Brawlers On A Budget
 

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[The sound of a beeping alarm clock is heard as the film fades in on the source of the sound...the clock. It reads 8:16.]

Fahrenheit 8:16

[As we return to the clock, we pan left to find Trey Vincent in bed next to Michelle. He rubs his face with his left hand—]

TV: Ow!

Caption: Trey Vincent, Brawlers On a Budget Vice President In Charge of Everything.

[Only to stop really quickly and begin feeling his nose. He stares at his gold wedding ring.]

TV: Damn, they told me marriage was gonna be tough, but hell!

[Beside Trey, a brunette begins to stir. She raises her head and looks at her husband, showing off a ridiculously gawdy ring. Her entire left cheek is covered in a bandage.]

Caption: Michelle Vincent, Trey's wife, ring announcer for BOB.

Michelle: You're telling me! I had an eyelash and almost put my eye out. Hey! OK, Trey, I know I told you that you could videotape us, but I didn't think you'd hire an entire crew!

[Michelle dives under the forest green sheet and black blanket.]

Michelle: I'm only wearing this T-shirt!

TV: Oh, relax. This is the film crew I told you about. We're filming the BOB documentary today. This isn't another attempt at a professionally produced sex tape, I swear.

Michelle: Why are you doing the documentary again? I think the tequila erased that conversation from my memory.

TV: Today, August 16, 2005, will go down in BOB history as the day when the greatest show in BOB history was booked and produced. This is the show that is going to finally put BOB on the map! It's Sunday Morning Chloroform 24: The Making Of!

[Cut to the parking garage and a later point in the day. Michelle is toting two large duffel bags as Trey fishes for his keys in his pocket. He finds them and hits a button to make his Jeep unlock.]

TV: Throw them in the back, baby.

[Michelle grunts in anger as Trey gets in the driver's side and starts the engine. "You Gotta Move" by Aerosmith is blaring. Trey turns down the music as Michelle shoves in the bags. The camera gets in the back seat as Michelle slams down the rear gate and heads around to her door.]

TV: This is special right here. We're on our way to Embarrass, Minnesota. Which, for any normal man, would be over a three hour drive. But I'm figuring I can get us up there in about two hours and fifty minutes.

[With everyone buckled up and ready to roll, they do. They head out to the street. If you live in Minneapolis, I'm sure you'd recognize it, but otherwise, you're out of luck.]

TV: Everybody from Brawlers On a Budget should be converging on the Oops Bowl by about noontime. That should give me just enough time to settle it, load up my laptop and bang out the rest of the format for tonight's event. I've probably got about eight pages of it done so far. And I usually end up somewhere around 30. But tonight's gonna be big for BOB. This is where we establish our own course. That's why I wanted all you viewers to witness this first hand. Everybody else is doing documentaries these days. That fat guy who blasted Bush. Washed up bands like Metallica. So why not the most entertaining man in sports entertainment, Trey Vincent.

Michelle: Reality TV is still pretty popular these days, too. Probably because the writers all suck so bad. There is probably one good movie a year out in theaters nowadays. And maybe two decent written television shows.

TV: But the beautiful thing about reality, like this, is it's totally unscripted. Nobody has to sit at a keyboard, typing out every word I'm saying right now at 11:57 a.m. California time in Microsoft Word. Nope. This is real.

Michelle: What's it like to be married? It's not much different than being single, except Trey has to approve of the other girls I do it with. Heh, just kidding. I'm not into the lesbianism at all, unless I'm drunk enough.

TV: Yeah. I'm trying not to do too much lesbian stuff with Michelle yet, since we've only been together for a few months. Then what's to look forward to, you know? But everybody from BOB has been totally cool with the marriage to our faces. You know how it is in any federation, everybody always talks shit behind your back.

[Cut to Rob Van Spam.]

RVS: Trey? Forget about Trey for a minute. Do you dudes need to see some pictures of some young cocks deep inside worn out pussies? Or gracious moms who can take up to 3 cocks at once?

[Cut to Nurse Heidi.]

NH: I like Michelle. She's like a friend of my sister who I'd see once in a while and smile at and maybe say hello to if I wasn't busy. You know? But Trey? He's just an asshole. And the steroids...ladies, trust me on this one. It's not as big as it used to be, if you know what I mean...

[Cut to Seth Harker.]

SH: I don't think I'd ever let Kay and Michelle do any lesbian stuff, especially if Trey was in the room. Because it'd likely mean he has a hidden camera somewhere, and I've had enough trouble with the Internet sites.

[Cut to Insano Mano.]

IM: Trey es los hombres muy afortunados. Deseo que muchos meses de la felicidad antes de que ella lo tome para todos él son valor. Espero que él firmara un acuerdo prenuptial.

Caption: (Babelfish translation): Trey is the very lucky men. Desire that many months of the happiness before it takes it for all he is value. I hope that it signed a prenuptial agreement.

[Back to the Jeep.]

Caption: On the phone with Mark Shill, former BOB Announcer

TV: Well at least you haven't lost your phone service yet, right?

MS: I don't find that amusing in the least, Mr. Vincent!

TV: Just be there, alright? I promised you money, and you'll get it when you show up.

MS: It goes against EVERYTHING Mark Shill has ever done BEFORE.

TV: I'm sure you can handle it. I'll be there in a couple of hours.

