["The Unforgiven" by Santa Claws and the Naughty But Nice Orchestra plays as we get highlights from the Grand Slam tournament from the last several weeks on iMPLOSION. Clips of Steve Studnuts losing the Swiss Army Belt to Dr. Thrilla, then returning at the Royal Flush Rumble, then defeating Sarah "The Jobber Slayer." Next up are clips of The Great defeating Seth Harker, clips from the Royal Flush Rumble, and finally The Great defeating Dr. Thrilla for the Swiss Army Belt. Onto clips of Mr. Paradox defeating Snapmare Kid, competing in the Royal Flush Rumble, and being declared the winner along with Trey Vincent of the Not Good Enough To Fight Along Tag Titles. Then we get black and white clips of Paradox rejecting the title in his Rant. Then, it's onto Dr. Silaconne M. Plants clips, as he defeats Pete Trable, competes in the Royal Flush, and highlights of Trey Vincent fishermanbusting Heidi onto SMP. Finally, we see clips from the Trey vs. Kevin the Pyromaniac vs. SMP match, where SMP pinned Kevin to become the final man in the main event tonight.]
[Pyro! A cheering sold-out crowd! A ridiculous amount of signs! What? UnFOURgiven started? Fine, I'll do my job and stop watching WWE DVDs. *Ahem* Fade in on a poorly-lit, low-budget arena, surrounded by a few hundred fans. Yes, it's the historica Madison's Octagonal Arena in Coxsackie, New York.]
Styles: Hello everyone and welcome to Brawlers On a Budget's UnFOURgiven!
SW: We're in Cocksuckie, New York. And by the way…fuckshitassholecuntmotherfuckingcocksucker! Phew…I've been waiting to get that off my chest for weeks. Damn censoring on G5TV.
Styles: I'm sure George Carlin is looking up from hell and smiling.
SW: Oh! Styles?
Styles: Too soon?
SW: Yes it's too soon! Especially if I'm offended.
Styles: It's going to be a huge night here in Coxsackie, and they don't get any bigger than our main event. The Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team Champions Dr. Silaconne M. Plants and Mr. Paradox will square off against The ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS Steve Studnuts and the man who holds the Swiss Army Belt, The Great. Every title will be on the line. Four title belts, only one winner. But that's not all. We've also got Jerri Li challenging Nikki Mantle for the T&A XX Division Championship. Trey Vincent vs. Kevin the Pyromaniac in a street fight. One of the longest running rivalries in BOB is renewed as Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" and Death will do battle to see who the number one contender will be at next month's On-Demand event. And so much more. But up first—
["Rising Sun" by Bexta hits.]
Styles: It's Beer In the Belly ladder match time! Let's send it up to our guest ring announcer for the evening, Kay Fabe, who is filling in again this week for Nurse Heidi.
KF: Ladies and gentlemen, the opening contest is the Beer in the Belly Ladder Match! The winner of this match will receive a guaranteed six-pack of beer, which he can use at any time in the next year, or possibly earlier if the beer gets stale, to bribe the bookers into giving you an ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS match! Introducing first. He hails from Parts Unknown and weighs in at 217 pounds. Brawlers On a Budget's Acting BigBOSS, and the greatest, best wrestler Goddess has ever given man on the face of the Earth, The Darksider Seth Harker!
[Seth Harker steps out with the Medium-Sized Bucket® and pauses at the entryway with a microphone in hand. The crowd boos the Acting BigBOSS.]
Seth: Hold on, hold on. As a result of Dr. Silaconne M. Plants winning his way into the main event tonight, we now only have five guys for this match. Now, I've drank enough beer in my time to know that five beers doesn't make a six-pack. So that means we need a sixth man. So, I've put in a bunch of names into the Medium-Sized Bucket and will draw out one lucky person who isn't yet booked on tonight's show to compete in this match.
[Sudden ultra-zoom in to the top of the bucket, and then inside. Then, we get a funky "CSI" bucket point-of-view shot of Harker reaching his hand into the bucket in super slow-motion and fiddling around some rolled up balls of paper. Some thunderous sound effects are thrown in for good measure.]
SW: Hey, here's an idea. How about giving me a raise and not wasting money on these gimmicky camera tricks to make boring shit seem interesting!
Styles: Calm down, Scotty.
[Back to normal as Seth uncrumples a piece of paper.]
Seth: And, the sixth man will be…Shhhhhit.
SW: This being BOB, I have to ask: is Shit a new wrestler? Or does he mean Duke Thompson?
Seth: Kamikazie Ken.
[Big pop from the crowd! Right on cue, "Ride of the Valkryies" by Richard Wagner hits. Ken emerges on a bicycle…well, riding on the handlebars of a bicycle on top of a skateboard while wearing skis! There is a giant blast of rockets and the bicycle speeds off straight ahead, leaving Ken to topple off skis over head to the floor off the back of the bike. And did I mention his blue cape is on fire as a result of the rockets? Well, it is.]
SW: Oh man, is the bike OK?
Styles: Is the BIKE OK? What about Ken?
SW: I hope Kay's OK. She could've been hit by some flaming debris. Ken should be barred from this arena for life.
Styles: This match is going to be perfect for him. This is a ladder spotfest and a car wreck waiting to happen.
KF: Introducing next…
Pigeon: hello gentlemen. it's your honor to have me, i'm sure.
Pigeon: that's right, mikey styles. the boss is here.
SW: Who, Seth Harker?
Pigeon: no. me! pigeon! you know the deal. since trey vincent wouldn't allow wes rivers or that other guy out here to do commentary, i'm out here to give heel support to the Hierarchy.
["Free Bird (Entrance Music Edit)" by Lynyrd Skynyrd hits.]
SW: Who the hell is this?
KF: Steve "A.A.S." Roydz!
SW: I think Kay got the letters wrong. Shouldn't that be A.S.S.
Pigeon: that's very humorous, scotty. that must've taken you all of three seconds to think up. I think I'll call you smegma whatbody from now on.
[The crowd boos as Steve Roydz bounces out, wearing sunglasses, a blond wig, a brown beard, a long red sleeveless robe with the confederate flag on the back, black fingerless gloves, red tights and white boots. He gets up on the apron and repeatedly thrusts his index fingers at Kay Fabe and Seth Harker.]
Styles: Roydz is asking for the mic.
SR: I am more of a nigger than you are.
[Roydz headbutts Harker.]
Seth: Don't ever do that again.
Styles: Roydz is libel to be smacked down with a suspension if he keeps that type of language up!
SW: As if we couldn't already tell he was a racist by the giant confederate flag he's wearing.
["Mexican Hat Dance" by Arriba Brothers hits next. Not much of a reaction for the hardcore luchadore.]
KF: Introduciendo después, de Suicida, México, pesando adentro en 210 libras. Insano Mano!
SW: Hey, Pigeon. You know why Mexico doesn't have an Olympic team?
Pigeon: why, smegma?
SW: Because any Mexican that can run jump or swim is already in the U.S.!
Styles: Good lord. How many races can you possibly piss off in these ring intros?
SW: I've got some Chink jokes around here somewhere.
Pigeon: and you wonder why you were never hired by the wwe.
SW: Hey, pal, I worked for the WWF!
Pigeon: so did i.
SW: Yeah, but you were a huge jobber there.
Pigeon: and you were a second-rate color commentator.
Styles: It's amazing how little has changed since 1999, isn't it fans?
PA: Kill me with a beat.
Styles: Gladly what?
SW: I'll kill him with a beet once I get out of this wheelchair. I'll shove 'em down his throat until he stops annoying me by existing.
["Do You Call My Name" plays, and the crowd begins to boo like mad. Probably because they ARE mad that Axl's coming out. The Hierarchy's power couple of Axl and Michelle make their way through the curtains.]
Styles: The No Last Name Regime is here.
Pigeon: that's it, pop another vicodin. that'll make the suck that is your life bearable.
SW: Hey, Pigeon, how do you feel about this whole Axl-Michelle thing?
Pigeon: how do i feel about michelle being with Axl? it feels like i just puked my guts out, then somebody sucked up the vomit up into a bag, shoved a tube up my ass, gave me a vomit enema, then hung my legs over my head bugs bunny style until I shot diarrhea vomit straight up in a bloody brown stream that rained down all over my face. that's how it felt, smegma.
SW: Yeah. That's how I feel whenever I have to sit through an Axl promo.
[The crowd boos as "Under the Knife" by AC/DC hits. Though I have no idea how this is possible, or has been possible for the last few years, as there seems to be no record of this song existing.]
Styles: And this one's already under way before Thrilla can even get his introduction. Ken and Mano jumped Harker and are pounding him on the outside.
SW: Yeah. They're pounding him like the way no doubt Axl is pounding Michelle every night. No disrespect, Pigeon.
Pigeon: she must have an oversized clit. because we all know an oversized clit is one step away from a guy with an undersized chode. so sayeth randall mooby. whatever happened to him?
SW: He got fired.
Pigeon: such a shame. we used to pick up underage gash at his burger joint.
Styles: Thrilla with a tope con giro onto Harker, Ken and Mano! Oh my GOD! And that leaves Axl and Roydz alone in the ring. But Roydz is too busy doing a moonwalk to help Axl get the ladder set up and retrieve the briefcase full of beer.
