The Infomercial (Or, "If he want to buy two hours of airtime, we'll let him)
[We open on the set of a talk show. There is a cheering crowd. A stage. Some talk-show chairs. Hmm...welcome to the strange world of BOB. I guess? The camera zooms in on a logo behind the stage, The Jerry Stranger Show, written in cursive. The camera does that fade in out and then comes up on the fake king of gutter television, Jerry Stranger. Figure it out, people!]
Jerry Stranger: Hello, I'm Jerry Stranger, the next Governor of California!
Crowd: JERRY, JERRY, JERRY!
JS: And as governor of California, I guarantee to bring you the highest approval ratings of all time. Sex. Lies. Sex changes. Inbreeding. Mutant Clowns Ate My Baby. My Wife Is Cheating On Me With A Corpse. There is no problem I won't solve as governor.
JS: And I also bring you a great show tonight. Tonight's topic: How Wrestling Ruined My Life. Joining us right now at the top of the show is a man by the name of Mike Monroe. Hi, Mike.
MM: Jerry. Nice to be here.
JS: Tell us a little about yourself.
MM: Well, I was born on a partly cloudy Tuesday morning. The doctors were all scrambling around for drugs to sedate my mother...
JS: I said a little. You know, about how BOB has affected you.
MM: Oh right. I've been married twice. My first wife was stolen by Steve Studnuts. She tried to come back to me once he tossed her out the window like a balloon filled with urine. But we got divorced. Then my second wife. Well, she was stolen by a lesbian.
Crowd: JERRY, JERRY, JERRY!
MM: But not just any lesbian. The hottest redheaded witch I've ever seen in my life. The sweetest body.
JS: And what happened?
MM: I forget.
JS: So not only did you screw around on your wife, but you don't even remember it?
MM: That's right, Jerry.
MM: But that's not all. Kay only did whatever she did to me so she could get with my wife!
JS: Kay Fabe is the fling?
MM: Right. My wife was/is Michelle. Divorce. You know how long that takes.
JS: Indeed. Well, Mike, your wife here. So let's bring her out and see what she has to say for herself. This is one love triangle... Wrestling has caused Mike some heartache. Michelle sounds like the victim here, so let's bring her out.
[Crowd cheers. Michelle walks out, waving to the crowd.]
JS: Michelle, welcome.
JS: How did you find out about Mike and Kay Fabe?
Michelle: Well, during one of the BOB events, Mike called me out into the ring and told me that he no longer wanted to share bank accounts or an apartment. In fact, he wanted a divorce.
Mike: Whatever, whatever, if you'd tasted the lesbian's tongue and thought you'd converted her to your team, you'd do the same damn thing.
Michelle: You f****** c*********!
[Michelle attacks Mike, getting the crowd ROARING, and bitch slaps him a couple times before security sits her back down in her chair.]
Michelle: I gave him everything. I'd let him borrow money to gamble. I'd pour beer into his mouth when he was too lazy to get up. I'd dress up like that chick from that show.
JS: Rose McGowan.
Michelle: Yeah, exactly. The bottom line was, I'd do anything for him.
Michelle: Of course.
JS: Bark like a dog.
JS: Strap yourself naked to the top of a firetruck.
Michelle: Yep. Plenty of times.
Crowd: (In disbelief) Ohhhhhhh.
JS: (Diappointed) Mike, Mike, Mike.
MIchelle: He had the hots ever since Kay Fabe started flashing her lesbianism around like some. Lesbian flashing person. Talking about her tongue and her bottom and her pie. That bitch! How could you sleep with her!
Mike: Oh, like you didn't?
JS: Was it out of revenge?
Michelle: That, and horniness.
JS: I see. Well, besides you two, we have Kay Fabe sitting in the back. Let's bring out the third member of this wrestling triangle...AFTER THE BREAK!
