The 12 Days of Christmas, fWEo style
On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
12 Warriors Rambling...
11 Steves Clotheslining...
10 Heftels Jobbing...
9 Parkas Shimmying...
8 Spheres Ruling...
7 Ken Wars Dying...
6 Bam Bams Celebrating...
5 STUMP Squad Shirts...
4 Duggan "HOOOs"...
3 Bottles of Soda...
2 Inanimate Objects...
And Senor Funpants In A Pear Tree...
LIVE from Beaverton, Michigan
December 24th, 2002
Amends: Act I
Adam Nowell couldn't sleep.
Mainly because the Preliminary Wrestlers were right outside of his room somewhere in Beaverton, Michigan, and they had been practicing their Christmas carols for the last hour, now. He had yelled at them to shut up, and even threw a shoe at the door, but that just caused Bill White to yell at him to shut up.
Adam briefly wondered what it said about himself if the frigging jobbers amongst the jobbers are telling him to shut up.
Then, he had a vision. A vivid one.
About the time that he jobbed to Pain and Suffering.
He sat up quickly, and looked around.
"Aw, man, what the hell was that?" Adam Nowell asked himself.
"You tell me." a voice with a German accent said. Nowell turned around quickly and saw that his former tag team partner, Hans Krueger, was sitting on a table near him.
"What in the hell?" Nowell asked.
"Ah, vut deed you vink ze hell vus going on, hmm?" Krueger said, showing off his ugly stained teeth toward his former partner.
"Well, for one thing, I can still see that you haven't learned about the finer qualities of good dentistry," Nowell snapped, "I mean, geez, ever heard of Colgate? Crest? Arm and Hammer? Or maybe battery acid. Battery acid might have a shot in cleaning those little bastards."
"Are you mocking me, Nowell?" Hans asked, unamused.
"Well, hell, everyone else around here mocks me. I think I deserve the honor." Nowell said.
"Zah! You allow yourself to be so tainted by zese... idiots!" Krueger yelled, offended, "You deny ze truth! Zat you... are a jobber."
"I haven't even jobbed clean since I got here, moron."
"Yet, you deed much of it in ze Asylum." Krueger argued.
Adam stood up and faced the German, "Okay, Hans. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't knock your face off."
"I can geeve you two. One, ze human body generally cannot apply enough force to knock faces off. And two..." Hans said, before Nowell was hit with another flash, this time of himself being thrown from the Asylum cage to the floor by Fear. This flash seemed to have a physical effect on Nowell, as he staggered back. He tried to punch Krueger in the face, but he missed due to the German not being there any more, and comically slipped on a banana peel that somehow managed to enter the room.
He passed out after he landed on his face.
Another STUMP Squad Christmas: Act I
Black Quicksilver, best known for being the leader of the STUMP Squad, walks out of the bathroom, soak and wet. He's wearing nothing but his mask and a towel around his waist, preparing for a small Christmas Eve get-together he's having with some of his fWEo friends. He walks out into the kitchen and grabs a soda, whistling as he does so. He grabs the soda, shuts the refrigerator door, and turns around, where he sees Stump, 1-2-3 Kid, Claire, and Nitro Girl Siren sitting in the living room area of the apartment.
"Oh! Claire! Siren! I didn't hear you two come in!", BQ says, before turning to Stump and Kid. "Why didn't you two tell me?"
Before either of them could answer, Siren spoke up.
"Uh...this is MY place...you got here twenty minutes ago and said you had to use the bathroom."
BQ stared blankly at Siren. "Oh." BQ then backed up slowly until he was back in the bathroom, and shut the door, apparently going to get changed back in the clothes he showed up in.
Kid just sat there not knowing what to do. He was too shy to talk to girls, and didn't know what the hell Stump was. Siren got up from her chair and sat next to Kid on the couch, pushing Stump aside.
"So what's your real name?"
"Um...I don't know anymore. They just call me "Kid"."
"Is...um...Siren...is that your real name?"
"Oh...okay...Allison. That's...um...that's a...uh...pretty name..."
Siren smiled at Kid as Stump tried to start a conversation with Claire.
Claire apparently wasn't paying attention to Stump.
Still no response.
Claire happened to look over at Stump. "Just to let you know...if you can understand me, and if you're trying to hit on me, I don't want any."
As Stump sat there looking dejected, the bathroom door opened, and out walked BQ. He stretched as he walked into the living room and sat down on the empty chair. He noticed everyone looking at him, and he gave them a "nod".
"Sean...where are your pants?", asked Claire.
Claire motioned for BQ to look down, so he did.
"Wait...those are mine!", Siren shouted.
BQ jumped up and freaked out. "Man, I KNEW I didn't wear pink shorts! Especially ones THIS short! And in the winter time!" BQ shook his head and walked back into the bathroom, as Siren buried her face in her hands. Kid contemplated putting his hand on her back, but of course, was too nervous.
"Hey, does anyone know when Mike and Kev are gonna be here?", Claire asked.
Santa Funpants: Act I
"You must put on this suit, Mr. Sucka."
Senor Funpants was trying hard to resist.
"Look at me, you ridiculous turd," Funpants said to T. "I will NOT be Santa Claus."
"If you resort to negativity, I'll have to bring in Barney, the Positively Purple Dinosaur.
"Did you decide to just not hear me?" Senor Funpants, glaring at La Parka, was disgusted. He knew what was coming, and worse, he knew he couldn't stop it.
Senor Funpants wore red. Red everything. Hat, shirt, pants, shoes. Red all the way through. He didn't appreciate it, however.
"This fucking sucks."
"Ok, Scott, here you go."
"Dude," Texas Kid said as he hopped on Santa Funpants' lap, "I'm Texas Kid!"
"Whatever douche bag. What the hell are you doing on my lap?"
"What's that poking me?"
"What did you say?"
"Dude, are you poppin a boner?"
"I am SO not poppin a boner! What the hell is this? ...a pen? T!"
"Ok, fuck you. La Parka, why do I have a fucking pen in my suit?"
"Fine. Alright, let's get this over with. What the hell do you want, Hart? A fucking push?"
"Again, I'm the TEXAS KID. And what do you mean, a push?"
Funpants got up, shoving Texas Kid to the ground.
"Son," Texas Kid said, getting up. "That wasn't funny."
"Actually, it was."
"I'm sorry, Senor Funpants," said a man walking towards him. "I'm the CEO of All Things Not Funny. We'd like to make you a spokesman."
"I'm sorry, what was that?"
Funpants then pushed the man down.
"Now, THAT was funny!" said Texas Kid.
Sphere and the Janitors of Christmas: Act I
Meanwhile, outside of Adam Nowell's room, the Preliminary Wrestlers have all lined up outside of the hotel in Beaverton where everyone seemed to be. They all held sheets of paper and read them and sang horribly and offkey.
We wish you a Merry Christmas;
We wish you a Merry Christmas;
We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Good tidings we bring to you and your kin;
Good tidings for Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Oh, bring us a figgy pudding;
Oh, bring us a figgy pudding;
Oh, bring us a figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer.
We won't go until we get some;
We won't go until we get some;
We won't go until we get some, so bring some right here.
We wish you a Merry Christmas;
We wish you a Merry Chr--
They would have finished the song, had Sphere not gone up to the second story window directly above the Preliminary Wrestlers and dumped an entire bucket of Dr. Pepper Red Fusion soda all over them.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh ho ho! That was good! Too good! Incredibly good! Oh, I just KILL me! I mean, on a scale of one to awesome, I'm BEYOND awesome!" Sphere ranted, as his stunt caused him to topple over back-first on the floor, and quite literally was rolling on the floor in his laughter.
Mike Clark turned to look at Bill White, "Dude! We're covered in Red Fusion!"
"Yeah. Yeah, we are." Bill White said.
"So, what do we do about it?" Bob Smith asked.
A light bulb suddenly went off in Dan Williams' head.
"Put out that light." Joe Brown requested.
"But, but... I have an idea! Yes, it is a good idea, an--" Dan said, before he was interrupted by Sphere.
"NO!" Sphere yelled from above, "No no no! There is no WAY you idiots are getting more segment time than I am! That is totally impossible! I forbid this!"
He dumped another bucket of Red Fusion all over the Preliminary Wrestlers.
"You want to drive around in our van? Aimlessly?" Dan Williams asked the rest of the crew.
They all agreed.
Sphere continued to howl in laughter.
The Quest for the Gold Christmas Tree: Act I
The fivesome of Mega Job(we are including Oddjob and Ken War here) observed a void that occupied a part of the hotel. The members of Mega Job who had been watching, which didn't include El Janito since he was busy drinking tea and reading the Wall Street Journal, weren't exactly thrilled at the prospect of that void, and they wanted to resolve to make this void not there.
Unfortunately, none of them could think of anything. Mainly because Oddjob couldn't be heard(and actually had some good ideas on what to do about it), Ken War was busy picking his nose, Steve didn't care, and Beef was a moron. Finally, Beef turned towards El Janito with a concerned look on his face.
"Janito," Beef said, "We have a problem."
"Oh, and what in the bloody hell would that be?" Janito asked, looking up from his tea table. He saw what the others were staring at, and grumbled.
"So what? It's an empty bloody spot."
"See? That's the problem. We want to fill that spot," Beef said, "The trouble is, none of us are really quite sure what to fill it with."
Then, suddenly, a light bulb went off in Steve's head, and he boomed but a single word that would send Mega Job spiralling into yet another wacky adventure.
"hay, sum o es dunt sellebrat kuresumasu!!111" Ken War protested.
"Ken, you do celebrate Christmas. Christmas is hardcore." Beef said, with a sly grin. This was all the convincing Ken War needed, as he raised his arms up into the air and bellowed the mighty catchphrase that brought him into stardom.
"But hey, Steve's right. It's Christmas. So, what does the holiday that we call 'Christmas' entail?"
"MISTLETOE." Steve boomed in a guess.
"Bloody egg nog!" El Janito suggested.
"persants??/" Ken War also suggested.
"Trees! Christmas... trees. The kind you put up and have pretty multicoloured lights and feathered boas all around it. The kind that you hang large ornaments that would later be used in a Test segment on! The kind that you place a star right at the very top of it to complete it, much in the same way that a cherry would complete a chocolate fudge sundae! Not to mention the fact that we could hang candy canes on it!" Beef ranted, before he turned to Ken War, "And Ken, what do we know about candy canes?"
"dey r hardkorr!!11" Ken War said, excitedly, literally jumping up and down with delight over the idea.
"Holy on a bloody second," Janito said, "If my knowledge of the delightful little calendar of the Romans serves me correctly, Christmas is tommorow. How in the sodding hell are we supposed to find a Christmas tree so close to the BLOODY HOLIDAY IT REPRESENTS, you wankstain?!"
Beef thought about it. Then he remembered something important. But then, just as quickly as he remembered it, he started thinking about how hot Libby McCheese was, and how much he would love for her to shack up with him and make sweet love. Janito had to literally smack him in the head to get his attention again.
"Dammit, Beef! How do we hatch this 'brilliant' plan you have concoted?"
"Well, that is..." Beef stuttered, not willing to inform Janito that all he's been doing is thinking about sex for the last minute. It should be noted that it was around this time that Evil-Lyn happened to walk in. She sighed when she saw the five members of Mega Job, because she knew that this wasn't going to be a really fun thing for her to walk in on.
She was noticed by El Janito.
"Ah! Miss Evil-Lyn. How good of you to join us in our delightful argument, perhaps you could share some of your wisdom?"
Evil-Lyn crossed her arms and rolled her eyes, "Whatever."
"We were wondering just how to go about finding a Christmas tree." Beef said.
"DIFFICULT." Steve added.
Evil-Lyn thought about it for a moment, before it dawned upon her that Christmas was the day after today. "You're kidding, aren't you? That's bordering on impossible, there."
"Then, I guess, that means..." Beef said, looking sad. This made Evil-Lyn terribly glad, at least, until Beef's eyes lit up again and he raised his fists into the air.
