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Classix Logo

CLASSIX 6!

The 36-month (or so) BOB Anniversary Show!

[Fade up on the parking lot of Mann's Chinese Theatre, Hollywood. We then pan left, to Mannys' Theatre and Kosher Deli. A long, threadbare red(ish) carpet extends to the street. Both sides are thinly peopled with BOB fans and photographers from the lesser-known tabloids. Plus a camera crew from the E! Entertainment Network. Like anyone watches THAT! We cut to GBH and Coma, bedecked in tuxedos for the occasion. GBH's tux looks big enough to house political asylumn seekers in, while Comas has been "customised". (Neon pink suspenders, spinning bow-tie and flashing cufflinks in the shape of reindeers.)]

GBH: Duh. Hi! Welcome to the. Umm. Thing. Ee. Yur. The big thing. Ummm. Ee. Yur.

Coma: Ladies and Gentlemen, it's Yuri Gellar and the Amazing Spoon-Benders Band! Play that funky hornpipe, Francois!

[CAPTION: Welcome to the BOB 36-Month Anniversary Spectacular! Celebrating the GREATEST Low-Budget Wrestling Federation in the World!]

GBH: Duh. Yur. Big night ahead. Cool. Awards and stuff. Yur.

Coma: But that's just the tip of the antelope! There's also the Super-Bonus Round, where every correct answer wins you a poke in the buttocks with a pointed stick!

[CAPTION: And tonight we'll have celebrity guests! Former BOB superstars! And the occasional silly noise.]

Coma: NARF!

[CAPTION: Like that!]

GBH: Duh. Here come someone now.

[A stretched VW Beetle pulls up at the curb. A short-ish wrestler in a sharp tuxedo emerges and waves a cap at the assembled fans. One girl screams, then stops when no-one joins in.]

GBH: Duh. Who dat?

[Running footsteps. Styles sprints into shot.]

Styles: OH MY GOD!

GBH: Duh. Where you come from?

Styles: That's former "You Gotta Have Friends" Tag Champ, GOFFER! I wonder where his mail-order partner Pzresmlwvk is?

GBH: Duh. Him stuck in door of car.

[Not wanting a potentially embarrasing photo to appear in the dirt-sheets, Goffer tries to distract the press with some martial arts moves.]

Goffer: GO-GO GOFFER PUNCH!

Coma: GO-GO GOFFER FLYING HAMSTER!

Goffer: GO-GO-GOFFER KICK!

Coma: GO-GO GOFFER EXPLODING TESTICLE!

GBH: Duh. GO-GO-GOFFER YUR!

Styles: And another show gets off to a terrific start. *sigh*

GBH: Hee. Me going inside now.

[We cut inside the auditorium. Various BOB superstars are seated at tables, sucking down the free booze like there's no tomorrow. The director decides we needs some atomsphere, so we pan a few tables. At one, we catch a glimpse of Kamikazie Ken and Insano Mano, using blintzes to act out their Suicida Death Match for Spaceduck and Spacecop.]

IM: ...Y era como... °cAuge! °Sangre derramada! °Sangre derramada! °Sangre derramada! °Y allÌ vamos, tragamos el pasillo, encima de las escaleras, m·s all· el del snackbar y derecho hacia fuera en el muelle de cargamento de la madre-humping! °La lanza del siglo, hombre!

=<>: SHUT UP BEFORE I KILL YOU AND RAPE YOUR CORPSE!

KK: Whoa. I think we just found our next feud, Insano...

IM: Usted aint apenas que silba Dixie, hermano...

[Behind them is a table comprising StreetMime II, Art Teery and "Cap" Al Larrie of the Universal Donors and XXXtreme Machine.]

XM: man y am i at tihs tabdle u gyus suk ishood b at teh coool ghys tabel

SM II: " "!

Art: Ooh, them's fighting words!

[Meanwhile, across the room.]

The Domino: Kay, your royalty check bounced this month.

Kay Fabe: The Lesbians Check bounced? How 'bout Kay Fabe slips you the Lesbians Tongue to make up for it?

[Long pause]

The Domino: I'd really prefer the money...

[Meanwhile, The Kent State Krew rip into a live version of "Girl, I'll Make a Woman Out of You (Since Mother Nature Hasn't Done it Yet)", with Da Sassy Bitch subbing for Brandon. "Creative Differences", apparently. Meanwhile, a cold six-pack of Millers Genuine Draft appears in the Dettached Narrators booth.]

[Cheers!]

MM: Ladies and Gentlemen... WELCOME to BOB's 36-MONTH ANNIVERSAY! I'm Mike "The Monotone" Monroe!

BVD: Dood!

GBH: Duh. I'm. Ummm. What my name again? Ummm.... GBH. Yur.

BVD: Dooood!

SW: And I'm Scotty Whatbody!

BVD: WhatEVER!

MM: And tonight will be a Historic Moment in the annals of History! Join us as we trace the glorious history of BOB! From its humble, cash-strapped past to its humble, cash-strapped present. And so, without further ado... Let the show BEGIN!

[Fade to black.]


[Emotional piano music plays as a sepia-toned shot of the "Welcome to Havoc, West Virginia" sign fades up. A cheering crowd can be heard in the background as we cross-fade to a slow-mo pan across the gym of the Havoc YMCA.]

Voice-Over: Thirty-six months ago... give or take a month, depending on when we secure a timeslot for this show... a new force emerged in the world of Pro Wrestling. The brainchild of a man. No, not a man... a Visionary. A Legend in his own lifetime... Stewart "BigBOSS" Granger.

[Slow-mo shots from the first Monday Morning Mayhem float across the screen, accompanied by ghostly sound-bites.]

Mike Monroe: Welcome... to MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM!

Scotty Whatbody: (Slow-mo) Woooooooo-hoooooo!

GBH: (Even slower slo-mo) Duuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh. Whut?

BigBOSS: (Not-quite-so-slo-mo) Hello, Havoc!

Kid in crowd: (Slow-mo) You suck!

BigBOSS: (Normal speed) Eject that kid and edit this out!

[Shots from the first Mayhem matches follow, although various things have been mosiaced out. Early sponsers, disused logos, Scuzz, that sort of thing.]

Voice-Over: From these humble beginnings, BOB has scaled the heights of mediocrity, assaulted the fortress of incompetancy and been swept on the tide of bad booking decisions to reach its glorious peak! The BOB 36-Month Anniversary Awards!

[Generic Fanfare #34 in E Flat Major for Trumpet, Clarinet and Casio Electric Organ by Eddie B. plays as we fade out. It's replaced by a Cheesy Rock Riff and we cut to a montage of the highlights(?) from BOB TV.]

Among the clips we see
- Hardcore JJ mouthing a 'What?' while holding a Pepsi
- Luke Warm with a Yoo-Hoo
- BigBOSS on the moon hoisting the American flag
- Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" in bra and panties.
- "Slightly Gay" Ray threatening to "Show the Worm"
- Zilla winning the AYOOYFM title in a half-pipe
- Blackjack Hooligan drinking beer
- BigBOSS delivering a baby
- Jim and Josh double-legdropping Bubba Gump
- Pzremslwvk being fired
- Blackjack Hooligan drinking another beer
- Justin Voss pinning Viet Kong for the Swiss Army belt
- Lord Sexbat getting spanked by "Bloody Mary"
- Blackjack Hooligan drinking direct from a keg
- StreetMime II getting pummeled in a variety of amusing fashions
- Blackjack Hooligan up-chucking into someone else's gym bag
- Sir Hungalot threatening to show "The Boa Constrictor"
- Billy Polar talking
- Sir Killalot finally winning the OWTTM belt
- Luke Warm STONECUTTING the ring post
- Kamikazie Ken and Insano Mano exploding in stuff
- BigBOSS running from the police
- Urine rubbing his crotch
- Death killing Ultimate Mussel with his scythe
- Sarah and Kay Fabe kissing
- BigBOSS saving a kitten from a tree
- Scotty getting the Dookie Face from the Pope
- BigBOSS, LilBOSS and Miss Behave sharing a laugh at some underlings expense
- The Undietaker ripping some undies
- BVD with his foam 2x4 and a Japanese flag
- Coma being dragged on a sled by Dobermans
- Mr. Intensity lighting himself on fire
- XXXtreme Machine sucking
- BigBOSS drawing names from the Medium-Sized Bucket
- Kurt Angel ascending to Heaven
- Kamikazie Ken crashing through a hell in a cell
- BigBOSS playing NHL '98
- Totally Face totally singing for a bunch of screaming girls
- Masked Announcer shrugging.
- Stinkbutt Nastyass blasting Little Good with a fireball fart
- Generic Ref trying to count to 10
- "Keep paying for our pay-per-view!"
- The iAd in black and white, looking cool
- Scene missing
- BOB in the fiery pits of Hell
- BigBOSS smiling evilly


[We cut to the assembled BOB-sters, who give a rousing (And slightly-drunken) cheer. Blackjack Hooligans table is already leaning to the left under the weight of his empty beer bottles. "Loony" Lenny is spotted, sporting a canvas bowtie to match his formal straitjacket. Who knew they made them with tails? Meanwhile, a second six-pack appears in the Detached Narrators booth.]

MM: All right, folks! Let's get the show rolling with our first award presentation! And here to present it, our very first Ring Announcer... SCUZZ!

SW: Oh, THIS should be good...

[Scuzz stumbles on-stage, a bottle of the complimentary Domestic Sparkling Wine clutched in one hand. GBH swivels him around to actually face the podium after a few seconds.]

Scuzz: Th' firs'awa... awardid... th' Eye Can'y Award. *hic* Anna nom'nees are....

MTV-Styled Voice Over: THE "CHEAP RATINGS PLOY" EYE CANDY AWARD! KAY FABE!

["I Kissed a Girl" by ??? plays as we get a snappy montage of Kay in action...]

SW: WOO-HOO!

[Not THAT sort of action, Drooly McWhatbody! Cutting promos, delivering the Lesbians Tongue, Peeling bananana.. bannan.. soft fruit. *hic* Scuse me. These are intercut with a BOB fan wearing nothing but a pair of Bananas in Pajaymas underpants and carrying a "Peel THIS, Kay!" sign.]

MTV-V/O: CANDY CANTELOUPES!

["Girls on Film" by Duran Duran is cued as we cut to a shot of an ugly chick with mammoth, deformed breasts. The entire crowd recoils with an audible "Urrgh!". Cut to a shot of Candy at her table, looking furious.]

CC: That is NOT me!

Sir Hungalot: But she IS the reason your Web site is so popular...

[Cut to Da Sassy Bitch, who's still contemplating the woman on screen.]

DSB: That's terrifying... but I'd give her one in an emergency, you know what I mean? (Spots the camera, grabs his drink) I mean, anyone want a slurp on my cock...tail? Tee-hee!

MTV-V/O: NURSE HEIDI!

