THE BEST OF BILLY POLAR
And we're not talking, he is though
[Pan interior of the West End Parking Complex in beautiful, downtown Pittsburgh....California. It's "Bring Your Own Lawnchair" night in the "arena", but most people are just sitting on their cars. Well, presumably their cars. The pyro guys come out with, uh, nothing. They dig through their pockets, and OH! One of them has a lighter!]
Billy Polar: Good grief. Is that all we have left in the budget? I better do something. Hey, Pedro! Light yourself on fire!
Pedro: Ey? No comprende.
Billy: Dammit, I said light yourself on fire! Do it or YOUR ASS IS FIRED!
[Pedro just shrugs his shoulders, sighs, and then touches the lighter to his pants and starts running around and screaming.]
Billy: The power! The POWER!! HahaHAAAAAA!! Anyway, hello fans! Uhhhh. Fans? Hello?
[The crowd finally pops.]
Billy: Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! Now, I know you all have big plans for tonight. But before you get drunk and decide to tape a Roman candle to your neighbor's dog, why not watch some BOB? Uh, let's see. Anyway, yeah. This is the inaugural HARDXCORE POLARVIZION, so prepare to be POLARIZED!! Hey, where's my announce partner? Huh. Well, I guess we'll find out who they got to do the job tonight. I mean, who wants to call this show with one, I, Billy Polar, the GREATEST white luchador OF ALL TIME. I have no doubt history will vindicate me on that one.
[Suddenly "Come On Ride The Train" blasts from the official BOB Sha-Boombox. Nurse Heidi steps out of her pink VW Bug.]
Billy: Uh oh.
Nurse Heidi: (socking Billy in the shoulder) Come on ride the train? I can't believe you, you jerk! #sigh# Let's just get this night over with....
Billy: What's your hurry? I thought girls didn't like it when we rush these things.
Heidi: Oh please. Don't start. And what was all that crap about my being pregnant?
Billy: Yeah, about that, what are you doing here? Why aren't you home with your kid? What kind of mother ARE you?!
Heidi: I'M NOT PREGNANT, ASSHOLE!!
Billy: Abortion then? The poor kid never had a chance. He could've cured cancer....wait. You're serious? You never were pregnant then, huh? Ooh. I'm sorry. I'm so embarrassed. Well, in my defense, you LOOKED pregnant.
Heidi: That's it! I can't do this! I'm NOT working with this dickhead!!
*Cut to Nurse Heidi sitting in a poorly lit studio. We swear it's for mood, not a lack of money.*
Nurse Heidi: Dickhead. Isn't that rather funny after all that's happened with me and Billy. Hello loyal BOB fans, all 10 of you or so. And everyone who stumbled across this show by some weird Internet Google search like nurse spanking, or free porn, or strapped to a firetruck with no panties on. Well, you won't get any of that tonight. Just a bunch of Billy. R.I.P. My frozen love. Enjoy.
MM: Well, fans. It's time for Billy Polar to interview this week's special guest, and hey, for the first or second time ever, none of us has any idea who it's gonna be....
[Billy Polar is standing in the ring with a mic. His hair is sticking nearly straight up on one side. Apparently, mousse and wrestling just don't mix.]
BP: Well, well, well, and now the moment you've all been waiting for!
BP: What do you mean, "what"? (taps the mic with his finger) Is this thing on?
BP: (looking confused) I think it's on....Testing....Testing....One-Two-Three-
BP: It sounds fine to me. I don't know what the problem is....it seems to be working....
BP: GODDAMMIT, I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!!
BP: Oh, I see what you're doing! Wrong federation, you morons!
BP: STOP IT!! You're gonna get us in trouble!
Herb Romaine: What? How dare you defame sheep in such a way!
BP: Ah, screw it! Come on out, douja.
["How High" hits the airwaves as douja gangsta-limps up the rampway. He's wearing a doo-rag with a picture of a yellow marijuana leaf on it. Oh, and he's also wearing a suit and tie.]
MM: That's just disgusting!
NH: What is? I think he looks pretty spiffy for once.
MM: He's wearing drug paraphernalia to the ring, for crying out loud! There's no reason for that! There's no reason to piss off any concerned, family-oriented parents! We need every fan we can get!
SW: What are you talking about, drug paraphernalia? That|that's a maple leaf. Yeah. douja's Canadian!
MM: No he's not! He's from Compton!
SW: It's called dual citizenship, Monroe! Now shut up, so I can hear them talking. Together they own half of BOB, Mike! Half of BOB! That's 50%!