SR: (To camera) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
SW: I think Roydz hails from Jobber Street. You know, the street with the worst wrestlers in the whole U.S.A.? And the further down the block you go, the worse it gets.
Pigeon: just wait, scotty. you'll get your comeuppance. maybe when steve becomes big show.
SW: Yeah. I'll bet he comes up with a really creative parody, like Shig Bow! And I bet Roydz does absolutely nothing different than the guy he's supposed to be parodying.
Styles: Scotty, you better calm down.
SW: What's am I gonna do? Get put in a wheelchair? Oh wait. I already AM in a wheelchair thanks to that dick!
Styles: Axl looking for a suicide dive! No! Thrilla just blasted him with a chair to the face! Damn! Thrilla just grabbed himself a huge ladder.
Pigeon: that thing's gotta be 39 feet tall! by gawd!
Styles: Mano trying to sneak up the other side, but Thrilla jerks him off!
SW: BWAHAHAHA! And I thought Axl was the fag in this match.
Pigeon: scotty, let me borrow a vicodin. you're obviously feeling no pain tonight.
SW: only if you let me bang whatever rat you take to your room tonight.
SW: Can I at least watch?
Pigeon: *sigh* fine. but keep your pants on this time.
SW: No promises!
Styles: Everybody trying to get up the ladder, but it's way to early in this one.
Styles: Man! Thrilla just blasted Mano with that chair. Now Kamikazie Ken is setting up his own ladder against the ropes. PLANCHA! And Harker just took out Axl on the floor.
Pigeon: ken's got Roydz. watch this.
Styles: Canadian Destroyer on the ladder!
Crowd: Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit!
SW: Yeah! I hope Roydz is crippled now! I'm pretty sure I could take him in a wheelchair race.
Pigeon: i highly doubt it, scotty. ken couldn't get the full impact because he's such a tiny little man and Roydz is a monster. physically, of course, not in the genitalia region. and i swear my wording wasn't yet another excuse to mention that i have a giant horsecock. even though i do.
Styles: All right, that's enough of that, Pigeon. Roydz goes for a big boot on Ken, but Ken spins him around and runs him crotch first into the side of the ladder. Roydz collapses over the ropes. Mano and Ken off the opposite ropes.
Styles: Mano just connected with a 555, while Ken dropkicked Roydz in the back of the head! Amazing double team move by the hardcore duo.
Pigeon: are they still in the fall of man? whatever happened with that whole stable?
Caption: PLOT HOLE 590,300 OF 1,438,018 FOUND!
SW: Hey, those are my GTB plot holes! Give it back!
Styles: Now Ken and Mano have turned their attention to Dr. Thrilla. They are unloading with chops and kicks.
Pigeon: Axl just whipped harker into the flimsy guardrail® like a pale white-haired foster child.
Styles: Please don't tell me somebody allowed you to take care of children.
Pigeon: you think i make enough from bob to pay the bills? i have to get all the money i can get mikey styles. the foster system is the greatest scam i know of at the moment.
Styles: Ken and Mano have set up a ladder in the corner. And Ken just attacked Mano!
Styles: Mano is suplexed on the ladder! Axl grabs Ken. Whip attempt, no! Ken puts on the brakes. Dropkick. Ken picks up Axl. Look out for Thrilla!
Styles: OH my GOD! Double spear into the ladder! The crowd may not like Thrilla here in Coxsackie, but they sure do like this match so far.
Pigeon: of course they do, styles. they're vampires. they're human vultures just waiting for one of us to die so they can eat our carcass while dancing around naked.
Styles: Thrilla just laid Kamikazie Ken on the large ladder. Now Axl is stacked on top of Ken.
SW: He's the meat in a man sandwich? Nothing new for Axl.
Pigeon: actually, that looks more like a ladder sandwich to me, scotty.
Styles: And Thrilla puts the other ladder on top of Axl. Thrilla's up top!
Styles: Surgeonton bomb on the ladder connects! That was EXTREME! Thrilla has been dominant.
SW: I figured he'd be getting punished for that whole Paradox tag title belt slicing.
Pigeon: please. trey was just pissed that he had to get that title belt repaired because he's got such jew-like tendencies. and since i am a jew i can say that. unlike you two knuckleheads. then it will become hate speech and i can sue you for what little you're worth.
Styles: Thrilla setting up the big ladder and looking to grab the six-pack. Roydz is in. Bear hug on the ladder? Are you kidding me?
SW: It worked for some strange reason. Thrilla just crashed to the mat as the ladder crumpled up.
Pigeon: another celebratory moonwalk? what is this, 1989?
Styles: OH! Superkick by Harker just floored Roydz! Seth's got the ladder hooked? Oh, man, he just suplexed the ladder onto Roydz!
SW: Do it again! Awesome!
Seth: Just for you, Scotty.
Pigeon: this match is so retarded. i think harker's about to hit a tiger driver '91 on the ladder.
Styles: I think so. But more importantly, Steve Roydz is UNDER that ladder! OHMYGOD!
SW: All the muscles in the world ain't gonna help that from hurting.
Pigeon: did you even graduate from high school? your grammar is making my head hurt.
SW: Did you? You aren't even capitalizing any of your words!
Pigeon: that's because i'm lazy and anti-establishment, scotty, though microsoft word sure isn't making this shit easy. damn auto-correct. fuck bill gates and fuck steve ballmer.
Styles: Harker on his way up the ladder. Oh, but Insano Mano just threw the ladder into Harker's back. Mano and Harker have quite the history of late since Traumavision. These two can't seem to get away from each other.
Pigeon: it's pretty sad when the head booker can't get away from mid-card comedy relief.
SW: Harker's not the head booker. He's Acting BigBOSS. All that means is he lets everyone else do the work, changes a couple things, then takes credit for everything. then he finds places to hide his money from the irs and all of us.
Pigeon: if I wasn't injured I'd beat my back pay out of him right now. Vicodin me.
SW: These don't grow on trees, Pigeon. Though I sure wish they did!
Pigeon: i know a corrupt doctor with prescription slips. i'll hook you up later.
Styles: Mano and Harker now both climbing up the ladder. Chop by Harker!
Styles: Chop by Mano.
Styles: Mano and Harker lighting each other up with chops atop the ladder. Harker's got Mano. Oh NO! Tornado DDT from the top of the ladder! Harker trying to get right back up, but that was a hellacious fall. Harker trying to climb back up the ladder. Look out for Kamikazie Ken.
Styles: Powerbomb against the ladder! Ken with a diving headbutt to the knee! Ken grabs Harker. Shinbreaker.
Pigeon: i haven’t seen that move since 1989 either. this is so retro.
SW: Yeah! This is a ladder match. I want highspots. *clap, clap, clapclapclap* I want highspots. *clap, clap, clapclapclap*
Styles: Thrilla with a boot to Ken. Ken kicks back. Both men unloading on each other with punches and kicks. Ken grabs Thrilla and OH just dropped him knees and shins first on the ladder! Damn! Smart thinking by Ken. If he takes out the knees of his opponents, they'll have a hard time getting up that ladder.
Styles: I think most of these guys need some psychological help for even taking part in this career shortening match.
Pigeon: please. with these six guys, do we really want them hanging on until they're 50, breaking their hips when they're jumping off ladders through barbed wire tables?
SW: Aren't these guys all technically like cartoon characters, though? They all could be doing this for as long as Wile E. Coyote and Roadrunner have been going at it.
Pigeon: do I look like a cartoon character?
SW: Pretty much.
Pigeon: fair enough.
SW: Roydz has a chair.
SW: What weak-ass chair shots! Thrilla's checking to see if he even GOT hit. Did they not know how to swing chairs back in 1989?
Pigeon: guys weren't trying to concuss each other back in 1989 quite as much. they were trying to make a living and protect each other.
SW: Pussies. Suck it, 1989.
Styles: Ken just whipped Mano into the ladder. And Mano seems to have hurt his knees on that one. Roydz spins Ken around. Oh, what a knockout left-handed punch. Ken stumbles but doesn't fall. Roydz grabs Ken. What's he signaling for?
Pigeon: ddt time.
SW: WHY is he signaling for it? Nobody gives a crap about him. He's just there to help out Axl.
Styles: Ken is DDTd onto the ladder! But Thrilla is stomping away on Rodyz before he can even get up and try to get up the ladder for the beer. Roydz with some clubbing blows on a tired and hurting Thrilla. DDT for Thrilla on the ladder!
SW: Axl's tossing in a bunch of chairs to the ring. Where's Seth going?
Styles: I don't know what happened, but Harker seems a bit out of it. He's stumbling toward the entryway. Everyone's grabbing a chair in the ring. Axl's going after Harker with a chair of his own.
Pigeon: we've got a mexican standoff in the ring.
SW: Why do I sense an impending slow-motion action scene?
[The camera suddenly zooms toward the entryway in slow-motion, where Harker is hanging onto the Flimsy Guardrail®. As Axl approaches, Seth grabs a chair out from under one of the fans, whose soda goes flying up in the air in slow-mo. Sudden fast-forward cut as Harker charges toward Axl. Then it's back to slow-mo as Axl winds up for a chair shot blast but Harker ducks down and comes up with a brutal shot to Axl's chin! Back to normal speed as Harker's chair goes flying out of his hands, so Harker rips Axl's chair out of his hand and we head to fast-mo as Harker charges down the aisle and into the ring.]