[The J. Geils Bands' "Centerfold" cranks up as we watch a montage of Nurse Heidi repeatedly slapping Scotty Whatbody. Including a shot of her backhanding him in the street, and one of her kneeing him in the 'nads during rehersal.]

MTV-V/O: SARAH, THE JOBBER SLAYER!

["We Changed Three Notes and it's a Different Key, So it's Not a Rip-off" by The Nurf-Ball Herders plays, along with Sarahs promo video. It's a thirty-second long static shot of her kicking StreetMime. Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick. Did I mention she's wearing skin-tight lycra? Work it, Sarah! Kick!]

MTV-V/O: BARBIE "THE BRIDE" BANNER!

["The Wedding March (Funkee Wagner Scratchin' Fever Remix)" hits as we get some faded footage of Barbies' BOB carreer. We cut to her table to see her making goo-goo eyes at Zilla.]

Barbie: It's Barbie "The Divorcee" Banner now... feelin' lucky, Mr. Tightbuns?

Zilla: SNOOTCHIE BOOTCHIES! YES!

[Back to Scuzz]

Scuzz: 'N th' winner ish...

[Long, uncomfortable pause.]

SW: Could someone help him open the envelope please?

RIPPPP!!

SW: Yeah, thanks GBH... can we get a roll of Sellotape, please?

Scuzz: Uhhh... th' winna 's... NURS' HEIDI!

[Huge drunken pop as Heidi heads to the stage, deftly avoiding attempted gropes en route. Predictably enough...]

Candy: BITCH!

[Loud THUMP followed by the sounds of slapping and evening-gown rending. Cut to the BigBOSS and Scotty sharing a cheap cigar at the podium.]

BigBOSS: Ahh, you can't beat the classics, can you?

SW: You said a mouthful, BOSS!

[Cut to sub-host for the day, Mark Shill.]

Shill: Hello veryone and welcome to Monday, Ni, er, The BOB Awards Show! You know if you're seeing awards handed out, it's got to be BOB! And fans, call your friends, neighbors, distant relatives and anybody else you may have once met in your life to let them know that BOB IS ON THE AIR! And tonight, as your sub-host, I will be bringing you the GREATEST MOMENTS IN BOB HISTORY! To start things off, here is THE GREATEST MOMENT IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT HISTORY.


[Cruddy graphic comes on screen.]

BOB Spectacular Moment Number 10
Skate Or Die Match: MMM 11

FreekBoy: Sick, sick move! A 540 off Fanboys head, coming in fakie! Fanboy crashes into the pipe! He's out! Zilla pulls a celebratory 360 and lands right on top of him! He's covering! 1..2..3! YEAH! New champion!

F: Zilla stands and salutes the crowd as Freekboy hands him the belt! He is sooo stoked! Wait up! Another skater just dropped in... Huge 720! Crashes down on Zilla! 1..2..3!! What the hell?

G: OH! The Hawkman just got blindsided by the lead singer of the Deftones! A cover.. 1..2..3!

F: Zilla blasts Chino with his skateboard! Chino falls... Zillas covering! 1..2..3!

GBH: Duh.. here is winner. And NEW Champ. Duh. ME! Hee...

(Zilla covers the prone GBH and gets a three-count. He quickly grabs the belt, runs into the street and leaps on a city bus. It roars off.)


[Cut back to Scotty, GBH and Mike. Mike's pants fall down.]

MM: HEY! Cut that out, Detatched Narrator!

[Bite me! Hey, a big plate of nachos appeared in my booth. Mmmm, nachos!]

SW: Time for the next award, huh Mike?

GBH: Duh. Yur. Dese next guys...

SW: (Whispers) Uh, GBH, Mikes' line...

GBH: ....Is true. Umm. BOB originals. Umm. Here are der UNIVERSAL...

[GBH blinks slowly.]

GBH: Duh, sorry Mike. Your line.

MM: *sigh* DONORS!

[A smattering of applause as "Cap" Al Larrie and Art Teery jog on-stage, waving their sponges. Art stands on their cooler and tries (Unsucsessfully) to start a "TYPE O NEG" chant.]

AL: (Reading slowly off an atuocue, Grammy presenter style.) You know, Art. We've had our share of. Extreme moments. Haven't we?

AT: Have we? Oh, right, sorry. (Equally slowly and robotically.) Yes, yes we have. Al. But none so extreme as our next nominees. Have had.

MTV-V/O: THE "OH MY GOD, THAT WAS EXTREME!" AWARD! KAMIKAZIE KEN!

[Roll the stock footage of Pay-Per-View" (On Pay-Per-View)!]

CRASH! SPLINTER! REND!

MM: 990 Kenton BOMB! UNBELIEVABLE!

MTV V/O: INSANO MANO!

[Cut to a shot taken from BENEATH a ring. A blood-curdingly scream is heard, growing in volume rapidly. There's a violent THUD as a cartoon-like body impression appears in the canvas.]

IM: Oh, momma, que va a elegante por la mañana...

MTV V/O: KAMIKAZIE KEN AND INSANO MANO!

[A series of stills from the Suicida Deathmatch appear on-screen. Damn you, Standards and Practices! The best Deathmatch EVER and we can't show it on Network TV! You SUCK! You can't see it, but I'm waving my genitalia at you!]

MTV V/O: INSANO MANO AND KAMIKAZIE KEN!

[Stock footage of the Bikini Atoll Nuclear Test.]

MTV V/O: XXXTREME MACHINE RIPS NURSE HEIDIS TOP OFF!

[Huge pop as the segment is re-played in full.]

NH: That's not an extreme moment!

MM: Sorry, Heidi... Scotty insisted!

AT: And the award goes to... KAMIKAZIE KEN and INSANO MANO for the Suicida Deathmatch!

[Descending whistle, followed by two stage-rending SMASHes.]

AL: Uhhh... Art and I would like to accept the awards on behalf of Ken and Insano, and we wish them a speedy recovery.

[They exit, navigating the twin luchadore-shaped holes in the stage. As the Flunky arrives with lumber and a hammer, we cut to Mark Shill.]

Shill: The show was the second Hardcore Polarvision. The GREATEST POLARVISION of ALL TIME! And it was the GREATEST DEBUT of ALL TIME, from the GREATEST ANGEL OF ALL TIME! Fans, THIS WAS THE GREATEST MOMENT IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT HISTORY!


[Cruddy graphic comes on screen.]

BOB Spectacular Moment Number 9
Kurt Angel's Commercial: HCPV 2

(An empty hotel room can be seen with some cheesy porno music playing in the background. Suddenly, a couple bursts through the door. They are ferociously making out and the guy literally has to try and walk with the woman's legs wrapped around his.)

Girl: Oh, Jan. I need you. I want you right now! Do me!

Guy: Ho, yes. I am having the very happy feelings for you, Hot American Woman! You are my best, how you say, birch? You are being the one very fine baby. Yes, we must doing it soon. Ohk, no. (he slaps his head) I am having, what is word, forgotting? I have for to forgotting. We are no have--have--

Girl: (looking annoyed) Protection?

Guy: Yes, this is it.

(Suddenly some guy in a red, white, and blue singlet jumps through the window.)

KA: Never fear! The All-American Brand Condom Guy is here!

Guy: (looking surprised and startled) Ohhhkh-hello.

KA: Hi! My name's Kurt Angel. Being earthbound humans, you might not have heard of me before. But so what? If you've got a hot date, I'll always be there. (points to the camera and winks) For you. Introducing the new All-American Brand condoms™. Good enough for God. Good enough for you. They just don't solve the problem of unwanted pregnancy. They work to prevent it. With our new super-acidic condoms, our patented formula penetrates your penis and works to actually LOWER your sperm count from the inside. That's right, I said "lower"! Let's face it, people. These days, love costs. Let's save our country some welfare money and stay protected, alright? Besides, you can't win a Gold Medal if you don't protect yourself. That's All-American Brand condoms. Don't tap any bitches without one!

Guy: Ohhk, thanks Mr. American Condom Man. Ohhhhhk. I am to owing you one.

(A creaking bed can be heard as the camera focuses in on Kurt Angel. He is watching the proceedings with a confused look on his face.)

KA: Golly, you don't see THAT in heaven....


[We cut back to the podium.]

MM: Say what you will, this show is kicking the RAW Anniversary's ass!

SW: The night is young, Mikey...

GBH: Duh. And we back.

[We cut to a commercial. Geez. Glad SOMEONE's reading the format!]


The residents of Havoc, West Virginia would like to congratualte BOB on this semi-meaningless anniversary! And remember, when you think of low-budget, chaotic pro-wrestling, think of HAVOC! And how about visiting us once in a while? There's free ponyrides for the kids? Come on, we really need the money! Our town is dying here! Free chocolates on your pillow at the Havoc Holiday Inn! Every second night! Come on down, and bring your lovely disposable income!


[We return from the commercial to a cheesy graphic.]

BOB Salutes: The Commentary Team

[A shot of Xenomorph throwing a weak punch at Mr X.]

Mark Shill: WHATTAMANUEVER!

[A shot of Tuna Vachon locking in a bearhug on Lynette "Bull" Dykstra.]

Scotty Whatbody: HOOOOTERS!

[A shot of douja legdropping a small custard Danish.]

Coma: WHOA! File that one off, Karl, there's panty-linen on the wolfhound! NARF!

[A shot of Bobo Fiendish punching a jobber mercilessly.]

GBH: Duh. Hitty, hitty, hitty! Yur.

[Cut to Mike Monroe. He's reclining on a sofa, shot in black-and-white.]

MM: Commentary is an art-form. You have to think on your feet, and have a good grasp of the words... uh, that... are... good. And exciting. That's the secretion. Uh, secret! Yes.

[Cut to Scotty, propping up the bar of a strip club.]

SW: The secret to being a good color commentator? Cliches, man! Got stuck? Just pick one and shout it out!

[Cut to a montage of matches from BOB's past.]

SW: HOLY...

SW: CRAP!

SW: Did you...

SW: See...

SW: That?

[Cut back to Scotty at the nudie bar.]

SW: Of course, being a bit of a prick always helps...

[Cut to Coma and GBH on the CLASSIX set.]

Off-screen Voice: And what's your tip for aspiring commentators?

Coma: Foamy leather underewear! (Direct to camera) It's delicious! Try some today! Poink!

GBH: Duh. Me classically-trained actor. Umm. Yur. To be. Duh. Or not to. Thingee. Ummm....

[Cut to Nurse Heidi at home.]

Nurse Heidi: The real trick is to develop good reflexes and excellent hand-eye coordination.

Off-screen voice: For spotting and calling moves during a fast-paced match?

Nurse Heidi: No, for punching Scotty in the face when he says something sexist....

[Cut to Scotty.]

SW: She said what? Must be PMS...

[Nurse Heidi instantly enters stage-left.]

SMACK!

SW: OW!

[Cut back to GBH.]

GBH: Duh. Oh, yeah. Be. Hee.

