Caption: A Few Minutes Ago
[Outside of the Riviera Hotel, Hamster Girl and her manager Sammy Stoner were arriving via taxi. Hamster Girl stepped out and headed toward the trunk as Stoner took care of business with the driver. Smiling, Hamster Girl grabbed out a plastic bag full of tasty sugary sweets and the The You Gotta Be Kidding Me I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind T&A XX Division Hardcore Title. She slung the belt over her shoulder.]
Voice: Pardon me, ma'am. Could I please borrow the Hardcore Title for a moment?
[Hamster Girl turned around and came face to face with Death! Naturally, she smiled widely.]
Death: You are too damn cute.
HG: Wow, the Grim Reaper AND a magician? That’s multi-talentedism right there!
SS: Is that even a word? Uh, Hamster Girl, where's the title?
[Hamster Girl's cell phone rings. The ringtone features one of those gay happy teeny bopper bands I don't know the name of.]
Death: I have your title!
HG: I know, silly! I just leant it to you.
Death: … No, you don't understand. I HAVE YOUR TITLE!
HG: And a cool scythe. Can I borrow it?
Death: No you can't borrow it you bubbly-headed moron! Don't you get it? I. HAVE. YOUR. TITLE.
HG: You can just give it to me when we wrestle later.
Death: Let me put it another way. I've beltnapped your title!
HG: Why would you do that? Sammy! Death beltnapped The You Gotta Be Kidding Me I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind T&A XX Division Hardcore Title.
SS: How did that happen?
HG: I gave it to him. He asked so politely.
SS: Hamster Girl!
HG: That's me! Yay!
SS: Don't you know what this means?
Death: (Faintly screaming from the cell phone) Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
SS: Death? This is Sammy Stoner, Hamster Girl's manager. You're really going through with it, aren't you.
Death: That's right. We're going to have a match I like to call 6 Rounds. Tell Hamster Girl she's in for the worst day of her life.
SS: Explosions? Mindless car chases? Senseless death?
Death: Hey, I make lots of sense, pal! As for the other stuff, we didn't have the budget. Hell, we couldn't even afford a helicopter pilot for the sixth round if it even gets that far. Which, by the way I doubt! So, Stoner, explain to Hamster Girl that the hardcore title match has already begun. I'm forcing her into 6 Rounds of tedious puzzles and challenges, which I plotted on napkins just a few seconds ago, in the Riviera. She'll have to keep focus while the ticking clocks and crude consequences that accompany each one of these "rounds" do their best to derail her from rescuing her precious title before it's too late.
SS: Oh, she'll keep her focus.
[Sammy looks around.]
SS: Hamster Girl?
[Sammy sees her dancing with an Elvis impersonator.]
Death: Hamster Girl has already lost round one by being so trusting and losing her title to me. Round 2 starts now. She has exactly until the end of the opening Entities of Destruction segment to get inside the Riviera Hotel. Here's her clue. She doesn't have to get "fingerbanged" by this blue-haired freak, but if she really wants to know the meaning of "xxxtreme," she'll get closer to her belt by defeating this retard in a "tongue wrestling" death match. The time limit is 20. The ring? The elevator.
SS: That's the clue?
Death: That is the clue. If you can't figure it out, she loses. Now if you'll excuse me. Hey, CHAMP! Hey, Kid.
[Death hangs up. Stoner stands there, dumbfounded for a few seconds. Hamster Girl runs over and hugs Sammy.]
HG: Sin City rules!
SS: We have a clue to figure out if you're going to win this round.
HG: I LOVE clues!
SS: I'm shocked…
[Cut to pictures of bombs, falling buildings, black holes, and a graph of BOB's television ratings and buy rates. It's iMPLOSION time, kids. Cross the Lame! Inside the BOB Ballroom, a less-than-jam-packed group of Drunken Idiots has gathered to once again revel in the stupidity that is BOB. We're already in black-and-white film as Megadeth's "Symphony of Destruction" is playing.]
[Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, BOB's ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS steps out first, grinning crazily. Death is the next man out, with the newly stolen hardcore title over his right shoulder. Kid Pirate, BOB's Acting BigBOSS and the Swiss Army champion makes his way out last. The heel-loving crowd in Sin City gives the group a standing ovation as they make their entrance.]
Styles: Hello everyone, and welcome to Brawlers On a Budget's Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION on G5TV! I am Mikey Styles, and as usual, I'm joined by Scotty Whatbody and Sarah Whatbody.
Sarah: Not for much longer. It'll just be Sarah pretty soon.
SW: And it'll be nothing pretty soon after that when Jerri Li retires you from BOB forever! Hahahaha!
Sarah: Bitter much, lover?
SW: All the time. It's my gimmick.
Styles: Well fans, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants did it. And I'm sure he's no doubt coming out here to celebrate.
Sarah: He finally nailed Nurse Heidi?
Styles: No! I'm talking about him successfully retaining the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS in the March Mayhem 2009 tournament.
Sarah: Ah, good memories.
SW: You liked getting beaten up by all those Mr. Fantastic clones?
Sarah: I liked laying on The Great. Humina humina humina!
Styles: Fans, I understand next week we'll be compiling all the highlights that have been showing exclusively in BOB's Newz Zone into a special March Mayhem 2009 wrap-up show. So make sure to be back here next week in all it's unpixelated glory.