[First up in the ring is Roydz. Back to slow-mo as Roydz is bent over by a chair jam to the midsection and then super-fast-mo as Seth does a 360 degree chair shot to the top of Roydz skull! Super-slow-mo of sweat being blasted away from Roydz head. Back to normal speed as Mano charges, then slow-mo as Seth falls down flat on his back, then fast-mo for Harker mule kicking his chair into Mano's chin! In normal speed, Seth kips up, and in slow-mo then grabs Mano's chair as it's falling to the mat. Crouched, Seth spies Thrilla heading at him. In normal speed, Seth launches his chair at Thrilla's face. Thrilla makes the block with his own chair, but we head to slow-mo as Seth hits a cartwheel kick that smashes Thrilla's own chair into his face in super slow-mo. Back to normal speed as Harker catches Thrilla's falling chair perfectly.]
[How to top that? Dead silence. Ken and Seth are in a staredown, the ladder between them. In slow-motion, Seth winds back, and pitches his chair toward the right side of the ladder. Instead of hitting the ladder, the chair CURVES AROUND THE FUCKING LADDER! Holy shit that was cool! The chair connects with a shocked Ken, who drops his chair. Back to normal speed as Harker kicks the ladder over. Fast-mo, Harker puts the ladder onto his shoulders whirly-bird style. In fast-mo, Harker does the whirly-bird, cracking the ladder into everyone's head (in order: Ken, Roydz, Mano, Thrilla, then finally Axl). After nailing everyone, Harker collapses to his knees in slow-motion, lifts the ladder off himself, and throws it to the mat before collapsing on it, exhausted! Back to regular speed.]
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
Pigeon: now that was cool…
SW: Somebody got some cool spot ideas from "Wanted" the other night, I guess. It's sad. The only thing I could think about after that movie was Angelina Jolie's naked ass! What's wrong with Seth? He's thinking about WRESTLING?
Styles: Yeah, he's funny like that. *Sigh* Fans, you are witnessing one of the craziest ladder matches I've ever seen in my life! And somebody still needs to retrieve the beer hanging above the ring! It seems like everyone is more concerned with hurting each other.
Pigeon: speaking of which, harker's back to work on that smaller ladder. he's setting it up in the corner so it's on the bottom rope and, now he's putting a chair underneath the ladder?
SW: Oh no. Oh wait, I mean, oh yes! He's putting Roydz on it! Wooo!
Styles: Harker's up top. HOLY SHIT!
Styles: Shooting Seth Press onto Roydz! OH MY GOD! Roydz is DEAD! Dead!
Pigeon: say, scotty. Would you rather fuck anorexic looking angelina jolie or pregnant angelina jolie?
SW: Doesn't matter to me, as long as I would be fucking Angelina Jolie. Then I could rub that fact in my arch-nemesis's face, yes, I mean Brad Pitt, for the rest of his pathetic life. Hell, I could give her quadruplets, Brad. Your sperm are fags!
Pigeon: i actually prefer pregnant angelina. but hell, my dick's so long, i'd probably get arrested for having sex with a fetus. wait, is that a crime? or do they have to be popped out of the womb before it's illegal?
Styles: All right, Pigeon!
SW: Bwahaha! You are insane, Pigeon. You should really leave the Hierarchy and become the third commentator on iMPLOSION and these On-Demands!
Styles: if they pay me, i'll do whatever management wants, i'm a money whore i admit it. but they only paid me enough to do this one match. so that's all you get tonight. speaking of whoring and george carlin, he did make one great point. if fucking is legal and selling is legal, why is selling fucking illegal?
SW: I don't know, Pigeon. I just don't know.
Styles: Thrilla trying to get Harker up for some Exploratory Surgery! No! One-inch punch stuns Thrilla. And that enzugeri takes down Thrilla. Axl grabs Harker! Evil-Lution Powerbomb! Axl is the last man standing. Can he get up the ladder now?
SW: Oh, fuck me. No! Somebody get up. Styles, you go stop him!
Styles: I will not! There you go, Mano just got a hold of Axl's boot. And here's some history. Axl once cheated Mano out of the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. Will Mano cheat Axl out of the Beer in the Belly tonight? Axl trying to kick Mano away.
Pigeon: look out, batman, it's misterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr kamikazie.
SW: A sleeperhold? On top of a ladder? Is he trying to put Axl to sleep, or ME?
Styles: Ken just shoved Axl off the ladder! He could do it!
SW: If by "it", you mean get a ladder smashed into his face. He sure can.
Styles: Mano just blasted Ken in the face with yet another ladder.
Styles: Ken just went straight into the turnbuckle as the ladder fell over.
SW: Must. Not. Do. Owen. Joke…
Pigeon: you're terrible, scotty. i like it.
Styles: Thrilla just charged at Roydz, but Thrilla got backdropped to the floor! Mano now setting up a large ladder. Oh, what is he doing?
SW: I think Mano's confused. This isn't his construction job. You're supposed to climb the ladder, not build an extension off of it.
Styles: That second ladder is now horizontal to the mat, as you can plainly see fans. I don't know what Mano has in mind, but I'm sure somebody's going to get hurt by this. Axl's back up now. Axl and Mano are brawling on top of that horizontal ladder. Oh no! They both lost their balance and both just got crotched!
Pigeon: hehehehe. *Ahem*
SW: Did you just laugh?
Pigeon: of course not! why would i ever laugh at somebody who's banging my ex-girlfriend when he just got dropped on his testicles?
Styles: Enter: Harker. Oh no. Axl is now laid out on top of Mano.
SW: Two man sandwiches in one match? Axl's gotta be loving this match!
Pigeon: by that logic, he's gonna love it more when he gets sandwiched by Harker and Mano in a minute.
Styles: Harker's up top! The crowd's on their feet! FROG SPLASH! OH MY GOD! Mano and Axl are DEAD! Dead!
SW: Don't tease me about stuff like that, Styles.
Pigeon: about axl dying?
Pigeon: are we even going to have any other matches tonight?
Styles: I'd assume so.
SW: If they don't like it, I'm sure they'll skim. Bastards.
Styles: Thrilla has Harker! Exploratory Surgery onto Mano, Axl and the ladder!
Pigeon: another ladder? ken's out here setting up a ladder bridge to nowhere.
Styles: I think it's actually headed toward Extremeville, Pigeon.
Pigeon: … you did NOT just say that out loud, did you?
Styles: Sorry. Thrilla's trying to climb that ladder that's all bent to hell. Axl's up and shoves Thrilla off onto the top rope throat first. Thrilla with a desperation move sends Axl to the floor. Now Thrilla and Axl brawling out here near us!
SW: I'm so glad Michelle didn't stick around to see this.
Pigeon: i'm sure she's happily occupied with one of the boys in the back on her knees in a bathroom stall to kill the time.
Styles: Roydz has Harker. DDT onto a chair! Oh, get away from us! Axl just laid out Thrilla on our table.
SW: Hey, let go of him!
SW: I want Axl to miss!
Pigeon: sorry, scotty, not gonna happen.
Pigeon: Told you.
SW: You're a dick.
Pigeon: you're a dick.
Styles: Thrilla has just been wiped out with that senton bomb by Axl from the ring! Good God. This match is insane! Speaking of insane, Insano Mano and Ken are fighting on the ring apron right near that ladder bridge. And Ken just decked Mano with that shot.
SW: But manages to fall perfectly into position ON the ladder. What a lucky break.
Styles: Ken is heading up top! Listen to this crowd cheer on Kamikazie Ken! He's pulling out a blindfold! No WAY! Suicide Squadron coming up! Ken's got the cigarette. And there he goes!
Crowd: Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit!
Styles: 540 reverse moonsault connected, but at what cost? I think Ken and Mano are out of this one now.
Pigeon: Axl just blasted thrilla with the chair. meanwhile, is Roydz actually trying to win this thing?
Styles: It looks like it! Roydz is climbing the ladder, and Axl doesn't even realize it! But Harker's up. NECKBREAKER OFF THE LADDER! Oh my GOD! Harker's quickly back up. Oh no!
SW: Grab the beer! You're right there!
Styles: Seth's never seen a highspot he didn't like!
Crowd: Lights out! No remorse!
Styles: NIGHTBRINGER ON ROYDZ! OH MY GOD! But Harker may have taken himself out as well. Which leaves…
SW: Axl? NO! NO! C'mon for fuck's sake!
Styles: Axl's climbing the ladder. There's nobody even close! Axl wins! Axl wins! And the crowd is booing like crazy.
Styles: And Scotty.
KF: Ladies and gentlemen, here is the winner of the Beer in the Belly Ladder Match, which guarantees him a shot at the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS at some point during the next 365 days, Axl!
SW: He shouldn't have even been in this match! He's already been the OWCTM!
Pigeon: you can thank michelle for that, among other things.
SW: Yes! Thrilla is my new hero!
Styles: Thrilla just KO'ed Axl with a chairshot! Axl wasn't ready for that! Thrilla's got the beer? Thrilla's stealing the beer!
SW: Yes! Brilliant!