[Cut to Mark Shill at BOB Towers.]

MS: What was the GREATEST MATCH I EVER called? (Thinks) There was... and then... Oh, and... Eeep. Too many GREATEST MATCHES. Too many! AHHHH! (Keels over.)

Off-screen Voice: Oops. I think I broke his brain.

[Cut back to Mike, Scotty and GBH at the podium.]

SW: Man, how hot was Heidi in that segment? I'd like to...

SMACK!

SW: OW! Man, I never even saw her MOVE!

MM: Moving right along, folks! Our next presenters have been here since BOB's first show! Just like all the other presenters! Are we spotting a trend, yet? Here are DJ RAWKUS and MC CARJACK!

GBH: Duh. Booyur.

[The duos "We Be da Boyz wiz da Noiz" plays. (Available on an Extraneous Z Records CD in all good cast-off bins NOW!) Rawkus and Carjack bop up on stage and make strange and meaningless "Gang' signs with their hands. Boy, I need another drink. I can't handle these two sober. Ooh, look... a tequila bottle just appeared in my booth!]

DJR: Yo, yo, yo... WASSSSSUPPPPPPP!

MCC: Rawkus an' Carjack in the HIZOUUUSE, yo! We be the MANs!

DJR: Mans? Yo, C, dat don't make no sense, bro... yous got to use the right words, word?

MCC: Word. Anyhoo, we here to give out the award for "Stupidest Booking Descion", yo?

DJR: Stupid. Is that like "Phat"? Like, the Dope-est idea, yo?

MCC: No, bro... I think "Stupid" means... well, "stupid".

DJR: Wiggin'! Here be the nominees, yo!

MTV V/O: STUPIDEST BOOKING DESCION! NAGAM 2: MR X-POC IS BORN!

[Cut to Xenomorph at home. He's reclining on a couch covered with a "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" bedsheet. Behind him, the walls are crammed with geeky memorabilia. Mounted and labled Mr. Spock ears, replica Starfleet uniforms, a stuffed Tribble...]

Xenomorph: It looked so promising, y'know? I mean, we were ripping off DX! How could it fail?

[Cut to NAGAM 2 footage.]

XXXtreme Machine: ...i am now Bigg SeXXXy...

[Back to Xenomorph]

Xenomporph: Okay, electing XXXtreme Machine leader was probably a bad call, I'll admit.

Voice from the audience: o bitte me xendoforp

Xenomorph: ...But singling me out as a Stupid Booking Descion? WHATUPWIDDAT?

[Cut to footage of a "Mr X-Poc" in-ring interview from a state fair.]

Mr X-Poc: Umm.. Break it up! (Pause) DOWN! DOWN! I meant down!

[Cut to footage of Mr X-Poc performing a crotch chop.]

Mr X-Poc: (High-pitched) OW! I chopped my 'nads!

[Cut back to Xenomorphs home]

Xenomorph: What was the worst bit of the gimmick? Probably growing the grungy goatee... I have very light facial hair.

[Cut to a still of Xenomorph, who appears to have a chocolate milk moustache. A superimposed arrow helpfully points this out for us.]

Xenomorphs Voice: So it didn't get over... but hey, I've had WORSE gimmicks!

[We cut to the only-known photograph of "The Human Pokemon". ]

Xenomporphs Voice: What the HELL was I smoking that week?

[Cut to static.]

MTV V/O: G.I SLOW, HARDCORE CHAMPION!

[Cut to the BigBOSSes Office. A caption reading "Re-enactment" flashes.]

BigBOSS: Miss Behave, G.I Slow is boring in the ring and hasn't cut a promo in weeks. Remind me to job him humiliatingly, then fire him.

Miss Behave: Yes, my Sexy and alluring Master.

[Cut to the Li'lBOSSes office. A caption flashes.]

CAPTION: Still a Re-enactment.

Li'lBOSS: And so, you'll win the Hardcore Food Fight at Monday Morning Mayhem Three! Congratulations, champ!

G.I Slow: Do I get a raise since I'm a champion?

Li'lBOSS: Ah-HAHAHA-HAAAA! Oh, wait, you were serious? Sorry. *chuckle*

[Cut to the BigBOSSes office.]

CAPTION: STILL a re-enactment.

BB: (On the phone) He did WHAT? Where's my cat-o'-nine tails?

[Cut from the BigBOSSes office to... the BigBOSSes office.]

CAPTION: NOT a re-enactment.

BigBOSS: Trust me, the little squirt NEVER missed a booking meeting after that!

[Cut to black.]

MTV V/O: FOOTBRAWL!

[Cut to Chris Berman on the set of "Sportscenter".]

CB: When I heard about Footbrawl, I was excited! It should have been great! They COULD! HAVE! GONE! ALL! THE! WAY! With that Pay-Per-View! Mixing football and pro wrestling! What could go wrong?!

[Cut to a blurry, hand-held shot of a well-dressed middle-aged man.]

VKM: Look, stop asking me about the XFL! I'm still rich! Leave me alone!

[Cut back to Chris Berman.]

CB: Sadly, what could have been a great match was not to be...

[Cut to footage of Coma running down a football field with a bowl of vanilla pudding tucked under one arm. He dives over the goal-line with a squidgey SPLUNGE!]

Cris Berman: ...Despite Comas valiant efforts to salvage the match.

MTV V/O: SARAH "THE JOBBER SLAYER" TURNS HEEL!

[Cut to the BigBOSSes Office.]

BigB: Okay, I'll admit that having Sarah turn heel confused a couple of people. But trust me, it WAS planned well in advance.

[Cut to grainy hand-held footage of Sarah and the BigBOSS backstage at WRESTLESTARRMANIACADE.]

BigB: Oh, by the way Sarah, we're turning you heel tonight. Be evil!

StJS: I am? Whose stupid idea was THAT?

BigB: Ummm... Trey! Yeah...it was Treys idea!

The Flunky: Sarah! That's your cue! Get out there!

StJS: I don't believe this!

[Cut to Trey Vincent.]

TV: The reason she turned heel? I don't know. Neither does she! No-one knows why she turned heel!

[Cut to Sculder and Mully at The Agency HQ.]

Sculder: But is that really true? We know a man who knows EXACTLY why Sarah turned heel...

[Mully nods sagely. Cut to Mr X at the "Badda Bing Bang Boom" Exotic Dance Emporioum.]

Mr X: I don't know nuffin'!

MTV V/O: DJ RAWKUS AND MC CARJACK!

[Cut to file footage from early Mayhems, while "Kickin' tha Wiggin' Shiznit" by Rawkus and Carjack plays.]

BigBOSSes Voice-Over: I had such high hopes for those two. If mangled interviews, copious profanity and the gratuitous overuse of the word "Yo" can elevate a guy like douja to superstardom in the STWF, think what TWO of them could achieve!

Interviewers Voice-Over: Of course, douja WAS black...

BBs V/O: Well I know that NOW!

[Cut to DJ Rawkus in the studio, laying down some "beats". Just for fun, I'm going to drink a shot of tequila everytime he says "Yo"...]

DJ Rawkus: Yo, wassup! Id be DJ Rawkus, yo? And we be gettin' jiggy wid it and cuttin' my kick-ass solo album, yo? I call it "Yo, Yo, It Be Tha DJ Rawkus Show", yo?

[Ay carumba... Cut back to the podium while I slam these badboys.]

MC Carjack: Yo, man! Why was we on there? We aint no stupid idea, yo?

DJ Rawkus: Coulda been worse, dogg! Coulda been a boy-band, yo?

Josh's Voice: Eat shit, wigger!

DJ Rawkus: Shut up, honky 'fore I put a cap in your ass!

[WEEEEeeeeee-HA! New tequila-slammin' record! Whoa, I can't feel my legs all of a sudden...]

MCC: Okay, chill, chill, chill! 'Cause here be tha winna, yo? And da award be goin' too... Aw CRAP!

DJR: What up, G? Huh? It's US! That's wack, dogg!

MCC: Wack? Thass way wack! Thass wildly wack, yo? Thass wiggity wiggity, wiggy wacky wack WACK, yo!

DJR: On the other hand, old friend, it is the first thing we've won since the "Best New R&B Artist" Grammy. At least this award has some respectability...

MCC: Hmm.. You make a valid point, Reginald. Good show.

[Long silnce.. *hic*... silence.]

MCC: Ummm.. yo?

[wE CUT TO... Damn stchicky "Caps lock" key. We Cut to Mark Schill...]

Shill: They say you never forget your first time... and for Justin Voss, that first time came on live TV!

Scotty's Voice: Justin came on Trey Vincent? Was that some sort of hazing ritual?

Mike Monroes Voice: Oh, grow up! Hey, are our mics still on...

CLICK!

Shill: "The Stereotyped Face" Justin Voss beat overwhelming odds to create BOB History... and cemented his place in immortality as BOB's first-ever "Swiss Army Champion"! THIS WAS THE GREATEST MOMENT IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT HISTORY!


BOB Spectacular Moment Number 8
Justin Voss Becomes the First-Ever Swiss Army Champion: MMM 1

[Cut to varios.. varing... to some shots of ol' Juschtin doin' hish thing... schmilin', wavin', doin' that thing where he putsh hish finnger in hish cheeeks'n waggling hish head around. *hic* it finnishes on a split-schreen schot of Jushtinna BigBOSH glarin' at each ober.. oven.. ovver. Aww... schrew it.]

BigB: Thank you for that large round of indifference! I'm here at this time to draw a name from the Big Barrel and crown our first ever "Swiss Ar..".. what is it?

Lock: We sold the Big Barrel.. sorry.

BigB: Well, why doesn't someone tell me these things! What have we got, instead?

Shock: A bucket.

BigB: Fine. I'm here to draw a name from the Medium-sized Bucket and crown our first champion! Barry.. The Bucket please!

(He rummages around for a few seconds, probably trying to give the illusion of a fuller roster.)

BigB: And the winner.. and NEWWWWWWW "Swiss Army Belt" Champion is.... "THE STEREOTYPED FACE" JUSTINNNNN VOSS!

("If You're Happy and You Know It, Clap Your Hands!" is sung by a group of enthusthiastic 8-year-olds. The crowd joins in as Justin Voss sprints out from the locker room. He leaps into the crowd and proceeds to shake the hand of every fan present. (It's really lucky we don't have a large fanbase yet, or this could take ages!) He finally hits the ring and is handed the belt.)

JV: You LIKE me! You really LIKE me!!

BigB: Congratulations, Justi..

JV: Hey, look, it's got a corkscrew! And what's this.. wow, scissors!

BigB: I said, well done..

JV: Should I put it on? Or does it look better over my shoulder?

BigB: Are you even listening to me?

JV: CHEER ME! (The crowd pops.) CHEER ME AGAIN! (Bigger Pop)


[CLICK!]

Scottys Voice: THAT'S one of our Classic Moments? What a crock of sh...

