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Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #17

[Outside of the Riviera, a Jeep Grand Cherokee pulls up to valet parking. The camera hurries around to the driver's door to see who it could be. After a couple of seconds, the door opens, as the man inside talks with the hotel parking dude.]

Hotel dude: Welcome back, sir.

Trey Vincent

[Then, finally, he emerges…Trey Vincent!]

TV: Have we met?

Hotel dude: I park your Jeep all the time.

TV: Really? So that's why it stinks all the time.

Hotel dude: I'll take GREAT care of your car, sir.

TV: Oooh, biting sarcasm. I'm wounded.

Kay Fabe

[Kay Fabe runs out with a microphone.]

Kay Fabe: Trey! You're back!

TV: Kay! Your front! (He says, staring at her boobs)

KF: What are you doing here?

TV: Trey Vincent got bored of sitting on his ass for the last six months. *BEEP* CWA. Trey Vincent is HOME.

[The galaxians in the arena boo.]

TV: Oh, and one other thing. No more *BEEP*in' galaxian bull*BEEP*

[HUGE pop.]

TV: The WWE wants to call their fans the WWE Universe so BOB calls our fans Galaxians? I don't even know which one is worse!

[Mitch3ll Coal wanders by.]

MC: VINTAGE TREY VINCENT~!

[Kay and Trey stare at Mitch3ll Coal as he wanders away.]

TV: Why not call the BOB fans what they are. Drunken idiots!

[HUGE cheer.]

TV: Now THAT, Kay, is how you do it.

KF: I understand you're going to name Steve Studnuts tag team partner for his big main event match tonight against The Great and Pete Trable. Any hints?

TV: Oh, there's another reason Trey Vincent is here aside from that. Trey Vincent will get to that in a second. But first, Trey Vincent needs to address something that happened while the Executive Producer was away. You see, when Trey Vincent appeared via heavily choreographed DVD footage on iMPLOSION 15, and set up this yearlong buildup to MegaBrawl III for Trey Vincent vs. Steve Studnuts for the first time ever… Actually, monkeys in the editing room, edit that *BEEP* in now!

Caption: OOK OOK!

TV: No problem, Studs, huh? All you have to do is go undefeated for 11 months against endless mystery opponents before I grant you the match against me. Well, yeah, that is kind of easy, I suppose. How about we add in the fact there will be no disqualifications or count outs. The only way to win is to either make your opponents tap out or pin them.

[Back to the parking lot.]

TV: Now, look what happened just TWO weeks later!

Caption: iMPLOSION 16

Styles: Pigeon? Oh my GOD! Vicky Jean just called for a DQ. Pigeon nails Studnuts again with the chair and now he's dragging him up.

SW: Wait, so, Studs won the match, right?

[Now Kay and Trey are entering the lobby of the Riviera.]

TV: How in the HELL did Studs win by DQ in a NO DQ match?

KF: HOW long have you worked here?

TV: It's still no excuse! She's wrecking my angle. Vicky Jean must pay for this insubordination. So on the next iMPLOSION, I'm letting the world know right now, that there will be a PUBIC spanking–

KF: Woohoo!

TV: Oh, sorry. Public. Public. Settle down, Kay. I know you like blondes and all. If only G5 had the standards of Club Jenna, you'd be all over that pubic spanking, wouldn't you? But look. I'm getting distracted and horny. Next week, in that very ring, in this very building, over these very knees, there will be a public spanking of Vicky Jean! Nobody screws up my long-term angles and gets away with it. Do you know how much planning went into this angle? I have a whole WordPad file devoted to it just like Shane.

KF: McMahon?

TV: No! The other Shane. But tonight, stay tuned. Because Studnuts needs a tag partner. And you won't want to miss this mystery partner! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go feud with everybody on the roster at once.

[iMPLOSION opening goes here. Cut to the BOB Ballroom, where a jam-packed crowd of Drunken Idiots have once again filled the ballroom to maximum fire code capacity. The Drunken Idiots give some half-hearted applause as the camera pans ringside before we get to your hosts for the evening…]

StylesScotty WhatbodySarah "The Jobber Slayer"

Styles: Hello everyone, and welcome to Brawlers On a Budget wrrrrrrrrrrestling! I'm Mikey Styles, and tonight, I am joined once again by the happiest couple in wrestling, Scotty Whatbody and his bride, Sarah Whatbody.

Sarah: GROULPH

SW: Hey, you figured out how to write a dry heave!

Sarah: Yeah, Studs taught me.

SW: That better be ALL he taught you!

Sarah: *Snort* Dream on.

Dr. Silaconne M. PlantsKid PirateDeath

[Suddenly, the lights in the ballroom dim. The opening of "Symphony of Destruction" by Megadeth plays. Color becomes black and white as the main part of the song kicks in. Then, out steps the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, followed by Acting BigBOSS and Swiss Army champion Kid Pirate and Death and his trusty scythe. The new supergroup revels in their heelosity before walking the plank and getting in the ring.]

Crowd: EOD! EOD! EOD!

Death: Entities of Destruction in…the…ballrooooooooom!

[Drunken Idiots cheer.]

Death: It sounds like Sin City is EOD country!

[Drunken Idiots cheer.]

