It's Contractually Mandated-tastic!
[We fade in on a basement office in BOB's new Megacorp Headquarters in beautiful Sin City, United States. And that's Mike Monroe! The BOB original is standing in front of a dry erase board, on which the words "PUT TOGETHER A SHOW, LAZY UNDERLING!!" are scrawled.]
MM: Good morning everybody! Welcome to a brand new edition of CLASSIX here on Comedy Central! The only channel that knows comedy. And of course, BOB is the company that knows sports entertainment, or a reasonable facsimile of it. We've been, uh, buried by e-mails and forwarded mail, wondering when BOB would be back. Well, it turns out that BigBOSS forgot to pay his rent at the last office, since, forever, so they kicked everyone out. That, combined with the various injuries to our writing staff, well, spelled doom for BOB. But sadly, not enough doom, because we've managed to get new offices here in beautiful Sin City. And stay tuned because we're going to have lots of information on the NEW season of BOB in 2007!
MM: But before I go much further, I'd like to introduce my special guest for this morning. Pete "XFactor" Trable!
[Trable drags himself onscreen in gangsta-thug style.]
PT: What up fool?
MM: The name's Mike Monroe.
PT: Yo, I know that your name is Monroe.
And big ups for invitin' me on this show.
Yo, everyone watchin' should go see my new flick.
It's starrin' me and some blonde chick.
It's so hot it went straight to YouTube.
Did I mention the bitch has huge boobs?
The name of the flick is Dog Tags.
And it ain't fo' chicks or fags.
It'll be the best movie you ever seen!
Hell, it can't be worse than 'The Marine'!
MM: Thanks, Pete! What did he just say? Anyway, let's take you back to 1997 and some Classix Stereo Type Wrestling Federation action!
(Interior. Two guys are holding sparklers and shooting flare guns in the air. Pan to announcers.)
Angus McMadden: Welcome everyone to Monday Nae Trous! I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, and with me as always is Rogue's Gallery correspondent Jamal Tupac Mustafa and Captain Twilight, the actively retired octogenarian wrestler, and WE'RE NOT WEARING PANTS! (whispers to offscreen) Must I say that every week? (cattle prod appears from offscreen) Alrrright! Alrright! You don't have to be that way! Well anyway, we have a great show for you, and Jamal, I understand you're wrestling today.
Jamal Tupac Mustafa: Thazz right, V. I'm da hardest head in da bidness, an' I be kickin' it in da house tooo-night, with my good pal Sweeeeet Candy Andy!
AM: Yes, they'll be taking on the Circus Freaks this week. Apparently, last week, we thought Dizzy Desi has a broken rib, but that wasn't the case - his back cracked like his knuckles.
Captain Twilight: And you expect us to swallow that story, do you?
AM: Yes, you have no choice, I'm afraid. This is pro wrestling and as a result everyone has to believe our stories to prrreserrrve continuity.
CT: Alright, but please, we know you're Scottish but quit it with those rolling "r"s. But our first match is up now: You'll see Bohemoth as he takes on Cross-Eyed Chris Armstrong. It should be interesting as both men have visual impairments.
Ring Announcer: Making his way towards the ring, from Charleston, WV, weighing in at 490 lbs., BOHEMOTH!
(Grieg's "In the Hall of the Mountain King" plays. Bohemoth slowly comes out wearing his soiled coveralls and miner's helmet. He is still using the blind man's cane. Decent pop.)
Ring Announcer: And his opponent, from Chicago, Illinois, weighing in at 266 lbs., Cross-Eyed CHRIS ARMSTRONG!
(Rogue's Gallery theme song - a variation of the nWo theme. Sad but true. Chris wavers back and forth to the ring. He wears a Rogue's Gallery T-shirt (his profile in an ornate frame) with brown trunks and aviation goggles. A few boos from the audience.)
JTM: They're BOOIN' my homey? Man, the Rogue hates it when they boo his gimmicks...
CT: Is that a hint?
AM: I'd like to note a correction. Bohemoth is the second-tallest in the EBW at 6'11", not the Stick at 6'10", as we said last week. Okay, here we go. Bohemoth starts off with a big belly-to-belly suplex. Armstrong already looks winded! Bohemoth goes for a splash, and lands it nicely. He picks Armstrong up, bounces against the ropes, and a clothesline sends Chris flying. I don't think Chris knows what hit him! Chris is up, shakes his head a bit, and starts punching - nothing lands, they're all off to Bohemoth's left or right. They don't call him Cross-Eyed for nothing!