MM: Oh, is it? Looks like the audience can't hear them, either.
Audience: WHAT! WHAT! WHAT!
douja: shut yo' ass up, you cracka ass crackas! i got's mad stuff to say today.
BP: I can't believe it. They shut up. Now, dou|
douja: billy, please, i got to say dis shit. now, y'all know i retired an' shit! dis fuckin' fed done seen the last of this motha' fucka! that's fo' sho'! but before i walk my fitteen inches o' chocolatey goodness out that do', i gotsta say sumpfin..........it's been a fuckin' trip, yo.
[The crowd, surprisingly, gives him a loud pop. Probably because he's leaving.]
BP: I'll miss you, man! (he gives him a hug and then holds his arm up in victory)
douja: i'll miss you, too, dogg. peace out, motha' fuckas!
BP: You have done everything there is to do in parody e-wrestling!
douja: damn straight!
BP: So douja, now that you're leaving, who're you gonna have take your place? I mean, you are a Not-Quite-Millionaire, after all.....
douja: yo, i don't give a flying fuck who takes my place, 'cause i ain't a not-quite-millionaire no' mo'.
BP: What the hell are you talking about? I thought we "be down" with the noise or "jiggy" with the shits and everything. (Billy then tries to flash some kind of gang sign which consists of bending pinkies and thumbs, among other fingers) You'll always be a Not-Quite-Millionaire. We're a fraternity, for crying out loud!
douja: what can i say, dogg? suckas gotsta do what suckas gotsta do. i solded my shares and now i actually is a millionaire! ain't that da shit!
BP: But.....how can you do this to I, Billy Polar?! We went to graduate school together, you ungrateful so-and-so! I wrote half your post-doctoral thesis for you!
douja: an' i got yo' nerdy ass laid by some very fine bitches, motha' fucka! so our ass is even, billy.
BP: WHAT?! You think two hours with your ugly-ass sisters makes us even?! I hate to break it to you, but they were stank, douja! That was wrong! You know how drunk I was! They were big fat hoes, dammit!
Audience: JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY!
douja: fine den. i'm just a evil fuck. a evil fuck with a shitload of money, foo'! huh huh.
BP: How stupid are you? You're screwing over someone from Harvard, dammit? Wait. By the way, uh, did you happen to mention who you sold your share of BOB to? I don't believe I caught that part.
douja: sorry, dogg. i gotsta go. it's been a slice of fuckin' sunshine.
[Suddenly "No Chance In Hell" blares through the loudspeaker. The crowd goes nuts!]
NH: Ohmigod! Vince McMahon's here? The WWF bought BOB, too?!
SW: I can't believe|-I can't believe it!
[But it is not Vince McMahon who emerges from the curtains, it's a scrawny, Mexican-looking kid. He walks up to Billy and grabs his mic. Billy doesn't seem to notice as he's just standing there with his mouth open.]
Kid: What up, peepz! My name is Rodrigo! And guess what? Vince McMahon's my father! He up and got a restraining order against my momma, so I took one of his child-support payments and bought this fed with it! I will pick up where my sister and brother left off! I WILL destroy Vince McMahon!
BP: Uhhhhh.....yeah, right. How old are you, kid?
BP: Thirteen? What the hell do YOU know about wrestling?
Kid: Well, I know that you guys all suck!
SW: Wow! The kid is good! He's a natural, I tell ya! A regular prodigy!
NH: Wow. You're sucking up already? The rats always seem to know when the ship is sinking, huh, Mike?
MM: (searching through his briefcase for his resume) Yeah, sure thing, Heidi. Now what were you saying again?
BP: Look, you can't just come in here and say that you own BOB. You only bought a quarter of it. That's one out of four parts of it, if you haven't done fractions yet in math class.
Kid: Well, that guy in the black trenchcoat signed over his share and he's getting that bleeding guy on the floor to sign as we speak....
[The camera pans to the back as SMP is crouching over the unconscious Homicidal Hank who his a pen taped to his hand. SMP then proceeds to move Hank's hand to sign a document for him.]
BP: D'oh! You win, kid. Well, then, I guess I'll just sign my share over, too, and then this whole thing is yours. So that's one million smackers, huh? Heh heh.
Kid: Why do I need to give you anything? I already own three quarters of BOB, so I get to make all the decisions!
BP: GOD-dammit! FINE! So what're you gonna do now? Have all us BOB-sters invade the WWF?
Kid: No way, are you crazy?! You guys REALLY suck!
BP: Dammit. He's got us there. Then.....why did you buy this company?
