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Classix Logo

More Contractually Mandated Hilarity!

Mike Monroe

[We fade in on a basement office in BOB's new Megacorp Headquarters in beautiful Sin City, United States. Mike Monroe is once again standing in front of a dry erase board, on which the words "YOUR INTERNETS OFF TIL YOU EDIT A NEW SHOW, LAZY UNDERLING!!" are scrawled.]

MM: Hello, and welcome to another edition of Classix, right her on Comedy Central. I'm Mike Monroe, and for the next couple of hours we're going to relive some gems from parody past, some of which was probably best left repressed. Regardless, because we need some more shows for this year, and we need to make some sort of profit on all those old tapes in the BOB library, we'll take a look back from more of the early years of the Stereo Type Wrestling Federation. Up first, a special edition featuring Pedro Chang against DeRanged.

[Fade to black. Roll tape...]

Angus McMadden: Welcome everyone to THURSDAY Nae Trous! Yes, you're reading correctly. We should hope to get back to Mondays as soon as the WNHL playoffs are over - why they're playing in July is beyond me. But we have a great line-up today; Pedro Chang is going one-on-one with DeRanged. Speaking of DeRanged, we'd like to thank him, as well as Col. Khorne, for getting us in trouble with the FCC for their uncalled-for language. And what do you know, we're going to kick things off with the debut of Colonel "Pops" Khorne as he takes on another food personality, Hammond Egger, the pastry chef!

Ring Announcer: The following contest is set for one fall. Currently in the ring, from Chicago, Illinois, weighing in at 240 lbs., Hammond Egger!

(Hammond Egger receives little pop with some shouts of "Scrub!" and "Bum!". He is dressed in a white chef's outfit, complete with hat and frying pan.)

RA: And his opponent, from St. Louis, Missouri, weighing in at 220 lbs., COLONEL "POPS" KHORNE!

(Khorne comes out to a small pop. He is still wearing the vendor's uniform, and still has a tray. On his way to the ring, he is still selling popcorn.)

Captain Twilight: Khorne hasn't changed a bit since joining the STWF. And I can't help but wonder, at 5'11" he's not a very intimidating figure, and his skills are questionable.

AM: We are not ones to question the decisions of Der Kommissaar and the Right Hand Man. The Rogue, on the other hand...

Jamal Tupac Mustafa: Man, you better not dis' da Rogue while I'm here, or I bus' yo' face so hard yo' 'FRO PICK'll bleed, bitch!

***bell rings.

AM: Both men lock up. Hammond Egger has the weight advantage, but he's not winning this test-o'-strength. Khorne slaps on a headlock. Egger replies with elbows to the midsection. Khorne backs off and whips Egger to the turnbuckle. Khorne drives a shoulder into Egger and follows up with some kicks. Khorne now slaps on a front face lock - Egger's not submitting. Khorne breaks the hold after 14 seconds. Khorne with a snap suplex and covers: 1...2...kickout by Egger.

JTM: Are we excited yet?

CT: Oh do shut up you ignoramus, and let's just watch the match before I show you what a real wrestler can do!

JTM: Ooooh, I'm so scared, the old geezer's gonna hurt me!

AM: Um...anyways, Egger now trying to get the frying pan and cause some damage, but the ref sees it and throws the pan away. Khorne takes the opportunity and gives Hammond a swinging neckbreaker! This could do it...1...2...3! Yes, Khorne wins.

RA: Here is your winner, Colonel "Pops" Khorne!

AM: But wait, Sir Gary Glutton is coming to ringside - Friar "Buck" is not with him. I don't know about this...

Sir Gary Glutton: KHORNE! Your popcorn sucked, and so did that match! You're a no-talent hack and you always will be!

Colonel "Pops" Khorne: Oh yeah? Meet me here next week, and we'll see who the better man is!

SGG: Fine. You want to play with the big boys, little man? Well, I'm the biggest there is! When I'm through with you, all that'll be left is next week's dinner!

CT: Some interesting comments from Sir Gary Glutton of the Hedonistic Crusaders. Wait...I'm getting word that there's been a run-in in the back, and the Caretaker has been injured! Let's roll tape.

