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BigBOSS: Clive, what are you doing here?

[BigBOSS was sitting behind some big computer doohickey thing with levers and buttons and junk. It appeared to have been set up in a closet of some sort.]

Clive The Camera Guy: Uh, didn’t you ax me to be here, eh? To film that Behind The Wrestling show? Eh?

BigB: Ohhh, right. Good one. *Wink* Yep. You just caught me here, doing absolutely nothing involving the bending of time and space for my own amusement and to fill another episode of Classix. *Wink*

Clive: Uhhh, okay...

BigB: But anyhow. In my spare time, I enjoy playing with computers, as you can probably see. This is actually something I handcrafted after years and years of tireless work.

[The camera zooms in on something written on the side of the machine. © 2003 Dr. Azathoth.]

BigB: What’s that? How did that get there? You can edit that out later, right?


BigB: Whoops.

Clive: Whoops?

BigB: I mean, uh...whoops?

[That was when something rather odd happened. The electricity went off on his room and bright blue flashes were seen. That and sounds of whooshing and thunder. And then, things went back to normal.]

BigB: Well, that was quite AHHHH! Who are you and what are you doing in my home?

Nowell: I was invited.

BigB: Clive?

Clive: Don't look at me.

BigB: I have to, you're the cameraman.

Clive: Hey, is that a videotape in your pants, or....

Nowell: Finish that line and I'll cram this video tape down your throat.

BigB: Hey now. A little respect. I know he's Canadian, but still. Wait. I recognize you. You're that, uh, that guy. From that place. What did they call you...Captain Forehead?

Nowell: Adam Nowell. My forehead isn't that big.

Clive: Say, BOSS, you think if you put that videotape into your VCR, it would play, eh?

BigB: There isn't porn on that tape, is there son? Because we are a family program. Brawlers On a Budget does not condone dripping candlewax on the testicles or using a cheese grater on private areas or whatever else you kids are into these days.

Nowell: What in the HELL are you talking about? I came here because some guy invited me to come and bring some stupid video tape to you just for something relating to Classix. I don't even want to be here.

BigB: Oh....kay then. Let's put that tape into the machine and, uh, see what we've got. Let me just take out this tape...

[BigBOSS ejects a tape from the machine and puts it aside. The new tape is inserted.]

Nowell: *examining tape* Beach Babe Blowout `03?

[And woila, we've got the end of this segment and the start of this one...]

I Will Remember You, Act I

Adam Nowell sat at a table, his feet propped up on said table, while he thought about stuff. Mostly, he thought about new and exciting ways to hit David Flair in the face, but he also thought about how he would go about his match, tonight, against Carson Nash.

So, in came John Rocker in a panic, "Don't fuckin' do it, man! Life's worth fuckin' living, as long as there's no chinks or darkies roamin' around!"

Nowell looked over at Rocker, then went back to thinking.

Rocker didn't like being ignored, "Hey, fuck you, man, I'm supposed to be helping you and shit."

"If you want to help me, then please feel free to have the hell beaten out of you by a huge group of minorities again." Nowell said, before he looked at Rocker with a small grin on his face, "Trust me, I hadn't been that entertained in a long time."

"Neither have I," said a blonde woman as she entered the room. She stared at Nowell, her face expressionless. "That was quite impressive. Of course, I would've ripped your knee apart and let you die a proper jobberly death," she said to Rocker.

Nowell blinked. His facial expression went from shock, then disgust, then fear, then disgust again, "OH, JESUS H. CHRIST HELL ON A GOD DAMN POGO STICK! Can't you leave me the HELL alone, Sarah!?"

Sarah looked at Rocker. "You have two options. Run, or run really fast," she said, pulling a weapon out from her waistline. Rocker's eyes went wide, as he feared he was about to get shot by some fuckin' bitch, so he took option B and ran really fast out of the room. Sarah looked down at the weapon in her hand.

A banana.

Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" was in Action. She slowly peeled the banana and put it to her lips. She looked at Nowell, the great love of her life she could never have, and slowly bit into the banana, looking at Nowell with puppy-dog eyes. Then she started talking.

"You know, Angel...things were really starting to pick up for me in BOB. I was beating up jobbers. Learning how to cook banana nut bread. Learning how to make tea cozies. But then, I get a message from BigBOSS that I was needed in Action. I don't even know what Action is. But he told me you were in trouble. From what I've seen, you seriously need a visit to the local chapter of Puppiless Anonymous. You need help, Angel."

Nowell glared at Sarah "the Jobber Slayer" for a few agonizing moments before he hopped off of his position and into a standing base, "I want nothing to do with a puppy of any kind. I'm a cat person, anyway."

"Angel, this isn't easy for me either. It's just if you're gonna go all evil on everyone...again...I'm gonna have to be the one to bust your kneecap. And I can't do that. I once found your puppy. I can help you find it again."

From outside in the hallway, there was the barking sound of a small "kick-me" sized puppy.

Sarah innocently looked at the ceiling and started whistling.

Nowell glared at Sarah, "Since when was I ever evil!? And since when would YOU ever bust MY kneecap?"

"It's my sacred duty. As a Slayer. It's my job to stop the jobbers. My job is to end jobs. You know that. You're crying out for help, but you're the only one who can't hear it. Maybe we should take you to an eye, ear and throat specialist after the PA meeting," Sarah pondered, crossing her arms and stroking her chin with her right hand.

"PA meeting? Oh no, no no no. You're not getting me to go anywhere with you. I'm going right out that door, I'm going to walk to the ring... pausing momentarily so I can give David Flair his Weekly Punch In The Face, and then I'm going to beat Carson Nash within an inch of his life. Then I'm gonna come back here, leave, then go get drunk so I can pretend that you didn't just come here to talk to me about puppies." Nowell said.

"Oh no. You've got to fight a Nash? You're in no shape to fight a Nash in your condition. You're puppiless in Sacramento!"

That's when the door crashed open and David Flair walked into the room. "Hey."

Adam Nowell's squinted at David Flair and immediately went to deliver on his promised Weekly Punch-InThe-Face. But as Nowell swung, David Flair ducked, ran towards Sarah, saw her fist being readied to smash his face, ducked again, screamed and ran out of the room.

"Friend of yours?" Sarah asked.

"No, he's the aforementioned David Flair. His face has a magnetic response to my fist." Nowell said.