Is your sister your mother? Your Dad abandon you when you were three after beating you with a videotape? Were you abducted by homosexual aliens who dressed you up as a sailor and spanked you and shot you up with heroin? Well, Jerry Stranger is looking for you for it's future show: porn stars who are addicted to sky-diving into volcanic areas! Call 1800-SICKFREAK! Now.
JS: We're back, and we're are with estranged couple Mike and Michelle Monroe of Brawlers On a Budget. They were broken up earlier this year, they say, because of wrestling. One person, in particular. Her name. Kay Fabe. And here she is.
[The crowd starts booing, but then upon seeing her, start cheering wildly. She waves to the crowd and lifts up her top to flash her bra to the crowd.]
Michelle: You f***ing p************ bitch!
[Michelle charges Kay and they begin exchanging lefts and rights. Mike gets in the middle of them, but the girls double suplex him through an all too-convenient table.
Crowd: JERRY, JERRY, JERRY, JERRY!
JS: You see? This is why I should be governor. Only in California will you see a love triangle where a lesbian sleeps with a man only to break them up so she can get with his wife. Please, order, order.
[Both ladies take seats. An ambulance drives through the side of the set. Medics get out and tend to Mike.]
JS: Kay, what have you go to say about this triangle you've created?
KF: In my own defense, at the time, the supposedly dead spirit of parody ewrestler was inside of me. I think he was the real cause of this whole problem. Though, I think he's kinda, gay.
JS: Why's that?
KF: Well, I'm a lesbian. And I, really had no interest in sleeping with Mike. But it was a good scheme. I tell you, I just don't know. I guess, maybe I did it. But, I regret it now.
JS: Do you regret sleeping with Michelle.
KF: Well, no, duh, silly. She's a hot chick. Wouldn't you bang her?
JS: A rhetorical question, I'm sure.
Mike: You c***!
[Mike charges at Kay, who stands up and trips him. Mike sits up and stays there, since there are only two chairs at the moment.]
Mike: This is all to be blamed on wrestling.
JS: How so?
Mike: Well, if you think about it, I would have never met Kay Fabe if not for BOB. I probably wouldn't have divorced my first wife because she wanted Steve Studnuts. And then I wouldn't have had to meet Michelle. It's just a big mess, Jerry.
KF: You know, I mean, if Michelle still wanted to...
Mike: No, no, I want to get back with Michelle. My clothes are all wrinkly. I forgot where the dog food is. And my floor had dirt all over it. Come back, baby.
JS: Michelle, what do you want to do?
Michelle: I honestly don't know, Jerry. I mean, I love Mike still, but I'd never trust him again. And Kay, well, she's fantastic in every way, and she's really sweet now, since she got that dead guy out of her. If I had to choose, I'd pick Kay.
[Scotty Whatbody runs onto the show.]
SW: Whatever you choose, take a camera with you. WOOHOO!
[He runs off as the crowd goes WILD.]
JS: Well as a surprise to all three of you, tonight, Kay Fabe will wrestle Mike Monroe.
Mike: I will?
JS: Michelle Monroe will be the referee. Michelle gets the winner of the match!
Crowd: JERRY, JERRY, JERRY!
JS: Now, fans, let's take a moment for us. Mike and Michelle were living a happy life until a hot redheaded wiccan lesbian possessed by the spirit of a supposedly dead parody ewrestler, and by the way, THAT beats that "Elderly Woman" song by Pearl Jam. If you elect my governor, I'll record that song. And I'll also fix taxes, get the Mexicans back to Mexico!
Crowd: JERRY, JERRY, JERRY, JERRY!
JS: Society is decaying. Sometimes, loving somebody is the hardest thing in the world. If you really can't love them and your having a lot of trouble, maybe it's time to come on my show. Be right back with a man who says his life was ruined when he was taught to speak incoherently. His story, next.
VOTE JERRY STRANGER FOR CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR. VOTE JERRY STRANGER FOR CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR. VOTE JERRY STRANGER FOR CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR. VOTE JERRY STRANGER FOR CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR.
JS: And we're back. Please welcome to our set, XXXtreme Machine.