[Cut to Mark Shill.]

MS: When I was informed that Mr. Vincent was firing me several weeks ago, I went through a large range of emotions. Anger. Chagrin. Rage. Exasperation. Fury. Hatred. Irritability. Outrage. Resentment. Alienation. Contempt. Sobriety. Loathing. Revulsion. Well, you get the point. And then to be called back, it's rather a shock to the system. I had been with Brawlers On a Budget since 2002. To suddenly be unemployed, well, it felt like 2001 all over again! Will I confront Mr. Vincent about it? What am I going to say? He's got a check in his hands for me. That's a portion of a meal on my family's table!

[Cut to Trey Vincent.]

TV: How could I justify firing Mark Shill? The way I looked at it was that I had Scotty Whatbody, Styles and Nurse Heidi doing all the commentary on Sunday Morning Chloroform. Then I had that load making guaranteed money for doing nothing anymore. But the bottom line is it gives me a stiffy to fire people. I try to fire at least one person before I head home to Michelle every night. I tell ya, it's better than Viagra.

[Trey's phone rings.]

TV: Hello? Billy! What's up buddy? Yes, yes, I know that. Listen, I'm driving at the moment so I can't talk over too much with you yet. Just show up at Oops Dome and we'll go over everything then. Alright buddy? Later. (He closes his cell phone.) FUCKING ASSHOLE! Watch where you're going! I can't stand the drivers on this planet. How dare he drive at the speed limit!

[Cut to Igpay Atinolay Eathay.]

IAE: Oesday Eytray avehay angerway issuesway? Ehay uresay oesday. Ooklay atway isthay.

[Igpay lifts up his T-shirt to his belly button.]

IAE: Iway etbay ou'reyay inkingthay, atwhay amway Iway ookinglay atway, ightray? Ellway, erethay asway isthay oneway imetay erewhay Eytray asway admay atway emay ecausebay Iway idn'tday ithay enoughway unchespay andway ickskay uringday ymay atchmay. Andway ehay asway ikelay, "Isthay isway away unchpay!" Andway ehay unchedpay emay ightray erehay inway ethay ellybay. (He pauses and inhales deeply.) Ellway, Iway usedway otay avehay anway outieway!

[Cut to Little Good.]

LG: Anger issues? Just a few, I'd wager. That bloke's wasted more good alcohol on walls than any other booker I've seen.

[Cut to Mr. Paradox.]

MP: He made me job to Steve Studnuts once. And I've been stuck in a program with him ever since as punishment, and there's no end in sight. He's a real bastard. I may have to slice hits guts open to finish this insanity.

[Cut to Rubba Ray Drudley.]

RRD: Trey once got mad at me for verbally raping Michelle, so he gave me and D-Van a shot at the tag titles. But we have to wait until December! Now tell me, is that fucking fair?

[Back to Trey.]

TV: Everybody gets along great in BOB. It's a total team effort. It's like a family.

Michelle: A very dysfunctional family.

TV: Yeah, the sort of dysfunctional family that has a wife-beating dad, a crack smoking mom and a bunch of welfare kids running around. But instead of whining for food, they want title shots or checks that won't bounce.

TV: Brawlers On a Budget was started back in 1999 by the BigBOSS. I came on the scene in 2002, I think. I've held the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. And my biggest feat was becoming Vice President In Charge of Everything. I got the idea from some cartoon I saw on an On-Demand for "Behind That Music That Really Sucks," I think it was called. In it, Fred Durst sued the record company the same way I threatened to sue BigBOSS. And woila. I'm a vice president. And yeah, I also helped get us on Comedy Central. And I'm currently working on getting us a better timeslot. Not that 4 a.m. every Sunday is necessarily a bad time. It saves us from having to get a bleep sound effect for when Scotty Whatbody says fuck or shit or whatever.

Michelle: BOB didn't become the number one parody sports federation overnight. There've been plans from day one. Until Trey came along, those plans were usually forgotten by the next morning. But now...most of them are remembered.

TV: They sure are. It's a long way from where I started.

Michelle: Heehee, yeah, he once made up a federation based around G.I. Joe dolls!

TV: Michelle!

Michelle: Aww, c'mon, it's cute!

[Cut to Seth Harker.]

Seth: *Snort* (He falls off the chair laughing.)

Caption: Five minutes later.

Seth: G.I. Joes! (He breaks into hysterics again.)

[Back to Trey.]

TV: And they're FIGURES, not DOLLS. All I meant was my first fed, the Extreme *coughcough* Scene.

[Cut to DJ Cool, former president of EWS.]

DJC: WOOGA!

[Back to the Jeep.]

TV: When I first met BigBOSS for the first time, I knew this was a backstage area I could easily shove myself into and manipulate for my own devices like the greatest minds of this business before me. Guys like Kevin Nash and Hulk Hogan, who made friends with the head guy, earning themselves big cash, main events, tons of interview time and big pushes.

[Cut to BigBOSS.]

BigB: I can still remember the time we sat around drinking, watching hours of Trey Vincent matches. I felt really dirty. Like something crawled in me and died. Twice. But the least I can say is that he had a deep love of himself. But we both had an unparalleled love of money. So naturally, I was drawn to his ideas for making BOB money.

[Cut to Trey and Michelle.]

