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[Two seconds of static. A black screen. A caption fades up.]

Caption: THE END

TRAUMAVISION 2: ELECTRIC NURFALOO

Conceived, Written, Rejected, Re-written and Re-animated by Coma
Produced by: The Boston Pops Orchestra
Engineer: Tommy "The Bulldog" McGurk
Key Grip: Hank Wayons
Power Grip: Billy "Nintendo Wizard" Smith
Getta Grip: Aerosmith
Otter Trained by Renaldo of Fire Island
Comas' wigs provided by South Spork Alpaca Farms, Inc.

Directed by Random Fluctuations in the Space/Time Continuim


© BOB 2005. It's Bug-hunt, man!


[Fade to black. Two seconds of nothing.]

Caption: COMING UP NEXT ON SCI-FI...

Caption: CASPER VAN DIEM IN:

Caption: "BOA vs. KOMODO vs.TORNADO vs. THE MAD SCIENTIST vs. BINKINI BABES GONE WILD"

Caption: RATED "M" FOR MEDIOCRE

Caption: BUT FIRST...

[Two seconds of static. Stock footage of a rubber-suited monster smashing a toy train. Dramatic music.]

Voice-Over: This fall... THRILL to the most terrifying creation ever to burst onto the silver screen! SHOCK!

[Stock footage of Greek folk dancers.]

Voice-Over: HORROR!

[A still shot of Donald Rumsfield.]

Voice-Over: ROMANCE!

[Stock footage of a lifeguard giving mouth-to-mouth rescusitation lessons to a group of Eagle Scouts. Not WITH the Eagle Scouts, because that would be icky and illeagal in 48 States.]

Voice-Over: COMEDY!

[A brief shot of Coma being hit over the head repeatedly with a frying pan. He no-sells, because underplaying can be funny too.]

Voice-Over: MUSICAL NUMBERS!

[Cut to an Indian man with a REALLY 60's haircut, dancing in front of a band playing Bangra music.]

Man: *long unintelligble Hindi phrase*

Back-up Singers: Because it's HOT, HOT, HOT!

Voice-Over: EXPLOSIONS!

[Cut to the shot of the car exploding from "Dawn of the Dead".]

Voice-Over: CHASES! ESCAPES! SWORD-FIGHTING! TRUE LOVE!

[A still shot of a sheep.]

Voice-Over: THE SECRET OF THE UNIVERSE REVEALED.

[Cut to a Yoga Master, seating in the lotus position.]

Yoga Master: It's all about the Benjimans, baby.

Voice-Over: IT'S THE GREATEST MOVIE IN THE HISTORY OF CINEMA! RESERVE YOUR TICKET NOW FOR...

[Two seconds of static. A shaky hand-held shot of Scotty Whatbody and Nurse Heidi at the water cooler.]

SW: So, did you see me on "American Idol"? I was holding up the "Clay was Robbed" sign.

NH: Yeah, I cringed for you. It was less embarassing than your appearance on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?", at least.

[Two seconds of static. Ringside. Igpay Atinlay Eathay and Dsylexic Avenger are standing next to the Commentator. A huge crowd is in the stands behind them.]

TC: By GAWD, this is huge! I'm here with these two young studs, the newest tag-team in BOB, "Name Pending"! Dyslexic Avenger, Igpay Antinlay Eathay, you two look ornerier than a Southern-Fried cliche in an outhouse!

IAE: Esyay, Ommentorcay! Asay ouyay asay, it'say lobberknockersay imetay! Odelayay..ay. Hoooway!

DA: Truth it the ain't, brother my! Roll we all gonna rock 'n' night and day party every! We're to the bone bad!

Off-Screen Voice: Hold it!

[The BigBOSS walks on-screen, holding a script.]

BigB: Worst. Idea. Ever. Sorry guys, I don't even know WHAT I was thinking with this.

IAE: Heeshsay! I amecay erehay noay ymay ayday ffoay, ootay!

