[Pan the interior of the V-Rock Hotel ballroom in Sin City. Hundreds of fans are already booing the non-action. Man, just wait 'til they see the actual show! "American Witch" by Rob Zombie hits. The crowd pops when they see the familiar form of none other than Kay Fabe!]
Styles: The self-proclaimed sexiest Wiccan redhead in parody sports entertainment today is back in Brawlers On a Budget! Hello everyone, and welcome to Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! Finally, Kay Fabe has come back to BOB!
SW: Quit stealing all her catchphrases, Styles! Or she'll give you some mystical syphilis or something.
Styles: Glad to see you back, Scotty.
[Cut to the announce desk. Scotty is in a big white neck brace and in a wheelchair. It looks like he hasn't shaved in a few days and his hair is an uncombed mess.]
SW: And no, this isn't because I idolize Ed McMahon or I'm looking for sympathy. My neck just really, really hurts! In case you idiots at home forgot, that loser Steve Roydz put me through this *BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP* table a week ago!
[Scotty fishes a bottle of pills out of his pocket.]
Styles: Thankfully, you're tongue wasn't injured. What is that?
[Scotty downs a pill.]
SW: Vicodin! I may be a pill-popping employee, but I'm a pill-popping employee with a guaranteed contract! Besides, I'm such a color commentating genius that Seth Harker can't fire me! Oh baby, look at Kay! How I've missed her. My neck isn't the only thing that's stiff right now! Woohoo!
Kay Fabe: Hello, losers!
[The crowd cheers.]
KF: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Brawlers On a Budget's Acting BigBOSS, and the greatest, best wrestler Goddess has ever given man on the face of the Earth, Seth Harker!
SW: Kay's gonna be pissed when she finds out that God's got a penis.
["Rising Sun" by Bexta hits. Seth Harker emerges from the back with heelish sneer on his face, which of course gets a huge pop from the Sin City fans. He walks out in slow motion. Literally. It isn't an editing effect. He's just walking really, really, slow.]
SW: Wow, no special Wachoski treatment? We saving money on special effects since there's an On-Demand coming up or something?
Styles: I figured he would have budgeted himself all sorts of bells and whistles.
["Not All Who Wander Are Lost" hits. Trey Vincent stomps down the aisle, past the slow moving Seth Harker and slides into the ring. He yanks the microphone out of Kay's hand.]
Trey Vincent: Seth, quit doing your impersonation of a turtle and get in here already! We've only got an hour and thanks to you, we don't have time for this *BEEP*!
[Seth sighs and walks at normal speed the rest of the way to the ring. He slides under the bottom rope and stands in front of Trey.]
TV: Just in case everybody here and at home missed out on what happened this week, Seth Harker is trying to screw me out of the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS!
TV: Why? What the hell have I done to you?
TV: Then why did you book me into this match against SMP and Kevin tonight?
Seth: Because. I just figured you could use a little main event money.
TV: I can get main event money at UnFOURgiven, buddy.
Seth: Right. But since there's no doubt you'll win tonight, why are you worried? Really. If you're sooo sure you can beat Kevin and SMP, then why are you pissed at me?
TV: Because I'm lazy, damnit! I didn't want to work, let alone against KEVIN. He's insane! I am a sports entertainer. The best sports entertainer on the planet! He's a midget arsonist!
Seth: You need to learn a lesson, Trey. And you know what that lesson is? I'm in charge now. And you're going to do what I say. I'm acting BigBOSS. If BigBOSS were to die in a car crash, from autoerotic asphyxiation, or in a shoot-out with the IRS, that would mean that I become BigBOSS.
TV: I don't know what I'm more disturbed by. Your corruption, or the fact that you're THINKING about BigBOSS dying via erotic asphyxiation!
TV: You've become absolutely corrupted by absolute power!
SW: Yeah! With great power comes great responsibility to abuse that power.
Seth: Me? Are you high?
TV: I wish!
Seth: Trey, I have no problem fighting the entire BOB roster tonight. Of course, I'm not a giant pussy.
Crowd: MEOOOOOWW! MEOOOOOW! MEOOOOOOW!
TV: I am NOT a pussy!
Seth: Then prove it.
TV: You know, Seth. It's no secret that I love myself and that I'm the best entertainer money can buy. I provide these Sin City *BEEP*heads—
TV: With the most memorable moments in BOB's history. Whether it was when I slammed Wig Show at ImaginaryMania III, or when I go onto to UnFOURgiven on July 5th live on BOB-On-Demand and beat Steve Studnuts, The Great and Mr. Paradox to become the Grand Slam winner and have all the Brawlers On a Budget gold. Then, you want a pissing contest? Well, I'll give you all the golden showers you can handle, buddy.
Seth: In case you didn't notice, Trey. You've got gold. Studs has the OWTTM. And you and me have the most powerful positions in this company. UnFOURgiven will be the iAd's night, whether you're in the main event or not. We came here in 2002 to take over BOB. And guess what? We have. Now be cool.
[Trey and Seth stare at each other for several seconds.]
TV: God, I missed Kay's tits…
Styles: What a start to this one. Fans, it's gonna be a HUGE night. Trey Vincent defends his half of the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Titles against Dr. Silaconne M. Plants and Kevin the Pyromaniac. The winner of that triple threat match goes on to the main event of UnFOURgiven. Also, Seth Harker vs. the entire BOB roster! Mr. Fantastic is set to make his BOB debut as well, but up next!
[Cut to a shot of Steve Studnuts, wearing the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS and walking down a hallway somewhere in the hotel.]
SW: Yes! The new ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS!
Styles: Steve Studnuts will take on Jerri Li. No DQ? Are you kidding me?
[We find Axl pacing nervously backstage... While Viruz stands not too far off, with his arms folded. The door swings open...]
Axl: Lord Vader!
Garth: Yes my son... it is time. Are you prepared to make your decision?
Axl: I- ... Lord Vader, I... I truly do wish to succeed. But... Rose means so much to me. She means the world to me, Lord Vader. I... can't-
[Vader stands solemnly, shaking his helmet in disbelief.]
Garth: What a pity... What-a-pity... You dissapoint me, young Axlwalker.
[Vader turns around, and heads back through the open door... And soon after, Viruz heads toward the door... looking back at his brother with a look of disgust. With his palm on the handle, he speaks...]
Viruz: How could you, brother? You... you make me sick.
[Vi turns back around and rushes through the door... leaving Axl to stare blankly ahead.]
