Let's Enjoy Some Retarded Hijinx!
[Wow, I'm even on Classix duty now? Oh. Hi! Welcome to Classix 12. We are coming to you with some more classic matches from BOB's archives. I believe this event took place back in early 1999 in a jam-packed barn in Hope, Arkansas. Oh, wait, nope, there are only two people there. Farmer Jed and his wife, Broom Hilda. Do livestock count? I dunno. Well, if you include cows and chickens, it's pretty packed, I guess. Anyway, here are your commentators for this morning, Trey Vincent and Misty Waters. Take it away!]
TV: Thanks Detached Narrator. I am Trey Vincent, along with the totally edible Misty Waters.
MW: Everyone loved the last show so much that we had to do it one more time.
TV: Who couldn't love you, Misty? Fags would turn straight to do you. Women would turn lesbo do get you into bed. You are so damn sexy, I can't imagine anybody on this planet not wanting to bang you.
MW: You don't have such a way with words, Trey.
TV: You know you want me. All women break down eventually.
MW: You are always an optimist, Trey. What is that smell?
TV: Oh? That? Uh, I think it's tequila. Had a late night with Steve and Seth last night. Wait? What do I smell on you?
MW: That? Oh. That's Jack Daniels.
TV: See? You're a party girl. I'm a party guy. We need to hook up and have some hot sex that lasts all night, or until we pass out from alcohol intake.
MA: The following is a hardcore contest. The first man to lose a limb loses the match.
TV: OH MY GOD! That's EXTREME!
MW: Thanks, Styles.
MA: Introducing first, the man who calls himself the Grandfather of Gouda, the Pappy of Parmesan, the Stepdad of Swiss, the Champion of Cheddar, the Abuelo of American...Ladies and Gentlemen...Grandpa Muenster!
TV: Aww, look at this, he's giving out slices of American cheese to the fans.
MW: The livestock, you mean?
TV: Exactly. It's like when Bret Hart used to give his sunglasses to some brat in the front row. Except, this is cheesier.
TV: He's not gonna blow it now for all the cows. Did I mention this is udderly fascinating so far?
MW: Ugh. Cow puns. Just what we need to make this morning complete. Hey, I thought you fired Masked Announcer?
TV: Yeah, well, we pre-taped this show before that. This should be his last show. I think...
Farmer Jed: How're ya just gonna give a cow sum cheese, huh? Do you eat yer own sheeit? I didn't think so. Take yer handouts and go back where ya came from.
MW: I don't know what to say to that, Trey. Though I'm sure you do.
TV: It's not like eating your own shit. It's like eating your own urine or semen. After it's been mass produced.
MW: Thanks. That's just a wonderful thought. To picture a bunch of cows going food shopping in aisles filled with Love Juice and Piss. Great. Thanks, Trey.
TV: That's like a Far Side cartoon. Speaking of which, I had a great idea for a Far Side cartoon. The scene is at a car wreck. An officer is talking to a deer. And the caption is, "Trust me, officer, that man didn't have his blinker on." Wait...maybe it's not that funny now that I say it out loud.
MA: And his opponent, being escorted by Event Security, here is Billy Ray Leprous.
TV: What is that song?
MW: It says here "Achy Breaky Limbs." The farmer and his wife are throwing prosthetic limbs at Billy Ray. And he gestures to them that he's thinking about ripping an arm off and throwing it at them.
TV: Heh, the referee's name is Spanky McGillicutty.
TV: Ah, good, my Hot Pockets are done cooking.
MW: That was the ring bell.
TV: Oh. I should eat some Hot Pockets. They help with hangovers.
MW: Both guys are staring at each other. They lock up, and Grandpa Muenster gains an early advantage. He backs Leprous back into the corner. Blistering Cheese Chops across the chest of Billy Ray, as he rocks backwards.
TV: We should sign this guy to feud with those Handis. They like cheese.
MW: Muenster grabs him for an Irish whip to the other buckle, but Leprous' arm comes off!
TV: Wow, great booking! Keep the crappy matches short and crappy. Billy Ray has lost.
MW: Billy Ray has his arm back and he's beating on Grampa. He's down and hurt, curled up in the fetal position, just like Trey after he's puked up after a night of drinking.
TV: Who told you that? I mean..huh?
MW: Leprous' arm has snapped in half and he's beating Muenster nunchuck style. The ref tries to stop the ass whooping, but now the ref goes down from the armchucks.