JTM: I don't quite like the tone of yo' voice, V. Armstrong is a good competitor and he'll destroy Bohemoth even if I have to get in the ring and interf...but I've said too much already.
AM: Bohemoth with a sidewalk slam. The cover: 1...2...and shoulder just barely up by Chris Armstrong. Bohemoth picks Chris up and ARMSTRONG WITH THE SMALL PACKAGE!
CT: No way in hell is THAT package small. That's an extra large. The quick count: 1.2.Bohemoth kicks out and boy, is he mad! Armstrong wisely slips out of the ring, leaving Bohemoth very confused indeed. What's this? Armstrong sneaking up behind Bohemoth, and neckbreaker from behind! Dirty pool, but clever, taking advantage of Bohemoth's half-blindness. The cover: 1...2...and Bohemoth kicks out again.
JTM: See? I toldja he was a good competitor. Now Chris tries to go for a suplex, but can't lift him. Tries again...no. Bohemoth now, picks him up and NO! A snap suplex by Bohemoth. 'Sup widdis?
CT: Jamal, you'll have to learn proper English if you want to keep this job, I don't care if you networked with the rogue STWF executive. Bohemoth now whips Armstrong into the turnbuckle and AVALANCHE! Chris is down, and I doubt he's getting up.
JTM: I'll see about dat. (Takes off his headphones.)
CT: Where are you going? In my day, announcers never left the booth - we were chained there! Jamal comes in to stop Bohemoth from covering. Bohemoth is fuming! He picks up the cross-eyed one as a human shield and charges Mustafa! Heads collide and Jamal is out of the ring as quickly as he came in. Bohemoth now with a belly-to-back and a legdrop with that chunky drumstick of his! The cover: 1...2...3!
Ring Announcer: Here is your winner...BOHEMOTH! (crowd pop)
JTM: This ain't over. Not by a longshot! COME ON IN, BOYS!
(The Rogue and Sweet Candy Andy come to the ring. The Rogue has a Gallery T-shirt, black pants and slicked back hair. Sweet Candy Andy has a pimp daddy hat, wraparound shades, a fur-trimmed cape, and a silver duck's-head cane, the only thing that looks out of place is the Gallery T-shirt.)
AM: Sweet Candy Andy slamming that duck head into Bohemoth's midsection over and over! Armstrong is back up and delivering some hard punches - at least, those that land are hard. Jamal now in, and takes Bohemoth's own cane and hitting him in the head!
(extended crowd shot for long enough to have someone blade)
AM: Bohemoth is bleeding! I'm so glad that we're allowed to show this on TV without getting in trouble, aren't you, Captain Twilight?
CT: I long for the days when TV was bland and inoffensive. We didn't need blood to get ratings - just me!
AM: But HERE COME THE CIRCUS FREAKS! The Rogue's Gallery runs off and rightfully so. The Freaks help Bohemoth back to the ring but where is ThatGuy? Oh well, we'll be right back after these paid announcements!
This program was brought to you by Geek Depot Techie Supplies. If you know what http:// stands for, you oughta be here! Geek Depot, proud sponsors of the STWF.
(zoom on the man known as "Doctor Death" - not Steve Williams though. Doctor Death speaks.)
81 inches. 304 pounds of Raw Canadian Power. 8 different belts. At the same time for 45 days. Equals? One BAD MOTHER.
DISTRUCT. Coming soon to the STWF/CSTLL.
AM: Rather interesting flash there from Distruct. Boy, I can't wait to see him in action next week on Monday Nae Trous!
CT: So, in essence, you lied last week saying he'd be here?
AM: Let's get to our next match! Michael Wackson is back, and this week he takes on OddJobber!
JTM: Say WHAT? Wackson vs. a jobber AGAIN? 'Sup witchoo, V?
Ring Announcer: Making his way towards the ring, from London, England, weighing 20 stone, 2 lbs., OddJobber!
(An acid rock version of the James Bond theme plays. OddJobber wears ripped jeans, a stained "Can I Have a Pancake?" T-shirt, a bowler hat and sunglasses. Surprisingly enough, he gets a good pop.)
