[Styles is standing in front of a giant BOB banner.]
Styles: Hello everyone, and welcome to Brawlers On a Budget's Classix number, uh…what number is this? 18! Right. It's been a while fans. But for all our new fans on G5 TV, we wanted to give you a glimpse into the early years of BOB's near 10-year history. Back on Classix 6 in 2003, Brawlers On a Budget presented the The 36-month (or so) BOB Anniversary Show and the top 10 moments of that time period. So we figured, what better way to introduce everyone to the BOB universe than by showing those top 10 moments here today, well five of them anyhow...
Styles: We begin with Monday Morning Mayhem 11. Fanboy was the reigning "Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind" Hardcore Champion, and he was set to defend that title in the first-ever, Skate or Die match. And oh yes, there will be…extreme!
Mike Monroe: Ok, then let's take you out to the Intercourse Community Skatepark and our special guest commentators, Gonzo and Freekboy from "Thrasher" magazine!
[We cut to the aforementioned skateboard park. Two twenty-somethings are mugging for the camera. In the background, The Deftones are playing on a small stage.]
Freekboy: YEAHHH! Props to ya, Mikey! This is gonna be one radical match, right Gonzo?
Gonzo: You got it, Freek! Should be a bitchin' contest!! Fanboy's playing in Zilla's backyard now!
Freekboy: And here comes the champion! Yo! You need training wheels on that board, Fanboy?
[Fanboy slowly wobbles into shot on a skateboard that is straining beneath his bulk. He gives the commentators the finger. As he does, the Deftones crank up "Feitcetera" The crowd of kids present pop.]
Freekboy: There's Zilla's music! No sign of him yet...
Gonzo: Yo! Check it out! I see him, man! He's playing bass for the Deftones! Five bucks says Fanboy doesn't spot him!
Freekboy: Sucker bet, dude!
Freekboy: Five-string Equalizer! Radical! Fanboys is down early! Zilla picks him up and is choking him with a G-string!
Gonzo: Who's wearing a G-string? Where is she?
Freekboy: Dude, chill! A bass G-string, all right? Zilla grabs a suspiciously-shiny trash container and goes after Fanboy! Kick to the guts by the chubby-boy! Zilla drops the trash can... FACEBUSTER right onto it! That's gotta hurt!
Gonzo: I think it did! Fanboy does a clumsy leg drop onto the back of Zilla's neck! Rolls him over... Zilla kicks out at one!
Freekboy: Fanboy's going for a skateboard! He's gonna smack the hell out of Zilla with it...
Wes: PUT ME DOWN!
Freekboy: Woooo! fanboy drops Wes, The Talking Skateboard in a hurry! Zilla explodes off the ground and spears Fanboy!
Gonzo: And bounced off his fat, blobby gut! What's he doing, man?
Freekboy: Dude! He just stole some kid's bike! He's on it... gnarly! A little hardcore flatland action! Big nose-wheelie... spins it 360 and dings Fanboy with the back wheel!
Gonzo: Radical! Zilla really puts the "extreme" into... "extreme"... sorry, man... that was weak, wasn't it?
Freekboy: Totally... Zilla's off the bike.. he drags Fanboy up to the top of the halfpipe! Big bodyslam on the wood! Slams his face into the coping!
Gonzo: Ooh, a 50/50 facegrind! Sweet! Zilla retrieves Wes... drops into the pipe... picks up speed.. nice height out of the pipe.. Fanboy staggers to his feet...
Freekboy: Sick, sick move! A 540 off Fanboys head, coming in fakie! Fanboy crashes into the pipe! He's out! Zilla pulls a celebratory 360 and lands right on top of him! He's covering! 1...2...3! YEAH! New champion!
MA: Here is your winner.. and NEWWWW "Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind" Hardcore Champion... ZILLA! And the BOSS has decreed that this is now a 24-7 title. Have fun!
Freekboy: Zilla stands and salutes the crowd as Freekboy hands him the belt! He is sooo stoked! Wait up! Another skater just dropped in... Huge 720! Crashes down on Zilla! 1...2...3!! What the hell?
MA: *ahem*.. Here is your winner... and NEWWWW "Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind" Hardcore Champion... TONY HAWK!