Kid: Because I'm rich. What's it to you? You no longer work here.
BP: WHAT?! You can't fire me! I'm Billy Polar, dammit!
Kid: I don't care if you're my grandma. Security! Get this buttface out of MY ring!
BP: This is all the BigBOSS's fault, I know it! You declared bankruptcy again, didn't you! This is breach of contract! YOU OWE ME MONEY, YOU ASSHOLE! You-OWWWW!
[Two fat guys with billy clubs beat down Billy Polar and drag him behind the curtains.]
NH: Wow! That's good riddance, as far as I'm concerned. I never thought I'd see the day that Billy Polar got his! You're Billy Polar, so what can YOU do, bitch! (she tries to kick him as he's dragged past her)
*Back to the badly lit room. Nurse Heidi is chuckling.*
Heidi: Oh, how sad. *Chuckle*. So many great moments. But now, let's go find some classic Billy. From his early days in BOB, from Monday Morning Mayhem 13. Sound like a plan? Let's hehehe, go see that.
GBH: Duh. And we back. Yur.
MA: This contest is a "Why The Hell Isn't THIS a PPV Match" match. Introducing first... Weighing a mammoth 490 pounds and making his BOB debut... From Charleston, West Virginia... the former STWF Intergalactic Champ... the Big Bo... BOOOOOOHEEEMMMOTHHHHHH!
SW: The Masked Announcer HAS to cut down his caffine intake! Seriously.
(Griegs "The Hall of The Mountain King" (Greig Roling In His Grave Crappy MIDI w/Eddie B. Scratches Mix) plays as Bohemoth stumbles half-blindly to the ring to a roof-shaking pop.)
MA: And his opponent... Weighing considerablty LESS than 490 pounds and accompianed by Li'l Peppy Polar... He went to Harvard, and boy does it show.. . He is WILLIAM "Billy" POOOOOLARRRRRR!!! Esquire.
(Another gargantuan pop drowns out the sounds of ABBA singing "Money, Money, Money". Thank God for small mercies. Billy and Peppy stroll exuding confidence. Bohemoth also appears to be exuding something, but it aint confidence. 'Nuff said.)
MM: Billy rolls into the ring! He draws himself to his full height and stares Bohemoth right in the nipples! This should be a BOB Classic!
SW: Ya think?
GBH: Duh. Ding!
MM: Bohemoth takes that as a bell and clubs Billy to the mat with one redwood-like arm! Stompy stompy stompy!
GBH: Dat my line. Shit.
SW: And that was mine! Bohemoth really putting the boots to BP! Drops a titanic elbow! He's having trouble getting to his feet! Did he put some weight on during his time off?
MM: We'll never know... he busted the offical weigh-in scales when he stood on them, so we have to take his word for it! Billy is up... drop-kicks the prone miner in the face! Billys going ballistic early! NO-HANDS SPRINGBOARD DROP-KICK!
GBH: Duh. He a Lucha-Billy rebel... Hee.
MM: Bohemoth makes it back to a vertical base! Diving South-Of-The-Border headbutt from BP returns him to a horizontal base! Billy's going to the top!
BP: What is up?!
MM: A "What Is Up?" headbutt... that's not going to catch on, methinks. Billy is really giving Bo's testicles a work-out today!
SW: Well, that's something I never thought I'd hear! Billy applies a waist-lock... is he kidding? Bohemoth doesn't HAVE a waist! Bo simply shoves BP back into the corner! 490 pounds of stuff! Billy walks out and does a Flair Flop! Bo's back in charge and living large! Can we get sued for that? Oh, like anyone's watching this anyway!
MM: Yeah? I'll bet you five bucks the WWF has a "Dslyexic Avenger" by 2002! Beautiful sit-out atomic drop by Bohemoth! He's going up! Is it SMASHER time already? TV time restraints strike again!
SW: Run-in Alert! Run-in Alert!! The Pardy Boyz are in tha HOOOUUUWSSSE!
GBH: Duh. Whut?
MM: Wayne and Garth charge the ring... and attack Li'L Peppy? Why? What's going on here!
SW: Hang on... the Pardy Boyz are the Li'lBOSS homies... and the Li'lBOSS has to wrestle Peppy in the Li'l Cage match at Footbrawl! He's using sneaky, underhanded tactics to get an adavtange!
MM: You think?
SW: Hey, it's what I'd do...
