“Elephant Song” by Aphex Twin plays next.]

NH: And his opponent, from Parts Unknown. Weighing in at 222 lbs… Christian St. Christian!

Styles: What this match boils down to is a sheer battle of wills.

SW: Yeah, all of Scatman’s opponents have to wear a peg on their nose or they’d faint.

Styles: There’s the bell and Scatman attacks, hammering away on St. Christian with lefts and right. St. Christian summons the fire within and attacks back with force. These two are going at it tooth and nail tonight.

SW: It’s no Mickey Mouse pillow fight either, Scatman’s nose is busted and St. Christian already has a black eye.

Sarah: How can you tell his nose is busted? Poo's naturally gushing out his nose.

Styles: Scatman gets the upper hand back and knocks St. Christian to the ropes… before sending him for the ride with an Irish whip. Flying butt bump gets a one count only.

SW: Oh oh, he’s spreading the love! You could learn a thing or two, my love.

Sarah: You aren't getting ass to mouth, dear.

Styles: Holding his ass cheeks apart Scatman goes for a butt drop but St. Christian escapes in time and hits a basement dropkick to Scatman’s spine.

SW: Ha, I watched one of those crush fetish videos on YouTube… the women’s legs were sexy I guess, but who the hell gets horny from watching apples and toy fire trucks getting squashed under a shoe’s heel?

Styles: St. Christian pulls Scatman up in a sleeper hold, but he breaks free and kneels down before taking off into the air and farting in St. Christians face.

Sarah: I hope he doesn't get pink eye from that.

SW: I suppose I shouldn’t judge, ‘wind beneath my wings’ here plays with his friggin hotdog during a match.

Styles: Scatman with a kick to the gut and connects with the fameasser!

SW: Christian St. Christian’s entire mask is covered in Scatman’s feces.

Styles: Is it wrong that I could really go for a brownie right now?

Styles: 1, 2, and St. Christian kicks out! Scatman scurries up to the turnbuckle and goes for a diving senton but St. Christian slides out in time!

SW: Now he’s leaving dookie stains on the mat!

Sarah: Better bring that shag carpet back out here for the rest of the night. I'm not wrestling on THAT mat. Yeesh.

Styles: St. Christian hops to his feet and hits a double stomp on Scatman’s chest. This has to be taxing on Scatman, who looks like he can barely breathe. St. Christian spins on his toes as he steps off Scatman and stomps down again into his chest repeatedly with one foot.

SW: He’s coughing up blood! Awesome.

Styles: St. Christian scoops Scatman up by the waist and just dumps him on his head with a sickening backdrop suplex. He goes out onto the apron… springboard double stomp!

SW: Alright, he’s dead now.

Styles: St. Christian isn’t done and climbs up to the top turnbuckle with his back to the ring. Goes for a moonsault but keeps turning until he lands feet first onto Scatman’s chest! That’s his move! He calls that the Ultimate Crush! 1, 2, 3! He got him!

SW: Squash.

Sarah: What the heck?

Vicky JeanYou Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Title Belt

Styles: OH man! Vicky Jean just NAILED Christian St. Christian with The You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind T&A Hardcore XX Division title belt! Where did it come from?

SW: *cough*flunkysliditin*cough*

Sarah: Now Scatman's about to get a taste of hardcore to go along with the taste of poopie.

Vicky Jean: What? Don't hit him? Why not? Because he's covered in poo? Oh, right. OK.

SW: She's talking to the belt again, Styles.

[Now Vicky Jean is handed a microphone by Heidi.]

VJ: Now shut the *BEEP* up you inbred Sin City losers while I tell you why the belt is so pissed off. There's some blue haired freak walking around backstage who calls himself "xxxtreme." Bitches and *BEEP*holes, you are LOOKING at the most extreme belt in the history of this sport. At Bearly Legal, it will prove it to five other people. And tonight, I prove that the belt is mightier than the retard. Bring out XXXtreme Machine!

XXXtreme Machine

["This is XXXtreme" by Harry Dick & The No-Tones brings out XXXtreme Machine. The crowd no doubt would be booing if they cared about this guy.]

SW: So, XXXtreme Machine is the face in this situation?

Sarah: Uber scary.

Styles: XXXtreme Machine runs in and charges for the belt. But Vicky Jean pulls it out of the way.

XM: aauthggh!!~~~!!@!

Sarah: It's just like Charlie Brown, Lucy and the football there.

XM: u kumt!!

Sarah: But Charlie never said that.

SW: BWAHAHAHA! Did we bleep that?

Sarah: He didn't actually say the word, so I don't think so.

Styles: Vicky throws the title at XXXtreme Machine. And…XXXtreme Machine is fighting to get free. XXXtreme Machine is down to one knee?

Sarah: A sleeper by a title belt? Oh you've GOT to be kidding me!