Freekboy: Tony Hawk! The legend! He's the new champ! This is sensational! It's bigger than the 900...
Gonzo: OH! The Hawkman just got blindsided by the lead singer of the Deftones! A cover...1...2...3!
MA: Here is your winner.. and NEWWWW "Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind" Hardcore Champion... CHINO MORENO of The Deftones!
Freekboy: Zilla blasts Chino with his skateboard! Chino falls... Zilla's covering! 1...2...3!
MA: Here is your winner…and NEWWWW "Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind" Hardcore Champion...WES!
Gonzo: Okay, so the skateboard made the cover... and here comes the lead singer of Rage against the Machine! A cover…
[Cut back to the ringside area.]
MM: Well, that could take a while to sort out.. we'll bring you the result of our hardcore match later in the program...
SW: And I though WCW was overbooking their matches...
Caption: Later that morning…
Scotty Whatbody: Hey... the producer is telling me we have made some progress in the resolution of the hardcore match! Let's go out to our stand-in ring announcer...
GBH: Duh. One. Duh. Two. Duh. Free. Here is your winner. Duh. And new champee thingee... FREEK BOY!
GBH: Duh. One. Two...
MM: Oh, brother...
Caption: Even later that morning…
[Cut to the skatepark.]
GBH: Duh.. here is winner. And NEW Champ. Duh. ME! Hee...
[Zilla covers the prone GBH and gets a three-count. He quickly grabs the belt, runs into the street and leaps on a city bus. It roars off. Cut back to the ring.]
MA: *ahem*.. Your winner…and TWO-TIME "AYOOYFM" Champion...
[Cut to the skatepark. A statistician is totalling up some figures.]
[Back to the Masked Announcer.]
MA: Whatever. ZILLA!
[Gray static. Back to Styles.]
Styles: OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOD! Moving on. When you hear the words Harvard and wrestling, it usually means you're hearing about brain injuries, thanks to that guy who used to be in "Tough Enough." But concussions aren't the only bad thing to happen to people who went to Harvard. Just look at Billy Polar. He became a zombie. At least twice that we know of. Billy Polar wasn't just a zombie, he actually used to be BOB's ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, he held the Swiss Army Belt, and even was BOB's Commissioner for a time. He was also the braaaaaaaaaaains *ahem* behind HardXcore Polarvision. And when we come back, we'll take a look at HardXcore Polarvision 2 and…Kurt Angel!? Wait, what the hell was the point of all that Billy Polar stuff? *Sigh* We'll be right back after this.
[Gray static. An empty hotel room can be seen with some cheesy porno music playing in the background. Suddenly, a couple bursts through the door. They are ferociously making out and the guy literally has to try and walk with the woman's legs wrapped around his.]
Girl: Oh, Jan. I need you. I want you right now! Do me!
Guy: Ho, yes. I am having the very happy feelings for you, Hot American Woman! You are my best, how you say, birch? You are being the one very fine baby. Yes, we must doing it soon. Ohk, no. (he slaps his head) I am having, what is word, forgotting? I have for to forgotting. We are no have--have--
Girl: (looking annoyed) Protection?
Guy: Yes, this is it.
[Suddenly some guy in a red, white, and blue singlet jumps through the window.]
KA: Never fear! The All-American Brand Condom Guy is here!
Guy: (looking surprised and startled) Ohhhkh-hello.
KA: Hi! My name's Kurt Angel. Being earthbound humans, you might not have heard of me before. But so what? If you've got a hot date, I'll always be there. (points to the camera and winks) For you. Introducing the new All-American Brand condoms™. Good enough for God. Good enough for you. They just don't solve the problem of unwanted pregnancy. They work to prevent it. With our new super-acidic condoms, our patented formula penetrates your penis and works to actually LOWER your sperm count from the inside. That's right, I said "lower"! Let's face it, people. These days, love costs. Let's save our country some welfare money and stay protected, alright? Besides, you can't win a Gold Medal if you don't protect yourself. That's All-American Brand condoms. Don't tap any bitches without one!
Guy: Ohhk, thanks Mr. American Condom Man. Ohhhhhk. I am to owing you one.
[A creaking bed can be heard as the camera focuses in on Kurt Angel. He is watching the proceedings with a confused look on his face.]
