Not As Live From Havoc, West Virginia
[We're back at the YMCA Gym in Havoc, West Virginia...one day later. It's Boo! Monday...take two. The gym is not quite as full as it was the other day, but I guess that's to be expected on a makeup show. Especially with what they saw in the first part. No worries. There are no refunds, sayeth the BigBOSS!]
Styles: Hello everyone. The power has been restored and hopefully we'll get through the rest of the card tonight.
Nurse Heidi: We apologize for the inconvenience. But we're gonna give you a great show tonight to make up for it.
Scotty Whatbody: Oh, don't lie, Heidi. It's gonna be more of the same crap as last show.
Styles: Let's get right to the action!
Michelle Vincent: The following contest is a flaming cheese grater triple cage match!
Styles: Oh… my… GOD!
NH: I have feeling you’ll be saying that a lot during this.
Styles: The ring is surrounded by those cheese graters, and there is fuel ready to be used. One can only speculate on the sheer carnage these stipulations will produce.
SW: They’d better produce plenty.
[‘Ride of the Valkyries’ plays and everyone looks to the rafters, where Kamikazie straddles a very small tricycle.]
Styles: He’s blindfolded, in the rafters, on a tricycle and… is that a bow and an arrow?
SW: Why does the Generic Ref have an apple on his head?
MV: Introducing first, weighing in at a combined weight of 440 lbs, from Banzai Falls, Georgia and Suicida, Mexico… Kamikazie Ken and Insano Mano!
NH: I see Ken, but where’s Mano?
SW: I doubt even Insano Mano is dumb enough to make his entrance with Ken.
[Insano Mano appears from behind the curtain and just stands watching as Ken begins pedalling.]
Styles Oh my…
[Ken falls from the rafters, hurtling towards the ring. As the tricycle spirals down Ken shoots the arrow and hits a fan, before crashing into the canvas head first.]
SW: I hope that fan doesn’t sue, it was all Ken’s fault.
[The Generic Ref opens his eyes and sees Ken squashed beneath the twisted metal.]
NH: Ken doesn’t look too good.
Styles: He still has a flaming cheese graters match to get through!
[‘Highway to Hell’ by AC/DC plays.]
MV: And their opponents, from South Central, Drudleyville, being accompanied to the ring by Small Tyke Drudley and Joel Bertner… Rubba Ray and D-Van, The Drudley Boyz!
Styles: Insano Mano is trying to bring Ken around with smelling salts as those damn Drudleys pile into the ring.
NH: Oh no, someone take the mic away from that loser.
Joel Bertner: Well, well, well… it is I, the quintessential studcrumpet, the-
Insano Mano: ¡Usted idiota estúpido del apoyo del cuello! ¡Y todos usted los perdedores innatos, tiene cierto respecto por mi socio de la etiqueta que cae Kamikazie Ken!
Styles: Insano Mano just punched Joel Bertner right in the mouth!
NH: Mano is my hero.
SW: I suppose you’ll be sleeping with him tonight.
NH: He could be cute under that mask.
Styles: Rubba Ray and D-Van outnumber Mano as Tyke pulls Bertner out of the ring. Generic Ref calls for the bell and this match is under way.
SW: And Ken still has a tricycle wrapped around his neck, I can see where this is going.
NH: D-Van body slams Mano and Rubba drops an elbow, these guys are such bullies double-teaming a guy half their size.
SW: I hear Mano is half MY size, if you know what I mean.
NH: *breaks a toothpick in half* I doubt that!
Styles: Mano is pulling himself up but those damn Drudleys just start punching him until he collapses back to the mat.
[Rubba shoves D-Van.]
RRD: GET THE CHEESE GRATER!
SW: Yes! The only reason any of us were even slightly interested in this match.
D-Van: What kind do you want?
RRD: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN?
D-Van: Well, this one’s a flat rectangler shape and this one’s like a pyramid and-
RRD: JUST SET ONE ON FIRE!
NH: Rubba holds Mano up as D-Van sets a few cheese graters on fire, these losers are so disgusting.
Insano Mano: ¡Para mi amigo suicida caído, coma esto!
Styles: Insano Mano with a dropkick right in Rubba Ray’s jaw! Rubba falls to the outside as D-Van climbs back in. He goes to hit Mano with a flaming grater, but Mano dropkicks it into his face!
[D-Van falls to the canvas and starts squirming around violently like a fish out of water.]
SW: The hell?
Styles: Mano makes a cover, one, two, Small Tyke pulled D-Van’s foot onto the rope.
NH: Ken looks like he’s starting to come to.
IM: ¡Despierte mi aquaintance caído con el triciclo alrededor de su cuello! ¡Mast vencemos estas bestias despreciables con toda nuestra fuerza y graters llameantes del queso!
Styles: Look out Mano! Behind you!
[Rubba clotheslines Mano in the back of his head.]
SW: You need to relax Styles, you get way into this stuff.
Styles: I do not. MY GOD D-Van is in there too with another flaming cheese grater! Rubba holds Mano up as D-Van scrapes it across his mask, oh the humanity!
SW: Rubba has one too and is shredding up Mano’s forehead, now this is my kind of wrestling.
Styles: They’re tearing up the top of his mask and slicing away the skin from his forehead, these two are just despicable.
NH: Ken rolls out of the ring and the Drudley morons are too busy disfiguring poor Mano to notice.
Styles: Ken has a cheese grater of his own and sets it alight. He jumps to the apron and climbs up to the top rope facing the Drudleys’ backs. 360 flying cheese grater shot knocks them both down!
NH: Ken covers Rubba Ray, because D-Van is having another seizure, one, two, he kicks out.
Styles: D-Van stumbles to his feet but Mano springboards out of nowhere and dropkicks a cheese grater into his face.
SW: Rubba low blows Ken, I think Ken is beyond having children after what he’s put his body through anyway so it shouldn’t matter.
Styles: Mano throws a cheese grater and Rubba catches it- Van Cheesynator! Mano then slides out under the bottom rope.
SW: Van Cheesynator? What the fuck?
Styles: Insano Mano truly is the innovator of violence involving cheese graters.
NH: Mano is looking under the ring and he pulls out… a bottle of Tequila.
SW: Hey, Mano, I need some of that.
Styles: Mano gets back in the ring where Rubba Ray is almost back on his feet, Mano chugs some of that Tequila and grabs one of those flaming graters- OH MY GYOD!
SW: Holy shit.
NH: Insano Mano blew that Tequila onto the grater and sent a fireball at Rubba’s face.
Crowd: Holy Poop! Holy Poop! Holy Poop!
Styles: Rubba rolls out to the floor as Ken and Mano get to work grating away D-Van’s face. He does the fish out of water thing and manages to get away from them. As he gets up they charge at him but are both knocked down by a double clothesline.
SW: D-Van pulls Mano back up and tucks him between his legs, ugh, before lifting him up onto his shoulders. He moves to the ropes and powerbombs him down onto a big pile of burning cheese graters on the outside.
Crowd: B-O-B! B-O-B!
NH: Kamikazie Ken comes from behind and rolls D-Van up. One, two, he kicks out.
Styles: He goes out to the apron and faces away from the ring. He somehow manages to springboard backwards and does all sorts of spinning and twisting in the air, but D-Van sidesteps at the last second and Ken lands right on the top of his head.
SW: He’s dead again.
NH: Mano just got a Rubba Cutter on the outside onto some more of those flaming cheese graters.
D-Van: Rubba… get the-
RRD: Hey, you don’t get to do that catchphrase!
D-Van: Well, get some cheese graters and shut up then.
SW: Rubba comes back in with an armful of cheese graters and drops them in the middle of the ring.
NH: He’s pouring lighter fluid on them and sets them alight.