TV: Who's this guy with the bag of Doritos?
MW: It says here that's Mark "The Skoot" Grinsell. Mark throws the Doritos into the ring. And Leprous is beating the Doritos now.
TV: And meanwhile, in Africa, people without food mourn the senseless death of food. Now who's this?
MW: That is...Ratgirl. She rushes the ring, trying to make a save. The tosses Leprous over the top rope. And now she helps the injured Grandpa Muenster under the bottom rope.
GM: (Mumbling) Cheesy Doritos.
TV: Well, I've seen stumps, I've seen soda bottles, I've seen title belts, I've seen washing machines and I've seen love dolls compete in sports entertainment before. But now...we have Doritos. Very nice. And affordable for the roster.
MW: Oh no! Not another inanimate object on the roster.
TV: Oh yes, Misty. It might happen.
MW: Wait, something's happening in the rafters?
TV: Is it Kamikazie Ken? Is it Sting? Is it Owen Hart?
MW: Not funny, Trey.
TV: What? He was still alive when this was shot.
MW: He's not when you just SAID that!
TV: Whatever. He's dead. Get a sense of humor about it already. Vince McMahon killed him. Just like he tried to kill Mick Foley. I heard Jim Ross say so on the air. There's a conspiracy in the WWE to kill its wrestlers.
MW: No, it's none of those people. It's Dead Man Not Walking with a noose around his neck! Dead Man Not Walking drops down into the center of the ring!
TV: R-I-P! R-I-P! Oh wait...E-C-W! E-C-W!
MW: Man With Wheelbarrow comes down to the ring and loads up Dead Man Not Walking and the Doritos. He takes them to the dressing room.
TV: What a wacky start to this edition of Classix, Misty.
MW: Hey, something's happening on the screen. It's The Ratgirl, Diane Kronson.
DK: Bagg of Doreetoes. Yoo may have eescaped this time, with the helpp of yore dedd frend. Later, yoo will not bee so lucky. I will bee in the same pool with yoo tonite. And yoo will be mine.
TV: Have we got a swimming death match tonight or something?
MW: I don't know. I skipped rehearsal.
TV: You are so cool.
MW: It's now time for a Demolition Derby Steamroller Match. I think.
["Proud Mary" begins playing.]
MA: Introducing first, Guy In Wheelchair!
TV: And the cows are going wild. They're mooing up a storm for him.
MW: And here comes Farmer Jed with a bucket of food.
TV: Ah, that's why they were going crazy.
["One" by Metallica plays.]
MA: And his opponent, being accompanied by Dennis Rodman, this is Deaf, Blind, Paralyzed, Mouth Sewn Shut, Paraplegic Man! Let's get it on.
TV: CRIPPLE FIGHT!
MW: That's what it's shaping up to be. Rodman is wheeling down Paraplegic Man.
TV: And sadly, for him, this ISN'T the worst turn his career ever took.
MW: In this match, the first man to knock his opponent out of his chair and run him over will win the match.
TV: Aww, so no steamrollers? What a jip.
MW: Guy goes speeding at Stumpy and knocks him back into the ropes. Stumps comes back fast as hell and hits Guy. He is reeling. He's OK now, and he's pissed. He speeds at Big Poppa Stump again, but Rodman pushes stumps out of the way, and the Guy hits the turnbuckle.
TV: Big Poppa Stump! BWAHAHAHA. That's good.
MW: Guy is in a bad way, right now.
TV: It's a good thing he's only fighting a paraplegic.
MW: Rodman tries to slap him, but he can't. Guy is backing up, now. He spins and then kicks stumpy in the chin. Stumpy shoots backwards. He hits the ropes, comes back, and is clotheslined by Guy! He goes flying out of the chair! Oh no, here it comes. Guy is getting a big start, he's moving fast. Rodman pulls stumper out of the way of the charging freak.
TV: This is amazing stuff right here, Misty. This is sports entertainment at its best.
MW: Guy hits the buckle hard. His chair is falling backwards. It's falling...falling....Rodman grabs stumps and puts him in his chair once again. He's pulling the ropes back with the wheelchair like a huge slingshot. Guy is down! He is out. Rodman lets go, and Stumps runs over Guy.
MW This one is over. But Rodman got such a push on Stumps that he shot across the ring, ran over Guy, then bounced off, ran over him backwards, and now he's coming back forwards again! He's ejected from the chair...IT'S THE FALL OUT OF THE WHEELCHAIR SPLASH! He connects!