KA: Golly, you don't see THAT in heaven....
Guy: Oh, ja, baby. OOOh-hoh-hooooo! You have the very big, what is the word, doggies? Czech plees!
MM: I can't believe it! Kurt Angle's doing commercials for BOB now?
SW: My how the mighty have fallen. What times we are a-livin' in.
Nurse Heidi: Kurt who?
Billy Polar: Get with the program, you guys. That wasn't Kurt Angle, that was Kurt Angel.
MM: Oh. Okay.
[Gray static. Back to Styles.]
Styles: The early days of BOB were highlighted by an epic feud between Justin Voss and Viet Kong over the Swiss Army Belt. But that feud never would've happened if Justin Voss didn't first win the belt. Well, win is a bit of a strong word. How did he get the Swiss Army Belt? You're about to find out as we go back to Monday Morning Mayhem 1...
[Gray static. Cut to the YMCA Gym in Havoc, West Virginia.]
Mike Monroe: Well, as the lights dim, here comes The BigBOSS, to do the "Swiss Army" Belt draw! Our first title to be decided right here!
["Taking Care of Business" by Bachmann Turner Overdrive plays as The BigBOSS enters the arena. He appears to be 5'2", but this is deceptive…he's wearing lifts. His personal valet, Miss Behave is on his arm, and his three hulking bodyguards Lock, Shock, and Barry are behind him. He enters the ring. His bodyguards flank him.]
The BigBOSS: (Just audibly) Could you three move back, please! I feel like I'm at the bottom of a well!
[Lock, Shock and Barry take a step back.]
BigB: Thank you. Ladies and Gentlemen.. WELCOME TO BOB!
BigB: Thank you for that large round of indifference! I'm here at this time to draw a name from the Big Barrel and crown our first ever "Swiss Ar..".. what is it?
Lock: We sold the Big Barrel...sorry.
BigB: Well, why doesn't someone tell me these things! What have we got, instead?
Shock: A bucket.
BigB: Fine. I'm here to draw a name from the Medium-sized Bucket and crown our first champion! Barry...The Bucket please!
[He rummages around for a few seconds, probably trying to give the illusion of a fuller roster.]
BigB: And the winner.. and NEWWWWWWW "Swiss Army Belt" Champion is.... "THE STEREOTYPED FACE" JUSTINNNNN VOSS!
["If You're Happy and You Know It, Clap Your Hands!" is sung by a group of enthusthiastic 8-year-olds. The crowd joins in as Justin Voss sprints out from the locker room. He leaps into the crowd and proceeds to shake the hand of every fan present. (It's really lucky we don't have a large fanbase yet, or this could take ages!) He finally hits the ring and is handed the belt.]
JV: You LIKE me! You really LIKE me!!
BigB: Congratulations, Justi..
JV: Hey, look, it's got a corkscrew! And what's this.. wow, scissors!
BigB: I said, well done..
JV: Should I put it on? Or does it look better over my shoulder?
BigB: Are you even listening to me?
JV: CHEER ME! (The crowd pops.) CHEER ME AGAIN! (Bigger Pop)
BigB: That's IT!!! Because of your lack of respect, and in a cheap attempt to gain a quasi-heel status, I'm ordering you to defend that title, LIVE, TONIGHT! Against a MYSTERY OPPONENT!
SW: All right, an angle already!
BigB: That's right! Entourage, follow me!
MM: Well, what an amazingly cliched development! The Stereotyped Face will have to put up or shut up in tonight's main event!
GBH: ..if you happy an' you knows it, clap your hands.. (CLAP CLAP)
MM: The songs finished, GBH..
GH: Huh? What's dat? What dat ting dere?
SW: That's your hand, GBH…
[Gray static. Back to Styles.]
Styles: Wow. What a moment. And who would that mystery opponent be? Maybe you'll find out some day, especially if you order the complete episode from our Web site! Just go to http://www.bobwrestling.com/archives.html to find all the BOB shows from BOB's glorious history, including some with commentary. All major credit cards accepted, and even some minor ones. Right. Checks, cash and money orders. Send payable to, who the hell is Hello? Mrs. Behave's kitty? I hope you mean an animal. Oh, I get it. Hello Kitty? Very clever. I guess cats don't have to pay taxes. Moving on.