JS: Welcome to the show.
XM: tah;e iyul.
XM: i saed htan u bicht
JS: Thank you, bitch? OK. Now, I understand you used to be able to talk correctly.
XM: tharz riet grry i uss 2 b abel 2 speke nomrl btu ten bihgboss tolxcd mee 2 b hardkoer os i atrrted taklin lyke this n i hav a cpli
[CLIP FROM MMM 3]
XXXtreme: what? i don't want to join you guys.. you guys suck... i'm not a jobber.. i'm hardcore.. really i am..
JS: How very sad. You even had an apostrophe. So, BigBOSS was the man who told you to start speaking like this?
XM: hee saud idt b ent3rt...uh....fuhnkne
JS: Funny? Now, a man can barely speak, but he's not the only one. Also here, is Dyslexic Avenger.
DA: Jerry hi are how you today doing?
JS: What is your story?
DA: Normal I used to be. BOB but want didn't a guy normal. Said I so, superhero how about a? They then really got drunk gave and a book me How called Get To Dummies For Dyslexic. Was I and dummy a, figured I so do it could. Forget now I normal speak to how.
JS: If I get elected governor of California, I will help you.
DA: From am I Albequeque, Mexico New!
JS: Fascinating. Well, guys, now I'm going to put you face to face with the man who made you sound like retards. It's BigBOSS!
[BigBOSS walks out dressed in an orange jumpsuit.]
BigBOSS: Hello everyone.
JS: BigBOSS, how can you sleep at night?
BigBOSS: On a pillow full of cash!
BigBOSS: Honestly, it's hard. But now that I've paid off most of my taxes, it's getting a little easier. They tossed in this jumpsuit as a free gift! And don't I look snazzy too?
JS: I meant look at this. You have XXXtreme Machine, a guy who can barely, live, and Dyslexic Avenger. This is how you create television shows?
BigBOSS: It was either this or do things in a coffee shop. But, we figured, a coffee shop and wrestling, who'd buy that?
JS: You find it funny that these two people can barely speak?
BigBOSS: You have seen BOB, haven't you? Aw, c'mon. Relax. Nobody is forcing them to stay?
XM: yah thhey r wothc thsi
[Cut to the main BOB Headquarters (branch office) in South Bumfuck, Massachusetts. XXXtreme Machine is seen on the deck of an apartment, sneakily peering inside. He then hears a noise behind him.]
XM: o shti a rakoone
[XXXtreme Machine runs away, fearing the raccoon is rabid. Or he's just a sissy. ]
Caption: 20 minutes later
[XM is inside an apartment. He walks to an open bedroom door and approaches. Inside is the faint light of computer monitor. Along the right wall beside the computer table is a big filing cabinet labeled BOBsters contracts. XXXtreme Machine pulls out his.]
[He takes out a match. He lights the paper on fire and drops it on the wood floor. He does a stupid dance.]
God: Well, well, well, what do we have here?
XM: ur dog i thot ud b bigr
God: You can't get out of your contract that easily.
XM: i jsut ddi bicht
God: Open the cabinet. Go on. Go on.
[XM opens the cabinet. He sees his contract is still in there.]
XM o fuk how u do tath
God: Oh, I don't know, being GOD, maybe?
[XM lights the second contract on fire.]
God: Open the cabinet, bitch.
[XM does and groans.]
God: You can never leave BOB, MWAHAHAHAHA.
[Back to the studio. The fans aren't daring to boo God. If that was really him.]
BB: I've never seen that man before in my life.
JS: Who, God?
BB: Yes. Why would God be in an apartment in Massachusetts?
JS: Maybe he's not the God. But maybe he is a god of some sort, who has created a world. A world we're living in right now, perhaps even making up my own words. Do I have free will? I don't know. Maybe this is all a big matrix of some sort. A world hidden inside another world inside of an enigma, wrapped in a mystery. This one doesn't seem like it will get solved. Unless you vote for me for Governor of California!