"Let's go get him," Sarah suggested, heading for the door. "No arguments. I'll do this to help you, but that's it. Some of us aren't slackers," Sarah said, waiting for Nowell to come with him and hunt down David Flair and punch him many times.

Nowell glared at her.

"The sooner we get him, the sooner I can leave," Sarah said, pouting. "And let you get back to your precious big manly, foreheady brooding," she said walking out the door.

[With the screen black for several seconds, BigBOSS and Nowell turned to each other.]

BigB: I don’t remember sending Sarah to you. As a matter of fact, I don’t even know you. When were you on a BOB show?

Nowell: I got dragged here by Sarah for your little battle royale thing last year, then I got drunk with Trey Vincent and Norm Peterson afterwards.

Clive: Eh, you know who else has a puppy? Little Good, eh?

Nowell: I don't have a puppy, god dammit. Why does everyone insist that I have one? Hell, for all I care, Little Good can have the stupid puppy.

BigB: Well, I don't think there'd be room in BOB for two jobbers with puppies. That'd just be silly. Though I am trying to find somebody to play one half of a Siamese tag team I'm trying to put together. How would you feel about a little surgery? Dr. Mengela is one of the best in the business!

Nowell: One word, no. Two words, HELL no.

BigB: Eh, fair enough. Oh, look, something is happening on the screen there...

I Will Remember You, Act II

In the hallways of the arena, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" led Adam Nowell. She was armed with a new banana in her right hand, holding it close to her breasts. She peered left and right, opening doors and checking out the insides to see where David Flair had escaped to.

"Where do you think he's heading?" Sarah asked Nowell.

Nowell merely pointed at a closet door that had, "Nope! David Flair is SO not hiding in here! If you're Adam Nowell, please don't look in this room!"

Sarah nodded and put her hand on the knob. She looked back at Nowell and quickly turned the knob. Inside, the room was dark. "Wow, it smells kind urine in here," Sarah noted as she cautiously entered.

"He probably wet himself." Nowell commented.

"Ahhhh. David. It's me. Eliza The Jobber Slayer. Hahahaha," Sarah said, doing a the single WORST impersonation of the only other Jobber Slayer on the planet. Eliza was a screamer, much like Daffney from WCW...well, mainly because Eliza *was* Daffney from WCW.

"If you use the Frankenscreamer on him, I'm leaving."

"That would be rather awkward. Much like our entire encounter here, "Sarah said, turning around to face Nowell. "I mean, it's so much easier when I don't remember you. Your spiky brown hair. That vacant look in your eyes. Your sexy eyebrow scars...." She stared at Nowell, smiling, totally forgetting what she had been saying.

"Well, if you close your eyes and let me bash your brains in with this convieniently placed broom handle, you'll forget about me." Nowell said with a wink.

"A broom handle? Wow, that'd kind of...kinky," she said, batting her eyes at him and doing that thing with her lips that she does. The half-smile thing, not that other thing.

"Um, excuse me?" a voice that sounded just like David Flair's called out, "Are you Adam Nowell and Sarah the Jobber Slayer?"

"Aww, he discovered my secret identity," Sarah said, pouting. "I guess I should have used that money for acting school instead of these new red leather pants. But aren't they hot!"

"No," Nowell said, suddenly using a surprisingly decent country accent, "No, I reckon I ain't this `ere Nowell feller."

Sarah walked towards an upside down rubber trash barrel and lifted it up. There was David Flair, sitting Indian style. He tried to get up quickly, but found that his legs had gone to sleep.

"Wiggle your big toe," David Flair commanded himself. But his attempt to force his legs to work was interrupted when he saw one of Nowell's fists coming straight for his nose.


Flair went flying into the ceiling whereupon he was stuck with his legs flailing about in the vain attempt to get out.

"Now you can wiggle your legs." Nowell said to Flair.

"Oh look," Sarah said, grabbing Nowell's punching hand. "You got some of Flair's blood on your hand. Hope you didn't have any open wounds or you two will be blood brothers."

Nowell jerked his hand away from Sarah, "No, that's your nail polish that you painted on my hand when I wasn't looking."

"Hey, this calls for celebration. I'll go get the ice cream. You still like Double Chocolate Chip?" Sarah asked.

"Damn right I do... but, uh, I have, like, a match with that Nash guy." Nowell said, brushing back his trenchcoat to reveal the black T-shirt underneath that read "CARSON NASH: LIKE KEVIN, ONLY CRAPPIER".

"Alright. You know I don't want you fighting, though. I'll hurry back. Just don't go out there without me. Can't have any badness happening to my honey."

With that, Sarah headed toward the door, beginning her quest for the ice cream.

"Whatever." Nowell said, before he headed off to the ring.

[Back in BigBOSSes house.]

BigB: Well, Nowell. Seems as though this is turning into somewhat of a clip show to my surprise. *Ahem* So, we might as well keep going. And don't worry, Nowell. I'll get you back to that 'Action' place.

Nowell: Are you kidding? That place now makes this place seem normal.

[BigBOSS walked over to his computer thing and began looking things over.]

BigB: I'm sure there is a how-to guide somewhere around here. Let's see.

[BigBOSS picks up a textbook that appears to be a foot thick.]

BigB: So, you and Sarah still seeing each other? You kids have such great chemistry together it seems.

Nowell: That lunatic? I keep trying to get away from her.

BigB: Really? Even with that banana trick I heard she does?

Nowell: Yes.

BigB: I try to figure out how to send Adam Nowell back to, uh...where would you like to go? I could probably send you to any dimension you'd like.

Nowell: Hell, I'd settle on fWEo at this point.

BigB: Well, as I try to send Nowell there, you fans can watch that (he said, pointing over to his television screen for a not-so-fancy, but effective, transition.

I Will Remember You, Act III

If you haven't already noticed, Adam Nowell hated Sarah "the Jobber Slayer" and didn't want to have anything to do with her. So, that's why Nowell was trying every stupid thing in the book to wish her away.

First, he blew out some candles, "I wish Sarah the Jobber Slayer would leave me the hell alone."

Then he pulled out a wishbone and called over who was apparently Kurt Angel.

"Golly, what do you want with that wishbone?"

"I want to wish Sarah the Jobber Slayer away."

"Alright, sure. Anything to help out a fan of perpetrating violence on John Rocker." Angel grabbed hold of half the bone and they pulled.