Styles: A dark period in BOB's history was when we found out that those evil French-Canadians were illegally bootlegging our pay-per-views. Needless to say, we put those jokers out of business, got a huge settlement, and now are making a killing on all their work to this day. One pay-per-view they were bootlegging? Le-Pay-By-Sight (On Pay-By-Sight). Let's take a look at how the match of Sasquatch and Massawa vs. Jim "Totally Packaged" and Josh "Massive Man." Both the number one contender's spot for the "YGHF" tag-team titles and the "AYOOYFM" hardcore title was on the line. And the crowd goes monkey!
[Gray static. Cut to Bovine, Alabama.]
MA: Mesdames and Messrs, this next contest is placed for a fall or some other unforeseen something or other which are raised to cause some kissed to the top of the completion. It is for the spot of the candidate of the number one for the titles of label-team of "YGHF" and the title of hardcore of "ayooyfm". The presentation initially, representing the Dungeon of Deaf-Mute, accompanied by Flaskmaster, this is. SASQUATCH AND MASSAWA, THE GIANT OF SOMALIAN!
[Drums tribals are heard with a mixture of dance of "Are My Frankenstein" by Alice Cooper like saunter threesome crawling in bottom of the side to a chorus of the boos. Flaskmaster drinks corn salad with great corn mouthfuls and spits it with a ventilator planted for instantaneous heat of heel and leads the nuts of ringsiders. Sasquatch slowly takes a step in the ring and the gimlets, making fall one from its bolts of Frankenstein its neck. The stages of Massawa above the higher cord and some unhappy ventilators in the front line obtain a desired outline n/n its left ball when it jumped out of its trunks going above higher bank. I know there was a briefing in the pre-chart which informed all the fighters to carry belts of jock. But what can we make? It is Somalian and perhaps it did not include/understand. Or because it is probably underfed the only thing on its spirit was then large a imper (not McGwire Mark)]
MA: And their adversaries, representing the State Krew de Kent. "Completely Packed" Josh and the champion of hardcore of "ayooyfm ", "The Massive Man" Jim.this, "IS MASSIVELY PACKED"!
[Eddie B turns "Fingerbang You All The Night a Long Time, Girl" by Fingerbang, a.k.a. the band of boy of the park of the south. The strut of Josh and Jim to the ring as horde of the girls pre-pubescent are assembled with rambardes, the snap five of duet and distribute a few rations of oats of cheek to the women of still-with-flower who will replace soon their posters of wall of Backstreet Boys/N' Sync pushes by sheath X and O promo recently made by Josh and Jim. They jump to bell-foot in the ring and a strong acclamation is heard.]
Millimetre: Good sorrow! When these types did become so popular? I thought them were heels.
Switch: Billy made large a remballage massively "Massively Packed Work." Move you above a tiny-bopper of Ricky and Robert, Shawn and Marty, Edge and Christian, Matt Insane Label-Team and of Jeff, and even of Farooq and Bradshaw.there news downtown!
Millimetre: Well, it could be because these types fight two grotesque monsters, wire by a lush also feeling reluctant with the animated drawing is bolted on its head.
Switch: No manner, man! These types are next crushing pre-of adolescence! Rick Springfield never had it this good!
Coma: Did somebody see my lambda? Poink! Humidify the scrunchie, I ENTER!
Millimetre: Ooooookay, and there is the bell! To resemble it will be Frankensquatch against the field of hardcore, Jim Beaucoup going up on this one for Jim, he puts his title on the line and could put a chance at the belts of label!
Switch: Good call, Carmen Santiago. Now, appear this one outside: why Sasquatch does it resemble Frankenstein when it is ' sposed to resemble Bigfoot?
Millimetre: Garde-robe mix-towards the top or something, then it stuck. Who worries? OOOOH! Care of Jim on this subject! Sasquatch just gave him an end with head punt breaker! Blow-of-foot of Nice with these boots of elevator of Gene Simmons! The 11"géant 6' showing that size MADE matter.he' S handling the field much smaller!
Switch: Whips through, slide of baseball by the legs by Jim, it is quickly on its feet. DROPKICK! Sasquatch is not descended. Another dropkick! Josh is in..DOUBLE DROPKICK!