TV: Further crippling a cripple. So sad. But so funny!
MW: And Rodman is slapping Paraplegic Man all the way back to the dressing room.
TV: I still can't believe he banged Carmen Electra and I haven't. Yet.
MW: Well, it seems we're going to head to Bill Clinton's house in Hope, Arkansas to check out his pool?
TV: Slick Willy! He's borrowed a few cigars from the iAd.
Guy In A Dress: Well, it looks like a pool. I don't understand why you made me wear a dress to do field reporting, but whatever. Well, the pH is fine in the pool. Everything is good to go. Let's get this match underway, man.
MW: Alright. A bunch of people are in the pool. Event Security has tossed Dead Man Not Walking into the pool with water wings on.
TV: Look at Ratgirl. Is she smuggling midgets in her suit?
MW: Nice, Trey. Referee Jimmy "Diss" Lexia is announcing the special guest "it" for this freeze tag match.
TV: Ah, freeze tag. I used to take such advantage of girls in freeze tag.
MW: Why am I not shocked. It's Smack Daddy, a little 2-year-old girl.
TV: Aww, BOB wasn't the first to have a baby sports entertain? Damn it. I gotta go find a pregnant mother and have her sign a contract to let her baby start sports entertaining at birth. The baby can fight XXXtreme Machine. I know it wouldn't be a fair fight for XXXtreme Machine, but they never are.
MW: She tags Dwarf and Pillowman. Fire Hydrant Boy swims under Pillowman's legs, and he's free again. Fly Girl got tagged. Smack Daddy works fast.
TV: This is bizarre. How are you keeping track of this stuff?
MW: I just read what the script says, Trey. I don't ask questions. Especially not with this hangover. Smack has tagged the Koosa and Dead Man Not Walking. The arena crowd is booing.
TV: No, they're not. They're mooing.
MW: Pillowman is just out of his element here. He is about ten feet tall and half a ton after all of the water he has soaked up here. He's just not going to be able to last long tonight. Tourette's Boy gets tagged. Let's go down there for his response...
TB: FUCK SHIT FUCK GOD DAMN BITCH SHIT.
MW: Pedro Astacio has freed Dead Man Not Walking.
TV: Dead Man Not Swimming for this match, anyway.
MW: The crowd boos...er...moos again. Diane Kronson is up against the wall over there. Joe Bob Bob Joe is tagged. He isn't happy. He starts splashing Smack Daddy. Oh, he dunked her!
TV: BWAHAHAHA! Now THAT'S ballsy right there, dunking a 2-year-old girl. BWAHAHAHA.
MW: You would find that funny. Security is removing Joe Bob Bob Joe from the pool.
JBBJ: What is that, hyuh? The water's all orange over there?
MW: The orange seems to be coming from Diane Kronson, the Ratgirl.
TV: She ragging?
MW: No. The bag of Doritos is opened. The orange in the water is cheese. Not blood, Trey. And blood is red.
TV: Doesn't red and blue make orange?
MW: Blue what?
MW: Water is clear.
TV: It is?
MW: Uh, yeah.
TV: Oh. I always thought it was blue.
MW: That's because of the sky.
TV: Is that clear too?
MW: No, the sky is blue.
TV: But water is blue.
MW: No, water is clear!
TV: Whatever. I didn't come here for a geology lesson.
TV: Whatever! She could've been on the rag!
Grandpa Muenster: Got cheese?
MW: Smack Daddy has tagged DMNW again, and he's frozen. All that is remaining is Pedro, FHB, and Pillowman.
TV: Who is FHB?
MW: I don't know. I can't figure that out.
TV: Pillowman must weight about a ton now. He's soaked up so much water from the pool that the two-year-old can stand on the bottom.
MW: FHB is tagged, leaving only Pedro and Pillowman. Pillowman makes a break to unfreeze FHB. He's trying to swim under his legs, but he's just too big. He can't make it. Smack Daddy tags Pillowman! It's all over! Your winner is Little Pedro Astacio.
[Pedro jams a cigarette up his nose and breathes deeply. His eyes bug out of his head. We fade out on a celebration involving Pedro Astacio, Jed, and a cow. Jed is pushing Pedro head first under the cow, and spraying udder milk on his head like a champagne bottle at the Super Bowl.]