"WE'RE GOING ON A QUEST!"
"Oh, my dearest Skeletor, this is not looking to be a day for the record books..." was all Evil-Lyn could say in response.
"Quick, everyone! TO THE JOBMOBILE!"
Sphere and the Janitors of Christmas: Act II
"Yes, that was quite marvelous. I loathe preliminary wrestlers, and I loathe Red Fusion Dr. Pepper, so it's fitting that they end up TOGETHER! I RULE! How much? THIS much!"
Sphere celebrated the fact that he drove the preliminary wrestlers away from the hotel where some of the fWEo stars were staying, and clapped his hands together.
"Now to go dream about Siren and money!"
Sphere climbed into bed, and within minutes, faint whispers can be heard coming from his mouth.
"Oh...oh yes. Bring them RIGHT HERE. Your boobs, too! Yeah, that's it...just...wait, no, don't kick me in the face! This is MY dream! This...huh-buh-duh-muh-nuh-puhhhhhh....."
While Sphere was, indeed, dreaming of Siren and money, a bright light shined into the room. The kind of light that wouldn't normally shine. Then figures started swinging into the room from the building across the street.
Three janitors. All dressed in glowing uniforms(obviously glowing just because of the bright light and the glitter), and little angel wings on their backs.
A scream and a loud WHUMP that was heard moments later indicated that there was a fourth.
"Aw, man, Eight missed the window." Janitor Seven said.
"I told you his rope was too long. :-/" Nine said.
"Who said that?"
"Oh, man. :-(" Nine said, shaking his head sadly.
"Hey, which one of us meanieheads are going to meanieheadingly wake him the meaniehead up?" Eleven asked.
"I'm not doing it."
"Neither am I, meaniehead." Janitor Eleven said.
"I'll do it! :-)"
"Okay, so neither of us want to do it." Seven said, completely ignoring Janitor Nine.
"What about meanieheadingly Eight?"
A grumble was heard, as a fourth Janitor slowly collapsed into the room from the window.
"Why, oh why, did I let you guys talk me into coming? I don't even know this Sfear guy you guys are talking about." Janitor Eight said. As he said it, the words "SPECIAL GUEST STAR: JANITOR EIGHT" appeared at the bottom. It vanished shortly thereafter.
"Hey, shut up! We need someone to go wake him. I don't want to do it, Eleven doesn't want to do it, so we figure that you'll do i-"
"SHUT UP, ALREADY!" Sphere screamed, scaring the hell out of all of them.
Eleven had to think fast. He shoved Janitor Seven forward and then leapt out of the window, grabbing Janitor Eight's rope as he left. Janitor Eight jumped out the window, too, but he didn't have a rope, so he fell to the Red Fusion-covered snow, below. Janitor Nine also leapt out the window, and fell next to Janitor Eight.
Janitor Eight silently wondered where that second WHUMP came from.
Janitor Seven groaned, and walked over to Sphere.
"Who the hell are you?"
"We are the Janitors of Christmas!"
Sphere decided not to ask why there was only one of them, but decided to ask a different question.
"Why are you the Janitors of Christmas?" Sphere asked.
"We're on the low end of the holiday spectrum. It was either this or we could be the Ghosts of Arbor Day." Janitor Seven said.
"I don't care if you ended up being the Kristi Yamaguchi of Rosh Hashanah, what the HELL are you doing in my room?", Sphere angrily asked Seven.
Janitor Seven pulled out an index card and read it, "Greetings. You have been chosen to be apart of the Janitors of Christmas special. As a result, you will be visited by three... wait, is that right? Three? Heh, okay, whatever..." Janitor Seven said, pausing before he continued, "Three janitors. They will show you all of your wrongs. And apparently, if you stick around, we might show you some porn."
Janitor Seven tossed the card over his shoulder when he was done.
"Yeah, so, there you have it."
"Alright, look...I'm going back to bed, and if you're still here when I no doubt wake up in the middle of the night, I'm gonna....wait, do you work for me?"
"Um...I believe I do."
"Then, yes...if you're still here when I wake up, your ass is fired."
Janitor Seven jumped out the window without even having to think about it, and Sphere went back to sleep...for now.
Santa Funpants: Act II
Senor Funpants looked dejected.
Even more so, he looked angry.
"Why hasn't this thing ended yet?"
"We have to waste this much tape," said the fWEo's #2 cameraman. He held up three rolls of film.
*sigh* "Fine. Who's next?"
"Waru? Oh Jesus H. Christ, this just got tons better."
Waru walked over, and sat down on Santa Funpants' head.
"What are you doing?"
"What, that's not your lap?"
"No, it's my head."
"Heh heh, SBD," Waru muttered as he began moving.
"WHAT did you say?" Funpants demanded angrily.
"Oh. I just farted. My bad."
Waru slid down onto Funpants' lap, and began grinding on him, much like an exotic dancer would. Funpants, being the homophobe that he is, freaked out.
"What the fuck?!"
"What?" Waru said sheepishly. "I'm just trying to get comfy. Jesuth Christh."
"Ok...that's enough," Funpants said. "Get up."
"What? But I didn't even get to tell you what I want?"
"You told me 17 times yesterday! You want Action Hero Barbie."
"Pfft. So? She's awesome! She's got her 'You go, girl!' grenades!"
"You're so fucking ridiculous, I should kick you in the junk."
"Well, maybe you *should*. Wait..."
And so, Funpants kicked Waru in the junk. Waru fell, his face a bright blue. He was gasping for air.
"Well, I got one of the things on my list," Funpants said, quite amused with himself.
Another STUMP Squad Christmas: Act II
"JESUS CHRIST! YOU KILLED SANTA!"
Mike Heftel was set to tear the hair right out of his head, as he stared at the body of someone who had walked right into the path of the car Jackhammer was driving.
"I told you, Michael. The fault was all his. Remember, I'm not one to place the blame on other people, either, so you *know* I'm telling the truth on this one."
"Well...yeah, I guess you're right....but...since you killed Santa...do you know what that means?"
"I do not...and, since I'm the straight man here.....what does it mean?"
"Well, it's quite simple. YOU have to become Santa. It says so right on this card."
"Where'd you get that?"
"I pulled it out of this guy's pocket."
"Give it to me."
Heftel handed Jackhammer the card.
"This is his business card. He works at the law firm of Handner, Comline, & Reney."
"Yeah, you know what? I'm going to ignore that. You're Santa, and I'm your head elf. Now let's get this suit off him and find me an elf suit."
"Oh? And just WHERE are we going to find yourself an elf suit?"
Heftel ran across the street, as Jackhammer sighed and removed the Santa suit from the unconscious body.
Meanwhile, back at Siren's apartment, Kid had apparently warmed up to Siren.
"So, yeah...he threatened to send me to Hell and then rule over me or something. I'm not sure, but a red hot poker or two up the ass is probably in his plans."
"Oh my God, that is SO mean! I can't stand him, he's just really, really disgusting."
"I can hear you, you know!", came a voice from the bathroom.
"Sean, they're talking about Sphere!", Claire yelled back to the voice.
"Oh. Heh heh heh...hey, remember the time..."
A "plunk" was heard.
No one bothered to ask BQ what happened, and resumed their conversation.
"So, um...you got a nice place here", Kid said to Siren.
"Thanks. How about you? Where do you live?"
"Under BQ's bed."
Siren turned to Claire, who just shrugged.
"I'm going to remind everyone that no one presently in this room can understand that thing", Claire said to...well, no one in particular. Shortly thereafter, the bathroom door opened, and out walked BQ. He walked into the living room, and everyone noticed his attire at the exact same moment he did...
He was wearing his jeans, but also had on a blue sports bra.
He continued to walk around the living room, walking in a circle, eventually winding up back in the bathroom, without ever saying a word.
"Alright, seriously, can't he find his OWN clothes?", Siren asked.
"He's a weird guy", Claire told her.
"He's my mentor", Kid told her.
Claire rolled her eyes, but then realized something.
"Please don't tell me it's happening."
"No, I am NOT a parking ticket!"
"What? That was...that was lame."
"Uh...Claire?", Siren asked.
She looked at Stump.
The Quest for the Gold Christmas Tree: Act II
"How can you drive this thing?" Evil-Lyn asked Beef as they sat in the Jobmobile.
She had chosen to ride shotgun, and there wasn't a lot any of them could do about it considering the fact that she could kick all of their asses and none of Steve's offense would work against her. Beef sighed and decided to explain the Jobmobile to her.
"Well, I know the steering wheel looks odd, but trust me, it's pretty cool." Beef said, gesturing to the steering wheel that looked more like it had come straight out of a fighter jet. In fact, a lot of the Jobmobile seemed to come from a vehicle like an airplane, because there were a great deal of knobs and switches on the dashboard, most of which Evil-Lyn dared not to touch, for fear of something horrible happening as a result.
Evil-Lyn looked at Beef questioningly, and attempted to retort, "It's no-"
Beef interrupted, "Moving it to the left steers it to the left, and moving it to the right steers it to the right. Pushing it forward would give us a powerdive if we are, in fact, in midair. Pushing it backward... generally does the same thing. We hadn't really given the whole 'this car can fly' schtick a careful thought, actually."
"I can see that, bu-" Evil-Lyn tried again, but it was no use. Beef was on a tangent and he damn well intended to stay there.
"I'm pretty sure you're wondering what the red button on the steering wheel does, so I'm going to explain it. First, I have to press this button up here," Beef said, pushing a white button on the dashboard, which sent it flashing, "Then, I align the car so it faces something, and then I hit the button."
*Batman sound effects*
BUDDA BUDDA BUDDA BUDDA!
Something in front of the Jobmobile exploded.
Beef swerved to avoid whatever it was that had exploded, before he turned to Evil-Lyn with a grin.
"See? Pretty damn neat, huh?"
"I was actually about to complain about the horrible excuse of a paint job this thing has. Did you ever think about getting it redone?"
"You should see what it looked like when the FtfWo were around. Whoever had that done had the worst taste ever." Beef said, head still turned to Evil-Lyn, with his eyes starting to wander down to her cleavage. Evil-Lyn was about to slap the crap out of him, but then her eyes went wide, before she turned to Beef again.
"What was that about this thing not having flight capabilities?" Evil-Lyn asked. Beef, being none the wiser, explained it, unaware that the Jobmobile was now rapidly approaching what had to have been a cliff.
"Well, when Janito and I proposed this idea to the Super Secret Batmobile Car Company, they explained to us that we could get all of the stuff we wanted, but since the vehicle was too... big, was it, Janito?"
"Yes." Janito said, in his obviously-fake-British-accent.
"Yes. It was far too big for them to install the flying equipment. Why do you ask?"
Evil-Lyn didn't respond with anything more than a point forward, in the direction that Beef had failed to look at for this entire time. Beef turned, and saw that they were just four yards from a cliff that they couldn't avoid.
*Batman sound effects*
Suffice to say, the Jobmobile was quite totalled after it fell off the cliff. Now, normally, this would hurt a bit, but since this is the fWEo, there's bound to be some unhurt, but shaken up survivors.
"MOTHERFUCKER." Steve boomed, as he delivered the Clothesline From Shanghai to a broken side of the Jobmobile, causing it to create an opening in the very same shape as his three foot, nine inch frame. He then proceeded to reach back into the remnants of the Jobmobile and pull out Oddjob, who had also survived the fall.
"Beef, a tip for you if you want to survive in the road..." Evil-Lyn said as she pulled herself out of the wreckage, "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!!!"
Evil-Lyn frowned as she surveyed the damage caused to herself. Yup. She had broken a nail.
"Geez, sorry, I had no idea." Beef said.
"You're bloody right you had no idea! You never have any of those sodding things in the first place!" protested El Janito, as he crawled out of the wreckage just behind Beef. This left just one Mega Job member unaccounted for.