There was a pause as Nowell made his mental wish to be rid of Sarah.

"Monkey paws, get your monkey paws. Good for wishing, RIGHT HERE," a vendor shouted in the hallway. "Guaranteed to make all your troubles go away. Only $15!"

"That's convenient." Nowell said.

Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" saw a vendor yelling about monkey paws leaving Adam Nowell. She hop-walked up to him and saw him clutching a paw. One of its three wishing fingers had curled down. "Hey. What's up?" Sarah asked. She looked at Kurt Angel. "Hey...aren't you..." then she looked back at Nowell. "Whatcha doing?"

"Wishing you away." Nowell said, bluntly.

In the background, Kurt Angel was flipping through the radio channels and paused on "I Will Remember You" by Sarah McLachlan. "Oh man, that song is depressing." He flipped the channels, stopped on "Ironic" by Alanis Morissette and walked out of the room.

"What? It's not fair. How long do we have?" Sarah asked, raising an onion "I even brought an onion. We were going to cut it up together and put it on top of your ice cream!"

Nowell shrugged, "A minute? I dunno how long these take to work." He paused, "And ONION? I don't like onions!"

Sarah suddenly began crying. The onion and the emotion of this momentous goodbye was far too much for her to take. She grabbed hold of Nowell and squeezed him tight.

"Angel! I won't forget you. I won't forget you." She blew her nose on his shirt. "I won't forget you!"

"My shirt! You ruined my shirt!"

And with that, on the boombox behind Nowell came these lyrics:

I don't know maybe that's true
'cause you got me babe
I got you.
I got you babe
I got you babe!

From the song "I've Got You, Babe" by Sonny and Cher.

Nowell looked down and saw that Sarah was gone. Her snot was still there, but she was gone.

Nowell jumped for joy, "Whoo! Rid of her AGAIN!"

John Rocker came in suddenly, "What the hell is that racket?"

Nowell punched Rocker in the face, "And now all is right with the world!"

[Back to BigBOSSes place.]

BigBOSS: I think I have it!

[That was when something rather odd happened. Again. The electricity went off on his room and bright blue flashes were seen. That and sounds of whooshing and thunder. And then, things went back to normal.]

BigB: Well, that was quite AHHHH! Who are you and what are you doing in my home?

Kurt Angel: The name is Angel...Kurt Angel...

Nowell: You.

Angel: Me? You.

Nowell: No. You.

Angel: Me? You! (He turns to BigBOSS) You!

BigB: Me? (To Angel) You! (To Nowell) And you!

Angel: What the FRICK is going on? Did I have a moment of impure anger? Nowell, did you slip me some more pills and make me turn heel again?

Nowell: No, why would I do the same crap plan twice? What do I look like, a Bond villian?

Clive: Hey, is that a videotape in your pants, or....

Angel: Are YOU talking to ME? Golly, yes, it is a videotape. I wonder how that got in there. No wonder why I'm so sore...

BigB: Ahh, I fear we're only halfway through this clip show now. Let's toss that in the VCR and see what else went on in this Action dimension. A place even stranger than BOB, according to this Nowell fellow.

Nowell: Seriously, you have to see it. They're handing out titles and LLB is in the main event... it's a netherworld!


Two pairs of boots walked down an echoey hallway backstage. Slowly, the camera panned up to reveal a pair of black leather pants. The legs appeared to belong to a woman, being rather thin and shapely. Then, the legs stopped their walking and ducked inside of a room as the sound of somebody else's footsteps was heard.

The footsteps of Adam Nowell.

The mysterious woman left the door open a couple of inches and readied a weapon. A slingshot. And a banana. As soon as she saw Nowell's figure walk by the door, she sprung into action, pulling the door open and swiftly aiming the banana at Nowell's legs.


Nowell looked down at the banana as it stopped just sort of hitting him, splattering in such a way that it left a banana peel on the floor. Then he looked up. Then he looked down again. Then he looked up. And down. Then he looked up again.

"Okay, did I miss a food fight?" he asked out loud. "Or was I supposed to slip on this banana peel in what would've no doubt have been a comical gag?" he added moments later.

"AHHHHH!" came the reply of Nowell's would-have-been-if-not-for-better-aim attacker. A woman with skin so white it made Michael Jackson still look black, and with long black hair, sporting the goth look of sorts. She looked a lot like Daffney, too, that screamy chick from WCW. But, don't be confused any longer, for she was Eliza "The Jobber Slayer." A Rogue Slayer who plays by her own rules. "Angel, it's MEEE!" Eliza screamed. "And I'm gonna GET YOU! AHHHHH!"

Eliza turned and started running away from Nowell, and ran right into Kurt Angel.

"Pardon me, ma'am," Angel said. "Say, I don't believe we've met. My name is Angel. Kurt Angel."

That's when Eliza dug into her pants and pulled out a piece of paper. At the top, it said "Wrestlers I Need To Slay And Torture For Mysterious Reasons And Payback!" Number 1: Adam "Angel" Nowell. Number 2: Kurt Angel. Number 3: David Flair.

"Kurt Angel! AHHHHHHH!"

Eliza jumped up, wrapped her legs around Angel's head and hit a FRANKEN-SCREAMER, taking Angel down to the floor.

"AHHHHHH!" Eliza screamed at Angel. "AHHHHHH!" Eliza screamed at Nowell again.

Then she ran away.

Angel pushed himself up to his feet and looked over at Nowell.

"Who the freaking heck was that?" Angel asked Nowell.

"Hell if I know. We're wrestlers. We're not supposed to remember anyone from about six months ago. But given the banana she tried to shoot me with, I'd say she's a jobber slayer." Nowell said. He paused, hesitated, and held his head as if he had a headache, "CHRIST. Did I actually just say all of that with a straight face?!"

"A jobber slayer? Another one of your ex-girlfriends?" Angel asked with a chuckle.

Nowell punched Angel.

You know, like he usually would once Angel made a joke like that.

"NO. Especially not one that can barely speak coherently without screaming first!"

" seems she wants to torture and slay us both for some reason. But I have an idea, Nowell," Angel said, stroking his chin. "We could do this like champions. Or...we could head to the bar and let her torture and slay David Flair while we get drunk. Because frankly, I don't like to hit women. And I want you to be at 100 percent when we wrestle live on pay-per-view at Double Down. December 31. On pay-per-view, buster!"

