[Cold open on ring announcer Nurse Heidi, who is in the middle of the ring.]
Nurse Heidi: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION!
[Some indifferent applause from the Drunken Idiots.]
NH: This opening contest is set for one fall, and is the Great American Bash In Axl's Skull Match!
[Drunken Idiots pop. "You Know You're Right" by Nirvana hits, making most of the crowd boo for Axl's arrival.]
Styles: Hello everyone, and welcome to Brawlers On a Budget wrestling! I'm Mikey Styles, and I'm joined tonight once again by Scotty Whatbody.
SW: Here comes the future of BOB. My protégé Axl.
Styles: I can't believe you said that with a mostly straight face.
SW: I'm a bit shocked myself.
Styles: Tonight, you will see Dr. Silaconne M. Plants defend the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS against former OWCTM Sarah, and Kobe Gyant will challenge Kid Pirate for the Swiss Army Belt!
NH: Introducing first, he's from Sinister City, Utah, and weighs in at 202 pounds. This is Axl!
Styles: And put a big bloody V up on the screens, because this one is going to be perhaps the most hardcore match in BOB history.
SW: Are you trying to make Kamikazie Ken and Insano Mano roll over in the graves?
Styles: They aren't dead!
SW: Fine, roll over in their hospital beds, then.
Styles: This match won't be any of that family entertainment garbage you get from Stamford, Drunken Idiots.
SW: Yeah, this will be more like that hardcore garbage you get from Japan.
["Holy Wars" by Megadeth comes on next, making the Drunken Idiots pop.]
[Jerri Li steps out, followed by Viet Kong who is acting as her caddy tonight. He has an extra large golf bag over his shoulder. But instead of golf clubs sticking out of the top, chair legs are sticking out the opening.]
NH: And his opponent. She hails from Intercourse, Pennsylvania, and weighs 123 pounds, Jerri Li!
Styles: This is the first meeting of Jerri and Axl, and it's an intriguing one. No pinfalls, no submissions, no countouts, no DQs. Simply, Jerri Li has been given 10 chair shots. If Axl can remain conscious, he's halfway to victory. If Axl falls down, and I'm pretty sure he will, he will be given a count of 10 to get back up. If he fails to get back up at any point, he loses. If, by the end of the chair shots, Axl somehow is on his feet, Axl wins.
SW: That slut Tifa claims she came up with this idea to punish Axl. B.S. I came up with this idea to toughen him up.
Styles: You know, I checked with Michelle…
SW: She's a compulsive liar. You can't believe anything SHE says either!
Styles: What about Kid Pirate?
SW: His brain is made of peg.
Styles: So, you're saying the entire booking committee is conspiring to take credit for your idea?
SW: Exactly! I'm a genius.
Styles: You're obsessed with T&A.
SW: OK, I'm an easily distracted genius.
"Charlie": Helro yoo stoopid peepole!
Styles: "Charlie" is here, Scotty.
"Charlie": Jelli Ri gawn may-ke Asole dookie! Ah sookie!
"Charlie": Sat wite!
Styles: If there are children in the room, get them out now.
SW: They have to get desensitized to the violence some time. "Charlie" why don't you go punch a rabbit to really mess with the kids. Maybe you could knock some of its teeth out and stick 'em in your head.
"Charlie": Hawr hawr hawr. Yoo bewy funee mayn. Funee rooking.
Styles: Kong's digging around in that chair bag for chair number one. I'm surprised Axl isn't on his knees.
"Charlie" Jelli ah gilr. Asole don git awn knees wiss women. Onree meyn!
SW: Hey! He's reformed.
Styles: He is?
SW: Sure. I think. Mostly. Well, at least he's looking at videos of lesbians now.
"Charlie": Reshbeeuns keyn sookie deez nuts, sookie mee deengdong an ricky mee bunghow.
Styles: Will you settle down? Jerri's kicking things off with a steel chair. Vicky Jean telling Axl to get to the middle of the ring.
[Cut backstage, where Axl's former agent Tifa Witherspoon is watching the show with her new love interest, Kobe Gyant. Kobe is eating taffy. Back to ringside.]
"Charlie": Daym bracks an sere taffee!
SW: Oh man, I forgot how much you people hate blacks.
"Charlie": Dey theeves an shupriftas!
SW: Are you running a convenience store or something?
SW: Whoa! Was that a gun shot?
Styles: That was chair shot number one. Axl is stunned, but remains standing.
SW: Uh boy. This is going to be a long night. Luckily for me, it isn't mine!
Styles: Viet Kong's got chair number two. Are you kidding me? Jerri has duct taped TWO CHAIRS together?
VJ: I'll allow it.
[Axl flips Vicky off. Then he flips Jerri off!]
Drunken Idiots: Ohhhhh!
Styles: OH MY GOD! Axl is staggered. He's got those legs spread wide, trying to maintain his balance. And yes! He's still on his feet!
SW: See? All my training wasn't just for my amusement.
Styles: Right. Just most of it.
SW: I made his skull harder.
"Charlie": An prolly he peepee!
SW: I'm pretty sure I can kick your ass, "Charlie."
"Charlie": An mee soor Biet Kong ken keeck yoors.
Styles: Jerri is out on the floor. She's looking in the plunder hatch. Oh my GOD!
SW: That can't be legal!
"Charlie": Dat velee regal!
[Jerri tosses a chair into the ring. The table has a chair duct taped to it.]
SW: Oh come on! She can barely even lift it.
Styles: Kong's helping her with it. Oh NO!
Styles: Axl's down! Axl's down!
SW: Dees ees bowlsheet!
"Charlie": Hey! Yoo no steelie me gimmick, stoopidhead!
Styles: Scotty, there are no DQs.
VJ: One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Seven!
SW: Phew! He's back up.
Styles: Jerri can't believe it. She's heading back to the plunder hatch. Are you kidding me?
SW: She's taped a ladder and a chair together now?
"Charlie": Mee rikee dees match. Dees es awlsorm! *Crap, crap, crapcrapcrap*
SW: Crap! BWAHAHAHA!