TV: Wow! Quick show. We can go home early?
MW: Nope, sorry Trey. That's only the halfway point. We got more retarded stuff yet to see.
MW: But on the good side of things, for the rest of the way, Tourette's Boy will be the special guest ring announcer.
TB: Ladies and FUCK gentlemen. This BITCH ASS Match is scheduled for WHORE FUCK one tap out. FUCK coming to the ring at SHIT this time FUCK!! OWWWWWW!!!
["Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen plays over the sound system as CarpetBurn comes out of the back with a sledgehammer.]
MW: Uh oh. This was supposed to be a squeaky sledgehammer tap-out match.
TV: CarpetBurn, the rascal, he's bringing out a real sledgehammer to fracture his opponent's skull.
TB: Carpet BUUUUURRRRRRNNNNNNNN FFFFFFUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!
TV: Spanky the referee is scolding CarpetBurn for being naughty and bringing a real weapon into the ring. The ref takes the sledge away and gives him the squeaky plastic hammer. He hits himself in the head with it. Yeah, he's sane.
TB: Now ass coming to the SLUT ring, led by the WHORE beautiful Snow shit White. TTTHHEEEEEEEE AAAAAAASSSSSSHHHHHHOOOOOOLLLLLLEEEEEE DDDDWWWWWAAAAARRRRRRFFFFFFFF!!!
TV: The Asshole Dwarf?
MW: No, it's just The Dwarf.
TV: Excellent. So I can create the Asshole Dwarf in BOB.
[Dwarf low fives the fans on the way to the ring. Snow White puts him up on the apron of the ring, and he ducks and walks under the bottom rope.]
MW: Dwarf gets his squeaky hammer, and we're ready to go.
TV: But Tourette's Boy is still in the ring.
TB: I am FUCK still here, because I SHIT am announcing my BONER retirement from the SHIT sport of wrestling as a BITCH wrestler. I am going to FUCK SHIT WHORE use all my attention to FUCK pursue my dream of SHIT COCK HOOKER becoming a ring announcer. Thank FUCK you.
TV: This guy is good.
MW: You would think so. Spanky has rung the bell, and this match is off and running. Both men are swinging the hammers violently at each other, but neither has connected. There's a shot that rocks Dwarf, but he's right back in there swinging again. He hits CarpetBurn twice and he's holding his head.
MW: He connects again!!
MW: CarpetBurn is down on the mat. The ref gets in his face.
Ref: You gonna give it up, Burn?
CB: Hell no. Get off me.
TV: I haven't heard this much squeaking since I was fucking Nurse Heidi the other night.
MW: Jesus, Trey, calm down.
TV: Huh? What'd I say?
MW: Dwarf continues to beat on CarpetBurn. CarpetBurn gets to his feet. He swings and connects! He jabs Dwarf in the ribs with the butt end of the hammer. Dwarf bends over, and he gets clocked in the back of the head by the squeaking mallet. Dwarf is down, and he's getting destroyed by this large man with the hammer.
TV: Run-in alert. Who's this scrub?
MW: It's Demented Fan, or the artist formerly known as Pillowman! Dwarf is raising his arm...he's going to tap out! But Demented Fan grabbed his arm before he could...
Demented Fan: Have you seen Dead Man Not Walking? We're best friends, you know. He's always calling me and stuff. I don't understand. He always wants to hang out and he doesn't understand I'm a busy man and I got things to do and stuff and I don't need to hang out with him all the time cuz I'm a grown up man and he's a great, great man but I need some time to myself so have you seen him cuz I gotta talk to him cuz he didn't return my phone calls.
Dwarf, CB, and Ref: NNNOOOOOO!!!!
DF: Ok bye.
TV: I see a new FOX special. "When Comedy Goes Bad." Starring Demented Fan. That was like shrimping in a fat girls ass.
TV: Yeah. You know...when you cum and then suck it out with a straw.
MW: Ahhhh! That's disgusting!
Tourette's boy: FUCK
MW: Couldn't have said it any better myself, Tourette's Boy.
TV: I never did it. I'm just saying, it'd be as disgusting as that.
MW: Alright. Let's move on.
TV: Shrimpin' ain't easy.
MW: Both guys are back up and swinging again. Dwarf is busted open on the forehead. He tastes the blood as it drips down into his mouth and he becomes enraged. He takes a run at CarpetBurn, but CarpetBurn moves and Dwarf hits the turnbuckle. Now CB's hanging him up in the tree of woe in the corner.