Death: You know…ever since Bearly Legal, everyone I've been killing has been asking me, "Why? Why, Death?" And I'd tell them, "Because SMP is the only guy in BOB who deserves to be the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. This man has bled. He's worked for crappy pay. The bookers have fumbled so much it's made me wonder if our head bookers are Kerry Collins and Daunte Culpepper!"

*Rimshot*

KP: Who be Kerry Collins an' Daunte Culpepper?

Death: Football players. They share the record for most fumbles in a season. Anyway. SMP has beaten the best that BOB has to offer. douja, Kevin the Pyromaniac, Trey Vincent, Axl, Steve Studnuts, American Panda. I could go on listing everybody this man has ever beaten. You are looking at a legend, not some afterthought. And you are looking at a man who will be a one-man dynasty. SMP is the best. SMP is BOB. But most important, SMP is the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, and the leader of the most destructive heel stable ever assembled, the Entities of Destruction!

[Drunken Idiots cheer. Kid Pirate begins guzzling some rum.]

Death: Oh, and one other thing. Hey, Mark! The most dangerous entity in wrestling. Really?

Kid Pirate: *spittake*

[The rum goes all over Death's cloak. SMP grabs the mic from Death's bony, alcohol-soaked fingers.]

SW: Who's Mark?

Sarah: Shill?

SW: Mark Shill called himself the most dangerous entity in wrestling?

Sarah: He is deadly on the eardrums. He's like ear rape.

SMP: Thanks, Death.

Death: I didn't get to finish my story. Wait!

SMP: What?

Death: Well, after I finished telling everyone why I killed American Panda at Bearly Legal, they were all like, "Who's American Panda? I asked 'Why?' as in, 'Why are you going to kill me now?'" BWAHAHAHAHA!

SMP: Well, that was vital…Drunken Idiots!

[They cheer.]

SMP: The EOD will roll through the rest of the BOB roster like a wrecking ball through a wall! Now, there's been a lot of talk backstage about the new, upcoming substars in BOB challenging the establishment. Otherwise known as the EOD. First lesson. Let us run roughshod over you for about a year before you decide to band together. We're a newly created stable! Do you honestly think ANY of us will be jobbing anytime soon? Of course not! So guys like The Great…

[Drunken Idiots boo.]

SMP: Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam…

[Drunken Idiots boo.]

SMP: Axl!

[Drunken Idiots throw garbage. Lots and lots of garbage for THAT one.]

Sarah: Did Sil forget about Kobe? The number one contender?

SW: Of course not. It's all mind games. You wouldn't know about that though, you've never been an OWCTM.

Sarah: Um, twice? Hello!

SW: Yeah, but those don't count. You're a girl!

SMP: It isn't even close to your time. This is the time of the Entities of Destruction. The guys who draw ratings, bash skulls, kick ass, take names, and KILL people! I've been here since DAY ONE! I've had more main events than you've had matches! I've won more titles than you've ever been LAID! From Monday Morning Mayhem, to NAGAM, to Chloroform, to iMPLOSION, you are looking at the most ELITE group of SUPERstars to have ever aligned. The iAd? What did they ever do? The Hierarchy?

[More garbage. Um…who brings banana peels and used tampons to a wrestling show?]

SW: Sarah? Did somebody steal our trash again?

Sarah: Oh, don't blame me for that!

SMP: I've main evented every MegaBrawl! 2-0! It's the second longest undefeated streak at overblown wrestling events today!

Death: Actually, you're 1-0-1.

SMP: Oh, right.

Death: Same as some other cool cat standing in this ring.

[Death points at himself with his thumbs.]

SMP: Now, unlike some people around here, I'm willing to put my money where my mouth is. Some people claim they're the greatest while they haven't done a damn thing in this sport. But not me. I'm willing to prove, not only that I'm the best WRESTLER, but also the best CHAMPION in BOB history. That's why I'll be putting the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS on the line in March Mayhem!

SW: Did he just say March Mayhem?

Sarah: Duck and cover! BOB is about to implode for the next six months!

Styles: Will you two get up? BOB isn't imploding. The tournament hasn't even started yet. You're safe at least until then.

SW: Oh. Right!

SMP: Every other champion. Every other BOB substar. Former substars. It doesn't matter who I face. Round by round, my opponents will all face the same fate: total destruction at the hands of the Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling Today! Get it? Got it? GOOD!

Kobe Gyant

["Me So Horny" by 2 Live Crew hits. The Drunken Idiots boo as Kobe Gyant steps out onto the plank with a microphone.]

Kobe Gyant: So you're the EOD? Well, considering how old you are, Plants, that's a fitting name, since you definitely put the E.D. in EOD.

SW: Erectile dysfunction? How would Kobe know?

Sarah: Maybe Axl's been rubbing off on Kobe.

SW: I KNOW Axl rubbed off on Kobe. I was at Bearly Legal!

KG: And the only wood Kid Pirate ever gets is putting on his peg leg. Oh, and P.S., Kid…Pretty Boy might be flying around a little funny after some of the things I did to her last night, you know…

[Drunken Idiots boo.]

KP: You got jiggy wi' Pretty Boy? I ortin' ta kill ye fer that!

KG: Look, it's real simple, SMP. I laid out the challenge. You vs. me in a cage match at Gluttons for Punishment 2. And if you say no, there'll be so many lawyers up in The BOB that you'll think Heidi's filming her latest gangbang flick, son!

[More banana peels are thrown into the ring for some reason.]