SW: Who are you kidding? There will still be pixilation. It's a good thing BigBOSS isn't around anymore, or he'd still be trying to pump out this show in analog!
[The film returns to color as the Entities of Destruction stand in center ring, ready to do their thing.]
Crowd: EOD! EOD! EOD! EOD!
SW: Where are the ring ropes?
Styles: The Flunky didn't set them up due to the upcoming Vietnamese Deathmatch.
Sarah: Oh yeah! We've got a barbed wire match on G5 for the first time ever!
Styles: And it may be the last time we ever appear on G5. It may just get us thrown off the air!
SMP: I am the greatest goddamn wrestler that ever lived. Or will live. GET IT? GOT IT? GOOD!
[Crowd roars in approval.]
SMP: Now, at Gluttons for Punishment 2, in a cage, some young punk by the name of Kobe Gyant…
[Drunken Idiots boo.]
SMP: Seems to think he's going to take this TITLE away from me. Funny, but didn't you just get pinned by a chick? The same chick who I easily pinned with a Medigree for the one, two, three?
Death: Sorry to butt in, but I've just gotta say…I'm still not over the whooping you gave ME in the finals, Doc. Toughest match of my career. Kobe doesn't even stand a chance!
Drunken Idiots: SMP! SMP! SMP! SMP!
SMP: So why don't you and your buddy stay home, stroking your little bananas on each other, instead of standing in front of the COUNT-LESS…..
Drunken Idiots: And COUNT-LESS…..
SMP: Most strategically placed, on-the-payroll insanely rabid fan base in the biz….my fans, "THE PLANTS." The fans of The SMOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooth OP-ER-A-TOR…S!………M!……….P! And if you don't believe that you're gonna J-O-B to S-M-P at G-F-P…
Drunken Idiots: JUST ASK ME!
["He Got Game" hits. The crowd boos as Kobe Gyant makes his way out onto the plank. A nearby sign reads: "Kobe Knocked Up My Wife!" Um, wow. Thanks for sharing?]
Drunken Idiots: You suck! You suck! You suck!
Kobe Gyant: No, no, no, that's what your wives and girlfriends do whenever I come around while you out, bitches!
KG: Yo, Plants. You talk a good game, but you ain't got game. I got game. Joe Bananas got game. You? You got erectile dysfunction, and I'm sure in just a couple days we'll be seeing you co-starring in TV commercials with Sally Field about bone loss. And you must have lost bone if all you want to do is high-five Nurse Heidi.
[Crowd boos louder. Plants looks mighty pissed in the ring. Death and Kid Pirate "hold him back." Gyant laughs at the reaction.]
KG: Shoot, if Heidi wants wood, she has to borrow Kid Pirate's peg leg!
[Crowd boos again. SMP shoves Kid Pirate.]
KP: (Off mic) It be jus' th' one time.
KG: Plants, just remember one last thing. At Gluttons for Punishment, the NCAA ain't gonna be booking our match, and Kobe Gyant ain't Pittsburgh. And I ain't gonna be trying no German Suplex Penetration Pin on you, although, if Heidi wants to run-in, I'd definitely consider it. You on the pill, Heidi?
SMP: Hey! Kobe, I have just one riddle for you. What has 13 fingers, one re-attached finger, and doesn't give a crap? Turn around for the answer.
SW: Viet Kong! It's Viet Kong!
Styles: The 6-8, 345-pound monster Viet Kong just unloaded the Rice Cannon on Kobe!
"Charlie": AH SOOKIE! HELLRO YOO STOOPID PEOPLE!
[Big pop from the Drunken Idiots.]
"Charlie": Rooks rike Amelicaw rewses awgain! Kong! Pwetend he Rehawna an' do yoor empawsonation of Cwees Bwown!
Styles: Somebody please cut his mic! Oh man! Meanwhile, Kong is choking the number-one contender!
Sarah: I want The Great! I want The Great!
SW: You want The Great to come save Kobe?
Sarah: No. Duh! I WANT him.
SW: Inside you? *BEEP*, I married such a whore.
Styles: It's Joe Bananas and his giant plastic banana to the rescue and to get some revenge on Viet Kong after what happened after the finals of the March Mayhem tournament.
Sarah: Say, guys? Where did that stack of flaming tables come from?
Styles: I, don't know…
Styles: OH MY GOD! Viet Kong just went through the flaming tables!
Crowd: HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP!
Styles: This crowd is on fire.
SW: And so is Viet Kong! It smells like burnt body hair.
[Cut to the ring.]
KP: I hope he's all starboard.
SMP: Yeah, that was a pretty nasty fall.
KP: That's nay what I mean. I paid th' lad's in advance!
Styles: Fans, stay tuned. Joe Bananas and Kobe Gyant will be facing Viet Kong and his tag team partner Jerri Li in just a few minutes! And believe me, you ain't seen nothing yet.
[Steve Studnuts is seen walking down a hallway of the Riviera. He stops at room 469. He knocks. Jerri Li opens the door of Fetish Freaks headquarters. She's wearing what looks like a cheese grater bra that has barbed wire for straps. Sexy!]
Studs: Where's Christian Sister Christian?
Jerri Li: Who?
Studs: Christian Saint Cage?
JL: Nobody here by that name.
Studs: The gat damn gimp! Christian St. Christian?
[Scatman walks to the door, wearing nothing but a feces-smeared birthday suit and a censored blur over his naughty bits.]
Scatman: I just got a voicemail from him. He's on the way. Wanna listen?