JS: And tonight, in some very ring, XXXtreme Machine will taken on Dyslexic Avenger, with BigBOSS as the referee. The winner of the match gets a speech therapist.
[BigBOSS, Xxxtreme Machine and Dyslexic Avenger begin stereotypical fighting as we take a short break.]
VOTE JERRY STRANGER FOR CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR. VOTE JERRY STRANGER FOR CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR. If you don't vote for Jerry Stranger, you are a terrorist. VOTE JERRY STRANGER FOR CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR. VOTE JERRY STRANGER FOR CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR.
JS: Up next, viewers, I want to warn you, is the greatest piece of evidence against BOB. Please welcome, Sleazy-C.
SC: Sup bitch?
JS: Not too much. Sleazy, you were leading the JWA, the Jobbaz Wit Attitudez. Then what happened. What broke up the band?
SC: Well, Jerry, Ill b honezt. I got newmonia.
Crow: (Sympathetic) Ohhhhhhhh.
SC: It wuz ruff man. So I let the BigBOSS know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know...you know, and he was like, awwww, I'm so sorry 2 hear that. Your fired. And I gotta tell yall sumthin. Newmonia aint kool. It sux. I cant shake it man. and im affraid this is the end of sleazy. I cant even make my single record man.
JS: I'm so very sorry. How long have you had it?
SC: Since like, Febuary, I think.
JS: Well, let's bring the BigBOSS back out here so you two can fight!
BB: Hey, Sleazy, how we doing?
JS: Uh, Sleazy? Get some help out here. I think he went into a coma!
BB: You did it! You just HAD to bring him out here to tape your show, didn't you?
JS: It wasn't like you're not getting money off this. Your hands are as dirty as mine!
BB: Oh? Well then...Vote for BigBOSS as your new California Governor! I don't live here, but I'm not quite as dirty as Jerry Stranger.
JS: Hey! I resemble that remark!
BB: Hey Death, what are you doing here?
Death: Me, oh, nothing. *Looks at Sleazy*. Nothing at all. *Wipes off his scythe.*
BB: Nice to see you.
Death: Great to be here. How's everybody doing?
[Backboard Barry Brown and Garry The Gurney Greene take out Sleazy-C.]
Death: Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?" The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"
Death: What's that? What the f*** did you just do!
[Oh my lord, Death just attacked and killed a fan with his finger! And down goes another one! Security grabs him and carries him off-stage. ]
JS: I think that's the first time two people have been killed by a guest of mine. Wow. If this isn't reason enough to give me your vote in November, I don't know what is. The campaign trail is only going to get wilder and hotter as we head to Florida next week!
JS: Well, I don't know what to make of this situation. Other than death is never the solution when you are mad at somebody. You may just regret it tomorrow morning when you're being scolded by the police, FBI or God. Be right back.
VOTE JERRY STRANGER FOR CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR. VOTE JERRY STRANGER FOR CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR. Don't be like Osama bin Laden. He wouldn't vote for Jerry. You're not like Osama bin Laden, are you? VOTE JERRY STRANGER FOR CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR. VOTE JERRY STRANGER FOR CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR.
JS: And finally tonight, please welcome Candy Cantaloupes.
Candy: Thank you. *Wink*
JS: I understand you have a not so public problem with somebody.
Candy: That's right, Jerry. At a recent BOB house show, I was backstage, minding my own business, when all of a sudden, DovE walks into my shower, and I'm all naked.
JS: Your private shower?
JS: And what were you wearing at the time?
Candy: Just my birthday suit.
Crowd: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Owwowwowwwwww!
JS: And this DovE fellow, what did he do?
Candy: He looked at my breasts!
Crowd: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Owwowwowwwwww!
JS: Did he look at anything else?
Candy: Yes. He looked at my cookie.
Crowd: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Owwowwowwwwww!
Candy: I was so shocked, I dropped the soap. And he got it for me!
JS: Did you cover yourself up?