[Cut to commersh.. shit., thassa big word. Cut to ads.]


The BOB 36-Month Anniversary Show is brought to you by SLACKER-2.0! The worlds FIRST fat-burner with added Prozac! You'll still be a fat bastard, but you just won't give a crap!

And by Porno-Flakes! Fortified with 12 Vitamins, Iron and Calcium... and with a FREE Collectible photo of German Bondage and Discipline Pornography in EVERY BOX! PORN! It's what's for breakfast!


GBH: Duh. We back? Talky Guy not sayin' nuffin'.

SW: Mike, what's going on?

[Whoa! Shorry guysh... I wash drain' th' dragon, y'know?]

{LOUD BLAST OF DANCE MUSIC}

[Th' hell?]

Eddie B: Yo, get outta my booth, dude!

[Oopsh. Wronmg door...]

MM: Oh, good God! The Disembodied Narrator's bad enough when he's sober! Now we've got a drunk who can make anything happen just by saying it!

SW: Hope he's not a mean drunk...

[Schut up, Whatbody. An' by th' way.. *hic* Yourra penguin.]

MM: Scotty?

SW: Quack.

GBH: Hee. Scotty feathery.

MM: While we get this sorted out, let's go to our next award. Here to present it, Alex "No Gimmick" Smith!

AngS: Thank you, Mike. It's my honour to present this next award. And here it is.

GBH: Duh. Him boring.

MTV V-O: BEST CELEBRITY APPEARANCE!

[Thersh some sctills of the celbsh as they're readd owt.. *hic8*]

MTV V-O: (Deep Breath) SCOTT BAIO! ERIN MORAN! WILLIAM SHATNER! LEMMY! ALF! HENRY WINKLER! MIKE "AUSTIN POWERS" MYERS! MICHAEL "GUT YOU LIKE A FISH" MYERS! TONY HAWK! BECK! CHINO MORENO OF THE DEFTONES! ZAC DELAROCHA OF RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE! And a whole bunch of other guys...

AngS: And the award goes to... WILLIAM SHATNER!

Xenomorph: ALL RIGHT!

GBH: Duh. Why him?

MM: Only one we could afford to re-hire, GBH...

[Big Bill Shatner hits the stage to drunken catcalls and collects his award.]

MM: Wow, the Disembodied Narrator sobers up QUICK!

[Actually, it's me, The Commentator! I decided to take over! It hardly takes a brain surgeon to do the Narrators job...]

SW: Quack?

MM: Any chance of turing Scotty back into a human being, then?

[No. He called me a Jobber last week. Suffer, beak-boy!]

SW: QUACK!

William Shatner: This.... is just a fantastic... honour! I can barely find the... words... to express what it means to.... me! So I can only say... (Sings) HEY! Mr Tamborine Man.... Play a song... for me...

[PUNCH!]

Crowd: ONE!

MM: Thanks, GBH! We'll be right back, folks!


[Cut to a cheesy graphic]

BOB Salutes: The Flunky

[The Flunky is seen, seated in a canvas chair on an otherwise empty soundstage.]

TF: Sometimes I look back at my time in BOB and just think... "You know, I'm the luckiest guy alive!". Not as often as I think "What hit me and why can't I feel my legs?", but that's a different story. I mean, I'm the only guy in BOB who's been on EVERY show, either out front, or in the back! Well, the Disembodied Narrator has too, but he doesn't really count.

[You're a penguin!]

TF: Quack?

[Give me that microphone, DN! Not a penguin, not a penguin, as you were, carry on!]

TF: It's a pretty big undertaking, y'know? Other federations can have dozens of flunkies... hundreds, even! Here, it's just me! I have a lot of responsibilities! I handle pyro...

[Cut to a shot of the Flunky standing next to a screen. A picture of exploding fireworks is on it.]

TF: (Into a mic) BANG! Fwizz! BOOM!

[Click of a slide projector]

TF: WHOOSH! BANG! Cracklecracklecrackle!

[Back to the Flunky.]

TF: ...I set up the ring...

[Cut to an empty school gym. A half-constructed ring is in the center of the basketball court, the Flunky entagled in the sagging ropes.]

TF: A little help here? Somebody? Anybody!

[Back to the soundstage]

TF: I even help fill in if someone no-shows! Heck, when Neige Thirteen quit, the BigBOSS couldn't afford to re-print the house show programmes. So guess what happened?

[Cut to am-cam footage of Bobo hiting a flour-dusted Flunky with a chair.]

The Flunkys Voice: I though it was a good match... And I was back on solid foods in a week!

[Cut to a montage of the Flunky's appearances on BOB TV.]

Voice-Over: From the first BOB shows to the present day.The Flunky has been an intergral part of the BOB Family. A man who has put his body on the line time and time again. Who works anywhere up to14 hours a day. Who once was the man who had to tell Blackjack Hooligan he'd been banned from every bar in the State of Nebraska. A man who has devoted his life to BOB, all for his meagre paycheck and the love of the sport. How does that make him feel?

[Cut to the Flunky, deep in thought.]

TF: How do I feel? Pretttty fuckin' unappreciated, really...


[Cut back to the podium.]

SW: Quack.

[Oh, and Scottys not a penguin anymore...]

SW: Thank you. Okay, on with the awards. And here to present the "Shut The Hell Up" Award... One of the BigBOSSes former bodyguards... LOCK!

[Scattered applause from the assembled BOB-sters, most of whom have forgotten the trio of Lock, Shock and Barry. Lock lurches up on stage and looks into the wrong camera, giving us a great shot of the side of his head.]

Lock: There's been a lot of guys in BOB who could talk. Most of them in fact. With one notable exception.

[We cut to a shot of StreetMime II. He shrugs at the camera.]

Lock: But here's the nominees for the guy we all wanted to...

Everyone: SHUT THE HELL UP!

MTV V-O: THE "SHUT THE HELL UP" AWARD! XXXTREME MACHINE!

[A house show in the run-down and crime-infested indrustrial district of Powanaquaastsi, New Mexico. The fans are just returning to their seats after an intermission. (Well, actually it was a 10-minute draw between StreetMime and Unoriginal Man... same diff.) The Flunky moves to a microphone and plays a tape of "im a sexi biatch", by XXXtreme Machine as the Jobber-4-Lyf himself runs down the aisle. Dennis is waiting to interview him in the ring.]

Dennis: Gosh, well, with me at this time is...

XM: shut up yuo brumbie englsh bastdr i hav a few thinds 2 say first off ur a no god rudypoo candi az if ya smel whta im cocking...

Dennis: Smell what you're cocking? My goodness! I have no intention of doing any such thing!

XM: next up i wanna no why tha BIGBoss fird my valte brittny coz she was a sexi biacth lik me

Dennis: Brittany? The woman you performed the sexual act on after your first interview here in BOB? Good Lord, that was two years ago, old chap... Didn't you realise she'd been fired until now?

XM: i thowt she woz in the btahrom denis any way i got a new ho to cum down to rignsdie wit me an hear she is th lovly nirse lara bigtittes giv it up yo dcikweds

[A woman.. possibly... you'd have to check for an adams apple in this disembodied narrators opinion, as it appears someone has been chopping wood on her face... walks down the aisle, preceeded by two mammeries that looks like a dead heat in a zepplin race. She's wearing a size 10 nurses outfit... too bad she's a size 18 at the very least. Dennis turns to Clive.]

Dennis: I say, Clive... suddenly interviewing Billy Polar doesn't seem like such a bad job after all, does it?

Clive: You got that right... let's make like trees and get the hell out of here, eh?

Dennis: Good show!

[The camera cuts quickly to static. Fade out.]

MTV V-O: "CHARLIE"!

Yoo STOOPID! Yoo no stewal me STOOPID! Onry "Charrie" geet too say STOOPID!

"Charrie" weel break yoo bones in rittole peeces!

Beware, YOO STOOPID BUTT-HOWAL!

MTV V-O: THE DYSLEXIC AVENGER!

--- Clive and Dennis have been briefly assigned to BOB's "Ain't Quite Tuff Enuff" training facility where fast rising curtain jerker to solid midcarder THE DYSLEXIC AVENGER has been rehabbing a dislocation of the patella/ran out of angles knee injury. Dennis is quick to get The D.A.'s thoughts, as he plans a return to full-time action soon, which means a good match or two every six months in THIS promotion. D.A. is busy on a treadmill, then takes a break to pop a blister. Cross trainers would be good. Dennis moves in, noticing the opportunity to pick D.A.'s brain with some questions, as the masked grappler wraps his right big toe with some gauze. ---

Dennis: Crikey! I say old chap, you look better than ever!

DA: must agree I you with ,Dennis. never I felt have my in life better.

Dennis: Queen Mother of England! It's been a tad. Let me see if I can still do thisÖyou said, "I mustÖagree with you, Dennis?" And then, "I have never feltÖ.umm, better in my life?"

DA: what That's said I.

Dennis: "That's what I said." That's what you just said, right?

DA: exactly That's I said what.

Dennis You said what? When?

DA: mind Never ,Dennis. asked you I today here to challenge an open issue anybody to in fed the. don't care I it's if of Josh State Krew the Kent, Jim or Krew the State Kent of, or Kent Brandon the Krew of State. I care don't if it's Geek The. Or it's if even Kay Fabe Xamfir or. I fight need a. Do understand ,Dennis you?

Dennis: I understand I have a bloody headache! But at least you're not that damned XXXtreme Machine! That guy has marbles in his mouth, old chap!

DA: has He Dad's his marbles mouth his in, Dennis. can tell You him that said okay, I? he'll Maybe me fight then. I'll kick Then ass his.

Dennis: What you said! Jolly Good! Well, D.A., I'm sure the fan of BOB is anxiously awaiting your return no matter who you'll fight. BOB is ready for you to come back, your Avenger 6:13 shirts are still one of our best sellers!

DA: appreciate I kind words ,Dennis the. ready I'm. anybody So there out, YOU IF SOME WANT, SOME GET COME!

Dennis: HOLY PRINCE OF WALES! Could you at least try to get that "Some Get Come" turned around right?

DA: do What mean you by ,Dennis that?

Dennis: Means we're out of time, D.A. Good luck on your return.

DA: forward Look it to.

---Black to Fade---

MTV V-O: "BACKBOARD" BARRY BROWN!

Gary "The Gurney" Green: SHUT... THE HELL... UP, BARRY!

MTV V-O: THE FIRE CHEIF!

The Fire Chief: Heap big paleface grappler speaks the truth. Heap BigBOSS deserve whack with totem pole for despoiling ancestoral hunting grounds of Havoc, West Virginia. Besides, the palefaces think Fire Chief "Culturally Insensitive."

Lock: And the winner is... XXXTREME MACHINE!

XXXtreme Machine: i one ha ha u ghuys r dinks cya

[XXXteeme Machine sprints on-stage to a loud reaction from his fellow grapplers.]