"Aw, man, he died again, didn't h-"
"huly crep, det wuz hardkorr!!11" Ken War shouted, as he crawled out of the wreckage, shockingly unscathed.
"Dear Eternia." Evil-Lyn whistled, "He's not dead. Why isn't he dead? This is the guy that dies from a fish scale accident, for crying out loud!"
"hay, doze skayles wre cawite poyzunes!11" Ken War argued.
"Well, no use arguing over that," Beef said, "We should perhaps continue on our...
*echo* ...QUEST FOR THE GOLDEN CHRISTMAS TREE!!!"
Janito tapped Beef on the shoulder.
"Christmas trees are not usually golden, you tw-"
"THIS ONE IS!" interrupted Beef.
Evil-Lyn rolled her eyes at this.
Stranded in Beaverton
Bill White, Bob Smith, Dan Williams, Joe Brown, and Mike Clark stood around and looked at the smoldering ruins of what used to be their van. Joe Brown turned to look at the van that had inexplicably blew up their van, and watched as it drove straight off of a cliff.
Mike Clark turned to look at Bill White, "Well, that sucks."
Bill White sighed, "Yeah. Yeah, it does."
There was a pause, before Bob Smith stated the obvious, "We're stranded. In what some people around here call the Sixth Ring of Hell."
Bill White sighed, "Yeah. Yeah, we are."
There was another pause, before Joe Brown held up a package of marshmellows, "Hey, guys, want to use the flaming ruins of our vehicle to fry some marshmellows?"
"Hell yeah!" Dan Williams hooted, as he handed out sticks to the rest of the jobbers. Then they all stuck marshmellows at the end and held them up to the flames.
And with that, the five jobbers all started a chant, raising their roasted marshmellows in the air over and over again.
"Marsh-mell-ows! Marsh-mell-ows! Marsh-mell-ows!"
Sphere and the Janitors of Christmas: Act III
It had only been about five minutes, but Sphere had awakened from his sleep again. He hopped out of bed and walked over to the mini-fridge, looking for something to drink. He opened the door, and was surprised to find a bottle of 7-UP, a bottle of Cherry 7-UP, and a bottle of Surge having some kind of party.
"Well, look at us, with our decorative labels and bright light! *I* am having WATER! Ha!"
Sphere grabbed a bottle of water and closed the door to the mini-fridge. He took a sip of the water and turned around.
Sphere spit the water all over Janitor Nine.
"Hey! Yuck! You spit water all over me and it's REALLY gross! :-("
"WHO are you?"
"Well, I'm the Janitor of the Pa..."
"Wait, wait. More importantly...how did you get in here?"
"Through the window. ;-)"
"What is with everyone climbing in here through my window tonight? First a bunch of janitors and then some homeless guy!"
"Hey! :-( I'm not homeless! I live in the great sponge base of the Elite Janitor Squad of Destruction and Cleanliness! I'm Janitor Nine! :'("
"Look, I don't know who you are, but I'm supposed to be visited by the Janitor of Christmas Past sometime soon, so just take the burnt piece of toast on the dresser over there and get out of here before I give you a job and fire you."
Sphere walked over, sat on the bed, and reached for the remote, as Janitor Nine stepped in front of the TV and tried to plead with him.
"But, I told you, I'm... :-("
Sphere turned the TV on. "Yeah, that's some great story you got there, now get out of the way."
"As Janitor Eleven says... you meaniehead! >:o"
Janitor Nine looked sad, and went to jump out the window. Before he did, though, he glanced at the burnt toast. He then shrugged, took the toast, and then leapt out of the window.
Amends: Act II
Adam Nowell knew this scene.
Red candles were scattered throughout the bedroom, providing the only light. All of the candles flickered from an unseen breeze, shadows jumping on the walls and the floor with each invisible breath. Nowell was in his bed, lying upon his black silk sheets, he picked up a handful of red rose petals and slowly let them trickle through his fingers. Outside, the crashing of the waves upon the rocks on the beach could be heard, providing a relaxing, yet romantic soundscape.
He was dreaming.
But something was different. No, it wasn't the fact that he was nude, that was nothing new for this dream. And it wasn't the fact that warm, wet, sticky blood filled his belly button. And it wasn't even the fact that Eliza Dushku was chained to his wall.
It was the fact that somebody was laying on top of him. Nowell looked down and saw the top of someone's head. And then felt the soft lips on his belly. He grabbed a handful of her long, blondish-brown hair. And then she looked up at him and smiled.
Sarah "The Jobber Slayer." She licked her lips and kissed her way up and then pinned his hands to the matress and stared down at him. Not saying a word.
Man, why couldn't life be that perfect?
Well, unfortunately for Nowell, life was definitely not perfect.
"Oh, Angel!" Sarah yelled, "You're the best jobber I've ever slept with!"
Oh dear God, tell Nowell he's dreaming. TELL HIM!
Sarah leaned down and whispered something in his ear. But it sure wasn't the words he wanted to hear. Those being "You're dreaming," and it's something far too graphic to be mentioned on Christmas Eve.
Nowell's expression went from a variety of different emotions. From surprise, to shock, to absolute horror, and then disgust.
"You're kidding. You want me to put it WHERE?!"
"Oh, Angel," she moaned out. "You're so stiff."
"SLAY ME. SLAY ME NOW!"
Nowell looked around for something to connect to, other than the crazy blonde that straddled him. He saw, past a group of candles, a small group of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. These weren't ordinary sandwiches though. They were evil peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, that walked and talked and plotted world domination and, for some reason, yelled out in German.
"What the hell?!" was all Nowell could say in response to it.
And then he woke up.
Another STUMP Squad Christmas: Act III
Jackhammer and Heftel were back in their car, Jackhammer driving and wearing the Santa suit, while Heftel was in the passenger seat, wearing an elf costume.
"This is just a little too small for me", Heftel said as he tried to stretch out the top to his elf costume.
"Well, you DID steal it from a lawn gnome."
"Hey, I was doing the world a whole lot of good! Gnomes are evil, and shouldn't be dressing up like elves!"
"Gnomes are evil?"
"Alright, maybe REAL gnomes, but inanimate gnomes that adorn one's lawn? Give me a break, Michael."
"Haha. Good show. Nelle Carter showed that broom who's boss EVERY DAY in the opening credits!"
"Yes, yes, whatever. Alright, I have this bag of presents...what do I do with them? There's no way you're going to make me slide down a chiminey."
"Oh, oh, of course not. I remember the last time *I* tried to slide down a chiminey. Seemed like only yesterday."
"It was right after you stole the elf costume."
"Yeah, and lemme tell ya, that sure wasn't Jack Frost nipping at my ass!"
Jackhammer contemplated slapping himself, but remembered that he was driving. Just then, Heftel pointed out the window.
"Look, there's some guy walking down the street! Here, give him this!", Heftel tells Jackhammer as he takes one of the presents out of the bag.
"I will attempt to do so", Jackhammer tells Heftel as he rolls down his window, and then takes the present. "Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Seasons Greetings!", Jackhammer yells as he tosses the present out the window, hitting the man right in the head.
"Ooh, there's another one!", Heftel yells, shortly before he hits a woman in the stomach with another present.
"Ho ho ho and all that good cheer", is the best Jackhammer could do as he heaves yet another present out the window at a passerby.
"Eat my garland!"
"Peace on Earth and good will to all men!"
"Uh...uh...peace on all men and good will to Earth! WHOOOO!"
The car continued on down the road, on the way to Siren's apartment, while, a few blocks away...
"Hey...what happened? Where's my suit? And the presents?"
And speaking of Siren's apartment...
"Just...just get him away!", Claire pleaded, right when BQ walked out of the bathroom.
"Alright, I KNOW these jeans are mine, and I don't think Siren has a three year-old Al Snow shirt. Hell, I don't think anyone except for *me* has a three year-old Al Snow shirt."
"Sean!", Claire shouted with....joy? Yes, that's what it sounded like. Claire ran behind BQ, who was finally fully dressed in his own clothes.
"Uh...you just ran up to me and you're hiding BEHIND me....you usually run away from me and hide FROM me. And...Kid's talking to Siren? Siren....the girl, Siren? Did I just step into some bizarro world?"
"I don't run from you!"
BQ ignores Claire as he looks into a mirror. "No, no, wait. If this was a bizzaro world, I wouldn't need this mask. But this is still really weird, and God knows I'm not use to all this weird stuff going on around me."
Claire decides against it, and starts to speak to BQ. "Sean...it's Stump...I can understand him!"
BQ lets out the girliest gasp in the history of girliest gasps.
The Quest for the Gold Christmas Tree: Act III
"Okay, just to recap here, we're looking for an apparently golden Christmas tree, your idiot car has crashed and burned down a cliff; everyone, even that IDIOT who can't seem to speak properly, survived, and we're now wandering around quite lost." Evil-Lyn recapped.
"Good recap! Worthy of Sluggy, right there, Evil-Lyn. However," Beef complimented, as the six of them(including Oddjob) were now wandering around a snow-covered forest somewhere that none of them were sure about, but of course, Beef had his pride, and he wasn't about to let Evil-Lyn spoil his unnaturally good mood, "We are certainly not lost! I know exactly where we're going."
It just so happened that they had wandered right into the path of a group of eight creatures. These creatures were short and squat, with giant noses. They wore big metal helmets and generally looked like a bunch of mean hombres. There was one in particular who stood out amongst them, who wore a crown instead of a metal helmet. He looked even more surly and mean than the rest of them.
For those in the uninitiated, it was really quite simple who these guys were.
They were the Evil Gnome Army.
"HARK! We are the great, mighty, and absolutely feared Evil Gnome Army of Deepwithinthefuckingundergroundah!" the crowned one introduced, "And I am the Evil Gnome Leader! Leader of the great, mystical force that is the Evil Gnome Army!"
Beef turned to El Janito. Janito turned to Steve. Steve turned to Evil-Lyn. Evil-Lyn proceeded to not care. Since Evil-Lyn didn't turn to him, Ken War simply turned to Oddjob.
Oddjob didn't do anything.
So, Beef spoke up, instead.
"Um, so, who are you guys again?"
The Evil Gnome Leader slapped himself in the head.
"You know who we are! We are the evil masterminds behind all of your woes! We are those who will kill you in your sleep! We are those who dwell beneath you! We eat you starting with your bottom!"
A disgusted "Ewwwww" came from the fWEo crew.
"You're disgusting!" Beef yelled, offended, "Who would feel threatened when your big schtick is to eat our bottoms?"
"Hey! That's n--" the Leader tried to counter, but he was next interrupted by El Janito.
"You twat! You cannot simply go around and talk about bottom-eating, you bloody toerag!" Janito yelled.
"But I--" again, the Leader tried, but this time it was Steve who interrupted.
"Hey, you're no--"
Evil-Lyn rolled her eyes, "Are we going to fight, or what?"
And then, something occured that probably should not have happened: Ken War interrupted the Evil Gnome Leader, "wat, r u ay poosie, evel nom leder??// u r nto hardkorr!!11"
Well, that did it, because the Evil Gnome Leader didn't try to scramble for a response. He simply pulled out a big fog horn from literally out of nowhere, and blew into it. A rumbling sound was heard in the distance, as the Evil Gnome Leader merely laughed.
"Muwahahahaha! Now you will feel the indomitable wrath of the Evil Gnome Tanks of Deepwithinthefuckingundergroundah!"
"Hey, you ever notice that your lips don't match the words that you say?" Beef asked, suddenly.
"Ha! It matters not! It is time to die!" the Evil Gnome Leader yelled, before he and his soldiers started to run away. Evil-Lyn turned and stared at Ken War.
"Why did you have to go and... exist?" Evil-Lyn asked, just as a large Evil Gnome Tank burst out of the ground behind Ken War. An Evil Gnome Tank was merely a tank which, instead of having a turret, had two large hands that dug at the ground. Its only "weapon" was to basically run people over.