There was a long, agonizing pause.

Then Nowell blinked.

"...We're wrestling at the pay-per-view? Why wasn't I told?" Nowell asked.

"What? You thought I'd let you get away with tying me up to a chair and forcing me to watch Battlefield Earth? And Glitter? And Gigli! This thing is personal, now, buster," Angel said.

"Just be lucky I didn't make you sit through Spice World and Crossroads." Nowell shot back.

From somewhere in the distance, the sound of Eliza screaming and David Flair pleading for mercy was heard.

"Nowell, at Double Down, you're gonna submit. Not false, SO not false. And you better pray that I don't bust that gigantic forehead open. Because you might just drown in your own blood."

Nowell started to bust out laughing. Not because David Flair was getting the unholiest of hells kicked out of him, but just the prospect of him tapping out to anything Kurt Angel could do to him was simply hilarious to him.

He walked away, still laughing.

[Back at BigBOSSes house.]

KA: Golly, I don't remember that happening. Are you SURE that happened?

Nowell: Like I said. Netherworld.

KA: But I am starting to remember that I didn't like you very much, Nowell. Battlefield Earth? I'm still a little fuzzy with the dimension hopping, but I do remember you tying me up and torturing me."

BigB: Was there candlewax involved?


Nowell: WHAT?

BigB: Nothing, never mind...

Nowell: You have a sick mind... uh... whoever you are.

BigB: Oh, how terribly rude of me. I am the BigBOSS. Mwahahahaha!

Nowell: So... what? The guy in the brackets seems to hold more sway here than you do.

BigB: Oh...well...

[BigBOSS turned his head away and bit his knuckle and whined.]

KA: Now look what you've done. There's no way he's gonna send you to another dimension now. But I'm sure he can send me easily up to Heaven, back where I belong.

Nowell: *laughs incessantly* Oh, man, BigBOSS spent all this time trying to bring you BACK here. I mean, that's why I even associated myself with Trey Vincent!

KA: Let's just watch some more of this frickin' tape. I hope he sends you into a Jobber Slaying Federation, Nowell...

Nowell: I hope he sends you to a Battlefield Earth Federation.


In the dark, scary basement, all that could be heard were screams. David Flair was tied to a chair, with various objects of torture scattered around him — shards of glass, a blow torch, a John Tesh CD — but the screams weren't coming from Flair. After all, he had passed out after about two seconds of torture. No, these were the screams of delight of Eliza "The Jobber Slayer."

Eliza turned around as she heard the sound of a door being violently kicked inward. She stared to see who was coming to save David Flair, her former boyfriend.

Adam Nowell casually strolled toward the scene of the torture.

"Hey." Nowell said.

"Bout time, puppy boy. Ready to play?" Eliza asked, putting a knife to Flair's throat.

"You, uh, have the blunt end at his throat." Nowell pointed out. There was a pause, then he said something else, "Plus, it's a butter knife."

"Do you have a BETTER idea?" Eliza asked.

Nowell smiled a disturbingly evil smile. "Two words: Battlefield. Earth."

"AHHH!" Eliza roared with a gigantic smile. "I LOVE IT!"

The doors crashed open again. Eliza and Nowell turned to see who was making the kick the doors open entrance THIS time.

Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" was back in Action. Again.

"So it is true, isn't it, Angel," Sarah said, staring between Eliza, David Flair and Nowell. "You broke up with me because you wanted a threesome with a screamer and a young blond boy."

Nowell glared at Sarah.

"Okay. Seriously. Get your mind out of the gutter. Now."

"It doesn't matter anyway," Sarah said, pacing back and forth. "When Styles told me that Eliza was on her way here to kick every square inch of your ass, I decided I might warn you. But instead, I find you torturing with her? Angel, torture is not cool. I brought you guys a couple pamphlets to show you," Sarah said, pulling out one for Nowell and Eliza. Eliza grabbed them from Sarah's hand.

"SARAH—" Eliza started.

"You try to apologize, I'll take you on a trip down Ikickedyourassoncebeforeandwilldoitagain Lane," Sarah said, glaring at Eliza, who backed off.

That's when Sarah wound up and punched Nowell in the face, the same thing Nowell would do to a David Flair or Kurt Angel and get a big kick out of it.

Nowell no-sold it.

Just to be a prick.

"You hit like a girl." he added.

Just to be a prick.

That's when Sarah raised her index and middle finger knuckles and whacked Nowell in the nuts.

Nowell predictably fell over. I mean, what was he going to do? No-sell a hit in his manhood? That wouldn't be manly, now would it?

"Ow!" he said.

Sarah looked down at him and shook her head. "Bring your rogue whore with you out to the ring. Tonight, we're gonna settle this the old-fashioned way. With me punching and kicking both of you, with an occasional throw and hurraconrana thrown in, followed up with the breaking of your kneecaps. You two can face me and a partner of my choice. Kurt Angel!"

Nowell looked up at Sarah, and despite the blinding pain he was going through thanks to the shot to his nuts, he still tried to get his usual 'I don't really care about any of you people, god dammit' personality back into the forefront again, "Uh, okay."

KA: Wow, you're a real prick.

[That was Kurt Angel's assessment of Adam Nowell as we returned back to BigBOSSes house. Where Kurt and Adam are both trapped because of some fluke involving a computer that can manipulate what dimensions wrestlers are in. Just in case you just started reading here, now you're all caught up.]

Nowell: *beam* I try.

KA: So...this is pretty much just a filler segment, I see.... Too bad we couldn't get John Leary and Mike Renner to write THIS segment.

BigB: What do you want from me? It costs money to hire bookers!

Nowell: It costs money to have electricity, too.

KA: And electricity doesn't grow on trees.

Clive: Leaves grow on trees, eh?

KA: Speaking of leaves, boy would I like to leave this segment, and this federation. Like, now.

Nowell: That was the worst lead-in I have ever heard.

BigB: And I am in NO WAY had anything to do with Dr. Azathoth getting beamed into another dimension so I could steal his machine for myself! I know all three of you were thinking it, BUT YOU'RE WRONG! So how about we keep watching this mysterious tape then? Alrighty then!

Nowell: Wait, we never even mention Dr. Azatho---

[And then we cut to the next part of the tape.]