MM: Well, yu're the expert! Billy Polar rolls out to defend his Li'l friend! Garth cheapshots him with an un-plugged electric guitar! Bohemoth stays in the ring, laughing at the sight of Peppy and Billy getting punked! Both the Pardy Boyz putting the boots to Billy andpeppy.. and here comes Too Lame! The BigBOSS'es Personal Lackey tag team are coming to the aid of Billy Polar! Oh, no, my mistake, they're coming to make it a 4-on-2...
SW: Bo's loving this...
MA: Here is your winner.. as the result of a count-out, so neither man has to do a humiliating job for the other... BOHEMOTH!
GBH: Ding! Hee.
MM: The assault continues on the Polars! This is brutal! "Too Fat" Matt has a chair... Pardy Boy Wayne is holding Billy wide open...
For those of you who can't guess what's going to happen here, either watch more wrestling, or quit taking up space!
Billy DUCKED! Matt lays out Wayne! Garth is outraged!
Garth: Dude, that was like, not cool! Are you okay, Wayne?
Wayne: Yeah, groovy baby! It's my happening and I'm FREAKING OUT! (He falls over heavily)
Matt: (Manaical laughter)
MM: Garth attacks Matt! Ray attacks Garth! Wayne lies on the floor twitching! Billy and Peppy make good their escape as Too Lame and The Pardy Boyz renew their rivalry! And something tells me Billy and Bohemoth will meet again, at a later date... in the future.. or something.
*Back, to the studio, Heidi is bent over in laughter. Why? I don't know. She looks up when somebody off-screen who sounds like Dennis tells her the bloody light is on.*
Heidi: Whoops. That was so more classic Billy. Let's take a look at the only record Billy Polar holds. From Monday Morning Mayhem 14. I think.
(Suddenly, "Whoomp! There It Is" by Tag Team with the "whoomps" replaced by the ka-ching of a cash register. Billy is standing on the entrance ramp and his mouth is moving a hundred miles a minute. Unfortunately, he doesn't have a microphone, as this is BOB. The only thing the crowd can make out is a belabored "I WENT TO HARVARD, DAMMIT!" which was surprisingly audible over all the boos. Suddenly a poor college temp runs up to Billy and hands him a rolled up newspaper. Billy swats him with it as he leaves.)
BP: Okay, BigBOSS, now this is just insane. You can afford the New York Times, but you can't afford a microphone? Yes, it is indeed one, I, Billy Polar, and it is time for my interview. Someone come out here and interview me! INTERVIEW ME, DAMMIT! Love ME! Interview ME! And bring me some of those grapes from catering. Those are good.
(The crowd is booing severely, but the Dyslexic Avenger can be seen in the audience with a "PORAL IS DOG" sign. It's sad how much sucking up some wrestlers have to do to get some air-time. Suddenly, Dennis is roughly pushed out from behind the curtains. He straightens his suit with a confused look on his face. He is holding a pink, toy microphone and he slowly ambles toward Billy with his head hung low.)
BP: You know, you don't have a very upbeat personality for a public persona.
D: Oh, bugger off.
BP: So, where are my grapes? Feed them to me!
(Dennis pulls a bunch of grapes out of his pocket, pulls one off, and plops it into Billy's mouth.)
MM: This is just disgusting!
SW: Well, Nurse Heidi isn't here. They had to improvise.
BP: So, Coma, my friend. Ahh, how they all follow I, Billy Polar, the Sensei of Success! Yes, it is great to have you here in BOB! Your journalistic stylings will be much appreciated by our tired and mentally stifled commentating staff. Good luck, my friend.
BP: What! I am not mentally---uh, stifled!
SW: Yeah, um. Uh. Your momma?
C: Wyatt, get your tongue out of my watermelon!
D: Can we talk about the card now, you bloody wanker, I mean, uh, commissioner? The fans appear to be walking to the lobby. And NOT to buy popcorn, I'm afraid.
BP: So, they're actually buying our merchandise now?
(Suddenly, he points to his "I'm With Stupid" t-shirt with the arrows pointing out in all directions. The camera focuses in on it as "Only $19.95" flashes on the screen.)
BP: Ladies and gentlemen and wrestling fans, to-NIGHT will be an historic night! It will be the GREATEST--uh--day of the week IN THE HISTORY OF THIS GREAT SPORT! And WHY? Because I'M BILLY POLAR, DAMMIT!
(Everyone in attendance yells "DAMMIT" right after Billy does which makes him jump in surprise.)
MM: Tonight? What the heck is he talking about, Scotty? It's six a.m.!
SW: Well, I guess it'll probably be tonight when HE finishes talking .
MM: Let's just hope you're wrong.