TV: Other bookers I worked for cared when I insulted their talent or wanted to interrupt their boring matches with a dose of Trey Vincent. BigBOSS didn't care. He let me do whatever I want. Hell, a few times there wouldn't have even been a show without me organizing, booking and running it.

[Cut to a blurred picture of an undercover IRS agent.]

Caption: Identity withheld to protect identity

IRS agent: I swear, BigBOSS has more underground bunkers than Saddam ever had in Iraq.

[Cut to BigBOSS.]

BigB: I've had some issues with the IRS in the past. But I'd like to think they're all taken care of now.

[Cut to IRS agent.]

IRS agent: They're not.

[Cut to BigBOSS.]

BigB: Would you believe, almost taken care of?

[Cut to IRS agent, who shakes his head 'no.' Cut back to BigBOSS.]

BigB: Would you believe, a check covering a quarter of what I owe is in the mail?

[Cut to IRS agent, who shakes his head 'no.' Cut back to BigBOSS.]

BigB: Would you believe, I'm sending a quarter?

[Cut to Trey.]

TV: Yeah, BigBOSS loves the money. So much that he rarely gives any of it to the IRS.

[Cut to Kamikazie Ken.]

KK: Or his employees.

[Cut to Mrs. Behave.]

MB: Or his wife!

[Back to Trey and Michelle.]

TV: I just got off the phone with another guy I had to fire a few weeks back. Seems Generic Ref is out sick tonight, so I had to call in a back up referee. Mike Monroe.

[Cut to BigBOSS.]

BigB: I was really pissed when Trey fired Mike. Mainly because I had just written a script that heavily featured Mike.

[Cut to Trey.]

TV: It was the hardest decision we ever had to make. We loved Mike like a brother, but we just couldn't afford him anymore. Why pay him what was in his contract when I could be paying two sports entertainers? The BOB airplane has to fly on. And sometimes, you gotta dump some cargo so you don't sink.

[Cut to Mike Monroe.]

MM: I helped build BOB's image from the start. While other people have come and gone, I stayed true to BOB. All I asked was for a regular paycheck and lots of time off. I think we all know who was wrong. So why come back? For the money, of course. I don't have to like Trey to take a paycheck from him. Do you like the guy or girl who signs your paycheck? Scotty Whatbody is an overrated asshole and Styles is inferior to me. It's blatantly obvious to me, my family and my friends. It's not bitterness or jealousy, no siree.

[Cut to Scotty Whatbody.]

SW: Fuck Mike Monroe.

[Cut to Styles.]

Styles: Mike is entitled to his opinion, no matter how wrong he is.

[Cut to Nurse Heidi.]

NH: If I had to choose any of them, I'd pick Styles, because he's got the lowest creep factor. Even with his fruit fetish.

[Cut to Little Good.]

LG: Monroe? He's a wanker.

[Cut to GBH.]

Caption: GBH, former BOB Announcer.

GBH: Hur hur hur. Huuh? Whut?

[Back to Trey and Michelle.]

TV: BigBOSS and I are like oil and water. Peanut butter and jelly. Fire and smoke. Condoms and pussies. Get it?

Michelle: All except for the oil and water part. Those don't go together at all.

TV: Unless the Exxon tanker springs a leak, then they go together for years. Get it? Never mind. So we came up with a goal. To make shitloads of money. Being on Comedy Central helped me and BigBOSS achieve that goal. Our salaries increased. The rest of the roster didn't see much change, but they can't draw flies.

[Cut to Britney Smears.]

BS: Ya know, like, I hate it, like, when people say I can't draw flies. Because I totally kicked butt in art class in high school. Ya know? Here, watch this. Give me a piece of paper and a pen. Then you can take this to Trey, and like TOTALLY show him!

[Cut to Seth Harker.]

Seth: (Cracking up again) G.I. Joe's!

[Back to Trey.]

TV: We wouldn't be having all these budget troubles right now if not for Dave Chappelle. There was a rumor going around that the third season of his show is not gonna happen now, so I don't know if that means we'll be getting our old budget back or not. And if we do, would I pass on the money to the rest of the roster? Sure. My salary is plenty big enough now.

Michelle: Yeah, but now you're married.

TV: True. Alright, I might take about five percent of whatever Comedy Central brings back to us. But the rest I'll invest into BOB. I might bring back the ring bell. Or maybe I could use it to entice beautiful young women to some sort of contest that would guarantee them money, even though they may or may not have more talent than our current roster.

Michelle: We actually have a meeting set up for early September with the executives there about our salary and timeslot. It's just tough to get a two-hour time slot on the network in prime time because they need to air all their Reno 911, South Park and even, yes, the huge library of Chappelle's Show.

TV: Yeah, both fuckin' seasons. 26 motherfucking episodes. I swear, you see half the episodes in these blocks. Who hasn't seen these all fifteen times already?

Michelle: Just for the record, we like all those shows. But c'mon. Why have three nights of South Park marathon blocks? What about—

[Cut to Pigeon.]

Pigeon: ME! What about PIGEON!

[Back to the Jeep.]

TV: But after they see this show, the executives will know that BOB is ready to explode all over the place. Enough jerking off, it's time for BOB to come all over the planet!

Michelle: A beautiful thought, with your usual very sleazy delivery.