Candy: Why would I do that? Look at my body *she says standing up and whipping off pretty damn much everything she was wearing*.
Crowd: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Owwowwowwwwww!
JS: Well, what's the problem then? You have a great body.
Candy: Well, that's not everything. He offered to scrub my back.
JS: Did you let him?
Candy: Well, yeah, he was so sweet. He got in and scrubbed every inch of my body.
Crowd: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Owwowwowwwwww!
JS: So, you now feel violated?
Candy: No, that's not the problem. You see, then we kissed and had sex right there in the locker room.
JS: Is that--
Candy: No. Then we did it about four more times there.
Candy: And he was great. And now, the problem is...I want to marry him!
JS: You want to marry him?
Candy: Yes. I don't know what it is about him, he's just so different from anybody I've ever met. He's clean, he's sweet, he's nice.
JS: So, he won't ask you to marry him? Is that the problem?
JS: OK, let's bring this guy out. DovE! Let him out.
[Here he is. They kiss passionately and Candy presses him down on one of the chairs. Security runs in and pulls her off him.]
DovE; Wow, great welcome. Hi everybody! Nice to see you all!
JS: DovE. We know about you and Candy here, you're little secret.
DovE: Isn't it super? She's such a great girl!
JS: Yes. Well, she has something she wants to ask you here.
DovE: What is it, Candy?
Candy: Oh, I'm so nervous. I, uh, well, I've never met anybody like you before--
JS: Hey! Lookout!
Rear Admiral Ben Dover: Take that, sissy boy!
Candy: What are you doing!
RABD: You can't have him. He's MINE!
Candy: What do you mean? And who are you?
RABD: Ben Dover.
[Candy starts to bend over.]
RABD: No, silly, my name is Ben. Last name Dover. You see, I saw DovE on TV back in the last summer and was just like, 'oh, bring that man to me.' So we met and we had tons of sex for the last several months. And then YOU came along!
Crowd: JERRY, JERRY, JERRY!
JS: So, let's get this straight. Candy, the man you want to marry has been having sex with a homosexual but you've converted him?
DovE: Excuse me, please, Jerry, um, she didn't covert me.
JS: She didn't?
DovE: You see, well, Ben was so nice and he just kept asking if he could kiss me and touch me and play with my wand, well, how could I say no? He was just so polite. But Ben, I guess it's time to tell you face to face. I don't love you. I love Candy Cantaloupes.
RABD: That f***************************************.
DovE: Yep, that's my girl.
RABD: Well, then.
[Dover picks up a chair and hits Candy in the belly with it. He then rams her face first into the seat. DovE asks Dover politely to please stop beating up his girlfriend. Or whatever she is.
JS: I sense a main event here. A hardcore brawl between Ben Dover and Candy Cantaloupes!
Candy: Oh, please, I could beat him with my hands tied to a bedpost.
JS: Alright, fans. When we come back, we're gonna get all these problems solved like men and women. In the squared circle. There are some serious grudges at work here. And it's time to settle them. Vote Jerry Stranger for governor and we'll be right back. Vote Stranger!
VOTE JERRY STRANGER FOR CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR. VOTE JERRY STRANGER FOR CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR. If you don't vote Jerry, we'll cal you gay. VOTE JERRY STRANGER FOR CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR. VOTE JERRY STRANGER FOR CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR.
[We're back. And we are now in a gym, but the fans are all there. They're chanting JER-RY! JER-RY! Jerry Stranger is in the ring to play the announcer. Kay Fabe, Mike Monroe and Michelle Monroe are all there in the ring, Michelle is in a referee get-up.]
The Commentator: Hello everyone and welcome to the Jerry Stranger Infomercial. Great to have you all here for this rollercoaster ride!
JS: Ladies and gentlemen...the opening contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, the referee of this match. Michelle Monroe! Introducing next, Mike Monroe! And his opponent, Kay Fabe!
Voice: Hold on, jerkweeds!
TC: Here comes a real stud! Steve Studnuts!