Pigeon: i'd so stop him if my leg and head weren't in such pain. damn you thrilla!
Styles: What a wild start to UnFOURgiven fans! Axl is your winner, but Thrilla's leaving with the beer. What does it all mean?
SW: Probably a match at the next BOB-On-Demand?
[For no reason other than the free weed, douja is sat backstage in a steel chair with Kurt Angel and Rob Van Spam smoking a joint.]
Kurt Angel: Did you ever see that Tim Allen movie, Santa Claus 3 or whatever? Now that's a good stoner movie.
RVS: Dude, fuck that shit. It's all about Spiderman 3.
douja: you wiggas dont have a fuckin' clue. friday mothafucka. that shit and a blunt, man. dat shit right there and a pizza is what its all about.
Kurt Angel: Didn't that have Chris Rock in it?
douja: nah man, it was ice t... or whoeva da fuck it was dat was in nwa. niggaz with attitude man!
RVS: I have to say, Mountain Of The Cannibal God is a cool fucking movie stoned.
douja: who made you da fuckin expert? smoke dogg baby, dats me, rememba dat shit
Kurt Angel: I think Bullitt is pretty fucking cool stoned.
douja: fuck dat steve mcqueen shit.
RVS: Goldeneye's pretty cool, that had Steve McQueen in it.
Kurt Angel: No it didn't! It was that motherfucking irish dude from Star Trek.
douja: star trek?! dat's for geeks man, i'd bite the head off dat mothafucka.
RVS: Star Trek is pretty fucked up stoned man.
douja: yeah yeah yeah, warp 9 mothafucka.
RVS: What about The Evil Dead? That shit comes together stoned man. Bruce Campbell screaming his lungs out and there's blood all over the place, can't beat that shit man.
douja: you watch way too many white people movies. truck turna man. evil dead neva had no pimp fuckin' mobile man, he jus had a bunch of fuckin' skeletons actin' faggy nigga.
Kurt Angel: What the heck is a truck turner?
douja: youll be tellin me you never seen superfly next.
[All of a sudden injured BOB substar Joe Bananas walks in with bandages around his knees, ankles, elbows and neck. He must have smelt the smoke from the hospital.]
JB: Pass the bone nigga.
[douja gives Joe Bananas the joint with a frown on his forehead.]
douja: who da fuck is you nigga?
JB: Not stoned yet.
[Joe inhales hard on the joint and blows the smoke at the ceiling.]
JB: What ya'll been talkin bout?
Kurt Angel: Seth Harker told us to act out some scenes from movies to give the show a more cinematic feel, so we've been talking about our favourites to get some ideas.
JB: I remember this one film with some dude that looked like Rutger Hauer and there was all this electricity and shit goin on around him.
RVS: That was My Big Fat Greek Wedding!
Kurt Angel: No it wasn't!
JB: That Sonny Chiba shit is cool as fuck stoned too.
douja: dat sounds like a gook movie nigga, anyway, what da fuck are we talkin 'bout movies for?
Kurt Angel: Seth Harker told us to act some scenes to make the show seem more cinematic.
Kurt Angel: ...
JB: To be honest I don't watch a lot of movies, fuckin hoes high is magic.
[All of a sudden a non-descript guy walks in with a Budweiser in his hand. Joe Bananas looks up and passes the joint to Kurt Angel.]
douja: who da hell is you?
Jobber: I'm Pete East, I won a non-televised match against The Black Leopard before the show started.
[Pete East looks at the joint Kurt Angel is smoking.]
Jobber: Are you guys sharing a cigarette? I'm partial to Marlboros myself, what're you having?
douja: yo, we smokin meth nigga, an don let ya jaw drop or I'll knock ya fuckin' teef out.
Jobber: You're smoking methamphetamine?!?
JB: Nah man, grass. Draw. Smoke. Kief. Whatever the fuck you wanna call it.
Kurt Angel: Marijuana! It's legal in this state.
Jobber: It isn't legal in any state.
douja: well we in the fuckin' state of mothafuckin douja and cheeba be fuckin' legal. bud on da otha hand.
[douja gets up out of his seat and steals the can of beer from Pete East's hand.]
douja: has to be confiscated.
[douja chugs the beer down as Kurt Angel passes the joint to Rob Van Spam.]
douja: bob doesn't make any sense drunk, why da fuck do ya think i'm here?
[Pete East runs out screaming.]
JB: Do any of yall have matches tonight?
Kurt Angel: I do, I'm not sure I should get too stoned before it though.
douja: man, i was da first Only World Champion That Matters, and i smoked 24 blunts dat day.
[Rob Van Spam takes the last toke and blows it into the ceiling fan.]
douja: so if only kurt angel here's got a match, why dont we roll anotha joint and watch dis show on dis here tv.
[douja pats the top of a small color television set.]
RVS: Sounds good to me.
JB: I wanted to do a run in to make sure that Trey Vincent dude beats Kevin the glue sniffin retard, but I'm too fucked up.
[Joe pulls a cigar from out his jacket pocket.]
JB: Besides, I've got a blunt already rolled up.
[Joe lights it up as Kurt Angel leaves to pump himself up for his match.]
RVS: Ah man, I wish BOB would take me back. I had to wrestle some guy named The Skinless Pufferfish in some cheap ass fed desperate to hook fans. It was sick the way this place didn't even have a pot to piss in, fucking period having pussies.
[Joe takes a toke in the blunt before passing it to douja.]
JB: Ghostbusters, now that's a fuckin stoner movie.
Styles: Well, fans, the last time Steve Studnuts and Dr. Silaconne M. Plants faced off against each other in a tag match, it was back at Sunday, Bloody, Sunday. Let's take a look back.
Caption: Sunday, Bloody, Sunday
Mike Monroe: Luke reverses....whips Lance, NO! Holds on, pulls him in...STONECUTTER! HE HIT THE STONECUTTER! Grabs the leg, pulls way back...
[Back to Styles and Scotty.]
SW: Holy crap, that was retarded. You just showed a clip from the match that didn't even show Studnuts or SMP! That was Luke Warm and Lance Mayhem.
Styles: Um. Whoops?
SW: And are The Great and Mr. Paradox just afterthoughts in this one? Because my money's on The Great. Not Paradox, obviously, he's gonna get screwed like a screw that’s been screwed into a screwhole until it can't be screwed any further.
[Four Dollar-Store Troopers walk through the curtain to the sounds of "The Imperial March", carrying a wooden table and two steel chairs. The two carrying the table appear to have made one too many trips past the catering table, while one of the Troopers carrying a chair seems to be as thin as a sign post. They arrive at ringside, and while the two tubby Troopers set the table down, the other two prop the chairs up in position. The We Win Everything theme of "Our House" by Madness plays, and the Hierarchy/WWE announce team of Wes Rivers and Rex Winters head to their position to loud boos from the crowd.]
Styles: I guess it's time to send it over to the We Win Everything crew.
Pigeon: and remember kids. no refunds. i'm out boys. gimme a vicodin for the road or i'll doodoo on your head.
[Wes and Rex both sit down, pull the headsets on, and Wes begins.]
Wes Rivers: Hello sports fans, and welcome to the Hierarchy presents: WWE - UnFOURgiven! This is WWE's premiere on BOB On-Demand, so this one oughta be one hell of a show!
Rex Winters: All hail King Axl and Queen Michelle! The Hierarchy's kingdom is growing by the second!
Wes Rivers: You want a napkin to wipe the brown off your nose?
Rex Winters: Hey, I just call 'em like I see 'em. Axl's the MAN, and Michelle's the Wo...MAN!
Wes Rivers: Well, nevertheless, this next bout will see Hierarchy member Düff taking on the XFactor himself, Pete Trable.
Rex Winters: Petey doesn't stand a CHANCE, lemme tell ya. The guy's nothin' more than a glorified jobber. Hell, even I could take him! Go Düffster!
Wes Rivers: Choose your words carefully, Rex, Pete might just have to run a drive-by.
Rex Winters: Aw please, the guy was used by Team 4D as a TABLE! Düff is gonna mow through him like a knife through toothpaste!
Wes Rivers: ... Huh?
["You Suck" by Strapping Young Lad plays, and the crowd stands... and remembers who's coming out. They then sit back down, some heading for the bathroom or concession stand.]
Rex Winters: Huh... the audience not really taking to Düff. Well... I'm still compelled to cheer for the guy! Go Düff-o-rama!
Wes Rivers: Well, let's face it Rex, Düff is to the Hierarchy what a pair of shoes is to Lieutenant Dan. Useless, pointless, and pretty much a waste of time and money.
Rex Winters: ... Meh, you're right, he sucks. But he's STILL a member of the greatest group in the history of wrestling, so... He sucks less than Pete. ... Go Düff-alama-ding-dong!
[Düff walks toward the ring and slides in under the bottom rope, before popping back up and raising his fists in the air. A beer can is flung through the air and smacks Düff right between the eyes. Düff holds his nose, as "X Gonna Give it To Ya" strikes up on the sound system, and the audience pops. Hey, ANYONE's better than Duff.]
Pete: Hey yo! What choo talkin' bout, Willis? Anyone better than Duff? I ain't just anyone, you narratin' bitch.