- July the 5th... One day removed from the greatest celebration of American pride... American honor... and American tradition... -
- ... An American hero shall turn traitor. -
- A BOBster Original WILL join the Hierarchy at UnFourGiven... -
[A pure white feather gently falls upon a pure black background...]
- he has fallen -
Cheesy: Announcer: Order UnFOURgiven on BOB-On-Demand, exclusively at BOBwrestling.com! UnFOURgiven! Send us money! UnFOURgiven! Send us money! UnFOURgiven! Send us money! UnFOURgiven! Send us money! UnFOURgiven! Send us money!
SW: Well that was subtle.
KF: The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is a no disqualification match.
["It's Coming Down" by Danzig plays.]
KF: Introducing first, from Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Weighing in at 123 pounds... Jerri Li!
SW: Damn, this is worse than being Rick Rolled.
Styles: Jerri has pinned her outfit to her body with thumbtacks, presumably so Studnuts can't rip it off.
SW: She is a sadist after all.
Styles: This one all got started a few weeks back when Steve Studnuts powerbombed Jerri through a barbed wire board. That started a fatal obsession of sorts with Studnuts.
SW: And tonight comes the "fatal" part.
Styles: I talked to Jerri earlier, and she said this was going to be a "tune-up" match before her big T&A XX Division Title match at UnFOURgiven, when she'll challenge Nikki Mantle.
SW: Seriously? This chick is crazy! She picked Studnuts to have a warm-up match? Could we not sign a polar bear, or have her wrestle a pit full of black widow spiders?
["Dead Between The Walls" by Pelican plays.]
KF: And her opponent, from Phoenix, Arizona. Weighing in at 262 lbs, he is the new ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS... Steve Studnuts!
Styles: Jerri doesn't waste any time in sliding back out of the ring and running up the aisle toward Studnuts. She leaps up and wraps her legs around his waist and claws at his face with her fingernails. He slams her down hard onto the floor.
Steve Studnuts: Every bitch in the world gets what they want from Steve Studnuts. Ya dig?
Styles: Studnuts just soccer kicked Jerri between the legs!
SW: Real subtle.
Styles: He grabs her by the ankles and drags her up onto the back of her neck and starts booting her in the spine. He drops her legs forwards and begins driving huge knees into the top of her head. He then hauls her back up to her feet and lifts her for a scoop slam, carrying her towards the ring and slamming her upside down into the ring post.
SW: He's going to paralyze her so she can never feel pain again.
Styles: Studnuts steals a bottle of tequila from a fan and takes a big swig before smashing the bottle over Jerri's head as she tries to get back up. He rolls her back into the ring and gets two steel chairs. He climbs in through the ropes and closes one of the chairs around Jerri's head. He jumps up and lands a double stomp right on top of it.
Crowd: Holy crap!
SW: So much for censoring violence against women.
Styles: Studnuts lifts Jerri up and leans her against the turnbuckles, tying her arms up in the ropes. He takes the other chair and hits her with a sickening thud that echoes across the entire casino. Jerri is bleeding from the mouth as she falls like a ragdoll to the canvas.
SW: She's not even in this match.
Styles: Studnuts pulls her back up to her feet and starts hammering away at her jaw. He kicks the two misshapen steel chairs together before piledriving Jerri onto them and making a cover. 1, 2, she kicked out, somehow.
SW: This must be like Disneyland for her.
Styles: Studnuts runs to ropes and drops a big leg drop right across Jerri's throat. He then lifts her up in his arms and just drops her right on top of her head. Someone has to stop this!
SW: Don't look at me. I'm handicapped! Much like Jerri's about to be.
Styles: Studnuts won't let up and has Jerri back between his legs. He lifts her up onto his shoulders before powerbombing her right back onto the top of her head for a second time! Why isn't Generic Ref calling for the bell? She really could be paralyzed for life if this continues!!
Steve Studnuts: Alright Styles, Jesus, use your inside voice.
Styles: Studnuts rests Jerri back in the corner. She tries to scratch at his eyes but she just doesn't have the strength. Steve lifts her onto his shoulders and absolutely destroys her with a Death Valley (of the Sun) Driver. 1, 2, 3!
SW: She got SQUASHED.
[Studnuts lights up a cigarette.]
Steve Studnuts: Was that as good for you as it was for me, baby?
[Backstage, Trey Vincent was looking over the iMPLOSION script with The Flunky.]
TV: Hey, there, Sarah.
Sarah: Look. I know things got weird with us a couple weeks back. But I know what I want. I want my pretty title belt back. I'm so sorry about the whole trying to have some self-respect thing. I've learned better now.
TV: You have?
Sarah: I know you still feel, something for me.
[Trey grimaces and looks down to find her hand between his legs.]
Sarah: I want a title shot against the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS at the next On-Demand in August. I'll do anything. I'll do anyBODY, not including Owen Wilson, if you give me that shot.
TV: Good girl. Finally got your priorities straight. Tell you what. You do me a favor tonight, and we'll just forget that little incident of you, me, and sushi.
Sarah: As long as it doesn't involve me being roommates with, or sleeping with Owen Wilson, I'm in. What is it?
[We head back to Axl's lockeroom, where Steve Roydz is sitting beside his leader, on the bench, without a rip-off of another wrestler's attire.]
Steve: Axl, let me tell you... truthfully. Whether you focus on your girl or your career, I have your back man. You've helped me out alot... I owe alot to you, dude.
Axl: (looking at Steve with a feint smile) Thank you. It's good to have a friend.
Steve: No problem.
[A knock comes at the door. Axl tells the person to enter... and she does.]
Rose: Axl, what's this about you having some kind of "decision" to make? Hm? ARE YOU DUMPING ME?!
Axl: Rose. I have had a decision to make. And I've made it.
[Axl stands... and extends the palm of his hand to Rose.]
Axl: Come... I've got something very important to tell you... in the ring. : - )
Rose: Oh Axl... make it quick, I've got a bowling game with my buds at the bar.
[Axl sort of gets a peevish look for a moment... but the smile returns, as the two hold hands, walking through the door. Steve scratches his head... and follows.]
Kay Fabe: The following contest is scheduled for one fall!
["This Is XXXtreme" by Harry Dick & The No-Tones plays.]
KF: Introducing first, weighing in at 256 pounds... XXXtreme Machine!
Styles: No matter how many times you try to keep him down, he keeps coming back for more!
SW: Just like Indian food.
Styles: Kay Fabe making her return to BOB, filling in for Nurse Heidi, who was injured last week thanks to a fishermanbuster onto Dr. Silaconne M. Plants at the hands of Trey Vincent. Plants will be looking for revenge later tonight in that big triple threat match, as will Kevin the Pyromaniac, who was screwed out of his half of the titles.