Adam Nowell & Eliza The Jobber Slayer vs. Kurt Angel & Sarah The Jobber Slayer

Loud screaming to a rhythmic beat began to play over the speakers, and out charged Eliza "The Jobber Slayer," running like a female version of the Ultimate Warrior. She was wearing a red "I Make Boys Cry" T-shirt. She bounced around ringside, screaming and laughing, before she went into the ring and bounced around in there, screaming and laughing and waving to the crowd.

Then "Current" by the Blue Man Group hit, and Adam Nowell just kinda walked out to the ring. Nowell wore a "PLEASE. CHANGE THE CHANNEL. NOW. I MEAN IT." T-shirt. He didn't really know how this match came about, it's just that he didn't appear to really want to be out here, if only because he knew that this match was going to really, really, really, REALLY suck. Anyway, Nowell entered the ring. He debated upon the possibility of punching either Eliza or Ref Reffington, but decided against either option.

With that, "I Don't Like The Drugs (But The Drugs LIke Me)" by Marilyn Manson hit the speakers. Out stepped Kurt Angel and Sarah "The Jobber Slayer." Angel was sporting his Salt Lake City Is Almost As Cool As Heaven! T-shirt. Sarah was in a black, sleeveless T-shirt and black leather pants. Angel paused for a moment and raised his arms in the air, waiting for a pyro explosion that never came, before strutting down the aisle behind Sarah. They both climbed into the ring, getting a decent reaction of cheers from the crowd.

The referee called for and got the bell. Sarah and Eliza headed to the apron, as the men were going to start this one off. Both men circled each other for a moment before Angel approached Nowell and landed a punch to the side of Nowell's head.

Nowell didn't really sell the punch, but he did sell the fact that he was surprised that it had hit him.

"Hey! I thought you said you wanted me at a hundred percent for the pay-per-view!" he complained.

Angel paused and thought about this fact for a moment. "You know what, Nowell? You're right! I don't want you making any excuses after I make you submit." That's when Angel pointed toward Eliza. "I want her!"

"In a sexual way?"

"Golly, no!" Angel said, blushing.

"AHHHH!" Eliza screamed, holding out her hand for Nowell to tag her into the match. "Tag me or I'll scream, AHAHAHAHAHA!"

Nowell grumbled. And tagged Eliza in.

Eliza hopped and skipped around the ring as Angel pivoted to keep her in his sights. Angel and Eliza got tangled up with a collar-and-elbow tie up. Angel powered Eliza into the corner and slowly, they untangled their arms. Angel swung back, ready to smash her head with a punch, but paused.

"Hey!" Eliza shouted. "I thought you wouldn't hit a woman! AHHHHH!"

"Gosh darn it!" Angel said, jumping up and down in frustration.

"Oh, Kurt?" Sarah called from the apron. "I'll gladly kick that ass!"

Angel smiled, nodded and headed right for Sarah.

The tag was made.

Sarah entered the ring.

The girls charged at each other.

The crowd cheered.

That was when a fellow by the name of Styles (Mikey, Joey's "cousin" from Brawlers On a Budget) ran out to the announce booth. "CATFIGHT! CAAAAAATFIIIIIIIIIGHT!" he screamed, before being pounced upon by Action security and pulled away.

Nowell shouted at Styles as he was being pulled away, "Dammit, Styles! Stop trying to get into arenas that you don't belong in!"

Sarah got on top of Eliza and grabbed two handfuls of hair. She rammed Eliza's head hard into the mat three times before Eliza lifted her legs up and reversed Sarah into a sunset flip.



Kickout by Sarah.

Both women kipped up. Sarah tried a front kick, but Eliza blocked it and tripped Sarah to the mat. She then grabbed Sarah by the shirt and tossed her into the corner of the ring, sending Sarah shoulder first into the steel post. Eliza pulled Sarah out and punched her.

And punched her.

And punched her some more.


Sarah lifted both of her feet up and sent Eliza flying across the ring with a kick to the chest area.

Nowell closed his eyes, "Ooh, that'll leave a mark."

Angel held his hand out for a tag. Sarah slapped it. Angel came in. Realized he couldn't touch either of his opponents. And tagged Sarah back in.

"Indecisive, much?" Sarah asked, before charging toward Eliza and hitting her in the face. Sarah then connected with a spinning forearm smash to the side of Eliza's head. Eliza collapsed to the mat. Sarah tried to get Eliza back up, but she shoved her away.

Sarah stopped and looked at Angel. Then Nowell. Then Ref Reffington.

"What are you looking at ME for?" Reffington asked.

"She's crying!" Sarah said, pouting. "There's no crying in wrestling!"

"Unless you're, like, Coral Avalon or something." Nowell wise-cracked. Then he rolled his eyes and threw his hands up in the air, "That's it. I'm leaving. I don't really want to be part of this."

And thus, he started to leave.

"Well if he's leaving, I'm leaving," Angel decided. "Especially since I can't touch Nowell or Miss Screamsalot there."

Angel began following Nowell up the aisle.

"WAAAAAAAAHHHH!" cried Eliza.

Sarah shrugged. "And on the day Webster's redefined pathetic, I can say I was there. Screw this, I'm not even getting paid."

And with that, Sarah left the ring.

Ref Reffington looked down at Eliza. He also wanted to say "screw this" and leave, but he had a job to do. So he started counting.











And with that, loud screaming to a rhythmic beat began to play over the speakers. Eliza suddenly stopped crying as she realized she had just won the match by countout. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" she laughed. She hugged Ref Reffington and danced with him in circles in the ring, thus ending one of the strangest matches in Action history.

Outcome: AHHHHH via AHHHHHH!

[Back at BigBOSSes place...]

BigB: Alright. In some odd coincidence, I have finally figured out that I only have enough juice left in this machine to send one of you away. So. In typical solve problems through wrestling style, I guess you two will have to have a wrestling match. Whoever wins will be shot back to a dimension of their choosing. While the loser (BigB said turning to Angel) stays in BOB forever. MWAHAHAHA.

KA: I suddenly have a funny feeling about this match...

Nowell: Me too. I think you're gonna get screwed over.

KA: Well, me and Nowell were supposed to wrestle in Las Vegas. Should we head over there?

BigB: *Pfffft* Right. Let me just pull out a big wad of money and give it to you so you can wrestle. That makes a lot of sense. End sarcasm.