TV: Busted open with a plastic hammer? And I thought being busted open by a glove was the dumbest thing I ever saw.
MW: Carpet Burn charges and connects with a hammer shot in the stomach of Dwarf. What a beating he has taken.
TV: You forgot the word ego. What a beating his EGO has taken in this shit match.
Ref: You wanna tap, Dwarf?
D: Yeah, I wanna, but I'm not gonna.
TV: I'll tap out if it'll end this match.
MW: CarpetBurn is trying to hit that same charging hammer shot again. He connects!
Ref: Come on, just tap out man. Get this over with.
D: Fuck that. One more time let him hit me. Then I'll tap.
TV: That little dwarf has some big balls.
MW: CarpetBurn's backing up again. He's getting ready...Snow White is up on the apron...she's opening the front of her dress?
TV: Mirror, mirror on the wall, whose titties are the finest of all! Think she could be in a softcore porn with those jugs?
MW: Maybe. Though you gotta add about six years to them.
TV: Ah, true. She's probably all droopy by now. But here...not too bad. Definitely bigger than yours.
MW: Well, I'm sure the Dwarf has a bigger dick than you.
TV: Aww, somebody have titty envy?
MW: CarpetBurn is staring at the breasts. He shakes his head, trying to break the spell the nipples have on him and charges at the Dwarf, who unhooks his foot and rolls out of the way. CarpetBurn goes hard to the buckle. He's rocked, and Dwarf whacks him on the head.
TV: Speaking of CarpetBurn, what's that on your arm there, Misty? You get some last night? Huh? Huh?
MW: The mallet has broken! Dwarf broke his mallet. He takes CarpetBurn's hammer and he's beating him with his own hammer! He goes down and is under attack.
TV: It's shock and awe with a plastic hammer!
Ref: You want to tap, Burn? Come on man tap.
CB: No way. AAaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!
TV: You can't ignore me forever, Misty.
MW: I'm not ignoring you. I'm trying to call the match. Dwarf lays the hammers down in the ring. He whips CarpetBurn into the ropes...Dwarf Drop! He's laid out and Dwarf is picking him up.
TV: CarpetBurn got laid by a Dwarf! BWAHAHAHA!
MW: Another Dwarf Drop! He's got him up again, whips him in, goes for it, but CarpetBurn ducks behind and he's going for THE EARYANKY!
TV: I've always preferred the Nipple Twister as a hurty move.
MW: It's reversed into the DWARF DROP again! CarpetBurn taps out!
TB: Here is your BITCH winner FUCK, The SHIT Dwarf!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TV: As those scrubs struggle to get backstage, it looks like the Event Staff is trying to get Snow White's phone number and check out her knockers. So what's up next, my softcore porn queen?
MW: It looks like we've got a three-way dance between Dead Man Not Walking, Demented Fan and Deep Throat. Two men will be legal, and the only way for the third person to come inside the ring is with a tag. And if the third person comes in illegally, that man will lose the match. First pin wins.
TV: That's pretty confusing. Then who wins if the one guy comes in?
MW: I...don't know.
TV: Well, this one won't end like that, since the bookers obviously never thought of that outcome.
MW: We'll see. Don't give them too much credit here, Trey.
TV: Fair enough. Bring it on, Tourette's Boy!
TB: Our second SON OF A BITCH match is a three way FUCK match, where the BITCH participant that scores FUCK FUCK FUCK the first fall wins the WHORE match. First, coming CUMMING to the FUCK ring the man known as SLUT SLUT SLUT Demented Fan *Twitch*.
TV: Demented Fan has the stick!
DF: I want everybody to listen to me. Dead Man Not Walking is a great man. He is a championship caliber wrestler, I will not rest until he moves up into the ranks of the regular wrestlers.
TB: BASTARD now here comes MOTHER FUCKER *Twitch* the newcomer, to the tune of "Cameltosis" by Korn Shit, *Convulsion* DEEP THROAT !!!
[She climbs into the ring and just stares at Demented Fan's crotch.]
TB: Now, the FUCK third man in MY ASS, coming to the BEEOTCH ring, led by Man With BIG DICK Wheelbarrow, *Twitch* Dead Man Not FUCK Walking!!!!!
MW: Man With Wheelbarrow dumps Dead Man up onto the apron of the ring and takes off. He's giving the DORITO sign to the crowd.