Millimetre: Sasquatch in addition to its feet! Josh out.now back Jim the label behind inside. Scampers of Josh to the top of the pivot, waiting..waiting..Sasquatch fight with its body across feet..high! ONE..TWO...
Switch: Easy Kickout! Sasquatch is help, catches Josh charging inside of a throat grasp..CHOKESLAM! Defect of the sound reproduction, fast change of dash there.
Millimetre: Josh resembles a fish out of water the manner that it effond on the plait like labels of Sasquatch in Massawa, instructions of cry of Flaskmaster of the floor! Massawa always has its mask drink some above! Wait.he removes him and of the Josh hats of cranium with him! It is legal! The title of hardcore is on the line in this match! No duh. And me called you Carmen Santiago? Painting of face of tic-TAC-toe of Nice by the giant of Somalian, moreover. Now what? It coats that horseshoe design crimson in addition to its belly and is now make-up of friction in the eyes of Josh! Brutal! Better Jim return inside there before it loses his belt!
Switch: Well, it is what obtains it to be so stupid to put to the top A chooses the title in a match of label-team! Some weak blows of axe coming from Massawa..now it throws Josh close to the cords where Flaskmaster starts to block the crap out of him while Massawa discusses with and distracts the reference! Healthy tactics of heel here!
Coma: Jim had enough! He writes the ring and cuts the knee of Massawa! The generic reference driving out it now support while written Sasquatch and beats its hands, deceiving G.R. in thinking a label was made!
Millimetre: Neep! Oingo Boingo played of phase to my college. My sister had a triangle of love of amputee and apparaîte on Springer!
Switch: Hé switch, of Mike.you and Coma which your manuscripts support before everyone obtains completely confused. Ok?
Millimetre: Whew! During one second there I thought somebody forgot to close a label of police force and I had to be Coma the remainder of the night! Thank you, Scotty!
Switch: Do not mention it.
Millimetre: Sasquatch raising Josh for a bodyslam..Josh slips in bottom of large of the back man! Josh now places the chin of Sasquatch against the top of its head, the falls down.chinbreaker! Collapses of Sasquatch and the young acute cry girls! Josh with a bearing forwards with its label of corner.hot with Jim!
(Jim starts to write the ring, then fixed stops and glances outside in crowd. He awaits response.gets favorable he hop females dreamers of the ventilator base.then of the carpenter in addition to apron and draws large, hessian bag of lower part the ring. Crowd goes monkey.)
Millimetres: It Is BEARING PEDESTAL BRIDGE AND SUBSTANCE Of O HARDCORE OF The SAC Them '! The businesses are about to begin again!
Switch: Oh ouais! Obtain the ready blades! It is action of LEAD PPV! Only on PPV!
Millimetre: Jim fishes around the fact bag... and COMES OUTSIDE the CLUB COATED OUT OF RUBBER from BARBED WIRE! He synchronized Sasquatch with him! Massawa is inside and catches a projectile with the arm!
Switch: It must sandwich catch friggin '! Good sorrow, looking at it right marks I famished!
Millimetre: Josh now seeking the precut stick of brush of plundering of hardcore...! How' D which adapted in a bag? Who worries?! Josh slips the sweeper between the movements of the legs... Jim de Massawa around behind Somalian and seizes the top of the brush. Both with a fast elevator upwards!
[Close-up Microphone and Scotty, they grimacent noticably. Coma continuous to chew on its stand mic as if nothing occurred.]
Millimetres: Jim covers Massawa! One... two... save by Sasquatch! Josh obtained little too close to the cords and assumed a presidency drawn with the back from Flaskmaster! This one breaks up!
Switch: Rupture? This thing is already broke all with the hell!
Coma: Cindy Brady had braids of armour of hair! Ask whoever!
Switch: Sasquatch found the sign obligatory, of hardcore of match of road and the Jim levelled just! Massawa released its cobwebs and assembles the top! It could be the collapse of belly of Somalian!
Millimetre: Hé, you are a poèt and did not know it! Wait one minute! Massawa caught the updraft caused by the ventilator of exhast located on the roof! Its gaufrette the body that thin A took the flight! The hope there is a surplus of rambarde which ventilates!
Switch: Defect of the sound reproduction! Look at to it float far!