Nowell: Begin sardonic response. You're a jackass. End sardonic response.

KA: Do you expect us to just wrestle in your living room here?

BigB: Of course not! I was figuring the back yard would work fine. Backyard wrestling is quite popular these days from what I hear. I might as well cash in on the craze if I can. Besides, I have to cook a couple burgers for me and the wife. Two birds with one stone.

Nowell: *laughing* You have a wife and kids?

BigB: Just a wife, actually. Oh, honey!

[Mrs. Behave walks out.]

MB: Hello boys. Stuart, have you been messing around with that blasted machine again?

BigB: What? No...The boys just popped over to wrestle.

MB: Sure, Stuart. Boys, would you like to stay for burgers after you're done wrestling?

BigB: What? Do you have any idea how much meat products cost?!

MB: (Sternly) Stuart... Boys? What do you say?

KA: Golly, sure. Especially if you have some Hawaiian Punch.

Nowell: *laughing* Your name is STUART?

Adam Nowell vs. Kurt Angel (Winner Gets The HELL Out of BOB)

[We returned to BigBOSSes backyard. He was sipping from a cup of coffee and looking around on the mostly cloudy day.]

Clive: Eh, we're on, BigBOSS.

BigBOSS: Ah, right. OK then. Lady and gentleman, the following is a Winner Gets The HELL Out of BOB match. Introducing first.

[The camera cuts over to Mrs. Behave, who has a small boombox in her hand. She flips on the radio and randomly begins tuning the dial. "Lithium" by Nirvana starts about two-thirds of the way through.]

BigB: Introducing first. From Heaven. Kurt, Angeeeeeel!

[Kurt walks out from BigBOSSes' backdoor and pauses there for a moment. He raises his hands up in the air and then continues walking the last five steps toward BigBOSS. It isn't a very big backyard after all.]

BigBOSS: And his opponent.

[The camera cuts over to Mrs. Behave who begins tuning the radio again. She settles on "Dream On" by Aerosmith, which is just at the second verse.]

BigBOSS: From, uh, somewhere, Adam Noweelllllllll!

[Adam Nowell stepped from the back door, and glanced around at whatever he could possibly use to pummel everyone within a mile radius of this backyard. Disappoined that BigBOSS was too cheap to even have a wiffleball bat, Nowell took four steps forward and ended up face-to-face with Angel. He then turned to BigBOSS.]

Adam Nowell: This place isn't big enough for the two of us.

KA: Is that supposed to be some sort of threat? Or some sort of accurate observation.

BigB: Oh, come on boys, this yard is plenty big. Look. You've got trees. And some bushes. And some grass.

KA: Grass?

BigB: Yeah. You're standing on it.

KA: Ohhh, that kind of grass. Whatever. Nowell. This interdimensional feud is coming to an end. Right

[Nowell started to walk away.]

KA: Where are you going?

AN: You said this feud was coming to an end! That means I can leave, right?

BigB: BigBOSS here with Mrs. Behave and we'll be providing commentary for this ultimate grudge match of doom.

MB: How did you like my D.J. skills, Stuart.

BigB: Very impressive.

KA: Oh no, Nowell. I've got some parting gifts for you first.

BigB: And, what the hell? Kurt Angel just jumped about 15 feet in the air and landed on the other side of Nowell. He lands a punch to Nowell's head.

AN: ...What in the hell was THAT?

KA: Umm...a punch?

MB: What is up with Nowell's T-shirt.


MB: Not a very nice fellow, is he?

AN: *shouting* What, I'm supposed to be nice, now?! I'm stuck fighting a BOB reject in your backyard!

AN: *turns to Angel* Now then, about that punch...

BigB: Oh my, Nowell just punched Angel and sent him flying!

MB: Man, Angel just went flying as if we were in the Matrix or some other made up sort of world. I've never seen him bouncing around this much before.

BigB: It is a bit strange. Kurt! Kurt! I know you're on the ground there and now getting pummeled by Adam Nowell's fists, but I've got to know...did you eat some Mexican jumping beans before this match? Kurt? Kurt?

[Kurt lifts his feet up into Nowell's stomach and tosses him up over his head. Nowell does an almost perfect 720 spin in the air before landing on his feet.]

AN: *looks around* Jesus, I couldn't even do a moonsault. How the hell did I do that?

BigB: Well, Kurt seems to be ignoring me. He gets to his feet and goes for a pirouette type of kick, but now, he seems to be stuck in mid-air, going around and around in a circle. What the heck is going on here?

MB: I think these guys might be wearing wires?

BigB: WHAT? Damn you, FBI!!!

MB: Not THOSE sort of wires...stunt wires.

BigB: Where's my shotgun?

MB: You had to sell it to pay the phone bill, remember?

BigB: Oh, right...damn my luck. Well, Kurt is still spinning around and around like a human version of a record album.

MB: CD, hon. Records are outdated.

BigB: They are? Since when?

AN: *shouting* Since about the last FOREVER ago!

MB: Ah, Kurt just grabbed hold of Nowell's ear to stop spinning around in a circle. But now he's got some serious dizziness going on.

AN: Let go of my ear, dammit!

BigB: And Nowell punches Angel right in the chest!

MB: Yowza, Angel just flew about ten feet into a thorn bush.

KA: ...

BigB: Kurt! You just fell into a thorn bush! Doen't that hurt?

KA: Ow.

AN: Yeah, come on... no-selling is copyrighted by those guys.

[Nowell points at Death and Festering Death, who are sitting on BigBOSS's roof and watching the match.]

Death: Yeah!



BigB: Well, Kurt is pushing himself out of the bush. He yanks a thorny branch from the bush. Hey! You better trim that bush.

MB: *Snicker*

BigB: Oh, come on, dear. Get your mind out of the gutter. He left his imprint all over that bush and now he just broke a perfectly innocent branch. And now he's twirling it over his head and going for Nowell. He lunges forward and the branch whips Nowell in the arm.

AN: ...Um. Ow?

BigB: Angel drops the ineffective, dead branch. He needs something harder. What...why is he looking up at the roof.

Death: You want some of us?

KA: No.

BigB: Kurt just dove, like, a bunch of feet up onto my roof. Hey! He's ripping at my gutters! Stop that!

MB: *Sigh* You wanted to have this match in our backyard, Stuart.