Ring Announcer: And his opponent, accompanied by Mad Onna, from Never Never Land, weighing in at 230 lbs...MICHAEL WACKSON!
("Bad" by Michael Jackson plays. Wackson is wearing the same costume he had last week. He gets a little more pop than he did last week, but not as much as OddJobber just got.)
AM: I'm amazed! OddJobber gets a pop? He appears to be the fan favorite in this match.
AM: OddJobber starts with a slap to the midsection. Interesting opener...Wackson responds with a dropkick and OddJobber is down. Surprise, surprise. The crowd is chanting "FREE JOE RAIN! FREE JOE RAIN!" and I have no idea what it means!
CT: You can stop the charade now. It's obvious the fans know that OddJobber's real name is Joe Rain. OddJobber is up, charges Wackson and gives a double underhook suplex, and this crowd goes berserk! The cover: 1...and a kickout. Oooh, the fans aren't pleased with that. OddJobber with an elbowdrop that finds its mark nicely. OddJobber has talent, no doubt about it.
JTM: OddJobber takes Wackson to the top rope for a superplex, and NAILS IT! Man, the crowd is lovin' it! I must admit, so am I! But wait, Wackson now with an inside cradle, and the cover, the count, and the victory! The crowd boos heavily, and the chant starts up again.
(crowd shot of some generation Xers in "Can I Have a Pancake?" T-shirts)
AM: Looks like OddJobber has found fans with just as little direction as he has.
Ring Announcer: Here is your winner, Michael Wackson!
AM: Our next match for this evening features a stable war as Jamal Tupac Mustafa and Sweet Candy Andy of the Rogue's Gallery take on Los Mexicanos Nondescriptos of Mexico Unlimited.
Ring Announcer: The following tag team contest is set for one fall. Making their way towards the ring, with a combined weight of 513 lbs., representing the Rogue's Gallery, Jamal Tupac Mustafa and Sweet Candy Andy!
(Andy's voice saying, "Man, my chocolate's SOOOOOOOO sweet!" is heard, followed by the Bee Gees' "Stayin' Alive". The two men come out to loud boos.)
Ring Announcer: And their opponents, with a combined weight of 430 lbs., representing Mexico Unlimited, José, Julio, Los Mexicanos Nondescriptos!
(The Mexican Hat Dance plays. Two nondescript luchadores enter. They can barely be told apart. Mixed reaction from the crowd.)
AM: Julio against Sweet Candy Andy to start. Both men exchanging armdrag takedowns, and I don't like the direction this is going!
CT: Wait, we need a third announcer! Who's it going to be? Wait, here he comes - the Square? Can he talk?
AM: Can? Yes. Will he is another question, but apparently his presence here indicates he will. Welcome, Mr. Square.
Mr. Square: (very nasal quiet voice) Hellooo. It's goood to beee heeere.
CT: What brings you to ringside?
MS: I'm heeere to keeep tabs on Mexico Unlimited. They're liable to dooo anything to win. And I'm here to express my outrage at the fact I'm not getting my title shot this weeeeek.
AM: That's true, El Spheros was supposed to defend today, but he backed out, saying he will defend when he's good and ready, and I assume that means at Mexico Madness.
CT: So, basically, you lied to the fans again.
AM: Wait, let's get back to the match! What on earth? Are they still exchanging armdrag takedowns?
(Crowd is chanting "boring".)
MS: Apparently so.
CT: Our ratings are going down. I can smell it. When is something different going to happen? Ah, here it is. Right on cue. It's Bucho Mugralez and Pedro Chang! It's their turn to come to ringside. They're chatting with El Presidente, but again, we can't hear a word! They're shaking hands! I certainly hope this isn't what I think it is!
AM: Pedro Chang enters the ring and nails Andy! He goes to the top rope and hits the L.A. Hangover on the pimp! Unfortunately, the ref was arguing with Jamal Tupac Mustafa, and Julio with the easy cover. 1...2...3! Did the other guys even tag in?
MS: Yes, but you missed it, and all they did was exchange armdrag takedowns toooo.
Ring Announcer: Here are your winners, Los Mexicanos Nondescriptos!