It tried to run over Ken War to start with, but for some reason, the driver lost control of his vehicle and it rammed right into a tree, which toppled over toward Ken War. However, the tree suddenly arced away from Ken War at the last moment and landed on the tank instead.
Naturally, the rest of Mega Job, as well as Evil-Lyn, were absolutely stunned by Ken War's sudden inability to die.
"What in the bloody hell was that!?"
Ken War shrugged and came up with a solution, "huly sheeeet!!11 ets a kuresumasu meeracul!!11 dats hardkorr!11"
Evil-Lyn rolled her eyes, "Great, the idiot who dies a lot is protected by Christmas Miracles. What's next?"
More Evil Gnome Tanks.
Beef wasn't about to rely on Ken War's Christmas miracles to stay alive.
With two Evil Gnome Tanks in hot persuit.
Santa Funpants: Act III
"Who's next? Can I kick them in the junk too?"
"The Bears? Oh shit."
"Move the fuck outta my way before I eat yo ass, bitch!"
Evil Smokey the Bear walked up with Ted. E. Ruxpin. Ruxpin couldn't speak; however, he had cards with words on them. I forget what they're called. Who cares. Go fuck yourself.
Evil Smokey tried to sit on Funpants. He ended up trying to swallow him.
"You fucking bear, don't eat me."
"Shut yo mouth, you hippie bitch. I'll snap my switch off in yo ass."
"Yeah, that's right, fuckah."
"Just shut up and tell me what the hell you want."
"Bitch, I want some fuckin weed, yo. And I want some fuckin honey. You best hook me up wit dat shit."
"Yeah, and get the little homey a fuckin tape."
"Do you want some porridge too?"
Funpants began to snicker to himself. Evil Smokey the Bear didn't find that too funny. He stuck Funpants in his mouth, then spit him out.
"You find that shit funny, you fuckin Santa Claus?"
The Quest for the Gold Christmas Tree: Act IV
"Amendment to that last recap," Evil-Lyn said, as she ran along side-by-side with Beef, El Janito, Steve(carrying Oddjob with him), and Ken War, "We're looking for a gold Christmas Tree, your car fell off a cliff, the idiot with a speech impediment is being protected by some kind of ongoing Christmas miracle, we've managed to piss off an army of midgets, and we're now being chased by two tanks."
"Yup," Beef said, "That's about the gist of it."
"Okay, just so we're clear, I now hate all of you more than ever." Evil-Lyn said.
They dashed through the forest, trying hard not to look behind them to see the two tanks chasing them, knocking over trees as they did so.
"Your mouth says that," Beef said, "But I bet your body doesn't!"
Evil-Lyn briefly considered the possibility of whacking Beef over the head, letting him fall on the ground, and then gleefully watch him be run over by the Evil Gnome Tanks, but by the time she had executed the first two-thirds of the plan, it all became a moot point.
Because yet another Christmas Miracle occured.
As Beef toppled to the ground from Evil-Lyn's backhanded slap, he inadvertantly landed right on a plunger that seemingly wasn't there two seconds earlier. Then, suddenly, a load of dynamite exploded directly underneath the Evil Gnome Tanks, which exploded brilliantly into millions of pieces.
Evil-Lyn stopped running, as did the rest of Mega Job. Evil-Lyn has pretty much just given up trying to explain the absurdity of her trip with Mega Job thus far, and instead just possessed a look of "WTFMF?!" on her face. Steve looked at this and pointed.
"Okay, I'm starting to wonder about this miracle thing," Evil-Lyn said, "I mean, this is supposed to be a RARE thing. Did the Heavens themselves just get a surplus and are now handing them out like cotton candy at a circus?"
"COINCIDENCE?" Steve asked. By this time, Beef got up, and was holding his crotch in pain.
"If this is a coincidence," Beef whined, "Then it HURTS!"
"You deserved it, anyway, you bloody toerag." Janito quipped. However, before Beef could retort, his eyes caught eye of the crater that was left from the dynamite explosion. For hidden amongst the crater was a hole that led to what was apparently a cavern system.
"There!" Beef shouted, pointing at the hole.
"Zuh?" Evil-Lyn asked, "It's just a crater."
"it's a hardkorr carter!!111" Ken War yelled, pumping his fists into the air. While he was doing this, an Evil Gnome Soldier tried to get the drop on him with a big axe, but as he did so, one of his comrades, who had been blown skyward by the dynamite explosion, fell right on top of him at this precise moment, killing them both.
Ah, those blasted Christmas miracles.
Evil-Lyn merely sighed, "Let me guess. You want to go into that cavern just so you can get your jollies in watching me break another nail."
"Why, yes!" Beef said, excitedly.
"I am so going to kick your ass when we get back." Evil-Lyn said.
"Was that some delightful innuendo, Lady Evil-Lyn?" El Janito inquired.
Amends: Act III
Adam Nowell was now offically very, very afraid.
For one thing, he had that dream involving Sarah "the Jobber Slayer", that lunatic girl that just simply will not leave him alone. Then there was that thing with Hans Krueger.
Happilly, the Christmas carolling preliminary wrestlers were long gone, and if Adam had known that their van had been exploded by a runaway Jobmobile, he might have actually smiled. However, he didn't know, and worse yet, he had noticed the presence of the Referee.
Nowell grumbled and rose to his feet, and shook his head to rid himself of those miserable cobwebs that had managed to get into his head. Nowell wondered how exactly cobwebs get into one's head in the first place, and he also briefly wondered why they would want to be in a person's head anyway.
But, of course, by this time, he probably didn't notice that the Referee was now walking toward him.
"I just thought I'd come by to tell you that I reviewed your debut match."
"Referees do not review matches that occured more than a month ago." Nowell said, idly, as he warilly sat down on a bench and looked up at the Referee.
"No no, see, it's been bothering me for a few weeks, now. So I reviewed it. And, you know, due to you using an illegal international object, I'm afraid I will have to reverse my decision and award the match to Dan Williams." the Referee told him.
It took Nowell a few seconds to register this before he responded.
"WHAT?! Huh!? Excuse me?! You can't POSSIBLY be serious!" Nowell protested.
"Ah ah ah!" the Referee said, "If you're going to complain about this decision, then..."
And then suddenly, abruptly, the Referee suddenly grew breasts.
This is mainly because he was shape-shifting into who can only be described as Sister Payne.
"I'll have to cut off your--" Payne said, but before she could finish the statement, she suddenly grew about two feet, lost her breasts, and turned into the Underweartaker.
The Underweartaker said nothing. He merely looked down and stared at Adam Nowell's crotch.
Nowell looked up at the Underweartaker, then saw where he was staring at, and looked down at his crotch. He remembered just who the Underweartaker was, and spoke up.
"Hey, look, big guy, I wear boxers. You're out of luck, there."
The Underweartaker suddenly disappeared, but not before giving him a smiley.
It was this one.
The Quest for the Gold Christmas Tree: Act V
"Okay, I hate to pull a recap here, but this is really getting annoying to keep up with," Evil-Lyn sighed, as the six of them wandered around in an underground cavern, aimlessly, "We're after a gold Christmas tree. Your van fell off a cliff. Stupid over here is protected by a Christmas Miracle. These same miracles have prevented us from dying a slow, horrible death at the hands of a bunch of midgets with big noses. And we're now wandering around in a cavern with no real direction."
"We are not lost!" El Janito yelled, "We know precisely where in the bloody hell we're going!"
"Okay, smart guy, where are we going?" Evil-Lyn asked.
"Well, that is..." Janito stuttered, but in a moment, it wouldn't matter, because three Evil Gnomes jumped out in front of the gang.
"Aw, bloody hell." Janito said.
"You're not going anywhere!"
"Yes, we are! We're going right into PANIC MODE!" Beef yelled, panicking.
"No, you're not! Stop panicking!" one of the gnomes yelled.
"Oh, sod off back to Deepwithinthefuckingundergroundah, you Deepwithinthefuckingundergroundian bastard!" El Janito yelled, before he reached into his utility belt, pulled out what Evil-Lyn thought was a letter J, and tossed it toward the Gnomes. This is a normally ineffective attack, as Janito tended to do a pelvic thrust before tossing the damn things. Not to mention that anybody who threw letters at their foes were either idiots, or they had a letter fetish. And Janito firmly belonged in the A column.
However, it surprised all of them when, though the J completely missed them and embedded itself into a stone pillar, it did crack the already fragile pillar. The pillar tumbled back toward the Evil Gnomes, and crushed them quite messily.
A nearby Evil Gnome Soldier saw this, and wasn't too happy.
"Man. I didn't want this. All I wanted was for a few Evil Gnome Sluts to give me some good old-fashioned Evil Gnome Head. But noooo... I have to deal with a bunch of morons and..." the Gnome said, before he got a good look at Evil-Lyn and got lost in a bit of lust, "...one hot mama. Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Evil-Lyn pulled out a sign. It said, "PLZ DIE THX". She saw what it said, and cast an evil gaze at Ken War, who merely smiled and went on to rant about all things "hardkorr". Evil-Lyn turned back to the Evil Gnome Soldier, and proceeded to smash him in the noggin with the sign.
He fell over and proceeded to dream some Evil Gnome Dreams.
Evil-Lyn casually tossed the sign over her shoulder, which would have decapitated Ken War under normal circumstances. However, it stopped short of Ken War in mid-air and just abruptly fell to the floor.
Steve pointed at this.
Beef, meanwhile, glanced around the corner into another cave. His expression turned to that have surprise and delight and he shouted excitedly toward the other four members of Mega Job, and he waved them over.
"Look! Look! I found it! The Golden Christmas tree!"
Oh, Beef found it all right.
Too bad there were like thirty Evil Gnome Soldiers doing the Evil Gnome Tribal Dance of the Golden Christmas Tree, directly in front of it.
"Is it just me, or am I getting the slightest bloody hint of deja vu?" El Janito said.
"Well, this sucks." was all Evil-Lyn said in response, "We might as well give up, I don't feel like breaking another nail. I don't feel like going down to that Hell."
"No! Wait! I'VE GOT A PLAN!" Beef said.
"I take that back, Hell would be much nicer."
Sphere and the Janitors of Christmas: Act IV
Sphere had managed to fall back asleep, while the TV was still on. He wasn't asleep for long, though...
Janitor Eleven had just swung through the window again, but couldn't stop his momentum before he hit the TV.
"AHH! They're gonna get me, help befo....huh? What? What happened?" said a startled Sphere, who was awaken by the sound of Eleven crashing into the TV. Eleven dusted himself off and introduced himself.
"Meanieheadingly HI! I'm the Janitor of meanieheaded Christmas Present!" Eleven introduced.
"Janitor of Christmas *Present*? I'm still waiting for the Janitor of Christmas Past!" was Sphere's response.
"Well, I don't meanieheadingly know where he went. I mean, we had this meanieheaded covered, but meanieheaded Past decided to no-meaniehead-show." Eleven said.
"You know, for a group of janitors, you're VERY disorganized."
"We're meanieheaded JANITORS, working for the fWEmeanieheadedo! We're not supposed to be meanieheadingly organized!" Eleven pleaded.
"Alright, alright, whatever. Now, what are you here for?" Sphere asked.
"Why, I'm meanieheaded here to show you... THE MEANIEHEADED PRESENT!"
"I don't care if you're here to show me Kristi Yamaguchi."
"STOP MEANIEHEADINGLY SAYING THAT!"
"No," Sphere said to Eleven, shortly before picking up a shoe and throwing it at his face.
Eleven grumbled, "Meanieheadingly fine! I'll just show you what your meanieheaded actions today caused!"
With a wave of his mop, Eleven took Sphere to the wreckabe of a car, where the Preliminary Wrestlers were still roasting marshmellows.
"What the....are we in Hell? At last! You, go get me some hot demon sex slaves! And where's Ken War? I want him to kill himself over and over again for my personal amusement. And by "personal", I mean JUST MINE. If you laugh, or applaud...whatever...then I'll have you killed, and you'll eventually wind up back here, where I'll shove my pitchfork up your ass on a daily basis!"