[Scatman holds out a dookie-stained cell phone toward Studs.]
Studs: I'll take your word for it. Tell the jerkweed that if he costs me the match, he's gonna take a ride on the Fairy-Go-Round, ya dig? Oh, heh, you missed a spot, jerkweed.
[Scatman looks up and down his feces-covered body as Studs walks away chuckling.]
Scatman: Where? *BEEP*!
Caption: 20th Floor
[Scene opens with a shoot of the elevator. A *bing* is heard as the elevator reaches this floor. After a couple seconds, the doors split open to reveal Hamster Girl French kissing XXXtreme Machine, while Sammy Stoner covers his eyes. At the sound of the doors, he grabs Hamster Girl and drags her out of the elevator.]
XM: i luv u humpstr glr!! c@l me u sexxxe btch!
[Mercifully, the doors shut.]
[On XXXtreme Machine's boner.]
SS: I would've puked, but that probably would've turned him on even more.
HG: I need some gum. His breath smelled like doodoo.
SS: It's for the greater good. You've GOT to successfully defend your hardcore title.
[Hamster Girl's cell phone rings.]
Death: Hello, Hamster Girl! I see that you successfully completed round two. Congratulations, we're now tied 1-1.
HG: (Bouncing up and down) Yay!
Death: Well, if you thought your breath smelled bad after Round 2, just wait until Round 3. So, I can kiss your tushy, huh? Well, Round 3 is all about kissing "tushy." Here's your clue. The ass you seek is brown, but it doesn't belong to Kobe Gyant or Joe Bananas. The room you seek in the Riviera shares an area code with Dallas. And your final clue about the room number is, "Francine BLANK says I just licked your ass."
[Death hangs up.]
HG: Google it!
SS: This isn't an iPhone.
HG: Oh, right. We need to find the business center. (She pushes a button for the elevator.) They probably have a free computer. I hope the site we find isn't NSFH.
HG: Not Safe For Hotels. This seems like such a high-class hotel. There are probably kids! We can't corrupt the kids, Sammy!
SS: We're in Sin City, Hamster Girl, not DisneyWorld.
[We cut to the announce desk.]
SW: You guys ready?
Sarah: For what?
SW: Well, as you guys know, on the next iMPLOSION, Axl's wrestling Jerri Li in a Great American Bash in Axl's Skull Match. So, in BOB's off-week, I went to Sinister City, Utah to train Axl.
Sarah: Really? That's what you're calling torturing him for your own amusement?
SW: Yep. And here's part one!
[The camera opens to pre-recorded footage, taped at McGreasyton's, a burger joint in downtown Sinister City, Utah. Axl is sitting at a table scarfing down a McArteryClogger. Scotty Whatbody walks up to Axl, holding a container of fries, picking them out one by one and stuffing them in his mouth. Scotty takes a seat, and offers up a fry to his newly aquired client.]
SW: I may not like you, but dammit if I don't get you in fighting shape!
Axl: Scotty, how in the HELL is all of this fast food going to "get me in shape"?
SW: I'm trying to toughen you up, right? Well, there's nothing tougher than a week old hamburger that's been lying around in a vat filled with beetle droppings!
Axl: ... Urp... I don't know if I want to finish this burger now... I was ALREADY getting sick... I think I'm about to lose my lunch... a whole MONTH'S worth...
SW: See, that's EXACTLY what I'm talking about, you nancy boy! You'll need a cast iron stomach when you're on the road to the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. And I'll be DAMNED if I don't deliver!
Axl: You act like you're the one doing the work! I'm the one going through this torture!
SW: Well Axl, this is just the BEGINNING of the torture you're going to have to go through if you ever want a crack at the strap! I may enjoy watching you suffer... and believe me, I do... but it's not just about the thrill of watching you endure pain. It will pay off in the end for BOTH of us when you're more of a man than you've ever been... which won't take much work, come to think about it...
SW: ... On second thought... I may need to clear a few appointments off my schedule. There goes my Tuesday hour of scoping the 'net for photoshopped nude pics of Taylor Swift...
[On the fourth floor of the Riviera, Hamster Girl and Sammy Stoner stepped off the elevator. Sammy quickly read the signs and pointed the way. After walking for a bit, they stopped at room 469. Sammy knocked. In a few moments, the door opened. Scatman stood inside, holding a life-sized picture of Axl near his crotch. Why? I don't even want to know…]
HG: Oh no! It's you!
Scatman: Hey, cutie. Sorry I made you cry the other day.
HG: Um, Mr. Scatman sir. I, uh.
[Scatman notices she's looking at the Axl poster.]
Scatman: Death told me you'd be coming here. The clue is on the back of this poster. Along with some corn. And some other things I ate last night.
HG: Sammy, I don't know if I can do this…
SS: You have to! You're the hardcore champion!
HG: Can't I just go eat some cherry pie instead?
SS: Not until you win this match. C'mon, Hamster Girl. I'll wash your mouth out with soap.
Scatman: I hope you brought your own.
[Hamster Girl and Sammy lean in to look into the bathroom, which is covered in brown, yellow, and red streaks.]
Scatman: For some reason, Christian brought brownies, lemonade and Kool-Aid and slipped on one of my *BEEP*prints (he says pointing at a brown smeared footprint on the floor).
SS: Ohhh. I just thought that was poo, urine, and blood. Silly me.
HG: OK, Sammy. I'm ready. Wish me luck!