Styles: D-Van lifts Ken and whips him to the ropes… 4D connects on those flaming cheese graters! One, two, three THEYGOTHIM!
SW: And these two idiots still have to wrestle later tonight in a 30 minute hardcore match!
NH: They do? Well, Ken definitely will.
SW: C'mon. Our fans are bloodthirsty. I guarantee Insano Mano will be his opponent or I'll let you have sex with me, Heidi. But if I'm right, I can have sex with YOU!
Styles: It's just their luck that the power went out last week right before their match so they'd be forced into wrestling twice on the same night. Uhhh POTENTIALLY! Not that we KNOW they're going to...uh...
SW: BWAHAHAHA! Styles gave away the results.
Styles: So did you!
SW: Yeah, but there's one big difference. I don't care. Good job Michael Cole.
NH: Let's move this show along, huh?
["You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)" plays. Big cheer from the crowd.]
MV: The following contest is a Chloroform Your Opponent To Win Match! Introducing first, from Banal, Oregon, Unit 5!
NH: It's now time to see who will face Unit 5!
4. Chloroform Your Opponent To Win: Unit 5 vs. ???
A. Dustbuster Boy, Esq. 16.6%
B. Steve Studnuts 0%
C. douja 66.6%
D. Christina Gaguilera 16.6%
E. Britney Smears 0%
Styles: Oh my GOD! douja versus Unit 5! It's the grudge match months in the making!
["How High" by Method Man and Redman hits.]
MV: And its opponent. From Parts Forgotten. douja!
SW: And here it is. A match that probably could maybe main event a show, but instead, it's the fourth match on a throwaway show. Brilliant booking.
NH: This isn't a throwaway show. This is supposed to be giving our fans what they want to see most.
Styles: douja and Unit 5 are locked in the triple cage.
SW: I hope they're enforcing a no bowel movements clause for this match.
Styles: douja charges.
BANG BANG BANG BANG
Styles: And he's unloading with some hard punches, but Unit 5 is taking every one of them and still standing tall.
SW: Not even a dent.
Unit 5: *Slosh slosh slosh slosh whirrrrrrrr*
Styles: This is it. Man versus machine. And douja and Unit 5 stalling a bit here. Neither one wants to make a mistake. Unit 5 charges forward!
Styles: And Unit 5 smashes into douja, who falls through the ropes to the floor. And listen to the crowd cheering!
NH: douja is looking mighty pissed.
SW: I would be too if the fans voted me to fight Unit 5. He won't sell crap. And his rinse cycle leaves something to be desired as well.
Styles: douja trying to get back in the ring, but Unit 5 keeps blocking his entrance. Generic Ref can't hold back the hatred that Unit 5 harbors for douja.
SW: Can somebody chloroform me? This match blows.
Styles: douja starts to come back in, but sees Unit 5 on the charge and gets out quickly. And the fans are booing douja fiercely now.
NH: BOB's living legend not as confident as usual tonight.
SW: He must be constipated.
Styles: Uh oh. douja just went under the ring and he's got a steel chair! He's about to take this one to the extreme! douja slides in quickly!
Styles: OH my GOD! How does Unit 5 withstand such a brutal attack? Unit 5's loading door opens and hits douja...oooh....ballshot! douja is doubled over in pain. And here comes Unit 5's new arm. Unit 5 charges and hits a clothesline of sorts. And douja retreats to the floor again.
NH: And now Unit 5 is dousing douja with water! Not to mention a few people in the front row behind douja. But there's no place he can go. He's stuck in the triple cage. The door has been locked shut. There must be a winner. Hey! Get that rag away from me.
SW: Blast. So close to victory.
NH: You have the chloroform?
SW: This is mine, thank you very much.
Crowd: BOOOORING! BOOOOOORING! BOOOOORING!
Styles: What is douja doing now? He's rolling a joint? He's in a match! Will somebody get douja under control?
Styles: With a mighty spray of water, Unit 5 is up! OH MY GOD! SUICIDE PLANCHA ONTO DOUJA! OH MY GOD! douja may be DEAD after that one!
NH: And amazingly, Unit 5 using a refined pipe system has just righted itself.
SW: If I may steal a line from The Commentator, how do you learn to have a 240 pound washing machine fall on you?
Styles: Unit 5 is looking under the ring...presumably for a bottle of chloroform.
NH: What the hell is this?
Styles: What the hell is what? Oh my god. I don't believe what I'm seeing.
[The camera cuts to the aisle, where a Ispep Vending Machine is rolling down the aisle.]
Styles: Are you kidding me?
NH: Is it here to help Unit 5 or douja?
Styles: I don't know. But it's coming straight toward the cage and it isn't slowing down!
Styles: The Ispep Vending Machine just crashed through the cage! Oh my god!
RATTLE RATTLE THUMP CRASH
Styles: What was that?
RATTLE RATTLE THUMP CRASH
NH: Unit 5 has just been hit by bottles of...something...does that smell like chloroform to you?
Styles: It sure does!
SW: You're just smelling my chloroform. We're too far away for you to smell whatever the Ispep machine is shooting out.
RATTLE RATTLE THUMP CRASH
NH: The fans are just baffled as to what they're seeing.
Styles: The Ispep vending machine charges!
Styles: And knocks Unit 5 over! Unit 5 is down on the floor! douja is laughing! What the HELL is the meaning of this?
NH: Generic Ref is baffled.
SW: Which is usual for him, honestly.
RATTLE RATTLE THUMP
Styles: Now douja is grabbing a bottle of chloroform from the machine. I can't believe it. douja has shocked us all. Who is this monster of a machine?
SW: It must be his long lost second cousin or something.
Styles: And douja bashes Unit 5 with the bottle of chloroform! I think he just won the match? This sucks! Unit 5 has just been screwed over by douja and this Ispep Vending Machine.
MV: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the match, douja!
NH: What is our booking team smoking?
SW: The same stuff as douja. Woohoo!
Styles: Fans, we've got a huge mess to clean up. We'll try and find out what's going on here. We'll be right back. Don't go anywhere.
SW: Uh, Styles? There are no commercial breaks, remember?
Styles: Oh. Well...let's all just sit quietly and watch them clean up the mess then. What. We don't have anybody to interview backstage?
SW: I don't know. I think TC got fired. But his replacement isn't set to start until next year.
NH: TC got fired?
Styles: That's the rumor going around since Go Home. And I haven't seen him here tonight.
SW: Well...I'd expect one of the bookers to anally rape him before he goes, as is the time honored tradition.
NH: Yikes. I hope I never get fired.
SW: Oh, your time is coming, honey. And I'll be first in line, baby!
Styles: I know anal rape is such a funny topic, but let's turn our attention to the next match, shall we?
SW: *Sigh* Fine. Whatever.
Styles: Misty Waters, who has been having problems with Sir Zeno's stable in the last few shows, tonight gets a small shot at revenge as she faces Queen Mylisiv.
SW: And what was up with that Countess Contest?
NH: That's when they get those sexy long dresses with the long sleeves and have their hair up like a sexy vamp chick and look sort of gothic.
SW: Boring. If that got ANY votes, those fans are retarded.
Styles: Let's see how the voting shook out.
5. Misty Waters vs. Queen Mylisiv in a:
A. Cheerleader Catfight! 16.6%
B. Mistress of Pain Match! 16.6%
C. Go-Go Girl Grudge Match! 16.6%
D. Countess Contest! 0%
E. Wet T-shirt War! 50%
SW: Oh baby. I can't wait to see what color Queen Mylisiv's nipples are!
NH: It's a good thing you've got that no-bump clause in your contract. Sir Zeno would sever your head for a comment like that.
SW: Yeah. Legal loopholes rule!
Styles: I understand they were just informed of what they'd be wearing and their getting into costume as we speak.