Wes Rivers: The people here at Madison's Octagonal Arena coming alive for the arrival of the Rap Master himself, Pete "XFactor" Trable! And the guy's got a microphone! This should be quite interesting.
[Pete slides under the bottom rope and gently unfolds a 3x5 index card.]
Pete: (Reading) Yo, yo, yo, Coxsackie up in this
[The crowd boos. I assume they're booing the index card.]
Pete: (Still reading from the card) Lemme lay down a couple beats fo' yo' punk ass, bitch ass, no-name, Hierarchy third-stringer BITCH. ASS.
Düff: YOU SUCK!
Pete: (Still reading...weird how he knew that Duff would say exactly that, isn't it?) I suck? ... No, no dawg, yo, I think you got that twisted. YOU suck, homeslice. You suck donkey... hell naw, you suck elephant. Naw, naw, you suck WHALE,
nigga! You suck more cock than a two-dollah hooker... BLOWAAA.
[Pete studies the index card.]
Pete: Does some honkey think I really talk like dis? Who wrote dis shit? Oh well, gotta makes the fetti. *sigh*
[He looks at the card again...]
Pete: You joined the Hierarchy cuz you thought that they the best,
You walked around the fuckin' lockeroom like ya had a mothah-fuckin' 'S' on ya chest
But the fact of the mattah, with a shadow of a doubt,
Without a question in yo' mind, yo' pussy ass the Hierarchy could do without.
And that's not to say they worth a damn they own self, but face facts, jackass
Next to a punk ass bitch like you, a fag like Axl's first class.
You went around sayin' to anyone that'd lend an ear,
That they sucked, and you rocked, and you'd guzzle down a beer.
But as time rolled by, and ya fat ass went on in the Grand Slam tournament bracket,
It was more obvious than Nurse Heidi's fake tits that your bitch ass couldn't hack it.
So, in summation, ya fat sack ah shit, I hope you have ya bags packed
Cuz in about three seconds flat, your dumb ass is gettin' jacked!
[Pete crumples the index card and drops it in the ring to a huge pop from the crowd.]
Pete: DAMN,YO! Whadafahisdisshit? I'd never say 'in summation.'
And I don't drop the "F" bomb, and I quit the "N", you see?
I'm more Fresh Prince now and less Ice T.
Anudder thing I know, cause I had a take...
Nurse Heidi got legit boobs, dogg. Dey ain't fake.
Now then, with da boolshit outta the way, I think I'm gonna flow freestyle with a little playin' the dozens, X-Factor style, on your dumb ass, Duff.
Nothin' pretty, nothin' spectacular... just a little sumptin-sumptin off da top of my head.
[Pete massages his temples for a minute with a finger and his thumb as if contemplating his rap. He then looks over at Wes for a warm-up.]
Pete: Wes Rivers? You look like Joan Rivers...
Your stretched out face....
....be giving me the shivers.
[Wes slumps noticeably.]
You can huff and you can puff.
Ain't no way you can blow dis home(y) down.
In case you didn't notice, I'm Pete Trable, bitch.
Built like a brick shithouse...... ya stupid ass clown.
"You -- Think -- You're -- Tough?"
That's what Ratt's Stephen Pearcy would ask....
By the way, chump.... you're ugly as hell.
Any chance you gotta mask?
Yo, Yo, Duff.
You ain't rough.
If you was football, you'd be powder puff.
Anatomy? You'd be your momma's muff.
You're softer than marshmallow's fluff.
You 'bout as heavy metal as Enuff Z Nuff.
And hella more gay than Bagwell as "American Male Buff."
I'm gonna dip you like snuff.
Your beard look more like scruff.
Got more fleas than crime dog McGruff.
I bet you ain't bathed in a monff.
Now..... I'm tired of playin'...
Your bitch ass better start prayin'...
Dis match is gonna be over crazy soon, then I'll hit da clubs pimping.
Duff, I'm gonna kick your ass quicker than you'll get drunk by Homer Simpson.
[Pete pauses and looks to the crowd, seemingly pleased with his effort. But he's not done yet...]
Pete: Yo, let me cut out on dis....
And let me use "twisted" as it was intended, knowwhatI'msayin'? Not like it was used earlier, in Whitey's dialog that was perpetrated upon a straight gangsta like me .
If I lose to this bum, please don't get it twisted...
There'll be no more doubt, that pro wrestling is scripted.
[Pete flashes a "gang sign" while flipping the microphone into the air.]
PA: Kill me with a beat.
[The cheers directed at Trable's rap suddenly transform into a massive round of booing, as Axl, arm in arm with Michelle, walks toward the ring. The King and Queen of the Hierarchy have vile smiles plastered across their faces, both of them in grungy clothing. They stop on top of the stage, turn to each other, and share a sloppy kiss, before turning their attention back to the ring. Duff and Pete stare back at them, Duff inside the ring, Pete right outside it. Axl grabs a microphone, and speaks.]
Axl: Welcome ladies and gentlemen, to WWE-UnFOURgiven! [crowd boos] *Ahem*... As the winner of the Beer in the Belly Ladder Match—
[The crowd boos.]
Axl: And more importantly, as GM of We Win Everything, and this being "WWE - UnFOURgiven", and all... I've changed this match to a loser leaves BOB match! And I've instated a very... VERY special referee...
[Axl rips off his Hierarchy T-shirt to reveal a referee's shirt.]
[Axl begins to walk... slowly... down to the ring... while Duff and Pete wait for him to arrive.]
Wes Rivers: Hold on... someone's coming through the audience. ... It's Steve "A.A.S." Roydz! Steve rolls into the ring and spins Duff around! Steve with the left punch to the jaw!
Rex Winters: Wait a minute... is Duff out of the Hierarchy?
Wes Rivers: Looks like it.
Rex Winters: Thank GOD! Go Pete!
Wes Rivers: Duff instantly collapses to the mat, as Axl quickly goes from walking slowly, to rushing at breakneck speed. Axl slides into the ring, and lowers down in a crouching position, waiting for Duff to rise up... Sinister Slice! Duff bounces off the canvas, falling on his back. Pete looks at these events quizically, but Steve Roydz gives him no time to wonder, as the big man grabs Pete by the shirt collar and shoves him down to the mat, falling on top of Duff. Before Pete even has time to gather his bearings, Axl drops down and slaps his hand to the mat three times, just as fast as he possibly can. He then stands up and shouts at the timekeeper...
Axl: RING THE DAMN BELL!
[The bell is rung, and Axl lifts Pete's hand... Pete's eyes displaying his shock. Axl, still clinching Pete's hand, suddenly blasts him with the 'Shot in the Dark' superkick.]
Wes Rivers: Trable joining Duff on the ring mat. Axl is taking out bodies left and right here!
Rex Winters: Axl, Axl, he's our man, if he can't do it... Then fuck it.
Wes Rivers: Hey!
Rex Winters: What?
Wes Rivers: Language, Rex.
Rex Winters: This is On-Demand, man.
Wes Rivers: Oh. Well in that case, go right the fuck ahead.
[As Axl and Steve stand above the fallen carcasses of Pete and Duff, the crowd rains down their disapproval. Axl grabs Pete, and loads him up between his legs, possibly going for the Evil-Lution Bomb... when "Satisfaction" hits, and the Great storms down to the ring with a chair to clear the ring. Axl and Steve quickly scamper from the ring, heading through the crowd... as the Great checks on Pete. As Axl makes his retreat, he looks back toward the ring, and locks eyes with a fierce looking Great. "Satisfaction" continues to play, as the Great, hand resting on the bruised shoulder of Pete Trable, stares coldly at the leader of the Hierarchy.]
Styles: UnFOURgiven is set to roll on. But hold on, I'm being told we've got some of the greats from the FOBL here tonight?
SW: What the hell is the FOBL?
Styles: I'm not sure. But is this right?
[Cut to ringside, as we see some football players dressed in red and black jerseys.]
Styles: Ben Roethlisberger? Reggie Wayne? Brandon Marshall? Chad Johnson? LaDainian Tomlinson? Willis McGahee. Vernon Davis. Calvin Johnson. Joey Galloway.
SW: Aren't those REAL people, Styles?
Styles: Of course they're real. They apparently make up the this year's Sin City Icons team.
SW: Wouldn't this have made more sense if they were in Sin City when WE were in Sin City for iMPLOSION so they'd get the home town pop?
Styles: Probably. Well, fans, get ready for some FOBL action starting in September as the Sin City Icons kick of their season against the COWBOYS. It's gonna be Fantasy-tastic!
SW: Speaking of fantasy-tastic, I'm already picturing Jerri Li wearing nothing but the T&A XX Division Title. Humina humina humina!
Styles: Let's see if you're right on that one. Kay Fabe, take it away.
KF: The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the T&A XX Division Championship!
Styles: Ladies and gentlemen, this one should be extreme!
["Holy Wars" by Megadeth plays.]
KF: Introducing first, the challenger. From Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Weighing in at 123 lbs. Jerri Li!
[Jerri walks out wearing a Choose Death T-shirt. She takes a pair of green handled scissors and cuts the fabric away to reveal leather straps stapled onto her body.]
SW: Woo baby! Me love you long time tiger lily!
Styles: Any other woman would slap you for saying that.
["Not A Pretty Girl" by Ani DiFranco plays.]