BP: HEY! Hey, guys! Do you mind? I'm trying to talk here. Now, shut up, 'cause you're pissing the fans off!
MM: Well, it looks like somebody's head is getting a little too big for his... for his...
MM: Uh...yeah. Yeah.
BP: (sounding like the Twilight Zone guy) Yes, imagine if you will, two four-hundred pounders facing off IN A SCAFFOLD MATCH! Also, a Herb Romaine match. Yes, yes. I'm sorry about that one. But hey, if Herb LOSES, then his pet sheep will have to be shaved NAKED! That's right, I said NUDITY !
(The crowd pops big-time.)
SW: WHOOOOOOOOOOO!!! You da man, Polar! NUDITY!!! WHOOOOOOO!!!
MM: Uh, Scotty?
C: It really is what my grandma says. He should know. We can dance if we want to. Well now, hello kitty.
BP: That's right, that's right. I know what you West Virginians want! And, since this is West Virginia, and they're making me say it, uh, okay... bohemoth.
(The crowd is screaming louder than any in BOB history. Billy starts jumping up and down in an angered tantrum. Think Shawn Micheals in contract negotiations...)
BP: (fuming) SHUT UP! I AM TALKING! I AM! I AM! SHUT UP! I'M BILLY POLAR! DAMMIT, I'M BILLY POLAR!!!
D: Billy, Billy, Billy. You know, old chap, telling them to be quiet only encourages them.
BP: I was talking to you! In fact, you know what? I' m the commissioner, dammit, and YOUR ASS IS FIRED!
MM: WHOA!! He can' t do that!
SW: WHOOOOOOOOOOO!!! You da man, Polar! NUDITY!!! WHOOOOOOO!!!
C: Poink! Superwackyfunland: You' re not getting any lines here, folks. Your boat is the real deal, but the Japanese make them better, Heidi.
MM: Dang it. You know, is this gonna go on all day?
SW: Well, what, are you talkin' Coma or--
BP: Now, may I introduce you to the man of the hour, and NEW BOB Only-Interviewer-That-Matters Interviewer, Li' l Peppy!!
(The crowd goes nuts for the li' l legend as he comes down the aisle to "Macarena" by Los Lobos, and is sitting on a throne carried by six Toledo Mudhen cheerleaders.)
BP: Now, you fans might not know this, but Peppy has a legitimate second job as mascot of the Toledo Mudhens.
SW: That' s who took my job?! That son of a--
D: What the bloody hell is this!? You can' t do this to me! I have a contract, you know!
BP: Well, you' re just gonna have to take that up with Peppy now, because I certainly don' t care.
MM: And judging by the fans' reaction, they don' t care either! Come on, Billy! Let' s get to the matches already! (trying to get a chant going) WE WANT MATCHES! WE WANT MATCHES!
(Unfortunately, the fans don' t hear Mike clearly as a wave of confused faces courses through the audience, since a widespread chant of "WE PAY TAXES!" breaks out. This is probably caused by the unfortunate acoustics of the John Denver Memorial Auditorium.)
D: (ignoring the audience) With pleasure. I will kick his scrawny little bum, or more appropriately, STOMP it!
BP: Whoa-ho-ho! Are you gonna take that, Peppy? Make fun of his teeth! Make fun of his teeth!
LP: I yam de kraysee loco, esSAY! I know judone juan mess vwit me, horto! Eh-HEEHEEHEE!
BP: Whoa, guys! Not here! Not here! Save it for the ring! You'll get your shot at NAGAM!
(Billy has to physically restrain the both of them. Dennis with his arms, and Peppy with one foot. Security comes out and escorts them both to the back, leaving Billy alone in the aisle.)
MM: Well, ladies and gentlemen, I sure don't know what to make of all that. Quite frankly, I apologize, and on behalf of--
BP: Wow. (looking at his watch) Ladies and gentlemen and fans in attendance, I have just broken Vince McMahon's record of twenty minutes of pointless stalling before a match!
(the crowd cheers)
BP: And I'm not even done yet!
(The crowd boos)
MM: What a primadonna! This is just sickening, Scotty. If he's going to be doing all the talking today, then I might as well go home and get some shut-eye.
SW: Oh, come on, Mike! Admit it!
MM: Admit what? That I like Billy Polar as our commissioner? Well, I don' t! I hate the guy. Sure, he' s a talented individual, but--
SW: No, no! Admit that you don' t own your house. You rent, don' t you!
BP: Hey, I promised you you'd be a part of history. Let the buyer beware. Sheesh. Now, on to the other matches. Ahh, tonight's main event will be Da Sassy Bitch facing off against up-and-comer J.C. Long in a "Winner-Is-Nurse-Heidi's-Lamaze Partner" Match. That should be interesting, huh, huh?