AM: El Presidente is entering the ring with Bucho and Pedro. I hope this isn't what I think...
El Presidente: Plees khwelcome the newest members of Mehico Unlimited! Pedro Chang and Bucho Mugralez! Notting can stop us khnow!
(El Spheros and Pepe the Mexican Midget enter the ring. All of Mexico Unlimited is now together. The Mexican National Anthem plays.)
MS: I've gotta stop this...
AM: Square! No! It's a suicide mission! The Square is trying to beat everyone up, but he's outnumbered five to one, plus managers. Oh, this isn't pretty, not at all. What? We can't go now! (Cattle prod appears again) Okay! We have to go! Next week, hopefully, Distruct, the Stonebreakers in action, and the Forces of Justice just might put their tag belts on the line! Goodnight everybody, and until next week, keep your pants off!
[We return to the BOB office.]
PT + MM: (Fake) Ha-ha-ha-ha.
MM: Wasn't that just high-larious?
PT: That was off the double cheeseburger, yo.
MM: So, Pete, are you looking forward to BOB coming back?
PT: It's coming back? Fo' real? Damn! Is that why I'm here?
MM: Afraid so. BOB 2007 is coming.
PT: In 2008?
MM: Quite possibly, though BigBOSS is claiming the 2007 season will happen in 2007.
PT: I'll believe it when I see it, homey.
MM: Well, I see we still have a lot of time to fill up. So let's play another great Classix episode!
(Interior of the Kiel Center. The two guys normally holding flare guns and sparklers have now upgraded to Roman Candles.)
AM: Welcome everyone to Monday Nae Trous, live from the Kiel Center in St. Louis! I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, and with me as always is Rogue's Gallery Correspondent Jamal Tupac Mustafa, and actively retired octogenarian wrestler Captain Twilight, and WE'RE NOT WEARING PANTS!
JTM: Yo V, how do THEY know that? The camera only shows our torsos!
AM: Well, let's show them!
(Camera pans down. McMadden is wearing a kilt, JTM is wearing a loincloth and Captain Twilight is wearing superhero tights. Camera pans back up and shakes back and forth, as if the cameraman was shaking his head.)
AM: But seriously, folks, we have a great show for you. Let's kick it off as the Forces of Justice take on the Techie Salesmen from Hell, Bait & Switch!
Ring Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, I have been informed that Bait & Switch wish to make an announcement.
(They enter. Both are wearing shirts and ties, carrying briefcase laptops. Switch has a piece of paper in his hand.
Switch: Hey Forces, did you even read the contract? You're not fighting us, but three teams in a row, with your belts on the line, and the only way to end a match is by pinfall or submission - no contests aren't even gonna happen!
(The Forces come out looking really angry. They snatch the paper and read it.)
Judge: Can we get a ruling on this please?
(The Right Hand Man walks out and reads the paper.)
The Right Hand Man: This is the contract you signed. You should have read better. So let's get the first match on already!
Bait: So let's introduce your first opponents. You know them well: they mauled you twice, but you kept your belts by DQ. It's not going to happen this time, though! Please welcome...THE CAPITAL PUNISHERS!
(Night court theme music. Two guys in suits with Haliburtons rush the ring, Haliburtons flailing.) ***bell rings.
AM: This is going to be one hell of a donnybrook! Mark Cheatham and the Judge to start things off. Judge nails a German suplex on Cheatham, and follows up with an elbowdrop. Picks him up...DDT! Picks Cheatham up again...Judge lands a reverse DDT! Tag to Preacher, who has an easy job ahead.
CT: Preacher grabs his staff and smacks it over Mark's head. Now he's laying it across his throat, and he stomps on both ends! Mark Cheatham is grabbing his throat in pain! Tag back to Judge. Judge goes to the middle rope and flying elbowdrop lands nicely. Judge whips Cheatham to the turnbuckle...head of steam on Judge...and OUCH! Big boot right in the kisser. Cheatham takes the opportunity to tag Jim Dewey. Dewey comes in and blasts the Haliburton on Judge's head - I think that popped the blood capsule on the suitcase...I mean I think Judge is bleeding. The cover: 1...2...shoulder up. Jim Dewey with a piledriver on the 336 pound Judge! Cover: 1...2...Preacher makes the save. Judge tags out.