Styles: Aww, Action Asterisk Guy...
*Me so solly*
Styles: Will you stop?
"Charlie" Eet not "crap." Eet "crap"! "CRAP"!
SW: BWAHAHAHA! Eat crap! Ahahahaha! *Falls over*
Styles: Scotty, please get a hold of yourself.
"Charlie" Rut mee say-ee?
Styles: Oh, man! Scotty, Axl just got blasted with that ladder chair. You've got to give Axl credit for standing there and taking chair shot after chair shot. Most men would stay down, but Axl is once again fighting to get back up.
VJ: THREE! FOUR! FIVE! SIX! SEVEN! EIGHT!
"Charlie": Asole velee velee stoopid. Yoo stayee down! Jelli keeck yoo stoopid ass.
Styles: Jerri's requesting something from her caddy Viet Kong. And here comes chair number five. Is that a cheese grater chair?
SW: Oh man. Haven't laughed that hard in a while. How's my boy doing?
SW: Ah, that good, huh?
Styles: Oh man. Axl is bleeding like a stuck pig.
SW: Hey, don't insult "Charlie's" mom like that.
"Charlie": Fawk yoo, Scootee. Me hab Biet Kong chokesram yoo soo badlee yoo neva reave Shin Shitty!
VJ: FOUR! FIVE! SIX! SEVEN! EIGHT!
Styles: Axl, now wearing the crimson mask, pulls himself up using the ropes this time. Jerri showing no mercy here, looking for the sixth chair. And Kong pulls it out. Oh no. A steel chair wrapped in barbed wire!
SW: At the rate this is going, Axl will be able to apply as a commentator for the announce team. I see a lot of "Yurs" in his future.
Styles: And Axl collapses yet again from a SIXTH chair shot.
SW: I told him to milk these counts for all they're worth, Styles. He's fine. He's just playing mind games with Jerri at this point.
Crowd: JERRI! JERRI! JERRI! JERRI!
VJ: ONE! TWO!
Axl: Unnnghhhh…pierced girl…broke my brain. The walls are bleeding. Zeee!
SW: That isn't the walls. It's your head! Get up!
VJ: FOUR! FIVE!
"Charlie": Jelli! Git dee rightah fruid!
Styles: What did you just say?
"Charlie": Eef dat stoopid Asole git up, he gonn git ah framing chaw shut!
VJ: EIGHT! NINE!
Styles: Axl's up! But just barely.
Styles: Oh nonononononono!
Styles: FLAMING CHAIR SHOT! OHMYGOD!
"Charlie": Asole awn filah. Riterarry.
[The Flunky sprays Axl with a fire extinguisher, then Jerri and the chair. Kong goes after The Flunky, who runs for his life.]
Crowd: JERRI! JERRI! JERRI! JERRI!
SW: OK, I may have done some things to Axl, but nothing compares to this. Even if he jobs out right now, I doubt anybody else in the back is stupid enough to take this abuse for what BOB pays.
VJ: One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Seven! Eight! Nine!
Styles: How did Axl get up?
"Charlie": Dees bowlsheet!
Styles: Jerri still has three chair shots at her disposal. With Viet Kong gone for the moment, she's looking for her own chair in the bag. Axl's slapping himself, trying to clear his brain perhaps. Jerri just asked for the mic.
JL: Axl, quit now and you may just save your career.
Axl: Thank you, bitch. May I have another?!
[Axl prepares for the next shot. Jerri pulls out a chair that has broken glass glued to it!]
Styles: A tai pei steel chair? Oh, give up, Axl! Quit now!
JL: You're burnt, you're bloody. Do you really want to be carried out of here unconscious with your pants soaked in your own piss?
Axl: It won't be the FIRST time! I mean…wait…
SW: That was ONLY because he's concussed. Everyone just ignore that.
Styles: Axl was twenty-something.
SW: You don't even know how old he is?
Styles: It's not on his bio page! And I don't have time to go looking through all his Rants at the moment. Do you?
SW: No, but I don't care. You usually know all this useless info.
Crowd: JERRI! JERRI! JERRI! JERRI!
"Charlie": Sheeneesteer Shitty prolly happee dat Asole no comeeng home aftah iMPROSHUN.
VJ: ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE! SIX!
Styles: Axl's flat on his back. No WAY he's getting up this time.
VJ: EIGHT! NINE!
[Axl kips up! The crowd is stunned.]
Styles: How on earth did he get up?
SW: Oh crap. Did you see Jerri's next chair?
Styles: A light tube chair? Oh no!
SW: If Axl somehow gets through this one, I seriously hope her last one isn't a weedwhacker chair.
"Charlie": Reedrackaw? Aww. Mee noo sink uv dat! Wee paws match?
Styles: You can't pause a match!
Styles: Axl is going to need a transfusion after this match. And possibly plastic surgery to repair the damage that he's endured tonight.
Crowd: Holy crap! Holy crap! Holy crap!
Styles: To recap, Axl has been hit with a regular chair, a double chair, a table chair, a ladder chair, a cheese grater chair, a barbed wire chair, a FLAMING chair, a tai pei chair, and a light tube chair. And, if Axl is able to once again get up before 10, he still has to take ANOTHER chair shot.
SW: He should be Coma-fied by now.
Styles: Maybe he's just IN a coma at this point.
VJ: THREE! FOUR! FIVE! SIX! SEVEN! EIGHT! NINE!!
Styles: KIP UP! Unbelievable!
[Axl stumbles into the ropes, but stays up. After a few seconds, Axl uses the ropes to shove himself forward. He is very wobbly, still dripping sick amounts of blood, but he's standing in the middle of the ring. Jerri looks around at the crowd in disbelief.]
Crowd: JERRI! JERRI! JERRI! JERRI!
[She digs into the bag for her last chair.]
Styles: Oh, stop the damn match!
"Charlie": Eet time fow sum see fow!
Styles: An exploding steel chair is Jerri's finale? Oh my GOD. I don't think I can watch this.