BigB: I guess I'll have to dock everyone's pay again. Damn this recession. Now Nowell runs and jumps toward Angel, but he's got my innocent gutter in his hands and he nails Nowell in the face with the gutter!

MB: Now Nowell is hung up in mid-air, upside down. He's no-selling gravity now?

AN: Okay, this is ridiculous. What do I look like, Joey Malone? Why the hell am I floating upside-dow... .........ARE THESE WIRES?!

AN: What the HELL am I doing with wires!?

BigB: You know...I'm starting to suspect that these two are wearing wires...

MB: Really? You don't say...

BigB: How the HELL did you afford these wires?

AN: My guess is that stupid over here fashioned them out of rubber bands and duct tape.

KA: Hey, it was a good idea. the time.

BigB: Well. Nowell sits himself up and...this is so weird. It's like he's a god or cartoon character or something, just floating in mid-air.

MB: It's just a wire, dear.

KA: Wanna see something impressive? Watch this!

BigB: Angel walks up to the top of my roof. He jumps!


MB: What was that noise?

BigB: And Kurt lands awkwardly half-way down my roof, and now he's tumbling head over heels, smashing every part of his body in what could best be described as a comedic tragedy on my roof and now he falls with a mighty thud to the ground.

AN: That looked like it hurt.

KA: Gee, you must have graduated at the top of your class.

AN: Sardonic remarks are my trademark, jackass.

KA: Oh, well excuse me, Mr...Sardonic.

BigB: Angel slowly pushing himself up as Nowell continues to sit in the air.

KA: Hmm. I wonder if I bang you with a stick if I can get candy out of you.

BigB: Uh oh. Angel is going toward a downed tree limb. He's heading back for Nowell.

MB: What's Angel doing?

BigB: It looks like he's trying to talk to Death.

AN: Hey, big guy... mind if I borrow your scythe?

Death: Catch!

[Death tosses his scythe over to Nowell.]

[Nowell catches the scythe, and then waves at Death.]

AN: Thanks!


BigB: It looks like Nowell had cut the wires that held his legs, and now he's swinging by his arms... throwing the scythe back over to Death as he does so!

AN: Whee!

BigB: And it looks like Nowell's building up some momentum!

AN: I hope I don't get yelled at if I yell this, but... BANZAI!

MB: Oh dear, Nowell landed right on top of Angel!

[Cut to an airport in Banzai Falls, Georgia.]

Kamikazie Ken: I need to get to BigBOSSes house. Like, now.

Pilot: Have you ever flown one of these before?

KK: No.

Pilot: OK. Well, be careful then.

KK: Better idea. You be the pilot.

Pilot: But I was about to go get drunk.

KK: There's a keg on the plane.

Pilot: There is? Alright. Let's go!

[Back to BigBOSSes yard.]

BigB: Nowell is back up but now so is Angel. Angel charges at Nowell and he hits a spear.

MB: Isn't Nowell supposed to go down instead of running backward like that into the woods?

BigB: I think so. I think this is the second-longest spear no-sell I've ever seen. Well, I've lost visual. Let's go, dear.

MB: Alright.

[Various sounds of snapping trees and leaves being run through are heard in the distance. After about one minute, Clive catches up to Angel and Nowell.]

Clive: Eh? There's a graveyard back here, eh?

AN: Yeah, apparently, this is where BigBOSS keeps all of the bodies of IRS agents that have come to his house in the last decade or two.

KA: It's really very keen.

Clive: Eh, we're still on.

KA: Oh, right. suck, Nowell.

BigB: What is Kurt doing. He's trying to lift up a headstone.

KA: Ow! My back! Darn it all to heck, I think I just threw my back out.

AN: Can I pick it up and beat you with it, then?

KA: Does anybody have a painkiller I could borrow?

Clive: I do.

[Clive hands him a CD case.]

KA: Judas Priest's "Painkiller" CD. Hmm. Not what I had in mind. But this could work. Mrs. Behave? Could I borrow that boombox for a second?

MB: Sure.

[Kurt pops the CD into the player and presses play. He then hit Nowell in the face with the boombox.]

AN: Ow!

BigB: Hey! That's my boombox, damn it!

MB: Angel dives for Nowell's ankle. He's trying to lock in the Angel Lock!

BigB: No-sell it, Nowell! I can't let him win!

[Nowell taps Angel on the head. Angel, like an idiot, looks up.]

AN: What the HELL are you trying to do? Give me a foot massage?

KA: I'm running out of patience, Nowell.

[Cut back to the roof.]

Death: These seats definitely weren't worth killing for.


Death: Works for me. Oh look. A bus full of nuns and small children is driving by.

=<> & =C]: SCORE!

[Back to the woods.]

BigB: Hey. You can't fight in there. I don't believe it. They're in my secret warehouse. Make sure that alien doesn't get out.

ALF: BigBOSS! Seen any cats around here? HA! HA! I kill me!

BigB: Oh, damn!

MB: Oh, good. Angel just grabbed ALF and hits Nowell over the head with him.

AN: Ow!

BigB: Wait, dammit, no! Don't do THAT, either! Aw, CRAPPING HELL!

MB: Nowell just hit Angel over the head with TONY DANZA!

BigB: Who’s the boss? Nowell is the boss now.

MB: When you mentioned the alien getting out, you were talking about Tony Danza, right?

BigB: Of course.

ALF: Yikes. This never happened on Melmac.

BigB: ALF charges at Nowell, but Nowell kicks him in his long nose and boots him to the other end of the warehouse into a big pile of bounced pay checks. ALF is out.

KA: ALF is gay?

BigB: Will you concentrate on the match, damnit!

AN: I dunno, Kurt and I were kinda having fun using loser sitcom stars as weapons.

KA: Let's see who else is stashed in here.

BigB: No! Don't go in there!

KA: What the...Bea Arthur.

Bea Arthur: Hello, honey!

BigB: What the? Kurt just passed out.

AN: Oh Jesus CHRIST.

Bea Arthur: Has anyone seen my Depends?

[Nowell frantically points in a direction that's NOT anywhere in the general vacinity of where he and Angel are.]

BigB: Phew. Bea is wandering away. Keep walking. Please!

MB: Well, Kurt is still down. Adam looks like he's about to vomit. This match has certainly gone from bad to craptacular in no time flat.