JTM: Preacher comes in now, and takes Dewey outside. What's he tryin' to do? Preacher slams Dewey's head into the Spanish announcer's table! He's now taking him up there...PILEDRIVER ON THE TABLE! The table snaps in half, and Preacher rolls Dewey in. I t'ink he's settin' up for...yes! The Deathwish! Preacher tags Judge and quickly applies the Boston Crab. Judge comes in and applies the Camel Clutch! Dewey submits! It's over! Well, the first match is over...
Bait: Well, you've done well, but I hope you're ready for the next match which starts now! Your arch-nemeses, the ones who stand for everything you abhor, yes...let me welcome Sir Gary Glutton and Friar Buck...the HEDONISTIC CRUSADERS!
(They take their time. Sir Gary is 650 lbs., with red metal armor, carrying a ham hock. He goes to the audience.)
Gary Glutton: Popcorn! Get your popcorn heeeeya!
AM: Gary Glutton is harassing the popcorn vendor! He's taking his popcorn and eating it right before the match! That can't be healthy.
GG: You can't do this to me and get away with it! I was in 'Nam! You haven't heard the last of Colonel "Pops" Khorne!
(Friar "Buck" now enters, accompanied by his "valet", Gratuitous Tina.)
AM: Friar "Buck" starting out with a drained Preacher. The Friar extends his hand? The audience is screaming "no", and he tells them all to shut up - go figure. Preacher shakes his hand, and follows up with a headbutt! Preacher is resorting to dirty pool to keep those belts! Preacher with a vertical suplex, and tags Judge. Judge takes the oversized gavel and slams it into the monk's midsection, then runs into Sir Gary Glutton and gives HIM a bellyshot!
CT: I think he's trying to get them to feel queasy - both Crusaders stand for excess food, as well as gratuitous violence and pornography, all of which they call "virtues".
AM: Friar "Buck" wants to tag out, but Sir Gary clutches his stomach and refuses! Some heated words there, and Judge sunset flips "Buck"! The quick count: 1.2.and kickout. Friar "Buck" slaps Glutton's hand. Glutton comes in with a big-belly -to-belly suplex. Gary goes to the top rope, and a BIG SPLASH by Glutton! The count: 1...2...and Judge has a shoulder up. Tag to Preacher, who's caught a second wind. Glutton wants to tag out, and does so. "Buck" comes in with a spinning heel kick and lands it well. Preacher is down. But what's this? Sweet Candy Andy comes to ringside! He's talking to Gratuitous Tina, but I can't hear what they're saying. Tina smiles and walks off with Andy!
JTM: You go, boy! Chalk another one up for the Gallery! Sweet Candy Andy needed a woman, and there she is, and may I add, she's all that!
AM: No you may not. Anyway, "Buck" looks miffed, and he's yelling at Andy. Preacher takes the opportunity, and another sunset flip! 1...2...3! It's over! The final match awaits!
Switch: Your final match this evening - fresh from their stints in Casino Rama and Chuckles comedy club - they've earned their name once more as they've returned to their homeland in Nevada...please welcome, from the Entertainment Industry, the Vegas Connection!
(Lester Leary enters with his ruffle tuxedo and pompadour. Larry Lowbrow follows close behind in his leather jacket and jeans. Behind him are the magician Presto Cadabra with Janice, "Black" Jack Dealer, and finally, Rimshot wheels in.)
AM: This could become a superbrawl - just about everyone in this federation has a problem with either the Forces, or the Entertainment Industry. Interference is legal, so we'll just have to see what happens!
AM: All six men in the ring, as the Industry is beating the already fatigued Forces to a pulp! But wait, Broadway Musical Man is entering the ring, he's heading straight for his arch-enemy Lester Leary! They're brawling outside the ring, and now it's just three on two! And now ThatGuy is coming! I guess he's still mad at Presto Cadabra for his appearance inside the cage at Supercard I. ThatGuy runs at Presto and slaps on the Hideous Finger Bite! Presto is screaming, but no one seems to care! Presto is now down a finger, and I think ThatGuy is going to start on another - he's crazy! The ref has lost control, but he can't stop the match. Bait and Switch now jump on the apron, and smack the Forces with their multimedia laptop PC briefcases! The ring has gained some sanity now, as Larry Lowbrow grabs Preacher and drags him to the top rope. He's calling for a mike?