SW: Neither can I. Axl's about to become the star of "Weekend at Bernie's 3!"
"Charlie": Yoo poosies.
SW: The extra income was nice while it lasted anyway. Axl is all done.
"Charlie": Jelli chawgis!
"Charlie": OHH MAHHH GAHHHD! Ho-ree sheet!
[Smoke pours out from all around the ring. Jerri, Axl and Vicky Jean are ALL down.]
Crowd: Holy crap! Holy crap! Holy crap!
Styles: That didn't work out too well for Jerri.
SW: The hell? Who wins?
Styles: I don't know. I think we've got a draw? Or a no contest? I don't know. Everyone is down.
SW: Jerri and Vicky are beginning to stir. Oh poopie.
Styles: Everyone is covered in black soot from the explosion. Smoke is still pouring out from the ring. Wait a second. Sarah's in the ring! She's dragging a lifeless Axl up!
SW: Yes! She still loves me!
Styles: Um, no. I think she hates Jerri and wants to see her lose. The crowd is booing Sarah venomously here! She's duct taping him to the ropes! Vicky is still trying to get up.
SW: Faster! Faster!
"Charlie": Kong! Kong! Geet oww heeere!
Styles: She's even taping his feet to the ropes so he can't fall down! Sarah with a spin kick to Jerri! And now Sarah's dragging Vicky up to her knees and pointing to Axl! She's calling for the bell! Axl wins!
SW: YES! AHAHAHA! Sookie on that, "Charlie"!
NH: Here is your winner via not having his skull caved in, Axl!
[The crowd boos.]
Styles: Wow. Fans, we need to clean the ring up. We'll be right back with more action!
[Back in the ballroom, “Human Flesh Wax” by Cenotaph plays.]
NH: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the ring Cyborg Mr. Fantastic and the Mr. Fantastic clones!
SW: I see Cyborg, Chocolate, Jell-O, Kung Pao and British Mr. Fantastic, but who are these other guys?
Styles: Looks like Beachball Mr. Fantastic, Paperclip Mr. Fantastic, Origami Mr. Fantastic, Rubix Cube Mr. Fantastic and some others.
SW: Oy, these guys give me a headache.
Mr. Fantastic: Oh yeah! It’s true not one of the Mr. Fantastic clones, not even the almighty original Mr. Fantastic himself… me… has even been considered for a match until Gluttons For Punishment 2.
[Choc Fantastic grabs the mic.]
Chocolate Mr. Fantastic: That’s why we’re out here! We came here to take over, and we just get treated like jobbers all over again!
Jell-O Mr. Fantastic: Amb bwab ainmd coowub!
Kung Pao Mr. Fantastic: We’re hot! We’re spicy! We taste great! We’re the Mr. Fantastic clones, gat dammit, and we deserve to at least be booked for fudge’s sake!
Fudge Mr. Fantastic: Ohhh yeah!
Brit Mr. Fantastic: By jove, all you lovely lads and lasses in this audience truly deserve to see at least one of us Mr. Fantastics kicking the whatnot out of some poor fellow’s arse.
[Mr. Fantastic takes the mic back.]
Mr. Fantastic: We are the strongest unified atomic power in this galaxy. Oh yeah. We’ll take the hot damn airwaves over if we have to, but sweet Jesus and Mary by gawd if we don’t leave this dumb ring until we’ve kicked some ass and taken us some damn names!
[Creepy pipe organ music plays. A procession of druids in black robes slowly walks out carrying torches.]
Styles: The Undietaker?
[The Tinytron lights up with static.]
Creepy Kids Voice-Over: Ring around the rosey, a pocket full of posey, a tissue, a tissue, we all… fall… down.
Styles: What in God’s name is going on?
[The Tinytron is flooded with flashing images of maggots eating at carcasses, African execution footage, the Nazi face melting scene from Indian Jones, people being run over, people with deformities and other horrific imagery.]
SW: Wait a minute, what the hell is going on here?
Voice-Over: As I lay me down to sleep, I pray my soul is mine to keep, and never step outside this bed, until all the evil’s… back from the dead.
[“Firestarter” by Prodigy hits.]
SW: Holy *BEEP*!
Styles: It’s Kevin! Kevin is back! He’s back from the dead! And he’s wearing a BOB t-shirt!
[Kevin runs down the entrance ramp past the druids and slides into the ring.]
Styles: BIG right hand to Chocolate Mr. Fantastic! Another to Kung Pao Mr. Fantastic! A fan throws Kevin a steel chair and he levels British Mr. Fantastic with it! Chairshot to Rubix Cube Mr. Fantastic! And another to Jell-O Mr. Fantastic who melts right out of the ring! A series of sickening chairshots takes out the remaining Mr. Fantastic clones until only Cyborg is left. Kevin pulls a box of matches and a gasoline can out of his baggy pants and burns Mr. Fantastic’s face with a fireball!
SW: This is *BEEP*ing ridiculous!
Styles: Kevin climbs to the top rope and sets his arm on fire… BURNING ELBOW DROP TO MR. FANTASTIC! Kevin has cleaned house!
SW: I’m speechless.
Styles: The Mr. Fantastic stable is in hasty retreat as Kevin stands in the middle of the ring with his arm on fire in celebration! Fans, we'll be right back. Swiss Army Belt match. Next!
["Yo Ho (A Pirate's Life For Me)" by Jonas Brothers is playing as we return to the Ballroom. Kid Pirate hobbles his way out with a microphone.]
KP: I be a luchador god! I be also th' greatest Swiss ARRRRmy Belt holder in BrawlARRRS On a Budget history! I be also part o' th' greatest stable in wrestlin' history, th' Entities o' Destruction, along wi' Dr. Silaconne M. Plants an' Davy Jones' locker. An' thar's only one place I'd rather be than starboard here in Sin City. Anywhere else!
[The heel-loving Drunken Idiots pop for the inverted cheap pop.]