SMP: If you idiots don't stop throwing this crap in the ring, I'll come out there and beat up every single one of you!

[Drunken Idiots cheer. A banana peel lands perfectly on SMP's nose. SMP pulls it off and kicks it angrily.]

SMP: You want a CAGE MATCH? Against the MASTER of the cage match? You don't need to threaten anybody, pal! You've got it! But you know what else you've got? A "gyant" sized whoopin' coming your way! Let's get him!

KG: Aww, hold on. You really think that I'd bring a knife to a gunfight or a pen to a test? Nahhh. In case you forgot, we got a little tag match in two weeks. Turns out I found myself a partner who ain't scared of Death, and who ain't scared of some insane titty doc. So Drunken Idiots, please welcome back to BOB…Joe Bananas!

SW: Who?

Joe Bananas

Styles: Joe Bananas! Oh my GOD! We haven't seen him in months!

[Joe has snuck into the ring behind the EOD with what looks like a giant plastic banana.]

Sarah: That's the second biggest banana I've seen this week!

THUNK

Styles: Down goes Kid Pirate!

THUNK

Styles: Down goes Death!

THUNK

Styles: And down goes the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS! Bananas dragging Death toward the corner now. He's holding that giant banana in place in front of Death's skull. What is Kobe doing?

Sarah: I think he's about to go coast to coast!

Styles: Springboard!

WHACK

Styles: VAN HORNINATOR!

SW: Help him, guys!

Sarah: It's absolute bananamonium here in Sin City.

SW: I can see their team name now: Gyant Bananas.

Sarah: Oh, because they have such big penises?

SW: What? NO! Because of that huge banana in the ring!

Sarah: Which one? The one in Kobe's pants or in Joe's?

SW: Styles, I think Sarah's come down with a case of jungle fever. Is there a vaccine?

Styles: No! Will you two focus? SMP and Kid Pirate are able to pull a very groggy Death out of the ring. What a way to kick off iMPLOSION! Fans, we'll be right back as Hamster Girl makes her first title defense against the You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain’t Doing That, Are You Out Of Your Frickin’ Mind T&A Hardcore XX Division title belt. Don't you DARE go away.

Hamster Girl

[Cut backstage, where Hamster Girl and her manager Sammy Stoner are sat worrying about her match tonight. Well, Sammy is, Hamster Girl has a milk moustache and is too focused on a lollipop to care.]

HG: Mmm mmm mmm, gooey centered ice cream flavor.

SS: Ten years I spent out in the rocky mountains raisin’ stunt horses for the movies… how did I wind up here? This place is filled with slime bags.

[Hamster Girl wipes the milk away from her top lip.]

HG: Can I have some huckleberry pie?

SS: No!

HG: Pleeease! I swear I wont make any crumbs! I’ve got one in the fridge I bought from some place called ‘Mama’s little bakery’ and the crust on this thing is so thick, and the filling is so juicy…

SS: Can you stop thinking about food for one second?!

[Hamster Girl shakes her head.]

SS: Would you look at this piece of junk?

[He holds the hardcore title up to look at.]

SS: It looks like they found it in a cracker jack box.

HG: Cracker jack?! Where?!

[She looks around and pouts when she finds none.]

SS: It seemed pretty obvious from the belt’s rant (I can’t believe I just said that) that Vicky Jean is going to get involved.

HG: She wont! She’s the referee lady.

SS: Regardless, if you find yourself in a pickle I want you to just charge with a flurry of punches as hard and as fast you can. Ok?

[She rolls her eyes.]

HG: Can’t I just sit in the audience and have a hot dog and some soda?

SS: I’m trying to prepare you for your match!

HG: I mean afterwards, I just wanna watch after my match is finished.

SS: If you win.

HG: Yay!

You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Title BeltHamster Girl

NH: The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain’t Doing That, Are You Out Of Your Frickin’ Mind T&A Hardcore XX Division Championship!

[“Zap Your Channel” by DJ Sharpnel hits.]

NH: Introducing first, the challenger. Weighing in at 5 lbs… the You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain’t Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin’ Mind T&A Hardcore XX Division Title Belt! And it’s opponent, the champion. From St. Elmo, Alabama. Weighing in at 99 lbs… Hamster Girl!

SW: Two entrances in one, it must be budget cut season in BOB.

Sarah: It’s always budget cut season in BOB.

[Bell rings.]

Styles: Ladies and gentlemen, this hardcore match is now underway. Hamster Girl starting this one off, giggling as she throws the title belt high up into the air before catching it.

SW (sarcastic): Now the belt is doing high spots to get over.

Styles: Hamster Girl cuddles the belt and spins around in circles.

Sarah: She’s so adorable! I want to take her home!

SW: Me too.

Vicky Jean

Styles: Referee Vicky Jean looks at the belt as Hamster Girl continues to cuddle it and nods before climbing out of the ring. Hamster Girl is oblivious with her eyes shut tight and a smile plastered across her face. Vicky Jean returns to the ring with a whole host of weaponry. She swings at Hamster Girl with a Singapore cane, but she dives to the mat in time.

HG: Hey!

Styles: Vicky Jean swings again but Hamster Girl rolls out of harms way in time.

HG: What the heck are you doing?!

Styles: Vicky Jean charges with a steel chair but hits nothing but ropes as Hamster Girl slides out of the ring.