Lester Leary: Stop me if you've heard this one before, folks. It's the Punchline!
CT: He picks up Preacher a bit higher than himself, in a belly-to-belly position, and MOONSAULTS, still holding Preacher, down to the concrete, where the padding was lifted away by Dealer. Preacher lands on his head and nobody will get up from that. They're both in the ring. The count:1...2...3! WE HAVE NEW CHAMPIONS!
Ring Announcer: Here are your winners, and NEEEEEEEW tag team champions, Lester Leary and Larry Lowbrow, the VEGAS CONNECTION!
AM: What a way to start off Monday Nae Trous! I'll grab a quick word with ThatGuy. ThatGuy, this is the first we've seen of you in a while. One question is on everyone's minds. Are you still allied with Bohemoth and the Circus Freaks?
ThatGuy: Of course I am! They're the only ones who understand the true nature of the freak! We've all been rejected or shunned in one way or another, and now the Asylum Alliance is ready to take on the STWF in style! YOU'RE NOT SAFE! YOU'RE NOT SAFE!! YOU'RE NOT SAFE!!!
AM: Thank you ThatGuy. We'll take a short break and be right back with the debut of DISTRUCT.
Monday Nae Trous is brought to you by Fat Matt brand gigantic beef jerky sticks for the morbidly obese. Who you callin' "slim"?
Coming soon to the STWF...BILL! BILL! BILL!
BILL. Coming soon to the STWF/CSTLL.
AM: Captain Twilight, what have you heard of BILL?
CT: Not much, and what I have heard is conflicting.
Ring Announcer: This contest is scheduled for one fall. Currently in the ring, from St. John's, Newfoundland, weighing 255 lbs., the RED SNAPPER!
(The Red Snapper is a man dressed in a lobster suit. It reeks of poorly thought out gimmick, considering red snappers are fish.)
Ring Announcer: And his opponent, accompanied by Doctor Death, from Woodstock, Ontario, weighing 304 lbs., DISTRUCT! (Distruct's own theme music, which can be found at http://www.execulink.com/~blj/heat.mid (I didn't link it), plays. Distruct wears a blue and yellow singlet. On the front is a skull with a lightning bolt going through it.)
AM: The Red Snapper has his work cut out for him as he takes on the Rock from Woodstock. Hee hee - I just made that up!
JTM: No, honestly, did you just ask for Sweet Candy Andy to come out here and pimp slap you? Distruct calling for the ol' test-o'-strength, and the Snapper complies? He's sent crashing to the mat. Distruct picks him up by the neck and chokeslams him. The cover: 1...2...and Distruct backs off and picks him up. He applies a neckbreaker and goes for the cover again. 1...2...and backs off again! The ref warns Distruct.
CT: Now Distruct makes the cutthroat gesture and takes the Snapper to the high-rent district. What's he...PEARL RIVER PLUNGE OFF THE TOP ROPE! I've just been informed that his move is called the Doomsday. This is a squash victory. He's not pinning? Oh, I see. He goes for a Deathlock, and the Red Snapper wastes no time in submitting before he is cracked like the shellfish he is.
Ring Announcer: Here is your winner...DISTRUCT!
AM: Impressive victory for Distruct, but I sure wish the match could have been longer. We have so much time to fill! I know...INTERVIEWS! Captain Twilight, do your show. NOW!
CT: Okay...(enters the ring) And now, it's time for my new segment, THE TWILIGHT ZONE! With me, Captain Twilight.
AM: I'm really starting to rethink this...
CT: Please welcome my first guests, the newest members of Mexico Unlimited, they are Bucho Mugralez, and Pedro Chang!
(Bucho enters first. He is an old Mexican man dressed like a Mariachi with a black and gold Sombrero. Pedro follows close behind. His flannel shirt now features the Mexican Flag on the back. He also wears a Mexico Unlimited tanktop T-shirt (only $19.95 order now!))
CT: Now, gentlemen, what do you have to say regarding your entrance into Mexico Unlimited, as well as the upcoming Mexico Madness pay-per-view? (only $24.95 call your cable company NOW!)