KP: And at Gluttons fer Punishment 2, I will retain me belt. I promise I will e'en hold this title until MegaBrawl III! E'en if I be loaded t' th' gunwhales on rum, which I be *hic*, me peg leg be shattered, me one good eye be plucked ou', I be chokin' t' Davy Jones' locker on Cheeri-yo-ho-hos, an' both me arms be broken, I would still defeat Kobe Gyant tonight!
KP: Kobe Gyant, I plan t' soften ye up fer SMP tonight, ye land lovin' tally whacker. I'll leave th' lad's jus' a wee bit t' finish off in th' cage. I'll give ye some Black Pearls…um guess they already ARRRRe black. Well, blackER pearls then! PrepARRRRe fer yer destruction.
["Me So Horny" by 2 Live Crew hits. Drunken Idiots boo as Kobe Gyant heads down the plank and into the ring.]
Styles: Kid Pirate with a lot of big talk during his entrance. He better not take the challenger lightly.
SW: The only reason he's even in this match is because Kid Pirate pulled his name out of a hat. He doesn't deserve this title match!
Styles: Are you kidding? Why are you worried if you're so sure Kid Pirate's going to win?
SW: Because Kobe's a thief. He stole Viet Kong's own move and used it against him on iMPLOSION 19! He better not try and kick Kid Pirate in the family jewels. Or pirate treasure. Whatever Kid calls his balls.
NH: The following match is set for one fall and it is for the Swiss Army Belt. Introducing first, from Los Santos–
Styles: Kid Pirate just went looking for a low blow during the intro, but Kobe caught him. SLAM DUNK!
[Pirate does an exaggerated selling of the move, rolling backward all the way to the opposite corner.]
Styles: Gyant drags Pirate out and heads up top. SHOOTING ALL-STAR PRESS! COVER! ONE! TWO! THREE! HEGOTHIM! New champion! New champion! Gyant did it!
SW: Oh no. If Gyant could beat Kid Pirate that quick…what's that mean he's gonna do to SMP? Death better kill Kobe twice at the On-Demand.
Dr. Silaconne M. Plants: Screw job! Screw job! Screw job!
Styles: THE ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS is here. Kid Pirate is pulling himself up, and he can't believe what just happened. Gyant has the Swiss Army Belt over his shoulder already.
SMP: Is there anything you won't steal, Kobe? First you steal the hardcore title from Death. Now you're stealing the Swiss Army Belt? I've HAD it with you, you SONOFABITCH! No more! This is ONE TITLE you WON'T be stealing from me. Do you have any idea who you're dealing with, pal? We are the ENTITIES OF DESTRUCTION! You don't get in EOD business unless you want to be put out of business. Permanently! And at Gluttons for Punishment, that's just what I'm going to do.
SMP: Speaking of punishment, it's time somebody put you in your place. You think you're some kind of all-star? You haven't done a damn thing in MY sport yet, pal. Try holding THREE titles in THREE promotions at the same time! Then get back to me. You aren't a champion. As a matter of fact, Kid Pirate, as Acting BigBOSS, I DEMAND that you strip Kobe of the title right now!
[Drunken Idiots cheer this development.]
SW: Yeah! He's a cheater! He stole Axl's agent! People who steal other people's people aren't cool.
Styles: Um, Scotty? Didn't you steal Axl out from under Tifa.
SW: That's totally irrelevant! I'm not banging him.
Styles: So, stealing for money is OK. Stealing for sex is bad.
SW: Right! I'm totally justified.
KP: Hold on, Plants. Kobe Gyant, ye got th' three, but th' world saw ye cheat yer arse off, jumpin' me before th' bell.
KP: So I`ll give ye an option t' do th' starboard thin' here. Ye can either be stripped o' th' title fer insubordination.
KG: Insubordination? Fo' what?
KP: Insubordination fer nay relinquishin' th' Swiss ARRRRmy Belt!
KG: You mentally ill, son?
KP: Or, ye can keep th' belt. An' defend 't at Gluttons fer Punishment in th' Royal Flush Rumble!
SMP: Unless you're as stupid as you look, you'll give up the title NOW.
Styles: The EOD is screwing Kobe out of this title one way or another. What is Kobe going to do? Will he enter the Royal Flush Rumble in an attempt to defend the Swiss Army Belt in addition to the steel cage match against SMP?
SW: Kobe's cogitating.
KG: Yo, Plants, Kid, for the record, I could start at number one in the Rumble, blindfolded, with earplugs, suffering with the flu, an appendix that's about to burst and a groin pull, and one hand tied behind my back, and still eliminate all 31 other BOBsters single-handedly, defendin' the Swiss Army Belt, while also picking up every other title and guaranteeing myself a shot against myself after I beat SMP in the cage at Gluttons. Now, as great as a Kobe vs. Kobe match would be, all I need to do is beat you for your title in your favorite kind of match. That is, assuming you can even get by Sarah tonight, you know. Kobe is leaving Gluttons for Punishment the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. THAT title (pointing at the OWTTM) is all that MATTERS to Kobe Gyant.
["Not All Who Wander Are Lost" hits. This brings out Trey Vincent to join in on the fun. He grabs SMP's mic. SMP snatches it right back.]
SMP: Do I look like Steve Studnuts? Stay out of my promos!
[Vincent grabs the mic back again.]
TV: No. Plants, I can feud with anybody I want because I'm the BOSS. Oooh, Kid Pirate is Acting BigBOSS. Big *BEEP*in' whoop. Kid Pirate's just a figurehead. And seeing as how the EOD is once again abusing its power, I think tonight's main event needs to get a little more interesting. A little more fair and balanced. So, SMP. I'd like to introduce you to tonight's special guest referee for your main event match.
[Trey takes off a black T-shirt featuring his own face. Underneath, of course, is a referee shirt.]
TV: And the match? It starts now! Pirate, Gyant, beat it.
Styles: It's main event time? Now?
["Temptation Waits" by Garbage hits. The crowd boos as Vincent heads toward the ring. Plants argues after him. Meanwhile, Kobe throws the Swiss Army Belt at Kid Pirate's peg leg, knocking him over.]