"We're not in meanieheaded Hell."
"Are you positive? I see fire, I see employees of mine, and I see some pretty crappy land formations!"
"We're in meanieheaded Beaverton. It's not supposed to be meanieheaded pleasant. Plus, you're the cause of all of this meaniehead!" Eleven said.
"Did you just call me a meaniehead?"
"Yes. Yes, I meanieheadingly did."
"Do you work for me?"
"If I meanieheaded do...will I be meanieheadingly fired?"
"Then I do meanieheaded not. Toodles."
With that, Eleven left.
Just like that, Eleven had vanished, leaving Sphere stranded in Beaverton with the five preliminary wrestlers.
"Is he SURE I'm not in Hell?"
The Quest for the Gold Christmas Tree: Act VI
"Okay, so," Evil-Lyn started, preparing for another pointless recap, "We're looking for a Christmas tree which is right in front of us, surrounded by thirty bad dancers. Your car blew up. Ken War's protected by a Christmas miracle. It's dark. And we're, for some reason, now wearing sunglasses."
Indeed, they were, as Evil-Lyn and all five members of Mega Job, even Oddjob, were wearing sunglasses.
"Well, I thought it'd be a classic look, you know?" Beef said.
"It sounds more like someone wanted me to quote the Blues Brothers." Evil-Lyn pointed out.
Then they all looked upwards. Even Oddjob.
"Ah, who gives a sodding crap? We have the bloody plan, don't we?" El Janito asked.
Evil-Lyn rolled her eyes, "No, idiot, we don't have a plan. The only plan you guys have made since we got here was to put on sunglasses and reference Dan Aykroyd movies. As a matter of fact, I'm stunned that we haven't just tried to march up there, chop the damn thing down, and have the midget carry it."
Beef and Janito high-fived.
"YES! YES! BRILLIANT PLAN, EVIL-LYN!!! NOTHING WILL GO WRONG WITH THIS ONE~!" Beef shouted, getting the attention of everyone in the cavern.
This included the Evil Gnomes, who had abruptly stopped the Evil Gnome Tribal Dance. The Evil Gnome Tribal Music stopped playing, while the Evil Gnome Virgin Sacrifice breathed a slight sigh of relief, because she wouldn't have to be stabbed in her Evil Gnome Heart with an Evil GNome Knife for the sake of pleasing the Evil Gnome Corn God with the Evil Gnome Sacrificial Ritual of Evil Gnome Death and Evil Gnome Donuts.
One wonders why the Evil Gnome People of Deepwithinthefuckingundergroundah puts "Evil Gnome" in front of just about everything that has to do with them.
Mega Job and Evil-Lyn didn't really care at the moment.
Evil-Lyn groaned as they were surrounded by thirty disgruntled Evil Gnome Tribal Dancers, armed with Evil Gnome Spears and generally looking like a bunch of meanieheads.
"IDIOT." Steve commented, wanting badly to whack Beef in the balls with the Clothesline From Shanghai, but a spear was pointed at him, so he couldn't do much of anything at the moment.
"hay, des esnt hardkorr!!111" Ken War commented.
Evil-Lyn turned and pointed an accusing finger at Beef.
"This is your fault, you know! YOUR FAULT!"
"Wah." was all Beef could say.
Santa Funpants: Act IV
"No no, no no no no no," Santa Funpants said, looking at the Ultimare Warrior. "That pillowbiter isn't coming near me."
"You will let him sit on your lap, and you will let him have Christmas glee," Mr. T said.
"Why the fuck are you speaking in Uzbekistanian? That idiot fuck isn't coming NEAR me."
"Ah, the great Warrior nation understands the cry of the Skeletor. The Warrior nation once tried to assist the great He-Man against your race, DEFEATING the likes of Skeletor everywhere. But the He-Man, he says he can do it himself. He HAS THE POWER. The Warrior nation, the ONE Warrior Nation, did not take that kindly. For you see, when it's sunny, or maybe rainy, or snowy, but not too snowy that it affects your driving, the postal service will be there. You WILL get your Christmas packages. You WILL get your fancy clothes, robes, jewelry, all that you desire. The postal service, like the ONE WARRIOR NATION, will be there day in and day out. And like the great plague, 2/3 of the population DOES like pepperoni on their pizza. And the Warrior DOES believe in the Easter Bunny...but you, Santa Claus, you defy my beliefs. You defy your own existence in my presence. The great Warrior nation was informed at age eight, when the Great Warrior Nation was a small Warrior village, that you did not exist. And yet, you are here. So next week, on WWF Superstars, I WILL defeat you Rick Rude. And I WILL make you PAY!"
"Ok, that's it. I've had enough," said Funpants. "Give me a gun and let me shoot myself now."
"Oh, and I'd like a bicycle," said the Warrior, walking away.
Funpants looked down for a moment. Thank God he didn't sit down, he thought. Then, he looked up.
And the Renegade was on his lap.
"Are you fucking kidding me? You again?"
"I'm a WCW ripoff," Renegade said.
Amends: Act IV
Styles was standing in front of a huge red banner, adorned with the yellow letters making up the word BOB, hung on a wall in his basement. He was standing and wearing a headset and looked at the camera.
"Hello everyone and WELCOME to Styles' BASEMENNNNNT! I am Styles!"
A knocking on the door broke the moment of scene setting. Styles grumbled and walked past some steel folding chairs on the floor. Suddenly, his head was yanked backward and he fell to the floor.
"Oh my GOD! I must be DEAD!"
Knock, knock, knock.
"No. He gets up," Styles said, commentating on his trek. "I'm back up and heading to the door! Styles opens the door. OH MY GOD! It's ANGEL! WHAT'S HE DOING HERE? HE HAS NO BUSINESS IN MY BASEMENT!"
Nowell looked troubled.
"Er, what the hell are you doing with that on?" Nowell asked, pointing at Styles' headset.
"One day, BOB will actually have a new show. And I want to be ready. But what business is that of yours?"
"Well, for one thing, you look like a moron, but I'll let it slide since you always look like a moron. I, uh, can't believe I'm asking you this, but I think I might need your help."
"You want my help? That's funny. Well actually, it isn't funny. Your chimney must be clogged. You must truly be a few feathers short of a whole duck to be asking for my help."
"Tell that to the duck."
"HEY, FUCK YOU, I'LL KILL YOU. THEN SPACECOP WILL RAPE YOUR CORPSE!!!" a smiley, which resembled this: =<>, said.
"OH MY GOD! I SLAM THE DOOR SHUT IN TERROR!"
"Hey! My nose!"
Styles opened the door and stood back, looking at Nowell. Suddenly, Styles was holding a microphone and had it pointed in Nowell's direction. "Try anything funny and I'll make you cut a promo."
Nowell sighed, and tried to walk in, but he couldn't. There was something that kept him from walking in.
"Um, what the hell?"
Styles looked at Nowell, who was outside the door. "What's the problem?"
"I can't come in! What the hell?"
"Hmm..." Styles put a finger to his chin, trying to figure out the problem. "Ahh..." Styles grabbed a piece of paper and starting scribbling away on the pad of paper and handed it to Nowell. It said: "You are cordially invited to attend a segment with Styles in his basement. RSVP by Dec. 24."
Nowell, to his surprise, found himself able to walk in. "Huh? What? Zuh? I don't get it."
"OH MY GOD! So many guests! Whatever will I do? I would've planned better if you had RSVP'd. But your welcome to have some green apple pie and all the sautéed dust bunnies you like."
"I'll... pass. Listen... Styles. I'm being plagued by something. It's really creepy. I think I'm seeing th-" Nowell started, but stopped when he saw who he thought was Sister Payne stand behind Styles.
"Th-? That sounds serious! I haven't heard of a Th- being in these parts in YEARS. OH MY GOD!" Styles ran to his video library and began thumbing through old wrestling tapes.
"Um... uh... Styles?" Nowell stumbled, as he saw Sister Payne start making death threat gestures while looking at him.
"Oh dear lord. I'd suspected the Th- might come back some day, but I never dreamed..." He pulled out a videotape. "Wait a second. That's not Th-, that's Neige 13 I was thinking of. Don't tell me it's Neige 13 Angel! ANYTHING BUT THAT!"
Nowell seemed worried, and seemed to actually know what Styles was talking about. "You mean, that big jobber demon with eight horns, sixteen thousand teeth, a mouth as wide as Rikishi's ass, and haunts the dreams of those that are talented?"
"Umm....quite right, actually," Styles said shaking his head in disbelief. "But what is this Th- you speak of? It sounds quite interesting and new."
Nowell was about to comment, but then he saw that the Underweartaker was directly behind Styles, and seemed to be staring at his ass. Nowell panicked and pointed behind Styles, "AHH! LOOK OUT, STYLES! HE'S GOING TO TAKE YOUR UNDERWEAR!"
Styles turned around and only saw a little Raven WCW action figure. Styles picked it up and began bouncing it in his hands. "Take my underwear, nevermore!" he said mockingly. He mocked the toy! Or was it Nowell?
Nowell blinked. Was he hallucinating?
"Er, um, you know what? I think... yeah, I think I should, like, leave. Or something." Nowell said, backing out of the room.
"But we haven't advanced the plot at all. How am I supposed to help you if I don't know what's wrong with you? Hallucinations? Lack of push. Hysterical pregnancy?"
"What, you're the only one who can hallucinate?"
"But, but... there's a referee right behind you, looking to make a pinfall count!"
The referee waved and smiled at Nowell.
Styles scratched his head. He then took off his glasses and wiped them with his tie. As he put them back on, he jabbed himself in the eye. "OH MY GOD." THEN, Styles turned around. Nothing there. No referee. No nothing.
"Right, well you're quite mad," Styles concluded.
"I don't see Underweartaker, Sister Payne or a Referee behind me."
"Well, okay then, I'll just be on my wa-" Nowell started, but then stopped when what Styles said registered, "What did you say?"
"Umm. OH MY GOD?"
Nowell sighed, "Forget it. I think I'll just go back to my room and yell at my hallucinations for the rest of the day."
"Well, I'll look into this Th- phenomenon for you. Merry Christmas."
Nowell ran away from Styles as fast as he can before he could hear him say "OH MY GOD!" again.
Another STUMP Squad Christmas: Act IV
"Golden...Kevin Golden...he's the greatest guy in his-tor-y....from the...state of C-A...he's about to hit a Christmas tree!"
"Michael, you stole that parody from The Simpsons."
"Um, but you really *are* about to hit a Christmas tree. Looks real pretty, too."
Jackhammer tried to slam on the breaks, but it was too late. The car collided with a giant Christmas tree that was on display in the town square, and all the lights that lit up the tree went out. People shouted. Children cried. Jackhammer and Heftel just sat in the car.
"Geez, and you're supposed to be the SERIOUS one?"
"How can we take you seriously when you're an absolutely HORRIBLE driver?"
"Well, I don't expect to be taken seriously while affiliated with you. After all, I don't matter."
Jackhammer and Heftel got out of the car and decided to walk to Siren's place, removing their outfits as they did so.
"Hey Kev...you celebrate Christmas, right?"
"Yes, I do."
"But...aren't you Jewish?"
"No. What gave you that impression?"
"Didn't you used to wrestle with the Star of David on your tights?"
If it wasn't Christmas Eve, surely Jackhammer would've ripped Heftel's head off after a comment like that. Instead, he just pushed him into the path of an oncoming bicycle.
Back at Siren's place...
"Sean...what do I do?"
"Just...uh...calm down? Yeah, that's it. Besides, what's wrong with being able to talk to Stump?"
"It's gonna turn me into....", Claire said, before stopping to look at BQ, who was waiting for an answer. "Um...I mean...it's fine? Yeah, that's it. Besides, what's wrong with being able to talk to Stump?"
"That a girl.", BQ told Claire as he slapped her on the back and walked over to Stump.
