More Painful Than A Razorblade In Your Apple!
[We pan the interior of the YMCA Gym in Havoc, West Virginia. The place, oddly, looks like it's breaking some fire codes. The place looks packed. WTF? There are people with signs. They're cheering? Am I in Bizarro World? The fuck? We cut to ringside, where we join Styles, Scotty Whatbody and the always busty Nurse Heidi.]
Styles: Hello everyone and welcome LIVE to Boo! Monday, LIVE on BOB-On-Demand!
SW: Why do you keep saying live? I highly doubt this card will be posted to be even remotely considered live.
NH: I'm just impressed we have a sold out crowd. BigBOSS told us it's a standing room only crowd. And they're packed to the rafters like chicken in those horrible trucks.
Styles: Well, as long as nobody tips off the fire department about all the codes we're violating, we should be fine. And tonight's card has truly been booked by the fans.
SW: Aside from the main event.
Styles: So let's get right to the action.
["Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck" by Prong plays.]
Michelle Vincent: Ladies and gentlemen, this is our opening contest. Introducing first, from Snap Finger, Georgia, this is the Snap Mare Kid!
NH: Alright. I wonder who the fans voted in on this one. Let me load up the BOB Web site and see...
SW: Good luck. We've only got dial-up here. And by the way, I highly doubt we'll see Footbrawl, if history holds true to form.
NH: Probably why we didn't call the event Footbrawl this time around.
Styles: Well, if you notice, we do have the triple cage here tonight.
SW: How could we NOT notice? The thing is already around the ring. I thought that was for the main event?
Styles: I guess the ceiling was a bit lower than BigBOSS planned on. So, as a bonus, EVERY match will be a TRIPLE CAGE match! Oh my GOD!
[Cut to LilBOSS, who is doing a "happy" dance I won't even dare to try and describe. Back to ringside.]
NH: For the Curtain Jerker match, fans had the choice of seeing SMK face either XXXtreme Machine, Pete "X-Factor" Trable, Super Gluey, Luke Warm or Nic Flare. And let's see those results!
1. Curtain Jerker Match: SMK vs. ???
A. XXXtreme Machine (66.6%)
B. Pete "X-Factor" Trable (16.6%)
C. Super Gluey (16.6%)
D. Luke Warm (0%)
E. Nic Flare (0%)
NH: Wow, XXXtreme Machine with the easy victory here.
SW: That's a rarity for him. But it begs the bigger question. What is wrong with our fans?
NH: Also doesn't bode well for Luke Warm. For a guy who is expected to draw a huge buyrate at Grudge Match A-Go-Go, he doesn't even register one single vote.
SW: Great booking, Trey. I told you only YOU would care about that Warm/Domino match. Ah well. I'm sure Luke Warm will go home to Bumbeldink after that match and never be heard from again.
MV: And his opponent...from Fresno—
["This Is XXXtreme" by Harry Dick & The No-Tones plays.]
MV: Trable didn't win? Argh! From Who Gives A Fuck, North Dakota. The Machine, Triple X Treem!
[Triple X walks out from the back and pours a bottle of water over himself. He's also carrying a pry bar with him tonight.]
SW: Maybe the fans voted him in as a sick joke on all the people who actually bought this?
NH: Could be.
Styles: Our fans aren't THAT twisted, are they?
[Cut to the announcers, who all squint suspciously at the camera. Then back to Triple X, who is STILL walking down the aisle, trying to look all intense, but ending up looking his usual retarded way.]
SW: Ugh. This guy's entrance is getting longer and longer. Count him out already!
Styles: It looks like SMK got impatient as well, because there he goes. Triple X sees him and throws the bottle of water at SMK. And now SMK is chasing Triple X around the cage. This is embarrassing. For both guys. Mainly because SMK is already winded and they're only three-fourths of the way around the ring.
NH: Well his stock just dropped in my eyes.
SW: He won't be getting a ride of the USS Heidi, huh?
NH: No way. If he's spent that quick? Please.
Styles: Triple X is in the cage. And SMK crawls in, gasping for breath. And I think we're finally about to start this one. Oh NO! Triple X has the microphone!
XXX: ppl tgat downlode moves ilegly shod b givn teh deth penultee! Espshly teg jobles pieses ov jobles siht rite hear n havok soth vagina!
SW: That was the most bizarre cheap heat tactic I've heard in a LONG time. Downloading movies illegally? Since when is that a crime?
NH: What part of downloading movies illegally don't you get?
SW: I don't follow you.
NH: Never mind.
Styles: And here comes SMK into the ring, well, onto the apron anyway. Triple X lands some hard punches to SMK's skull. But SMK with a springboard....SNAPMARE? Oh my GOD I've never seen THAT before!
NH: And the crowd is loving it.
Styles: One! Two! No.
SW: What a weird audience we have here tonight. They're reacting like total marks. What happened to our smarky fans?
Styles: Another snapmare by SMK. And there's another. He tries for the triad, but no! Triple X with a thumb to the eye. Triple X grabs SMK and tosses him like a lawn dart over the ropes into the cage! And SMK seems to be favoring the arm that he just fell on.