KF: And her opponent, the T&A XX Division Champion! From the back alleys of the softball diamond. Nikki Mantle!
[Nikki marches to the ring with the title belt over her shoulder and a studded paddle in her hand.]
SW: Get your beer goggles ready.
Styles: Jerri attacks before Nikki's music can even finish. She rips the paddle out of Nikki's hand and hits her in the face, driving the studs into the skin. Nikki grabs the handle and peels it out, ripping cuts along her face, before hooking her fingers into Jerri's piercings. She tries to drag her by the ears, nose and eyebrows but Jerri just tears herself free.
SW: Jesus Christ!
Styles: Both women dig their fingers into each others facial wounds, trying to open them up as much as possible.
SW: They're going to make each other look like raisins of scar tissue aren't they?
Styles: Jerri spits in Nikki's eye, knocking her back a step, before reaching into the front of her tights and pulling out a ball of barbedwire!
SW: It's already covered in blood!
Styles: She tosses half of it to Nikki and starts wrapping it around her own fists. Nikki tries to do the same but realizes it hurts. It's too late! Jerri is slapping and punching the champ as hard as she can, pulling at her hair and opening the cuts on her face even wider. Within the blink of an eye she hits a vicious spinning back fist, sending Nikki tumbling to the outside through the ropes.
SW: She looks like one of those flower onion things covered in blood!
Nikki: Scotty, give me your chair!
SW: What? No!
Nikki: Just hurry!
Styles: Nikki Mantle steals the chair Scotty Whatbody was sitting on right from under him.
SW: So now I've got to sit on the floor? You'd better give that back!
Styles: Jerri is laughing as Nikki protects herself with Scotty's chair. She climbs to the top rope and dives head first, literally, into the steel chair knocking Nikki down.
SW: Why couldn't she have done that while I was sitting on it?
Styles: She would have squashed you like a pair of grapefruits.
SW: You have to give and take with these S&M types.
Styles: Well Nikki is taking a tremendous beating as Jerri bites and claws at her like a rabid wolverine. Nikki fights back with a three stooges style eye poke. Jerri stumbles back and Nikki wraps Scotty's chair around her skull! Nikki is getting the upper hand.
SW: Yeah, but all eyes are on Jerri.
Styles: Nikki points under the ring and pulls out a kendo stick. She takes advantage of Jerri's blindness and viciously attacks every body part she can until it snaps.
SW: They're made out of balsa wood, blink and you'll miss it.
Styles: Nikki is pulling out more weapons. Steel chairs, cookie sheets, baseball bats, a bag of golf clubs and even a hoover. Nikki thinks she's New Yak and pretends to hoover the concrete floor until hitting Jerri with it.
SW: I guess the janitors left that there... wait, I didn't even think we had janitors.
Styles: Nikki has a bucket and pulls it over Jerri's head before hitting it with a mop.
SW: Clean up in aisle five.
Styles: Jerri keeps the bucket on and blindly tries to headbutt Nikki until she connects.
SW: It's like a hotter version of the tinman.
Styles: Both women fall to the floor and Generic Ref starts making the count.
SW: That's never a good thing.
SW: Is it wrong that I find two women lying in a pile of a weapons slightly arousing?
Styles: Kind of.
Styles: Jerri pulls the bucket off her head and starts slapping herself.
Styles: Nikki looks to be coming to also.
Styles: Jerri is back on her feet with a head full of steam. She peels the barbedwire from her hands and wraps it around a stop sign. Nikki is back up also and tries to sidekick the sign, but Jerri dodges and hits Nikki with the it like it was a custard pie.
SW: I'd like some of Jerri's custard pie.
Styles: If you're alluding to what I think you're alluding to, you have to remember that thing has to be torn to shreds by now.
SW: Easier access?
Styles: Scotty, I don't think she's looking for someone that bruises like a peach.
SW: That's what you think.
Styles: Aaanyway, Jerri slides a table under the bottom rope as Nikki tries to untangle her hair and skin from that barbedwire. She finally gets free and Jerri starts digging a fork into her forehead. Blood pours like it were from a faucet. Jerri grabs Nikki by the side of her head and rams it into the ring post before rolling her back into the ring. She gathers up as many weapons as she can carry and takes them in with her.
SW: What happened to female hardcore matches where the only weapon was a ping pong paddle?
Styles: Nikki is trying to bury her head in the sand, but Jerri darts at her with a frying pan and hits her in back of the head. She pulls her by the hair and starts beating her with a waffle iron. There's all kinds of household appliances in there, but no electricity. Jerri backdrops Nikki onto a toaster! 1, 2, Nikki gets the shoulder up!
SW: Oh, and where's the kitchen sink?
Styles: Right there. Jerri tries to lift Nikki up for a tombstone onto the sink, but she counters and gutwrench suplexes her through an ironing board! 1, 2, Jerri kicks out!
SW: At least we don't hire Unit 5 anymore, Jerri would probably try to climb in.
Styles: Nikki is punching Jerri in the stomach. She drags her to the middle of the ring when she is winded enough before double stomping so hard on her belly that she pukes.
Styles: When Jerri is done blowing chunks Nikki starts setting up the table. Jerri struggles to her feet, her face has turned green!
SW: Where the hell are those damn janitors? You can't just puke in the ring!
Styles: Nikki easily lays Jerri on the table and climbs up to the top rope. She holds her arms up in the air and taunts to the crowd, not noticing Jerri rolling off the table and climbing up after her. She leaps onto her shoulders and frankensteiners her through the table! She's not making the cover though, she still looks dizzy. Eventually she manages to crawl over Nikki. 1, 2, Nikki kicks out. Jerri rolls out of the ring to try and pull herself together. She throws a golf club, a baseball bat and two chairs into the ring. She sets up the two chairs opposite each other and helps Nikki up onto one. She sits in the opposite one and points at her face.
Nikki: What are you doing?
Jerri: Hit me.
Styles: Nikki punches Jerri in the face. Jerri smiles and punches her back. These two women are taking turns to slug each other. Jerri then stands up and hands Nikki a baseball bat. She picks up the golf club and swings at Nikki, she ducks and swings at Jerri's legs, but she hops over. They swing at each other and the weapons clash in the middle.
SW: Swordfighting with sports equipment! Who the hell comes up with an idea like that?
Styles: Realizing they are at a stand still, both women drop their weapons and start clawing at each other's faces, which by now have crossed over into bloody meat patty territory. Nikki rakes the eyes and belly to belly suplexes Jerri through plate glass that was propped up in the corner! Now she's got a lightube!
SW: Jesus, what's with all the fucking lightubes these days?
Styles: She holds it over Jerri's neck as she tries to get up and axe kicks it with authority! That could have broken her neck!
SW: She probably breaks her own neck and lets it flop about on her shoulders.
Styles: Jerri no-sells like it didn't even hurt and DDT's Nikki onto the broken glass. She lifts up a steel chair and hits her with it over and over again until it warps out of shape.
SW: These bitches are brutal.
Styles: Jerri sets up a bed of nails in the middle of the ring. Seeing that Nikki is hurt enough as it is she throws herself onto it.
Jerri: Oh yeah!
Styles: Nikki struggles to her feet and walks alongside the bed of nails. She shrugs and makes a pin cover attempt.
GR: Her shoulders have to be on the mat.
Styles: Nikki sighs and peels Jerri off the spikes, but she counters and drop toe holds her face first into the bed of nails. Jerri swings a steel chair at her but she gets the hell out of the way and the chair hits the spikes. Jerri turns to hit Nikki but she spits beer in her face.
GR: Hey! That was mine!
Styles: Nikki with a small package! 1, 2, Jerri kicks out.
SW: This match is trying to break the amount of different fluids used record isn't it?
Styles: A record I'm sure Jerri would enjoy being a part of. Both women are now taking it in turns to hit each other with kendo sticks, having to grab another each time one breaks. When they run out of weapons they both climb out of the ring and go under the apron. They turn to each and nod their heads before dragging out a ladder.
SW: I'm pretty sure that's for the Beer In The Belly match.
Styles: They slide it into the ring together before pulling at each other's hair and rolling around on the outside. They both stand up and try to get into the ring, pulling the other back down with each attempt. They both search for a weapon. All Nikki can find is a cookie cutter whilst Jerri finds a lead pipe. She knocks Nikki out cold and drags her into the ring by her arms. She sets up the ladder leaning against the corner and climbs up the rungs backwards with her hands steadying herself on either side. Nikki starts to stir and sees Jerri smiling down at her. She hooks her legs under one of the rungs and holds onto another above her head. She wobbles the ladder fowards until it topples over and crushes Jerri on top of Nikki!
SW: What the hell kind of move was that?
Styles: I guess she wanted to hurt herself in the process. She untangles herself from the ladder and heaves Nikki up by the waist. Tombstone on the ladder! 1, 2, 3!
KF: Here is your winner and NEW T&A XX Division Champion... JERRI LI!
SW: And look! Jerri's bashing her own head in with title in celebration! Sweet.
Styles: Fans, Enter the Vortex is up next.
SW: I've got my spoon ready.
Styles: What are you going to do with it?
SW: Probably stab my eyes out.
Wes Rivers: Welcome back to WWE-UnFOURgiven, sports fans! The next contest is the very first EVER 'Enter the Vortex' match!