BigB: Can we clear this place up, please?

[The Flunky pulls a rope, and the painted 'Huge Crowd" backdrop rolls up like a curtain. Which it is. Dustbuster Boy walks into shot and begins cleaning up the "ringside area". Okay, the parking lot. Two seconds of static. Cut to Clint Eastwood.]

CE: NOBODY puts ketchup on a hotdog!

[Brief burst of static. Animated snack food dancing.]

Food: (Singing) Let's all go to the lob-by! Let's all...

[Brief burst of static. Coma in a talkshow set, strumming a six-string salmon.]

Coma: I think it needs a tuna.

[Cut to a large crowd.]

Crowd: BOOOOO!

[Back to Coma.]

Coma: Good evening.

[Trumpet fanfare.]

Caption: THE 1974 EDINBURGH FLOWER SHOW.

Coma: Hello and welcome to the 1974 Edinburgh Flower Show. My first guest tonight, Head Trauma Boy Coma. Welcome.

Coma: I'll show YOU who's in charge of the pantry, John! Run with it, it's primed to deflate!

Coma: Not really relevant, but it has a good beat and you can dance to it. I give it 9 to the fourth power of Pi.

Coma: What? I've never been less insulted! I won't stand for this!

Coma: For what?

Coma: The Bolivian National Anthem. Do you take me for a fool? Neep.

Coma: Poink.

Coma: Exactly.

Coma: You've been a wonderful audience. Try the veal. My next guest.

[Two seconds of static.]

Flashing Caption: DO NOT PUSH THIS BUTTON ======> 0

[Forget it, I'm not falling for that again.]

Flashing Caption: WUSS.

[Two seconds of static. Coma again, sitting an a beanbag. douja is next to him in an armchair, holding a coconut-shell-and-paper-umbrella drink and looking confused.]

Caption: PRO-AM FULL-CONTACT BRIDGE (IN PROGRESS)

Coma: Your mouth says "No", but your liver seems abivelent. How do you think the watermelon feels about that?

douja: bitch, what da fuck did you just say to me? you tryin' to say all a nigga like to eat is watermelon? i should choke yo' crack ass!

Coma: Cor blimey, guv'ner, there's a sharpie in the doorstop and no mistake! Describe how you're positioned at this juncture!

douja: oh, i got ya.. postitions... well, i am an ol' fashioned type of motha' fucka'.. so i always enjoy the classic doggystyle.. den', of course, you have da iranian whistle, my personal favorite... a description wouldn't give dat shit justice, but it is some freaky ass shit, bitch..

Coma: Oy, gevalt, my tuchas' are killing me! Turn it clockwise, there's a good lad!

douja: you know who i would like to fuck? meadow soprano!! yo, nigga, dat bitch is bad... me and my niggas watch da sopranos all da time.. da homies be like, "damn, tony is a bad motha' fucka'! he just cap motha' fucka's like it aint a thang!" i just sit and wait till all of my boys fall asleep.. den, i beat my dick like it owes me money thinkin' of meadows fine ass! i am tryin' to get me a slice of that cake... you feel me?

Coma: Poink?

douja: exactly, motha' fucka....

Coma: Well, quite. Thank you, the checks in the mall. Next week...

[Two seconds of static. Russian Cossacks dancing with lots of "Hey! Hey! Hey!" noises dubbed in at near-random intervals. Cut to grainy footage of the Sex Pistols playing a gig.]

Johhny Rotten: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

[Can we lost the over-dubbing, please?]

Johnny Rotten: Poink! Narf! Run, Roger, run!

[Coma, put the microphone down. Cut to ringside, in the hope that we actually have a match this week.]

Bruce: G'day! I'm Bruce, the Evil New Zealander, along with my broadcast mate, Hallucination Boy!

HB: Who said that? Gosh, a talking shrubbery! I wonder how they did that?