(The Caretaker of the Sanitation Crew is buffing the floor. Hugo Stonebreaker appears, clocks him in the head, and starts buffing the Caretaker's face. He leaves, with the Caretaker sprawled on the ground.)

CT: Well, it appears as though the Stonebreakers are trying to eliminate their competition if they can't win. We've just been told that The Sanitation Crew will not be fighting the Stonebreakers tonight, but replacing them will be none other than Dow Jones and Hi Interestrate, the Finance Department. Let's take you to them for pre-match comments.

Dow Jones: You may not have seen us before, but don't sell us short! We're as strong as bears and as stubborn as bulls! Stonebreakers, we're going to do to you what the Hunt Brothers did to the silver market!

Hi Interestrate: You're goin' down faster than Bre-X!

RA: The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Currently in the ring, with a combined weight of 830 lbs., Hugo and Slick, the Stonebreakers!

(Dead silence. The Stonebreakers have not found any gimmick yet, and as such draw no crowd pop.)

RA: And their opponents, with a combined weight of 566 lbs., Dow Jones and Hi Interestrate, the Finance Department!

(Two men in brightly coloured business suits enter. Dow Jones' is bright red, and Hi Interestrate's is bright yellow. A decent pop.)

***bell rings.

AM: Dow Jones and Slick to start things. Slick goes for a top-wrist lock, but Dow counters with a head-butt and a neckbreaker. Dow goes to the middle rope and lands a kneedrop nicely. He picks up Slick and drives him to the mat with a powerbomb! Tag to Interestrate.

JTM: What kind of damn fool name is Interestrate? Hi applies his patented nosehold. The ref asks Slick if he submits, Slick doesn't. Interestrate now follows up the nosehold by covering the mouth! Slick can't breathe! The ref lifts the arm once...twice...three times...Hugo tried to make the save but Dow Jones held him off! This one is over and quickly!

RA: Here are your winners, the Finance Department! (Crowd cheers)

AM: Impressive win for Jones and Interestrate. We'll be right back after this short break.

This show has been brought to you by the Albatross Brothers Gaming Corporation, proud makers of "McCarthy Rules: The spot-and-kill-the-commie game" (fun for ages 7 and up!). If it's on the fringe, it's Albatross Brothers.

Be afraid, children, for BILL will soon walk amongst ye.

BILL. Coming soon to the STWF.

AM: Well, we're back. I've been informed that STWF affiliate Jim Moss has some information on BILL; hopefully the Moss Report will be out soon. I'm terribly sorry, but during the break, we started a match between Michael Wackson and Cross-Eyed Chris Armstrong, but we had no idea that Michael Wackson would win in 20 seconds with a moonwalk moonsault! So let's take you now to the Twilight Zone!

CT: Hello and welcome once again to the Twilight Zone! With me, Captain Twilight. My special guest this evening is none other than the self-proclaimed pixie king, Sugarplum Harry!

("The Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies", played on a tuba, plays. Sugarplum Harry enters, wearing his trademark pink tutu and cardboard star wand.)

CT: First of all, Harry, I'd like to comment on your choice of match for Mexico Madness. You asked for a match on ice? In Tijuana of all places? I can understand a match on ice anywhere else, but why now?

Sugarplum Harry: Well...I figured that I could take him anytime, anywhere, under even the most impossible of conditions! Our match will take place inside the only Mexican hockey arena, so there are no worries there. El Spheros! You may have strong ties to many people, including Mexico Unlimited and the House of Pain in your other "federation", but it is nothing compared to the awesome size of the Pixie Kingdom! I will be crowned the new champion! You will fall like all the rest...well, I suppose roll, considering your shape. I don't care what shape you are though, because everyone feels the Nutcracker the same way! I'm outta here.

CT: Well, thank you Harry. Let's take you now to our final match - the one you've all been waiting for - DeRanged will take on Pedro Chang!

RA: The following contest is set for one fall. Making his way towards the ring, accompanied by Bucho Mugralez and El Presidente, representing Mexico Unlimited, from Los Angeles, CA, "The Chinese Spic" PEDRO CHANG!