SW: Sweet. Let's go check out THAT footage!
Styles: We don't have footage of them getting dressed! We have a little bit of respect for women in BOB.
["Killed By Death" hits. The crowd boos as The Million Dollar Entity walks out by the entryway with a microphone stand.]
Styles: Ohhh NO! Death's going to kill some time with a comedy routine! Oh my GOD!
Death: Good evening everybody. Thanks for coming out. Man, you'll never believe what happened the other night to me. So, this couple had been debating about buying a new car for weeks. The problem was, the husband want a truck, and his wife wanted a fast sports car so she could fly through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
Death: Finally, she says to him, "Look. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
Death: So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. BWAHAHAHAHA! Oh yeah, he's SOOOO dead now.
Death: I recently bought one of those bracelets that has the words "What would Jesus do?" engraved on it. So now, any time I get into a difficult situation, I can look at my bracelet and remember to ask myself, "What would Jesus do?"
Death: The next day, I was in a movie theater and some jerk's cell phone goes off. He starts talking really loud on it and at some point I couldn't take it anymore so I yelled at him to shut up. When he turned around and told me to shove it, I jumped out of my chair and was ready to cave his head in. But then my bracelet caught my attention and I remembered, "What would Jesus do in this situation?"
Death: So I lit him on fire and threw him in hell. BWAHAHAHAHA!
Death: Everybody always wants to know about Heaven. Here's a true story, and I know, because I was there. So, after a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
Death: "I don't understand," he complained to God. "I devoted my entire life to my congregation." "Our policy here in heaven is to reward results," God explained. "Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?" "Well," the minister had to admit, "some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."
Death: "Exactly," said God, "and when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed wake, they even prayed." Thank you all. You've been a great audience! See you soon! BWAHAHAHA!
MV: The following contest will be a Wet T-Shirt War!
Crowd: OWWWWWW! WHOOOOOOO!
["Fuck And Run" by Liz Phair begins playing.]
MV: Introducing first, from Buttzville, New Jersey. Misty Waters!
[Misty walks out wearing a wet wifebeater T-shirt, leaving nothing to the imagination, and a pair of sexy white panties, in addition to her usual wrestling gear.
NH: Why is the table suddenly six inches off the floor boys?
SW: Why do YOU think? Woohoo!
["Toxic" by Britney Smears begins playing.]
MV: And her opponent. From Dimension G-4. Queen Mylisiv!
[Queen Mylisiv comes out wearing a wet T-shirt over her red singlet.]
SW: BOOOOO! What's up with THAT?
NH: Wow. It takes something for Scotty to boo a chick. She's a real deal heel.
SW: I should FIRE her.
Styles: She is wearing a wet T-shirt.
SW: It just ain't right. As far as I'm concerned, Mylivis isn't even here. I'm just gonna stare at Misty.
NH: Scotty. Hands above the table please.
Styles: Mylisiv is in the cage. And this one is ready to kick off. And I apologize in advance if I suddenly lose my train of thought, but it's tough with Misty looking as outstanding as she looks right now.
SW: We should have had a shirts and skins match. Maybe next year!
Styles: And Mylisiv goes right on the attack and takes Misty down with an armdrag. Misty gets back up and takes Mylisiv down with a clothesline. She's going for the Misty Mountain Stomp this early?
NH: Nah. Mylisiv easily gets out of the ring before she can hit even one limb. Way too early.
Styles: PESCADO BY MISTY TO THE FLOOR! And both women crash into the cage.
SW: This is almost like a softcore prison movie. Woohoo! Can we put Britney and Christina into the cage for an orgy scene?
Styles: Calm down, Scotty. The ladies are back inside. Misty with a headlock.
SW: Oh baby. Queen Mylisiv is buried between Misty's boobies! What a lucky girl.
Styles: Mylisiv elbowing her way free. And there's a—
SW: Titty to titty suplex! Oh baby!
Styles: Cover by Mylisiv. But only a one count. Mylisiv charges, but right into a bear hug! Oh, but Mylisiv with a headbutt to break that hold. Queen tries for a kick, but Misty catches it. Enzugeri connects! And Misty is down. One. Two! Misty kicks out.
NH: Now Queen Mylisiv begins working on Misty's neck with some headscissors.
SW: This match rules!
Styles: Sound like the crowd agrees with you. Misty trying to power her way out. She flips over into a bridge! What a counter! One! Two! Mylisiv kicks out. Mylisiv grabs Misty by the hair and tosses her across the ring!
Styles: Now Mylisiv going for a camel clutch. And she's got it locked in!
SW: Man, what a shot that is. Look at those erect nipples! I think Misty is turned on by Queen Mylisiv.
Styles: Or it's cold in here. But Misty is using her leg strength and she's forcing her way onto her knees. And she lifts Mylisiv up and falls back on her! These women can brawl.
SW: Misty's starting to dry off. Anybody got a squirt gun? Oh wait, there's a fire hose.
NH: Don't touch that! That'll set off an alarm.
Styles: Misty connects with those punches. Mylisiv is down. Misty with a leg drop! Cover! One! Two! Thr-no. Mylisiv whips Misty into the ropes. Kneelift! But schoolgirl roll counter! One! Two! Mylisiv escapes!
SW: I think Misty should strip Queen Mylisiv of her top so this is an equal fight.
Styles: Mylisiv misses a clothesline! Misty grabs her. German suplex!
SW: Oh baby! Crotch closeup! Woohoo!
Styles: One! Two! THREE! SHEGOTHER!
NH: Who got who?
Styles: It looked like Mylisiv's shoulders were down.
NH: I don't know. Misty's shoulders looked down to me.
SW: You two are so sad. You were looking at their SHOULDERS? Why weren't you looking at their crotches like me?
Styles: Both girls are arguing their case to Generic Ref. OH MY GOD!
[Misty flashes Generic Ref...and of course, the crowd.]
Styles: I think Misty just won.
MV: The winner of the match....Misty Waters!
Styles: And Queen Mylisiv is PISSED! ROYAL OUCHIE ON MISTY! And the crowd is pissed now! Mylisiv is pounding away on Misty Waters. What a sore loser.
SW: Can we have a bathroom break before the next match?
Styles: Um...sure. I, too, could use a bathroom break.
NH: I, too, also need a bathroom break.
NH: It's not that.
SW: Woohoo! Now I'm gonna be thinking about Heidi thinking about this match! Oh baby! Gotta go.
[Sounds of headsets being thrown down. The camera stays with the ring as Queen Mylisiv leaves to loud boos from the crowd, and then Misty is helped out to loud cheers by Generic Ref. Then, a bunch of people head to the overcrowded bathrooms. And...yeah...it stays like this for about ten minutes until the announcers finally return, along with a majority of the crowd.]
Styles: Dead air? Oh yeah, we're live.
SW: This is why live is such a retarded idea.
NH: Well...I guess we should—
SW: Can I smell your fingers, Heidi? I'll give you all the money I have on me.
NH: How much is that exactly?
SW: Let's see...I've got...two bucks and seventy-seven cents!
NH: Aww...too bad. If you had about five bucks I might have considered it.
SW: I'll start saving. Woohoo!
NH: It's time to see who will face Kamikazie Ken in a 30 minute Enduro Hardcore Loser Leaves Sunday Morning Chloroform Match. Let's see how the voting shook out.
6. 30 Minute Enduro Hardcore Loser Leaves SMC Match: Kamikazie Ken vs.
A. Insano Mano 66.6%
B. Igpay Atinolay Eathay 16.6%
C. Super Gluey 0%
D. Dr. Thrilla 16.6%
E. The Domino 0%
Styles: OH MY GOD! They were partners earlier tonight. Now they'll be enemies. Again!