SS: Um. Don't catch anything?
HG: Nice speech! I love you, too!
[Hamster Girl gets down on her knees as Scatman turns around. Sammy grabs the poster and hides the actual kiss.]
Scatman: Mind giving me a prostate exam while you're down there?
HG: Eww! No!
Scatman: No harm in asking.
[Hamster Girl wipes her brown lips on her furry pink hamster sleeve as she stands up.]
HG: What's the clue?
SS: You know. That isn't nearly a bad as smell as XXXtreme Machine.
HG: I know! I'm as shocked as you!
SS: Here, have some gum, anyway.
HG: Yay! Icy mint!
[The cell phone rings.]
Death: BWAHAHAHAHA! Oh, you stupid girl. You actually kissed Scatman's ass? Wow. That's a win for ME! I didn't actually think you'd do it! BWAHAHAHA!
HG: Aww! That's no fun!
Death: Death is up 2-1 now. Which means it's time for Round 4. Here's your next hint. There's always "room" for one more in the "Year" of Natural Fibres. April 8, "MMIX".
HG: Hmm. Scatman has lots of fiber. All over him, in fact. Is HE the clue?
HG: Wait, what was the point of the Axl poster.
Death: Um…Look to your left.
[She does. Scatman is humping the Axl poster.]
[Hamster Girl drops the poster. Scatman gets down on the floor and humps it more.]
Death: I had nothing to do with it.
[Cut back to the announcers. Scotty is smiling.]
SW: Scatman rules. But you know what else rules?
Sarah: Hurting Axl badly in the name of entertainment?
SW: You got it. Roll it, monkeys!
[The camera returns to Sinister City, Utah, where Scotty is holding a steel chair... Axl standing before him. They are both standing near a line to get into a movie theatre...]
SW: OK, Axl. This next test could be the most crucial. As you know, you're facing Jerri Li, and she has 10 chair shots at her disposal. You? Have nothing more than your skull to offer up as a target, and your ability to absorb the blows as your only defense.
Axl: So, uh... what's the test? Are you going to slam that chair into my cranium and see how many shots I can take before I go down? Because... I don't know if I'm exactly 100 percent supportive of that idea...
SW: No, that's not the test at all. ... I'M not going to smack you around with this chair.
Axl: Ahh, that's good to hear...
SW: No, I'm not going to... THESE guys are!
[Scotty waves over to the line to the theatre, and Axl looks in that direction... the camera pans over, and we find a few recognizable faces from past Axl rants: Uncle Sam Alabaster, the racist, sexist, homophobic car salesman; The UnderBaker, owner of Sinister City's local donut shop / morgue "Dunk 'N' Decay"; Doc Taco, Sinister City's ONLY doctor (not to say he's GOOD or anything, but hey, every lost patient is a new entree for the Doc's mexican resteraunt!); plus a few other citizens of the city that seem to be eyeing Axl in a peculiar way...]
Axl: You're telling me ALL of those people are here to bash my skull in with a chair? ... Can't they just have fun watching the movie?!
SW: It's a movie starring Fran Drescher and Paris Hilton. Do YOU think they can have fun watching it?
Axl: ... I'm screwed.
Caption: About 30 minutes later…
[Axl is laying, motionless, in a heap of blood, with a chair next to his head... the chair bent so much of out shape that it's nearly unrecognizable.]
SW: Sooo... on a scale of 1 to 10... how would you say you're feeling right now?
Axl: Uggh... Brain hurty...
SW: I'll take that as a "ten"... I just KNEW 100 chair shots was going a tiny bit overboard... Aw well, no harm, no foul.
Axl: ... Unghh...
Sammy Stoner: This must be it. The door's open.
[Sammy opens the door of Room 2009. Hamster Girl follows him inside. They look around the hotel room, frantically looking for a clue. That's when Hamster Girl spies a picture on the bed.]
Hamster Girl: They were here. Aww, look. He bound and gagged my title to keep it quiet!
[She holds up a picture of the title belt, with tape over its "face" and plastic ties around its straps. It was taken on the very bed they're standing next to.]
SS: We're dealing with a pro here, Hamster Girl.
HG: I know! He's so awesome at beltnapping. If we ever need to nap a belt, we should hire him!
SS: Will you focus!
HG: On what?
SS: Look for a clue.
[Hamster Girl flips over the picture.]
HG: Think this might be the clue?
Voice: HAIL JELLITER~!
HG: Did you hear that?
[Sammy and Hamster Girl turn around and see a plate of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Not just any peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. These were evil German peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Hamster Girl's phone rang.]
Death: Do you have a taste for…evil? Mwahahahaha!
[Death hands up.]
HG: Guess it's time to take my first bite of evil…
SS: Remember! There's a note in one of these sandwiches containing the final clue! That's what the back of the picture said.
HG: Right! Thanks for the reminder and advancing the plot! You're so helpful!
[We cut back to the ballroom.]
NH: The following is a Vietnamese Deathmatch! The ropes have been replaced with barbedwire, submissions count only and the match can only be won when both members of a team have been eliminated!
[“He Got Game” by Public Enemy plays.]
NH: Introducing first, weighing in at a combined weight of 480 lbs… Gyant Bananas!
Styles: Joe and Kobe showing their American pride coming out in red, white and blue wrestling attire tonight.
Sarah: I love black men in tights. Hey Kobe, get over here!