SW: Come sit on my lap Hamster Girl, I’ll protect you!

[Hamster Girl stamps her feet and pouts.]

HG: Stop trying to hit me!

Styles: Hamster Girl throws the belt at Vicky Jean and hides under the ring apron. Vicky Jean nods at the belt as it presumably gives her new orders.

SW: Gee, I wish I could speak beltese... I could tell them to unbuckle off of girl’s skirts and make them fall down around their ankles.

Sarah: I’d make yours squeeze the life out of you.

Styles: Vicky Jean clambers underneath the ring after Hamster Girl, who suddenly appears on the other side. She’s got a stop sign!

SW: *laughs* Couldn’t find the teddy bear wrapped in barbed wire?

Styles: Hamster Girl climbs back into the ring and hits the belt with the stop sign. She suddenly has an ‘I’m sorry’ look on her face and drops the weapon.

Sarah: This girl seriously doesn’t belong in BOB.

Styles: Vicky Jean reappears after not finding Hamster Girl under the ring. She grabs a trashcan on her way back in through the ropes and dumps it on top of Hamster Girl, who then proceeds to run around like a headless chicken until she collides with one of the turnbuckles and falls over. Vicky Jean drapes the belt on top of her and makes the count. 1, 2, kickout before 3.

[Hamster Girl picks up the belt and scowls at Vicky Jean.]

HG: You’re a meanie! I’m finishing this right now!

Styles: Hamster Girl cradles the belt and rolls around the ring in a move she calls the Hamster Wheel! Vicky Jean looks at the belt.

Vicky Jean: Sorry, I have to.

Styles: 1, 2, 3!

NH: Here is your winner and STILL You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain’t Doing That, Are You Out Of Your Frickin’ Mind T&A Hardcore XX Division Champion… Hamster Girl!

Jerri LiChristian St. ChristianScatman

[“Holy Wars” by Megadeth plays.]

Styles: Jerri Li, Christian St. Christian and Scatman are out here, but why?

JL: Hamster Girl! You have something there that belongs to me.

[She points at the belt around her waist.]

JL: I want that title back… get her boys.

Styles: St. Christian and Scatman storm the ring… hey, where are you going?

Sarah: I’m not going to let them attack that poor girl like this.

Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"

[Sarah leaves the announce desk and slides into the ring.]

Styles: Sarah is going after the Fetish Freaks! Kick to the ribs of Scatman! Spinkick to St. Christian! Kick to the head knocks Scatman down! Dropkick on St. Christian! Their plan backfired and now the Freaks run back up the ramp like wounded animals.

JL: This isn’t over Sarah!

Sarah: Why don’t you go slit your wrists already?

Styles: Sarah lifts Hamster Girl’s arm up for her first defense of the hardcore title.

Mr. FantasticMr. Fantastic

[Cut backstage, where a gathering of Mr. Fantastic clones are all looking at the camera wearing sunglasses. The two chosen to form a tag team, Cyborg and Chocolate Mr. Fantastic (someone made Paper Mr. Fantastic into a paper plane and threw him out the window), are at the forefront of the fray.]

Cyborg Mr. Fantastic: Woo! Yeah! Brawlers on a Budget… Mr. Fantastic has been gone from your hallowed grounds for too long. They took my body, took samples of DNA to make clones, rebuilt my tissue with robotics technology, and brought me back to life! Oh yeah, it’s damn true!

Chocolate Mr. Fantastic: For 50 years I struggled and climbed my way up the mountain side like a billy goat in hiking boots, yeah, and when I came to BOB I felt like the end was in sight. To reach that mountain top, though, seemed an impossible task as I was kept down and killed.

Jell-O Mr. Fantastic: Swo iuf id twakes a humbrub ob ubs…

Gummi Mr. Fantastic: … to make it to the top of that mountain…

Ice Sculpture Mr. Fantastic: … we will all hit that ring, every single one of us, and screw job our way there.

Cyborg Mr. Fantastic: That’s right! Mr. Fantastic has finally turned heel! Maybe the power of having an endless army of crazy weirdos corrupted me, maybe I was sick of being held at the bottom of the card, maybe I was just darn ticked off that I got shot… but finally… Mr. Fantastic will be the emperor!

Italian Mr. Fantastic: Come la pasta una salsa il mia del mamma usato per fare! Piantato giù la gola e pieno delle polpette!

Cyborg Mr. Fantastic: When the splash comes… BOB… you will be wiped out!

[All of the Mr. Fantastics turn and walk offscreen.]

Kay Fabe

[The camera turns to reveal Kay Fabe stood there scratching her head. She had meant to interview them, but they just kinda took over.]

AxlSam, Sam The Dancing Yam

[Back in the Ballroom, "You Know You're Right" by Nirvana is playing.]

NH: The following match is set for one fall. Introducing first, from Sinister City, Utah, he weighs something that won't load at the moment due to a horrible connection. Axl!

[Cue needle scratch sound effect. "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by Cindy Lauper begins playing as Axl steps out. The Drunken Idiots have a good laugh as Axl tries to look all mean and evil walking down the plank.]

SW: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sarah: Is there some sort of hidden meaning in the song?

SW: He's a girl, and he wants to have FUN!

Styles: I have a feeling Kobe Gyant may be behind this.

SW: Kobe? He doesn't have any pull around here.