Bruce: And we're here in the Bruce Cambell Sports and Leisure Center, in downtown Raimi, Philidelphia, where we should be seeing a bonza match tonight.

[Beat.]

Bruce: Okay, what bloody munta wrote this script? "Bonza"? I'm not an Australian, and I don't say "bonza"! In fact, most Aussies don't say "bonza" any more. Except that bloody clown Steve Irwin. What a wanker!

HB: Precisely, large colorful jellyfish. Here, place this damp cloth on your gelatinous body to avoid drying out under the hot lights.

Bruce: Get off me, ya tosser!

[Two seconds of static. Cut to a faded piece of footage from vintage Britsh game-show "Ooh-Er, That's a Bit Rude!", hosted by an incredibly young Dennis, the former Interview Limey.]

Dennis: So, Vera, you're from Birmingham, you're been married to your hubby Nelson for thirty-one years and it's your first visit to London since 1934!

Vera: That's right, dear.

Dennis: Well, I bet it's a bit of a pleasant surprise to see Nelsons' Column for the first time in ages!

Audience: OOH-ER! THAT'S A BIT RUDE!

[Two seconds of static. Back to Bruce and Hallucination Boy.]

Bruce: Typical, the bloody Pom gets fired and he still gets better gags than I do. Well, like I was saying, we should be about to see a great match. We should, but this is BOB, so we probably won't. Let's go up to our Guest Ring Announcer, Insano Mano!

HB: Didn't he get killed? Or was that just me hallucinating again?

IM: ¡Señoras y caballeros, muchachos y muchachas! ¡La competencia siguiente programar para una caída, con un time-limit de treinta minutos! Introduciendo primero, a mi derecho, representando la dimensión Z... ¡CMARIONETA DE LA CARNE!

[Spooky (and loud) music from Italian rock band Goblin plays. Loudly. Dry ice fog fills the aisle, and strobe lights flicker around the entrance curtain. Whch is all rather pointless, as Meat Puppet is already in the ring. Still, it's a great way to waste the BigBOSS'es money, so I'm all for it.]

IM: Y su opositor, que lo opondrá... que está parado actualmente en la esquina opuesta del anillo a mi izquierdo... ¡CPOCO BUENO!

["My Generation" by The Who plays, equally loudly as the BOB 'Tron plays a montage of Little Goods most-blown blown spots. Fans of BILL may not like the one where Little Good accidently stepped on BILL's 'nads while attempting his first Springboard Legdrop, but I thought it was kinda funny. There's also more dry ice fog, and The Flunky sets off a string of firecrackers. All of which is equally as pointless, as Little Good has been in the ring since the intros started.]

IM: ¡Eso es lo que dije! ¿Está cualquiera el escuchar a mí? ¿Prueba, probando? ¿Puede usted todo oírme en la parte posteriora?

*ding*ding*ding*

Bruce: And there's the bell!

HB: Actually, that's the smoke alarm. I think The Flunky was a little generous with the smoke machine.

Bruce: Oh, right-o. Anyway, it looks like we're underway. I think, it's hard to tell with all the fog. Meat Puppety shambles across the ring with the slowest clothesline ever recorded.. Little Good ducks!

[Several seconds pass]

Bruice: He stands up, not realising Meat Puppet hasn't even reached him yet!.

BONK!

Bruce: Great clothesline from Meat Puppet! Little Good went down faster than a drunken Hamilton slapper on a Friday night!

Caption: NUMBER OF BOB FANS WHO UNDERSTOOD THAT LAST REFERENCE: 1

Bruce: Meat Puppet tstumbles on... ricochets slowly off the ropes.. and tramples Little Good on the way back! He treated him like Jonah Lomu dealing to an English winger!

Caption: NUMBER OF BOB FANS WHO UNDERSTOOD THAT LAST REFERENCE: 8

HB: There's no gravy in this haversack, Mr Jones! WHY must I deal with amatuers!