Styles: Fans, we've got one last commercial to take. When we come back. One of the biggest main events in iMPLOSION history. Dr. Silaconne M. Plants takes on former two-time ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS Sarah! And it's next!
[Kevin is stumbling around backstage, having made his presence known earlier in the night by wiping out the Mr. Fantastic stable. Christian St. Christian, Scatman and Joe Bananas are stood around a vending machine smoking a joint. Joe points at Kevin.]
Joe: Look at this fool.
CSC: Thinks he’s hard.
Scatman: Hey you, punk!
[Kevin looks up at the trio, still trying to catch his breath. He notices the joint in St. Christian’s hand and snatches it off him.]
Kevin: Oh man, I haven’t smoked since I got out of hell. Haven’t even sniffed any glue yet.
[He takes a long puff on the spliff and blows the smoke up in the air at a ceiling fan.]
Joe: Hey bitch, that’s mine! I didn’t say you could have any!
Kevin: Who in the blue hell are you?
[Joe smiles a toothy grin from ear to ear.]
Joe: I’m Joe Bananas, man.
Kevin: Who?! And who the hell are these freaks? When did BOB become a sideshow attraction?
Scatman: And who exactly are you again?
Kevin: I am Kevin The Pyromaniac.
CSC: Oooh, I’m quaking in my boots.
[St. Christian and Scatman high five. Joe takes the spliff back off Kevin.]
Joe: You’d better hit the road junior.
Kevin: How old are you, fifty?
Joe: I’m 32, and I’ve been in this business a hell of a lot longer than you punk.
Kevin: Yeah? Well this is BOB, not some indy with only a handful of fans in the audience, and I’ve been here a *BEEP* load longer than you flash in the pan pansies.
Joe: Flash in the pan? Boy, I ought to knock your damn teeth down your throat!
[He grabs at a fleshy bulge in his pants mid-thigh.]
Joe: If you were a woman I’d slap you upside your head with my horse penis.
Kevin: Oh, I remember now. Joe Bananas is that guy who can jizz like a horse. Man, let me tell ya, I can do that too. It takes like five years of non-stop masturbation, for hours on end, but it’s SO worth it. Garden hoses ain’t got *BEEP* on me.
Scatman: Aren’t you a virgin?
Kevin: I’m 17… and ugly. But you can’t tell me you wouldn’t be jealous of seeing that much sperm on a girl’s face.
Joe: Wait wait wait wait WAIT. I’M the horse sperm guy, not you!
Kevin: Hell, I’m that much of a retarded, glue sniffing loser I’ll probably only ever get to jizz on mannequins and cardboard cutouts of Pamela Anderson, but damn, how good does that *BEEP* feel? Am I right?
[He looks at Joe with a smirk on his face and snatches the joint again.]
Scatman: I take it back, this guy is kinda cool. But to be honest, and I have to tell YOU this, I can defecate like an ELEPHANT. A girl’s jaw just drops and she has no choice but to squeal like a damn pig as that avalanche of poo comes streaming out my ass at them.
Kevin: Wow, I thought I was the sickest guy in BOB.
Scatman: *Pfft*, you might be sicker than Joe here, but even this St. Christian mother*BEEP*er outranks you on the sick-o-meter. And all he does is crush bugs all day.
Kevin: We should do a fusion of our talents, all four of us. You can *BEEP* on a racooon or something, I’ll set fire to it, this weirdo in the gimp costume can crush it and then Joe can cum all over the mess left behind.
Scatman: Sounds good to me!
Joe: Y’all are some trifling mother*BEEP*ers.
[Joe takes the last hit on the joint, throws the roach to the carpet, and walks off. St. Christian can’t help but put it out with glee.]
Scatman: So, Kevin, you seem pretty warped. You wanna join the Fetish Freaks? I doubt Jerri will mind, but she might wanna burn you with cigarette butts or something as an initiation.
Kevin: I do that to myself on my own time. Thanks, but no thanks. I’m back in BOB for one reason and one reason only. To finally win the AYOOYFM title.
[Scatman cups his hands over his mouth and yells as he walks away.]
Scatman: Good luck not getting a stiffy facing the champ! Ya redneck retard.
[St. Christian kicks the vending machine behind them and an avalanche of a pop cans and candy bars flows out.]
Scatman: It’s a candylanche!
[Back in the ring, Sarah and Dr. Silaconne M. Plants are chatting and joking with each other.]
[Plants and Sarah look at Heidi, then turn toward the camera, looking guilty. Sarah sticks her finger in SMP's face, as SMP points at the OWTTM furiously until Trey Vincent backs them apart, pushing on their chests.]
Sarah: Hands! Hands!
TV: Huh? It's not like I ain't been there before, honey.
NH: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your main event, and it is for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS!
NH: Executive Producer Trey Vincent, who is also the special guest referee for this match…
NH: Has decreed the following stipulations. If Sarah wins the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS tonight, she will go on to Gluttons for Punishment 2 and defend the title against Kobe Gyant in the steel cage match, and SMP will face Jerri Li in the loser leaves BOB ladder match.
[Plants gets in Vincent's face after hearing THAT. Vincent smiles as SMP fumes and curses a heavily bleeped blue streak at him.]
NH: However, if SMP retains the title, the matches will remain as currently booked.
[SMP calms down a little bit.]
NH: Introducing first, the challenger. She's originally from Cloudydale, Connecticut, and now makes her home right here in Sin City!
NH: She is a former TWO-TIME ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, and weighs in tonight at 100 pounds. Ladies and gentlemen, this…is…SARAH!
Styles: This may very well be Sarah's last match in Sin City if she loses here tonight.
SW: Why? Gluttons for Punishment's going on the road?
Styles: Yeah. Didn't you get the memo?
SW: BOB HAS memos?
Styles: We're going back to Intercourse, PA!
SW: Woohoo! I love Intercourse!
Styles: Why did I know you'd say that?
NH: And her opponent. He is the reigning, and defending, ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS!
[The crowd stands and begins cheering loudly for the heel SMP.]