Sarah: He IS the number one contender.

Hamster Girl

[As Axl walks by a fan, the camera notices a familiar face and hamster suit in the crowd.]

Styles: Hamster Girl living up to her word and is checking out the action with the fans.

SW: The Hamster's Champion?

Sarah: Hey, get off of her!

Styles: Axl is screaming at Heidi to shut the Cyndi Lauper music off.

SW: That's probably the most touch Axl's gotten in the last year.

Styles: Sinister Slice? No! Heidi COUNTERS? HEIDICONRANA! OH MY GOD!

Sarah: This isn't on Styles' format!

Styles: Right. This is in no way scripted.

Voice: Cat fight! Meow!

Kobe Gyant

[The 2-Cheap-2-Own Monitor lights up. Kobe appears to be in a fancy restaurant. After all, he's wearing a gold tie with his Los Santos "away" basketball jersey. A large bottle of Colt .45 and a lit candle are visible, as well as an empty white plate, on top of the table, which is covered by romantic red tablecloth.]

Sarah: There's Kobe.

KG: Hey, girls! Hey, Randy. Looks like you lost this round to Stephanie. So I guess that means you won't be main eventing against the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS at the biggest show of the year, MegaBrawl 3! In other words, Kobe Gyant.

Styles: Axl is FUMING.

SW: Yeah. He just had icky girl parts near his face after all. Knowing Heidi, she probably wasn't wearing any panties.

KG: And Heidi, if you're in the mood for some kielbasa, and I know you must be starving for some since you're with Plants, after you get finished, come on over to La Resteraunte and we'll make it a threesome. And then REALLY make it a threesome.

[The camera pulls back. Kobe is with Tifa Witherspoon, Axl's agent!]

SW: Kobe likes hermaphrodites?

KG: Now, I know what you're thinking. Tifa's a hermy, right?

SW: Well, yeah.

KG: Let me assure all the Drunken Idiots that Tifa doesn't suffer from Chyna-syndrome. She is all woman south of the border, you know.

SW: I demand proof. Preferably in picture form.

Sarah: I'm still waiting for proof that you're human.

KG: Look, to be honest, I forget what the plan was here. All I know is I need to get my eat on. And speaking of food, do you smell Yam Juice?

[Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam is in the ring behind Axl. Axl turns around…]

Styles: Killing the Yams! Cover! One! Two! Three! HEGOTHIM!

NH: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner, Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam!

SW: Wow. He lost to a guy in seconds who didn't even Rant? He must've pissed off somebody in the office. I'd LOVE to see that PM exchange.

Sarah: I've got it.

SW: You do? How?

Sarah: Oh, I know people. Gimme a divorce and I'll let you read.

SW: Hmmm. Nah. Not interested. I know some day soon you'll cave in. I mean, let's face it baby, you've already got the lines around your eyes. And your lips.

Sarah: What? No I don't.

SW: Not to mention all the scar tissue.

Sarah: Hey! *Sniff* I need to run to the ladies room. Go to a break!

Hamster Girl

Styles: Hamster Girl just rolled in the ring. Sarah's leaving. What is Hamster Girl doing?

SW: Is she massaging Axl's crotch? What the hell? How do I get in on this action?

Styles: Stand up and spread your legs. I'll introduce you to my steel-toed announcing shoes. It'll be EXTREMEly painful, but she'll feel really bad for you.

SW: Bad enough for a "full release"?

Styles: Axl shoving Hamster Girl away.

HG: Feel better?

Axl: Get away from me, bitch!

HG: OK!

[Hamster Girl skips merrily back to her seat as Axl heads up the plank. Cut to Hamster Girl as a fan pours beer on her head. The Drunken Idiots laugh and high-five at their accomplishment.]

HG: Thanks, guys! I was getting kind of hot.

[Hamster Girl claps and jumps up and down in anticipation of…]

HG: Oooh, yay! Commercials!

Dr. Silaconne M. PlantsKid PirateDeath

[Inside the Entitites of Destruction's hotel suite, they're watching themselves watch themselves on a flatscreen TV.]

SMP: A-ha!

Death: What?

[SMP holds up a card and a bottle of amaretto.]

SMP: Chyna! It can't be a coincidence that she was mentioned in the last segment. She's my secret admirer. Joanie Laurer! And this note says she'll see me at Gluttons for Punishment 2!

Death: Really? She's the one who wants you to put your scalpel in her stink?

SMP: Who could possibly stink worse than Joanie Laurer?

The GreatPete "XFactor" TrableCyborg Angelina XSteve Studnuts

[Ballroom. As we return, "(I Can't Get No)" Satisfaction is playing.]

NH: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your tag team main event. The titles aren't on the line, but a main event match for Steve Studnuts against Trey Vincent at MegaBrawl III is. Introducing first, the obstacles. They are accompanied to the ring by Cyborg Angelina X. At a combined weight of 500 pounds, they are the reigning Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Champions, The Great and "XFactor" Pete Trable, the Amazin' Greats!

Sarah: I take offense at Heidi calling them obstacles. These guys are awesome! I love The Great. I have a standee of him at home. He's even gotten to third base with me, unlike Scotty.

SW: I'm so setting that thing on fire tonight!

Styles: Wow. Does anybody have a pencil I can borrow? Need to puncture my ear drums, stat.