TV: BOB will be known as the federation Trey Vincent built and brought to prominence. Vince McMahon will be shitting his undies when he finally has some competition. Yeah, that's right, I want to go Monday night at 9 p.m. live and match wits with the only sports entertainment company that is a bigger joke than us! Uh...wait, did I just say that? Can we delete that bit?

[Cut to the booking meeting. Trey Vincent is writing the names of everyone scheduled to be at SMC 24 on a white board in marker. The rest of the booking team is seated in a semi-circle.]

Caption: 1:30 p.m.

TV: The big ugly orange cage is still in the back of the Budget truck, right?

The Flunky: Yep.

[Cut to BigBOSS.]

BigB: Ah, the Budget truck. The Budget moving company, or whatever they are, was selling a few old trucks. From what The Flunky tells me, the truck drives like a dream and only has about 240,000 miles on it!

[Cut to The Flunky.]

TF: I didn't say it drives like a dream, I said it's a nightmare!

[Cut to BigBOSS.]

BigB: Well, a nightmare is a TYPE of dream.

[Cut to the Flunky.]

TF: It only gets up to 34 miles an hour on hills. And it tops out at about 55 miles an hour. I have to drive the ring, the cage, the lights, the speakers, the computer, the Flimsy Guardrail, the EZ-Break tables, the Extend-o-Desk. I'm even carting around that stupid triple cage that WCW sold in their going out of business sale. These guys never know what sort of stupid gimmick match they'll need!

[Back to the booking meeting.]

TV: Alright. So we have our main event thing settled. Now we just need to sort out the rest of the show. Ideas, people.

BigBOSS: So you came here with only the main event planned out?

TV: What can I say? I felt like giving my ego a workout.

[Cut to Detached Narrator.]

DN: Trey and BigBOSS are known to be the boys with the biggest egos in the room. Their egos and cheapness are legendary.

[Back to the meeting.]

TV: So, we've got Kidman tonight. Can somebody call 911?

[John Skeet pulls out a cell phone and takes Trey too literally.]

John Skeet: Trey, they want to know what our emergency is!

TV: Not 911! 911! The sports entertainer. Tall guy. Mullet. Beer belly. Chokeslams people.

JS: Oh! Umm...sorry ma'am, wrong number.

TV: Brilliant. *Rolls eyes*

Styles: I'll call him.

BigB: I say Kidman should face the biggest person on the roster, the Wig Show. And we should job him out. To show him that the WWE is inferior to BOB. And to continue to keep the cruiserweights down.

TV: Hmm...how do I say this. That idea is a little too...uh...old school and predictable for my taste.

BigB: I thought you hated cruiserweights?

TV: Why don't we just round up all the cruiserweights and give them little pieces of land where they can build casinos and live in their own filth? You are such a weightist! It's Billy Kidman vs. Seth Harker or else I'm taking my balls and going home!

[Trey walks away from the meeting and walks out the door, slamming it behind him. Trey then opens the door and slams it shut a second time. He then opens the door a third time and slams it shut again.]

[Cut to LilBOSS.]

LilBOSS: I'm sure he'll be back. He usually does this about four times a meeting. I think he does it so he can go out to his car and sneak in some drinks.

[Cut outside to Trey's car. He sits in the front seat drinking from a flask. Back to the meeting.]

BigB: Well, I've been getting a few calls from outside talent who want to work for BOB. Maybe we could use Kidman to kick that off against Harker. Maybe Seth can do an open challenge and we can use that to bring in some new blood.

JS: Brilliant!

Styles: Hey, 911 wants to know if we're still doing that big, what was it, a 11 person match?

BigB: Is that him?

Styles: Why else would I say "911 wants to know if we're still doing that big, what was it, a 11 person match?"?

BigB: No need to be testy. What do we think, boys. A battle royal? Winner gets a shot at Paradox for the hardcore belt?

LilB: How about a cage match?

Everyone: NO!

LilB: Aww...

SW: We've already got a cage match in the main event, Webster.

LilB: Hey! I'm not black!

Caption: It's been a few minutes since Trey Vincent disappeared.

[Cut to Scotty Whatbody.]

SW: It's never in doubt IF Trey Vincent is going to return. It's when. He's such a drama queen.

[Cut to Trey Vincent.]

TV: We are parody sports entertainment's most notorious federation. You need a prima donna as your front man, don't you? That, and someone who drinks excessively. I've gotta keep pushing the envelope. And if they don't like it, they can throw me out of the federation! But they can't! Because I'm the Vice President In Charge Of Everything, bitches!

[Cut to Styles.]

Styles: I often wonder if Trey was a beer bottle in a past life. Is that weird to think?

[Cut to Trey Vincent.]

TV: If I could, I'd cut myself open, ring out my liver like a sponge, and drink the booze in there, baby!

[Back to the booking meeting. Trey Vincent returns.]

BigB: Alright. We're agreed that Kidman and Harker can have a match. And we decided while you were out that it'll be sort of a running gimmick where Seth challenges unemployed sports entertainers to matches.

TV: While I was out? I thought we agreed last time that we wouldn't make decisions while the VPICOA was out of the room?

BigB: That was never really resolved.

TV: Why won't you respect the fucking deal, motherfucker?

BigB: Who are you?

TV: I'm Trey Vincent!

[Cut to Detached Narrator.]

DN: What do I think of the documentary? I think you should delete it. Then burn the computer you wrote it on. Then blow up the building you wrote it in. And then piss on the burning rubble. That's what I think of your documentary.