NH: Representing the Entities of Destruction, he is from Naples, Italy, and tonight weighs in at 240 pounds, the Sinister Surgeon, the Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling Today, Dr. Silaconnnnnne Mmmmm Plannnnnnts!
Crowd: SMP! SMP! SMP! SMP!
Styles: Well fans, Kobe Gyant and Kid Pirate are still out here. And during the break, Death also made his way out, along with The Great. And we've got even MORE company now, as the Fetish Freaks are coming out to watch.
SW: Lots of BOBsters around. Huge battle royal coming up. Does anyone NOT see where this one's going?
Styles: The only question is WHEN all hell will break loose in this main event. Not if. Sarah, of course, cost Jerri the match against Axl earlier, and no doubt Jerri's going to be looking for some payback. Death and Kid Pirate are still yelling at each other not far from us.
SW: Oh crap. Look over there.
Styles: Is that Viruz? What is that banner he's waving. WSE? What's a WSE?
SW: I don't know. But I bet it sucks if Viruz is involved!
["War" by Sick Puppies hits. Crowd pops once again!]
SW: Studnuts is here?
Styles: It's Steve Studnuts! The entire locker room has emptied, and now here comes the man who wants to get his hands on Trey Vincent. I'm still waiting to find out what's going on with the MegaBrawl III main event. Is Trey Vincent vs. Steve Studnuts still on?
SW: Of course it is. BOB only gets one money match a year. You seriously think they're going to screw THIS one up?
Styles: Knowing our history, quite possibly. Well, this match is about to start, and boy is referee Trey Vincent going to have an interesting time trying to maintain control in this one. He has to deal with the various BOBsters watching, plus Kobe Gyant and the Entities of Destruction are all around the ring. And now Steve Studnuts is here!
SW: My sources tell me that WSE is an even lower budget parody fed that airs on…the Weather Channel?
SW: Hey, WSE, here's a forecast: You have a 90 percent chance of getting your lame asses kicked if you jump the Flimsy Guardrail®. Why are the jobbers guarding them?
XXXtreme Machine: im n0t @ jobr i wuz teh otwtwm!!!
Styles: Thankfully only for a couple minutes. SMP and Sarah lock up mid-ring. Sarah whips SMP to the ropes and Sarah goes down from a shoulder block. Sarah quickly back up. Hammerlock by SMP, Sarah reverses, and SMP reverses again. Drop toe hold and SMP floats over, but Sarah goes for the leg! SMP boots her face! Cartwheel by Sarah, but right into a hip toss! Damn!
SW: Look at this! Kay Fabe and Xamfir are heading out. And Little Good? With Michelle? The hell is going on?
Styles: The Shaggy Gang is back! Apparently, they're going to be watching Sarah's back. Sarah out to the floor with hugs all around.
SW: Bwahaha! And Trey wants a hug from Kay. And there's the ass grab! And there's Kay's slap. Wonder how that'll go over with Seth Harker in Parts Unknown.
Styles: Kay and Seth are long over, Scotty. And we're finally ready to get this one back underway.
SW: Little Good just blew some smoke in SMP's direction. This is so unfair to SMP! He may lose, have to face Jerri Li in a loser leaves BOB ladder match, and get cancer! The only way this night could get any worse is if Studnuts does Nurse Heidi doggy-style right in front of him while Scatman forces SMP to chug a cup of his doodoo!
Styles: Gross, Scotty!
SW: I'm all about perspective, Styles. I guess there are worse things than losing a title. Much worse things…
Styles: Sarah and Plants lock up again, SMP getting the better of it. Sarah licks her hand and unloads with a bitch slap! And Sarah points at Kay in tribute for that one. Plants shoves Sarah. Sarah shoves him back. Plants grabs her by the hair and tosses her to the corner. Knee lift. And now SMP points at Death.
SW: Hahaha! SMP can play those games, too!
Styles: And now SMP putting a hand over his eye and pretending he's blind? And now he's pointing at Xamfir! Oh, that's cold! And now he's pointing at Kid Pirate?
SW: BWAHAHAHA! They're both half-blind! It's funny because it's true.
LG: Hey! Where's my bloody tribute? Right bastards…
Styles: Sarah with a right. Plants with a chop!
SW: Their version of "wooooo"?
Styles: I guess.
Crowd: BOOOOOOBS! BOOOOOOBS!
Styles: Two stiff chops by SMP there. Kick to the midsection and Sarah goes for the ride. Elbow right to the face! SMP off the ropes and drops the knee NO! Sarah catches it! But SMP pushes her off the ropes. Yakuza kick by Sarah connects! She quickly heads up top. Plants avoids a missile dropkick! And now Plants heading up top?
SW: No! Just punch her 'til you knock her out! Don't try any of this stupid luchador crap. No offense, Kid.
Kid Pirate: (Off mic) Screw ye, Scotty!
Styles: Snap kick by Sarah catches SMP in the midsection.
SW: DQ her! That was low!
Styles: I didn't train Sarah to kick anyone in the balls!
SW: Do you really have to train somebody how to do that? Hell, I could kick you in the balls, and I don't need a trainer. Your argument is so flawed it's laughable. I laugh at you, Styles.
Styles: What else is new? Rolling koppou kick by Sarah! Cover! One! Two! No! Plants back up. Nipple Cutter! No! Sarah shoves him off, and Plants to the floor for a breather!
[SMP makes a beeline right for the Flimsy Announce Desk™.]
Styles: Oh no!
[SMP grabs Styles by the tie, crawls up on the table, then pulls up Styles with him. He wraps the tie around Styles throat and holds it with his left hand, and puts Styles into a hammerlock with his right hand, making Styles a hostage of sorts.]
SMP: Quit, or I'll break his god damn arm!
[Sarah doesn't. Instead, she starts climbing the turnbuckles.]
SMP: Stop that!
[The crowd rises to their feet.]
Sarah: Styles? I'm sorry!
Crowd: Holy crap! Holy crap! Holy crap!