Sarah: I've pictured getting married to The Great. Instead of rings, we pull out razorblades, cut our foreheads open, and headbutt each other so we're forever bonded by blood.

[Scotty and Styles push their chairs away from the suddenly psycho-stalkerish Sarah.]

Sarah: I LOVE YOU GREAT!

Great: I love you, too, baby!

Sarah: He loves me!

SW: Styles?

Styles: Yes, Scotty?

SW: I'm scared.

Styles: Me too, buddy. Me too…

["War" by Sick Puppies hits. ]

Sarah: I should tell The Great my house burned down and see if he'll let me crash at his place for, like, ever.

SW: Do you have a taser, Styles?

NH: Introducing first, from Phoenix, Arizona. He weighs 265 pounds, and is the former Grand Slam Champion, Steve Studnuts!

SW: He would've been a two-time Grand Slam Champion if not for Trey Vincent. That bastard. Wait, who the hell is the heel I should be rooting for in this feud?

Styles: I assume Studs will be. Especially after the next iMPLOSION. I mean…um…Studs is in phenomenal shape tonight.

SW: Wait, what did you just say about next week?

Styles: Nothing.

SW: Where's next show's script? Who leaked it?

Sarah: I would eat his underwear if he asked me to.

Styles + SW: WHAT?!

SW: Let's focus on sexier things, like Angelina's 200 strokes per minute offer. Splooge of the century time!

Styles: Studnuts is definitely mentally undressing the Cybabe with his eyes.

SW: Is that our version of Glamazon? It's pretty lame. The Sperminator?

Styles: Hopefully The Great can come up with something better that that.

SW: Wouldn't you like to "Inspect-Her Gadgets"? Go-go-gadget-poontang!

Styles: Well, some of us are waiting to see who Trey Vincent has brought in to tag with Studnuts. Who will it be.

[The 2-Cheap-2-Own TV lights up.]

Trey Vincent

TV: Hey, boys. One other thing I forgot to mention earlier when Trey Vincent was getting distracted by Kay Fabe's pubic spanking business. Next week, Trey Vincent, Executive Producer, will be bringing back one of the biggest icons in BOB history to help Trey Vincent draw names for the 19 and 20th editions of iMPLOSION! Four title matches, all chosen at random with the help of this iconic BOB figure. Tune in next week for my main event segment! Because I'm far more important than that little SMP and Death vs. Kobe and Joe Bananas match. OK, without any further ado!

SW: Isn't it further "adieu"?

Sarah: Sure. If you have an IQ of Scotty Whatbody.

Styles: WHO has Trey Vincent picked to be Steve Studnuts partner tonight!

Sarah: I'm hoping it's Guy in the Background During One of My Promos.

SW: Who?

NH: And his tag team partner…

["Not All Who Wander Are Lost" by DevilDriver hits.]

NH: Weighing in at 265 pounds, originally from Minneapolis, Minnesota. He is BOB's Executive Producer. Trey Vincent!

[Trey Vincent steps out in a "I'm With Roidy" T-shirt, with an arrow pointing to the left. TV gets a mixed reaction because it's not clear whether he's a heel or a face at this point.]

Styles: No way! Trey Vincent is Studnuts' partner?

SW: Oh, don't worry. Trey's such an egomaniac, he wouldn't let himself lose a match, I'm sure of it.

Sarah: This is BOB On-Demand main event quality right here. Mid-card television anywhere else, but definitely as big time as BOB gets.

SW: Oh, you're just being a bitch because Trey dumped you. This match is HUGE. As huge as Angelina's fake porno-worthy jugs.

[Once Trey is in the ring, he stands to Studnuts left, so the arrow on his T-shirt points at Studnuts. Studs just glares at Vincent for a few seconds before grabbing Trey's shirt by the collar and ripping it off, while spinning Trey around enough to make him fall to the mat.]

SW: That's how Studs gets all his bitches get naked. Well, at least the ones who wear T-shirts.

Styles: Studnuts and Vincent in a shoving match. This is absolute chaos and the match hasn't even begun yet. The Great charges at Vincent, and here we go! Vincent with a side headlock. Vicky manages to get Studnuts and Trable in their respective corners. The Great whips Vincent to the rope. Back elbow. Great tags to Trable.

SW: Wow, the Great is terrified of Trey apparently. Five seconds and he's already had enough?

Sarah: That was the most awesome elbow smash ever! Wow.

SW: Styles, make her stop.

Styles: I would if I could. Trable working on Vincent's arm here. Eye rake by Vincent, and that gets a good reaction from the newly rebranded Drunken Idiots here in Sin City. Vincent backs Trable into the iAd's corner, if we still can call them that. Vincent tags Studnuts. Trey trying to convince Studnuts to hit a double suplex with him. Here we go. Double suplex coming up–no! Oh man! Trey just walked away, and Pete nails a wide-open Studnuts right in the ribs!

Crowd: JERK-WEED! JERK-WEED! JERK-WEED!

Styles: And it sounds like Trey isn't very popular right now with the Drunken Idiots.

Sarah: Yay! Here comes the Great!

SW: Are you Sarah or Hamster Girl right now?

Sarah: What? The Great is my favorite wrestler. Sue me.

SW: Nah. I'll just drain your bank accounts and gamble it all away at the Riviera. We are married after all. That's what good husbands do.

Styles: It's like I'm in high school. You like her. She likes him. He's married to someone else. Can everyone please grow up already?