SW: Yep. It ain't easy being a green-haired freak.
['Human Flesh Wax" by Cenotaph plays.]
KF: And the challenger, weighing in at 300 pounds. From Bacon, Idaho... Misterrrr Fantastic!
SW: This guy doesn't skimp on the baby oil does he?
Styles: He certainly looks riled up as he flexes his muscles and taunts XXXtreme Machine.
XXXtreme Machine: 1z 7H&t yUR 8re@sT/1!?!
SW: Did he just say breast?!
Styles: I think that might have been a typo.
[Mr. Fantastic climbs into the ring and walks right up to XXXtreme Machine so that both men are nose to nose.]
Styles: It looks like we're about to have a showdown!
[Mr. Fantastic flexes his biceps.]
XXXtreme Machine: fUKy0< vL4pht Ea$ 9la5et!ck~?
SW: This guy gets worse, he's starting to make retards look like Rhodes scholars.
[XXXtreme Machine hulks up the only way he knows how, and the audience becomes increasingly confused.]
Styles: The megapowers of muscle are facing off in that very ring tonight!
SW: And you're turning into Mark Shill!
Styles: You have to for a bodybuilding face off.
Mr. Fantastic: XXXtreme Machine... you will be wiped out!
Styles: Mr. Fantastic with a big right hand knocks XXXtreme Machine down on his ass! Now he's flexing his pectorals and abs as XXXtreme pulls himself back to his feet.
XXXtreme Machine: (_) s0m uV t=H 3icTh''!
Styles: XXXtreme Machine with a right of his own, but Mr. Fantastic just stares at him with increasingly widening eyes.
SW: Where the hell do we get jobbers this bad?
Styles: XXXtreme Machine with another big right hand that turns Fantastic's head. He slowly looks back, his pupils as sharp as an eagle's and an evil looking grin on his face.
SW: Somebody get me a pair of sunglasses, how many coats of whitener did he use on those things?
Styles: XXXtreme Machine tries a left this time but Mr. Fantastic just starts walking around the ring shaking his arms about.
SW: I knew it, I'm surrounded by morons.
Styles: XXXtreme Machine goes for a right again but Mr. Fantastic blocks it and points his finger at him. He puts on a pair of sunglasses and does a bit of pop lockin' with his arms before knocking XXXtreme flat on his back with a big side elbow. He makes the cover. 1, 2, 3, NO! XXXtreme Machine kicked out at the last second!
SW: Somebody mix me a drink or roll me a joint. Hell, give me some glue to take the pain of this match away. Oh, wait, silly me…
Styles: Will you stop popping Vicodin! Those aren't candy.
SW: They're better than candy. Less calories.
Styles: Mr. Fantastic locks XXXtreme Machine in a sleeper hold with what he calls his 500 Megaton Pistons. Generic Ref holds up XXXtreme's arm and lets it go limp.
SW: YES! The match is over!
SW: Only one left!
Styles: Mr. Fantastic pretends XXXtreme Machine powers out of the hold and rolls out of the ring under the bottom rope, laying unconscious on the floor outside.
SW: You son of a bitch!
Styles: Mr. Fantastic slowly climbs back into the ring and drags XXXtreme Machine to his feet. He tucks his own head underneath XXXtreme's arm and makes him DDT him. He pulls one of his arms over him. 1, 2, Mr. Fantastic kicks out.
SW: Somebody give me a gun, I can't take much more of this.
Styles: Mr. Fantastic recovers from the impact and starts strutting around the ring and shaking his arms again. He lifts XXXtreme Machine back up and hits him with multiple jabs before letting him drop back to the floor. He grabs his legs and turns him over into a Boston crab.
SW: That's it ref, you stupid mofo, he's out cold!
GR: Do you give up XXXtreme?
XXXtreme Machine: ...
GR: I think he's finished Mr. Fantastic.
Styles: Mr. Fantastic swings XXXtreme Machine around until he hits the ropes.
GR: OK, break the hold!
SW: Dammit, you tubby piece of…crap, one of these days I swear.
Styles: Mr. Fantastic lifts XXXtreme up once more and elevates him on his shoulder before dropping him down with a backdrop suplex.
Mr. Fantastic: Oh!
Styles: SPLASH! That's his move! Mr. Fantastic makes the cover. 1, 2, 3!
KF: Here is your winner. Mr. Fantastic.
Styles: Well fans, we are off and running on iMPLOSION, and up next—
PA: Kill me with a beat.
Styles: Hold on. What's this?
["Do You Call My Name" plays, and the crowd instantly begins to boo like mad. The Hierarchy's power couple of Axl and Rose make their way through the curtains, with Steve Roydz not too far behind.]
Wes Rivers: Hello sports fans, Wes Rivers here! The Hierarchy Announce Desk has been set up for this special occasion, as Axl has promised to make a VERY special announcement, right here in Sin City!
Rex Winters: He's the boss of the Hierarchy, but sometimes... you kinda wonder who's REALLY wearin' the pants in that relationship, if you know what I mean.
Wes Rivers: Well, our esteemed leader has entered the ring, and is holding the hand of his lover. Let's hear what he has to say...
[Axl has Rose's hand in one of his, and a microphone in the other, and TRIES to speak... but as he does, the crowd's catcalls simply grow louder.]
Axl: Can you people PLEASE shut the hell up?!
Axl: Jesus Christ, you'd think at least some of you would have the common decency... or at least the common SENSE, to zip your fuggin' lip!
Rose: Axl, will you hurry it up?
Axl: Fine, fine... Rose... I was asked by Garth Vader to make a decision. And I've made it. I stand here now to tell you... You're the only thing that matters in my world. I'd die for you. I'd... I'd tumble for ya.
Rose: Quoting Culture Club? And you say you're not gay.
[Axl shifts nervously... he forces a smile.]
Axl: Rose... my only goal in life is to make you happy...
[Axl kneels down before Rose... reaches into his pocket, and procures a ring. Rose's eyes widen a bit, as she ponders what's occurring.]
Rose: Axl... do you mean...
Axl: Rose... would you marry-
["The Imperial March" begins to play, and Garth Vader emerges, flanked by Dollar-Store Troopers. He lifts a fist, before motioning for the chubby guards to halt. Garth stands for a moment... Axl has dropped the diamond ring, grabbed a microphone, and is yelling to Garth that he's already made his decision... When Garth actually begins to remove his helmet.]
Wes Rivers: Wow, folks! It looks as though Garth Vader may finally reveal to the world his true identity!!!