JS: What is this? Who is that?
Studs: That's right, jerkweeds. Say hello to Monroe's first wife. So why don't we make this more entertaining by including ME in the match.
JS: Who would have expected this development. Let's do it!
TC: Oh, we're in for a hell or a ride now! This match just turned into a tag team affair. And never in my one year in this business have I seen anything like this before!
JS: Hey, Commentator. Good you could make it.
SW: Hey guys.
JS: Scotty, welcome.
SW: I just realized the Commentator was out here. I had to come save this.
TC: You know something, Whatbody, I've been carrying this show for about two minutes now. I think we can survive without you and your sarcasm.
SW: You couldn't talk yourself out of a plastic bag...
JS: Scotty, put that bag down...
TC: Hey now!
SW: Oh, fine, ruin my experiment. Alright, here we go. And did you know Mary Monroe is now Mary Monroe-Plants-Romaine-Fiendish-Hooligan?
TC: That jezebel!
SW: Her name is so long, she has to sign 'to be continued' at the end.
TC: Mary and Kay Fabe lock up. Slam by Kay Fabe.
SW: I'd love to be flat on my back with Kay above me. I think I could convert her.
TC: You'd be as good as converting her as Babelfish is translating French. The fans are electric for this match.
SW: Yeah, makes you wonder why this isn't the main event.
JS: I have a plan. It's all about the ratings and getting myself elected governor of California. Do I have your support, guys?
SW: Sure! I'll move out there, just to register for you.
SW: Well, no, I'm just saying that so other people will buy my enthusiasm.
JS: I hope we edit that out.
SW: You better know how to edit film, since our crew sure as hell doesn't.
TC: If you move to the Sooner state, you'll have good ol' TC's vote. And an invite to come over for a barbecue anytime you want.
JS: Mary tags out to Studnuts. Aww, man, I bet he's been looking forward to getting it on with a lesbian.
SW: Who hasn't? Woohoo!
TC: Amen, brother. Kay Fabe with a punch. Studs with a punch. Kay a punch, Studs returns. Kay whips Studnuts into the ropes. Studnuts was ready for the back body drop. POWERBOMB ON THE WITCH!
SW: Ike Studnuts! Gotta love the heel.
JS: Male on female abuse is nothing to be made light of, Scotty.
SW: Look! He just spanked her!
JS: Are you even listening to me?
SW: Ride her like a horse, Studs, wOOOO-HOOO!
TC: I don't think he was loved quite enough by his mother as a child.
JS: Or any woman since?
TC: But Kay Fabe is tougher than a 2-day-old muffin. She's back with punches. Body slam by Kay! And she smacks him in the ass!
SW: Yeah, Kay! Smack that ass!
TC: And here comes Mike Monroe and his first wife Mary Monroe. They are about to go one on one. And it's just a heartbeat away!
[Cut to a X-ray of a heart beat.]
JS: Mike swings for Mary!
SW: Looks like he had some practice punching. And she got good at ducking. These two domestic violence nightmares know each other quite well after several police reports.
TC: Awww, Scotty. All I know is that action is about to get more.
SW: Say what?
TC: Hmm...my script got gum on it.
SW: I know how to get gum out. Find me some peanut butter and a used tampon. Where is Heidi?
TC: That's quite...um, ok. I can....do that, thing where you aren't prepared with a script.
JS: Ad libbing?
TC: Sure. From where I sit, I see two women chopping each other, uh, meatier than a, uh, pet, um, hellfire!
JS: Here, take my script for God's sake.
TC: By gawwwwd, by gawwwd, it's broken down! This is heinous!
SW: It's a big mess in the ring. Ex-wives, ex-lovers, ex-husbands, ex-evil lesbians, ex of half the roster! Studs and Mary both whip Mary and Kay into the ropes.
TC: Double dropkick misses! And HOW DO YOU LEARN TO FALL FROM TWO FEET IN THE AIR!