Sarah: Nice double suplex by Great and the other guy.

Styles: Pete?

Sarah: Sure.

Styles: Baseball Slide 2 by The Great on Studnuts who rolls out to the floor. Vincent heading over to check on his partner. I think.

TV: Wow, you really suck. You're getting beat up by some jabroney who talks in third person? Trey Vincent says that's SO lame.

Studs: You're a bigger *BEEP*in' fag than that *BEEP*er Axl! Hey, weren't you in the sWo, jerkweed?

Styles: INCOMING! OH MY GOD!

Sarah: Ahhhh!

Styles: Trable just hit a modified CD on The Great, sending him down onto both Studnuts and Vincent. What a move!

SW: Trey and The Great heading back inside. I thought Trable was the legal man?

Sarah: We want much mo' Great! He's so Great!

SW: Hey, aren't those some of The Great's past Rant titles?

Sarah: Yeah. Sadly, he hasn't written a Rant called "Coming for Sarah."

Styles: Can somebody bring out some ice for Sarah's groin?

Sarah: What did I say?

Styles: Vincent has Great up for a suplex…no! Drops him midsection first on the top rope. And there's a swinging neckbreaker. Cover! One! Two! And no!

Sarah: You know, if we were in TNA, we could settle this easily. Scotty Whatbody vs. The Great in a double pole match where The Great's wife is on one pole and you're on the other.

SW: Bring some lube for the top of the pole.

Sarah: Had to go there, didn't you?

SW: Yes!

Styles: Trey tags in Studnuts now. Studnuts grabs Trey! Death Valley (of the Sun) Driver–Trey escapes with an eye rake. He shoves Studnuts toward The Great. Small Package 1! One! Two! Studs just barely escapes. Studs grabs The Great. Back drop driver! Damn! One! Two! Trable breaks it up.

SW: Um, that wasn't Trable.

Styles: What? VINCENT broke up Studnuts pin? Are you kidding me?

SW: Been to the eye doctor lately?

Styles: It's just…I figured it HAD to be Trable saving The Great, but it was Vincent costing Studnuts the pin? Oh man. This is about to get violent here between Studnuts and Vincent.

Sarah: Wow. Only eight more months 'til they actually wrestle? Where has the time not gone.

Styles: Not if THIS keeps up. Vincent may end Studnuts chances right here tonight on iMPLOSION. Studnuts with a cheap shot to Trable on the apron. And Cyborg Angelina X catches him! And Studs motions to Angelina.

SW: A little knuckle shuffle. Maybe Studs will throw his OWN match if Angelina gives him a hand.

Sarah: Too much going on. Tree bad. Fire pretty.

Styles: Vincent just tossed Studnuts over the top rope to the floor! Fans, you'll see plenty of that at Gluttons for Punishment 2: Electric Boogaloo. Thirty men, women, inanimate objects, cyborgs, and various other oddities. Thirty weapons. Every title will be on the line, plus the the winner will become number one contender to whoever wins the big cage match between Kobe Gyant and ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS Dr. Silaconne M. Plants! Order now!

Sarah: Infomercial much?

SW: Have you seen his old late night gold coin infomercial?

Styles: That was JOEY, not me! And we don't even look alike!

Sarah: Vicky, get Trey off my man! No choking. Well, unless The Great likes it, and it's me doing the choking.

Styles: And Trey with a hot shot onto the top rope. Trey looking to hit the Cliffhanger here. No! Great lands elbows to the side of Vincent's skull. Clothesline 13 connects! Both men are down.

Sarah: Let's go Great! *Clap, clap, clapclapclap* Let's go Great!

Drunken Idiots: The Great sucks!

Sarah: Hey, they wrecked my chant with rudeness!

Hamster Girl

Hamster Girl: Let's go Great! *Muffled clap, clap, clapclapclap*

Drunken Idiots: The Great sucks!

Hamster Girl: Let's go Great! *Muffled clap, clap, clapclapclap*

Drunken Idiots: The Great sucks!

Styles: Dueling chants here. It's Hamster Girl vs. the rest of the heel-loving Sin City Drunken Idiots. The Great with a shot that sends Vincent flying into Studnuts. And referee Vicky Jean's calling that a tag. Great crawling for the tag to Trable, but here comes Studnuts. Death Valley (of the Sun) Driver! Great lands on his feet! There's the tag! Clothesline on Studnuts! Clothesline for Vincent! Hip toss for Studnuts. Hip toss for Vincent.

Sarah: I should go give the Great some "oxygen."

SW: You cheating whore!

Styles: Powerslam on Studnuts. One, two, Vincent falls onto Trable, breaking up the count.

TV: Hey! I'm not breaking up the count, Vicky! Count! I'm helping Great and Pete win!

VJ: You want Studs to get a cyborg hand job?

TV: Hey, Pete?

PT: Yo?

TV: If Trey Vincent makes sure you guys win, can Trey Vincent get the hand job?

PT: Sho?

TV: Sweet.

Styles: Vincent dragging up Studnuts. Shocking Conclusion by TV! No! Studs shoves Vincent away! But Trable with a spear on Studnuts! He couldn't block that. Trable pulls up Studnuts. CD coming up! No! Studs slips free. Vincent and Trable's heads collide! Studnuts takes down Trable. He's got a submission locked in! Arizona cloverleaf! Trable is locked in. Vicky checking to see if Pete is going to give it up.