NH: I wonder if this will finally, once and for all, end the can-you-top-this style of feud that's been going on for, what, years now?
SW: What is this enduro thing anyway? Is that like the Atari game where they race around for 24 hours straight? Except they're doing it for 30 minutes here?
Styles: No. We're using the word enduro instead of Iron Man, due to legal threatens from the 'E'.
SW: The 'E'?
SW: But you just used the word iron man.
Styles: But we didn't use it in our advertising. That's how we were able to use Billy Kidman with his name. Because we never introduced him as Billy Kidman or advertised him as Billy Kidman. But he worked as Billy Kidman.
SW: Billy who?
NH: Torrie Wilson's hubby.
SW: Oh. What about him?
["Ride of the Valkryies" hits. Everyone in the crowd looks up as Ken is shown standing superhero style on top of the triple cage.]
MV: The following is a 30 minute hardcore match. The man who scores the most falls during the match will be declared the winner. The loser will be forced to leave SMC...andprobablygotoprojectxinjanuary. Introducing first. Now losing his footing as he's climbing down the cage.
MV: From Banzai Falls, Georgia. Kamikazie Ken!
["Kamikazie Ken Es Una Perra" by Hombres Insanos, a Mexican death metal band from Insano Mano's hometown of Suicida, Mexico, begins blaring through the speakers.]
MV: And his opponent. From Suicida, Mehico...Insano Mano!
SW: Wow. The Flunky has brought down some major league plunder. Look at it all over the ring. These guys are gonna die! What the hell is in the kiddie pool over there?
NH: Looks like a hardcore salad of glass syringes, light bulbs, fish hooks, thumbtacks, screws and nails.
NH: Weak? What are you expecting?
Styles: Scotty is so jaded. It looks like we're ready to go inside the Triple Cage. We're about to get EXTREME for thirty minutes. Oh my GOD!
NH: And these guys were partners earlier tonight. And I'm sure Insano Mano isn't happy about Ken costing them the match.
SW: That poopooheado.
Styles: Collar and elbow tie up. Ken grabs Mano into a side headlock.
Styles: Beer bottle to the skull!
SW: Let the carnage begin. Bleed! Bleed! BLEEEEEEEED!
NH: Yeesh. Psychotic much?
Styles: Ken with a rollup. One! Two! OH MY GOD! Pepper spray!
SW: Did he borrow that from you, Heidi?
NH: I don't think so.
SW: Oh? The rape attempts down lately?
Styles: Ken is blinded. He's swinging wildly, but Mano is just waiting for his chance to blast Ken. Mano with a small package! One! Two! Ken reverses! One! Two! Mano reverses! One! Two! Kickout. Mano heads to the top. Corkscrew missile dropkick connects.
SW: Look at Ken. His blue mask is turning red.
Styles: Mano locks Ken into a headlock. Ken whips him into the ropes. Ken with a rolling moonsault attempt, but Mano hangs on.
Styles: Mailbox to the skull of Kamikazie Ken!
SW: That was a speedy delivery.
Styles: Mano charges at Ken but Ken catches him! Reverse powerbomb sends Mano throat-first onto the top rope! Ken with a springboard into a DDT! Cover! One! Two! NO!
SW: What is that idiot doing? He's wrapping barbed wire around his hand? Does he have any nerve endings left?
Styles: Barbed wire chop!
Styles: And again!
Styles: Oh my GOD! Mano's outfit is being ripped to shreds by the barbed wire! Not to mention his FLESH! Mano ducks. German suplex OVER THE TOP ROPE! Mano up top. FROG SPLASH FROM THE TOP ROPE TO THE FLOOR!
SW: These guys won't make it to thirty minutes. They'll either be crippled or dead. And to that, I say, woohoo!
NH: Generic Ref starting the count on both guys, who aren't getting up very quickly here.
SW: C'mon you pussies.
Styles: You know, I'd really like to see you get in there in a hardcore match and see how big a pussy you'd be.
SW: I'd just be like all good U.S. presidents did during Vietnam. I'd leave the country and return a few years later after the craziness had passed.
Styles: Both guys make it back into the ring. Ken grabs a violin.
SW: He's about to make some beautiful music.
Styles: And smashes it on Mano's arm! But apparently that wasn't big enough for Ken because now he's got a guitar.
SW: Hey! That's not one of those cheap-ass fake acoustic guitars. That's an electric guitar!
Styles: OH MY GOD! He just smashed it into Mano's arm! Now what? Ken's putting the guitar on the mat. He's got lighter fluid!
NH: I think he's about to pull a Jimi Hendrix.
Styles: The guitar is on fire! And HE'S SMASHING IT INTO MANO! OH MY GOD!
SW: (Singing) Let Mano stand next to Ken's fire! Let him staaaand!
NH: We're never going back to pay-per-view, are we?
SW: There are no rules on the Internet. It's like international waters. We can gamble, take over other ships and rape and plunder! Arrrrr!
Styles: Ken...pardon me, but I think that's actually a WRESTLING move! Ken with an armlock? But Mano whips Ken off. Mid-ring collision sends Ken to the mat, but it hurt Mano's arm. Mano with an Asai moonsault...into headscissors?
SW: Damn. That looked painful for BOTH idiots.
NH: Oh no! Now THIS bring new meaning to head scissors!
Styles: HE'S GOT SCISSORS? OH MY GOD! This is bordering on ATTEMPTED MURDER! He's stabbing Ken in the head!
SW: Oh, come on, Styles. Do we have to have our conversation about wrestling, the Easter Bunny and freedom again? They're all lies, Styles.
NH: Ken is fighting his way out of the head scissor stabbing. Ken with some kicks to Mano's arms and he's free. And we're only five minutes into this thing.
SW: Hammer time!
Styles: Ken's got a hammer! And there's a hammer lock! AND HAMMER SHOTS! These guys are REDEFINING HARDCORE!
SW: Sadly, these guys are both too stupid to quit.
Styles: Ken lifts up Mano. Oh no! He's gonna try for a powerslam, but he's got Mano's arm trapped behind his back! OH MY GOD! He hit it! Mano's arm has gotta be broken!
SW: No wonder why this is a Loser Leaves Chloroform match. The loser probably will become a permanent resident at the vegetable ward of the nearest hospital.
Styles: Cover! One! Two!
Styles: He gets a shoulder up, but I think Mano just DISLOCATED it in the process! Ken heads to the top rope. Somersault headbutt from the top rope! COVER! One! Two! Mano kicks out! Unbelievable!
NH: It seems like the fans are totally disgusted by this match.
SW: Or bored. It's always tough to tell.
NH: And now Ken is just trying to tear the arm right off. And I'm sure if he is able to rip if off Mano's body, then Ken will wrap it up in barbed wire and use it as a weapon.
Styles: Mano breaks free and rolls out to the floor, trying to get a breather. Or more likely, a weapon. But here comes KEN! SUICIDE DIVE CONNECTS and both men crash into the cage! Oh my god.
NH: He's got a bowling bowl. He sets it in position and grabs Mano. DAMN! Atomic drop on the bowling bowl! That could have shattered his pelvis.
SW: And squished his nads.
Styles: And Ken clocks him with...a clock!
SW: He cold-clocked him.
Styles: Mano back inside. Ken waiting on Mano to get up.
SW: It may be a while. Mano's looking, well, broken to bits.
Styles: Ken's up. But Mano charges and dropkicks Ken!
Styles: OH MY GOD! Ken just crashed into the KIDDIE POOL OF DEATH! Kamikazie Ken is a HUMAN PINCUSHION!
Crowd: THIS IS GORY! *Clap, clap, clapclapclap* THIS IS GORY! *Clap, clap, clapclapclap* THIS IS GORY! *Clap, clap, clapclapclap*
Styles: Mano is down in the ring. Ken is sliced and punctured on the floor. And we've still got more than 20 minutes to go!