(The crowd is still booing)
BP: Okay, okay, on to our first match. I'LL do the introductions! The winner of this match, along with a partner of his or her choice, are the Yugohaf tag team champions. Now, introducing first, the hottest young stars in wrestling today--oh, and congrats to them on starting a new boy band. Ladies and whoever, may I proudly present, the KKK!!!
("Hit Me Baby One More Time" by Britney Spears blares through the loudspeakers. The Krew comes out looking annoyed, as usual. Also, Jim and Brandon are carrying somebody in a full-body cast. We can only assume it' s Josh.)
Jim: Uh, listen, Billy, that's the "K-S-K" . The Kent STATE Krew.
BP: Yeah, sure, whatever. Tonight's the night to show me what you got. If you win, we' ll talk.
MM: What the hell? Josh hasn' t been cleared to wrestle tonight! He was injured in that Inferno match at NAGAM! What' s Polar thinking? Josh could get killed out there!
SW: Hey, this is BOB, Mike! We ain' t no overpaid, sissy boys. We wrestle for the love of the sports entertainment! And Josh' ll be damned if he' ll let a little flesh wound over 80% of his body keep him from winning the tag team titles!
(For some reason, Billy stands silently with his eyes closed and his left fist raised in the air as Zilla mugs to the fans on his way to the ring.)
BP: Snooty booty, my friend. That's the best kind. I hear you. I hear you. Now introducing, uh, some moron who looks remarkably like the Goon.
(Jean Bannister waddles out to "Amazing Grace". He shakes his hockey stick at Billy in anger)
BP: And of course, his butty --heh heh. See what I did there? B-u-T-T-y. Heh. Anyway, it's "Sexual Thunder" Sir Hungalot, and his sister, Candy-For-Brains!
("I Need A Dirty Woman" plays as Sir Hungalot and Candy walk to the ring looking annoyed and upset by the three women dancing down to ringside behind them. They can only be described as "women of the street". Make that "homeless women of the street".)
BP: Followed by his STDs! The Sexual Thunder Dancers! And I think that' s it. I' m Billy Polar and you' re not. Back to you, Coma!
C: Poink? Wurfle. My mommy got her new hair from that doggy in the window yesterday.
NH: Let's go back to a simpler time. When it was just the Not Quit Millionares vs. Face Inc. Ah gang wars. And let's get to see Billy face off against Violent Pacifist in a failed attempt at the Swiss Army Title. Enjoy. If anyone is still watching.
MM: And we're back!
MA: This match is for the Swiss Army Title and is scheduled for the best of nine falls! PYSCH! It's one fall as always... introducing first, the challenger... representing the Not-Quite Millionares Club... "Good Old B.R"... BILLLLY POLLLLLARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR....R!
("Money (That's what I want)" plays as Billy Polar runs out to a hearty round of boos and a light shower of wadded-up paper cups.)
MA: And his opponent.. and champion... from Seattle, Washington... the current "Swiss Army" Champion... but you already knew that because I called him the champion... anyway... your champion... THE VIOLENT PACIFIST!
("Closer" (Naughty Words Bleeped Out Family-Friendly Mix) plays as the commisioner strides confidently down to ringside.)
MM: This is going to be fantastic! BP vs VP in a rematch from "Pay-Per-View" all those months agao!
SW: Months ago? It was our second-to-last card!
C: Neep. Bob's time... hee hee hee...
MM: Help Coma back into his seat, Scotty... The bell rings and we're off and stalling!! They're getting in each others faces, Billy talking smack at an incredible pace! VP is coming back with some nonsensical replies! Billy's poking him in the chest now! VP pokes his tongue out! What intensity! Billy called VP a "poopy head"! VP has had enough... NIPPLE CRIPPLE! He's tweaking Billys nipple like crazy! Billy stomps on VP's toe... INDIAN BURN!! NOOGIE! VP's writhing in pain... he strikes...
BP: (High-pitched) Eeeeeeek!
MM: SUB-ATOMIC WEDGIE! This is some of the most brutal action I've seen since I left elementary school!
C: Watch me jump the orang-utan, mummy! I have THREE budgies now! Springform bakeware!
MM: Billy with a non-luchador-like headbutt! Here we go for REAL! Big forearm! Backs VP up and slingshots him to the ropes... beautiful deep armdrag! Billys showboating like he just won the title right there!
SW: VP's up... he hits a rolling German!