Rex Winters: My money's on Rick Moranis. Either that, or Al Perez.
Wes Rivers: Huh?
Rex Winters: Never mind.
[Axl and Rose continue to stare at Garth... until, from out of the blue, Viruz runs in from behind and spins Rose around. He's just about to strike her, when Axl grabs Rose out of harm's way. Axl, still holding Rose's hand, eyes Vi...]
Axl: You sorry son-of-a-bitch. Don't you know? You can't lay a finger on a woman! ... Only I can do that!
Wes Rivers: OH MY GOD!!!!~! Axl just dropped Rose with the Sinister Slice! Axl's girlfriend... ex? Either way, she's out cold!
Rex Winters: I can't believe this... After "proposing," Axl just did the unthinkable! Rose is literally coughing up blood from that sharp and sudden move! But... I'm still compelled to cheer for our leader! Go Axl!
[Axl kneels over the fallen body of Rose, as he sneers wickedly, nearly frothing at the mouth. Viruz stands behind him, patting him on the shoulder...]
Axl: I HAVE made my decision. And my decision is that my career... my success, takes precedent over anything else. And the very thing that was holding me back was the very same thing that was making me feel inferior... the thing that made me question if I even truly was a man at all. That thing... was Rose. But now? Now I've found another woman...
["My Michelle" hits on the PA system, as the fans are shocked, and so are the Hierarchy announcers.]
Wes Rivers: You've GOTTA be kidding me! Axl... Michelle? It couldn't be!
Rex Winters: But it is, baby! Michelle is in the Hierarchy, and a New Horizon truly has arrived!
Axl: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Michelle... my girlfriend, for the past MONTH!
Wes Rivers: He's been hiding it from us for that long?!
Rex Winters: And more importantly, he's hidden it from Rose! But now the cat's out of the bag! Of course, there's not that much Rose can do about it now, heheh!
[As Michelle steps into the ring, Axl takes her in his arms, and standing right above the still unconcious Rose, the two share a big, fat, sloppy kiss. As they break the liplock, Axl smiles, and looks toward the fans.]
Axl: How's that for "gay"?!
[Axl motions Viruz to grab Rose off the ground, and after he does, he hooks Axl's former girlfriend by the arms... Axl, with arm over Michelle's shoulder, begins to speak to the barely conscious Rose...]
Axl: Remember when you found me on MySpace, and you thought I was going to choose 'Gay' as my orientation? Well, I KNOW why it took so long for you to join me in the bedroom! It wasn't because you were having second thoughts about peeing in my mouth! It was because you were taking a glance at what I HAD chosen for my orientation. Well, you ever wonder why it was on 'not sure'? Huh? Well Rose, it was because after all the *BEEP* you put me through, not only over the past couple of months since I dropped Tifa, but even BEFORE Tifa... well, I just couldn't handle it. You made me feel like less of a man, Rose. You made me feel like I couldn't even handle my own day to day tasks without you guiding me like a *BEEP*ing puppet on a string! Hell, after everything, I'd rather be with TIFA than you! At least she treated me with a bit of respect... a shred of dignity.
Axl: But you? You made me feel like slime, Rose. You have been, and you did back when we were first together. Back in the GwarTellica days. You may have been a bit more subdued, sure... You may have let me stand on my own two feet, I'll give you that much. But Rose, the fact remains that day in, day out, you sucked the life out of me through your constant bitching and moaning! You griped about how I played the guitar. You griped about how I sang. You griped about how I ate, how I dressed, how I snored at night! You want the truth, Rose? You want the TRUTH? You can't even HANDLE the truth! Because the truth is, everything I hated about my relationship with you? That's what led me down the path to self-hate... to the point where I went from a fun loving hair metal lover, to a depressed emo. But Rose... thanks to you? I now have a woman that not only accepts me for ME... but LOVES me for it. She loooves ego, Rose. She loves a guy that wears grungy clothes. And most importantly? She doesn't force me to be the WOMAN IN THE RELATIONSHIP!!!
Axl: A month ago, to the DAY, I stared back at a cardboard cutout of Kurt Cobain... I felt the pain he endured. Not by the media... but by that SLUT Courtney Love! She dragged him down, Rose... just as you have I. But it's time... It's time. Not Hammer Time, nor Vader Time, not even Cryme Tyme! It's time that I put you to rest... and began my ascension towards the very pinnacle of this company! I AM the best there is going today, and Michelle gives me the opportunity, as well as the encouragement, to actually BECOME that pinnacle. You... unfortunately never did. As Garth made it so plainly clear to me, to succeed in this business... you SHOULD have skill. You CAN have talent, or ability. But to be TRULY successful? And more importantly... evil? You MUST, without a shadow of a doubt, have POWER. And my Michelle IS that power... that SUPERIOR Power! Together, we shall RULE BoB, with an iron fist, and no one will be able to stop us... not Trey Vincent, not Seth Harker, not even BigBOSS! And as for you Rose? Well, you're just a piece of garbage anyway. Dispose of her, bro.
[Viruz spins Rose around and hits the Fatal Error, a flipping Rock Bottom. He then rips Rose off the canvas and tosses her to Steve, who flattens her with a nasty powerbomb, before pulling her back to her feet. With Rose barely even able to stand, she's thrown to Axl, who grabs her by the arms... allowing for Michelle to hock back a loogie, before spitting right in poor Rose's face. Michelle then brings her head in close to Rose's...]
Michelle: Sorry bitch... tough luck, I guess?
[Michelle then reels back, and slaps the taste from Rose's mouth. Michelle grabs Rose by the hair, and finally decides to toss her over the top rope, sending her splatting against the outside mat. Axl smiles, as do Steve, Vi, and the NEW Queen of the Hierarchy, Michelle. Axl reaches down to the mat and picks up the ring he had dropped... the one he pretended to put on Rose's finger. He then slips it gingerly on Michelle's lovely finger, before giving her a peck on the cheek. Michelle hugs Axl, and hands him the microphone. Amidst a sea of booing, jeering, catcalls, and thrown trash, Axl begins to speak one last time.]
Axl: As they say, where one door closes, another opens. While iMPLOSION may be taking a break for a while following UnFOURgiven, don't fret! Because I've been in talks with someone very, VERY close to myself... my mom! Yes, my mother, Sue Bastian Bach, who is in fact the Vice President in Charge of Everything at a little network called [adult swim]! As I'm her favorite son - [Viruz looks at Axl with a look on his face] - Er, well, second favorite -
Viruz: She only has two, Axl!