Pope John Paul II: YOU SUCK!

RVD: Don't give him the mic!

Dyslexic Avenger: talk let Don't him! rather Shatner singing I'd hear again!

XXXtreme Machine: o shut up u bnuhc of dikweesd im aw inner 2day n dont u 4get it gimmme tat awrdx

[PUNCH!]

Crowd: TWO!

MM: Again, thanks GBH...

GBH: Duh. You welcome.

[PUNCH!]

Crowd: THREE!

SW: OW!

GBH: Duh. Sorry. Got carried away.

[We cut to Mark Shill.]

Shill: It was...

[NO! We'll cut to a.. ahh.. thingamee.. commerschal! Thass it!]


BOB' Anniversary Show is brought to you by WEASELCO INDUSTRIES! We LOVE WEASELS! Call....


[It's not TIME for a commercial! Give me that! Schtop it! Cut that out! Oh, this is brutal, folks! The Narrator has me in a vile chokehold! I'm fading! It's all going black! And he's dragging me towards a glass-topped tabled balanced precariously over a huge pile of fluroscent light bulbs! For the love of God, someone stop this!]

SMASH!!!

 

 

 

Shill: What? They're both out? Umm... Is the camera on me? Yeah? Okay, we'll just roll with it, okay? *ahem* It was a historic moment in the annuals of Sports Entertainment! One that none of us will EVER forget! In fact, THIS WAS THE GREATEST MOMENT IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT HISTORY!


BOB Spectacular Moment Number 7
****Number 7 goes here*****


SW: Oh you gotta be frickin' kidding me! Great work, crack production staff! Anyway, as this show rolls into it's second hour, it's time for more awards. Allow me to introduce our Special Celebrity Presenters... MIKE NELSON and JOEL HODGESON!

MN: Thank you! Nice to be here.

JH: Speak for yourself, Mike. How did I let you talk me into appearing on this show?

MN: I think it was the free beer and peanuts that sealed the deal...

JH: Oh, that's right. Too bad the beer is Coors, but beggars can't be choosers. Anyway, we're here to present the award for "Best MSTer"! Glad no-one's ever tried to work out which of US was the better MSTer, huh Mike?

MN: Don't get me started. Here are the nominees...

MTV V-O: BEST MSTER! TOM SERVO!

-He slammed him to the Norton? Is that another way of saying he hit him in the dickey?
-He's using 40-year wrestlers as weapons! He's Hardcore! He's Hardcore!
-Oh, where do we start with THIS? The clunky, overly-vowel-endowed name?
-(WWWF Fan) Man, "Nickel Chilli Night" was SUCH a bad idea!
-(Stu) You didn't specify WHICH piece you wanted, so here's my spleen! Enjoy!
-Ahh, you have to love a wrestler who can't even spell his own name correctly. That shows a rare dedication to his sport...
-Next week, Chris gets the operation that makes him Cable TV Champion...
-So everyone heard Lawler say that? I thought I had turned Aurally Dslyexic for a second there...
-That's like the 300th legdrop tonight! Hogan must be booking!
-(Radio DJ) That was Country Jed and The X-Chromosomes with "Moving Back To My Feet Again". Yee-haw.
-Personally, I think the concrete had that coming.
-Damn, they must have run out of the spontaneously-appearing tables from the last match.
-The disembodied narrator had to lend Mini Bad Boy his motorcycle? How bushleague can you get?
-I think we just picked the winner of the "Loser of The Night" award...
-I've heard of Greco-Roman wrestling... but this is the first time I've seen "cut-and-paste" wrestling...
-(Ring Announcer) Ladies and Gentlemen, we appear to have lost a transition somewhere. If found, please return it to the information desk on the lower concourse...
-I'm not sure which was more pathetic, the match, or the fact that the Commish had to make the "ring ring ring" sound himself...

MTV V-O: SETH HARKER!

-Mr Potato Head Wrestling presents "WWFX: Detachment Day!"
-Well, to make sure we should drop him forty feet in a limo, then drive a truck into it a few times. And maybe lock him in a casket and set it on fire...
-Oh, great, he's counting in decimals... we'll be here all night!
-It's HaRdCoRe! And exTreME! And we'Ll CapITaLiSe ANythINg we WaNT BecAuSE We'Re the wwfX!
-(Serious Voice) Some are born knowing what that means. Some will take acid and THINK they understand what it means. 99% of the world won't even give a crap. WWFX: Xperience the snurt gruntfubbly ploort.
-Yeah, THERE'S some history they'll be teaching in a few years... The Declaration of Independence, World War I, Welly vs DDP!
-(Informercial Announcer) ...Using the Home Momentum Maker Kit from 3M! Only $29.95!
-Wow, a giant mythical bird is in the ring! And here comes the Minotaur and a Chimera to make a run-in!
-(Bradshaw) Anyone know what happened to my pants? I hung them out on the CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL... and now they're gone!
-Meaning the fans will be experiencing the "Up Shit Creek In a Barbed Wire Canoe" match...
-(King) Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt like elderberries!
-He's like a little magic wrestling pixie.
-You know, for a weapons death match, this is really sucking a tremendous amount of suck.
-Yeah, you go, Hakster, you naughty man, you! Now push an old lady to the floor and tear up a kids autograph book!
-He's right, you know. I know I'd rather take a piledriver through a table than a closed fist! Hell, shoot me, stab me, set me on fire, just DON'T make me get punched by someone!

MTV V-O: CROW T. ROBOT!

-X-Pac is boring the crowd stupid, and he's not even in the match!
-(Booker) Tell me you didn't just poke out my eye with your thumb, sucka? Suckas' GOTS to stop doing that!
-Writing this card was no small... "feet"! Ha! I kill me!
-Isn't "busted open" and "bleeding" pretty much the same thing? WWFX: Excessive Verbosity is Our Watchword!
-Hey dont hog the puncuation damn it now I feel like XXXtreme Machine
-WWWF: Indecisive? NO! Well, yes! Possibly.
-Shane's a lightweight? Have you seen him recently? He should be named "Shane O'Big Mac"!
-Accidently slipping on a carelessly-discarded underscore...
-(Advertorial Announcer) ECF on Pay-Per-View is coming! Over NINE HOURS of armbars and stomping! Order NOW!
-Because Mutual Groinal Abuse sells tickets, brother!
-Snappy intro... none of that overrated "Atmosphere" that other wrestling shows try to have...
-By that logic, this card is DAMN good... because it's making my brain hurt...
-I don't think he's selling the move. It's more like he's selling the effects of all the hash brownies he consumed with X-Pac before the match...
-That's "??????", Mississipi, population 432, main exports, overweight wrestlers and American cheese...
-(Timekeeper) So, I felt like ringing the bell AFTER the match had started! Bite me!
- One guy's from Hell and the other's from New Jersey... I don't know who to feel more sorry for...

MTV V-O: TREY VINCENT!

-Well, logic just crashed through the window and plunged to its death in a desperate need to get the fuck away from WWFX.
-He raises a breast. It falls. He raises the breast a second time. It falls. He raises the breast a third time! It falls. A fourth time. It falls. I think Earl has some problems.
-Jobless pieces of jobless shit who I piss and shit on cuz your jobless shit.
-She called her own house but she couldn't figure out why the line was always busy.
-Oh no, it's raining Christians! *Ahem* OK. I'm a little rusty, hold on. Umm. It's raining Christians! (Pause) D'oh!
-He then tripped over the sound system cord and the chant died. And there was silence.
-UH OH. They got WCW FOOTAGE! AHHHHHHHHHHH! This is CRUEL!
-Take a period. Here . . . . . Have one of mine, I've got plenty. And for God's sakes, give him his BACK BACK.
-Ah, a match with some irony. He's out cold in an inferno match.
-Does that mean Chug is a liar? Since his pants are on fire?
-(JR) Speaking of bags....here's Torrie.
-(JR) Anal rape! Anal rape! Anal rape!
-Peeing all over the floor and each other.
-No gimmick match huh? Just two transvestite, cross-dressing sports entertainerettes. OK.
-NO! He stole my move too! You bastard! He stole Coming Down! But he's calling it something stupid. Oh, you're all on the list now.
-Just call these guys XXXtreme and Groin-Grabbingly Lucha-Super-Suicida Ay-Yi-Yi Hardcore!
-And Stephen Kane executes the basic rules of grammar. While the ECF executes the rules of entertainment.

[Duh. Cut to. Umm. The iAd looking. Whuts that word?]

MM: Confident.

[Yur. Looking like that.]

JH: And the winner is.... CROW T. ROBOT!

TV: Say WHAT? We should have aced it!

Seth: You're kidding me! We've been out-riffed by hardware!

Steve Studnuts: Pure anti-iAd bias... jerkweeds!

Crow: I won! In your face, squidgey humes! Hahahahaa! Ummm... could one of you help me up on stage?

TV: Get bent, bot-boy.

Seth: Grow some legs, Tin-man.

Tom: Don't look at me, Crow.

MN: In that case, I will accept the award on Crows' behalf, and he can collect it once he repairs or replaces my David Hasslehof Collectors Plates. Thank you.

JH: And remember... KEEP CIRCULATING THE TAPES! Where's my beer?

[Duh. Mark Shill. On-screen now. Yur.]

MS: Professional Wrestling. International Crime. Two things that seem to have little in common. Until a crack team of law-enforcers smashed a ruthless gang of BOB Pay-Per-View Bootleggers. This was the GREATEST MOMENT IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT!


BOB Spectacular Moment Number 7 (This time, for real!)
BOB Cracks the French-Canadian Bootleg Ring.

[Cut to black-and-white newsreel footage. Jaunty 50's music plays as...]

[Duh. Who dat?]

[This is the Detached Narrator. I pre-taped this segment, figuring something typically zany would have happened to me by now.]

[Duh. You taped dis?]

[Sure did!]

[Duh. Then how come you. Ummm. Answer my questions?]

[You're right, it IS a brilliant idea! But back to the newsreel...]

Movietone Newsreel Annoucer: Dateline, Quebec! A flood of pirated BOB videos and DVD's are flooding across the border to the United States. But here to help stamp out this low-budget crimewave is Elliot BOSS and his Unwatchables!]

[Cut to the BigBOSS in fedora and trenchcoat, clinging to the side of a moving truck.]

BigB: Let us go, boys! Let us make a certain good! We have three warehouses to plunder! Stage on top, GBH!

GBH: Duh. Which thingee makes DER the truck still go quickly?

[The truck screeches to a halt, flinging the BigBOSS into a snowdrift. Cut to several French-Canadians being led froma warehouse in handcuffs.]

Bootlegger: It is an installation! You will never take to me alive, copper! Call my lawyer!

French-Canadian Lawyer in handcuffs: Pierre, idiotic, this is to you MY warehouse! You are out of the chance, stake!