[Back to the booking meeting.]

Styles: Trey, you need to stop drinking. Why are you always drinking? Do you hate us? Do you hate yourself?

TV: Yes I hate you! You and that bitch Slayer you trained. If it's the last thing I do, I promise I'll screw her out of that title for not screwing me!

Styles: It's nice to know you don't hold a grudge!

[Cut to John Skeet.]

JS: Yeah, the meetings get kind of heated for no real reason. Other than Trey is a dick.

[Cut to Steve Leary.]

SL: Yep.

[Back to the meeting, where Trey is slamming the door shut. He opens it. Slams it shut again. Opens it. Slams it shut again. Opens it. Slams it shut again.]

[Cut to BigBOSS.]

BigB: His abuse of the dramatic door slam is getting out of control, honestly. I'd dare say it's surpassed his drinking.

[Back to the meeting, where Trey is STILL slamming the door shut. He opens it. Slams it shut again. Opens it. Slams it shut again. Opens it. Slams it shut again. Cut to LilBOSS.]

LilB: I have the feeling that something really bad is going to happen tonight. Something that will shake the very foundation of BOB for years to come.

[Cut to Sarah "The Jobber Slayer".]

StJS: Do I feel like there is a massive conspiracy underway to steal the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS from me? I do NOW. I know Trey has been acting strangely for the last, well, ever since I've known him. But he married my sister. We're family. Do you know how devastated my little sister Michelle would be if I was disgraced and lost this belt? It would darn near kill her.

[Cut to Michelle.]

Michelle: Sarah's the best. But, I mean, it wouldn't be the end of the world if she lost the belt or anything. I still have my man and my way cool announce job and all the free lingerie I want! Yay!

[Cut to Sarah.]

StJS: No matter what, I know I have my friends, the Shaggy Gang. Granted, everyone's gone off their separate ways, but I'm not sweating Sir Zeno, Death or anybody in this federation.

[Cut to Sir Zeno.]

SZ: Oh, there's a conspiracy. To job me. This is nothing new for this place. White guys keeping a minority down. If you ask me, the booking team is racist against those of Dimension-Z descent. But tonight, this is what it's all about. A cage match. No more chances at getting screwed over by a cast of thousands. Just me and Sarah. May the better MAN win.

[Cut to douja, who can't be seen in a cloud of smoke.]

douja: huh?

[Cut to Kay Fabe.]

Kay Fabe: Conspiracies? Uh, boy. So I guess there wasn't enough drugs or groupie orgy sex to spice the film up, huh?

[Cut to Little Good.]

LG: I love to shag groupies. In orgies. (He points at the camera, smiling.) Anonymously!

[Back to the booking meeting.]

BigB: C'mon, Trey. Let go of the door and come back in here and let's work this out. There is only about three hours until showtime.

TV: SMC 24 is my "Thriller" man! It's my "Dark Side Of The Moon." It's my "...Baby One More Time"!

[Cut to Trey Vincent.]

TV: I've only been married once, as far as I know. And I've got to say, I've mellowed out a bit since I've been married. I'm quite proud of myself.

[Back to the meeting.]

BigB: You don't have any of it written! The difference between those CDs and your show, is that those things eventually were finished!

TV: This show will be fucking finished at 10 or 10:30 fucking p.fuckingm. Haven't you ever heard of improvi-fucking-sation? And whose fucking idea was it to do a documentary?!

BigB: It was YOURS!

[There is a faint knocking noise. Trey goes to his chair and looks at his laptop.]

TV: You guys keep talking over ideas for shit. I've got to deal with this knucklehead in California.

Caption: The following is a reenacted IM transcript.]

TVownzaJ33P: Hey!
da_wEb_gUy: Hey. What's up?
TVownzaJ33P: not the results from SMC.
da_wEb_gUy: oh.
TVownzaJ33P: where are they, mofo?!
da_wEb_gUy: ive been busy with me real job.
TVownzaJ33P: ITS FUCKING TUESDAY MOTHERFUCKER! POST THE SUMMARY OF THE SHOW OR ELSE YOUR TELECOMMUTING PRIVILIGES ARE OVER!
da_wEb_gUy: quit flaming me or your life is over
TVownzaJ33P: what are you talking about jackfuck?

*You have been invited to join KAYFABEISNEARBREAKING's conference.*
da_wEb_gUy: All I was going to say is that I can make a few strokes on the keyboard and Trey—
KAYFABEISNEARBREAKING: Stop typing.
da_wEb_gUy: How did you interrupt my typing? That's just creepy.
KAYFABEISNEARBREAKING: I know where you were going, but it's bad for business. So just STOP IT! :^) THX!!!
da_wEb_gUy: Alright. I've got to go to the pool. Trey, you calm the fuck down and we'll talk later. I've got a lot of updates to do, I know. But I just fucking moved and I don't need to listen to your bullshit. I know the schedule hasn't been updated in weeks and that I haven't posted SMC. And I'm sure there's something else I haven't done. But like I said, I have to go to the pool. I have my priorities. I haven't seen the sun in two fucking days.
TVownzaJ33P: what do I pay your for!
*da_wEb_gUy has signed off.*
TVownzaJ33P: r u n2 cyber?
*KAYFABEISNEARBREAKING has signed off.*

[We return to the meeting.]