Bucho Mugralez: Mehico Unlimited eez the moz' powerful force in the Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre. An' youknowwhat esse, we teach all who oppose us Mehican Judo: Ju doh know if I got a knife, Ju doh know if I got a gun, Ju doh know notting about me, esse, and that's the way we like it. Mehico Unlimited! Accept NO sobstitutions!
Pedro Chang: Hey Paco, Mehico Onlimited da Mos' Powerful group of Hombres todayas for that Punta Ben Matera. I wan' your title puerto, and at Mehico Madness in five weeks in sonny Tijuana, I weel have eet as Mehico Onlimited tries to ween all de belts.
Offscreen: Oh will you please shut your hole.
PC: Who said that?
(A man wearing black pants, an Ozzy Osbourne T-shirt, a leather jacket and black Army boots enters. A cigarette is dangling out of his mouth.)
Offscreen: Me, that's who. DeRanged.
AM: Oh my! DeRanged has finally made his way into the STWF/CSTLL! And it looks like he's already found someone to pick on!
DeRanged: Well, well, well, look what trash I get to see shoot his mouth off in the ring. Hey, Spic-boy, I hear you were trained by Bissell and his 1/64th of an inch penis. Says something about YOU, dunnit prickjob?
CT: Now listen here, this is my interview time, and...
DeRanged: Shut up, old man, before I Death Grip your wrinkled ass right here! Well, as the STWF should know, I've beaten Bissell a hundred million times, so why not come here and start beating on the "Next Generation" of suckless, no-talent, bad-gimmick S.O.B. Bissell-butt-buddies...
PC: Hey, my gimmick's not THAT bad...
DeRanged: So, Pedro Chang, the Chinese Dick, why don't you meet me, in the ring, next Monday, unless you are Chink enough to handle a buff giant like me. Probably gonna run away like Bissell now, right?
PC: Next week. Any enemy of Bissell's is an enemy of mine. Take on me, an' ju take on Mehico Onlimited! Thees ees KHWAR!
DeRanged: And learn how to speak properly, unless that's some impairment from sucking "little Bissell". You've just signed your death warrant, little man.
(DeRanged leaves. Pedro Chang takes the audience route out, along with Bucho. Enter "The Right Hand Man". Behind him is the popcorn vendor from before.)
The Right Hand Man: This man came up to me after the Hedonistic Crusaders match, and I'm proud to say he is the newest member of the STWF/CSTLL. Everyone meet Colonel "Pops" Khorne!
CT: Well, Mr. Khorne, in the 30 seconds we have left, do you have anything to say?
Col. "Pops" Khorne: Yes, sir. Sir Gary Glutton - you don't know what you've gotten yourself into. Your big fat ass is mine! I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE! AIEEEEHAHAHAHA!
CT: Um....thank you. Angus?
AM: That's all the time we have this week. I'm sorry, but the Stonebreakers couldn't make it tonight, hopefully next week, they'll take on the Sanitation Crew. And of course, DeRanged versus Pedro Chang, Col. Khorne, all next week, so until then, keep your pants off!
[We return to Mike Monroe and Pete Trable. Pete is teaching Mike how to look "thugged out."]
MM: Yo, yo, yo, Double M up in this biz-notch! You hear? No really, is my microphone on? It is?
PT: Yo man, you get a solid F-minus in Thuganomics 101.
PT: Why don't you hit my peeps with the 411 homey.
PT: Tell 'em about BOB 2007.
MM: Oh, right. Well fans, coming in January, or possibly February of 2007, Brawlers On a Budget returns with brand new episodes! Barring, of course, a nuclear attack that somehow prevents us from living or existing. I'm looking at YOU, North Korea and the dark forces controlling the United States government.
PT: The IRS?
MM: Precisely. We will be emanating LIVE from the world-infamous Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada! So to all our drunken friends in Vegas, get ready! BOB is coming!
PT: And I'm sure I'll have to clean it up. *Sigh* Speaking of which, I gotta bail, homey. I'm due back at the, uh, store.
MM: What'd you say you were doing there?
PT: I'm the jizz mopper. I'm all used to hearing about Bob coming, Steve coming, John coming, Dave coming and every other dude on the planet coming. And I'll be there to clean it up.
MM: We'll see you soon for more Classix! Good morning!
© 2006 BOB Wrestling. Still making money off other people's work!