NH: And they already wrestled in a flaming cheesegraters match earlier.
SW: Our fans are sick! You gotta love 'em!
NH: Mano's is really favoring that arm. Is just hanging limply, and why do I think there is a Scotty joke in that sentence?
Styles: Ken is trying to pull glass and tacks and syringes out of his body. My god, I have never seen anything as disturbing as this in my life.
NH: Oh good God. Look at what Mano's just found. A watermelon and a sledgehammer!
SW: Is he gonna do a Gallagher routine? OK, NOW they're crossing the line.
Styles: Mano pulls Ken into the middle of the ring. And now he's got a microphone.
IM: ¿Por qué lo llaman fantasía final cuando guardan el agregar de nuevas versiones?
SW: Wow, no laughter. That's a PERFECT Gallagher impersonation!
NH: I doubt half our audience even knows who Gallagher is.
SW: See? It's PERFECT!
Styles: He smashes the watermelon!
NH: And the crowd goes monkey!
Styles: And here comes another watermelon!
SW: Oh, this NEVER gets old.
Styles: And Mano destroys another watermelon with the sledgehammer. Oh NO! A WATERMELON WRAPPED IN BARBED WIRE!
Styles: HE SMASHES THE BARBED WIRE WATERMELON! COVER! One! Two! THR—NO! Ken SOMEHOW kicked out!
NH: Mano is going to look for more weapons. It looks like we're about to get in the holiday spirit. He's got a pumpkin and a frozen turkey.
SW: Too late for Halloween and too early for Thanksgiving. Call it Hallogiving.
Styles: Mano picks up Ken. And Ken is hung in the tree of woe. He puts the pumpkin in front of his face. BASEBALL SLIDE DROPKICK!
NH: Pumpkin guts everywhere.
SW: Ken's a real jackass o'lantern.
Styles: And here comes the turkey. Another baseball slide dropkick. And Ken falls from the buckles.
NH: Ken won't be thanking Mano for that bird.
Styles: Cover. One. Two. Thr-NO! Still no falls in this Enduro Match. Both men struggling to get up. Mano charges but runs right into springboard spin kick! Ken waiting on Mano to get up. MOONSAULT INTO A RUSSIAN LEG SWEEP! OH MY GOD! COVER! One! Two! THREE—NO! How did Mano kick out.
NH: Now Ken is going looking for some weapons. Oh no. How did that fish tank get in there?
SW: Are there piranhas in it?
NH: It looks like it.
Styles: Ken gingerly gets the tank into the ring. And now Ken puts it into position on top of Mano and heads up top. But Mano is up! Mano and Ken fighting up top. Mano has the advantage. Oh no! NOOOOOOO!
Styles: OH MY GOD! MICHINOKU DRIVER AND BOTH MEN CRASH INTO THE PIRAHNA TANK!
SW: Holy shit!
Crowd: THIS IS GORY! *Clap, clap, clapclapclap* THIS IS GORY! *Clap, clap, clapclapclap* THIS IS GORY! *Clap, clap, clapclapclap*
NH: Mano finally manages to make the cover!
Styles: One! Two! Three! Mano gets the first fall!
SW: That was the coolest fucking thing I've ever seen! Why can't all the matches be like this?
NH: Because the rest of the roster would be dead. Only Mano and Ken continue to cheat Death.
SW: Death just is too entertained by their stupidity to kill them. They're like human cartoon characters.
Styles: Human cartoon characters who are completely soaked in their own blood! And covered in glass and shattered fruit!
SW: And dead fish.
NH: We are rapidly approaching the half-way point of this match, but both guys are taking a LONG time getting up. Generic Ref has started a ten count on them.
Styles: Mano throws an arm across Ken! One! Two! Three-NO! Ken gets a shoulder up! And the crowd is cheering both of these hardcore brawlers to get up.
NH: Mano heads to the floor. Oh no. He's got a barbed wire hockey stick and is heading to the top rope!
Styles: Barbed wire hockey stick drop connects! Right to the chest of Ken. Mano heads back outside. Now what's he got? A barbed wire baseball bat! He's back up top! BARBED WIRE BASEBALL BAT DROP CONNECTS!
NH: Oh man, I think I just saw one of our audience members faint.
SW: Yeah, it is kinda warm in here tonight. Can they turn down the heat a bit?
NH: From the blood, moron.
Styles: Mano has a barbed wire tennis racket and he's back up top. HE MISSED! OH MY GOD! And the barbed wire racket is stuck to Mano's face! Ken is up!
Styles: Homerun shot with the barbed wire baseball bat into the barbed wire tennis racket! And now both of those weapons are stuck together with Mano's masked face!
NH: Now Ken is going to look for a weapon.
SW: A barbed wire skateboard?
Styles: Ken is in. And now he's about to go Tony Hawk on Mano's ass! He starts moving. He jumps up on the top rope! And he smashes into Mano's face with the board! Good LORD! This is insane!
SW: And the skateboard is stuck. Man, that barbed wire is tricky stuff.
Styles: And Mano smartly uses that mess attached to his mask as a weapon with a barbed wire headbutt that floors Ken. Mano is trying to get the stuff off his face and Generic Ref is helping a bit.
GR: Sorry. Was that your face?
Styles: Now what's Mano got.
Styles: TONGS! OH MY GOD! He's using the tongs on Ken's crotch!
SW: And all our male viewers cross their legs and tremble a bit inside.
Styles: Ken counters with a small package! ONE! TWO! THREE—NO! Mano charges, but Ken with a dropkick to Mano's shins! Ken scrambles out to the floor. A MICROWAVE? GOOD GOD NO!
NH: He's heading to the top rope!
SW: I hope Mano doesn't have a pacemaker.
Styles: The crowd is on their feet. I have never heard a reaction to a match like this EVER! Both men are sacrificing their bodies for no earthly reason!
NH: And now Ken is getting...more insane weapons. Oh no!
SW: A barbed wire table! A barbed wire ladder! And a barbed wire chair! Oh my!
Styles: What a chairshot! And Ken sets up Mano on top of the barbed wire table!
SW: Anybody got a cigarette? This one's gonna be a light up moment if EVER I've seen one.
Styles: The fan are all standing as Ken climbs the turnbuckles. And now he's on the ladder! Oh NOOOOOOO!
Styles: SWANTON BOMB THROUGH THE TABLE CONNECTED! Both men are broken, bloody, quivering, unmoving messes!
Crowd: THIS IS GORY! *Clap, clap, clapclapclap* THIS IS GORY! *Clap, clap, clapclapclap* THIS IS GORY! *Clap, clap, clapclapclap*
NH: Is this match legal?
SW: I don't know. You think that girl in the front row is legal?
Styles: Ken crawls on top! One! TWO! THRE-NO!!! Mano will not be pinned. What is it going to take?
SW: Why does he care? It's just Chloroform.
Styles: Ken is climbing back up the barbed wire ladder. OH MY GOD! HUMAN MISSILE! Ken just landed HEAD FIRST on Mano's midsection! But Ken can't get over to make the cover.
SW: Think he's paralyzed finally?
Styles: It could very well be. No! Ken kips up! Are you kidding me! And the crowd is going crazy! Ken heads out to the floor. BARBED WIRE SHOVEL? He's waiting on Mano. He's up!
SW: Swing and a miss! Strike one!
Styles: Mano with a back body drop. BLOCKED! KAMIKAZIE KUTTER ONTO THE BARBED WIRE SHOVEL!
SW: How can you top a barbed wire shovel, Styles?
NH: You really shouldn't have asked that question. You know they will now.