TV: FUCK!

[Cut to Kamikazie Ken.]

KK: People love to say that BOB is the sinking ship of wrestling federations.

[Thirty seconds of silence pass. Ken shrugs. Cut to a cockroach.]

Cockroach: ...

[Back to the meeting. There's a knock on the door. Michelle walks in to the fight zone.]

Michelle: Uh, honey? There's something you need to know.

TV: You're not pregnant are you? *He shakes his fist in the air comically* Because if you are...

Michelle: No. It's nothing like that. Uh.

[A lawyer bursts into the room.]

Lawyer: You're getting sued.

[Everyone is silent.]

Steve Leary: Dusty?

Caption: Dustbuster Boy, Esq., former BOB wrestler.

TV: You're a lawyer now?

DBE: I am. I did my coursework by mail and just passed the bar on the way here this afternoon. I think it was called Big Guy's Bar.

[Cut to John Skeet.]

JS: I was shocked when Dusty showed up. He traded in his dustbuster for a briefcase. I never would've seen that one coming.

[Cut to Steve Leary.]

SL: Me and Skeeter lost contact with him. Mainly because I forgot to get his number before he took off last year. I'm really just confused because it's about to be the big fantasy football time of year. I thought he left to pursue that dream.

[Cut to Dustbuster Boy, Esq.]

DBE: Yeah. I was a little disappointed in the profit margins of fantasy football. It was actually less than BOB, if you can believe that. So, I saw this ad on TV and bam. I realized I had a new calling. I started at a firm called Oakley & Associates and that's how I came across this case. This poor lady came in all distraught. Her son was a huge BOB fan. That in itself is bizarre. But just a short while ago, he started acting even more bizarre.

[Cut to Anne T. Christ.]

ATC: My poor baby. Me and Jesus tried so hard. But it's been hard for all of us since we first met. I mean, he pronounces his name like the Spanish people, but people see that our boy is the son of Jesus and Anne T. Christ, and well, there were jokes. They called him an abomination. They threw stones at him. They made him do long division!

[Cut to Jesus Hernando Christ.]

JHC: It started innocently enough. We though it was just him getting into the Christmas spirit. But then February came and March and April.

[Cut to Anne.]

ATC: There were posters of Santa all over the room. The elves. The reindeer. He had nothing but Christmas lights strung up all over his room.

[Cut to Jesus.]

JHC: And then May came. And June was next.

[Cut to Anne.]

ATC: And all he listened to were Christmas carols. He'd blast those things so loud the neighbors would complain. We'd ask him if anything was wrong, but he always said he was fine. Then he'd go lock himself in his room and listen to Dean Martin croon "Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow."

[Cut to Jesus.]

JHC: And then, on June 25th, that's when we found him.

[Cut to Anne.]

ATC: We heard a terrible crash.

[Cut to Jesus.]

JHC: And some sort of distorted ringing.

[Cut to Anne.]

ATC: We rushed upstairs and found him...buried in silver bells! (She buries her face in her hands and cries.)

[Cut to Jesus.]

JHC: There was blood everywhere. We rushed him to the hospital, but he severed a neck artery or something. There was nothing we could have done.

[Cut to Anne.]

ATC: There was videotape of BOB in his VCR. So, later on I played it. And then I found all these other BOB tapes. But I focused on the first one. And that's when I found the backwards messages.

[Back to the meeting.]

TV: Backwards messages?

[Dustbuster Boy wheels in a TV and VCR on a cart.]

DBE: My client says she found the following inserted backwards into your promos. Here's SMC 14.

[Cut to a clip of SMC 14.]

TV: No, not THEM! I'm talking about the ess, dubya, ohh. Well let me tell you something, something World order. The joke's on you bitches. Not tonight. Because, hello, you're so banned from my show now. But at the PPV, I'm gonna un-ban you so we can do this thing. iAd vs. sWo. Stipulations? You want stipulations? Well since I'm the VPICOA, I can make all the stipulations I want. And since I think Seth is still pretending to be injured, we're going to have our match, not in this reality. But in virtual reality. That's right. We're going to Enter The Vortex!

DBE: Now, watch what happens when you play it backwards.

[Cut to a reworked clip of SMC 14.]

TV: Santa, I praise thee. Since only you are real. In morbid rites I praise you. By my every move. By everything I ever do. I praise you. Hail Santa. Fallen angel of the doom. I praise you. Hail Santa. Now the god of Christians is dead. Armageddon won by Santa. Santa and his troops. Hail Santa - gloomy fallen angel.

Styles: Oh my GOD! Santanic backwards messages?

DN: Are you a member of the Church of Santa?

TV: No! I am not a Santanist! I swear! I may be a drunk and a sexist and a tad egotistical, but I draw the line at Santanism! Plus, I don't even know how to put backwards messages into audio. And if I did, I'd urge beautiful women to shed their clothes and pour alcohol down my throat.

DBE: Well, how do you explain this?

[Cut to a clip of SMC 10.]

MS: Oh my lord! It's Saint Nick! Why is Jolly Old Saint Nick in BOB?

SW: Why am *I* in BOB is the question I most ask myself.

NH: What a coincidence. I ask myself why you're in BOB too.

MS: Santa already looking like he's slimmed down a bit since Christmas.