[Kobe Gyant suddenly appears at the announce desk.]
SW: Whoa, how’d he get here so fast?
KG: I’m the fastest man on the planet, son. I can backflip with such quickness you’d swear I had just stood there.
Styles: Kobe, what are your thoughts on competing in a match that involves barbed wire?
KG: I’m the king of the barbed wire match. I floss with the stuff, just to get some of those tough to reach spots. Man, I’ll wrap these two Asian suckas up in that barbed wire and roll them out like a red carpet for me to walk on.
Sarah: I hope you win Kobe!
KG: Thanks sugar pie, you lookin’ saucy tonight.
[In the blink of an eye Kobe joins Joe in the ring, who is smoking a hash joint before the match begins.]
[“Charlie’s Angels Theme” by Vietallica plays.]
NH: And their opponents, being accompanied to the ring by Charlie! Weighing in at a combined weight of 469 lbs… Jerri Li & Viet Kong!
SW: Jerri and Kong are 469? Now that's a disgusting visual.
Styles: Perhaps beauty and the beast personified.
Sarah: I’d ask which way round that was if Kong wasn’t a 300+ lbs warthog.
SW: I’m still not sure which of the two is the hairiest.
Styles: Jerri Li and Joe Bananas set to start this extreme tag match off. Collar and elbow tie up. Jerri pulls back and goes for a spinning backfist but Joe ducks underneath. They step away from each other and circle around the ring. Second collar and elbow. Joe with a headlock gets pushed towards the barbed wire but puts the breaks on just in time.
SW: We want blood! We want blood! We want blood!
Styles: Speak for yourself, this is plain sickening.
SW: I want blood! I want blood! I want blood!
Sarah: I’ll bust your nose if it makes you happy.
Styles: Joe turns around into an elbow to the face. Headlock takedown countered with a leg scissors hold around the neck. Jerri kicks her legs out and breaks free. Both competitors back on their feet simultaneously. Arm drag by Joe. Another headlock takedown by Jerri. Another leg scissors hold. Jerri rolls backwards out of it and goes to drop the elbow but Joe rolls out of the way. Dropkick to the face by Joe!
Sarah: Joe’s pretty technical; even I’ve had problems with Jerri on the mat.
SW: It’s not about technique! It’s about barbed wire!!
Sarah: Jesus Scotty, I asked for the news not the weather.
Styles: Joe makes the tag to Kobe who climbs in through the barbed wire ropes and goes straight to work on Jerri, hammering away in rapid succession with forearms to the back of the neck. He throws her arm over his shoulder and lifts her up for a suplex. Holds her up there in the air, making all the blood flow to the brain, before bringing her down hard onto the canvas.
Sarah: Nice move.
SW: I want the blood flowing OUT of her brain, not to it!
Sarah: Wow, talk about a gore hound.
Styles: Kobe with a mafia kick as Jerri gets back up, but doesn’t knock her down. Tries for another but Jerri catches it between her hands. Kobe hops around on the other foot to face her before smacking her in the back of the head with an enzuigiri. Tags Joe back in.
SW: Pfft, they have to work together to fight a woman?
Sarah: Yeah, like she isn’t the most dangerous one in this match.
Styles: Kobe holds Jerri up as Joe drives a stiff knee into the side of her head.
SW: If they had both done that I could have called it the DP knee.
Styles: Joe lays an arm out and drops a series of knees onto it. Brings her up to her feet with the same arm before landing a single arm DDT. He keeps hold of the arm and locks in a fujiwara.
SW: Don’t Fujiwara make cameras?
Sarah: Got me on that one.
Styles: What the hell? Charlie is using wire cutters on the barbed wire! He pulls off a piece and throws it in to Jerri.
Styles: Wraps it round the hand of her free arm and punches blindly over the back of her shoulder at Joe. Only phases him, but as he releases some of the tension on the hold Jerri stuffs the barbed wire into her mouth and bites down on his forearm.
Sarah: Took a page out of Kobe’s book there.
Styles: Joe stumbles to his corner, clutching at his arm, and tags Kobe in.
KG: Hey, give me them wirecutters!
Charlie: Yoo no get! Yoo sucky rong time!
[Kobe teleports next to Charlie.]
Styles: Kobe teleports back into the ring with the wirecutters, but not in time as Jerri tags Viet Kong after crawling to her corner on hands and knees.
Sarah: Oh no, Kobe!
Styles: He’s dirty and stinky, he’s got arms the size of maples and he has a hostile look in his eyes. Kobe smiles as the mammoth Viet Kong climbs in over the top rope. Kobe dances on the spot before driving those wirecutters square into Kong’s head. Doesn’t even react.
KG: Oh shiznit.
Styles: Kong levels him with a running bell clap!
SW: That was worse than the basketball scene in "Along Came Polly." Nobody remember that?
Sarah: I do! I love Jennifer Aniston!
Styles: Kobe stands up, wiping sweat and chunks of hair off his face.
KG: Ever hear of a powershower? Or shears?
Styles: Kong lifts Kobe up for an inverted atomic drop and plants him crotch first onto the barbedwire ropes! Oh… my God.
Sarah: Where’s Hamster Girl when you need her?
SW: Why don’t you go up there and rub his crotch?
Sarah: With THAT in the ring?!
[Viet Kong flexes his muscles and yells at the top of his lungs like a gorilla, all the veins in his arms and neck popping out.]
Sarah: See? He’s a freaking psychopath!