As BQ walked away, Claire realized what she had just said and placed both hands on the side of her head. "WHY?", she shouted to herself.
As BQ conversed with Stump, Kid continued his "conversation" with Siren.
"So...yeah, I stole the money and we've been friends ever since."
Siren giggled and put her hand on Kid's. Kid looked down and was a bit confused.
"Um...was there a bug on my hand?"
Before Siren could answer the STUMP Squad-like question posed to her, BQ walked over to them, carrying Stump.
"Hey Siren, Stump says you're really blonde, but I think that's your real hair color, probably cause I didn't see any of that fake dye crap in your bathroom. Now, which one of us is right?"
A tampon fell out of the back of BQ's mask.
Everyone looked down at it once it hit the floor.
Siren looked at BQ, who struggled to come up with an excuse.
"Okay, seriously, I have NO idea how that happened."
Amends: Act V
"Knock, knock," Sarah said, pretending to knock on Styles' door, which was actually open, thereby making it air she knocked on. But can you really 'knock' on air? And luckily, she wasn't alone. Following her inside were Kay Fabe, Xamfir and Jeannie.
"Oh Sarah, you just missed Angel."
"Is it Sunday?"
"No. I meant, um…he was here."
"Oh?" she asked raising her eyebrows as a hint of a smile crept on her face.
"He seemed a bit, well, mad, really."
"Are we talking Little Good mad or Ike Turner mad."
"Umm, more, Little Good. He didn't take a swing at me, I guess. Right, so, he referred to the Th-. And he seemed to be suffering from some sort of, well, hallucinations. I think."
"Hi," Xamfir said. "Nice to see you too Styles."
"Don't I get any dialogue," Jeannie whispered to Xamfir.
Xamfir shook his head. "No, this is the fWEo. Women just shut up and look pretty here."
"Oh," she said smiling. "I can do that," she said with a smile.
"I'm starting to think that there is a more EXTREME force at work here for bringing Angel to the fWEo," Styles said.
"More evil than Evil Smokey The Bear?" Sarah wondered
"OH MY GOD yes."
"What makes you think that?" Sarah asked.
"Just a hunch, really. Kay. Since you're so good with that, thing, I was wondering if you could look up something on that, thing."
"The computer?" Kay Fabe asked. "Well, Kay Fabe is more familiar with lesbian chat rooms, but Kay Fabe will give it a shot." She took a seat at the laptop computer and began typing Th- into a search engine. "Ah, here we go."
"Did you even hit return?" Xamfir asked.
"Oh, don't point out plot holes," Styles scolded as everyone gathered around Kay, who amazingly, got the exact match she wanted on the first try.
"This web site refers to the Second Cousin of the First Evil," Kay Fabe told everyone. "They could have made Nowell come to the fWEo."
"They?" Styles asked.
"The High Priests of the Second. Cousin of the First Evil."
"Then we've got to stop them," Xamfir said.
Everyone looked at Xamfir. There was no love lost between Angel and Xamfir. There wasn't? Sure. Just keep telling yourself that.
Styles put on his bestest end of the world voice. "The Second Cousin of the First Evil. Oh dear lord. Sarah, you can't fight the Second."
"I can't fight the second?"
Kay continued on. "It says they will speak only in slow sentences and laugh at everything they say. They are the harbingers of weed. No pot shall grow above or below them without being smoked."
Suddenly, a fence was kicked open. Sarah was power-walking in a pot garden. She suddenly came to a clearing. "This must be iiiiiiiiiiiiit"
Hysterical laughter followed as Sarah landed in a little cave under the weed garden.
"Duuuuude. It's raining, chicks!"
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA, everyone laughed.
"Awesome," one of the other Stoned Priests said. "Man, I'm so wasted."
"You'rrrrre soooo wasted, man? Duuuuude, I'm hiiigher, than GOD, man!"
Sarah stood up and dusted herself off. "This is my competition?" She kicked one of the Stoned Priests of the Second. Cousin of the First Evil.
One of the Stoned Priests squinted. "DUUUUUUDE. You're harshing our buzz!"
"Very impressive," a voice said behind Sarah as the third Stoned Priest of the Second Cousin of the First Evil fell asleep.
Sarah turned around and came face to face with Sister Payne. "You won't get Angel in the sack!"
"I don't WANT Angel in the sack," she said. "But IF I wanted to, I could. You think you could fight me? I am not just a jobber little girl. You can't even conceive…"
"I can too conceive. I'm just very careful!"
The Second Cousin shook her head. "I am the First Jobber! Beyond talent. Beyond pins. I am the thing that all viewers fear. You'll never see me, but my jobbers are everywhere. Every loss, every bad promo, every pathetic appearance on a TV screen, every blown spot…"
"OK I get it, you're a jobber. Do we have to chat about it all day?"
The Second Cousin didn't miss a beat. "Angel will be dead by sunrise. You're Christmas will be his wake."
"Aren't I Jewish?" Sarah wondered about herself.
"You have no idea what your dealing with here," The Second Cousin reminded Sarah.
"Let me guess. A jobber?"
Sarah and the Second Cousin stared at each other. It was a rather uncomfortable moment. Sarah tapped a finger against her lips. The Second Cousin looked at her watch.
"I told you you couldn't fight me."
"Well, maybe I can't fight you. But I can go save Angel from making a big mistake. Well, another big mistake."
Sarah ran to go find Angel. Outside no doubt, since that's where Angel went the last time he was feeling the need to get a suntan.
Gathering of the Old School
"We're here in the Control Center, where I can tell you pissants to shut up," Sean Mooney began. "I can also tell you that I've been handed a sheet that says 'Comey is writing this'. I can instantly tell you that this won't be funny. Not only am I involved, but the worst writer for this Godforsaken company is doing this sketch. I mean..."
"Shut up and come have a beer, carrot top." Larry Zbysko
"How dare you use His name without capitalizing it. Who are you, Big Shot?"
"Big Shot's a fucking goober," Reginald VelJohnson said. "I remember this one time, on the set, and Big Shot was all like 'Look at me, I'm gonna be the grandma! I punched him where he stood, and then danced on his privates."
Everyone nodded, before Virgil broke in.
"This one time, I had the Million Dollar Belt with me...I had to take it to the hardware store you know, and do some things that one normally does with his MDB...by that I mean Million Dollar Belt...and Big Shot was all like 'Hey, you're all about Velocity!' I did my sugar dance and kicked that chicken's ass!"
"Hey, that other dickwad, that Renner..." broke in Jim Duggan, "he said to Comey that we're irrelevant. He's a HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Well, we are," said Bam Bam Bigelow. "I mean, when I ripped the spine out of that midget clown...was that necessary? I mean, if it weren't in a ring, I could have been fined!"
"Well, there are just some days where you have to rip the spine out of a midget clown." said Kevin Greene. "Hey, Mongo...would you read some of my poetry?"
"Sure," said Mongo, wearing glasses and sipping tea from a china cup.
This is what he read:
Your lips, so sweet
Your scent, so intoxicating
My heart beats, skips
Just to hear your voice
It makes me melt
"It's lovely," said Mongo. "The topic is a bit cliched, but I enjoy the spin you put on it."
"Your reading voice is very profound," said LT. "I would like it if you read a bedtime story to me sometime."
"You've got it."
"As you can see, here in the Control Center, this Comey guy really hates us," said Mooney. "Let's move to David Crockett, who's standing by with Barry Horowitz."
"Hey, look at t...oh Jesus, I'm doing it again, aren't I?" said Crockett.
"We need to take a trip to the hardware store, guys. That'll cure me." Barry, I've got an itch. Can you help me?"
"Yeah, let me pat your back for you."
Barry itched David's back. He enjoyed it greatly.
"Ah...I heard you guys were talking about Big Shot. He's a stupid fuck, isn't he? I want to shove my foot so far up his ass he needs to take my shoe off to sneeze."
"I'd like to stick a pole up his ass and use him as a plunger," said LT.
"Is there no end to his stupidity?" said Duggan.
"Let's put it this way, guys," said Zbysko.
"In this game of human chess, he was the first piece taken."
"Hey, yo.", Razor Ramon said upon entering the room. "Did you guys come here to see...Big Shot?"
Everyone booed in unison.
"Or...did you come here to get PISS DRUNK!?", Razor exclaimed, as he produced a bottle of tequila, and everyone popped like mad.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this has been Sean Mooney, and we here at the World Wrestling Federation with you a very HAPPY Easter."
"Um, Angel?" Sarah yelled as she skipped up the hill where Nowell stood.
"Hey, Angel, look, I think you should get inside. Or something like that. I didn't really catch all of the details. But, you know, I think the sun's gonna come out soon."
"Yeah, I know," Nowell said, "I can smell it coming."
"You can? Wow. That's impressive. Why can't I do that?"
"Hey, I really can't, it's just what the script said." Nowell said, holding up a big script that said "AMENDS" on it. He proceeded to toss it over his shoulder and off of the hill.
A few seconds later, the sound of a trash can being toppled over and cat screeching was heard.
Of course, the whole thing was completely ignored by Sarah.
"If you die now, all you ever were was a jobber."
Sarah punched him.
Nowell punched her back.
Without missing a beat, Sarah kept talking. "I love you so much. And I've tried to make you go away.....but every place I go sells Devil Dogs! I wish that I could break your kneecap and make you go away, but I can't!"
"Um. Why not just leave me alone? That'll make me go away! Really!"
Sarah seemed puzzled. "What do you mean?"
"Well, um. You know. If you go away and never come back, I would go away!"
She shook her head. "Nope. Doesn't make any sense."
"Sure it does! Think about it. Oh. Wait. I forgot. I'm talking to Sarah the Sanity Slayer."
"So what, you want me to leave you alone and let you die as a jobber? And now, an EVIL JOBBER of all things? I'm sorry. But you are much better than that Angel. I know you felt something in that dream sequence we taped. Literally. I could feel it."
"Well, now that you mention it, I... HEY! That was TAPED?!"
"My God, do you need some sort of sign from the Heavens to prove to you that you are not a jobber? Not, really, anyway. Because you're a jobber with a puppy. And puppies equal happy and happy equals good."
"I'm not a frigging jobber!"
"Then why do you want to die?!"
"Well, for one thing, Hell's got to be a better place than being in the fWEo."
Sarah thought on this for a second...."You know....Brawlers On a Budget has often been called Hell..." She shrugged and then smiled. "So if you KILL yourself....we could be together...FOREVER!"
"OH DEAR GOD! Okay! Fine! I won't die!"
Nowell suddenly had a very bad feeling. Then Sarah confirmed it. "Oh goodie, it's sunrise!"
Nowell expected to burst into flames, but oddly, didn't.
Instead, a single snowflake fell. Followed by several hundred more. And then several thousand more.
"Well, that's certainly anti-climatic." Nowell noted.
"Eh, no biggie. Wanna stay out here till the storm blows by?"
"Um, no. In fact, I'm going inside before we die from exposure or something."
"Will I ever see you again Angel?"
"I hope to God not." Nowell said, then he ran off back toward the hotel, before Sarah could figure out what he just said.
"He loves me," she said with a happy smile before extending her arms out wide and looking up at the snow as it fell down on her.
On the way back, Nowell chanced a look at a clock, and his eyes widened in absolute shock, "WHAAAAT?! It's only eleven o'clock! I've been had! .......Oh well, maybe there's a party that I'll inevitably find at Siren's apartment."
He went in that direction.
Santa Funpants: Finale
The camerman tugged at Santa Funpants' beard. Funpants held onto it.
"What the hell?"
"Don't swear in front of children," Mr. T reprimanded.
"Listen to me...if you don't stop your goddamn alien langauge, I'm going to beat the fuck out of you!"
Funpants looked at the camerman.
"Goddamn! FUCK! FUCK YOU!" The camerman was enjoying himself a lot. Funpants looked around, and quickly put the kid down.