Sarah: Trey just grabbed a chair!

SW: Oh man! Studs is wide open and he doesn't even realize it!

Styles: The Great is in. The Great steals the chair. DDT on the chair! COVER! ONE! TWO! THREE! HEGOTHIM!

Sarah: Wooo! I need a cigarette after that one!

SW: Isn't that the old "weapon special" from "SmackDown: Here Comes the Pain"?

NH: Ladies and gentlemen, here are your winner, The Great and Pete Trable!

Studs: The *BEEP*?

Styles: Studnuts drops the submission as he realizes that Trey has just been pinned.

[Studnuts extends his arms toward Vicky Jean in a WTF motion.]

Styles: Vicky trying to explain what happened.

[Kip up by Trey Vincent.]

SW: No-sell alert!

SMACK

SW: Whoa! Superkick! Nonono! Through the Roof on Studnuts on the chair! That fisherman brainbuster just took down Studnuts, who may be seriously hurt after that.

Sarah: Hey! Look over there!

Mr. FantasticMr. Fantastic

Styles: Oh no! We've got a Mr. Fantastic invasion! It's Cyborg Mr. Fantastic and Chocolate Mr. Fantastic! Along with Werewolf Mr. Fantastic, Midget Mr. Fantastic, who's wielding Paper Airplane Mr. Fantastic as a weapon, Surly Mr. Fantastic, and Stay Puft Marshmallow Mr. Fantastic! And they're all attacking The Great and Pete Trable!

SW: Stay-Puft Mr. Fantastic?

Sarah: Is there a Mr. Fantastic clone convention in town?

Styles: Fans, we're out of time. For Sarah and Scotty Whatbody, this is Mikey Styles. Join us in two weeks for a brand new iMPLOSION, and don't forget to send us money for Gluttons for Punishment 2, exclusively on BOB-On-Demand! Good night everybody!

Axl

[The camera opens to "La Resteraunte." The establishment is a fancy, exquisite dining building, with nicely dressed men and women sitting at nicely adorned tables. Suddenly, the front door swings open, and Axl storms inside. He rages toward the table where Kobe and Tifa were seated, but they are nowhere to be found. Axl finds nothing but a note, which reads:

"Axe - Just in case you show up, don't worry about me. Kobe's taking me home. He promised to show me his one eyed black python. I wonder if that's a rare breed...

- Tifa"

Axl sneers, before crumpling up the note. He mumbles under his breath.]

Axl: Kobe's pushing it... he's REALLY pushing it...

[Axl tosses the balled up note aside, before noticing another slip of paper on the table... Axl lifts the paper from the table, and looks it over... It's a check. With AXL's signature...]

Axl: What in the... this check has my signature on it... but how can that... And my CREDIT CARD number! How could Kobe have possibly...

[A waiter walks up to Axl, carrying a serving tray, covered by a silver lid. Axl turns to the waiter, holding the check in his hand.]

Axl: Hey, dude, you work here right?

Waiter: ... Oui?

Axl: I'd like a double cheeseburger with fries. Oh yeah, and a chocolate shake!

Waiter: Monsieur? I am quite sorry, but we do not carry zee cheese-burr-gair. All-zoh, ze fries of my country, le France, are tres magnifique!

Axl: You... don't have cheeseburgers?

Waiter: No.

Axl: ... NOW I'M PISSED!!!

[Axl immediately knocks the tray from the waiter's hands, clattering it to the restaurant floor. The lid rolls away, and upon the ground there falls a nicely prepared feast, perhaps meant for someone who would tip... nicely.]

Waiter: (staring at Axl with a grim expression) Zat... ees a cheque, vith your sig-neh-sure, oui?

Axl: Oui. ... I mean, yes.

Waiter: (looking the check over for a second) And... eet has zee name of La Resteraunte as le payee... oui?

Axl: Er... yeah?

Waiter: Ah... and eet ees for zee tay-bell right 'ere, no?

Axl: No. ... I mean, YES! Look, what is this, the inquisition?

[The waiter reaches for the check, but Axl prevents him from grabbing it.]

Axl: What exactly do you think you're doing?!

Waiter: Trying to geet zee cheque?

Axl: Dammit, I didn't sign this check!

Waiter: ... You didn't? You mean you didn't eat here?

Axl: No! My agent did... and her boyfriend. That bastard Kobe Gyant forged my name!

Waiter: Kobe... Gyant? ... Look mack, either you pay with the damn check -

Axl: Whoa, whoa, whoa... what happened to the "Oui"'s and "Le Monsieur"'s?

Waiter: The accent's for PAYING customers ONLY! So, ya bum, yuz can either pay with this here check... or you can pay through other means.

Axl: ... Other means?

Caption: One hour later...

[The camera opens to the kitchen of "La Resteraunte"... where Axl is wearing an apron, and a hairnet. After being stuck with the bill at the hands of Kobe Gyant, Axl is left washing the dishes... He scratches a rag against a plate, applying a lot of force... too much in fact... until he scrubs so much and so fast that the plate breaks under the pressure. Axl glares at the stack of dishes before him...]

Axl: Kobe... you are SOOO dead...

©2009 BOB Wrestling! Cross the Lame!

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
TREY VINCENT

 

© BOB Wrestling!

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