Coma: Ventilators, we will have a short interruption.
Switch: Devil?! An interruption in the medium of a match? Do microphone, we have all advertising films?
Millimetre: Just one, Scotty....
Switches: Kids, I know them a sleeping partner of the type... but does not buy this crap. Moreover, to kill out of the people is really stupid.
Millimetre: Well, not much changed during the cut
[cut with the ring. Sasquatch attaches adhesive tape to a blister of foot caused by its large boots of ass. Jim puts back the Indian model in his own Solitaire of play making the corner. Josh is with the ringside causing to the top of a girl and hoping for figures]
Millimetre: What Josh does it make?
Switch: Ouais! This girl is as 14 years of!
Josh: Hé, man... if there is grass at once, I intensify with the dish!
[Immediately, two men wearing the generic shirts of personnel of safety approach Josh and carry out far it. Looking at the backs of their shirts, they read pirns of wire of Morailty de Bob "" of police force" of thought of "STWF]
Millimetre: DEFECT OF THE SOUND REPRODUCTION! Josh was apprehended! Massawa is wedged on the roof! It is to the bottom of Jim and Sasquatch!
Switch: Not more! Sasquatch just planted this 5 Po thickness, the single head of Jim of upstream of boot! At the moment even where it was ready to run the platform too! ONE... two... three! Sasquatch gained the title! Here to come Flaskmaster!
Millimetre: Hold above! Sasquatch seizes Flaskmaster! SALAD GUNNER! It IS The ROMAN GRASS! He;s in the costume of Frankenstien! Where is Sasquatch TRUTH?
Switch: I dunno, the north-western Pacific?
[the cut with the background, another man in a costume of Frankenstein is seen attached to a chair... held with the compartment by looking at at the same time slightly domesticated, however threatening, wooly henchman. Wooly henchwoman? A sheep of goddamn, ok? I did not seek the sexual organs.]
Switches: Drawn grass wools above everyone eyes in this one, ummmmm... thus to speak.
MA: Mesdames and Messrs, champion.....HEEEEEEeeeeeeeb ROOooooooooooMAINE of NEEEEEEEEEEEEW the "ayooyfm "Hardcore!
Millimetre: Ok now... which is the candidates of the number one for the titles of label-team?
[Flicks of thingee of Bob-tron above. It Is Billy Polaire.]
Not Boiling: Hello there, you amphibious of Alabama! Polar is I, Billy, being the police chief of this discharge of pond... have already, because of my fast spirit and queintellegence uncanny, far above that from the mortal man, where was I? Oh, I ouais fixed this situation in nanosecond. Since I am very smart, I WENT To HARVARD, DAMMIT! The Goo State and the Small Pies of Kent de Dung of will subdue both face the champions of label-team MMM to 16! If it is slope of lip of herpes and Slur Dingapot or the belts of Jockey of Ambulance, all two you of the goobers obtain the projectile after MMM. I spoke for me am divine. You will obey me or I will have outside the gouge of Li' lPeppy your eyes with a ventilated burrito! As will you make?
[The screen shorts-circuit out of and goes to the static head]
Switch: There is your answer, microphone. Questions?
Millimetre: Is Ouais, which next? I must hurry upwards and make leave to the bad taste that the disorder my mouth.
Switch: Test a certain range, buddy.
Coma: NURFLE! Ouais, your breathe the kicks like janv. Stenerud!
Styles: Our last spectacular moment we'll look at today comes to us from Sunday Morning Chloroform 2. Once again, involving the Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore title. The two men? Mr. X and Seth Harker. Harker, now BOB's Figurehead, at the time of this show was the reigning AYOOYFM champion, but he would not leave on this night as the champion. But neither would Mr. X. It's one of the most shocking moments in BOB's history. And it's next.
[Gray static. Cut to Mianus, Connecticut.]
Masked Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the MAIN EVENT of SUNDAY MORNING CHLOFORORM. *Ahem* Er, CHLOROFORM. And it is for the Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind Championship, of the WORLD. Are you ready?
MA: Mianus, are, you reeeeeeeeeeeeeady?
MA: Then, for the dozens of loyal viewers, and the hundreds who will find the show by accident with an odd, disturbing Internet search on Google. Ladies and gentlemen. Let's get ready to BUMBULLLLLLLLLLLL.