Styles: The title has wrapped itself tightly around XXXtreme Machine's head. XXXtreme Machine is down.

SW: Damn these rest spots!

Styles: Vicky Jean lifts the arm once…and calls for the bell? This isn't hardcore wrestling! That's attitude era screw jobbery right there!

NH: Here is your winner via submission, The You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind T&A Hardcore XX Division title belt


Crowd: Ohhhh!

Styles: Oh my GOD!

SW: That bitch is gonna need stitches.

Styles: Christian St. Christian just nailed referee Vicky Jean with a chair!

SW: Hardcore enough for you now, Mikey?

Styles: Christian St. Christian just crossed the line.

SW: Yeah. You could almost say that chair shot was "barely legal."

Styles: Yes. Yes you could. Scatman's got a table! Oh no! Now Christian St. Christian is "holding" the title belt wide open for Scatman to pound on it?

Sarah: *Snort* This is soooo lame!

Styles: Now what? The hardcore title has been laid out on the table. Christian St. Christian is heading to one corner. And Scatman heading to the opposite corner. Oh my god…hold on!

Jerri Li

Styles: Jerri Li's here! Christian has been crotched!

SW: I hope he likes it when his balls get crushed. Yowza.

Tia Tarr

Sarah: And here's my girl, Tia Tarr. Sliced Bread Number Poo through the table on Scatman! Yeah, Tia!

Hamster Girl

[“Zap Your Channel” by DJ Sharpnel hits. Hamster Girl dances her way out and dances around the ring as Jerri Li and Tia Tar stare each other down.]

Styles: This is surreal.

SW: Furry alert! Think she'd find me sexy if I dressed up as a raccoon?

Sarah: She might be afraid you'd eat her.

SW: Oh, I'd eat her.

Sarah: Cheating? Perfect. Grounds for divorce.

SW: But I'd be Rocky Raccoon. Animals can't be married, silly girl.

Styles: Well, I think we know the five challengers for The You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind T&A Hardcore XX Division title in the Plexiglass Elimination Chamber Match at Bearly Legal. Tia Tarr. Jerri Li. Scatman. Christian St. Christian. And…Hamster Girl?

SW: All that matters is I'M not in it. Thanks, shnookums!

Sarah: Die painfully.

Kid PiratePretty BoySam, Sam The Dancing Yam

[Inside The Captain's Cabin, Kid Pirate sat with his legs (natural and peg) on his desk. Pretty Boy was trying to fly while using a tiny broom when Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam knocked and entered.]

KP: Who gave ye permission t' enter these quarters?

SSTDY: Xanta Balls?

KP: Don't know th' lad's. Be he new?

SSTDY: Sure. Anyway. I hear that you need an opponent for Bearly Legal, so I'm challenging you to a title match. Hopefully with Hamster Girl as the special guest referee!

KP: What be havin' ye done t' deserve such a chance at me booty?

SSTDY: I've won eWmania Gauntlet I and III and am the one time eWmania Champion since Feb. 6.

KP: eWmania? What be havin' ye done here in BOB t' get a shot at th' Swiss ARRRRRmy title?

SSTDY: I beat Axl last week.

KP: Oh, come on, that`s like beatin' XXXtreme Machine or bunkin' wi' Michelle. Sea dogs an' land lubbers gets t' do 't at LEAST once. E'en Pretty Boy here.

PB: Rark!

SSTDY: OK. Then I challenge you to…a dance off! Right now. If I win, I get the title shot!

KP: A dance off? Ye're on!

[Kid Pirate gets up as some generic dance music begins playing. The room darkens as spotlights spot and strobe lights strobe. Kid Pirate goes center room begins dancing from side to side generically, mainly using his good leg to gyrate side to side. Sam gets next to him and begins doing some "Stayin' Alive" action followed by some moonwalking. Kid Pirate tries to copy that, but his foot causes a god-awful scraping noise on the floor, and then he trips and falls on one of the boards. Sam continues hopping and then dancing in a move best described as air doggy style with the intent to severely injure an invisible chick's privates. Kid Pirate tries for one last great move, a James Brown like split.]


KP: ARRR! Me testicles! Ah! Me peg leg! Cut th' music! Cut th' lights. Damn ye Sam! Ye`ll pay! At Bearly Legal! Ye`ll pay wi' yer life!

[Sam, oblivious to being awarded the title shot, dances out of the room. Content to dance, dance, dance…]

Kobe GyantThe Great

["Me So Horny" by 2 Live Crew is playing as we return to the BOB Ballroom. The crowd boos as Kobe Gyant steps out with a large smile.]

NH: The following match is set for one fall. Introducing first, from Los Santos, California, weighing in at 280 pounds, Kobe Gyant!

SW: Kunta Kinte in the hizzy!