Styles: Kobe has no choice but to crawl towards Joe and make the tag.
Sarah: Somebody get the poor man an ice pack!
Styles: Joe yells out as he charges at Kong but gets chopped across the chest so hard he lands on the back of his neck. Kong lifts him up with ease and without even whipping him to the ropes throws him over his shoulders with a big back body drop. He turns and brings the sole of his boot down with authority on Joe’s chest. Boy, that’ll knock the wind out of ya. He roars like a caged animal before jumping into the air and dropping the knee down hard into Joe’s heart!
JL: Tag me!
Styles: Jerri calling for the tag. Viet Kong looks at her for a few seconds before dragging Joe to his feet. Big knee lift to the face! He spins him round and locks in the Full Metal Strait Jacket! Joe taps!
NH: Ladies and gentlemen, Joe Bananas has been eliminated!
Sarah: Poor Joe.
Styles: Kong tosses Joe to the outside like a ragdoll before tagging Jerri in. She charges at Kobe and pounces on him, wrapping her legs around his waist and clawing at his eyes. Kobe tucks his chin in and drops backwards, landing Jerri on the barbed wire!
[The camera moves in for a closer look.]
Styles: Oh my God, her hair is tangled up in the barbs and… she’s smiling!
[She does a ‘devil horns’ sign with her hand.]
SW: Oh that’s so hot.
Styles: She’s licking the barbed wire! She turns around to face Kobe, blood pouring from her mouth, and kisses him! She’s got her hands on either side of his head and is practically trying to pull his fillings out with her tongue!
SW: I guess she wanted to exchange bodily fluids with him.
Sarah: Don't make me puke. Kthankx.
Styles: Jerri steps back and spits red mist in Kobe’s face. Kobe drops her with an STO before soccer kicking her in the temple. He picks up those wirecutters and digs in to her forehead! He discards them and starts dancing around the ring before dropping an elbow.
Sarah: He’s such a good dancer.
Styles: He sticks Jerri’s head between his legs, taking a moment to taunt to the crowd, before lifting her up for a powerbomb. Jerri wedges her thumbs into his eyes and drops down on his face. She quickly hooks his arm and spins him round into a triangle choke. Kobe deadlifts her up and running powerbombs her into the barbed wire ropes, which buckle on impact and both competitors go tumbling to the floor!
[Charlie runs up and gets some cheap shots in on Kobe.]
Styles: Kobe struggles to his feet, having to both untangle himself and fight off Charlie. When he is finally free from the wire he grabs Charlie by the head and Slam Dunks him into the ring post!
SW: He probably knocked his rabbit teeth out.
Styles: Kobe untangles Jerri and rolls her back into the ring. She is dazed but manages to get to her feet. Kobe shows no signs of letting up though and knocks her back down with a sweep kick at the ankles followed by a standing shooting star press. He then twists her arms and legs around in so many ways I can’t even describe it, putting her in an impossibly complicated submission hold. Jerri has no way of getting out and verbally submits!
NH: Ladies and gentlemen, Jerri Li has been eliminated!
SW: What was that?
Styles: I have no idea. Well, we’re down to the last two. Kong is in the ring and knocks Kobe back with a one two combo. Hooks the side of his head with a forearm shot and knocks him down with a stiff palm to the nose. Kobe is in a world of trouble here.
SW: He’s in shock.
Styles: Kobe scoots backwards on his butt whilst doing the time out sign. Kong lifts him up and brings him crashing down to the mat with a sidewalk slam.
[Kong roars at the crowd.]
Styles: With his back turned he doesn’t see Joe Bananas hand Kobe a singapore cane. Kobe gets to his feet and starts whacking the back of Kong’s leg! He keeps swinging the cane repeatedly until Kong falls down to one knee. Kobe locks in the Full Metal Strait Jacket! That’s Kong’s move! Kong stands up with Kobe on his back and reverses full force into the turnbuckles.
Styles: He takes a step forward to recover while Kobe sits on the top turnbuckle using the wirecutters. He wraps barbed wire around his arms and chest before leaping through the air onto Kong’s back and reapplying the Full Metal Strait Jacket! Kong falls to his knees, then down on his stomach and finally taps out! He did it! Kobe beat him!
NH: Here are your winners… Gyant Bananas!
Styles: What a match. Fans, let's go check in on Hamster Girl's progress.
[Closeup of a smiling Hamster Girl, who's face is covered in peanut butter and jelly smears.]
Hamster Girl: I think I'm going to hurl.
Sammy Stoner: But at least you found the note!
[Hamster Girl falls backward onto the bed.]
HG: I can feel the evil crawling inside of me.
SS: But we're up 3-2 now, with one round left! Here's our final clue. (Reading) Hopefully peanut butter doesn't stick to the "roof" of your mouth. Otherwise, you'll never find me. Hamster Girl probably isn't feeling too good, so you might want to bring an "air" sick bag. Wait a minute! I just remembered something.
SS: Death said something about how BOB couldn't afford a helicopter pilot for the sixth round…Helicopter. Air. Roof. Hamster Girl. We're going to the roof. And I have an idea.
HG: Does it involve us jumping into a pool while a helicopter goes wildly out of control before crashing?
HG: OK. Then I'm game. Help me up.
[The camera opens to Sinister City one last time, this time for us to view a montage of Scotty's continued training for Axl...]
[Scotty has Axl walk over hot rocks, with Axl shouting in agony the whole way through...]