("Rico Suave" by Gerrardo plays. Lots of noise from the crowd, but mostly boos.)

RA: And his opponent, from Edison, New Jersey, weighing in at 325 lbs.,the genocidal, suicidal, homicidal and circumcisal (CIRCUMCISAL?!) DeRanged!

("Black Sabbath" by Black Sabbath plays. A good pop, with a New Jersey contingent going wild. This is Buffalo, after all.)

JTM: Dude, did he say circumcisal? Man, that's sick, brother, that's jus' plain SICK!

***bell rings.

AM: DeRanged starts off by flinging his cigarette in Chang's face. El Presidente replies by shoving his giant cigar in DeRanged's face! Both men temporarily blinded, and Bucho Mugralez takes some cheap shots. Both men shake off the ashes, and this match can get started. Pedro Chang with a dropkick, but DeRanged just stands there and laughs! Pedro Chang with another dropkick, still no effect. Chang with a hurricanrana and starts pounding away on DeRanged's face. DeRanged cataputs Pedro off of him and into the turnbuckle. DeRanged now gives Pedro Chang a superplex! The cover:1...and Chang kicks out. You're not going to get him that quickly...

CT: Chang with a reverse atomic drop, and rakes the eyes of DeRanged. DeRanged is mad now, he gives the cutthroat sign, and grabs the neck of Chang! We could see the Death Grip...El Presidente and Bucho Mugralez both start wailing on DeRanged with their concealed lead pipes. But it's having no effect! DeRanged lets go, turns around and glares at them. Meanwhile, Pedro Chang goes up top and nails his L.A. Hangover! I tell ya, wrestling's changed a lot since I was a boy sixty-five years ago...

AM: The cover: 1...2...and DeRanged kicks out. DeRanged with a reverse chinlock on Pedro Chang. The ref comes over and asks Chang if he submits - Chang doesn't. DeRanged grabs the ropes: ref doesn't see it. Grabs them again: nope, not that time. A third time: okay, now the ref saw it and warns DeRanged. The chinlock is still applied though! Okay, while we're waiting for this chinlock to end, I'd like to remind everyone that if you'd like to appear on the next Twilight Zone, you can mail your comments as soon as is physically possible. Is the chinlock broken yet? No? Um... okay, perhaps I'd like to explain then that the reason these two are feuding is because of one man, Rob Bissell, aka IRONMAN. Bissell trained Pedro Chang and handed him off to Bucho Mugralez, who's really given Pedro a name here. But DeRanged has feuded with Bissell in pretty much every fed imaginable, and I suppose now he wants to take on Bissell's protégés as well. Now? Oh come on! Still?

DeRanged: Oh, to hell with this...

AM: He breaks the hold - finally! - and lands the Death Grip! Pedro Chang is now in a sleeper submission! The ref lifts the arm...once...twice...

***bell rings.

AM: ...three times.

RA: Ladies and gentlemen, this match has ended in a time-limit DRAW!

(Crowd boos and starts chanting "bullshit!")

DeRanged: What the hell?! I had him! Damn, I knew I shouldn't have taken so damn long on the chinlock. You know you're beaten, Chinese Dick, so just admit it!

Pedro Chang: Never! We will meet again, and you weel know the power of Mexico Unlimited!

AM: Los Mexicanos Nondescriptos charge the ring and start beating on DeRanged. Chang joins them. The managers now, it's five on one! No, now Pepe is coming with the ramp, and we all know what that means! El Spheros rolling down the aisle! Pepe goes to the top turnbuckle...El Spheros up the ramp and Pepe jumps on him, rocketing him up near the ceiling of Marine Midland Arena!Chang lands on DeRanged, winding him considerably. Pepe now down with tremendous speed with a HUGE legdrop! It's seven-on-one! DeRanged just caught second wind and HE'S GOING BERSERK! He's chokeslamming everyone! We've gotta go right now, next week you'll see Distruct, the Asylum Alliance and the Entertainment Industry will go at it, and hopefully much more, depending on challenges! Goodnight everybody, and until next week, keep your pants off!

Mike Monroe

[We return to Mike Monroe in his basement studio thing.]