Caption: NUMBER OF PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO UNDERSTOOD THAT LAST REFERENCE: 0

[Two seconds of static]

Caption: INSERT TRAUMAVISON II DISC 2 AND PRESS ANY BUTTON.

[Two seconds of static]

Stuffy British Voice-Over: Previously, on "Coma, the Jobber Slayer".

Kurt Angel: Coma, we can't go on like this! Our relationship is just too confusing.

Coma: But there's coffee-flavoured polystyrene in my pillowcase! Doesn't that meaning ANYTHING to you, Mr Weeble?

Kurt Angel: (to camera) See what I mean?

[Cut to]

Huge, Horned, Slime-Dripping Demon: I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!

Coma: Well, if you don't eat all of it, you can't have any pudding! (Scottish accent) HOW CAN YOU HAVE ANY PUDDIING IF YOU DON'T EAT YOUR SOUL!

Huge, Horned, Slime-Dripping Demon: (to camera) This guy scares me.

[Cut to]

Michelle: You know, Sarah's probably going to kick your ass for stealing her bit, Coma.

Coma: But my seductive pose won prizes at Butlins holiday camp! I'm a natural blonde, Mr. Hefner!

Michelle: (to camera) Or maybe she won't. It's not nice to beat up the handicapped, after all.

[Cut to]

Little Good: I don't care if you're wearing a blonde wig, I'm not shagging you! Piss off!

[Cut to]

Styles: OH my God. *ahem* Oh, my GOD! *cough* Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi... OH MY GOD! There we go. Tell me when we're rolling, Clive!

[Cut to]

Coma: I think... I think I was in heaven.

Scooby Gang: *collective gasp*

Coma: Or possibly a Denny's. Does heaven serve frosty Oreo Sundaes?

[Beat]

Xamfir: (to camera) If they don't, I ain't going.

[Cut to]

Coma: It's an, un-expected, musical number!
Sing the plot, 'cause it's funny that way!

Scooby Gang: Hey!

[Cut to]

Little Good: Take OFF the bloody tutu, I know it's you, Coma!

[Fade to black]

Coma entered the living room. The Scoobies were draped over chairs, watching Poinkamainia II on the TV.

"Is anyone else getting this weird sense of deja vu?" Kay asked.

"Nope."

"Not really.

"Poink!"

Sarah entered the room, balancing a large bowl of buttered popcorn on top of a stack of greasy pizza boxes.

"Oh, hi Coma! How did the patrolling go?" she said.

Coma smiled confidently and replied...

[Two seconds of static.]

Caption: TO BE CONTINUED.

[Cut to stock footage of penguins sliding off an ice shelf into the frigid waters of the Antartic Ocean. And speaking of frigid.]

[Burst of static]

NH: Yeah, real funny, DN.

[Well, if you WON'T sleep with me, I have to assume the worst, babe. Two seconds of static. One-second shot of the ring.]

Bruce: Aw, great move by...!

[Two seconds of static.]

Caption: PLEASE HOLD WHILE COMA DECIDES WHAT TO DO NEXT.

Blinking Caption: PLEASE HOLD.

- - - - - - -

PLEASE HOLD.

- - - - - - -

PLEASE HOLD.

- - - - - - -

Caption: WE APOLOGISE FOR THE DELAY IN COMA'S BOOKING. YOUR VIEWERSHIP IS IMPORTANT TO US. PLEASE CONTINUE TO HOLD, AND ONE OF OUR SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT CUSTOMER SUPPORT STAFF WILL BE WITH YOU SHORTLY.

[Americas' "A Horse With No Name" begins to play at whisper-quiet volume in the background.]

- - - - - - -

PLEASE HOLD.

- - - - - - -

Caption: WELL, THIS IS SLIGHTLY AWKWARD, ISN'T IT.

- - - - - - -

Caption: LOOK, WHAT'S THAT INTERESTING THING OVER THERE?!