BigB: Here's Kurt. Welcome back. And, what's he looking at?

KA: I'm looking at that chalice filled with Mountain Dew over there. I bet I could drink it before Adam does.

AN: What? No way!

KA: Oh yeah. (Kurt stands up.) Whoever drinks that first, wins the match.

AN: Well, I've heard worse ideas. Most of which came from BigBOSS in the last hour or so, but hell...

BigB: And here we go. Nowell goes for the chalice. Kurt is standing still What in the? He's gonna drink the Mountain Dew, Kurt. Aren't you going to try and stop him?

AN: *glare* Let me guess... not a big Mountain Dew fan?

KA: Not particularly.

BigB: What the? I was supposed to screw you, Kurt! How dare you steal my thunder!

KA: It's been done. If Nowell wants to drink Mountain Dew, more power to him. We had a great fight. But I can't think of any other way to end this match, so I'm gonna let him drink it.

BigB: Blast you!

AN: Eh, not really much of a Mountain Dew man, either, though. *nonchalantly throws chalice over shoulder*

KA: What the frick? Lick that off the floor!

AN: What? God no. What do I look like, a jobber with a puppy?

BigB: That was a close one.

MB: It was indeed.

BigB: Remind me we're out of Mountain Dew when we go shopping.

KA: Well then...(He looks around and then picks up the number 7). I guess I'll have to put 7 up yours!

BigB: Uh oh. Kurt retaliating by trying to stick that number 7 where the sun don't shine.


MB: (Nervous) Stuart...

BigB: Nowell! Don't you carry around a rubber stake? Why don't you poke him in the eye with it or something.

AN: Hey! I left it in the other dimension! What, you think I always carry a frickin' rubber stake around?!

BigB: Angel charges at Nowell, but Nowell reverses and hip tosses Angel into a cardboard box filled with fire ants!

KA: Oh frick me...

BigB: Kurt's looking around crazily. No! Don't open that! NO! He just found my secret sewer cap. He tosses at Nowell like a frisbee and dives down into the sewer.


KA: (Relieved) AHHHHHHHHHHH! Suck on that, you fire ants!

Clive: I don't have do go down there, do I, eh?

BigB: Kurt, come out of there this instant.

KA: Hold on a minute. Be right up.

BigB: I said now.

[Various beeping and clicking noises are heard.]

AN: *taps foot impatiently* Come on, Kurt. I have a manhole cover that, for some god forsaken reason, has your name on it.

[Kurt crawls out of the sewer, now wearing a white trenchcoat. He looks around.]

KA: Alright. Nobody move. Or else.

[He opens his trenchcoat.]

BigB: Where are your pants?

KA: Whoops. I meant, look at this. I'm strapped with dynamite!

BigB: Go put your pants on.

AN: Yeah, really. Please. For the sake of the children.


AN: Way to ruin the moment.

[Kurt returns to the sewer, mumbling in frustration about having to put his pants on. After a couple minutes, he re-emerges, reopens his trenchcoast.]

KA: Now. You may be wondering why I'm strapped with dynamite. But it's really simple. BigBOSS. If you don't let Nowell cleanly beat me, I'll blow this entire warehouse up. There's only one thing that changes anything, and that's death.

Death: He's right, ya know.

KA: Talking here. Thanks. Everything else is just a wrestling program. I can't be saved by wrestling. I can't be saved. So what have I got to lose?

Death: I say, this show just got interesting. Say, BigBOSS, if he blows you all up, can I have BOB?


BigB: Nobody is going to die. And nobody is getting my company. Now, without incurring the wrath of Death or the rapeage of Festering Death, I'm sure we can figure something out here.

KA: What are you gonna do about it?

[Everyone pauses, as if they hear a man yelling as he just jumped off a plane and is hurtling down at a rapid pace, right for Kurt Angel. Everyone steps away.]

KA: Did I just fart?


MS: Kamikazie Ken just crashed through the ceiling and landed on Kurt.

BigB: Wow. I've never seen legs bend like that.

AN: That was terribly convienient.

BigB: Well, I'm satisfied if you are, Nowell. You want to pin him? Or shall we just leave him here to pout and brood about his injuries and I can ship you back to the fWEo?

AN: I don't care. I think I've been subjected to so much stupidity here that even the fWEo makes sense to me at this point.

MB: (Looking up) I'll go call the roofing guy.

[She leaves the warehouse.]

Death: Well...looks like I'm late for a few appointments over in Iraq. My job is never done.


[Death and Festering Death leave.]

BigB: I've got a rugby game to go watch. So let's get you out of here Nowell.

AN: Hooray.

Caption: A couple minutes later.

BigB: Well, Nowell....

[He tries to think of something nice to say, but then shrugs and types in some coordinates on his computer dealie.]

AN: Well, what?

BigB: I'm sure me returning you to the fWEo is payment enough for your services today.

[BigBOSS begins furiously typing and the machine begins to whirr into life. For the third time today, the electricity went off on his room and bright blue flashes were seen. That and sounds of whooshing and thunder. And then, things went back to normal.]

BigB: Well. I'm glad that's over wiAHHHH! Who are you and what are you doing in my home?

Dr. Azathoth: BigBOSS...

BigB: That's my name.

[BigBOSS looks to the camera and gives a thumbs up. He holds it as if in freeze frame, even as Dr. Azathoth approaches from behind, hands ready to choke BigBOSS during the credits...]

Brawlers On a Budget presents

A BigBOSS production.


Also featuring Kurt Angel

and Adam Nowell.


Kurt Angel as Kurt Angel
Adam Nowell as Adam Nowell
Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" as Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"
David Flair as The Antichrist
John Rocker as John Rocker
Death as Death
Spacecop as =C]
Spaceduck as =<>
Clive as The Camera Guy
Kamikazie Ken as Kamikazie Ken
Scott Baio as The Pilot
Tony Danza as The Alien
Bea Arthur as herself
Mrs. Behave as "Mrs. Behave"

Written by John Leary and Mike Renner

Classix Logo

It's all about destiny and Mountain Dew!

© 2004 BOB/2003 Action Wrestling. There, we credited you, don’t sue us!


© BOB Wrestling!

Brawlers On a Budget is an online fantasy parody wrestling sports entertainment federation (or e-fed) designed to be somewhat funny.

WARNING: This site contains adult content. Surfer discretion is advised.