Axl: ANNNYWAY... As I was saying, mom has given the Hierarchy a one and a half hour slot, right after Aqua Teen Hunger Force, to run a show of its own, under the Brawlers On a Budget banner! I'm continuing an old program BOB used to run back in 2004... a show run by some guy named Vince something-or-other? Anyway, it shall be called, as it was back then, WWE - We Win Everything! I've already amassed a full roster of members, which includes XXXTreme Machine, the Snapmare Kid, Little Good, Duke Thompson, and Mr. Fantastic. The show will serve as both a proving ground for new members of the BOB roster, as well as a place for the wars that transpire here on iMPLOSION to continue to... uh... transpire. ... The show will have two titles: The WWE Title, as well as the Applecore Title! And in celebration of our country's Independence, the first Applecore Champion shall be crowned via a 22-man, "4th of July Deathmatch" at UnFOURgiven! The rules are simple. The ring area will be decorated all 4th-of-July-like, and all 22-men will begin on the outside of the ring. The first eight men to climb inside the ring will then compete in an over the top battle royale, with the last two men left standing duking it out for the fantastic Applecore title, in a falls count anywhere match!
Axl: It's time to shake things up around here! ... Just thought I'd say that, in case they use it for commercial footage. :-P Either way, the Hierarchy's on its way to the top... whether you people like it or not!
["Do You Call My Name" hits, and Axl, Michelle, Steve and Viruz raise their hands in the air, as the audience showers the ring with garbage.]
Wes Rivers: Axl has dropped Rose, and his new girlfriend is none other than the Superior Power - Michelle!
Rex Winters: And our benevolent leader has revealed plans for his very own BoB program! Business has just picked up!
Styles: I'm in shock, Scotty.
SW: Yeah, I'm shocked I stayed awake through that whole segment. You know, this Vicodin is great. It even dulls the pain of all things Axl.
Styles: Well, now we know why Axl got into that Beer in the Belly match, even though he already held the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. He had Michelle pulling the strings behind the scenes as the Superior Power. But who is Garth Vader? We may never know...
["Rising Sun" by Bexta plays. Seth Harker begins his second slow-motion entrance of the night.]
KF: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your REAL main event. If Seth loses, he goes on to the Beer in the Belly Ladder Match at UnFOURgiven as a replacement for Mr. Paradox. If Seth wins, he goes on to the Beer in the Belly Ladder Match at UnFOURgiven as Mr. Paradox's replacement. If somebody pins Seth, that person goes on to replace The Great in the ladder match, since he's now in the main event. Um. What happens if SMP wins later tonight?
Styles: Good question!
SW: Ahh! Trey, quit yelling in my ear! *Ahem* Of course, Trey WILL win, so Kay is a dumb blonde with red hair. What? That doesn't even make sense!
KF: Anyway. From Parts Unknown. He weighs 217 pounds. The Darksider Seth Harker!
SW: Wow, did you know Seth is only two years old?
Styles: He is not! He's obviously, um, around 30?
SW: According to his bio, his life began two years ago. His mom must've been a fat pig by her 123rd trimester!
Styles: That's just silly. Plus, his bio hasn't been updated in a couple years. He probably believes his life began about six years ago by now.
SW: Issues. Maybe he was just born in slow motion? Maybe it took him so long to be born that he grew up during the 300,000 hour delivery?
Styles: You've really gotta stop popping all those Vicodin.
SW: Oh, why don't you go become BOBwrestling's Webmaster and leave me alone.
KF: And his opponents.
[A gigantic mass of noise plays.]
KF: At a combined weight of a LOT. From a lot of different places. They are…Axl. Coma. Death. Dr. Thrilla. Düff. The Swiss Army champion, The Great. Hallucination Boy. Insano Mano. Kamikazie Ken. Kurt Angel. Little Good. Luke Warm. Mr. Paradox. Pete Trable. "The Shizzle" Duke Thompson. Snapmare Kid. Steve Roydz. And Viruz.
SW: Hold on. Why are The Great and Mr. Paradox in this match? They're in the main event!
Caption: PLOT HOLE 742 OF 1,438,018 FOUND!
SW: WOOHOO! I'm the ruler of "Grand Theft Braincells IV."
Styles: Scotty, we just call the action, we don't write it.
SW: Yeah. Then it might make some kind of sense.
Styles: We've got the bell. Hold on.
The Great: The Great can't take anymore!
Styles: We've already got a brawl?
SW: Oh man! Check this out! The Great and Axl are beating on each other. What caused this?
Styles: I don't know. But The Great and Axl have had some history with The Great turning Pete Trable against the Hierarchy, and The Great and Axl had a memorable street fight…when was that?
Styles: And check this out! Now Pete Trable and Düff are getting into it! These two men are scheduled to collide at UnFOURgiven. This didn't take long. We've got chaos out here. Somebody, get Smart!
SW: Oh, don't even TALK about that retard Steve Carell and the remake of "Get Smart." Don Adams' ghost should beat Steve Carell with a go-go gadget 'brella every night for the rest of his life!
Styles: Kurt Angel and Viruz are squaring off. These two men are scheduled to Enter the Vortex at UnFOURgiven!
SW: What are the odds that all these guys who are booked against each other would end up in a gigantic brawl a week before the On-Demand?
Styles: The odds are staggering! Except Mr. Paradox and The Great are not brawling. Perhaps Paradox wants to make sure Dr. Thrilla gets into that match and he's going to do everything he possibly can to make it happen. The Great is brawling with Axl up the aisle. Both men slugging it out. Trable and Düff are fighting through the audience. I'm not even sure where Kurt and Viruz got to. I lost track of them.
SW: Quit popping pills, Styles. It's starting to affect your work!
Styles: Please! Hey, Scotty. There's Steve Roydz. Why don't you go fight with him and get your revenge?
SW: I would. But…I'm far too important to the announce team. That's the real reason my neck hurts. I've been carrying your sorry ass for so long, it weakened my entire spinal column! And, hello? In a wheelchair and a neck brace.
Kay Fabe: Generic Ref has ruled that The Great, Axl, Viruz, Kurt Angel, Pete Trable and Düff have been eliminated!
Styles: Spinning heel kick takes down Little Good! Cover! One! Two! Three? HEGOTHIM?
Kay Fabe: Little Good has been eliminated!
LG: Bloody hell! That move shouldn't have worked!
SW: It's a multiple-man match. Normal move suddenly are like finishers in these types of matches and you get worn out after about 10 seconds. Didn't he know?
Styles: He must not have got the memo. But he's still got a lot of tough competition to deal with. And Snapmare Kid.