MM: Next up, more great STWF action. In this episode, we see the Rogue's Gallery's master plan come to fruition. Check it out!

[Fade out. Roll tape.]

Angus McMadden: Welcome everyone to Monday Nae Trous! We're back in our original timeslot, thankfully, and we hope to keep it this way for a while. We'd like to welcome a newcomer to our ranks, Tony Starks. We hope you enjoy life in the gimmick lane! Also, we have received word that another ECCWF import is on the way, and rumour has it that Rimshot is looking to expand his Entertainment Industry. But right now, we're going to kick it off as Distruct takes on Presto Cadabra!

Ring Announcer: The following contest is set for one fall. Making his way toward the ring, accompanied by Rimshot, Janice and "Black"Jack Dealer, from Atlantic City, NJ, weighing in at 224 lbs., PRESTO CADABRA!

(Boos for the Entertainment Industry. Presto Cadabra is wearing a black suit with top hat, opera cape, monocle, and has a pencil line moustache. Janice is dressed like a showgirl. Jack Dealer is still wearing the Casino Rama uniform, and of course Rimshot wheels behind all. Presto takes the time to do a card trick for a little kid. It seems that the kid is not impressed.)

RA: And his opponent, accompanied by Dr. Death, from Woodstock, Ontario, Canada, weighing in at 304 lbs., DISTRUCT!

(Distruct gets a decent pop since he's Canadian. Distruct just tells them to shut up, and Dr. Death follows with a sycophantic "Yeah!")

***bell rings.

AM: Not much to say here. Distruct, certainly an accomplished wrestler, but Cadabra always has a few tricks up his sleeve. Distruct starts with as sidewalk slam, picks him up, and does it again. Easy cover: 1...shoulder up. Distruct is a little over-confident today. Presto gets up, whips Distruct into the turnbuckle, and gives a solid knee to the midsection. He goes to the middle rope and starts landing rights and lefts all over creation. Distruct just hurls him out of the ring, and stands inside, laughing. Dr. Death starts pummelling him from there, and Jack Dealer starts pummelling Dr. Death! Distruct sees it, and we have a brawl outside the ring. Well, while this is going on, Captain Twilight, can you give us more information on our new entrant, Tony Starks? Not a very gimmicky name.

Captain Twilight: Rather odd duck, though, this one. He goes by his real name, and yet he wears a mask? Well, neither Mr. Starks or his manager Mr. X are willing to talk, but I did find out that Tony is a second-generation wrestler with a martial arts background, so we can expect some experienced wrestling out of him.

Jamal Tupac Mustafa: Man, I don't care WHO this brudda is, if he crosses da Rogue's Gallery, he in fo' one HELLUVA surprise.

CT: What surprise is that? That you still have a contract with the STWF even though none of you guys can wrestle worth a damn?

JTM: Shutcho wrinkled face, old man, befo' I bitch-slap you into INACTIVE retirement!

AM: Please, please! The action outside has cleared, and both men are back in the ring, visibly fatigued. Distruct goes for an abdominal stretch, but Presto just slips out of it and rolls Distruct up! sir. Presto now making the sign for his "saw you in half" torture rack! He tries to pick Distruct up - I guess he forgot Distruct outweighs him by 80 lbs. Distruct rocks Cadabra with a shoulderbreaker. He's giving Presto the finger - he's going to go for the Doomsday! Taking him up to the top rope - will he land it? YES! He's going to go for the Deathlock now: WAIT! Jack Dealer comes in and starts slashing with that razor ace up his sleeve. Someone's coming down the ring now - IT'S MICHAEL WACKSON! Will he help Jack Dealer or hurt him? He pulls Jack off Distruct and gives him a vicious enzuigiri upside the head! Dealer's out of the ring, and now Wackson hits his Moonwalk Moonsault on Presto Cadabra! The ref sees it, and this match is over.

RA: Here is your winner, as a result of a disqualification, PRESTO CADABRA!

AM: Now what? Bohemoth coming in the ring, it looks like he wants a word with the big man from Woodstock.