"If anyone asks, he learned it from Sphere."
"I pooped fuck myself," the camerman said as he was led away.
"Good, we're done. We're definitely done."
"I *said* we're DONE."
The three walked away as Barry Bladerth showed up.
"Awww, I never get to do anything fun."
"That's because you're not funny. Hi, I'm the CEO for Things That Aren't Funny. We..."
Another STUMP Squad Christmas: Finale
"Hehe...which Nitro Girl taught you THIS one? Haha...HORK!"
Siren had jumped up off the couch and lunged for BQ, who turned around and tried to run, but was tackled from behind. Siren was now on his back as he lay on the floor, and had him in a chokehold.
"Hey, there's something on the back of my head! TWO things!"
Siren tightened her grip.
"Why is it that....guhhhhh....the only time chicks are...gah...all over me...is when they want to KILL me?"
Kid and Stump just looked on, with Kid perhaps wishing he was BQ at the moment. As for Stump...he just stared at Siren's ass the whole time.
Meanwhile, Claire had just remembered something as she was walking back and forth behind the couch. "Hey, Sean, remember the time I tried to be nice to you and you kicked me in the nuts? Huh? Yeah! Then, a little while later, I gave you one of my masks and let you see my face! Well, now that I say that, I'm wondering "Hey, what happened to that mask?", and oh boy, then there was the time we got assaulted by parrots in the pet store!"
Kid got off the couch to answer the door, but before he could open it, the door swung open on it's own, sending him across the room.
"See, it's her place! I knew we didn't have to bother knocking", Heftel told Jackhammer as Siren jumped off BQ and ran over to Kid.
"Oh my God, are you okay?"
"What happened? I...I thought my jobbing days were over...", Kid said to Siren. Heftel, who overheard this, walked over to them.
"A-hahahahahahahaha! Sean's your mentor and you think your jobbing days are over? SOMEBODY needs to get in touch with reality! And God dammit, where's my polka-dot, fire-breathing unicorn that I was promised for Christmas?"
Jackhammer walked over to Claire in an attempt to greet her, but was very surprised at her behavior.
"Hey, Kev! Remember the time in high school where I was put up on the flagpole in just my underwear and you had to get me down? "
"Yeah! And then there was the time that other bald wrestler guy poked me in the eyes with his middle fingers, and then you saved the day by smacking him in the knee with a rolled-up newspaper!"
"Are you alright?"
"Of course I am! Just like the time we were running away from the clerk at that 7-11, and you jumped on the back of the car, just like that future robot guy in that future robot movie!"
"Well, yes, I'd say that *was* impressive, since all I needed to do that was two child-sized umbrellas, but...wait, something's wrong here."
"Oh, oh, OH! And then there was the time Chronos was trying to kill me! If it weren't for you, I probably wouldn't be here today! A-ha-ha! A-hoo-hoo! A-hee-hee! Hahahahahahaha!"
Jackhammer grabbed Claire by the shoulders, and then slapped her with his right hand, following it up with a backhand across the face, causing Claire to stop laughing.
"I...I don't know what came over me."
"Don't worry. You just had a little...nervous breakdown, that's all."
"But...I can understand Stump now..."
"Trust me...everything's gonna be...alright."
Claire hugged Jackhammer, who returned the favor, as he mouthed "Dear God" and patted Claire on the back.
"What about them?"
"They're not slowly making their way down to my ass."
"I'm a happily married man."
BQ finally got up off the floor, and looked around the room. Jackhammer and Claire had just let go of each other, and Jackhammer rubbed her head, while Siren helped a clueless Kid to his feet. Heftel was looking up at the ceiling for no reason in particular, and Stump was still sitting on the couch.
"Wait....that's it? This was supposed to be about CHRISTMAS!"
Sphere and the Janitors of Christmas: Finale
Sphere had been left in the middle of nowhere (well, he was still in Beaverton, but you get the picture), and the preliminary wrestlers were roasting marshmallows just a few feet away from him. He wondered if he should go over, beat them all up, and steal their marshmallows, but once he took one step forward...
"HI!" Janitor Eight said, stepping right in front of Sphere.
"Okay, NO ONE knows who YOU are."
"See, that's the good part. I can't be fired by you." Janitor Eight, before he gave Sphere a cheesy wink and a thumbs up.
In response, Sphere gave Eight a cheesy smile and punched him in the face.
"OW! You punched me!" Eight whined, "You punched me right in the face and now blood is gushing out of my nose! I've been busted wide open! Oh my god!"
"HA! And you can't sue me for gross employee mistreatment or whatever they call that crap!"
"Um...do you mean sexual harassment?"
"Huh? With you? Not a chance."
Eight grumbled, "Anyway, I'm the Janitor of Christmas Future, and if you say that Yamaguchi line, I'm going to kick you in the nuts."
"Oh. Alright, alright, I'm sorry about all the trouble I've caused you since you showed up here. How's about a hug?"
"Oh, well, yes, that's very kind of you...", Eight said, before walking toward Sphere to get a hug. However, once he outstretched his arms, Sphere kicked him in the nuts.
"HAHAHA! WHO is going to kick WHO in the nuts? Oh my God, I can't believe you fell for that one!"
"Yes, I...crap, I'm not winning this one.", Eight said, before he snapped his fingers, causing a bag of ice to appear. He holds the bag against his crotch and tries to talk Sphere out of attacking the preliminary wrestlers.
"Okay, I know what you're thinking of doing, but there's something you should know. First off, they can't see or hear us."
"Oh...so that's why they haven't turned around and worshipped me yet. I thought they were just, you know, really stupid."
"Well, perhaps, but...they don't know we're here. Also, let's just say, hypothetically speaking, you do somehow manage to beat them up and steal their stuff...I'm gonna show what things are going to look like just six months from now..."
"Wait, only six months?"
"Yes. Six months IS the future, after all."
"Yeah, but barely. You're a crappy Janitor of Christmas Future, you know that?"
"But if you do this, they shall rise up against you and thrust their pelvises at you."
"But if you do this, they shall rise up against you and thrust their pelvises at you."
"Oh, I am SO scared! Like I haven't had men thrust their pelvises at me in anger before!"
"And then Senor Funpants will hurt you. Again."
"Funpants hits like a girl. I just pretend it hurts to make him feel better about hiimself."
"God dammit, why don't I just SHOW you already?" Eight snaps his fingers...
...and they're standing in front of five graves. Sphere reads each of them aloud, as there's a name on each tombstone, with a single letter below the name.
Eight nudged Sphere. "See, it says "U SU..."
"I KNOW WHAT IT SAYS!"
"Well...now you understand." Eight snaps his fingers, and they're back in the present, watching the preliminary wrestlers roast their marshmallows. "Now that you've seen what'll happen if you were to somehow be able to attack them, which, like I said, is utterly IMPOSSIBLE, what...holy crap, WHY?"
Eight didn't have the chance to finish before Sphere ran up and kicked Bill White in the back of the head. He laughed maniacally as he threw dirt in the faces of Bob Smith and Joe Brown. He picked up a stick and smacked Dan Williams over the head with it numerous times, before running over to Mike Clark and snatching the bag of marshmallows. Eight just shook his head.
Eight snapped his fingers, and Sphere found himself in a dumpster somewhere.
"That moron. I STILL have the marshmallows!"
The Quest for the Gold Christmas Tree: Finale
"Look, I'm not doing the damn recap again!" Evil-Lyn shouted. They were still surrounded by Evil Gnomes, all except for Ken War, who was tied to the Evil Gnome Sacrificial Altar and screaming something about "hardkorr!!11".
"Awh, but Lady Evil-Lyn, is it your destiny to recap our bloody exploits!" Janito protested. Evil-Lyn proceeded to hit him in the face, just because she felt the strong urge to do that.
Hell, if you ran around with these idiots for an entire day, you'd punch them, too.
"You will make a grand sacrifice for our Evil Gnome Corn God!" one of the Evil Gnome Sacrificers said.
"hay, y due u hvae ah cron gad, neway??/" Ken War asked.
The Evil Gnome Sacrificer proceeded to try and stab Ken War in the heart as a response. However, just inches before his big knife that was bigger than the rest of his body could make contact, a surge of light blocked it, then sent the knife flying out of his hand. The knife happened to fall back to the ground and kill the Sacrificer dead. His body slumped down into a conveniently placed button that was marked "Please, For The Love Of GOD, Don't Press This Conveniently Placed Self-Destruct Switch".
Ever heard twenty-nine Evil Gnomes saying "Uh oh" in unison?
Now, you have.
"T-Minus five minutes to self destruction."
"Aww, CRAP!" the Evil Gnome Leader shouted, "We just had this place BUILT!"
The twenty-nine Evil Gnomes began to panic. They ran around in circles, screaming at the top of their Evil Gnome Lungs, and generally wetting their Evil Gnome Pants.
Evil-Lyn and Mega Job shrugged, and while Janito and Oddjob worked to untie Ken War from the altar, Evil-Lyn, Beef, and Steve grabbed the seven foot golden Christmas Tree. They then looked around for some sort of way out of the place.
That's when they saw the mine cart.
"Man," Beef said, "Is it just me, or does every cavern system have a complicated mine tunnel that inevitably leads back to wherever we came from?"
"Shut the bloody hell up and get in, you wanking tosser." Janito said. And so, it came to pass that three men, a midget, a stepladder, a woman, and a golden Christmas tree crowded into a mine cart and set off through a complicated mine tunnel.
Oh, there was a lot in this tunnel.
There were pits of lava that had no Earthly business belonging there, there were slaves, there were great big waterfalls that also had no Earthly business belonging there, there were loops that would never have existed in real mining tunnels, and there were leprechauns.
Then, suddenly, the mining cart hit a 90 degree vertical angle, and for some reason, it kept going. Evil-Lyn noticed this.
"Who the HELL is writing this, anyway?!"
A team of monkeys came out from behind a few rocks to wave their pens and papers around and made "ooo! ooo!" noises.
Before she could respond to it, the mining cart burst through a sewer manhole, conveniently right in front of the apartment building Siren was staying at.
"Oh god, that was just TOO convenient." she commented.
"Hey, we got the tree, didn't we?" Beef said.
"whee rool~!111" Ken War said.
"SIREN." Steve said, pointing at the apartment building. Mega Job went in that direction, while Evil-Lyn shrugged.
"This is the stupidest Christmas I've ever been a part of." she said, before she, too, followed them in.
They, of course, completely ignored the fact that the five minutes the cavern had to remain a cavern ended and the manhole exploded in a geyser of flame.
"Wait....that's it? This was supposed to be about CHRISTMAS!"
"Sean, you already said that.", Jackhammer told BQ.
"Oh. Uh, yeah. I was just, you know, reminding people and stuff."
Heftel started to walk toward the door. "From my position in the room, I heard a clatter. I walked to the door to see what was the matter. I forgot how to open it, and Siren said "turn, then pull", hopefully behind the door is NOT a bull. Those things scare the hell out of me, one time I got a horn up the ass. I guess that's what you get for hopping the railing in Spain and forcing it to eat some grass."
Then Heftel opened the door, revealing Adam Nowell standing outside.
"What in the hell are you talking about?" Nowell asked. He was, for some reason, standing next to Merv from "Welcome, Freshmen".
"Hey, is that Merv from "Welcome, Freshmen"?", Heftel asked Nowell.
"Uh, yeah...it is. I bring you Merv....for some reason."
"Da da da da, da da da da da, da da da da....DA DA DA DAAAAA!"
BQ walked up to the door.
"No. I don't like him. Angel, you can come in, but leave him outside."
"But...but guys! It's cold!", Merv said, pleading with BQ and Heftel, before Siren walked up to the door.
"You're in the hallway.", she told him.
"It's cold!", he said once again.
Siren rolled her eyes and motioned for BQ and Heftel to pull Nowell into the apartment, and she shut the door on Merv.
"Don't worry," Nowell said, "I don't like him, either. I don't even know why he was with me. He just... kind of... appeared. Yeah."