[Eddie B plays "Woke Up This Morning" by A3. Out walks Mr. X.]
MA: From Fahgettaboutit. He weighs I ain't sayin' nuthin', Mr. X!
Styles: And here comes Mr. X in the biggest match of his life.
SW: Yeah, he probably won't get another title shot. Which is saying something, since there are 47 championships here.
[The TinyTron lights up and we are just barely able to make out some words on it:
MA: And his opponent. From Parts Unknown…somewhere in the vicinity of New Zealand, weighing 217 pounds, and representing the incurable Apathy disorder, he is the Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Champion. Seth, HARKER.
[He steps out to "The Right Time" by the Hoodoo Gurus, decked out in his usual leather trenchcoat and sunglasses. The crowd lets out a huge cheer. Seth no-sells it. A fan throws a soda cup at him. No reaction. Man, just like his BSCW bio says!]
Styles: What's this?
[Backstage, Trey Vincent and Steve Studnuts are heading towards the exit.]
Trey Vincent: There's only one way I can deal with all this amazing crap. Let's go get drunk.
Steve Studnuts: Fine with me. Let's blow this place like some lucky ho-ore who's gonna be blowing us later.
[Back at the ring, Seth is squinting at the TinyTron in disbelief. He shrugs and finishes his entrance.]
Mark Shill: The iAd has left Harker ON HIS OWN. I sense a RIFT within the iAd! Could it be FALLING APART BEFORE OUR VERY EYES?
SW: You do realize Seth is wrestling Mr. X?
[DING DING DING]
Styles: Our main event is about to GET EXTREMELY HARDCORE!
MS: It's TIME.
Styles: Harker charges and connects with a spinning heel kick. He drops the title on the mat and picks up Mr. X for a BRUTAL short arm clothesline!
SW: Man, here goes Harker again. Trying to WRESTLE with one of the BOB-sters.
Styles: Harker with a springboard moonsault!
MS: The crowd is electric!
SW: What do you expect? It's the first real moves we've seen tonight!
Styles: Now Harker with a snap suplex. Now he's heading up to the top rope! OH MY GOD! A frog splash! The Darksider is in TOTAL CONTROL.
MS: MR. X is DEAD!
Styles: What the hell is this? Xamfir has just gone into the ring and is doing the Snoopy Dance! OH NO. Harker's got the AYOOYFM Title Belt!
MS: HE HIT HIM!
S: Harker's still got the belt! OH MY! Mr. X with a superkick! THE AYOOYFM BELT CRACKS HARKER'S SKULL! That's EXTREME!
Mr. X: OWWWWW, my GROIN! OWWWWWWWWW.
MS: What a manuever.
Styles: But Mr. X is grabbing at his groin. He may have pulled it.
SW: Bwahahaha. Pulled his groin!
Styles: Well…you know what I mean. Get your mind out of the gutters! Wait a minute? What is the ref doing?
Generic Ref: Where does it hurt?
MX: I ain't sayin' nuthin'.
Generic Ref: Can you continue the match?
MX: What's a match?
GR: You're fighting for the AYOOYFM championship!
MX: Hey yo, yo hey, who sez I'm fighting for anything?
[Generic Ref smacks his forehead. Then he turns around.]
SW: What is he doing?
Styles: What the hell?
[DING DING DING]
MS: What…what…what have we just seen here?
MA: You want me to announce what?
[Generic Ref picks up the AYOOYFM Title.]
MA: The winner of the match…and NEWWWW, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FRICKIN' MIND CHAMPION…*sigh* The ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FRICKIN' MIND CHAMPIONSHIP BELT!
Styles: OH MY GOD! The Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind Championship has won itself? I think the universe is about to collapse in on itself.
MS: This is the single most AMAZING moment I have ever witnessed.
SW: You know…every BOB show I think I've seen THE SINGLE MOST retarded thing I can see. Then I go to the next show…
Styles: Uh oh. We've got company! BIVALVE is in the ring! HE SPEARS THE TITLE BELT! Right out of Generic Ref's hands! Cover!
MS: "LOONY" LENNY WITH A LOONY LANDING.