Rex Winters: The very first EVER one back on the original episode of WWE notwithstanding.
Wes Rivers: ... Huh?
Rex Winters: http://www.bobwrestling.com/WWE1.html
Wes Rivers: Oh, come on now! Second ever doesn't sound nearly as impressive.
Rex Winters: Well, when Axl's promoting his first episode of WWE as the third episode, you have to have a bit of continuity, ya know?
Wes Rivers: Continuity? In Pro-Wrestling? Are you kidding? Anyway, the rules of this match are simple. Viruz and Kurt Angel will place virtual reality visors on, which will be connected to Viruz' system -
Rex Winters: The X-Station Wii60! Coming soon to a retailer near you! With all the latest technology like... uh... well, the games come on CDs.
Wes Rivers: As opposed to?
Rex Winters: Cartridges.
Wes Rivers: ... Talk about state of the art... Ahem. As has been explained previously, what you feel in the game, you feel for real. And the first man to inflict so much pain into his opponent that he's forced to remove the visor wins.
Rex Winters: Well, I hate to say it, but my money's on Kurt. I hear he's been raiding Scotty Whatbody's stash of Vicodin...
Wes Rivers: At any rate, we now head over to the ring, where Jack Hoff is ready to give the introductions.
[We switch views to the ring, where an overweight man in a stained white wifebeater, a blue pair of sweatpants, and brown flip-flops is standing with a microphone. His mouth is surrounded by stubble, and he has a receding hairline. He looks not unlike Carl from [adult swim]'s 'Aqua Teen Hunger Force'. Hm... I smell a tie-in...]
Jack Hoff: That might just be me. I haven't taken a show-ah in ova' fifteen weeks.
[Christ... I knew I smelled something rotten...]
Jack Hoff: [pulls out a half eaten sandwich, that looks to be a year old... before taking a bite] Mmmm... ham!
[*urp* I think I'm gonna be sick...]
Jack Hoff: [pockets the sandwich, and lifts the microphone to his mouth] *munch, munch* Thish necksht... *gulp* 'Scuse me. This next match ova' hee-yah is somethin' called a 'Vortex Match' ah somethin'. I dunno, these damn cards don't have nothin' on 'em but the names ah these guys, so I'm just makin' up shit as I go along. Anyhell, the first guy comin out's a Olympic gold winnah. I think. It says 'Angel', but I'm pretty damn sure that's a fuggin' typo, but hell, the guy might be some kinda friggin' winged reta'hd ah' somethin'. I don't know, and I really couldn't care less. Here he is, Kurt Angel!
Rex Winters: Axl couldn't have gotten someone better? Seriously?
Wes Rivers: Well, I'm sure Jack's just fitting into the position...
Rex Winters: But once he "fits in", it's gonna take the jaws of life to get him back out!
Wes Rivers: Oh brother. Fat jokes, Rex? Can't you get any better material?
Rex Winters: Hey, I just read what's on the script. Maybe I should trade with Scotty...
Wes Rivers: Then you'd probably be talking about Jack's man boobs and how you'd like to play motorboat with them...
SW: FUCK YOU WES! Faggot!
Rex Winters: Yuck! No I wouldn't! But I know if you were using Styles' script, you'd probably say something like "OH MY GOD! It must be cold in here, because I'm suffering shrinkage!"
Styles: SCREW YOU REX! At least I'm not the lead commentator for a show run by AXL! Can they hear us?
SW: They're just ignoring us. Pussies...
Wes Rivers: Hey, I'll have you know I happen to be reasonably endowed!
Rex Winters: Man, I don't want to know about your johnson, no matter what size it is!
Wes Rivers: Well, anyway, "I Don't Like the Drugs (But the Drugs Like Me)" is playing, and Kurt is coming out through the curtains, as the people here are giving a mixed reaction. Some of them are backing Kurt in his effort against the Hierarchy, while others... just don't really care either way.
Rex Winters: I know how the slot machines are... rigged. I never even ONCE hit the jackpot! People on tv are always hitting jackpots, and then getting into wacky situations with their winnings. I'd just once like to get into a wacky situation...
Wes Rivers: Try to pick up a girl at the casino bar. I'd laugh.
Rex Winters: >:- (
[Kurt walks to the ring, slapping a few of the fans hands. As he steps up onto the apron and through the ropes, the lights dim, and a spotlight appears on stage.]
Speakers: Since the 80's, the world has bore witness to some of the greatest video game systems of all time... The Nintendo Entertainment System... The PlayStation... the DreamCast.
Wes Rivers: ...
Rex Winters: Uhm... well, it had Crazy Taxi.
Wes Rivers: Yeah...
Speakers: Video Gaming has evolved, but as it has evolved, so have the video GAMERS. And now, the gamers want a revolution. Not a Wii, but a REVOLUTION! One man has designed that very revolution, and now, he is presenting you, the world, with the next step in the history of gaming! Ladies and gentlemen... Viruz... and the X-Station ... Wii... SIXTY!
Wes Rivers: Wow, a few of the audience members actually seem to be cheering.
Rex Winters: They better! Viruz didn't go through all the trouble of hastily putting together a piece of junk video game console just so these people would ignore his magnificent work of art!
Wes Rivers: ... If it's a work of art, why'd you call it a piece of junk?
Rex Winters: ... Typo.
Wes Rivers: Ah...
[As the speakers' introduction wraps up, a platform begins to rise from the stage, in the center of the spotlight's glare... Viruz stands next to a pedestal, which is covered by a sheet. He holds a microphone to his mouth.]
Viruz: How's it going New York?! [the crowd boos the cheap pop move] I know, you're all probably wondering the same thing. How can a single man create such a brilliant piece of technology? A machine capable of forever changing the landscape of the tech industry? Well, it's quite simple really. For I am a genius. Ladies and gentlemen... I present to you now... the X-Station Wii-Sixxxtttyyy!
[Vi lifts the veil from the podium, where there rests the console itself - ]
[Suddenly, those few audience members that were clapping... sort of drift off to thoughts of other matches on the card... Poor Viruz...]
Viruz: ... Hey, you in the third row, where the hell do you think you're going?!
Guy in the third row: A toaster? Dude, forget that, I'm headed for the concession stand. Seriously, I'd rather be seen buying a Phillips CD-i before I'm caught dead with that hunk of crap!
Viruz: Well! Be left in the digital dust then! The X-Station Wii60 is the greatest thing to happen to the video game business since the day Shigeru Miyamato created Mario! And speaking of which, while 'Enter the Vortex' may only be an EXTREMELY limited edition game, with only 4 discs being sold on the market, there WILL be a game released openly with the debut of the system. And I have dubbed it 'Super Mario Whatever'. In exchange for use of the license, I've promised that I will make it the crappiest Mario game of all time. ... Uhm... So buy it, this holiday season!
Guy in the third row: Why?
Viruz: ... Security!
[Two burly men, wearing full white attire, and Dollar-Store Trooper helmets, rush to the guy in the third row and drag him off, as Viruz smiles smugly to himself.]
Viruz: Whether you people like it or not, the Wii60 WILL revolutionize the gaming industry! So the Hierarchy has said, so it shall be done! Now Kurt... prepare to catch the Viruz!
[Viruz grabs the system, and as "Twisted Transistor" continues to play, the Hierarchy's High-Tech High-Flyer walks down the ramp, with Kurt keeping a close eye on him every step of the way.]
Wes Rivers: Kurt's staring daggers at his opponent. Viruz has been going back and forth with Angel since his debut here in BoB. It's possible that this battle could see the end of the feud... or perhaps ignite its flame.
Rex Winters: This is possibly the craziest match gimmick I've ever heard of! Both of these guys are going to have the ability to hit eachother with absolutely ANYTHING their minds can imagine. They'll be literally INSIDE the game! Reminds me of the EA slogan... uh...
Wes Rivers: ... "Get in the Game"?
Rex Winters: No, uh... No, lemme think, I'll get this one...
Wes Rivers: ... It's "Get in the Game", Rex...
Rex Winters: Nah, that's not it... dammit, think Rex, think!
Wes Rivers: ... Anyway folks, Viruz has set up the machine, and a couple of Dollar-Store Troopers have set up steel chais for both competitors.
Rex Winters: Kurt's sitting down... Yank the chair away Dollar Store Trooper #83774! DAMN, missed opportunity! Why doesn't one of them just cream the bastard before the match starts?! Incompetence, I tell ya!
Wes Rivers: Well, this match isn't mean to be fought on the actual plane of reality, but the virtual plane. Viruz challenged Kurt to this match, believing he would have the edge in a match contested in a world of technology... but you never know with a BoB Icon like Kurt. He could very well surprise the Viral Villain.
Rex Winters: I wouldn't hold my breath. Vi and Kurt are both connected to the machine via the virtual visors... The referee pops the CD into the slot... Hope he has it set to 'Light'...
Wes Rivers: Maybe he likes his plastic discs dark and crisp... Ok, he's flipped on the power, and the Tiny-Tron flickers to life... Both men have materialized virtually on the top of a red vector platform... Nothing but black space surrounds the long and wide plane...
Rex Winters: Viruz stands on one side of the far-stretching platform, while his opponent stands at the opposite side... Kurt peers over the terrace, scoping out the long... and I do mean looong... way down.