SW: He looks better than Flair anyway.

NH: How is that possible anyway that Santa is in better shape than somebody about four hundred years younger than him?

SW: Maybe Santa Claus is a vampire.

NH: No, he couldn't be a vampire, because he'd need an invite to get into everyone's houses.

SW: Yes, but he only enters the homes of children. Santa hasn't visited my home since I was about nine.

MS: Really? Not even with those 15-YEAR-OLDS you've been sleeping with?

SW: Hey! That girl was 17, and we never took our underwear off. That's just a vicious lie from Heidi since Billy ate her unborn baby.

NH: What unborn baby?

Santa Claus: Um, excuse me?

SW: Anyway. The kids invite him in because they are greedy and want gifts. They want him to come in and give them presents. Thus, he's invited. And he COULD be a vampire. Which would explain why he doesn't look nearly as bad as Flair.

NH: But why then would people leave out cookies and milk? Don't vampire drink blood?

SW: They do drink blood, sure. But that's like saying all Italians eat spaghetti and meatballs and all Spanish people eat at Taco Bell.

MS: That would actually be Mexican people, lame Scotty.

SW: Spanish, Mexican, whatever. They're all cheap labor to us.

Santa Claus: Pardon me, but--

SW: I mean, look at Heidi. I see the blonde hair, those breasts, that ass, those legs, those lips

NH: Are you coming to a point?

SW: What was I saying?

NH: Stereotypes.

SW: Yeah, those are funny!

NH: Even for vampires like Santa Claus?

Santa Claus: GODDAMNIT I'M NOT A VAMPIRE!

[The camera pans around a shocked crowd. Then the announcers, all with their mouths wide open in shock.]

Santa Claus: Now...Sir Hungalot was kind enough to invite me on here because he thought it was about time for Santa Claus to spread some season's beatings to a person I've been holding a grudge against for many, many years. Now, I know, I know. Santa has a grudge? Isn't he just a jolly old soul? Well, not when it comes to stealing my catchphrase. HO HO HO! Who is this person I want a piece of. His name is...the Jolly Green Giant. Take a look at the TinyTron.

[Cut to the 13-inch black and white TinyTron. On it is an advertisement for green beans. JGG can be heard saying "Ho ho ho" followed by the trademark whimpy "Green giant" spot finisher.]

Santa Claus: I taped that in 1989. For 15 years I have watched that tape over and over, just waiting for an opportunity to fall into my lap, not unlike a small child.

SW: BWAHAHAHAHAHA.

NH: I don't think he meant like that, Scotty.

SW: Too late, the entendre has been doubled.

Santa Claus: And now, I'm going to use BOB's powerful cable presence to call out that big bastard! So Jolly Green Giant, get your gigantic, 100 foot tall ass down that beanstalk and face me, legend to legend. Myth to myth. Come on!

MS: This is going to be the HUGEST MATCH IN BOB HISTORY.

NH: Speaking of huge, I wonder how big Jolly Green Giant's 'little giant' is?

SW: You think the Jolly Green Giant is actually watching BOB? Please. People in comas wake up just to change the channel when we hit the air.

[Cut to Coma, who is juggling hamsters.]

Coma: Poink!

[The hamsters fall to the floor, since Coma can't talk and juggle at the same time. We return to ringside.]

SW: Is there a rule that when somebody says the word 'coma', we have to cut away to wherever Coma is so he can say poink?

[Cut to Coma, who is now surfing in a bathtub.]

Coma: Narfle!

[Back to ringside.]

MS: We're still waiting for the Jolly Green Giant to show his face. He would no doubt be the LARGEST ATHLETE IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT HISTORY and THE WORLD if he agrees to take part in this ultimate grudge match!

[The Japanese National Anthem plays.]

MS: It's BVD! Oh my lord! What is he doing out here? The Japanese Hacksaw is out waving the Japanese flag.

BVD: HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! J-A-P-A-N! J-A-P-A-N!

NH: The crowd doesn't like that chant.

BVD: DOOOOOD! You need to relax. Why don't you hop on your sleigh and head to the North Pole before I shove this flag pole up your butt! HOOOOOOOOOO! In a move Scotty could call the South Pooooooooole! Up your asshooooooooole!

Santa Claus: Stop saying that! Are you trying to get on my naughty list?

BVD: DOOD! Whatever! Eat my underpants!

Santa Claus: That does it!

MS: Santa Claus just ran out of the ring. BVD is waiting on Santa. Oh my! He just hit Santa in his belly, which jiggles like a BOWL FULL OF JELLY!

NH: Santa Claus is brawling with BVD in the aisle. Who knew Santa could fight?

SW: Must have been those trips to Harlem.

MS: It's the JEWS! The JEWS are coming to attack Santa Claus! Mr. X. Albert DeSalvo and BILL! They're all here! Even the newest member of the JEWS, the Pussy.

SW: Wait, wait, wait. What was that last name?

MS: The Pussy?

SW: Heidi, what did he just say?

NH: *Sigh* The Pussy.

SW: Somebody up there loves me.

NH: Can we please get back on script? You know how BigBOSS doesn’t like you ad-libbing.

SW: Fine. *Ahem* Man, I know they don't celebrate the holiday, but do you see a bunch of Christians attacking a menorah anywhere here?

NH: You are SO stupid, Scotty. They JEWS, not Jews.