Styles: And right on cue, Ken heads out to the floor. OH MY GOD! STOP THE MATCH!
NH: What the HELL is that?
SW: It's a barbed wire SHOTGUN! OH MAN!
Styles: Cut the camera! Cut the camera!
NH: Ken is aiming at Mano! And now...he pummels him with the shotgun?
Styles: I hope that gun isn't loaded.
SW: I hope both brawlers are loaded. On booze. It's the only way they could keep going.
NH: I'm afraid this match is going to limp to a close. Another missed limp Scotty joke.
SW: Stop that.
Styles: Ken's going into his boot. What the? OH NO! A plastic Wal-Mart bag! And now he locks in a sleeper hold! And puts the bag over Mano's head!
SW: BWAHAHAHA! Look at the smiley face. There's something so wrong about seeing that bloody smiley face as Mano loses consciousness.
Styles: Mano is down to one knee. And now he's down to the mat. Generic Ref lifts the arm!
Styles: He lifts the arm again!
Styles: He lifts the arm a third time!
Styles: Ken just EVENED the match at one fall a piece. OH MY GOD.
NH: Five minutes to go. But both men are EXHAUSTED.
SW: Well, one is potentially dead, but don't worry about facts or anything, Styles.
Generic Ref: One!
[Thirty seconds later.]
Generic Ref: Two!
[Thirty seconds later.]
Generic Ref: Three!
[Thirty seconds later.]
Generic Ref: Four!
[Thirty seconds later.]
SW: Are they moving yet?
NH: It looks like Ken's starting to move.
SW: This is the slowest ten count EVER.
GR: Guys, if neither one of you can get up, it's gonna be tied, and you'll have SUDDEN DEATH!
[Ken and Mano's heads pop off the mat.]
Styles: Ken and Mano crawl up onto their knees. And look at them punch away on each other.
SW: It's like an underwater fight. They're moving in slow motion.
NH: They're about ten miles past exhausted.
Styles: Punch by Mano.......Punch by Ken.........Punch by Mano......punch by Ken. Mano is down again. Ken falls on top of him. One! Two! Three! Ken goes up two-to-one! And we've still got 1:30 left!
[Ken grabs the microphone.]
KK: No we DON'T! Open the cage. Or we'll. SUE!
[Cut to BigBOSS.]
BigBOSS: Sue? Flunky! Open the cage. And clean up that mess.
[Back to the ring.]
SW: Only in BOB would a 30 minute match end a minute early. Weak.
Styles: Well...we have quite a mess to clean up. Let's fade to black and see if that solves all our problems.
NH: How can that work? We're live!
SW: Live? Please. We're already four days late. Let's just try it.
[Fade to black. Fade to light. Everything is back to normal.]
SW: If only I could do that with EVERY BOB show.
NH: It's now time to see which former champion the fans wanted to see challenge Sir Zeno for the Swiss Army Belt Showdown.
7. Swiss Army Belt Showdown: Sir Zeno vs. ???
A. Dustbuster Boy, Esq. 0%
B. Justin Voss 66.6%
C. douja 16.6%
D. Violent Pacifist 16.6%
E. Massive Man Rendition First 0%
SW: Ugh. The fans are DEFINITELY torturing us. Now we have to hear—
["If You're Happy And You Know It Clap Your Hands" plays. BIG POP!]
SW: And the crowd is clapping along, as if this weren't annoying enough already.
Styles: Those bastards...enjoying themselves at a show they paid for.
SW: It's not that they're enjoying themselves. It's that it's VOSS!
[Voss finally emerges and gets another big pop. He's still wearing those black tights with the smiley face on the front and the "Cheer me" deal on his backside. He's wearing gold boots and black wrap around sunglasses.]
MV: Introducing first, the challenger. From...uh...I don't know where. "The Stereotyped Face" Justin Voss!
Styles: He's stuck at age 22 thanks to the Fountain of Youth.
SW: Too bad you couldn't find that, Heidi.
NH: I do not look old! Stop that. You're gonna get me fired.
SW: Really? You old hag? Why don't we get a young girl for out here? Oh, don't cry. I'm just teasing.
NH: I'm not crying. I'm just wondering where to dispose of your body.
["Narayan" by Prodigy hits.]
MV: And his opponent. From Dimension Z. The current holder of the Swiss Army Belt. Sir Zeno!
NH: It's the toughest son of a beyotch who ever wore purple as his main color. That takes some balls, guys.
SW: Something else Zeno and you have in common.
SW: Taking balls.
Styles: Easy, Scotty. We're ready to get this one underway. Voss, of course, was a mainstay in BOB's formative years. And now he's back to see if he still has what it takes to be a champion or if his time has passed.
NH: It looks like Voss has stayed in shape. But he has no shot here.
SW: Especially with a match booked at Grudge Match A-Go-Go against Misty Rivers. Did you see that montage on the Go Home Edition of SMC? That was brilliant!
NH: Your idea?
Styles: I'm pretty sure it was Matt Parker or Trey Stone, or whatever those guys names are who wrote "Team America: World Police."
NH: Zeno gets the first blow.
SW: Eww. Is getting the title that important to Voss?
Styles: Will you get your mind out of the gutter?
Styles: I'm contractually required to ask at least once a show. Spin kick by Zeno. And Zeno stomping away on the first Swiss Army champion. He is just wearing him out with martial arts kicks.
SW: Meh, he's not Ernest "The Cat" Miller.
NH: Eeesh. Great. Now I'm going to have to repress THOSE memories again.
SW: Of The Cat?
NH: One of my ex-boyfriends had an Ernest "The Cat" fetish I'd really rather not talk about ever again.
SW: You really need to write a book. Preferably a pop-up book.
Styles: Can we PLEASE focus on the match? My dinner is threatening to come up. Voss whips Zeno into the ropes. Clothesline misses. But Voss takes him down this time with a shoulder block.
NH: And there's a DDT by Voss, who is getting cheered quite a bit.
SW: It's amazing how a group of people can chant when none of them are even moving their lips.
NH: Sheesh, wreck the moment why don't you?
Styles: Zeno kicks out of a cover easily at two. Voss connects with a punch. Another one. And another. And another. Zeno is dazed. Voss with a flying lariat and Zeno falls to the floor!
Voss: CHEER ME!
SW: Wow. I never saw a crowd chant etc. before.
NH: There's a production error for all the BOB Drinking Game players tonight!
Styles: Zeno's back in the ring. He charges, but Voss ducks a clothesline. Zeno rebounds and Zeno ducks a clothesline. Here we go again. Double clothesline and both men are down.
SW: Did we just go back in time to 1998? Man...
Styles: Zeno and Voss are getting up pretty quickly. Oh! Zeno connects with a leaping kick to Vossman's jaw.
SW: Now THAT's a grinbreaker. And hopefully a jaw breaker. Haha!
Styles: And Zeno with a running bulldog. Cover! One! Two! No. Voss escapes. Now what's Zeno doing. It looks like he's going for an overheard surfboard maneuver? NO! He just turned this into a painful submission maneuver. He's got Voss' legs all tied up and is pulling back on Voss' neck.
NH: It's gonna be tough to escape that move.
Styles: Zeno drops the hold? That could be a mistake. Zeno pulls up a woozy Voss. Short-arm clothesline! He pulls up Voss again. A second short-arm clothesline. And there's a third powerful clothesline from the Swiss Army champion. Voss trying to fight back, but Zeno with some stiff kicks.
NH: Voss is dazed. Now may be the time to end this thing once and for all.
Styles: Zeno pulls up Voss. He grabs him by the throat.
SZ: How much wood would Chuck Woolery chuck if Chuck Woolery could chuck wood?
Styles:::::::::::::::::::::::::: Zeno hits THE ETERNAL QUESTION!