Movietome Announcer: And so, the world is safe from badly-produced, inferior BOB knock-offs once more! Only the GENUINE badly-produced originals shall fill dusty video shelves the world over!

[Cut to a shot of the BigBOSS standing triumphantly on a pile of siezed tapes. He looks down at them thoughtfully.]

BigB: Hmmm... I wonder whether I can make any money out of the latter?


[Cut to the podium.]

[Duh. There you are.]

[Huh? How did YOU get into my pre-taped segmen...]

[PUNCH!]

Crowd: FOUR!

SW: This is getting stranger by the second, huh Mikey?

MM: I'll say.

[Duh. Yur.]

SW: Anyway, time for another award. Here to present it... LITTLE GOOD!

{Sound of a spit-take from the audience}

LG: You bloody WHAT? Since when?

SW: Barry couldn't make it... The BigBOSS said "Just pick some idiot", so I immediately thought of you.

LG: Cute, Whatbody. Hells bells on a merry-go-round! All right, what award am I giving out?

MTV-V/O: The "OVERSEXED AND UNDERPAID" AWARD! SCOTTY WHATBODY!

SW: And SPEAKING OF SCREWING SARAH IN A BED...boy would I like to!

SW: I'd like to go up on her top! To HELL with Lex Luger, I want to get hoisted up in THAT RACK, BABY!

SW: I meant are those real...and you don't like what too long. HEE, what do you don't like, real, those, HEE. WHOOO!

SW: THIS IS GREAT! But it'll be better if Heidi and/or Brianne lose some clothes! WHOO HOO!

SW: BITCH-SLAP! Eat THAT Sarah! Spanky-spankies!

SW: And the girls are going wild. Look at them jumping, up, and down, up and down.

NH: Scotty! They're not even legal yet.

SW: I know, I know. But it's not illegal to look.

SW: SHE'S A PILLOW-BITER! YES!

SW: Stretch her, Lynette! Heh. She's not the only thing around here that's hard...

SW: Say, are you single now? Because you bring a whole new meaning to the word 'edible.'

SW: Do you like jigsaw puzzles?

NH: Why?

SW: Well, after the show we can go back to my motel room and put our pieces together.

MTV V/O: BIGBOSS and MISS BEHAVE!

MB: Stu?

BB: Ummm, yeah?

MB: You're drooling, honey.

MB: Stuart, PLEASE GET RID OF HIM!

BB: Okay, snuggle bear.

MTV V/O: KAY FABE

[Duh. Real big close-up of a thingee.]

MM: What? Oh, we're going too far now... we'll be cancelled!

[Duh. No, it's a yellow thingee.]

SW: Is that even possible? Oh, wait... it's a banana. A close-up of Kay peeling a banana. Without using her hands. I think I need a cold shower. Thinking of ice cream... snow... Kathy Bates naked. That did it.

MTV V/O: SARAH "THE JOBBER" SLAYER and LITTLE GOOD!

[Pictures of Sarah. Umm. Kicking Little Good. Lots of kick, kick, kick. Hurty.]

StJS: So we like "Tough Love", okay. He's never complained....

MTV V/O: NURSE HEIDI and BILLY POLAR!

Heidi:Two can play at this game. YEAH ED! YOU ARE NOW FLASH 'THE FLASHER' FLANAGAN!

[Ed faces Nurse Heidi and promptly flashes the audience.]

Billy: Oh GOD!! Geez, Heidi! Make him pull his pants up! What's wrong with you!

Heidi: Well, I just had to check. He's a big man, after all, and this proves it.

Billy: Slut. HEY ED! YOU'RE A SEX-CRAZED NURSE'S AIDE NAMED HEIDI! Ha ha!! Take that!

[Ed immediately starts humping the nearest ringpost.]

Heidi: Ooh! Oh yeah? HEY ED! YOU'RE BILLY POLAR'S MOMMA, D'YA HEAR? YOU'RE BILLY'S MOMMY!

[Ed then proceeds to get down on all fours and smack his own ass.]

LG: Right, we're back to me are we? Okay, the winner is... okey-dokey. I should have guessed.

SW: Well? Who is it?

LG: This card just says "All of the Above". So I'm taking it.

SW: HEY! One-eighth of that award belongs to ME! Give it!

LG: Bugger off!

[Scuse me.]

PUNCH!

Crowd: FIVE!

SW: Thanks GBH!

GBH: Duh. No problem.

MM: Wait, if you're down here... who's in the Narrators booth?

[Nurf! Yahoo Serious is driving the Hummvee! Catch him, before he eats Richard Griecos shorts! Poink!]

SW: Oh, shi...


KIDS! Love video games, but your parents are just too darn cheap to buy you a state-of-the-art game system? Well, too bad! You never appreciate what you've got anyway! Why when I was your age, I had to trek three miles through waist-deep snow every morning to get to school! And I didn't have one of those fancy-schmancy video games... we had a rusty tin can on a piece of twine and that was good enough for us!

This message furnished by the League of Disgruntled Grandparents. Now sit up straight, you little punk!


[Poink! It's raining marshmallows and Scotty smells like a pine-tree. Chocolate-coated Monroes? Mmm.... Hit me, Hernando, I'm obtuse!]

MM: Could someone get him out of there, please? I feel like a S'more!

SW: At least you don't smell like a car deodoriser, Mike! Can we throw to Shill?

MS: Championship belts! You want 'em. We got 'em! We've gone Title Crazy here in BOB! And with 47 titles up for grabs, it wasn't going to be long before something happened, involving our titles, that would send shockwaves throughout the entire world, specfically that part of the world that is devoted to titles. Something that could only be described as the GREATEST MOMENT IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT HISTORY!


BOB Spectacular Moment Number 6
Seth Harker jobs to the AYOOYFM Title Belt (SMC 2)

Styles: Now Harker with a snap suplex. Now he's heading up to the top rope! OH MY GOD! A frog splash! The Darksider is in TOTAL CONTROL.

MS: MR. X is DEAD!

Styles: What the hell is this? Xamfir has just gone into the ring and is doing the Snoopy Dance! OH NO. Harker's got the AYOOYFM Title Belt!

MS: HE HIT HIM!

Styles: Harker's still got the belt! OH MY! Mr. X with a superkick! THE AYOOYFM BELT CRACKS HARKER'S SKULL! That's EXTREME!

Mr. X: OWWWWW, my GROIN! OWWWWWWWWW.

MS: What a manuever.

Styles: But Mr. X is grabbing at his groin. He may have pulled it.

SW: Bwahahaha. Pulled his groin!

Styles: Well...you know what I mean. Get your mind out of the gutters! Wait a minute? What is the ref doing?

Generic Ref: Where does it hurt?

MX: I ain't sayin' nuthin'.

Generic Ref: Can you continue the match?

MX: What's a match?

GR: You're fighting for the AYOOYFM championship!

MX: Hey yo, yo hey, who sez I'm fighting for anything?

[Generic Ref smacks his forehead. Then he turns around.]

SW: What is he doing?

Crowd: ONE....TWO....THREE!

Styles: What the hell?

[DING DING DING]

MS: What...what...what have we just seen here?

MA: You want me to announce what?

[Generic Ref picks up the AYOOYFM Title.]

MA: The winner of the match...and NEWWWW, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FRICKIN' MIND CHAMPION...*sigh* The ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FRICKIN' MIND CHAMPIONSHIP BELT!

Styles: WHAT?

MS: WHAT?

Crowd: WHAT?!

Styles: OH MY GOD! The Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind Championship has won itself? I think the universe is about to collapse in on itself.

MS: This is the single most AMAZING moment I have ever witnessed.

SW: You know... every BOB show I think I've seen THE SINGLE MOST retarded thing I can see. Then I go to the next show...


[Mikey and Scotty, sitting in a tree. Messing up the commen-try!]

SW: Welcome black. D'OH! Thanks Coma...

MM: I don't believe this... We're about to create history, Scotty. First award ceremony held in an oak tree.*ahem*... Our next presenter... STWF and BOB Legend.... SILLICONE M. PLANTS!

["Dare to be Stupid" plays. Nurf. SMP leaps into the tree via the miracle of reversed-film special effects. Hoo-haa, fetch me a parrot, Jim lad. Arrr.]

SMP: Okay, this is pretty fBLEEPed up, right here. Anyway, I'm here to give out the "Biggest Asshole" award. Baecause I am, after all... the Heeliest Heel in Heeldom! And why? Because being a face sucks!

Voice: Bite me, Plants!

SMP: Ah, SHADDAP, Voss! Here's the nominees!

MTV V/O: BIGGEST ASSHOLE! NEIGE 13!

[Boos]

MTV V-O: NEIGE THIRTEEN!

[More Boos]

MTV V-O: NEIGE XIII!

[A hand-axe thuds into the screen as Neiges face is shown.]

MTV V-O: TREY VINCENT!

[Cheers, simply because he's not Neige.]

SMP: And the winner is... Trey Vincent, because Neige can't win ANYTHING in BOB! Come get your award, Trey!

TV: Shuck that fit! They aint paying me to climb trees! Besides, I'm half-way to being shitfaced and I ain't about to stop now! *hic*

SMP: Fine... CATCH!

THUNK!

Seth: OWWW!

SMP: Sorry. Heh heh heh...

MM: We'll be right back, foilks!

[The sky is falling! The sky is falling!]

SMP: HEY! Who's throwing the sky at me!


WARNING: If you want to see the hottest, most WILD Pay-Per-View preview, mostly because it hasn't be angled out on TV yet, watch this:

Coming SOON! BOB's first-ever Pay-Per-View written, directed and booked by the Head Truama Boy himself... COMA! BOB's "SEND US MONEY: POINK THIS!", LIVE from Kitchener, Ontario. Order NOW! It'll be flubble wiggly groink!

We warned you...


MM: Oh. My. God. Who's brilliant idea was THAT?

BB: (Sweating profusely) Uhh. Trey's. Sure it was. Not me when I was drunk. It was Trey.

MM: Oooo-kay. This seems like the best time for the "Best Coma-ism" award. So instead, we'll take you to Mark Shill.

MS: Quack.

MM: But, since Coma's turned him into a penguin, I'll take over. *ahem* Before coming to BOB, he was a nerdy geek with no muscle tone.

[Shot of the Geek.]

MM: No, not HIM! He strove to acheive greatness, despite his inherant self-loathing and ineptitude...

[Shot of "Smart" Mark Green.]

MM: No, not him either! Oh, just roll the tape.

MS: QUACK!

MM: Oh, if I must... *sigh* This was the GREATEST MOMENT IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT HISTORY!


BOB Spectacular Moment Number 5
Lord Sexbat Wins the Pan-Galactic Title (MMM 9)

SW: Bobo's making the sign for the "Farewell to the Flesh'! This could be the quickest title defense ever!

MM: And Lord Sexbat might have the quickest career in pro-wrestling! Bobo hauls Sexbat to his feet...