[Scotty has Axl walk over broken glass and thumbtacks... Axl shouting in agony, again, as he makes his way across.]
[Scotty has Axl walk over pudding... when a hot blonde chick runs in and begins tussling with him, rolling around in the pudding... Mikey Styles is heard somewhere in the distance calling "CATFIGHT! CATFIIIGHHHT!!!"]
[A shot of a gym, where Axl battles with a roided up bodybuilder type, who crushes Axl's head beneath his mighty strength...]
[A shot of the same gym, where Axl steals the bodybuilder's needle, tricking him into being caught in a schoolboy roll up.]
[Axl goes through an obstacle course... over tires, up a wall, climbing across bars...]
[Axl finally makes it to the end of the obstacle course, where he is forced to watch "One Night in Chyna" without gagging. Perhaps the toughest challenge of them all...]
[Finally, Axl is panting and catching his breath, sitting on a park bench. Scotty stands, with one foot on top of the bench, as he stretches a bit.]
Axl: *pant, pant* Scotty... *sigh* ... I can't BELIEVE I agreed to do this!
SW: But do you feel tougher? Do you feel STRONGER?! DO YOU FEEL LIKE A MAN?!?!
Axl: ... I guess? But mostly I feel like I'm about to disintegrate from the glass and tacks and running and jumping and chair shots and... and DISGUSTING fast food! ... And I feel like clawing my eyes out after watching Chyna in the nude... I definitely could have gone without that.
SW: Well, I guess you're not as gay as I thought. Otherwise, you'd be all over that. :P
Axl: Yeah, yeah... *sigh* Well, I'm glad you took the time out to put in a full day's worth of torturing me and all... but I honestly feel like crap right now, so I think if you don't mind-
SW: AXL! That's EXACTLY the point! You're going to HAVE to feel like crap in the ring if you want to outlast the competition! You know why? Because only then will you be TOUGH ENOUGH!
Axl: Like the WWE reality show? ... You sure that's a GOOD thing?
SW: Of COURSE. And this is still only the beginning! I'm going to ravage your body until you're used to the pain! I'm going to destroy your body, crush your spirit, and REBUILD you! Because it's time that Axl became a new man! ... Or atleast a man PERIOD!
Axl: Ugghh... Just promise me one thing.
Axl: NO MORE NAKED JOANIE LAURER.
SW: ... Deal.
[We cut back to the Ballroom, where “Pokemolesting Dead Hamsters” by Execution is playing. Christian St. Christian walks out to the ring carrying a chain and wearing a black latex catsuit.]
NH: The following contest is your main event! It's set for one fall and is for the Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team Titles! Introducing first, the challengers. Now entering the ring, from Parts Unknown, he weighs 222 pounds, and represents the Fetish Freaks, Christian St. Christian!
SW: One half of BOB's newest tag team, Crushed 'Nuts. Bwahahaha!
Sarah: I think that name will stick. Especially if they win the titles tonight.
Styles: Interesting tag team combo. This match was drawn out of a hat two weeks ago by Kid Pirate at random.
["War" by Sick Puppies hits. The crowd noticeably pops.]
NH: And his partner, from Phoenix, Arizona, he weighs 262 pounds, Steve Studnuts!
Sarah: So, do you think Axl is ready for Jerri Li next week, Scotty?
SW: He better be. Do you know how much porn surfing I gave up to get him in shape?
Styles: Fans, next week's show is loaded. Kobe Gyant challenges Kid Pirate for the Swiss Army Belt. Jerri Li vs. Axl. And in the main event, Sarah challenges Dr. Silaconne M. Plants.
SW: Isn't there some rule about chicks not being allowed to win the title?
Sarah: I'm sure Michelle would give me a waiver.
SW: Michelle? The girl you pooped on at October Surprise?
Sarah: Oooh, forgot about that. Kid Pirate won't. Well, I guess I could beg Trey.
SW: That would just throw all the booking off for Gluttons for Punishment 2. I smell a non-finish.
["(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" by Rolling Stones hits. The crowd erupts in boos as the tag champs step out.]
NH: And their opponents. From St. Louis, Missouri, at a combined weight of 500 pounds, they are the reigning and defending Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team Champions, "XFactor" Pete Trable and The Great!
Styles: Well, they're getting a standing ovation from one person in the Ballroom, anyway.
Sarah: They? Wrong pronoun, Styles.
Styles: Of course. And fans, I understand we'll be going up to the roof as soon as this match is over for the sixth round of Death vs. Hamster Girl, so stay tuned for that.
SW: Please cut away if Sarah rushes the ring and starts dry humping The Great. Hey, Sarah, why don't you throw your panties at The Great?
Sarah: Hello? Wearing them.
SW: So? Take 'em off. We don't mind, do we Styles?
Styles: And I'm sure you have your cell phone ready to capture the picture, don't you?
SW: Who? Me? ME?
Styles: Studnuts and The Great are going to start this unique match off.
SW: Is unique a code word for sucky?
Styles: We'll find out soon enough, won't we? Studnuts backs The Great to the corner and is unloading!
Sarah: The fans love it, but I don't! C'mon, Vicky! Oh right, Vicky's a whore for Studnuts. She helped beat up Trey Vincent on iMPLOSION 18. This match is so rigged against The Great.
SW: (Whispering) Pssst. Sarah! It's fake! Don't take it so serious! Seriously!