SW: And our script writer abuses the colon key for some odd reason...
Styles: Cover! One! Two! Three! HEGOTHIM!
["Narayan" by Prodigy hits.]
MV: The winner of the match. And STILL Swiss Army Belt champion, Sir Zeno!
SW: Damn. Neither guy even bladed. What a shitty triple cage match that was. It's almost like whoever booked this match forgot the cage was there.
NH: Stop trying to amuse the smarks already!
SW: The what?
Styles: I'd like to vote we move along.
SW: I'd like to vote for a strip tease by Heidi. Why wasn't that on the ballot? We need a higher T&A count.
MV: It is now time for our main event!
SW: I wonder what the fans voted for.
Styles: They only had one option, Scotty. The booking committee totally skewed the outcome.
SW: Our booking committee is shady, but we're not THAT shady. We gave them five options. You saw the polls.
Styles: They were all for Footbrawl!
SW: Will you let Michelle continue so we can get on with it already?
MV: And according to what you, the fans, voted for, the main event will be...FOOTBRAWL!
MATCH 8: Sarah The Jobber Slayer, Kurt Angel, Little Good, Coma and Hallucination Boy vs. Death, Kay Fabe, Seth Harker, Steve Leary and John Skeet
A. FOOTBRAWL! 16.6%
B. A! 0%
C. A and B! 16.6%
D. A, B and C! 16.6%
E. All of the above! 50%
MV: The rules for this match, which will be fought inside the confines of the triple cage, are as follows. In the third level of this cage is the Golden Football. Anybody from either team can recover the football. The football must then be transported down to the first level. Whoever escapes the cage with the football will win the match for his team. One member of each team will begin. After one minute, two more competitors will enter the cage. Then after a minute, two more will enter. This will continue until both teams are in the cage. There will be no pins and no submissions. Only exiting the cage with the football through the door on the first level will gain victory.
SW: This is a pretty pointless match then, isn't it?
NH: No, the point is to make BigBOSS money.
SW: As long as I get paid.
["Queer" by Garbage plays.]
Michelle: Introducing first. From Cloudydale, Connecticut, this is Kay Fabe!
SW: I wonder if Seth has been hitting her over the head with a club and dragging her back to his place in preparation for their big Grudge Match A-Go-Go match.
NH: You have some odd fantasies.
Styles: What's going on here with Kay and Michelle?
SW: Unless there is tongue wrestling, I really don't care.
Michelle: Pardon me. I stand corrected. Hailing from...Parts Unknown, Kay Fabe.
Styles: I guess she's moved in with Seth Harker then?
NH: That's a big step. But you know what they say. Living together before marriage usually ends in a cliched wrestling angle.
SW: It does?
NH: Yeah. You never heard that?
SW: Can't say that I have.
["Too Drunk To Fuck" by Dead Kennedys plays next. And here comes Little Good, smoking a cigarette and carrying a brown bottle of some sort of booze. Possibly wine. Cheap, low-budget wine.]
Styles: And Kay looks totally disgusted that she is about to be locked up with Little Good.
Michelle: From Cloudydale, this is Little Good!
NH: He smokes. He drinks. And he's getting cheered for it.
SW: Bloody hell, why not just let him come out to "Enter Sandman" and be done with it already. I have a copy of that song I illegally downloaded off the Internet back in '98.
[Little Good stands at the door, blocking Michelle's escape.]
LG: 'Ello, love. See anything you like.
[He wipes his nose on his sleeve.]
MV: The door is looking mighty appealing right now.
LG: All right then. Bugger off.
Styles: And we're just about ready to go. Generic Ref is padlocking that door shut. Kay and Little Good staring across the ring at each other. We are about ready to finally see this main event come to life.
SW: Get him, Kay!
Styles: Kay charges, but Little Good locks her into a...bear hug?
NH: That's not a bear hug. That's more like a copafeel.
SW: I was gonna call it a grabherass.
Styles: Whatever you call it, Little Good has it locked in. And there are no DQs, so the referee can't break it.
SW: There could be lawsuits filed by tomorrow. We'll put our best lawyer on it!
NH: Isn't your best lawyer Dustbuster Boy, Esq.
SW: Ah, crap. You're right. Sorry, Kay.
Styles: Oh no! Kay is grinding her boot into Little Good's foot!
Styles: And Little Good releases Kay. Kay hits a DDT! Kay heading out to the floor and she's dragging Little Good out to the floor. Oh my! Little Good goes face first into the cage! And again! And again!
SW: And Little Good is blading early! Woohoo! Let the bloodshed begin.
Styles: Kay pulls up Little Good and throws him into the ring. And now she's going under the ring for a ladder!
NH: Little Good is up though. What the...
NH: Plancha onto the ladder, crushing Kay!
Styles: That was EXTREME!
SW: I hope her enormous boobs cushioned the blow.
Styles: Little Good grabs the ladder and heads inside. He's got to climb up to the trap door in order to gain access to the second level.
SW: I bet he's so stupid, he won't even be able to figure out how to open it.
NH: Is it getting near time for more team members?
SW: I hope so. We need more heels!
Styles: Little Good is up at the top. But here comes Kay! She climbs up the ladder and grabs Little Good. OH MY GOD! Wheelbarrow slam from the ladder! Little Good just got dropped from the top right down on his face!
SW: I hope that didn't hurt her ovaries.
NH: What are you talking about?
SW: I want my boy Seth to have some little cruiserweights someday.
Styles: Now Kay is climbing up the ladder. Though she is moving a little slowly after that one.
NH: And here come the next two participants.
[Kurt Angel and Coma run down the aisle and Generic Ref opens the cage door.]
SW: The hell? It's supposed to be heels! Heels heels heels heels heels heels heels!
Styles: Don't blame me, you're on the booking team.
SW: Damn random order. Why do we use REAL random order instead of the time-honored booked random order?
Styles: Kurt Angel grabs the ladder and pulls it away. Kay is hanging from the opening! Trying to pull herself up.
NH: What are Kurt and Little Good doing? They're just staring up at Kay.
LG: Hello, kitty.
[Coma joins them.]
Coma: Narf! Badunkadunk!
KA: Not false. So not false.
SW: They're staring at her booty! Oh, if only Seth were in there.
Styles: Little Good jumps up and...OH MY GOD!
[HUGE crowd pop!]
NH: Now that's a full moon right there.
SW: Oh baby! Full booty nudity! Woohoo!
Styles: Umm...Kay is finally able to pull herself up...and her outfit up.
SW: Oh baby. Ass equals buy rates! Woohoo!
Styles: Kay is in the second cage now, the EXTREME cage!
NH: Will she keep going up, or wait for some reinforcements?
SW: I think going up would expose her to more nudity, so I'm all for it!
Styles: She's grabbed a stop sign. Little Good is climbing up the ladder. Stop sign to the head and Little Good drops to the mat below! Oh my! But here comes Kurt Angel. He's ascending the ladder and...STOP SIGN!
SW: Kurt can't ascend anywhere. Not the second cage. Not Heaven. Not anything. He sucks!
Styles: And here comes Coma to make a try! But Kay stops him with, well, the stop sign!
NH: And here come the next two participants.
[Hallucination Boy and Death run down the aisle and Generic Ref opens the cage door.]
SW: Oh, come on! This is so unfair to the Skull & Bones Society!
[Hallucination Boy dives out of the way as Death's finger misses him by inches. Death calls for a microphone.]
Death: Damn you fat...out of shape...Havoc hermaphrodites!
Death: And YES, Rick Rude said I could borrow his shtick anytime I wanted. Then I killed him anyway. BWAHAHAHA!
Styles: Death is in the cage! Little Good charges at him but Death has a knee lift ready! And there's a knee lift for Kurt Angel! And there's a knee lift for Coma! And there is a sideslam on Little Good!