MW: They're going absolutely crazy. The referee for this contest is Jimmy Lexia. He's calling for the bell.
MW: Deep Throat and Demented Fan to start this one off. Wait! Tourette's Boy tried to leave, but Deep Throat has him! She's trying to fondle him.
TB: SHIT FUCK *Twitch*
MW: Deep Throat drops Tourette's Boy, and Demented Fan with a roll-up from behind.
TV: Yank her tights down like she's Flair!
MW: One. Two. Kick out. Deep Throat is up quick and tries for a running clothesline. Duck by Demented Fan. Kick to the gut. Stunner! Demented Fan looks into the crowd. Now he's looking at the camera.
DF: That was for you, Steve, buddy. Wherever you are, return my calls please.
TV: Yeah, right. I flip off everybody when I sports entertain and that doesn't make him call me.
MW: Stop flipping me off, Trey. The camera isn't even on you now. Demented Fan hits the leg drop. One. Two. Nope.
TV: Uh oh, now he's set up like Daniel-san. And he misses. Mr. Miyagi will be so pissed off.
MW: It looks like he pulled a hamstring on that miss.
DF: (In immense pain) I Love Ralph Macchio!!!!!!
TV: You fag.
MW: Trey, fag jokes are so out.
TV: Fag jokes are never out. Just like fags who are in closets.
MW: Deep Throat goes on the attack.
TV: Speaking of Deep Throat, that reminds me Misty, wanna?
MW: Not for a million dollars, buddy. She lifts him up for a gorilla press slam. And here's the figure-four leg lock!
TV: Man, are they gonna use ANY original moves in this match. It's all stunners, leg drops and figure-fours.
MW: Demented Fan is screaming in pain. He's reaching for the ropes, but I don't think he's gonna make it.
TV: I hope not. This match sucks. Break his leg, bitch. Then this show will almost be over sooner.
MW: He's not going for the ropes. He's trying to tag in Dead Man Not Walking.
TV: Ohhhh. Well, that'll solve all his problems.
MW: Deep Throat is arguing with the ref for some reason. As Fan leaves the ring, he backdrops Dead Man into the ring as Deep Throat is turning around. Sunset flip?
TV: The fuck?
MW: One. Two. Easy kick out by Deep Throat.
TV: She looks like she's gonna kill that corpse.
MW: Deep Throat goes right on the attack and hits a powerbomb.
TV: Straight to hell, if Dead Man's soul wasn't there already.
MW: Now Deep Throat locks him in the Boston crab.
TV: Dead men have a lot of tolerance for pain. I think this is awful strategy.
MW: Fan reaches in and slaps Deep Throat to knock her off.
TV: Did you say knock her up?
MW: No. Deep Throat now slapping Demented Fan. The ref just ruled that last slap was a tag! He's making Fan get in the ring.
TV: Fan picks up Dead Man Not Walking for a suplex. No! Dead Man reverses into a DDT! Cover! ONE! TWO! THREE! You think Dead Man is too decomposed by now to work for BOB?
MW: Most likely.
TV: Damn. Wanna go kill somebody after the show with me and make a new dead legend?
MW: Uh, no. That's kind of illegal in 50 states.
TV: Even California?
MW: 'Fraid so.
TV: Damn this country and their laws!
MW: Wait. Something is happening in the ring. Fan is up. He hugs Dead Man Not Walking in celebration. He scoops up the corpse over his shoulder and takes off. What have we just seen?
TV: It's still not as bad as that Nash/Hogan title change back in WCW. But that was a definite lay down.
MW: Oh! Man With Wheelbarrow just smashed Deep Throat in the knee as she was giving chase! She is down and hurting. Well, Trey, I have good news for you.
TV: We're going back to my hotel room after this?
MW: Not quite that good.
TV: Damn, girl. Drop that robot and get with a sports entertainer.
MW: I'm not with the robot. I'm perfectly content with my fingers and my vibrators at the moment, thanks.
TV: Alright. Your loss. So what's the good news?
MW: It's time for the last match.
MW: Let's go to Tourette's Boy.
TV: And I heard the winner of this match gets a $50 gift certificate from Wal-Mart.
MW: That's better than BOB can usually offer.