SW: Ohhh, right. The Jobber Elimination Wrestling something or other.

MS: SAMURAIS!

NH: And they are beating down Santa Claus.

MS: GOODNESS GRACIOUS! They just broke the flag pole over Santa's skull. Santa Claus has been destroyed by the JEWS!

SW: Man, I hope Jesus never accidentally stops by BOB. They'd crucify him! Again!

MS: Scotty! Fans, needless to say

SW: You're right. Don't say it.

MS: I have to say it!

SW: Why? If you say what is needless to say then you've just butchered the whole point of needless to say.

MS: Fine! I won't say it. Santa Claus is lying in a pool of his own BLOOD. You only get bloodshed like this in BOB!

TV: That doesn't prove anything.

DBE: Well, Trey, I'm sure of jury of your peers would like to believe you. But the evidence is starting to mount linking you and Santa Claus. Trey, our firm has a team going through hours of Sunday Morning Chloroforms, looking for more evidence that shows you inserting Santanic messages.

BigB: What do they want?

DBE: They want a million dollars. But I've got the offer of a lifetime for you. Uh...(Dustbuster Boy looks at the camera) Could the three of us meet in private?

[Cut to Detached Narrator.]

DN: There's something fishy about this.

[Detached Narrator takes a bite out of a sandwich.]

DN: Who put tuna fish in my mayonnaise sandwich?

Voice: I did sir.

DN: YOU'RE FIRED!

Voice: But I'm an intern! You can't fire me.

DN: Get out of here before I get back in my brackets and turn you into a snake and make you eat yourself while you're being thrown around the broken glass factory.

[Sound of running feet. Cut to Styles.]

Styles: I have no idea what Dustbuster Boy is up to. But I'm sure, whatever it is, like him, it sucks.

[Cut to Scotty Whatbody.]

SW: Trey has definitely been making some weird decisions of late. I mean, for a while there, I loved the new direction we were going. I was the biggest fan of his firing Mike Monroe policy. But now Mike is back? What's up with that? He's not going to boost the ratings. Maybe Monroe made a pact with Santa, too!

[Cut to Sarah "The Jobber Slayer."]

StJS: He's a misogynist. But a Santanist? I don't know if I believe that. And that's coming from a woman who hates his guts. He just doesn't seem the type to worship Santa.

[Cut to Dr. Thrilla.]

DT: *Metal clanging*

[Cut to the You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind hardcore title belt.]

YGBKIADTAYOOYFMTB: ...

[Cut to Seth Harker.]

Seth: When I first heard that Trey was a Santanist, I couldn't believe it. I said to myself, 'I can't believe Trey is a Santanist.' We were always afraid that something bad would happen to him. All the warning signs were there. But we just assumed he'd choke on his vomit in his sleep or die in some weird auto-erotic asphyxiation situation.

[Cut to Christina Gaguilera.]

CA: What the HELL is Santanism?

[Cut to the meeting, which is back to the same group of people before Michelle and Dustbuster Boy interrupted.]

DN: So, where do we go from here?

Styles: Will BOB ever be the same again?

TV: Of course it will. Just, trust us.

[Cut to BigBOSS.]

BigB: That was the first time Trey and I really have seen eye to eye. I think this is a breakthrough in our relationship.

[Cut to Trey Vincent.]

TV: Do I have ego problems? Sure. But BigBOSS is a wiser man than I've given him credit for. I'm sure we'll co-exist peacefully for a long time. We're as close as second cousins now. Whereas, before, we were as close as Bill and Hillary Clinton.

[Fade to black.]

Caption: An hour later, the meeting was over. Sunday Morning Chloroform 24 was ready to go. Before airtime, Trey Vincent sat out in his Jeep, drinking from a flask and contemplating the future.]

TV: Me and BigBOSS could probably go off on our own and have a federation. Maybe we could have a lame ass brand split or something. Each run our vision of what BOB is. But that would be dumb. We don't need to alienate our hardcore fan base or our sponsors or our employees. Sports entertainment is in my blood. Granted the blood sports entertainment count isn't as high as the blood alcohol count, but that's not the point. The point is, we've got bankruptcy and homelessness and AA meetings to look forward to after we're done with BOB.

TV: Six year into the game, BOB is stronger, tougher, louder and wiser. We've seen trials and tribulations, but our lives are more fulfilling than they ever were before. Don't call it a comeback! Call it a long drive up a long ass mountain.

[Cut to BigBOSS, who is standing by the board featuring tonight's card. It reads: 1. BOB Bites 2. Seth vs. Kidman 3. 11-Man Gauntlet 4. Kay vs. Ken 5. Pigeon vs. douja 6. Sarah vs. Zeno (CAGE!!)]

BigB: I'm content to live off our past success, but I'm hoping for a brighter future.

[The camera cuts to a shot of the full half of the arena, across from the other side, which is mostly empty (the side where the camera shoots from).]

BigBOSS: (Voice) I know our time has probably come and gone, but we know the fans love the shows we've put on. And one of these days, we'll sell out our shows and run out of merchandise. There's an old saying in Minnesota. I know it's in Montana, probably in Mexico. That says fool me once...shame on...shame on you...If fooled, you can't get fooled again."

[Fade out.]


© 2005 BOB Wrestling! The truth is way out there.

 

© BOB Wrestling!

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