Sarah: Scotty!

SW: Pete said it, not me. Or Angelina. They're racist, not me. Kunta.

Sarah: Excuse me?

Styles: Do you guys think he really slept with Tifa like he seemed to be implying in his latest Rant? Or do you think he was just trying to get under Axl's skin?

SW: I think Kobe was trying more to get under Tifa's panties.

Sarah: I guess we'll have to see if once you go black you never go back. I know once you go Whatbody, you go lesbian.

SW: Woohoo!

Sarah: What? How can you "woohoo" that?

SW: Lesbian! It's in my contract to go "woohoo" at that.

Sarah: But I was implying that you made me go lesbian.

SW: Woohoo!

Sarah: Stop that! I can't even insult you, can I?

SW: Once I get those pills I got that spam e-mail about come in the mail, you'll be signing a different tune. It'll go a little something like "mmmphh, mmmmph, mmmmpph!" BWAHAHAHA!

Sarah: A world of ewwww.

["(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" by Rolling Stones hits next. The crowd also boos The Great. A face/face match where both faces get mostly booed. Only in Sin City.]

NH: And his opponent. From St. Louis, Missouri, he weighs 225 pounds and is one half of the Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team champions, The Great!

SW: Look at poor referee Vicky Jean. She's got an ice bag on her head after that chair shot she took earlier. I hope somebody hits her chest with a chair next so she'll rub an ice cube on it!

Styles: Two of the future main eventers here are set to go one on one. These two met in a four-way elimination match at Bearly Legal. Kobe was eliminated after an Axl attack, and the Great lost to American Panda, but in controversial fashion, as Vicky Jean ended the match.

Sarah: Yeah, but she probably saved his life. His sexy, sexy life.

SW: You only find him sexy because he would buy you stuff.

Sarah: What's not sexy about that?

Styles: Kobe and The Great had quite a few exchanges in the last couple of weeks.

SW: The best were Angelina's raps about Kobe's tiny penis!

Styles: And here we go. Kobe whips The Great to the corner and nails a leaping clothesline! What a vertical leap! The Great may be out on his feet already. But Kobe isn't done and nails another clothesline! The Great rolls out of the ring after that one. Kobe reaches out, but The Great with Eye Poke 3! The Great's quickly back inside.

Sarah: That eye poke got the biggest pop from the BOB galaxians so far in this match.

Styles: The Great charges but Kobe leaps over him. Clothesline! Kobe charges, but The Great counters with a Headlock Takeover, right into Headlock 1! Kobe looking for an escape here. Kobe's fighting up now with some punches. Kobe's free. He charges. Right into Powerslam 1! One! Two! Kobe kicks out. Angry Stomp!

SW: Are you sure that wasn't Outlaw Stomp 1?

Sarah: Scotty! Don't correct him. His bad, OK? Sheesh.

SW: Oh, our fans know the difference!

Styles: Fine, you're right for once. We should throw a party. Kobe once again trying to fight out of the headlock. Side suplex, all impact. Now both brawlers to their feet. Both men just trading brutal punches here. But Kobe getting the better of it. Knockout blow coming up. No! Great whips Kobe to the corner.


Styles: Superstarkick! Kobe heading to the top rope. Shooting All-Star Press misses! Kobe just crashed hard to the mat on that one! The Great quickly up. Twist of Great! NO! Reversal! Slam Dunk by Kobe! COVER! ONE! TWO! NO! The Great's foot's on the rope! Wow. What a match we are seeing here on iMPLOSION.

Sarah: What's he waiting for? Do another move, Greaty!

SW: Stop molesting him with your eyes woman!

Sarah: Ummm, no.

Styles: The Great promised it and I think we're about to see it. Stunner 03 on Kobe! That's got to be it! One! Two!

SW: Run-in.

The WizardThomas Largeman

Styles: It's The Wizard and Thomas Largeman! Oh come on! Why did they have to ruin this match?


Sarah: Hey, here comes Axl, too! Axl's going after Kobe, who's already unconscious.

SW: Yeah, Axl's used to going after unconscious chloroformed guys.

Styles: Axl and Kobe meet at Bearly Legal, and Axl's looking for even more of an advantage. And Wizard and Largeman are just brutalizing The Great on the other side of the ring.

Pete "XFactor" TrableAngelina X

SW: Here come the reinforcements. It's Pete Trable and…the cyborg Angelina X? I haven't seen a sexier cyborg since Summer Glau! Woohoo!

Styles: Angelina grabs the Wizard and tosses him like a trash bag out of the ring.

SW: Axl just hit Kobe with a Sinister Slice on the floor!

Styles: Trable's got Largeman! Can he lift him up for the CD?

[Trable falls flat on his face, with Largeman landing on top of him.]

Sarah: Guess not. Angelina grabs Largeman and bye-bye. She just tossed him out of the ring, too!