NH: Looks like Kay is looking to score the football. But that leaves an opening, and Kurt climbs right up into the extreme cage. He charged toward Kay, but she catches him! Kay's Bottom on the cage!
Styles: Death is choking Coma in the corner with his big bony foot. Little Good is trying to pull Death off.
Death: Don't worry, I'll get to you in a minute.
LG: Bollocks. (He digs out a box of cigarettes and lights one up.)
SW: That idiot Hallucination Boy is finally in the cage. Not that he'll be of much use anyway.
Styles: Hallucination Boy charges at Death! Koppu Achilles Tendon Hug!
SW: The innovator of retarded violence, everybody.
[Death with a crotch chop into an elbow to Coma's skull.]
SW: This offense seems very familiar, I just can't place it.
NH: Kay's got a...I think that's a cell phone. Oh, and she just smashed it over Angel's head.
SW: That was a wrong number for Kurt.
NH: What other plunder is in the extreme cage? Kay's got a mouse.
SW: Oh man, the animal cruelty people aren't gonna like this.
NH: Not a live mouse. A computer mouse. And she smashes that over Angel's head. Oh no! And there's the old Macintosh computer that goes with it!
Styles: OH MY GOD!
SW: Man, I'd love to see Kay's hard drive!
NH: Haven't you seen enough of Kay tonight?
NH: And here come the next two participants.
[Steve Leary and Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" run down the aisle and Generic Ref opens the cage door.]
NH: Kay's got a wagon wheel! But Kurt blocks it. Kick to the belly. He's got the wagon wheel and!
Styles: OH MY GOD! Kay is WEARING the wagon wheel! This is BRUTAL!
NH: Now Kurt's found an oar!
SW: Did we go shopping for these weapons in a junk yard or something?
NH: Yep. We're redefining 'garbage wrestling' on Boo! Monday.
Styles: Death and Sarah are going at it in the ring. They are unloading with some punches! She drops him! Figure four on Death! Oh my GOD! Will we hear his bones snap?
SW: Oh, poor Leary. The fresh man comes in, but he's getting the piss kicked out of him. Sadly, literally.
NH: Hahahaha! Oh, Leary is SOOO pathetic.
SW: Well, I'd like to see you keep getting kicked in the belly and not lose control of your bladder.
Styles: Death is locked in the figure-four, but that won't win the match here. Leary is getting stomped repeatedly. Now Kurt's got a new weapon. He's got a record player!
Styles: Oh my GOD! Kay is down and...hurt.
SW: Oh no! Kay's bleeding! And it isn't even that time of the month!
NH: And it's coming from her head?
SW: Oh, right.
Styles: I don't think I've ever seen Kay bleeding from the head. That's just how HARDCORE Footbrawl 2005 is fans!
NH: Death just grabbed Little Good by his trenchcoat. He throws Little Good on top of Sarah! Now that's a unique way to break a figure-four. And cause some awkward sexual tension to boot!
SW: Will those two just get a room and fuck the shit out of each other already?
Styles: Only on BOB-On-Demand, fans. I don't know what to say to that one.
NH: It looks like Kay's grabbed something. Kurt is trying to head outside to get to the top of the cage. Kay grabs him.
NH: Model ship to the skull! And Kurt collapses.
Styles: Ladder to the face! And Little Good is in some serious pain!
SW: And I think he swallowed his cigarette again.
Styles: The Exploding Holy Grail with a tag team chin rake on Leary!
SW: These moves are driving me insane, Styles! Make them stop! They're going to severely scar somebody one of these days!
NH: Kay has crawled out the door and now she's looking to get the golden football. And here come the final two participants.
[Seth Harker and John "Skeeter" Skeet run down the aisle and Generic Ref opens the cage door.]
NH: Kay's heading up. Angel grabs her.
Styles: ANGEL LOCK! ANGEL LOCK! ANGEL LOCK!
SW: C'mon, Seth! Save your witch!
NH: Death with a big boot, er, foot to Sarah! And now he grabs Little Good. Uh oh. Oh yes! Netherworld Powerbomb onto Sarah! Yeesh! That was sick!
Styles: And here comes Hurricane Seth. Spinning heel kick on Coma! Short arm clothesline on Hallucination Boy. He grabs Sarah. Snap suplex!
NH: But meanwhile, Kay is STILL screaming in pain in the Angel Lock.
SW: He has to fight his way through those evil babyfaces first. See, there he goes.
Styles: Seth just flew up the ladder and is going to rescue his girlfriend.
SW: And he's looking for something to smash into Angel's skull.
Styles: And fittingly enough, he has a human skull!
Styles: And that, needless to say, breaks the Angel Lock on Kay.
SW: Crappy Halloween.
NH: It looks like Kay is telling Seth to get the golden football.
SW: Seth could, go, all, the, way. He's got the football!
Styles: Now all he has to do is get done past everybody else to win the match.
NH: Seth helps up Kay and they're heading toward the trap door. Kurt from behind!
Styles: The ball just went through the trap door! Seth lost it!
[The ball lands in Sarah's hands. She looks up. Then down. Then straight ahead to see everybody charging at her.]
SW: Oh GOD I love this sport! Everybody just gang tackled Sarah into the ladder! This is like an EXTREME football league...oh wait...never mind.
NH: The ball just popped out.
SW: I hope you meant the football and not a testicle, because I really don't need to see any of these guys junk.
NH: Of course I meant the football. Skeeter grabs it! Coma with a twisted suicida connects! And now Coma scoops up the ball! But Death grabs Coma. Snake eyes in the corner.
Death: Hey Learn, GO LONG!
[Leary heads to the floor.]
Death: No, longer!
[Leary runs a few steps.]
Death: No, longer!
[Leary crashes into the cage.]
Styles: Hallucination Boy charges at Death. TOUCH OF DEATH! Hallucination Boy is DEAD! Little Good charges, and another TOUCH OF DEATH! Oh my GOD! The corpses are piling up in that very ring!
NH: Kay is climbing down. Seth and Kurt are brawling in the extreme cage.
Styles: TRIPLE KICK BY SARAH! Death is down. Sarah just needs to get to the door and she'll win this thing. Kay just grabbed her behind...FROM BEHIND I meant!
SW: Freudian slip much?
Styles: Kay's Bottom from the apron onto the FLOOR! OH MY GOD! I'm gonna be sick! I never thought I'd see Kay and Sarah as enemies, trying to destroy each other.
Crowd: B-O-O-B! B-O-0-B! B-O-O-B!
SW: Crap. Once a chant, always a chant. Thought I must agree. Boobs! Woohoo!
Styles: Kay is gonna win this one...NO! Kurt stops her! ANGEL SLAM ON THE FLOOR! Oh my GOD! And the bloody Kurt Angel grabs the golden football. OH MY GOD! Harker just shredded his face on the steel cage like it's a block of cheese!
[Enter Wachoski mode. We zoom in from the outside of the cage as drops of blood go flying in every direction in slow motion, until the camera is completely red. We return to normal.]
Crowd: THIS IS GROSS! *Clap, clap, clapclapclap* THIS IS GROSS! *Clap, clap, clapclapclap*
Styles: Angel just collapsed. Harker has the football. HARKER WINS! HARKER ESCAPES THE CAGE!
MV: Here is your winner, Seth Harker!
Styles: Fans, thanks again for your patience. But I think this main event was worth the price of admission alone.
SW: Yeah. Kay's ass saved this show. Woohoo!
Styles: For Nurse Heidi and Scotty Whatbody, this is Styles saying, good night everybody. And don't forget to order our next mega event, Grudge Match-A-Go-Go! First Sunday night of December!
© 2005 BOB Wrestling. At least the power stayed on this time!