(A single trumpet abrubtly starts playing "The Ride of the Valkyries" as a spotlight switches on.)

SW: Holy Crap! Look! Up in the rafters! It's Kamikazie Ken! What's that lunatic doing?

MM: He's holding a component mini-disk player... LOOK OUT BELOW! A KEN-TON BOMB! Sexbat ducks and covers...

SMASHHH!!

MM: And Bobo has been WIPED OUT!! So has Ken, who practically drilled himself into the mat! Lord Sexbat crawls over to Bobo and drapes an arm over him... the Generic Ref counts.. ONE! TWO! THREE!

SW: You gotta be kidding me! You can't be serious! Lord Sexbat!!??

MA: *Ahem*... Ladies and Gentlemen.. here is your winner.. and, somehow, your NEWWWWWW Pan-Galactic Champion... LORRRRD SEXXXBAT!

MM: What an upset! This crowd is in shock!

SW: They're not the only ones! What the hell was Ken thinking? Dennis, talk to the man!

Dennis: Right-o! Ken, old chap... you just cost Bobo Fiendish his title.. a bit silly, eh what?

Ken: Wha'? Bobo? I was aiming for Sexbat... stupid mask slipped... ow..

THUMP!


GBH: Duh. And we back. Next award giving guy is. Him. Der one I'm pointing at. Hee.

SW: For those watching this broadcast on our crappy, jerky web-cast, the presenter is Head Trauma Boy FLATLINE!

HTB FL: Uhhh... like, thanks. Uhhh... Coma and I are, like. Uhhh. Former tag champs. Yeah. Uhh.. Uhhh... (Twenty seconds later) Uhhh... Yeah. And now I get to. Uhhh. Give him this. Cool.

MTV V/O: BEST COMA-ISM!

Coma: (To Little Good) Have a watermelon, Mr. Costner, they're full of vitamin Q! Why are the bullfrogs loose in the Kremlin again? Oy vey!

Coma: Poke the hamster with a muffin, I'm hitting warp factor 3! Eep!

Coma: Racing this time, and it's a fast start for Mr Lemming! Bob Dole is lagging behind, three lengths to Polecat Pete, a short nose to the Masked Herring and I'm enchanted by your mother, Mr Brown. Nipples

Coma: (Sings) Milk products in Montana, that's the place for me! (High-pitched voice) Trifle, anyone? (Normal(?) Voice) Wales is lovely when the lemmings explode in the spring. Palindromes for supper again? Pshaw!

Coma: Poink!

HTB FL: Uhhh... And the winner is... Uhh...

[Baked poodles AGAIN? I'll be seeing you in St Louis, Mr Hefner! Inflate the echidna!]

HTB FL: Uhhh. That one's not on the... Uhhh.. Card.

[Rabid hamsters charge the stage! Onwards, my pretties! Overthrow the iron-fisted tyrant!]

HTB FL: Uhhh. Ow. Ow! Quit it, Coma. Uhh.. OW! Stop it, you hosehead!

[We break for tea with England 287-1, trailing Australia by 9, 256. Adam Sandler is wooing Scotty's mom!]

SW: Hey, he can't make THAT happen, can he?

MM: Possibly...

SW: NOOOOOOOO! Resist, mommy! RESIST!


WEASELCO! We STILL love weasels! For your weasel-related requirements, call toll-free on...


[Cut to Helsinki, Finland.]

Large Finnish Man: Vot der hell?

[The reindeer are stampeeding! Run, Otto!]

LFM: Vot? My name ist Clyde. (Thunder of hooves) Oh, bloody hell.


HEY! We at Weaselco PAID for this spot! Stop cutting us off! We demand...


[Penguin!]


Quack?


MM: Okay, let's try and get some control of this show, shall we?

MM: Yeah, right...

MM: Did I just say that?

MM: Duh. Whut? Why I sound like you?

MM: Coma, what the hell are you doing up there?

MM: Was that you, Scotty?

MM: I think so... let me do a test. Shit! Fuck! Goddammit! Yep, it's me, all right.

MM: *sigh* Let's cross our fingers and hopefully go to Mark Shill.

MS: BOB has many titles... but, unlike most wrestling federations, we are the only to have the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS! And one of the men to wear the fabled 12 Pounds of Gold Leaf and Cubic Zirconiums has graced us with his presence tonight. The Living Legend. The One. The Only. Trey Vincent! THIS was the GREATEST MOMENT IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT HISTORY!

Seth: Nice intro, brother... You been mooonlighting with Creative again?

TV: Was it that obvious?

Studnuts: Very.


BOB Spectacular Moment Number 4
Trey Vincent Wins the OWTTM

MM: Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" has taken out the J.W.A., Totally Face, her best friends and saved the last shot for the BigBoss, who was just added to this match.

MS: This is the blackest day in the history of this greatest extravaganza of all time.

MM: Trey Vincent stands up. Sarah drops the chair. They smile! Oh God, they embrace. Don't tell me Sarah is the ultimate screw job Trey Vincent promised!

SW: What a heel turn. But why? Why Sarah, you bad, bad, girl! We demand answers.

MM: But the match isn't over. Trey Vincent picks up the BigBoss and slams him. And Sarah's clearing the ring of bodies.

SW: Wow, and she cleans too! Wonder if she can cook.

MM: TV bounces off one side of the ring. He bounces off the second side. He hops over the BigBoss to the third side of the ring and now off the fourth side. It's a Dusty shuffle! Oh! Big Time Fist Drop below the belt!

SW: The iAd isn't dead.

MM: Cover!

MS: ONE!

SW: TWO!!

MM: THREE!!!

[Bell rings.]

MA: The winner and new holder of THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.....TREY VINCENT!

[We freeze on Treys smiling face.]

Deep Voice-Over: Trey Vincent... The REAL Reason you watch sports entertainment! This message paid for by the Society of Hot Chicks who Mark Out for Trey. Ooh, he so fine!


SW: Y'know, I detect just a HINT of backstage politics in that "Memorable Moment", Mikey...

MM: You think?

[Look out, look out, there's moose about! Our next presenter will be a lemon-flavoured Jell-o pudding named "Emille"! Take it away, Mr Bush!]

Emille: Thank you, Coma! (Wobble)

SW: Oh, you got to be kidding me!

GBH: Duh. Dis moose is eating my script.

Emille: Our next category is "Network Difficulties: Moments You Never Saw Because Geocities Crashed!". And the nominees are...

MTV V/O: NETWORK DIFFICULTIES! DUSTBUSTER BOY WINS THE OWTTM CHAMPIONSHIP!

[Hi folks, The Flunky here... I'll do the narrating for this segment, or we'll never get finished! *ahem* Cut to a still photo of Dustbuster Boy face-to-face with Trey Vincent.]

Mark Shills voice: I don't believe it! Trey Vincent has accepted Dustbuster Boys' challenge HERE, TONIGHT! The NEXT BIG THINGEE in BOB gets a shot at the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS!

Scotty Whatbodys Voice: He's getting a Jeffhardy, and I bet he Billygunns it!

[Cut to stills of the match, along with snippets of Mark and Scottys call.]

MS: BIG RIGHT HAND! What impact! Stunning offense by the rookie! Another! And another! And there's a left hand!

SW: Trey boots his testicles north for the winter! YEAH!

MS: HIPTOSS! Dustbuster Boys technical skills are amazing! And there's a VICIOUS reverse chinlock!

SW: Trey with a HUGE powerbomb! He's wiping the floor with the Dustbuster! HA! I slay me...

MS: Seth Harker grabbed Dustbuster Boys foot! The iAd are nothing but dirty cheaters! Wait, here comes the Snapmare Kid! He spins Seth around... SNAPMARE! SNAPMARE! SNAPMARE!

SW: It's busting loose in Tulsa, Mark... he's got the Dustbuster... WHAM! Right in Treys face!

MS: And the ref never saw it! A cover.. ONE! TWO! TREY KICKS OUT! No, he doesn't.

SW: He didn't, did he?

[Riffling of pages.]

SW: Was there a script change?

DB: Trey? Pssst, Trey! Oh, crap, I think I hit him too hard. Trey, wake up!

MS: Ummm... NEW CHAMPION! What an UPSET!

SW: Umm. Yeah. Yeah, that's great. *cough* How the hell are we going to explain this one?

[Cut to Mully, facing the camera. She raises a small device.]

Mully: Just look at the red light, please.

*FLASH*

Mully: It never happened, people. Thank you for your co-operation.

MTV V/O: ULA: UGLY LESBIAN ACTION!

[Cut to a still of two 300-pound, half-dressed woman grappling in a vat of congealed chicken gravy.]

Scottys Voice: Why are we being punished, Mike? Help me! Help MEEEEEEEE!

MTV V/O: THE 'INCREASE THE GOOGLE-RELATED WEBSITE HITS" MATCH!

[A blank screen.]

MS: Atomic drop! He's getting ASS-POUNDED! This is more fun than BRITTANY SPEARS PORN, huh Scotty?

SW: Hotter action than a BUSLOAD OF HOOKERS handing out FREE PORN and INFLABLE SEXTOYS while burning FREE MUSIC! And don't forget, fans, get all the UNCENSORED ACTION and HOT, STEAMY PICTURES of this match at bobwrestling.com! The password is "Illeagal"... Remember, ILLEAGAL PASSWORDS at bobwrestling! And you won't find any FREE DRUGS or HARDCORE JAPANESE INCEST VIDEOS at bobwrestling. No-siree!

MS: SPANK MY ASS and call me Percy, you've nailed that one, Scotty!

XXXtreme Machine: i want 2 c free sex muves

MS: Good for you!

MTV V-O: INSANO MANO vs KAMIKAZIE KEN vs MR. INTENSITY: TABLES, LADDERS, ELECTRIC CHAIRS, EXPLODING DUMPSTERS, BARBED-WIRE WRAPPED LAND-MINES, FIREWORKS, NAPALM AND ELECTRIC EELS DEATHMATCH!

[Cut to the trio standing in the street. In the background are firemen, hosing down the smouldering remains of a small sports arena.]

KK: Not bad, but we can top this...

MTV V-O: LOONY LENNY vs HOMICIDAL HANK: HELL IN A PADDED CELL II!

CHINK!SQUEAK!CHINK!SQUEAK!

MM: Homicidal Hank has busted out the Rubber Chicken full of Broken Glass! This is the bloodiest... and wackiest thing I've ever witnessed! Lenny has a bedpan!

SQUIDGY CLONK!

SW: A used one, at that!

NH: Ewwwww!

[Meanwhile, back at the podium, Gigantor attacks! Only UltraMegaMan can save us now!]

SW: (Baddly-dubbed) Look! It's Gigantor! RUN!

Emille: And the winner is...

Gigantor: RARRRRRGHHHHHHHH!

SQUISH!

MM: Oh, great! Now we'll never know!

[Cut to Mark Shill, waist-deep in oatmeal. Poink!]