SW: Death is in! Oh boy. And the crowd is booing Death.
Styles: Death charges. Harker with a boot to the midsection. Harker Driver '08! No! Seth couldn't hold up Death.
SW: Why not? Is he big boned or something?
Styles: Seth kicked out at two. Death putting the bony feet to Harker. Sideslam by Death! And there's a tag to Kamikazie Ken!
Styles: OH my GOD! You killed Ken!
Insano Mano: ¡Usted híbrido!
Death: My bad.
KF: Kamikazie Ken has been eliminated!
[Death extends a hand to Mano.]
Death: Oh, right. Forgot.
KF: Insano Mano has been eliminated.
Styles: BONECUTTER! BONECUTTER! BONECUTTER! Luke Warm just BONECUTTERed Death! Seth makes the cover? One! Two! Three! HEGOTHIM!
SW: No way!
KF: Death has been eliminated!
Styles: Again by Luke Warm. Man, you'd think we were building to some sort of Death/Luke Warm feud or something.
SW: Ya think?
Styles: STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER! STONECUTTER!
SW: What? Snapmare Kid just tagged himself in?
Styles: Oh no! Somebody call Snapmare Kid's parents. They're gonna have to ID a body! STONECUTTER on SMK!
[SMK bounces up like a tennis ball, bounces off the ropes, and…]
[SMK bounces up like a tennis ball again, bounces off the ropes again, and…]
SW: That's believable…
[SMK bounces off the ropes, stands unmoving for several seconds, falls to the mat, jerking up and down like he's being shocked repeatedly with hospital paddles, gets back up, does a Flair flop, rolls over on his back, puts his feet straight up in the air for a few seconds, gets onto his knees and crawls around in a circle grabbing his jaw, just as The Flunky puts a bucket into the ring. SMK tips over one last time and kicks it.]
SW: Has SMK been going to wrestling school in San Antonio again?
Styles: Let's see what our judges have to say.
[Steve Roydz holds up 9.1 card; Thompson holds up a 9.3 card; Coma holds up a 3.14159265358979323846 card; Hallucination Boy holds up a 1.6180339887 card; Thrilla has shredded his card with his bear trap teeth and spits it in SMK's general direction; Paradox has stabbed his card with his Samurai sword.]
Styles: Harker with a roll up from behind on Warm! One! Two! Three! HEGOTHIM! Roydz is in and…attacking Luke Warm?
SW: What's with Hallucination Boy and Coma's cards? Were they just scribbling?
Styles: I may be mistaken, but I think Coma's card is the number of Pi.
SW: Mmmm. Pie.
Styles: Not pie. Pi!
SW: I don't follow.
Styles: I'm not surprised. Now Roydz is finally attacking his opponent.
SW: I may be confused, but who is Roydz impersonating this week.
Styles: I'm not sure. Do you smell magic marker? Hey, where did that whiteboard come from?
SW: The symptoms never lie. Jobber, jobber, jobber…think, Scotty! Wait, I just got it. He sucks really bad. So, he must be doing his Chavo impersonation this week!
Styles: Ah. He's playing it subtle. Oooh, Seth just nailed him with that kick. Roydz is down. Harker quickly up top. Shooting Seth press! One! Two! Three! HEGOTHIM!
SW: Matt Striker!
Styles: Ahhh, that's it. Good call, Scotty. STONECUTTER on Roydz! I thought Luke left!
SW: Obviously, he didn't. Unless that's a Luke Warm impersonator. Which it obviously is.
Styles: No, that's the REAL Luke Warm, I swear! Even though he hasn't ranted since his return at MegaBrawl, I'm SURE it's the real Luke Warm.
SW: Hey, Snapmare Kid's finally back up.
SW: Never mind. Can somebody PLEASE get Luke out of here? He's hogging the spotlight again.
Seth: Luke Warm sucks, neep!
LW: Which sorry summmmmmmmmmmmmbitch said that?
[Seth points at Coma.]
Styles: STONECUTTER on Coma! One! Two! Three! Coma is gone.
[Luke resumes stomping on Snapmare Kid.]
Seth: Luke Warm sucks. TRAIN!
LW: Who said that?
[Seth points at Hallucination Boy--]
[Who dives off the apron and lands on the floor with a thud.]
Styles: And Luke is going after Hallucination Boy now! He throws Hallucination Boy back into the ring. STONECUTTER! Seth with a cover! One, two, three. Hallucination Boy is gone.
Seth: (Bad Austrian accent) Look Warm sucks ze balls!
LW: Who said that?
[Seth points at Duke Thompson.]
Styles: And, another STONECUTTER.
Styles: Ever feel like the writer's get lazy with Luke Warm's character?
Styles: One, two, three. Seth has just eliminated Duke Thompson.
SW: Hey, Roydz is back. Is that a gun?
Styles: Oh dear lord.
Styles: Warm has just been netted!
SW: Oh man. It's the fishing net of mild inconvenience!
LW: Get this net off me or I'll glare at you!
[Roydz drags Warm away.]
SW: Throw him off a cliff while you're at it. His act is staler than a popcorn fart.
Styles: Oh, gross, Scotty!
SW: Had to prove my point. Bwahahaha!
Styles: Nightbringer on the already decimated Snapmare Kid. One. Two and three.
SW: Yeah, Seth isn't at ALL corrupted. Putting himself over everyone on the roster in one match?
Styles: I'm sure Trey wishes he had thought of it first.
SW: He did! This was Trey's idea!
Styles: Oh, right. And Thrilla and Paradox are double-teaming Harker! And the fans are loving these heelish tactics.
SW: Studnuts is here! Death Valley (Of the Sun) Driver on Mr. Paradox. And I think he just made a stupid dick joke as an exclamation point!
Styles: Paradox and Studnuts will be in the main event of UnFOURgiven. The iAd is sticking together here. But Thrilla just speared the crap out of Studs! Generic Ref has called for the DQ. Oh, man!
KF: Ladies and gentlemen, due to outside interference, the winners of the match are Mr. Thrilla and Dr. Paradox. Or whatever their names are. So Thrilla will be in the Beer in the Belly Match at UnFOURgiven, live July 5th on BOB On-Demand! Order now!
SW: Yikes. We're going for the hard sell tonight, aren't we?
Styles: Thrilla hits Exploratory Surgery on Harker! This fight is STILL going on. Fans, don't you dare go away! Up next. Kevin the Pyromaniac. Trey Vincent. Dr. Silaconne M. Plants. Triple threat match. The winner goes on to the main event at UnFOURgiven!