Distruct! Since I can't get any damn matches anywhere in the EBW, I'vegot you right here where I want you! Three weeks from today, Mexico Madness, I'm going to beat the living daylights out of you, so you can experience the darkness that I must live with every day of my life! We haven't forgotten your actions against the Asylum Alliance - in Tijuana, we are going to settle in mano-a-mano. See you in hell!

AM: And just like that, he's leaving! Distruct didn't even answer, but I guess the match is signed anyway.We'll be back after this short break.

This show is brought to you by Geek Depot Techie Supplies, where you get a free Dilbert screen saver with every purchase of $100 or more! For the computer nerd in you.

Who is BILL? The answer will come much sooner than anyone wants!

BILL. Coming soon to the STWF.

AM: On to our next match, we are going to see a six-man tag: ThatGuy and the Circus Freaks are going to take on "Black" Jack Dealer and STWF tag champs, the Vegas Connection.

CT: It's bad enough that we have to see Rimshot once on MNT, but TWICE? Oh well...

RA: The following six-man tag team contest is scheduled for one fall. Making their way towards the ring, representing the Asylum Alliance, ThatGuy, Sasquatch, and Dizzy Desi!

(Major pop. ThatGuy is wheeled in, Sasquatch follows, and Dizzy Desi is not far behind. Sores, blisters, pustules and other assorted skin disorders now adorn Dizzy's face.)

JTM: Man, what the hell has Dizzy Desi DONE to himself? It makes me sick just to look at him!

AM: Indeed. It could have something to do with that hammer he keeps hitting himself in the head with. I have no idea where that hammer's been, and I don't want to know.

RA: And their opponents, representing the Entertainment Industry, "Black" Jack Dealer, Lounge Lizard Lester Leary, and Larry Lowbrow!

(More boos. Rimshot accompanies them. Lester is singing "That's Entertainment" and peppering it with "JACK!" after every other line.)

***bell rings.

AM: Dizzy Desi and Jack Dealer to start things off. Jack looks really disgusted at Desi's new appearance. He's going to have to live with it, though. Dizzy with a dropkick, Jack Dealer reels back to the ropes, then bounces off them and hits a flying forearm. DDT by Dealer, picks him up, and Desi with a headbutt - Jack Dealer's face is covered in all those bodily excretions on Dizzy's face. Jack trying to wipe it off, and he doesn't even see Dizzy going to the top rope - DIZZY DESI WITH A CORKSCREW MOONSAULT! The cover: 1...2...Lowbrow makes the save. Jack Dealer tags to Lester Leary, and Dizzy Desi tags to ThatGuy. ThatGuy executes a cross-face chicken wing on Leary, but Lowbrow again stops it. The ref now warning Lowbrow, so here come the Freaks! Sasquatch with his newly-patented Saskatchewan Stomp off the top rope. Those 36" feet of his must be pretty painful when they land on you. Sasquatch now jumping up and down on Leary- that'll leave some footprints! - and quickly goes back before the ref sees. ThatGuy tags to Sasquatch, who obviously wants to dish out some more! Belly-to-back on Leary, the cover: 1...2...shoulder up. Incredible endurance on Lester Leary! He's not a tag champion for nothing...Lester Leary gets up and a neckbreaker by Leary. Tag to Larry Lowbrow. Lowbrow with an eye rake, followed by a bootlace scrape, a rope burn, and a hairpull.

CT: No doubt about it, Larry Lowbrow has real talent. Yeah, right. It looks like Lowbrow is going for the Punchline! But wait - Sasquatch reverses it and Lowbrow gets thrown off the top rope into the iron gate!

AM: Speaking of iron gates, whatever happened to Identity Crisis Man, who believes he's a wrestler ever since he was a fan that got rammed into the iron gate?

CT: Apparently, he's undergoing some therapy, to restore his amnesia, but trooper that he is, he's still training physically. Lowbrow is being counted out: 1...2...3...4...

AM: Cap, what do you know of this other entrant that Rimshot is scouting? What's the act that Rimshot likes so much?

CT: Actually, from what I've heard, it has something to do with a goat.