NH: Oh no! That's his snapmaring arm!
Styles: Triple X follows him out to the floor. And he tosses SMK into the cage again! Triple X now just pummeling SMK on the floor with punches. And now here come the sports entertainment stomps. And he's concentrating those stomps on SMK's injured arm.
SW: Did somebody give XXXtreme Machine a brain for his birthday or something?
NH: It seems like it. This must be Bizarro World.
[That's what I said at the start? Doesn't anybody pay attention to me anymore? *Sigh*]
Styles: And they head back in the ring. Triple X locks in the, uh...
SW: Rings Of Uranus?
NH: Can always count on you for anal jokes, can't we?
SW: Hehehehe. You said anal!
Styles: Will SMK give up?
SW: I doubt it. Generic Ref isn't even asking him. Way to sell it, Generic Ref.
GR: Bite me, Scotty. I had to miss out on the one night of the year when I can go around and ask for food and actually get it instead of being ignored like a jobless piece of jobless sh—
XM: sut up u fukker!!! ur killin my heet!!
SW: Oh yeah, it's Halloween, isn't it. Hey Heidi, wanna see my Halloweenie?
NH: Sure. Let me find my magnifying glass first.
GR: You want a piece of me?
XM: no i ain a fukkin faget bthc!!
GR: I didn't mean in the homosexual sense. I meant in the fighting sense.
XM: o. ill kik ur @ss!!!
Styles: What the hell? Triple X just dropped his move and now grabs his pry bar. Oh boy. What is Generic Ref thinking?
NH: Probably that this will be the easiest fight he's ever been in.
Styles: Triple X swings! Generic Ref avoids!
SW: Oh brother! Not the old hit the ring rope with the weapon and smash it weakly into your own face routine! *Groan*
Styles: SMK crawls over!
NH: Oh no. This one's gonna be even WORSE!
Styles: SMK just pulled Triple X on top of himself? One! Two! Three?
["This Is XXXtreme" hits again.]
MV: The winner of the match, Triple X!
NH: I guess SMK is truly trying to prove he is the biggest jobber ever. He's got a big loss here tonight and builds up some big momentum for the jobber showdown with Urine at Grudge Match A-Go-Go.
SW: All I know is that match was neither a trick nor a treat. I guess this is why they called it Boo! Monday. BOOOOOOOOOOO!
NH: Well, up next, we're gonna get hardcore!
SW: I vote for anal! Woohoo!
NH: Will you stop that? Sheesh.
SW: What? That wasn't clever?
NH: Not in the least. Who will the You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Title Belt face tonight?
Styles: And since it is Monday, the belt WILL be on the line.
NH: Fans had the choice of picking either Pigeon, Mr. Paradox, Pete Trable, Wig Show of Super Gluey. And let's see those results!
2. Hardcore Match: YGBKIADTAYOOYFM Title Belt vs. ???
A. Pigeon 16.6%
B. Mr. Paradox 16.6%
C. Pete Trable 16.6%
D. Wig Show 33.3%
E. Super Gluey 16.6%
NH: Wow, what a close race. But Wig Show squeaks it out.
SW: And speaking of squeaking, I just squeaked out a one-cheek sneak!
Styles: Oh my GOD!
NH: You really save your worst smells for BOB-On-Demand, don't you?
SW: The fans demand it! They always tell me, Scotty, you should fart more! Because farts are funny!
["Hear Nothing, See Nothing, Say Nothing" by Discharge plays.]
MV: The following contest is for the You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Title! Introducing first, being accompanied to the ring by Wig Show, the You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Title Belt. And his opponent, being accompanied by the You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Title Belt, Wig Show!
[Michelle collapses from exhaustion.]
SW: Oh no! I better give her some mouth to mouth!
Styles: It looks like Wig Show's gonna beat you to it.
SW: Rip her bra off! It's constricting her air way!
WS: What do you mean don't help her?
WS: I know we're supposed to be heels, but she could die!
WS: How can you laugh at the thought of somebody dying? You're heartless!
WS: Don't take that tone with me! Besides, she's a heel too! And she's married to the Vice President!
WS: I will NOT let this bitch die!
WS: You're EVIL!
WS: Fine. You're more EVIL than EVIL. Whatever. I'm gonna help her!
WS: What did you just say?
WS: You did NOT just say that to me! AAAAAAARGH!
WS: You expect me to lay down for you after what you just said to me? You know what. We're through!
[Michelle sits up, ala the Undietaker.]
MV: Whoa. Headrush. Hey. What happened?
WS: You passed out. Are you OK?
[Michelle quickly crawls over and grabs the title belt. She stands up quickly, spins around and smashes it into Wig Show's face! Wig Show falls to the mat.]
Styles: Oh my GOD!
NH: I didn't see THAT coming.
Styles: Michelle throws the belt on top of Wig Show. One! Two! Three! ITGOHIM!
["Hear Nothing, See Nothing, Say Nothing" plays again.]
MV: The winner of the match...the title belt!
NH: Is this the end of Wig Show and the hardcore belt?
SW: I highly doubt it. These guys fight, but it's not like either one of them is a chick
Technical Difficulties...please stand by....