TB: For the SHIT 38 in attendance tonight ASS, and the tens watching at BASTARD home on TV, ladies and COCK gentlemen...Let's get ready to FUCK rumbllllleeeeee!!! *Twitch* Coming to the ring, the princess of incest, BITCH The Chief of Roast Beef, MONKEY DICK The Salami Mommy, *Falls Down* Ratgirl, Diane Kronson!!!
[She gets up into the ring. She flips off the crowd.]
TV: Argh. Now she's stealing from me!
TB: Her FUCK opponent, coming to the WHORE WHORE ring with this SHIT man with a whole bunch of donuts SLUT SLUT SLUT, Harlowe T. Quimby!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Twitch*
Ref: I wanna see a clean match, you guys.
DK: Cum on, refff, yoo wanna git with thiss? I amm fly as cann bee.
[The referee runs to the ropes and leans over the middle rope.]
TV: And the ref is about to hurl into a bucket. Nice. But like a pro, he gets back in, wipes his dinner off his lip and calls for the bell.
MW: Kronson tosses Harlowe back into the corner. Splash. One. Two. And a kick out. Here comes Kronson with a flying
MW: Forearm. And she follows up with a BIG leg drop.
TV: And Harlowe thought dinosaurs were extinct.
MW: But only a one count. Harlowe's back up. Kronson runs to the ropes.
TV: Heh, the ring just shifted about five feet from the weight.
MW: And Harlowe fell down as a result of the ring moving. Splash attempt! Misses. Both are back up. Harlowe charges, but she sidesteps him and he goes flying into the first row.
TV: Soly hhit.
TV: Sorry, some dyslexic must've typed this bit up.
MW: She follows him out, but now there is some guy with doughnuts. He's throwing the doughnuts at her, and she's catching it like popcorn. But uh oh, he's out now. He runs to the back as Kronson wipes the powder from her face.
TV: Her many chins.
MW: Here comes Harlowe from behind. He hits Family Values on the cement floor. That's his finisher. All he's gotta do is get her back in the ring and this one should be all over.
TV: I hope he has a forklift. Or a crane.
MW: He's waving to the back for help. Here comes Man With Wheelbarrow and Dead Man Not Walking!
TV: Great, more dead weight. What the hell? They're using Dead Man's stiff corpse as a lever! This is insane! This is so perfect for Classix 12, ain't it?
MW: I guess. You would like this stuff. They've got her up. They roll her off Dead Man and into the ring. Cover by Harlowe. One. Two!
TV: She kicked out? Awww. End, damn you, end! She's has to have blown up by now. She can't have endurance for this length of a match.
MW: They're both up, but Kronson is wobbly. She whips Harlowe into the corner. She follows in with a huge splash.
TV: A tsunami like splash.
MW: But Harlowe moved. Family Values! No! She reverses into a Cookie Cutter! Cover! One! Two!
TV: Run in alert. By, Running Man. He's polishing one of the top turnbuckles? And now he's leaving.
MW: That was totally random. Alright. Kronson picks up Harlowe. Powerbomb. And she follows it up with a knee drop to the head.
TV: No way. The ropes can't support her.
MW: She's heading up top! Alert the Richter scale people. It's the Kabash!
TV: That's gotta be it. One. Two. Three. Yep. Fatgirl wins.
MW: Harlowe probably has internal bleeding after that one.
TV: Hahaha. She's flipping off the crowd, and her middle finger looks like a KFC drumstick.
MW: Hold on. Something's happening up in the rafters. Could it be Dead Man Not Walking?
[Something falls from the ceiling of the arena. It appears to be a Dorito. Diane Kronson holds it high and eats it.]
TV: What's that noise?
MW: I don't know. It sounds like...
TV: More Doritos are falling. Man, it's like Niagara Falls, if the Falls were cheesy and pointy. Doritos are raining down on Fatgirl.
TV: This has gotta be her dream come true, Misty. It's rainin' Doritos. Hallelujah.
MW: I don't know. Those edges could poke her in the eye. She could get some of that Doritos crud in her eye.
TV: And now fans are throwing Doritos in the ring. She is being buried alive...in snack food.
MW: Well, I guess we should get out of here. I've suddenly got the munchies.
TV: Later, losers. Until the next Classix, we are off like Misty's clothes will be in a few minutes.
MW: Dream on, Trey.
[Scene ends with the mountain of Doritos on top of the unseen body of Diane Kronson. The fans are going bonkers inside the arena. Fade to black.]
© 2005 BOB Wrestling. Mmmmm....Doritos....