[As Sarah dove, Plants shoved Styles to the floor, and he jumped safely behind the table, leaving Sarah to crash face-first through the Flimsy Announce Desk™. SMP smiles as Vincent comes out to check on her.]
SMP: That was the second worst decision of her life, pal! The first was collecting STDs from you!
[That prompts Vincent to shove Plants. Plants shoves Vincent back. Vincent's about to wind up and nail him, but manages to control himself and simply grabs SMP by the hair and tosses him back inside the ring. The EOD walks toward Vincent, but the Shaggy Gang quickly comes around to uneven the odds in Shaggy Gang favor. Vincent drags Sarah out of the wreckage and dumps a bottle of water on her face to revive her, then gets back in the ring.]
Crowd: EOD! EOD! EOD!
SW: Are we back on? You OK, Styles?
Styles: That son of a bitch! He suckered Sarah right in. That may be the match right there. Sarah is holding herself in pain on the floor, as SMP demands Vincent start the 10 count. I bet he'd love to take a count out victory here.
SW: Of course he would! Why wrestle for 20 minutes when you can win in 10 seconds.
Styles: Hold on! The WSE wrestlers are trying to hop the rail! Oh boy! And here we go! We've got a fight in the crowd now.
SW: Well, more like a chase, as those pussies are running for their lives. Viruz throws the WSE flag at them, and down goes XXXtreme Machine, Snapmare Kid, the Human Foreign Object and Kurt Angel like a NASCAR wreck. Without any of the fun explosions or carnage.
Styles: And the WSE has been chased out of the BOB Ballroom, and our jobbers are in pursuit of their jobbers.
SW: Hey, did you notice that Michelle strayed away from the Shaggy Gang side? Now she's over chatting with Death!
Styles: There have been a lot of rumors about these two backstage. I think Michelle's smitten with Death. Only neither of them will admit it.
SW: It's the worst love story ever told. "Mom, I'm in love with the Grim Reaper." Only in BOB…
Styles: Sarah rolls back in the ring.
SW: Trey never counted. He's so biased. Go SMP! You rule! EOD forever!
Styles: Who's biased now? SMP putting the boots to Sarah's injured ribs.
SW: Too bad Sarah never got some D-cup implants. She would've bounced right off the table unscathed. And the irony? She could've gotten those implants from her opponent!
Styles: I highly doubt any implants from SMP would've held up. He has the cheapest materials in the industry. Sarah goes hard into the corner. And The Great's looking a bit worried now, as he's inching closer to the ring. "XFactor" Pete Trable trying to restrain him, and pointing out the Mr. Fantastic clones that have also joined us. Sarah goes in hard to the opposite corner now. Belly-to-back suplex by SMP! Cover! One! Two! No!
SW: Slow count! We seriously need a ref bump, Styles. We need an innocent, pure, chaste referee like Vicky Jean.
Styles: Vicky Jean? You mean, the girl who's in the aisle, grinding her behind into Steve Studnuts' crotch at the moment?
SW: I'm sure she's just trying to keep her ass warm. It's a little chilly in here tonight. See how erect her nipples are?
Styles: *Sigh* Plants with some punches. Double underhook suplex by Plants, as he now begins to target Sarah's back, possibly for a Scalpel's Edge. Cover! One, two and no!
Crowd: BOOOOOOBS! BOOOOOOBS! BOOOOOOBS! BOOOOOOBS!
Styles: Those chops are just vicious. Nice vertical suplex by Plants there. Cover! One, two and no! Sarah once again has enough to kick out. Sarah fighting back.
Styles: Sarah and SMP trading shots now. Sarah to the ropes. Cartwheel dropkick connects! Very nicely done! SMP up quick and charges, but Sarah uses SMP's own momentum to send crashing to the floor. Sarah going high risk once again. Incoming! SOMERSAULT DROPKICK SUICIDA! Oh my GOD!
Crowd: Holy crap! Holy crap! Holy crap!
Styles: Holy crap indeed! She has never used that move. Sarah pulling out all the stops to win the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS for the third time.
TV: One! Two!
SW: Oh, now he's gonna count? Selective enforcement! I call shenanigans!
TV: Four! Five! Six!
Styles: Both brawlers are stirring and crawling back to the ring.
TV: Seven! Eight!
Styles: And they're back in, but they're both on their knees, exhausted. Chop!
Styles: Chop by Sarah!
Styles: SMP chops!
Styles: Chop by Sarah!
Styles: SHINING WIZARD FROM SARAH! Sarah drags up SMP. Spinning back fist! Uppercut! Side kick! Plants is down! Sarah heading to the top once again. Plants struggling to get up. SARAHCONRANA! COVER! ONE! TWO! NO! Plants kicked out!
SW: Phew! I thought the putrid smell for Sarah's snatch might've knocked him out.
Styles: Scotty! Sarah back up top once again, though the Sin City fans don't like it one bit. Plants very slow to get up. She dives RIGHT INTO A NIPPLE CUTTER! OHMYGOD! Cover by Plants! ONE! TWO! THREE! NO!! Sarah kicked out! She kicked out! And these fans can't believe it.
SW: Vincent should fire himself for this shoddy refereeing!
Styles: Yeah, that'll happen. Both brawlers are stirring.
Styles: SMP takes Sarah over with a headlock. Headscissors. SMP counters! One! Two! Sarah reverses the pin! One! Two! SMP reverses again! Kick out. Med Degree! No! Sarah small packages Plants! One! Two! Kickout! Plants kicks Sarah. Sunset flip! He can't get her over.
SW: Woohoo! Full moon!
[The Drunken Idiots pop as Sarah's pants are pulled down to show bare ass.]
Styles: And with a mighty tug of Sarah's pants, Plants gets the cover! One! Two! No! Sarah claps SMP's head with her legs for the break.
SW: Hey, they may hate Sarah, but they love partial nudity!
Styles: Sarah fixes her "wardrobe malfunction" and chops Plants!
Crowd: BOOOOOO! BOOOOOO! BOOOOOO!
Styles: Thumb to the eye! Forearm smash to Sarah's injured ribs bends her over. Oh no! Scalpel's Edge!