Styles: Grapple Elbow Strike 1 by The Great! Cover, but only gets a one count on Studnuts. The Great's learned a lot of useful moves from those WWE video games. Tag to Trable. Low Blow and Knee Attack Combo! Cover! One! Two! NO! Studnuts kicks out.
SW: So I hear you're going out for drinks with Trey and The Great after the show?
Sarah: Huh? No! That's a lie. The Great is married. And so am I technically. There's some commandment about that, isn't there?
SW: So that Judaism's really working out for you then?
Sarah: Bite me.
SW: Name the spot, baby!
Styles: Trable with a powerslam on Studnuts! Modified dropkick by Trable.
SW: Modified? That was ass ugly, Styles. Studnuts must still be a little loopy from that chloroform attack by Trey Vincent at March Mayhem.
Styles: Could be. Studnuts has Trable. Spinebuster. And now, yes! A Camel Toe Clutch by Studnuts! He's looking for the submission here.
SW: Camel Toe Clutch? Bwahahaha!
Styles: Studnuts drops the submission and tags in Christian St. Christian for his first action. Studnuts has Trable's legs, and Christian delivers a double stomp to Trable's midsection!
SW: Warning, may cause projectile vomiting. Kids, don't try this at home. Especially if you've just eaten Mentos and drank a bunch of soda.
Sarah: Quit corrupting our young viewers.
SW: You did see that Vietnamese Deathmatch, right?
Styles: Great breaks up the count at two. Trable and The Great have been, well, great since Trable essentially bought the titles. And even before that. This may be the best tag team we've seen in BOB in some time.
Sarah: And what a hot ass. Hottest ass in the business right there. Mmm mmm.
SW: Can we cut her mic? She's gonna electrocute herself drooling over The Great like that.
Styles: Christian hammering Trable in the corner now with punches and kicks. Trable with an elbow strike. He dives for the tag, but Christian's got him by the shoe.
Sarah: And now he just has his shoe.
Styles: Great gets the tag. Clothesline 23.
SW: Are you sure that wasn't Clothesline 22?
Styles: Positive! Ultimate Knee Attack! Twist of Great? No! Christian shoves him to the Crushed 'Nuts corner. Tag to Studnuts. They're looking for a double suplex here, I think!
SW: The hell did Christian just do?
Styles: Parts Unkown leg sweep on Studnuts from the middle rope? What is this all about? And The Great is smiling? What's going on here? Kick by Christian and…Emerald Fusion by Christian on Studnuts! OH MY GOD!
Sarah: That was emerald fusion. That was Coming Down!
SW: Oh no! You're right!
["Christian" takes off his mask.]
SW: It's Trey Vincent! BOB's Executive Producer!
[The crowd boos this development.]
Styles: OH my GOD! Trey swerved us all. This is payback for that Medium-Sized Bucket assault.
[Trey and The Great shake hands. Trey motions for The Great to finish off Studnuts. The Great hops off the turnbuckle and drags up Studnuts.]
Sarah: TWIST OF GREAT! WOOHOO! ONE! TWO! THREE! YES!
Styles: What a shocking turn of events here on iMPLOSION!
SW: Vincent's back in the ring. NO!
Styles: Shocking Conclusion on Vicky Jean! OH NO!
SW: You bastard!
Styles: And now Trey's ripping off her referee shirt!
SW: Did I say bastard? I meant, woohoo!
Styles: And look at all the cameras flashing in the crowd.
SW: You're looking at the CROWD? Look at her jugs you homo!
Sarah: I better go see if The Great needs any, uh, oxygen? He looks a little winded.
SW: Speaking of wind, are you gonna blow him?
Styles: Drunken Idiots, we've got something happening on the roof! Let's see what's happening!
[We cut to the roof.]
Death: IT'S REAL SIMPLE, HAMSTER GIRL! LAST ENTITY NOT THROWN OUT OF A HELICOPTER MATCH!
Hamster Girl: Why are you yelling? The helicopter isn't even on.
Death: Oh, right. Let's see what the "Hardcore" Hamster's got.
[Hamster Girl starts toward the helicopter, but a steel chair to her back stops her progress.]
Styles: Sonofabitch! It's the EOD! Plants just nailed Hamster Girl with Steel Chair.
SW: I hope it's not domestic abuse awareness month, or we're so screwed.
Styles: Pirate and SMP stomping on Hamster Girl.
[Kobe Gyant and Joe Bananas rush in with Red Chair and Black Chair.]
SW: No! Damnit!
Styles: Red Chair just chairshotted Steel Chair! I can't believe Red Chair and Black Chair are with Kobe Gyant after the wars they waged against each other last year! Gyant Bananas and the EOD are now brawling on the roof. Hamster Girl's limping toward the helicopter to confront Death. She's in! It's the sixth and final round. Death charges toward Hamster Girl and…trips?
SW: Oh no! He fell out of the helicopter!
[Sammy Stoner steps out from inside the helicopter, smiling. He hands the hardcore title to Hamster Girl.]
Death: Oh, you're soooo dead, Stoner.
SS: What can I say? I'm good at tripping. It's just, usually, there are drugs involved instead of my foot.
HG: Yay! I won! I'm hardcore! I'm hardcore! Go me! It's my birthday!
©2009 BOB Wrestling! Cross the Lame!
Styles: Fans, for Sarah Whatbody and Scotty Whatbody, this is Styles saying, good night everybody!