Styles: And it breaks up the cover. Lenny is stomping away on the title belt. He's stomping a mud hole in the title. Cover.
Styles: And it's Jean Bannister! He hits Lenny with a hockey stick! And he cracks Bivavle over the skull with the stick. Both men are down. It's just Bannister and the Title, one on one.
MS: OH, what a crack. He nailed the belt with the hockey stick! He makes the cover!
SW: He just crushed Bannister with a Six-Star Frog Splash. He tosses Bannister out of the ring.
Styles: Wait a minute. I know what's going on here. Everyone who DIDN'T win a title on the last show is trying to get some gold now!
SW: Is that really any justification?
MS: WHAT A MOVE! That's got to be it.
Styles: The New Age Inlaws have hit the ring!
SW: They might want to break up the pin attempt?
Styles: And they just make it in time. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch.
SW: When's the dancing coming?
RVD: Start dancing Jim!
Styles: Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch.
MS: Billy's going for the cover!
Styles: Billy just picked up the TITLE!
BB: No, no, no. It ain't had enough yet!
Styles: Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. OH AND RVD with a spin kick! That was STIFF!
RVD: Stupid American.
Styles: Billy with an Unfamouser on the AYOOYFM Belt! COVER!
MS: RVD makes the save just in the nick of time! He heads to the top rope. Six-Star Frog Splash on Jim. He heads back up top. SIX-STAR FROG SPLASH on Billy! He heads back up….split-legged moonsault onto the title! COVER!
SW: Now Dyslexic Avenger is in the ring.
Styles: He picks RVD up. Drop Dyslexic! DA picks up the title! Drop Dyslexic on the belt.
MS: The belt is OUT COLD!
SW: Nobody can pin a friggin' title?
SW: Sculder? Oh, COME ON!
Styles: Whoa. Sculder with a cover!
MS: What a move?
Crowd: ONE. TWO. GRRRRRRR!
SW: It's the Big Sir! Sir Hungalot is in to get hardcore!
Styles: Hungalot tosses Avenger to the floor and looks down at the title. Oh NO! He's going for the G-Spot! He's got it locked in!
MS: Will the belt TAP OUT?
SW: This segment just gets worse and worse…
Styles: XXXtreme Machine is in the ring!
Styles: But he walks right into a G-spot!
MS: XXXtreme Machine tapped!
Styles: So what? He's not in the match! He's not the champion!
SW: he's just a puss-
MS: Unoriginal Man! He grabs The Big Sir and locks HIM into the G-Spot!
SW: Now he's ripping off BOB characters?
MS: THE SNAPMARE KID IS HERE!!
Styles: And he's cleaning HOUSE! SNAPMARE on Unoriginal Man! And he is OUT!
MS: What a BEAUTIFUL move!
Styles: And Sir Hungalot feels the SNAPMARE! OH MY GOD! What SNAP! And there goes XXXTREME MACHINE! Snapmare Kid has laid EVERYONE OUT!
MS: And listen to that crowd!
Crowd: PIN THE DAMN BELT! PIN THE DAMN BELT!
Styles: SNAPMARE KID HITS A SNAPMARE ON THE TITLE! OH NO! He appears to have hurt his wrist!
SW: Oh no!
MS: AND. IT'S DEATH!
Styles: Death is in the ring. OH MY GOD! He just KILLED the AYOOYFM belt! This one has got to be over!
SW: Only Coma would be dumb enough to come in and take a title away from Death.
MS: Coma, holder of the Up Yo' Ass Sucka title and Intercontinental Cruiserweight "This Is Not A Championship Belt But It's Close" has got the AYOOYFM Champion. And he's running away with it? What is this all about?
Styles: Death is staring at Coma. He's stumped.
SW: We all are. Why is Coma stealing the Title. And the champion?
Styles: I guess this is a hot closer.
SW: If you say so…
[Gray static. Back to Styles.]
Styles: Well, that's gonna do it for this installment of Classix. But we'll be back in a few weeks with five more huge moments in BOB's history, including some huge matches involving the Pan-Galactic Title and THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, and the greatest death scene of all time.
©2008 BOB Wrestling!
Styles: Don't forget to order UnFOURgiven, when it becomes available, and tune in right here next week for iMPLOSION! Good night everybody!