German: Ow! Vhat vas dat for? I vas only rolling!
MM: Or with that accent, possibly Swedish. Billy turns around... VP's got him... relase overhead suplex! Billy bounces out of the ring! VP follows him out!
SW: Brawl-for-all! VP's beating BP with the Masked Announcers clipboard! Disqualify him, ref!
MM: Billy won't get the title that way, Scotty...
SW: Good point... excuse me...
MM: Good LORD! Scotty just wiped out the ref with a steel chair! Scotty, are you nuts?!
SW: Nope... (peels off his sweater to reveal a "Not Quite A Millionare: Show Me The IOU!" T-shirt)
MM: Oh, typical! Scotty joins BP in a senseless and violent beatdown of the Swiss Army Champ! The Generic Ref is down, but not out... and he's calling for the bell! Has he DQ-ed Billy Polar? I think he has!
C: Squirtle! This is a job for SUPERWACKYFUNMAN! Roger, wilco, over and out!
(Coma takes off the Hefty Bag he's been wearing to reveal a "Faces Inc: Nice Guys Finish Last (But Get The Chicks)" T-shirt
NH: And I bet you must be wondering how Billy Polar won the spot of Commisioner. So are we to this day. Well, due to this being a PPV, even if it's two years old, we can only show the following from Footbrawl.
SW: Cue the run-in! Billy Polars on his way the ring! Garth quickly moves to lock the cage! Smart move for a change!
MM: Billy charges Wayne... Rolling thunder clothesline! Garth goes after Polar... gets a spear for his trouble! Billy makes it to the cage but he can't get it to help! Wait, what the heck has he brought with him?
SW: A tranquiliser gun! And he scores a direct hit on the Li'lBOSS'es Li'lPosterior! Peppy slaps on a sleeper at the same time to fool the referee...
NH: Like that's hard... Melvins knees are quickly starting to buckle... Generic Ref checks the arm.. it drops once.. twice... three times!
SW: Nighty-night, Li'lBoss... enjoy your nap!
MA: Here is your winner... LI'L PEPPY POLARRRRRRRR! And as a result of this match... your new Commisioner of the Brawlers On a Budget... BILLY POLAR!!
MM: We have a new Commish! What ramifications will this have for BOB?
NH: Beats the hell out of me! Guess you'd better tune in to Mayhem to find out!
NH: Well, we're running out of time, but there are two more parts from Billy's BOB career that must be shown here. So let's go back to last year for Billy's title defense against Sarah "The Jobber Slayer."
MA: THIS IS YOUR MAIN EVENT OF THE DAY! Title vs. Title, Champion vs. Champion! Introducing first, currently in control of this match, beating the hell out of Billy Polar…the Swiss Army Champion….. SARAH THE JOBBER SLAYER!
[Crowd reacts with a loud cheer]
MA: And her opponent, the Billy Polar I spoke of earlier getting the hell beat out of him… THE ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS……BILLY POLAR!
[Crowd boos, but instantly reverts back to cheers as Sarah throws Billy out of the corner and heads to the outside of the ring]
MM: Sarah is going up top!
SW: I'd like to go up on her top! To HELL with Lex Luger, I want to get hoisted up in THAT RACK, BABY!
Styles: OH MY GOD!
MS: Yeah, Scotty has no right to tell me to calm down, what he said was a bit out of line.
Styles: No, I meant OH MY GOD as in… OH MY GOD!
MM: Hey! Nurse Heidi is on the apron as Sarah gets ready to finish Billy off….HEY! She just pushed Sarah off the top and sent her crashing hard to the canvas!
SW: Well, she's gotta protect her man, Mike.
[Crowd erupts in cheers again]
MM: IT'S KAY FABE! KAY FABE IS COMING DOWN HERE!
Styles: OH MY GOD!
MS: Yeah, that didn't take long! Here comes Kay to protect her ma….ummm, woman. And she's goes right after Heidi!
SW: WHOO HOO! You have to love Kay's wiccan get-up, and those boots! Yummy! And there's Heidi with those go-go boots of hers….YEAH, BABY! CATFIGHT IN HIGH HEEL BOOTS! WHOOOOOO HOO!
MM: SO! That was you, Scotty!
MM: You know what… making those perverted web searches.
MM: YES, YOU! You know what I'm talking about…
SW: Haven't a clue.
GBH: Duh. Told you Scotty smart, him plead fifth.
SW: Was that GBH or The Fire Chief? Little help here?