AM: That's more information than I really wanted. 8...9...10! It's over, and the Asylum Alliance wins. Okay, Captain Twilight, it's that time again. Do your thing.

CT: Hello once again, and welcome to the Twilight Zone, with me, Captain Twilight. With me tonight, is none other than the Intercontinental Cruiserweight "This is not a Championship Belt but it's close" belt champion, the New Olymp...

JTM: No it i'nt! Yo' guest today is da Rogue's Gallery!(gets in the ring) Now, here be da biggest, da baddest, groupa homies in da STWF, da Rogue's Gallery!

(Cross-Eyed Chris Armstrong and Sweet Candy Andy with Gratuitous Tina, come to the ring.)

Yo Chris, things, they be great hee in da Rogue's Gallery?

Cross-Eyed Chris Armstrong: D-uhh, yupps, you know it! I dunno how t'ings could get better.

CT: (aside) Well, maybe if they actually WON a match...

JTM: You say sum'n, G?

No, not I.

JTM: I di'n think so. Well Andy, man, gochoo a honey I see.

Sweet Candy Andy: You know it, and she's SOOOOOOOOO sweet in so many ways!

JTM: Hey, hee come da MAN. Da Rogue, everybody!

(Crowd boos).

Rogue: What are you guys, a bunch of idiots?! How can you say everything is alright?! The Gallery hasn't won a match since...EVER! Chris, you lost in under a minute to that worthless piece of garbage Michael Wackson. You're a joke! I don't know why you're even in the Rogue's Gallery.

CECA: D-uhh, but boss, you created me!

Rogue: Yeah? And I can destroy you, too. I'll lay it on the line! If you want to stay in the Rogue's Gallery, you've got to beat Sweet Candy Andy right here, right now!

CECA: D-uhh, if dat's what I gotsta do, dokay!

Rogue: Fine, but first - Candyman, what's with the hoe?

SCA: She's my honey!

Rogue: Dump her ass or you can get out of the Rogue's Gallery!

SCA: See you later, Tina. Tell the Friar you was FIIIIINE!

Rogue: Let's do this. Get an extra chair, boys, I'm doing commentary.

AM: I hope you realize this is a gross abuse of your power as an STWF executive.

Rogue: Flattery will get you nowhere, McMadden.

CT: What the hell's wrong with you? Beating on a man with a visual impairment!

Rogue: Are you still here?

***bell rings.

AM: Sweet Candy Andy is just crushing Armstrong. He's got him in the corner and is repeatedly bitch-slapping him.


JTM: Man, you better not dis' da man, G, or I'll slap you silly!

CT: Ooh, I'm scared, what are you going to do?

Rogue: Jamal, let's show him what the Rogue's Gallery can do!

(The Rogue and Mustafa get up. The Rogue picks up a monitor, and is about to smash it over Twilight's head, but instead smashes it on Mustafa's head. Jamal Tupac Mustafa is unconscious. Captain Twilight gets in the ring and lifts Armstrong on his shoulders.)

AM: It was a set-up all along! Captain Twilight has joined the Rogue's Gallery. Sweet Candy Andy now, on the top rope, FLYING PIMP SLAP ON ARMSTRONG! Armstrong is out cold. 1...2...3. Oh, the humanity.

Rogue: Oh come on, McMadden, you love it! The mediocrity of the Rogue's Gallery has ended. And I'll tell you what! Chris, I'll give you a few weeks to train, and at Mexico Madness, Sweet Candy Andy will slap the hell out of you again! Honestly, how could my Gallery be left off a pay-per-view? Until then, I gotta go.

AM: Jamal, are you alright?

JTM: Yeh, I be fine. I don't need him! I'll do just fine on my own. Captain Twilight, you watch out, because I'm gunning for you first!

AM: That's all the time we have. Next week, we'll see DeRanged, the debut of Tony Starks, and possibly Colonel "Pops" Khorne in action. Until then, keep your pants off!

Mike Monroe

[We return to the BOB studio.]

MM: Well, that's it for another edition of Classix. Maybe next time we'll have another guest. But I doubt it. Good morning everybody!

[Fade to black.]

© 2006 BOB Wrestling. Carbon dated for your pleasure!


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