KF: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your iMPLOSION main event, and it is for one-half of the Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team titles!
KF: Keep the editorial comments to yourself, Trey.
["Enter Kevin" by Vietallica hits. The crowd responds with a mix of boos and cheers for BOB's hardcore-icon-in-training. Guess he still has a few more rounds to go with Kamikazie Ken and Insano Mano, eh? The camera pans around the ballroom, looking to get a glimpse of Kevin. Finally, it finds him, standing on top of a chair holding a burning Singapore cane. He pulls out a can of lighter fluid from his jean pocket, guzzles it, then blows a fireball using the cane. Kevin then spits out the lighter fluid into the crowd.]
Fan: Ahhh! Ahhh! It burns! It burns!
[Kevin then proceeds to smash the lighter fluid can against his head and falls out of camera range for a few seconds. When he drags himself back up, his head is busted open and he's a little wobbly trying to get through the crowd and to ringside.]
KF: Introducing challenger number one. He hails from Stinking Bay, Arkansas, and weighs 82 pounds, this is Kevin the Pyromaniac!
Styles: This is going to be one heated main event.
SW: Why, because Kevin's going to set himself on fire repeatedly?
Styles: Well, that, and Kevin and Trey were teammates for several months. Kevin took Trey's betrayal very hard.
SW: Yeah. It was almost like Trey pulled out Kevin's hard and hit it with a flaming barbed wire baseball bat. Totally Shakespeare. I assume. I've never read any Shakespeare.
Styles: I don't remember Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou flaming baseball bat when I was in school.
SW: Did you even go to class? I guess we know one child who was left behind.
["Smooth Operator" by Sade hits. Boos from the crowd as Plants steps out and stares straight ahead at the ring.]
KF: Introducing challenger number two. From Naples, Italy, he weighs in tonight at XXX pounds. Dr. Silaconne M. Plants!
SW: XXX pounds? Somebody's Internet must've been down when he was writing this show.
Styles: What are you talking about? Fans, last week, Nurse Heidi was on the receiving end of a fishermanbuster from Trey Vincent.
SW: Yeah. Plants got some head from Heidi, but it sure wasn't the kind he was hoping for. It was the top of her head being driven into his chest.
Styles: Not to mention, Plants was left a bloody mess from repeated punches. Plants, and Kevin, both have a score to settle, with this man…
["Not All Who Wander Are Lost" by DevilDriver hits. The crowd cheers as Trey Vincent steps out, holding his title out in his right hand as his arms are out like a lowercase T. Trey smiles toward his two opponents in the ring and then raises his arms into the shape of a V, and then heads toward the ring. He's wearing a shirt that reads "Mr. Paradox Has A Bloody Vagina" for some reason.]
KF: And now, introducing the champion. He is one half of the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team champions, he weighs 265 pounds and hails from Sin City, by way of Minneapolis, Minnesota. This is The Vice President in Charge of Everything, Trey Vincent!
Styles: Oh, there's another piece of this puzzle we haven't even covered up until now, Scotty. And that is Mr. Paradox's slicing of the Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team championship.
SW: Yeah, it's almost like everything before this point was written BEFORE the fit hit the shan in the Rant Zone.
Styles: *Ahem* Paradox has apparently rejected the tag title, but Trey Vincent is forcing Paradox to remain in his spot at UnFOURgiven in the main event for some reason.
SW: Punishment job?
Styles: I guess we'll have to wait and see what Trey has in store for Mr. Paradox. But Vincent may not even be Paradox's tag team partner by the end of this match. It could be Kevin, or it could be SMP!
SW: Oh, come on. SMP is old and Kevin will probably end up getting pinned by his own cane. Trey's got this one easy. Plus, I hear he has some pull in the front office.
Styles: *Sigh* And here we go! Plants jumps on Vincent, and this one is underway! Plants and Vincent just hitting each other's faces as if they were nothing more than pillows. Kevin charges, but Trey and SMP just take him out with a double punch combo.
SW: Plants is out for revenge. What better way to avenge the woman he secretly lusts after than by beating the guy who fishermanbusted her in a match with a predetermined outcome?
SW: Oh, hey, Kay. Forgot you were out here.
KF: Don't make me hit you with a broomstick.
SW: Don't make ME run over your foot with my wheelchair. I'm crippled!
KF: You're a buttface!
Styles: Keep an eye on Kevin. His boots are on fire. And he just hotfoot stomped on Plants's right foot and Trey's left foot! And that got their attention.
SW: Anybody have any marshmallows?
Styles: Double flaming dropkick! And thankfully, The Flunky puts out Kevin with a fire extinguisher. Another dropkick for Plants. And a seated dropkick right to Trey's face.
SW: I hope Trey's eyebrows are OK. Those boots might still be hot.
Styles: Kevin looking for revenge against the man he idolized for so long. Kevin's got his cane. And he just DDTed the cane onto Trey's head! Oh my GOD! And here comes an EXTREME camel clutch from Kevin using the Singapore cane for added pain! Plants off the ropes and kicks Kevin right in the face. Damn!
SW: Plants can't win this, can he? If HE gets in the main event of UnFOURgiven, we all know that it'll come down to either The Great or Steve Studnuts since SMP is the ultimate choker, and Paradox has no shot of ever holding another title after next Saturday.
Styles: SMP is due to win. John Elway never won a Super Bowl until he was 36. But he was still one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time. And he still would've been one of the best if he had never won the big one. What about Dan Marino?
Styles: Oh, come on!
SW: Styles, what records will Plants break? Most chokes in title matches? Most failed heelish plots? Most bladejobs? The options are pretty limited.
KF: Scotty! Ixnay on the adejobsblay!
SW: OK, Orehay!
SW: The w is silent in Pig Latin, isn't it?
Styles: Can we please focus on the match?
SW: Why start now?
Styles: Because Kevin's up top with a OH MY GOD! FLAMING ARABIAN PRESS on Trey and SMP!
SW: SMP just got BBQd!
[Flunky sprays Kevin with the fire extinguisher again.]
Styles: Cover on Trey! One! Two! No! Vincent kicked out! Cover on Plants! One! Two! No. That slight delay of Flunky putting Kevin out may have cost him.
SW: Are you saying Trey paid off the Flunky?
Styles: I wasn't. But…now I'm starting to wonder…
SW: It would be a smart move on Trey's part. It's not like Trey has any morals or anything. That's why I admire him so much.
Styles: Kevin charges toward Trey, and a crossbody misses. And Trey just OBLITERATED Kevin with that kick to the face!