"W/E." Heftel said.
"Excuse me? Did you just say 'W/E' at me?" Nowell asked.
"Nevermind. So...nice place, Siren."
"Thanks. Glad you like it.", Siren said to Nowell as she smiled at him.
"Yeah, so, um... I like what you did with the, uh, curtains." Nowell said, pointing in the direction of the windows.
"I don't have curtains."
"Could've fooled me."
Kid stood across the room looking jealous as this conversation went on, and had no clue how to draw Nowell AWAY from Siren. After all, there was a strong possibility that Siren could be HIS.
Of course, Kid can't understand Stump.
"Um, Kid...", Claire said.
"Stump, uh...says you should kick Angel in the back of the head."
"Hmm...maybe I will. MAYBE I WILL.", Kid said, as he went to stroke his goatee, but then remembered he didn't have one.
"Now THAT is how you recycle old material", Jackhammer pointed out.
Kid snuck up behind Nowell a few seconds after Siren excused herself and went into the bathroom. He got set to hit him with a roundhouse kick to the back of the head, but...
"I'll get it", Nowell said, heading for the door, just as Kid's foot swung by, JUST missing his head.
Of course, Kid ended up kicking a hole in the wall, instead. Kid panicked and fell to the floor, with part of the wall attached to his foot. Jackhammer shrugged before he nonchalantly put a picture (a picture of him winking and giving a "thumbs up") over the part of the wall that had been destroyed.
Nowell, of course, ignored all of this and opened the door. In front of him stood Mr. T, La Parka, and Senor Funpants, who was drunk on Nyquil Egg Nog.
"Hello, sir. I had an epiphany, much like one that a certain George Bailey would have.", Mr. T said to Nowell, as Heftel walked to the door.
"What did he just say?", Nowell asked Heftel.
"You're asking ME?", was Heftel's response.
"I don't care what ANY of you guys says....this guy right here....THIS is the guy....", Funpants shouted out, pointing to La Parka.
"Anyway, kind sirs, we bring you the gift of Funpants.", T told them.
"Huh?", Nowell said, blinking.
"Wait...Frankenpants? Hey, guys, T and Parka have brought us the gift of Frankenpants!", Heftel told the rest of the STUMP Squad, before letting the three new guests into Siren's place. Shortly after Funpants collapsed on Siren's couch, she came out of the bathroom.
"Wait...what is Senor Funpants doing on my couch? And why are Mr. T and La Parka here? And WHY is there a picture of Jackhammer on my wall?"
"I see nothing wrong with that last thing.", Jackhammer told Siren.
Funpants sat up on the couch and pointed towards BQ. "HaaaaaaaaAAy...I remember youuuuuuuoh....
BQ, not sure how to deal with a drunk, decided to insult Funpants. "YOUR MOM!"
"Did youuu hear THAT, T? He said YOUR MOM! Whee!", Funpants said, kicking his feet up into the air and raising his arms.
"Sir, I just had an epiphany, and I find it ok that he made a comical remark about your mother. In fact, I'd like to make one about your aunt."
Funpants turned toward a bottle of Surge that was on the living room table. "So that's the way it's gonna be, eh Bob? You wan step outside?"
"Wait.", Claire said, walking over to Funpants. She looks at him for a little while, and then turns to the bottle of Surge. "This isn't supposed to be HERE.", she says, before she picks it up and tosses it out the window.
Meanwhile, outside the building...
"Hey, you morons.", Sphere says to Mega Job and Evil-Lyn as he hops out of the dumpster, brushing himself off, in what can be considered both an insult AND a greeting. "Whatcha got there?", he asks them.
"We found the legendary and mystical Golden Christmas Tree of Deepwithinthefuckingundergroundah!" Beef said, excitedly.
"Oh. And, where, may I ask, are you taking it?"
"To Siren's delightful little abode." Janito said, pointing upward.
"Siren's abode, ay? That means I am DANGEROUSLY close to her bedroom right now...", Sphere said, most likely to himself, but everyone else heard him anyway. Before he had anytime to think, Beef approached him with a suggestion.
"Say, Sphere, I have come up with an idea for a less painful way to decide all of our contests in the fWEo!" Beef said, excitedly.
"Oh, dear God. You, with an idea? I really AM in Hell."
"See, I figure that all of our fights could be contested via a Pokemon battle! Then, we could, like, not get hurt!" Beef said, holding up his Gameboy and a couple of Pokeballs.
"That's the stupidest idea I've heard since I started the fWEo, and that's saying something."
"Awh." Beef said, before he made a sad face. That's where Sphere made his move, and pointed in a direction.
"Look over there! A superhero midget who's confused about their sexuality, has a wooden leg, and is bound to die very soon!"
Everyone turned to look at Steve, who had also turned around. When he didn't see anything, he turned back toward the rest of the group.
"Suckers!", Sphere shouted, as he grabbed the Golden Christmas Tree and ran into the apartment building. If you're wondering how Sphere can carry it by himself, or how he got into the building without being buzzed in, you're reading the wrong Christmas story.
"What? Awh, man, I thought this was the one with the kid and the BB gun. I want my five bucks back." Beef said.
"hay, were r th lawleepawps??//"
"You bloody TWATS! We have to get the bloody tree back from that sodding toerag who's buggered off with it!" Janito yelled.
"Can't I take a shower, first?" Evil-Lyn asked.
Mega Job and Evil-Lyn headed into the apartment building and chased after Sphere, while the Benny Hill Theme played. After several minutes of running in and out of different rooms, Sphere was cornered...right in front of Siren's place.
"Okay, hand over the Golden Christmas Tree, and nobody... especially not us, will get hurt!", Beef commands Sphere.
"No! *I* will be the one who presents the Golden Christmas Tree to Siren, and *I* will be the one who has her screaming my name in just a short while! Sorry, Evil-Lyn."
Suddenly, Steve ran toward Sphere, screaming.
Mere seconds before Steve could clothesline Sphere in the nuts, La Parka shimmied out into the hallway...
"...I've never seen only half a shimmy until now." Beef commented. Janito and Ken War nodded in agreement.
La Parka continued to half-shimmy as he laid there on the floor, and Steve looked up to see Siren and Mr. T.
"WHAT is going on out here?"
"Tis a shame. All he wanted to do was go out and make a snow angel.", T said as he looked down at his friend.
"I'm sorry, but what in the BLOODY hell did T say?" Janito asked. The unknowing shrugs from everyone else confirmed that they didn't know, either. "Okay, well, anyway, this wankstain over here stole the bloody Christmas tree we were going to give to you, Lady Siren. Thus, we were going to give him a right thrashing and get the bloody tree back."
"NONE of what he said is true!", Sphere yelled, obviously lying. Before anyone could respond, Nowell, Heftel, and Jackhammer walked out into the hallway, Heftel carrying Stump.
"Hey, whoa! A Golden Christmas Tree!", Heftel exclaimed as he put Stump down next to Oddjob. The two inanimate objects "nodded" at each other. "Hey, Kev, help me put Angel up there." Heftel and Jackhammer grabbed Nowell and attempted to put him up on the top of tree.
"Hey! HEY! Put me down! I do not belong on top of trees! Dammit, don't make me get out the stake and stab you people with it!" Nowell said, before his own words registered in his brain, "...oh, dear lord, did I just say that on my own?"
Claire walked out into the hallway and put her hands on her hips. "Put him down, guys."
Heftel and Jackhammer both made "sad" faces and put Nowell down, as Sphere turned toward Siren.
"Wait a minute.....you're having a PARTY, and *I* wasn't invited? Do you know how much that hurts me?"
"Yes.", she answered.
"Next thing you know, Quicksilver'll walk out into the hallway, right? Hahahaha! Oh, I kill me."
"Yelllllllll-o!", BQ said as he walked out into the hallway and did a "magic wand" wave toward Sphere.
"BLAG! Well...hehe...at least the friggin' 1-2-3 Kid ain't there. Whew, would I want to KILL myself if he were!"
"Hey, BQ, I finally got the piece of the wall off my foot! And I did it all by myself!", Kid said, as he ran out into the hallway.
Sphere was at a loss for words. "Um....geez, I hope there's no hot, naked bisexual supermodels in there."
Crickets could be heard chirping in the distance.
And that's quite sad, it being wintertime and all.
Finally, to put an end to all this madness, Heftel stepped forward.
"Guys, let's put an end to all this fighting. I mean, yeah, we have all our little spats every other Saturday, but let's save that kind of stuff for the bingo halls! Gosh darn it, I might not win alot, or, at all, but we can ALL be winners this Christmas season. See, there was an...accident...down at the town square earlier, and they're left without a Christmas tree. Well, we've got a perfectly good tree here, and we can't decide which one of us gets to keep it, so I say we go and put it up in the town square! Cause, you know, when it all comes down to it, isn't that what the Spirit of Christmas is all about?"
Sappy Christmas-movie music plays, and it looks like everyone agrees.
Well, except for Sphere, who just stares at Claire's ass.
Everyone in the hallway picks up the tree and begin their short journey down to the town square, just a few blocks away, and when the hallway is finally cleared, Senor Funpants stumbles out.
"I LOVE THUNDERCATS!"
Down at the town square, everyone has just finished erecting the Golden Christmas Tree.
"This is the best bloody tree ever. Too bad it wasn't worth the bloody effort in getting it!", El Janito said.
"Well, hey, looks like a winner to me, and trust me, I've seen ALOT of winners!", BQ tells him, and Janito just shrugs.
"Those ornaments are swank to the Nth degree!", Heftel exclaims.
"PRETTY.", Steve booms.
"You know, I think being on top of that tree would've been really uncomfortable." Nowell commented.
"...", Stump chimes in with.
Oddjob says the same.
"It looks very festive.", Claire says.
"Looks like a...beautiful woman.", remarks Evil-Lyn.
"Man! That's about as beautiful as the time I captured all of the Pokemon! That was pretty damn sw--" Beef said, before Jackhammer interrupted him.
"Actually, I think it's as beautiful as the time I captured Celebi.", Jackhammer said, causing Beef's jaw to drop to the ground, at a loss for words. Jackhammer just turned to Beef and nodded.
"I think the garland's very pretty", Siren said.
"Well, why don't you wrap yourself up in it and then drop it on your bedroom floor while I examine your sheets with my entire body?", Sphere said to her.
"Oh man, that looks AWESOME! Now when's Santa gonna get here?", Kid asked no one in particular.
"It's as miraculous as the time Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon. It was one step for him, but one giant leap for myself. You know, there are certain things about the first moon-landing that the history books do not inform you of, such as...oh, I see everyone is leaving. I will join them.", Mr. T said, cutting his rant short, as everyone decided it was time to turn in for the night.
Well, everyone except for Ken War, who was still standing there and looking up at the tree.
"tat is 1 hardkorr twee!!11".
Then, suddenly, a gong hit. Twelve times. It was midnight.
Then the tree suddenly, abruptly, toppled forward, on top of Ken War, killing him dead.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night, indeed.
Act I: Renner
Act II: Leary & Renner
Act III: Renner
Act IV: Leary & Renner
Act V: Leary
Finale: Leary & Renner
Another STUMP Squad Christmas
Act I: Bort
Act II: Bort
Act III: Bort
Act IV: Bort
Act I: Comey
Act II: Comey
Act III: Comey
Act IV: Comey
Sphere and the Janitors of Christmas
Act I: Renner
Act II: Bort & Renner
Act III: Bort & Renner
Act IV: Bort & Renner
Finale: Bort & Renner
The Quest for the Gold Christmas Tree
Act I: Renner
Act II: Renner
Act III: Renner
Act IV: Renner
Act V: Renner
Act VI: Renner
Stranded in Beaverton: Renner
Gathering of the Old School: Comey
Epilogue: Bort, Renner, & Comey
© 2002 WR4I/BOB! The most feared collaboration has come to pass. God save us all....