MS: Could someone throw me a rope, please? Or some milk and brown sugar at the very least? *ahem* One of the true legends of low-budget parody wrestling is a violent, blunt-puffing Afro-American With Attitude! For years, douja reigned supreme, taking on all comers while shunning his own capital "D" in defiance of authority. But this foul-mouthed rebels finest moment came in BOB... and it was the GREATEST MOMENT IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT HISTORY!


BOB Spectacular Moment Number 3
douja Becomes The First-Ever OWTTM Champion.

[Blank screen]

CAPTION: Footage of douja winning the OWWTM is available on BOB's March Mayhem Highlights Tape. Go buy it, you cheap bastards!


[We back, y'all. doujas chillin' at the bar, yo. Poink.]

douja: C'mon bigBOSS. You gotta gimmie anudder chance, dogg! I need ta eat, ya cracka muddaf*cka!

BigB: Ask me nicely...

douja: I jus' DID, dogg!

[Exploding PANTS!]

BOOM!

GBH: Duh. Ow. Dat hurted. 'Scuse me.

[Hee hee hee. Poink. Huh?]

[Duh. Hi, Coma. Sorry 'bout dis.]

PUNCH!

Crowd: SIX!

[Duh. Ow. Coma hitted me.]

CROWD: SORRY, STILL FIVE!

SW: Man, how much longer is this show? What have we got left, two awards? Let's speed things up.Mike, rip out page 41 of your script. Where's my lighter?

POOF!

BirdBoy: How the hell did I get here? I was at the bar a second ago!

[And I was in the Little Flunkies Room!]

SW: Old Bookers trick. Just read the envelope, buddy.

BirdBoy: Whatever: The nominees for "BOB's Best Match Ever" are...

MTV V-O: BOB's GREATEST.eh....GOODEST...eh....MOST SO-SOEST MATCHES of ALL TIME! FULL COURT PRESS: THE BASKETBRAWL!

[Ultra-fast highlights zip past.]

MM: Scotty, would you put down that remote-control?

MTV V/O: KAMIKAZIE KEN vs BOB Q. FIENDISH: AYOOYFM TITLE MATCH!

Kamikazie Ken: I don't remeber that match...

Bobo Q. Fiendish: You're welcome. Heh.

MTV V/O: GLUTTONS FOR PUNISHMENT!

[A quick monatge of various BOB-sters sailing out of the ring.]

MTV V/O: THE KENT STATE KREW vs THE THREE GUYS: UNTELEVISED HOUSE SHOW, DETROIT MICHIGAN.

[A blank screen.]

Jim: That was a good match.

Sir Hungalot: Good? It was HUGE! And I should know.

Josh: Damn fine match. Too bad only 42 people saw it...

VP: Including the six of us.

MTV V/O: THE UNIVERSAL DONORS vs PRZSLWVK and GOFFER: FIRST-EVER "YGHF" TAG TITLE MATCH!

[Caption: NO FOOTAGE, BECAUSE P AND G WERE FRIENDS OF NEIGES. SO THERE.]

BirdBoy: And the winner is... GLUTTONS FOR PUNISHMENT!

[There is a pause, then a chaotic rush for the stage by all sixty participants. A few seconds later, Massive Man Rendition First emerges from the dogpile, clutching the slightly-bent award.]

MMRF: Mine! It's all mine! To the Massivemobile!

[He falls off the stage.]

SW: How much did HE have to drink?

DSB: Half a glass of hard lemonade, I think...

MM: Well, while we clear everyone off the stage, let's go back to Mark Shill!

MS: He was a prodigy! The mind of an experienced campaigner, the body of someone yet to colour within the lines. The youngest ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS in BOB's history! THIS, was the GREATEST MOMENT IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT HISTORY!


BOB Spectacular Moment Number 2
Hardcore JJ Wins the OWTTM

[Cut to footage of... Hardcore JJ winning the AYOOYFM title at Classix 3? The hell?]

[In the background, Hardcore JJ can be seen setting up a ladder behind Bohemoth. He scales it with amazing dexterity for a toddler and taps Bohemoth on the shoulder. Bo turns, only to be given a Hardcore Drop. He sells it like the champion he is, allowing JJ to cover. A few seconds later, the Generic Ref runs into shot, holding a Starbucks Frappucino. (How the hell he affords those on what we pay him is anyones guess... maybe he's selling drugs on the side?) He drops and counts the pinfall on Bohemoth as we cut to our final match.]


[Cut back to the podium. The BigBOSS can be heard, dictating a memo into his dictaphone.]

BigB: Memo: Fire incompetant video package crew.

MM: It's time for the final award of the night! And here to present it... The first man to sign with BOB. And of course, the first man to have his paycheck bounce all the way to the bank... JUSTIN VOSS!

JV: Thank YOU! I loves ya's all! *hic* Okay, here we go... the award you've all been waitin' for.... the BOB "Superstar of the Century"!! And the nominees are....

[Drum roll. Around Justin, pictures of the nominees appear, Oscar-style.]

MTV V/O: BOB SUPERSTAR OF THE CENTURY!

BILLY POLAR!
SILICONNE M. PLANTS!
LUKE WARM!
DOUJA!
BOBO Q. FIENDISH!
and JUSTIN VOSS!

JV: I'm nominated? Cool, I might be able to award this sucker to myself! Okay, here we go... the winner is.... The BigBOSS?

BB: YES!! I won! Superstar of the Century, baby! YEAH!

SW: WHAT?

MM: That can't be right!

[Mark Shill runs on-stage.]

MS: It's a SWERVE! WE'VE BEEN SWERVED!

Styles: OH MY GOD!

BigB: Gimmie that ward! (Massive boos) Oh, shut up, losers! Of course I won! I'm the BigBOSS! The Head Honcho! I sign your minimum-wage paychecks! I am your GOD! I own your ass, fatboy! I'm the King of the WORLD!

MM: I don't believe this! Well, let's go out on a high note at least... Mark, take us home!

MS: Sure, Mike! This is a moment that needs NO hype! No introduction! Because it was, simply put... the GREATEST MOMENT IN SPORTS ENTETTAINMENT HISTORY!


BOB Spectacular Moment Number 1
Neige dies!!! NAGAM 12

SW: Collar and elbow tie up...NEIGE COLLAPSES! Billy gently places his foot on Neige's chest...

Crowd: ONE... TWO... THREE!

MA: THE WINNER AND STILL SWISS ARMY CHAMPION...BILLY POLAR!

SMP: BWAAAAA HAA HAAAA! This is the greatest day ever!

SW: YES! Let the beatings begin! Here comes The Organ Grinder from the STWF and he has J. Fred Kokomo with him! They can't wait to get to Neige!

J Fred: REEEEE! REEEEE!

SW: He's flinging monkey poo on Neige! Feaces galore!

SMP: HA! He's rubbing it on Neige's head! Now his face matches that dookie covered snow cone he had tattooed on his arm! THIS IS GREAT!

SW: Here comes Bohemoth! Neige is unconscious in the middle of the ring! SMASHER! Bo's going up again! SMASHER! Up again... SMASHER! Another! SMASHER! WHOO HOO!

SMP: This crowd is going ab-so-lute-ly nuts! IT'S SOFT CORE ZACK! Could it be the wiffle ball bat? The Nerf rifle? What could Zack have in store for Neige?

Puppet voice from Zack: HELLO, BOY AND GIRLS!

SW: IT'S MR. JOCKO! Zack's highly soiled athletic supporter! And I'm not talking about those fat ladies from his high school Booster's Club, either! SMELL THE MAGIC! SMELL THE MAGIC! Whoo wee, I'm gonna piss my pants!

SMP: BWAAA HAA HAAA... HOO HOO HAAA HAAA HAAA! Too bad Zack has to return to prison after this, I could watch this stuff all night!

SW: Neige got a face full of Mr. Jocko! And he has the skid marks to prove it!

(Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger" begins to play. The building shakes with a thunderous roar)

SW: IT'S THE TIGER! THE TIGER! Ooooh, this is a long time coming! TIGER DRIVER! He nearly broke Neige in half with that one! Another one! And another!

SMP: And the hits just keep on coming...

SW: Insano Mano is back! He's taking a battered Neige over to a stack of ten tables! Through the crowd they go, some fans even getting in their licks! Insano takes Neige to the balcony and dumps him on top of the tables... a spotlight hits the rafters! It's Kamikazie Ken! KEN-TON BOMB!

SNAP!

THWACK!

CRACK!

SNAP!

CRUNCH!

CRACK!

THUMP!

SNAP!

CRACKLE!

POP!

SW: Oh yeah! That was sweet, but I think Ken might need some medical attention. Neige does too, but he won't get any.

SMP: LOOK AT THIS! IT'S GOFFER AND PZREMSLVK! They throw Neige back in the ring! They're putting the boots to him! Even his own created characters can't stand him! I LOVE IT!

(The sound of "Stuff Breaking" is heard. Scotty and SMP's commentary become barely audible over the cheering crowd)

SW: mppmpmpmhmpmh hmphmhmmhph LUKE WARM mpmmhphmp

SMP: hmpphmmxp mphmhmmpm hpmhmhpmh mmh

SW: STONECUTTER!

(Several minutes of Scotty and SMP's mouths moving, their announcing drowned out by mass hysterical cheering)

SW: We're running out of time... NO!

SMP: Buy more air time, buy more air time! Hell, I'll pay for it!

SW: The locker rooms are emptying! The Kent State Krew is on their way! The Three Guys! Homicidal Hank! Here comes Billy "Commissioner" Polar again! The Ambulance Jockeys! The OWCTM, Donald McKillalot! Da Sassy Bitch is running down the aisle! Mittens and Justin Voss! Viet Kong! There's Don't Ask/Don't Tell! Petey the Peanut Guy! Roy D. Rage! There's Zilla! Hey, it's Herb Romaine! And Claude Leroux! There's Necro Phil! The Head Trauma Boys! The Agency! Here comes douja!

SMP: Where? Ummm, I have to take a leak. And pick up some of those spiked whips Billy was talking about...

SW: WAIT! Where ya going? Der Kommisaar and The Right Hand Man are in the ring! SPIKE PILEDRIVER! The STWF honchos really flattened Neige's big ole ego inflated head with that one!

SW: Fans! We're out of time! Everybody ever listed on the STWF or BOB roster, and those in BOB that never got on the roster, because the management never gets around to it! They're ALL in the ring stomping Neige to death!


[Cut back to the podium. Thunderous cheers are shaking the roof.]

MM: Thanks for watching, ladies and gentlemen... it's been a hell of a ride, and BOB's best is still to come! Probably! From all the BOB staff, I'm Mike "The Monotone" Monroe saying thank you.. and goodnight from BOB's 36-Month Anniversay Awards!

[Fade out. And keep ordering the Pay-Per-Views!]


© 2003 BOB Wrestling. Lateness is our thing.

 

© BOB Wrestling!

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