- - - - - - -

Caption: YOU DIDN'T FALL FOR THAT, DID YOU?

Caption: DRAT.

[Two seconds of static. A shot of Bruce and Igpay Atinlay Eathay at the announce desk. Occasional thumps and grunts can be heard from the ring.]

Bruce: OH! What a great *cough, cough* by... um... that guy! THAT'S HIS MOVE! Probably. Whip to the ropes... but the other guy reverses it!

IAE: Hoaway! Ugehay lyingfay lotheselingcay ybay Restlerway Umbernay Neoay!

Bruce: He's such a great cruiser-middle-heavyweight with tremendous power-or-speed, delete-that-which-doesn't-apply!

IAE: Ouyay aidsay tiay, Rucebay!

[Okay, what the uckfay is going on here? And where's Hallucination Boy gone?]

Bruce: Ah, sorry mate. Coma *ahem* ostlay the iscday he wrote the first artpay of the howsay on. So he can't remember who he ookedbay in the atchmay.

IAE: Ardonpay?

[BOB: Professional wrestling... in theory only. Never mind, I'm sure the BigBOSS will re-edit this once Coma finds the disc.]

[Burst of static. Cut to the BigBOSS.]

BigB: It'll cost HOW MUCH to re-edit?!

[Burst of static]

THUMP!

Bruce: FINISHING MOVE! FINISHING MOVE! The wrestler who has does that move just hit it! One! Two! Three! Great victory for (badly overdubbed in The Flunkys' voice) Litte Good.

[Two seconds of static. Cut to Coma at the newsdesk set. News program intro music.]

Caption: THE SEDGWICK MIME SOCIETY PRESENT "THE GIANT GLASS BOX HOUR"

Coma: Good evening, and welcome the The End of the Show. I'm Coma, and along with me, a piece of strawberry upside-down cake.

[The camera pans to the left. Dr Thrilla is seated at the desk, a cattle prod in one hand, a small slice of strawberry upside-down cake in front of him.]

Coma: So, what did you think of the show tonight? Please give specific examples and make sure to show your work.

[Coma waits expectantly. After a few seconds of silence, he looks at Dr. Thrilla and nods.]

Dr. Thrilla: *clanging teeth*

FW-ZAP!

*sound of a slice of strawberry upside-down cake exploding.*

SPLATTER!

Coma: Thank you, Janice. And now for the wrap-up, let's take you the the Huntly Boys High School Marching Yodellers.

[Burst of static. Grainy stock footage of a college marching band, overdubbed with a country-and-western yodelling break. Yee-haw. Burst of static.]

Coma: Next week on Traumavison, the First Annual Non-Stick Bakeware Battle Royal, Kevin the Pyromaniac vs. five gerbils armed with machetes, and an exclusive interview with a grilled cheese sandwich.

[Cut to a grilled cheese sandwich.]

Grilled Cheese Sandwich: No comment.

[Cut back to Coma.]

Coma: Press shut off the lights on the way out, drive carefully, and happy Ram Rogering Day! Now, get off my land!

[The lights go out.]

Coma: Poink!

[Two seconds of static.]

Caption: REALLY THE END.

Traumavision

TRAUMAVISION 2: REVENGE OF THE IDIOTIC DEAD!

Written, directed and generally messed around with by Coma.
Lighting: Long John Aluminium
Nurse Heidis Buttocks arranged by Dion of Fabulous Frou-Frou Do's
Silly Credits Written by Biff and Francisco Gonzales el Smith
Meat Puppets Makeup by Franklin and Sons Funeral Homes
Cats Walking on Keyboard by edsx65rhn9ipk,fd09; and Company


© 2005 BOB Wrestling. Traumavison is not recommended as a substitute for a healthy diet and regular exercise.

 

© BOB Wrestling!

Brawlers On a Budget is an online fantasy parody wrestling sports entertainment federation (or e-fed) designed to be somewhat funny.

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