KF: Say, Mary, how would you like to become, Mary Monroe-Plants-Romaine-Fiendish-Hooligan-Fabe?
KF: Eventually. Not right now. But, you know, take a trip to Vegas, do some gambling, get ourselves a room, get drunk, get married.
Mary: I have always wanted to go to Vegas.
Mike: Aww, hell. I don't need another ex of mine to go lesbian.
TC: Uh oh! Studnuts has Monroe up! Death Valley Of The Sun Driver! Cover! ONE! TWO! THREE!
SW: Well, that was nice, TC, but Michelle didn't count. Maybe she's natrually blonde and doesn't know how to.
JS: You people really do the commentary for a wrestling federation?
SW: Yeah, why? Oh, look, Studs is about to Bobby Brown that Whitney!
SW: Studnuts throws Mary to the floor as if he's down that a million times. Uh oh. He's getting down on top of Michelle. Kay Fabe and Mary Million Last Names is leaving the ring. They're KISSING! YES!!!
TC: In my one year in this industry, I have NEVER seen any lesbian kiss like THAT!
JS: Talk about popping ratings.
TC: Scotty's about ready to pop, if he hasn't already. Studnuts has a finger on Monroe. He lifts Michelle's hand up. One. Up and down again. Two. Up and NO! Mike Monroe stopped it. He pulls Michelle up to her feet.
JS: I smell a reunion. Look at that look. She's grateful.
TC: BY GAWD! BY GAWD! CLOTHESLINE! CLOTHESLINE! CLOTHESLINE! Studnuts damn near broke Mike Monroe in HALF! Damn him! Damn him to HELL! Go to hell and die you son of a bitch, Studnuts! DIE!
SW: Uh oh! Death Valley Of The Sun Driver on Michelle Monroe! Studnuts puts Michelle face first in Mike's crotch! And her legs are over Mike's face! Isn't that how they met one day after a drunken night at a party?
TC: Studnuts is laughing. The SON OF A BITCH is laughing!.
SW: So, who wins?
JS: I do. The ratings are great! Infomercials equal ratings!
VOTE JERRY STRANGER FOR CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR. VOTE JERRY STRANGER FOR CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR. Can you say drunk naked lesbian parade? VOTE JERRY STRANGER FOR CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR. VOTE JERRY STRANGER FOR CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR.
JS: Hello fans, and welcome back. The following get your grudge on match is scheduled for one win. Introducing first, in the corner, standing backward, the Dyslexic Avenger! And his opponent, standing in the bad grammar corner, XXXtreme Mchaine! I mean, uh, Machine!
SW: Mchaine? Is he Irish now?
JS: And the special guest referee...BIGBOSS.
TC: What an auspicious way to continue this Infomercial.
SW: And here we go. Mentally challenged wrestling if I've ever seen it.
TC: And here we go!
SW: Hold on! BigBOSS is calling for the match to end? We didn't have any moves happen here?
TC: Let's see what BigBOSS is telling Jerry Stranger.
JS: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, this match has been ruled a double disqualification due to writer's block!
BB: Thank you.
TC: And that son of a bitch wins. Neither of his people get to learn the English language.
JS: Well, since I'm still up here, we might as well have our HARDCORE MAIN EVENT!
Crowd: JERRY, JERRY, JERRY!
SW: Yes, alright, woohoo, let's get it on.
TC: What is up here?
SW: The show's running a little short, we need filler! Filler filler filer filler! And the skimmers won't even notice that this whole little spot is filler. And we'll probably need some more filler in a little bit.
JS: Now coming to the ring, please welcome, Candy Cantaloupes, Ben Dover and DovE!
TC: This one's gonna be hellacious and Satanic and down right evil!
TC: Stop that.
SW: We're almost there, don't worry. Stranger will probably do some stupid long round up to explain what we've seen here this morning. And our apologies to the other 49 states, but we really needed the money.
JS: This should be great. Candy vs. Ben Dover. The two people who love DovE.
SW: They LovE DovE.