Wes Rivers: Nothing but an endless, infinite drop of virtual space...
Kurt: Wow... I may have lost a few braincells from all the drug use, but even MY brain's not as large a void as this. Not false, SO not false... Maybe douja's...
Viruz: We've entered the Vortex, Kurt... and now it's time for you to enter my personal domain! Vortex... Create : Arcade!
[Suddenly, the plain and mundane terrain transforms into a bright and flashy arcade, filled with pinball machines, older cabinets, as well as newer games such as 'Lance Lance Revolution: Lance Storm's Dance Storm'.]
Kurt: Oh please, is this all you can come up with? A video game arcade? We're IN a video game, bucko! Why don't you be a bit more original? In fact - VORTEX! Create : Donkey Kong level!
Wes Rivers: Kurt apparently believing the arcade isn't that much of a stretch, given the circumstances. But what could he mean by 'Donkey Kong level'? Has he had a few too many Vicodin again?
Rex Winters: HA! Well, I gotta hand it to him, he came up with a rather interesting stretch of surroundings... Just as he stated ; Both Viruz and Kurt are now inside an ACTUAL level from the original Donkey Kong arcade game! And BoB Wrestling has just entered an entirely new level of wacked-out-edness.
Wes Rivers: ... Wacked-out-edness?
Rex Winters: It's a word! I found it on Wiktionary.
Wes Rivers: Oh, yeah, there's a reliable source... Regardless, it appears as though at the very top of the construction site like layout of the DK level, there stands Kurt Angel, playing the part of Kong. And the man playing Mario? None other than Viruz, who runs along the bottom of the level, leaping over barrels of... what are those, pain killers?
Rex Winters: Barrels of pain killers being tossed down a building as weapons in the middle of a virtual reality based wrestling match. BoB : Cross the Line... of Sanity.
Wes Rivers: Viruz climbs a few ladders, jumping over each barrel of "prescription" pills tossed his way. As he makes it close to where Kurt stands, the Heavenly Champion calls forth a giant hammer! It's just like the one Mario used in the original Donkey Kong game.
Rex Winters: *cough*NERD*cough*
Wes Rivers: >:- (
Rex Winters: What? Had a bit of a cold there.
Wes Rivers: Kurt swings the hammer in Viruz' direction... But Viruz manages to call forth a plunger! Vi blocks the hammer!
Viruz: Think you can defeat me with a hammer, eh?!
Kurt: Think you can defeat me with a plunger... EH?!
Viruz: No. Not really. But I know who CAN take care of your winged ass! A couple of guys that are gonna feel right at home here... Vortex, create : Mario Boyz!
Wes Rivers: *gasp* It couldn't be! IT IS! The newest tag team on the BoB roster, two men who will be joining We Win Everything in the weeks to come, Mario Mario and Luigi Mario - The Mario Boyz!
Rex Winters: The Boyz are gonna wipe the floor with Kurt! They're hardcore right down to the spaghetti sauce that runs through their veins!
Wes Rivers: The Mario Boyz rush over to Kurt, who still has Viruz on the defensive with the huge hammer... Kurt notices the team coming toward him... He drops the hammer, and goes for a double clothesline, but both Mario and Luigi Mario bend down, and backbody drop Kurt up and over... he plummets, down... down... down off the steel girder, falling into an oil barrel on the bottom floor!
Rex Winters: Yes! Set him on fire, Viruz! Burn the Angel's wings!
Wes Rivers: Kurt is desperately trying to remove himself from the barrel...
Viruz: Vortex! Create : FOOTBRAWL FIELD!
Wes Rivers: Foot... Brawl?
Rex Winters: http://www.bobwrestling.com/SUMFB.html
Wes Rivers: Well, aren't you full of links today.
Rex Winters: http://www.hotnhornyhoswithbigwettightcli-
Wes Rivers: ANNNYWAY...
Kurt Angel: What the hell is this?
Viruz: It's the FootBrawl field, you nincompoop! The most infamous field in BoB history!
Kurt Angel: ... Ok?
Viruz: So, technically, this is not only the first EVER 'Enter the Vortex' match... but the first EVER 'FootBrawl' match... EVER!!!!~!2
Kurt Angel: Who needs logic when you've got exclamation points like THAT...
Viruz: Oh that's IT! Vortex... Create : Wiffle Bat!
Kurt Angel: Oh brother, a wiffle bat? Come on, take your best shot!
[Viruz runs toward Kurt with the bat, and swings, but Kurt simply ducks... before pulling off a hard hitting german suplex, leaving Vi bruised on the field.]
Kurt Angel: Vortex... Create... BOSTON CELTICS!
Rex Winters: WHAT!? Oh dear LORD! The Boston Celtics, NBA Champions, are actually running down the center of the field... and they're trampling all over Axl's poor brother! DAMN YOU BOSTON! DAMN-YOU-STRAIGHT-TO-HELLLL!
Wes Rivers: The Celtics have left Viruz a trampled mess... And what's this? The Tiny-Tron's just gone split-screen! It's the NBA play-off ads all over again!
Rex Winters: As if there weren't enough already...
[On one side of the screen, half of Kurt's face is displayed, showing him gritting his teeth... while the other side shows Viruz, still laying nearly unconcious on the grass, with the half of his face that is shown having a black eye. Kurt speaks, while Vi lays there... doing nothing more than drooling, blooding trickling down from his nose.]
Kurt: Vi... you remember when Massive Man and Jim competed in the Netherworld Wrestling Organization? Well, while I was up in heaven, I competed in a little company on a much higher plane... literally! Vortex, create... HWO Arena!
Rex Winters: The HWO? What in the hell is that?
Wes Rivers: I believe it stands for the "Heavenly Wrestling Organization".
Rex Winters: Oh NO! Now it'll be Kurt who has the home field advantage! THAT BASTARD!
[Viruz falls through the air, and lands smack dab in the middle of the HWO ring, surrounded by clouds... and through the golden gates emerges Angel, with a shining halo looming above his head. Kurt heads over to the fallen Viruz, and cinches in the Angel Lock!]
Rex Winters: NOOO! It can't be! It's not possible! There's no way Viruz will be able to withstand this pain! Someone's gotta do something!
Wes Rivers: Well, it seems as though Steve Roydz has heard you... and so has Pigeon! Pigeon has finally recovered from the attack he suffered at the hands of SMP and Luke Warm, and is running down the aisle along with Steve... they slide into the ring, both holding their own virtual reality visors! They connect them to the X-Station Wii60, and now they too appear on the Tiny Tron within the confines of the HWO ring! They're attacking Kurt!
Rex Winters: YES! YES! THANK YOU, LORD AXL! Now order has been restored... back in the Hierarchy's favor! Noone can save Kurt now!
Wes Rivers: The REAL Kurt is now shaking violently in his chair... I don't know who could possibly save the guy... or if there really is anyone who would be willing to!
[Suddenly, "How High" by Method Man and Red Man hits on the speakers of Madison's Octagonal Arena.]
Wes Rivers: OH MY GOD! It's Rob Van Spam, and DOUJA! The Rolling Stoners have returned to lend a helping hand to their old pal Kurt Angel!
Rex Winters: FUCK! Those stoned nitwits are ruining a perfectly good sneak attack! Now the sides are even, and that's NOT fair!
Wes Rivers: douja and RVS rip the visors off of Roydz and Pigeon, before laying in the fists and footwork. Viruz tosses off the visor... Wait, does that mean he loses? Viruz heads over to douja and loads him up for the Fatal Error, bringing the BOB Legend into 'Rock Bottom' position... But Kurt just disposed of his visor, and is storming toward Viruz!
Rex Winters: Oh, this is all getting waaay out of hand! The Hierarchy shouldn't have to put up with these druggies! Something's gotta give!
Wes Rivers: Kurt spins Vi around and... HEAVENLY SLAM! ... ON DOUJA!! And now one on Rob Van Spam!
Rex Winters: YES! Haha, I knew it alllll along!
Wes Rivers: Sure ya did Rex... douja and RVS are both lying on the mat, coughing and choking... I'm questioning whether it's from the beatdown they just suffered, or if they just had a few puffs backstage before they came out... Either way, Kurt and Viruz are actually shaking hands! Wait... could this mean that Kurt was the turncoat Original BOBster?!
Kurt Angel: You better believe it, buster! New York, you bunch of sorry excuses for human flesh! Why should I care about a bunch of people who cheer for the Mets? I've had enough of trying to suck up to you worthless ingrates, just to end up overlooked and neglected! I've found a few guys that actually APPRECIATE the greatest parody e-wrestler in the world today! From now on, I will be there for the Hierarchy, as their Ambassador! You people just aren't worth my time and effort anymore! It's time for Kurt Angel to make his ascension... alongside the greatest stable in the known universe. And as I ascend to the top? I shall descend... into the darkness. Not false. So not false.
Viruz: And on that note... Buy Super Mario Whatever : THIS CHRISTMAS! Or I'll send Kurt over to your place to break your damn ankle!
[As the ring is littered with trash, Steve Roydz, Pigeon, Viruz, and the Hierarchy's newest member Kurt Angel, all lift their arms high into the air, as "I Don't Like the Drugs" plays on the speakers...]
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