SW: Please throw Axl through a wall next!

Styles: No such luck, as Axl is running for his life. Well, I don't know who won the Kobe/Great match galaxians. But I know that you won't want to miss Bearly Legal when Kobe looks for revenge on Axl, and The Great and Pete Trable look to settle the score with Largeman and the Wiz.

SW: Speaking of wiz, I need to take one. Is it break time?

Styles: Sure.

Steve StudnutsSarah "The Jobber Slayer"

NH: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your main event, and it is the first Trey Vincent Challenge Match! As a reminder, if Steve Studnuts loses, he will not get a match at MegaBrawl III: Season of the Witch against Trey Vincent!

["Dead Between the Walls" by Pelican hits. Studs gets a mixed reaction from the galaxians, with more cheers than apathy.]

NH: Introducing first, he is a former BOB Grand Slam champion. He weighs 262 pounds and is from Phoenix, Arizona. Steve Studnuts!

[Studnuts spits at some galaxians and punches a koala with glasses holding a coffee cup on his way to the ring, winning over many more fans for the heelish tactics.]

SW: Studnuts must really hate his job.

Sarah: Not as much as I hate you.

NH: And his opponent, now making her way to the ring from the broadcast table, Sarah Whatbody!

Sarah: Grrrr!

[She throws down the headset in anger at THAT announcement.]

SW: That's love.

Styles: These two have some history. Studnuts defeated Sarah to win the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS and we thought at the time that Sarah was driving a wedge between their friendship. It turned out to all be a swerve on the way to the reformation of the iAd.

SW: Or was it? Maybe Trey was ACTUALLY planning on not reforming the iAd and maybe Trey actually DID hate Studs and he was just foreshadowing the eventual big money match.

Styles: Maybe we'll find out in a commentary track some day what alternate storylines could've been. And here we go. Main event time. Sarah and Studnuts are center ring. Both brawlers just unloading with punches on each other!

SW: That's it, baby! Vagina power! Vagina power! And don't get any bruises on your face.

[Sarah shoves Studnuts to the corner and suddenly begins punching herself in the face.]

SW: Ref! Stop her!

Styles: Studnuts with a brutal clothesline takes Sarah to the floor. Vicky Jean trying to restrain him and keep him in the…oh my.

SW: OH BABY! He just lifted Vicky's skirt up! Woohoo!

Styles: And Studs is able to go after Sarah after that potential sexual harassment lawsuit. Sarah goes into the Flimsy Guardrail®.


Styles: What the hell? A BOB galaxian just cracked Studnuts with a chair.

SW: That's…Pigeon?


Styles: Pigeon? Oh my GOD! Vicky Jean just called for a DQ. Pigeon nails Studnuts again with the chair and now he's dragging him up.

SW: Wait, so, Studs won the match, right?

Styles: I believe so, yes. Which means Trey Vincent vs. Steve Studnuts is still on for MegaBrawl III as of this week. But I think Trey Vincent may have paid off Pigeon to attack Studnuts!

SW: Pigeon vs. Studnuts at Bearly Legal? Oh come on. Pigeon doesn't even have a handler.

[The lights in the ballroom darken to B-Movie Horror Level™ (now with extra lightning flashes!) as Pigeon lifts up Studnuts and carries him up the plank toward the entryway. "Crucify Your Beliefs" by God Forbid begins playing. Several people in black cloaks are now surrounding the entryway.]

Styles: Druids?

SW: More like Stupids.

Styles: Yeah, that works. Pigeon and those Stupids are doing some sort of magical incantation?

Sarah: Prince of Night, I summon you. Come fill me with your black, naughty evil.

Styles: Hey, Sarah. Quick night. But you must be used to those now being married to Scotty!

Sarah: High-five!

SW: Hey!

Styles: Oh dear lord.

SW: The hell?

Sarah: Oh no he ISN'T.

[Slowly, a Star of David is lowered from the ceiling. Pigeon and the Stupids handcuff Studs to the Star and then he is raised up slowly. Pigeon stands with his back to Studnuts on the floor and extends his arms.]

SW: Pigeon has just Jewsified Steve Studnuts!

Styles: I'm sure you meant to say Studnuts has been tied to Pigeon's symbol.

SW: Oh right, can't offend any religious people. As if any of them actually WATCH this stuff.

©2009 BOB Wrestling!

Styles: Pigeon will face Studnuts at Bearly Legal? Oh my GOD! Galaxians, we're out of time. For Scotty Whatbody and Sarah Whatbody, this is Mikey Styles saying good night everybody!

Sarah: And send us money for Bearly Legal!



© BOB Wrestling!

Brawlers On a Budget is an online fantasy parody wrestling sports entertainment federation (or e-fed) designed to be somewhat funny.

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