SW: Woohoo! This one's over!
Styles: HEGOTIT! Cover! One! Two! And NO! Sarah somehow gets the shoulder up!
SW: Hey, look! Studs is making his way down, and he's not alone. He's got the dinged up Medium-Sized Bucket with him. He killed Trey with that bucket on iMPLOSION 18.
Styles: Oh man. Studs looking to get in the head of Trey Vincent, and what better way than to distract him and cost his ex-girlfriend the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, just as Vincent cost Steve Studnuts the title at MegaBrawl II!
Styles: The Shaggy Gang now blocking Studnuts path on the plank. Now it'll be up to the Gyant Bananas to hold off the EOD.
SW: Who would Kobe rather face? SMP or Sarah?
Styles: At this point, I'm not sure if there's a better option for him. Although both will be pretty worn down from this great main event. SMP can't believe what's going on in the ring, or outside of it at the moment.
SW: Now Trey and Studs yelling at each other.
[Steel Chair rappels down from the ceiling! HUGE POP!]
Styles: Oh no! SMP grabs Steel Chair off the zip line!
CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!
Styles: SARAH WITH A TRIPLE KICK INTO STEEL CHAIR! Trey just turned around, but now EVERYBODY is down and he didn't see what happened. Trey grabs Steel Chair and throws it at Studnuts, who bats it away with the Medium-Sized Bucket, and Steel Chair flies into The Great! Studnuts charges! Oh boy! And here we go! Chaos just erupted at ringside! Everybody is fighting with everybody! They all know that the NGETFA tag titles, Swiss Army Belt, hardcore title and a shot to become the number one contender at Gluttons for Punishment 2 will all be on the line, and everybody's looking to get an early advantage.
SW: Hey! Trey just pulled Sarah on top of SMP! He's screwing Plants!
Styles: ONE! TWO! THREE! NO! PLANTS KICKED OUT! Unbelievable!
SW: Man, everybody but Gyant Bananas and the EOD are fighting.
Styles: The Great and Studnuts trading shots on the floor. Fetish Freaks and the Shaggy Gang now brawling like crazy. Cyborg Mr. Fantastic and Cyborg Angelina X in a staredown.
SW: Kevin's staring at Hamster Girl and trying not to get a chubby.
Styles: Sarah waiting on SMP to get up to hit another Triple Kick and finish off the CHAMPION. She charges. Leg sweep by Plants! School boy! One! Two! NO! Sarah kicks out again! SMP is irate! He shoves Vincent! Vincent shoves him on his ass!
SW: Studnuts sneaks in the ring. Low blow on Vincent! YES! FAIRY-GO-ROUND! Hahahaha!
Styles: That's gotta be a DQ. Here comes The Great! Twist of Great on Studnuts! NIPPLE CUTTER on The Great by SMP! And now SMP just spit on Kobe Gyant! Oh boy! Here we go! Kobe's in the ring! It's SMP and Kobe! They're trading punches!
SW: Whoa! Kid Pirate just broke a bottle of rum over Joe Bananas skull!
Styles: Death's in! Knee to Kobe's back. Side slam on the number one contender!
SW: What the HELL?
Styles: Jerri Li just nailed Death, Kobe Gyant and Kid Pirate with that cheese grater chair! Jerri tosses the chair to Scatman.
Styles: He blasted SMP! The Fetish Freaks have just laid out the Entities of Destruction! OH MY GOD!
SW: Where's Joanie Laurer when you need her? Oh no! Plants is busted. And dookied.
[Jerri slaps Scatman.]
JL: What are you doing? I told you not to touch Plants!
Scatman: You did?
JL: You never listen to me! *BEEP*!
Styles: I thought Jerri vowed revenge on Plants after what happened at March Mayhem?
SW: Chicks. They're nuts.
Styles: And finally, Jerri has Sarah. TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER ON THE CHEESE GRATER CHAIR! OH MY GOD!
SW: Christian St. Christian and Scatman tossing bodies to the floor. Jerri yelling in Sarah's face. This is absolute chaos. This is awesome!
Styles: And this thing is down to three people once again. Referee Trey Vincent, who is stunned after that vicious Fairy-Go-Round. The CHAMPION, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, who is gushing blood from his forehead. And Sarah, who isn't moving after that tombstone. Plants clawing his way toward Sarah. Vincent is trying to clear his eyes. We've got a cover! Plants on top!
SMP: Count, assho–! I mean…you're the greatest sports entertainer of all-time, Trey!
SW: Ahahaha! He just stroked Trey's ego! Trey can't resist that move!
Styles: COVER! ONE! TWO!! THREE!!! DAMNIT!
NH: Here is your winner…and STILLLL BOB ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS…DR. SILACONNE M. PLANTS!
[As the crowd cheers that announcement, Axl, his head covered in blood-soaked bandages, sneaks out behind Jerri on the plank. He spins her around.]
Styles: SHOT IN THE DARK! And that superkick sent Jerri flying into the fans! But Scatman and Christian are just pummeling Axl now! Oh man! Axl may not make it out of Sin City alive!
[Cut to a shot of Jerri crowdsurfing.]
SW: Kobe's back in the ring!
Styles: DRIBBLER CROSSFACE ON PLANTS!
[Plants begins tapping frantically.]
Styles: SMP'S TAPPING! HE'S TAPPING!
SW: It doesn't matter if he's tapping! There's no match!
Styles: Is SMP's title reign in jeopardy?
SW: Oh, don't start that Alex Trebek stuff again!
Styles: Can SMP defeat Kobe Gyant in a steel cage match? Who will win the Royal Flush Rumble and become the number one contender? Who will be the tag champs, hardcore champ and Swiss Army champ? Will we ever see Jerri Li or Sarah again on G5? There's only one way to find out. Order Gluttons For Punishment 2!
©2009 BOB Wrestling! Cross the lame!
Styles: For Scotty Whatbody, this is Mike Styles saying, GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY! And order Gluttons for Punishment 2!