MS: Gentlemen, please! We have a match to call! Heidi and Kay are hair pulling each other outside the ring…INSIDE, Billy has survived Sarah's brutal match starting onslaught and now has Sarah up….what's he going for….A TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER!
MM: Sarah will never get up from that!
Styles: Yes she will! SARAH IS EXTREME!
SW: And for our loyal fans watching live at the Home For Wayward One Armed Blind Midgets…Billy Polar now has Sarah set up for a finisher that in this stage… resembles a vertical sixty-nine.
MM: Oh, THAT'S real nice, Scotty.
SW: Hey, they are BLIND after all, think before you speak, Monroe. I'm providing a service for those poor, one arm having, sightless little dwarves that tune in each and every week.
MM: And you paint such a vivid picture…
MS: But would a one armed blind midget even know what a sixty-nine is? I mean, I don't want to sound like I'm picking on them or anything, but I'm not too sure they've had a lot of experience in that field.
SW: So, just what ARE you saying, Shill? A blind midget that only has one arm could never have been kinky during sex? Huh? HUH? Is that what you're saying?
MM: Ummm, Billy is still holding Sarah in that * ahem * vertical sixty-nine position just before dropping that Tombstone!
SW: And look! She's loving it, too! Look at her legs wiggling, oh, Heidi is gonna be SO jealous!
MS: She's not wiggling! SHE'S REVERSING IT!
Styles: OH MY GOD!
MM: Sarah's legs have now caused a shift, Billy's bridging backwards….Sarah on her feet, still holding on! Has Billy up in Tombstone position! AND….
MM:…. SHE HIT IT SOLID! THE COVER!
[Crowd counts along in that deliberate, "it's gotta be over" count we've all come to know and love.]
Crowd: ONE! TWO! THREE! [explosive cheers]
MM: SHE DID IT!
Styles: SEE! I TOLD YOU SO! Sarah has made history, now TWICE in this dump! She's the first ever woman to hold a title here when she became the first ever woman Swiss Army Champion… and now, the first ever woman ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS! OH……MY…….GEEEEE-OD!
NH: And before we go, let's take a look at the greatest moment in Billy Polar's history in BOB. For everyone in BOB, I'm Nurse Heidi, saying, this show is over, damnit!
Josh: It doesn't matter if we have the tape or not. We have his signature. Giving us booking control and also telling us that if he becomes a zombie, we will cryogenically freeze him until a cure is found.
NH: Oh no! He said he wants to be cremated! Damn it!
Josh: Heidi, I'm sorry. We're not gonna burn him. He wants to be frozen until they find a cure for zombiefication.
NH: Well, fine. I guess.
[Billy tries to bite Sir Hungalot's leg. The Big Sir kicks him away.]
Jim: So, what this contract means, is that Totally Face has Billy's old 33 1/3 booking power.
SW: That's like, 5.5 percent booking power per guy!
NH: I'm sorry Scotty. I have to go say goodbye to Billy.
SW: Well, Heidi's pulling Billy away out of the ring. And
Voiceover: Jimmy, I want a cookie…
[Sounds of cookie jars breaking fills the arena and a huge crowd pop accompanies Hardcore JJ as he enters, and he's got wheels! This time, he's driving a tiny little black Hardcore JJ pick-up truck. "Back In Black" is blaring from inside.]
SW: Wow, that toy car has a CD player? Oh no! He rams the stand. And it falls off the stage again! Oh, this time two wheels have broken! Oh the humanity. Well, the crowd is absolutely on fire as JJ gets on the bed of his truck and salutes them with Pepsi's. The choice of a new generation! Come sponsor us! We're giving you free publicity! Or else we'll start calling them JJsi's!
[Meanwhile, Billy is at the entryway. He turns around and Heidi lifts up one of his arms and waves it the crowd. It would've been a touching moment, if anybody cared. But sadly, he was a heel, and he was from Harvard, damn it.]
SW: Oh wait! All might not be lost! JJ's saluting Billy! Maybe, some day soon, they'll find a cure for your condition and you can come back to BOB! Whether you liked him or you hated him, that man gave you, something, every time he wrestled or talked. He was one of the least respected men in this business. There are a lotta jerks, a lotta asses in the business. And he was one of them. And that's why I loved him. He has seen his last match. He's gonna leave here like the zombie he is. Billy Polar's career is over. As the fans say their final farewells, they're giving him, or JJ, a standing ovation. Whose to say. Goodbye my friend. Thanks for the great memories. You're gonna be missed by me. God speed, Billy. Go get your head frozen!
©2003 BOB: This was made to fill your dull worlds. And reduce our budget.