Styles: And Trey tosses Kevin to the floor. Plants charges at Vincent, but Vincent saw him coming and just sent Plants flying over the top rope and down onto Kevin! Now what? Don't tell me we're about to see a suicide dive from Trey?
[The crowd stands, anticipating as Trey waits on Plants and Kevin to get up in Approved Jump-On-Us Position®.]
Styles: Trey's off the ropes!
[Trey stops, rolls his eyes, and shakes his head "no." The fans give him a standing ovation for the non-dive.]
SW: Brilliant! Like Trey would risk hurting himself for these stupid fans!
Styles: Trey slides out to the floor now. Clothesline on Plants. Trey tosses Kevin back inside. Vincent charges at Kevin, but runs right into a dropkick that sends Trey into the corner. Kevin's digging into his jeans. He's got a glove.
SW: Make that a flaming glove.
Styles: Kevin heads to the corner.
Crowd: One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Seven! Eight! Nine! Ten!
Styles: Ten flaming fists of fury!
SW: That would be a good name for a movie.
Styles: Plants has Kevin! Scalpel's Edge connects!
[Flunky sprays Kevin with the fire extinguisher again. SMP gets caught in the crossfire. BWAHAHAHA! Get it? Cross FIRE! I made a funny! OK, it wasn't that funny. Back to the match…]
Styles: One! Two and no! Once again, The Flunky may have been the difference in this match. The Flunky's on the take.
SW: Can you blame him? He works HERE! He needs the money. And hey, here's an idea. How about blaming the kid who keeps setting himself on fire! Hey, if Great White's looking for a new band member, here's your guy.
Styles: I think Kevin's too hardcore for Great White's music. Trey's got SMP. Overhead spinebuster on Plants. What an impact on SMP's spine there. Trey picks up Plants again. Oh no! Fishermanbuster coming up for Plants! Wouldn't this just be fitting?
SW: It'd be even better if Heidi was laying on that mat so he could drive SMP's head into Heidi's naked boobies.
Styles: Scotty, that's terrible!
SW: But it'd be a great visual.
Styles: You need help.
SW: I need more Vicodin.
Styles: Hold on, Kevin's back in. He just slapped Trey! Trey drops Plants and is chasing after Kevin now. They're running around in circles. Plants sticks out a leg and trips Kevin. And Trey can't stop himself in time either. COVER! ONE! TWO! NO! Trey kicked out after that rollup came out of nowhere. Trey charges and hits a Lou Thesz press. And now Trey's just choking Plants. This thing is deeply personal. Plants with a thumb to Trey's eye breaks the choke.
SW: C'mon, Trey. Kill Victor Kiriakis already! Do what Ernesto Toscano couldn't! And what does Trey exactly have against Plants?
Styles: There must be something. Why else would he attack Heidi and screw him over repeatedly this year when it came to the Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Titles. Do you not remember how he abused his power when he was teaming with Kevin against Plants and Luke Warm?
SW: I thought he just did that because Luke didn't rant?
Styles: Plants runs into a powerslam. One. Two and no! SMP kicked out again before the three. Fujiwara armbar locked on now! Trey wants to make Plants tap. Plants trying to inch his way to the ropes and get the break.
SW: C'mon, Flunky. Pull the ropes away. Or spray Plants with the fire extinguisher. Help the boss out!
Styles: SMP got the bottom rope. And Trey is forced to break the hold, but he waited until five to break it. Vincent arguing with Generic Ref. He walks right into a boot. He's got him! MED DEGREE! Med Degree connects! But Plants can't make the cover! Both men are flat on their backs.
SW: Uh oh. You know who isn't flat on his back? Kevin.
Styles: His boots are on fire. OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! Double Pyromaniac's Way? He hit the flaming foot stomp on Plants, then bounced right off his stomach and onto Trey's! And the Flunky is spraying everyone again! Sonofabitch! Now all three men are down.
SW: Kevin's crawling toward his cane. Here comes the cane!
*CRACK* *CRACK* *CRACK* *CRACK* *CRACK* *CRACK* *CRACK* *CRACK* *SNAP*
Styles: He just busted that cane over SMP's skull. But both Trey Vincent and Silaconne M. Plants felt the wrath of the cane. And both of them are wearing the crimson mask. He's got Trey set up. Oh no! He's dousing the back of his shirt in lighter fluid.
Styles: FLAMING SWANTON BOMB!
[HUGE pop from the crowd!]
Styles: Damnit! Flunky sprayed him again!
SW: Yeah, how dare Flunky stop his skin from melting. Boooo!
Styles: Kevin's working on his knee pad now with the lighter fluid. We may be about to see Trey Go 2 Hell! SMP grabs him from behind! Nipple Cutter! Blocked! Kevin gets him up. But his knee isn't on fire!
Kevin: Generic Ref! Hold him for a second?
GR: What? No!
Kevin: Hold him, tubby!
GR: *Sigh* Fine.
SW: OK. I've NEVER seen this before. Kevin just put SMP on Generic Ref? I must be hallucinating. TRAIN!
Styles: Kevin's having trouble getting his knee pad lit. There it goes! Kevin takes SMP back onto his shoulder. SMP slips out. NIPPLE CUTTER! COVER! ONE! TWO! THREE! HEGOTHIM!
Styles: Plants wins! Plants wins! Plants wins!
KF: Here's your winner, and NEEWWWWW, half of the Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team Champions, Dr. Silaconnnnnnnnne M. Plants!
SW: I think her "n" key got stuck.
KF: Oh, that does it. There's a stairwell with your name on it, mister!
Styles: What a moment for…Hey! Steve Studnuts is in the ring!
SW: I think he's about to present Plants with his new tag title.
Styles: Yeah, right to the face! Oh man! Studnuts just blasted Plants with the title he just won.
SW: And how about Studnuts, kicking EVERYONE's ass tonight? Plants is one title closer to figuring out the whole deal with Heidi and Studnuts.
Styles: But more importantly, Scotty, he's one step away from becoming the winner of the Grand Slam tournament! Fans, it's The Great and Steve Studnuts vs. Dr. Silaconne M. Plants and Mr. Paradox. The Beer in The Belly Ladder Match. Jerri Li vs. Nikki Mantle for the T&A XX Division Title. And so much more.
Caption: ©2008 BOB Wrestling!
Styles: It's UnFOURgiven. BOB-On-Demand! Don't you dare miss it! For Scotty Whatbody, I'm Styles saying—
Styles: What the hell was that?
SW: Holy crap! Trey just busted one of his skull canes over Kevin's skull!
Styles: We're out of time. This fight is going on. Order UnFOURgiven! Good night everybody!