TC: Candy has a wireless mic. Oh, she hits Ben Dover in the forehead. He falls down face first.
SW: No, that could NOT have...
TC: HE'S BUSTED WIDE OPEN! It's a bloodbath!
JS: The ratings!
TC: Ben Dover is back to his knees. He grabs an AOL 8.0 disc. He grabs Candy. NO! NO! NO! Candy is busted wide open!
SW: No! She'll be scarred. Wait a second. A chick just bladed in BOB?
TC: That disc lacerated her flesh!
JS: DovE is in the ring now.
DovE: Enough! Enough! Ben, please let me have Candy!
SW: That's it for the hardcore? Damn, I was hoping Candy would lose her top. That would be extreme!
[Cut to Styles.]
Styles: OH MY GOD!
[Back to the gym.]
RABD: I'm afraid I can't do that, DovE. For you see, I'm PREGNANT!
Candy: You're, WHAT?
RABD: I'm pregnant, with DovE's child!
Candy: No, no! It can't be! *She runs off crying*.
[Stranger gets into the ring.]
JS: Hold on, hold on, hold on. How can you be pregnant, Ben. You're a man.
RABD: Actually, no, I'm not.
RABD: Let me explain. I had a sex change. I'm actually a woman. I couldn't stand being a woman though. So I changed to become a man. I just couldn't stand being all pretty and stuff. I wanted short hair, but I still wanted to have sex with men.
JS: How did you have a sex change then if you're still a woman?
RABD: I had a bad doctor.
JS: Wow. What a show. What a show. Viewers, you're not going to get any other governor who will give you this brand of entertainment.
TC: He has turned BOB upside-down and spun it around!
[Everyone walks back into the ring, except for Sleazy-C and Death.]
JS: Well, now, a moment for us. (He grabs a folding chair and sits in the middle of the ring as everyone stands behind and around him, holding lighters in the air.) What have we seen here tonight. A lot. We saw Mike Monroe and his estranged wife Michelle, come together again. What is their future? Well, whatever happens, it's not going to be easy. It's going to be a long road for trust to be regained.
JS: And what of Kay Fabe and Mary Monroe-etc.-etc. Will they get married? Is Kay just a user. My guess is yes. She is a woman after all. And we all know women think about nothing other than sex. Let's hope that one day Kay learns the error of her ways, and Mary stops getting manipulated by everyone who gives her a nice compliment.
JS: We also saw Steve Studnuts. It appears he will never learn and is destined to become a megaheel. But it may just be an empty life for that man, if he continues to abuse everybody in his path. For, after you have destroyed everyone, who is left to share it with.
JS: We saw BigBOSS continue to use writer's block as his crutch. Will he be able to shake his troubles? Only time will tell on that one. And his under-educated friends are doomed to live in BOB until they finally find the internal strength to break free and escape from this hell known is BOB. Kurt Angel did it. Maybe, one day, you will find a way to get out too.
JS: Sleazy-C? Well, we've learned that pneumonia is a deadly disease, and if you have unprotected sex, you are open to getting the disease. That and monkeypox, West Nile disease and SARS. So close those legs and look at porn.
JS: Death, one day will have to learn, that anger is not a reason to kill. Instead, there is a higher purpose to death. And only God knows what that is.
JS: And what have we learned from the main event? That everyone is completely f***** up. I'm Jerry Stranger. Asking for your vote. Because your vote is for a new America. A good America where people speak well, where writer's block doesn't exist, where people don't kill for the sake of killing, where people have full sex-changes to avoid pregnancy, and where people have a reason for being bad instead of just being bad.
Studs: Shut up, jerkweed.
JS: So, November is just a little bit away. Give me your vote. You won't regret it. I'm Jerry Stranger. Trust me! Good morning.
[Credits roll. Everyone fights.]
Caption: The preceding was paid for the elect Jerry Stranger for California governor campaign.
©2003 BOB Wrestling. Still, the most fucked up show on the planet.